Original subtitles

Ah.

Good evening, dear.

Oh, darn.

That's funny.

Whenever I kiss the secretaries at the office,

they always say, "Oh, thank you, Mr. Fitzgerald."

It's busy. The line's busy.

That's the fourth time I've tried Bridget since I've been home.

Well, keep trying, dear, I'm sure you'll get her.

Well, I know that, Walt. I've already gotten her three times.

You've already called her three times?

I thought you two were supposed to have lunch together today.

Well, yes, we did. But what's that got to do with my calling her now?

Why, didn't you get your conversation out of the way then?

I mean, you asked her questions, she answered questions.

You asked her more questions and she answered more questions.

Walt, how did you know that?

That's practically our conversation. Word for word.

Oh, it's still busy.

Why don't you just call the operator?

No, if I can't talk to Bridget, I don't wanna talk to anybody.

Oh, not the operator. I know who I'll call.

Now Amy's line is busy. All evening, Bridget's. Now Amy's.

You've got a nice, well-rounded schedule.

You work all day and you're on the phone all night.

What's wrong with a mother talking to her daughter-in-law?

Nothing. But while you're on the phone, there's a whole world going by out there.

At this very minute, someone could be making a decision

to affect the whole country.

Okay. I'll stay off the phone so Richard Milhous Nixon can call you.

Just stay off the phone so my sister Rhoda can call me.

She hasn't called you in two years.

Now you got the idea.

Sophie, where you going?

I just thought I'd go up to the kids' for a minute. See if everything's all right.

Sophie?

I won't even go in. I'll just call through the door.

Sophie.

All right.

But I better call them to let them know I'm not coming up.

I'm sure they'll be broken-hearted at the news.

Busy. Still busy.

I could call the operator and tell her it's an emergency.

But I might get the same operator I had before.

And I think she's wise to me.

Just a second.

Hello?

Yeah. Uh, hi, how are you? Just a second.

Babe, it's the, uh, FBI again.

FBI?

Oh, yeah. The Fitzgerald Bureau of Interrogation.

Ah.

That's the fifth call on the hotline tonight.

- No offense. - Oh, don't be silly. They're my parents.

- I've had them longer than you. - Hello, Mother.

Hello, Bridget. I just called to see how you are.

Um, I'm fine. Nothing has changed since your last call.

Oh, that's good.

You know, things just change so fast these days, you never know.

Well, what are you and Bernie gonna do tonight?

Well, we might go to a movie.

Oh, good. Be sure to let me know how it is.

Uh, if... if we go, I'll... I'll call you tomorrow.

Fine. You know what a stickler your father is for details.

He always asks so many questions.

I'll... I'll call you tomorrow, Mother, okay?

All right, dear. Bye.

Uh, goodbye, Mother.

I'm seriously beginning to hate Alexander Graham Bell.

Parents never let go, do they?

Let go?

They just replace the umbilical cord with a telephone wire.

Don't you ever try not answering the telephone?

Did you ever try lifting the Empire State Building?

It's a good point.

Anyway, what good would it do? Not answering it, I mean.

We also happen to live right over the S-I-N.

- Sin? - [Bernie] Mm-hmm.

I ought to be able to help you with that one.

Oh, not this time.

That stands for the Steinberg information Network.

One set of problems at a time.

- Michael, any suggestions for our folks? - Oh, honey, don't ask me that.

I'm still trying to explain why I can't discuss my confessionals with 'em.

Hey, maybe we could simply gather them all together and... and say that...

Uh-huh?

Well, you know, explain that, uh...

Mm-hmm?

Well, under the Constitution, everybody is entitled to...

- Anybody have any other ideas? - Well, I don't know.

We could hold a press conference every day.

- Like the White House? - Yeah. And just say nothing.

- Uh, like the White House? - Oh!

Come in.

Oh, it's only me. Hello, Mike.

- [Mike] Hello, Mrs. Steinberg. - Since you're going to the movies,

I thought you might wanna take something to nibble on.

Something to nibble on? Ma?

Look, uh, h-how... how did you know we were going to the movies?

Amy told me. I don't think she knew it was a secret.

Well, enjoy yourselves. Bye.

They know every move we make.

They check with each other. What one doesn't know the other one finds out.

I'll tell you, it's driving me bananas.

Well, now, there is a solution to this problem.

What?

You don't tell 'em anything.

A news blackout, you mean. No information at all, huh?

If you'll pardon the expression, not a blessed thing.

Now, let me get this straight.

Just hello and goodbye. That's what we're limited to, right?

Well, it's not like that, Daddy.

I... I mean, we can still talk to each other.

Oh, well, that's a consolation.

Did you hear that, Amy? We can still talk to each other.

About what, dear?

It's just, Bernie and I feel uncomfortable answering questions all the time.

And being called every five minutes.

Oh, now, Bridget, I only call you occasionally.

Mother, you call so often that AT&T went up five points.

It did? Oh, we own a lot of stock!

There, you see, Walt? You say all I do is spend money.

What I still want to know is why?

Oh, Walt, you know why.

The more money the telephone company makes,

the more the stock goes up.

The more the stock goes up, the more money we make.

Don't you see?

Would somebody please tell me what my son is saying?

It's very simple. It's just that Bridget and I would like a little more privacy.

- You live in a glass house? - Come on.

To put it in plain English, our son says we're butting in.

Ma...

Dad, look. It's just that we don't wanna have to answer so many questions.

"Where you going? What are you doing? What are you gonna have for dinner?"

Sam, Sophie, the boy's right.

They're married. They're entitled to live their own lives.

Okay, you don't want us to ask anything, we won't ask anything.

Right. No more questions.

Thank you. I knew you'd understand.

I'm not here?

You're here.

- Bernie? - [Bernie] What?

What's Bridget making for dinner?

[Bridget] Can you believe it? No more phone calls and no more questions.

[Bernie] Yeah. I'd love to believe it.

I hate to think that being in the cab is the only way we can have any privacy.

[Bridget] Did your folks seem to understand?

[Bernie] Yeah, they seemed to understand. But I don't think they did.

[Bridget] Well, now, maybe we're not giving them enough credit.

Now, there are a lot of things that grow in a marriage, including parents.

You. You're a visionary, an... an idealist.

Hey, and you know something, it's just possible you might be right.

I am, Bernie. And this time I think the folks really understood.

I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

- Then why are you having it, dear? - Not the olive!

I mean, the silent treatment that Bridget and Bernie are giving us.

Oh.

What are you two so upset about? So the kids want a little privacy.

They just don't want their families poking around.

Sophie never pokes. interferes, maybe.

Who's interfering? I'm poking. Suppose they're in some kind of trouble.

Something's wrong. I bet my St. Christopher's medal on it.

- Oh, he's out, dear. - Who's out?

St. Christopher. I was gonna get you a new medal,

but they haven't named his replacement yet.

What kind of problem could they be having?

If I knew, I wouldn't be poking.

I always say no news is good news.

Look, Mr. Walter Cronkite, did it ever occur to you that maybe Sophie is right?

Bite your tongue.

Well, now, look, Sam, what do you think it could be?

We thought maybe you might have some idea.

- Come on, sit down. - Oh, thank you.

You know, sickness... Who knows?

Maybe they got a marriage problem they don't want us to know about.

Sam, how come you always look at the bright side of things?

No, no, Moe. Sam's right.

Now, the only trick is, how do we find out?

Without, you know, spying on them?

Spying on them!

Oh, Walt, that's a wonderful idea.

I didn't mean it that way, Amy.

No, wait a minute, Walt. Wait a minute.

That might not be such a bad idea.

If we had someone who was close to them, someone who was in their confidence...

Somebody else. Not me.

- Moe, the kids are in trouble. - You really wouldn't be spying, Moe.

I mean, it'd be more like a... a goodwill ambassador.

- So? - Sophie, don't rush the ambassador.

All right. But it's only for those pussycats upstairs I would do this.

If those kids need help, Rick Savage will find it out.

Rick Savage?

Moe Plotnik is a lousy name for a spy.

Well, Sherlock Holmes, it's been a whole day already.

What have you decided?

How are you gonna find out what's bothering the kids?

With this secret weapon.

Sophie, I think the pressure's got to him already.

Hmm, shows how much you know about goodwill ambassadors.

It's a diversion.

Bridget's a schoolteacher, and there's something in this book

I don't understand.

And that's gonna tell us what trouble they're in?

Sophie, dollface.

The best way to find out about one thing is to talk about something else.

It's sneaky but effective.

- [Bridget] Hey, Bernie? - [Bernie] Hmm?

[Bridget] You think maybe we should say anything to them?

[Bernie] Say? What's to say?

Anyway, we agreed to tell 'em nothing.

It'll be a surprise.

[Bridget] Well, we may all be in for a lot of surprises.

I've never had one before.

[Bernie] Hey, you know something, it's funny, but, uh, I never have either.

I don't even know if I can take care of him.

How do you know it's gonna be a him?

Well, I'll... I'll tell you why. Because if it isn't, it goes back.

It's a big responsibility.

Moe, what's wrong?

Wrong? Everything is right.

You thought the kids were having troubles.

Such troubles we should have every day.

Stop acting like a madman and make sense.

Here, Sam. Have a cigar.

You're gonna be a grandfather.

Sweet sister, you're gonna be a grandmother.

- Me a grandmother. - What about me?

Oh, don't be silly, Walt. How could you be a grandmother?

Good news like this I thought we should bring in person.

Now, listen, do they know that we know?

Of course not. Would a secret agent tell the enemy he knows their secret?

Look, if they wanted us to know, they would've told us.

If they wanna surprise us, let 'em.

I'll pretend I don't know anything that's going on.

That shouldn't be too difficult, Amy.

Charles! Champagne! And lots of it!

Walt, we got some serious toasting to do.

- And plans to make. - What kind of plans, Walt?

Oh, just little things. You know, like what church for the christening

and if the archbishop will preside.

What church? What christening?

Well, the baby has to be named.

It'll be named.

Yeah, but not in a church. In a synagogue.

And if the archbishop wants to come, he can come as my guest.

- I naturally assumed it would be... - You assumed wrong.

The champagne, sir.

Who ordered champagne?

Walt, the toast.

The toast is burned, Amy.

Now, look, Sam, this is my first grandchild.

- This is my first grandchild. - Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

What's with the fighting all of a sudden?

After all, we've got nine months to work all this out.

For now at least, let's enjoy ourselves a little.

Yes. Here.

To Bridget and the baby.

L'chaim.

- L'chaim. - L'chaim.

You know, it's gonna be kind of nice having a grandson to take golfing.

That'll be some trick.

I've never heard of any Steinbergs belonging to your country club.

Well, after all, the baby will only be half Jewish, Sam.

Maybe he can play nine holes.

Can we come back tomorrow and get one?

Yeah, sure. Look at him.

Which one do you want?

Uh...

How about all of them?

Sweetheart, there's only one puppy to a family.

Why, Bridget, don't you look radiant today!

Why, thank you.

Hmm, you have that special glow, that certain something today.

Hey, hey. What's all this? This is a married lady, you know?

[Moe] Yeah.

Would you like maybe a cup of coffee? A little Danish?

A little pickle, maybe?

Moe, pickle with a Danish? You're very weird.

We'll see you later.

- Bye. - [Moe] Bye.

Do you suppose we can pick him up this week?

[Bernie] I don't know. Sure. Yeah, why not?

I mean, if there's no trouble with the shots or anything.

[Bridget] I'm so excited!

Oh, boy.

Good morning, Moe.

Morning, yes. Good, I'm not so sure of.

What, the sink backed up again?

No, it's the kids.

The children. Something's wrong. It's Bridget.

And the calendar.

The baby's coming too soon?

Sooner than you think. Like this week.

She's not even showing yet. She can't have the baby this week.

She can if they're adopting one.

Adopting one? Why would they be adopting a baby?

Well, maybe she can't have one of her own.

- What do you mean, she can't? - She can't what, dear?

They say that Bridget can't have her own baby.

Oh, that's ridiculous. Of course Bridget can have a baby.

She can have anything she wants. We can afford it.

Who says it's Bridget's fault?

You know, your son Bernie is not exactly a football linebacker,

if you know what I mean.

He hung up.

What does Bridget's baby have to do with Bernie playing football?

Bernie isn't playing football.

He isn't?

Oh, my goodness. I hope Bridget isn't.

Not in her condition.

Amy, Bridget doesn't have a condition.

She and Bernie are planning on adopting a child.

Adopting?

Well, why don't they have one of their own?

Because our son-in-law is apparently sterile.

He is?

Oh.

Well, I guess if you're going to adopt, that's as good a reason as any.

Now Bridget and Bernie told you this?

What's the difference who told me? I know. Now, what are you gonna do about it?

Dad, it's none of my business.

Well, of course it's your business. You're her brother. You're a priest.

I know. I remember.

Well, as a priest, don't you think that Bridget and Bernie

should adopt their baby from a Catholic agency?

Frankly, I think that's up to them, Dad.

What about your mother and me?

Well, if you two wanna adopt from a Catholic agency,

that's all right with me.

Huh?

I don't know. I kind of like the poodle.

Sweetheart, I thought you said we were gonna get a dog.

You know, something that barks.

That thing lisps.

Well, what do you like, Otis?

I'd like a ham and cheese, but all you've got in here is salami.

Babe, the subject is dogs. What kind do you like?

The only kind of dog I ever owned was an Arctic explorer.

Arctic explorer?

Yeah. Well, you know, he'd go from pole to pole.

Pole to pole.

Otis, no Polish jokes in the house.

Michael. Come on in. How are you?

- Hi, Mike. - [Bridget] Hi, Mike.

Otis. Hi, darling.

Sit down. You're just in time to help us make a decision.

Oh, well, I'm glad I haven't been shut out completely.

- Shut out? - Yeah.

When I suggested that we have a news blackout,

I didn't think you guys were gonna include me.

What?

Not letting me in on your plans to adopt a baby.

- Adopt? - A baby?

- Right. - Wrong.

Wrong?

Right. Where did you ever get an idea like that?

I got a call from the FBI.

Come on. You're putting me on.

I mean, I've heard it's tough to adopt a baby,

but I didn't know they ran a security check on you.

It's the, uh, Park Avenue branch, Otis.

Run by Walter Fitzgerald.

Oh, I get it.

Well, the thing is, where did they get it from?

I have a sneaking suspicion that they got it from SIN.

Wait a minute.

Somebody's Incredible Nosiness. Right?

Close.

Where would your folks get an idea like that?

Michael, the only addition to the family that we've been planning is a dog.

A dog?

- Yeah. - You're kidding me.

What's so funny?

Honey, Dad asked me to persuade you to adopt from a Catholic agency

before the Steinbergs could find a rabbi who made house calls.

They never learn.

Nope.

[Bridget] You know, sweetheart,

the folks' nosiness has done one thing for me.

It's got me thinking about cribs and bassinets.

[Bernie] Oh, I thought I saw

that wouldn't-a-baby-be-fantastic look in your eyes.

[Otis] You better look out, Bernie.

About nine months ago, my sister Melanie had the same look.

[Bernie] Yeah?

[Otis] Now her husband's a little poorer but a whole lot happier.

[Bernie] Hey, man, hold it.

There's a thought there that might make a whole lot of people happier.

- Walt. Amy. - Hi.

What are you doing here?

Well, Bridget called and told us to come over.

For eight o'clock, maybe?

Oh, no, for eight o'clock exactly.

Well, Bernie called us too.

He says they have some kind of an announcement to make.

I'll bet it's about the baby. Oh, what do you think it's gonna be?

Who cares, as long as it's healthy and happy?

- And Catholic. - And Jewish.

Whatever it is, let's go up and hear the good news.

I wonder... I wonder when the big day's gonna be.

I think it was today!

- Hello, Mike. - Hello. Come in.

I knew you'd come through for us.

- And what is that supposed to mean? - It doesn't mean anything, Mr. Steinberg.

Look, I had nothing to do with Bridget and Bernie's decision.

Now, they've made this entirely on their own.

Mike, where is it?

It's not Jewish. Not Catholic.

Could be Baptist.

There goes the country club. And the athletic club.

And the beach privileges at the yacht club.

Oh, Sophie.

Oh, isn't he beautiful? Hello.

Look, he's grabbed at my pinky.

[Amy] Hello, sweetheart.

Oh, isn't it funny?

I mean, all of a sudden everybody has forgotten

whether the baby is a... a this or a that.

Hey, you're just a baby, aren't you?

You're right.

We're like a couple of broken records.

- Always making the same mistakes. - [Otis] And you made another one.

It's my nephew. Father Mike was babysitting for me

while I drove Bridget and Bernie downtown to pick up their new little bundle.

Hey, what is this?

What's this? What do you mean, what's this?

This is the grandson you've all been waiting for.

I'd like to introduce Spot Steinberg.

Oh, he's just beautiful!

Well, what do you think of him so far?

Oh, he's such a darling.

Gorgeous, you mean.

What kind of a dog is that?

Looks like an Irish setter.

An Irish setter? With a nose like that?

Even King Solomon couldn't settle this one.