Original subtitles

Hey. The coat looks terrific, Mom.

Gee, I hope Bernie likes it.

Oh, Bridget, that is lovely!

Oh, that is really you.

Do you think these are me?

- It's me, dear. - Oh, hello, darling.

- Oh, hi, darling. Bridget! - Hi, Dad.

Hey, those pants. They remind me of when we first met.

Walt, that was 1941.

'41. Great year for pants.

Lousy year for a honeymoon in Hawaii.

Well, do you like them?

Well, they do look a little old-fashioned.

Which reminds me, I'd like a martini.

Walt, these are Claude Originals. They're one of a kind.

I'll bet Claude is one of a kind, too.

I wanna check something.

- What? - The price.

$400?

Well, I don't care. I like them.

No one I know wears anything like this yet.

Except maybe Claude.

He's a nice man, Walt.

Yeah, well, for $200 a leg, he should be.

Now, there's something I like.

Mmm-hmm. Me, too.

- [Bridget] Bernie. - Hi, babe.

Hi, sweetheart.

Mmm, that's a pretty coat. It, uh, cost much?

Uh, $49.95 at Bloomingdale's.

It's reduced for clearance.

Isn't it lucky, Bernie,

that... that Bridget looks so marvelous in inexpensive clothes?

Yes, it, uh, comes in handy, especially when you're poor.

Oh, Bernie, I didn't mean it that way.

No, no, it's all right.

Only today, it happens to be a little truer than usual.

We voted to go out on strike today.

Looks like the cabs are gonna be stacked up for a while.

Oh, Bernie, what are you gonna do?

I don't know. I've been thinking, you know,

maybe it's about time I thought about something

a little more substantial.

You know, a business or a...

Oh, what would you like to be, Bernie?

Independently wealthy.

Uh, wh... what about your writing?

Oh, sweetheart, now understand, no matter what I wind up doing,

I'm gonna make enough time to write.

It's just that I'll give up sitting behind the wheel of a cab.

Which is not exactly like giving up the seat on a Supreme Court.

Besides, my old man has been after me

to come into the business for years.

The deli.

Oh, now, wait a minute, Bernie.

You know, there are lots of other, more substantial opportunities than that.

I mean, for instance, a position in... in one of my corporations.

Oh, that's right. Walt has told me so many times

that he was just praying that you'd come to your senses and settle down.

Amy.

And now it's happened.

You see, Walt, hell didn't have to freeze over.

Please, Amy.

Oh.

Bernie, I meant that when I said it.

I would really like to have you with me.

Thank you, Mr. Fitzgerald.

I'm... I'm really very flattered.

Believe me, I'll keep it in mind when I make my decision.

Now, Bernie, I don't wanna influence you,

but I do ask you, for your own good and for Bridget's,

that you compare the two opportunities

on a fair and impartial basis.

Now, on the one hand,

you have a nice little family delicatessen.

But on the other,

that is a cornucopia of corporations.

I mean, it's a veritable empire. Hmm?

[Bridget] Our last ride.

It's kind of sad, isn't it, having to turn the cab in?

[Bernie] Mmm, it certainly is.

We're gonna have to battle our way home on the subway.

You know, we met in this cab.

It... it's our own little matchmaker.

Yeah. But there's one advantage to getting rid of it.

I mean, I'll finally be able to find out

if you married me for my body or for the free rides.

No, I just figured it was time that maybe I settled down

and, you know, gave our lives a little stability.

Okay. if that's what you want.

I do.

But I think I'm gonna have to pass on your father's empire.

I mean, I'm not really the Nero type.

Besides, I really couldn't face my old man if I didn't at least give the deli a shot.

It's okay. I understand.

Uh, dinner will be ready in a few minutes, okay?

Hey, forget about dinner.

We're going out. We're gonna celebrate. Okay?

Can I have my reduced-for-clearance coat?

Sure.

You twisted my arm.

What do you want? Uh, Chinese? French? Puerto Rican? What?

Well, I've got a good idea.

I... I know this very handsome young deli owner.

You do, huh?

Why don't we go downstairs and give him the business?

I got an even better idea.

Why don't, uh... why don't you come here

and we'll see who gets the business.

Nothing personal, Sam.

I... I... I just thought I'd mention it.

The lean corned beef sandwich I ordered, it wasn't so lean.

So, who's gonna pay for the fat?

I'll tell you what, Maury.

Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna send all my cows to Weight Watchers.

Oh, it was just a joke.

Don't try to satisfy a customer.

This crazy business, it'll turn your brains to borscht.

I'd sell out in a minute for two cents if I got a better offer.

Uh, well, Father Steinberg,

Bernie's gonna make you an offer that you can't resist.

Uh, Dad, I guess what she's trying to say is that

if you'd still want me to come into the business with you, I'm ready.

You're kidding.

I'm 100 percent serious.

Sophie! Moe! He's kidding!

What do you mean, he's kidding?

Bernie, what are you kidding about?

Ma, the, uh...

Well, the cab union's gone on strike again, so I...

I don't know, I figured this was as good a time as any to take a shot at the deli.

You're kidding.

No.

- He's not kidding. - No.

Bernie, welcome to the Salami Set.

- Thank you, Uncle Moe. - Ah, Bernie, you're gonna love it.

It's got everything. It's pleasant,

it's got terrific hours.

Yeah. Fourteen of 'em every day, whether you like it or not.

Nothing's perfect. Except having my boy in business with me.

Steinberg and Son.

Oh, well, that's terrific news, Sam.

I'm... I'm really tickled for you.

Amy. Brandy.

What? Oh, yes. Yes.

Oh, you and Bernie should make a great team.

Make it a double.

Well, thanks. Thank you, Sam.

I... I'm very flattered that you called me first. Goodbye.

Goodbye to Bridget.

Oh, cheer up, Walt. You can't win 'em all.

Win 'em all?

Amy, that was the biggie, the Super Bowl, and we got creamed.

Bernie's just going to work for Sam.

Don't act as if we were losing a daughter.

What would you call it, gaining a delicatessen?

It's just a job.

Amy, you don't understand.

But why should today be different?

If Bernie were thinking of Bridget, he would have accepted my offer.

Oh, when I think of the ballet lessons,

the finishing schools, the debutante parties.

All to end up ladling matzo ball soup.

Just like Sophie.

Oh, was Sophie a debutante, too?

What?

[Sam] I had that sign painted the day after you were born.

It's beautiful.

Where do you want me to put it?

I'm tired of carrying you guys.

Tell the carpenter, right over the door.

Tomorrow I'll order a bigger one with lights.

Hey, Dad. Now, hold on.

I mean, let's not get carried away.

Who knows? I... I might be terrible working for you.

What do you mean, working for me? We're partners.

You've got an equal say in everything.

Thanks.

- Dad? - Yes, Son?

Uh, there are just a few things that I wrote down.

Already with the improvements.

Just like me. Always thinking. Go ahead.

Well, one thing, I... I, uh, been making a survey today.

A survey.

Well, I listed the customers that come into the store.

Dad, do you realize something?

Almost all of our customers are over 60,

and practically none of them comes from farther away

than Second Avenue and Fourth Street.

So? This is a neighborhood deli.

Where do you expect them to come from? Sydney, Australia?

Yeah. Look, I just figured that maybe with a little extra merchandising,

you know, we could find a lot of additional customers.

You know, kind of broaden your base.

Well, from here it looks to me like his base is broad enough already.

Don't make with the jokes.

What kind of additional customers?

Well, for one thing, Dad,

there is a world of young people out there.

Sure, and they all got appetites.

Oh, I know about their appetites. But when do they eat?

Nah. I don't like to experiment.

[Bernie] Dad.

Yeah, Son?

Look, you said we were partners.

I mean, uh, don't you think you could at least give some of my ideas a try?

Bernie, you're right. Go ahead. Tell me about 'em.

Sam, as I said to Raquel Welch in my dream the other night,

"Relax. You're gonna be here a long while."

- Amy! - Oh, hello there!

Father Mike.

You look so adorable.

[Walter] How are you, Moe? You've really done a quite...

Mr. Steinberg. Oh, you and Bernie have done wonders with this place.

- Mike. - Look at this.

Well, it doesn't even look like a delicatessen anymore.

You're telling me?

Wow. Talk about a silk purse from a sow's ear.

- Amy. - Oh.

A cow's ear?

Oh... Look, Walt. Bridget.

A waitress?

Hi. Espresso, anyone?

- Oh, thank you, Bridget. - Okay.

You see, Walt?

And you were so afraid she'd be dishing up matzo ball soup.

Amy.

Sam, what... what've you done to the place?

Just made a few changes. You don't like it?

Well, I must say, Sam,

when you say you're gonna remove the fat, you don't fool around.

Well, are you gonna come in?

Uh, no, I better not, Sam. Not till I get a divorce from my wife.

Love it, Mr. Steinberg. Love it.

Bernie, I wanna talk to you.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Dad. Can it wait?

Hey, did I tell you we got a hit on our hands?

Oh, listen, remind me later,

I wanna talk to you about adding a gourmet section.

You know, a little pate, uh, caviar, some lobster.

Lobster? The only thing that'll swim into this place is a herring.

Bernie, come back here.

Trouble?

Of course not.

Just because my partner turned into a Frankenstein?

No trouble. Just a little problem.

How do you fire your own son?

Walt.

Hello, Walt.

Moe. Sam, I just had to drop by

and tell you how impressed I was with your new operation.

- That was a great party last night. - Thank you.

But, uh, after I say what I'm going to,

uh, I'm afraid you might wanna throw me out.

Ah, live dangerous.

Well, Sam, you really should fire Bernie.

Walt, sit down.

I'll get coffee.

For his own good, of course.

But the way that he has fixed this place up,

the decor, the new menus...

Well, Sam, it's genius.

"Genius"? I think that's a little strong.

I mean, Einstein had genius.

I'm just extraordinarily talented.

It's obvious, Sam, that Bernie is a born businessman.

And no offense, but I do think it would be a waste

to keep him here in the deli.

No, he should be playing with the big boys.

Mr. Fitzgerald, that's really very nice of you,

but the thing is, the decision was made...

Bernie, you're interrupting.

Walt, we're both businessmen. What are you proposing?

Well, Sam, in my corporate empire,

there would be no limit to his opportunities.

I mean, he could just let his creative juices flow.

Listen, could I say something?

Bernie, please, we're discussing your future. Will you stay out of this?

Walt, you've got a point.

What kind of a father would I be

if I let him pass up an opportunity like this?

[Sam] You think I could live with myself?

Sam, I knew you'd understand.

Yeah, well, I don't.

I mean, the thing is, we're just getting started--

Son. Son, it's better to be a big fish in a big pond

than to be a pickled herring in a deli.

Sam, Bernie has tried this. So now why doesn't he try my world?

I'm not asking for a final decision. I'm just asking him to try it.

What do you say, Bernie?

Well, see, the thing is,

I... I don't know if Dad can handle this by himself.

- I mean, can you, Dad? - Of course I can handle it.

I'll take all your ideas, and believe me,

I know exactly what to do with them.

Well, if you feel that way...

Sam, you're doing a wonderful thing.

- Mr. Fitzgerald... - And you won't be sorry.

- Dad... - I feel good about it already.

- Listen, hey, uh-- - Walt...

Hey, you look terrific. How do you feel?

Well, silly.

Well, why silly?

Because the only thing I got to carry

in this expensive briefcase your mother bought me

is a... pastrami sandwich and a bottle of cream soda.

[Walter] Oh, and, Bernie, here's Don Forbes.

- Marc Bryan, Charley Watts. - How do you do?

Nice to meet you. How do you do, sir?

- [Walter] Bernie? Bernie, please. - Yeah.

I, uh, want you to meet Pete Conley.

- How do you do, sir? - Uh, nice to have you aboard, fella.

- And over here, Oakleigh French. - Greetings, mate.

Now you've met our little band of cutthroats.

- Pleasure. - All right, gentlemen,

I'll see you in the executive dining room for lunch.

[Walter] This way, Bernie.

Here we are.

Your own door with your own name.

Yeah, well, I... I thought that looked familiar.

Well, I, uh, guess I'd better get to work, huh?

Right.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I almost forgot the most important thing.

There. Welcome aboard.

What's that?

Key to the executive washroom.

- Hi. - Hi, sweetheart.

How'd it go today?

Three conferences, four executive board meetings,

and a top-top-level strategy session.

What does all that mean?

Three martinis for lunch.

What do you wanna do tonight?

Babe, what I wanna do

and what I got the energy to do are two different things.

Don't ask me, Walt. Ask your son-in-law.

You put him in charge of the convention.

Bernie, we have 600 men in our construction division.

Why is it that for the convention we're giving tomorrow,

only 38 have signed up?

- Well, uh-- - Here.

Here, this might be of some use.

Oh, no.

What?

Bernie, men in construction are rugged individualists.

They work hard on the job and they play hard at conventions.

That's why we never do what you did.

What?

Send them back to the same hotel

where they had last year's stag convention.

Oh.

Especially send them back... with their wives.

Oh.

And he doesn't go near his typewriter.

He just drags in from work, throws down his food,

and jumps passionately into bed

with his briefcase.

Oh, Bridget, I'm so glad he likes that briefcase.

Do you know, I shopped all over for that,

from Gucci to Mark Cross, and--

I just don't think Bernie's cut out for big business.

Well, Bridget, if you think he's moving too slowly--

Mother, the problem is that there's no movement at all.

There's no... Oh...

Oh.

W.F., I don't believe this.

This man is accusing me of falsifying my expense accounts.

Well, you might call it that.

And then again, you might call it exactly what it is,

which is stealing.

Now, wait a minute. Just hold on, Bernie.

Oakleigh, I'm sure there's been some kind of a mistake.

You're right, and it's yours. Hiring him.

Now, wait. Oakleigh, wait! Just a minute.

I'm sure Bernie was kidding.

Mr. Fitzgerald, really, there's nothing to worry about.

I mean, he won't dare take you to court.

It's obvious he's been chiseling you out of hundreds of dollars a month.

I know all about that.

And up until just a few seconds ago,

his father's bank had been loaning us millions of dollars a month.

No, his father wouldn't do that...

His father would do that.

Well, I don't know, honey. What can I say?

I mean, I feel, uh... I feel guilty.

I'm the one who was supposed to go into business with Dad, you know.

Well, don't be silly, Michael.

It's not your fault if you're a religious fanatic.

Hi, Michael. Hi, baby.

Hello, sweetheart. Another fun day?

Did you wanna release that voluntarily, or shall I call a surgeon?

Hey, Otis called. He says the strike has been settled.

Hey, that's terrific.

For Otis and the guys.

How are things going down at the Fitzgerald sweatshop, Bernie?

Oh, just terrific, Michael. I mean, it's so stimulating.

You know, I mean...

I hope this doesn't mean very much,

but I'm having a lot of trouble lying to you.

Maybe to yourself, too, huh?

Bernie, wh... why don't you just go all the way

and... and tell them that you're not happy?

I... I don't think either of you understand this...

the corporate structure.

"Them" is a computer,

and by the time they got through with me,

I'd probably end up as a card marked "insufficient information."

Sam, I've gotta talk to you about Bernie.

Gin.

How's he doin' in the world of big business?

Oh, Moe, he is terrific.

That's why I've been feeling guilty, Sam, ever since I took him away from you.

I mean, it was selfish on my part to ask you to give him up.

That's why I want you to have him back.

No, Walt, you need him too much.

I wouldn't ask you to make such a sacrifice.

Ask me! A few sacrifices would do me good.

You two sound like you're up for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Sam, since Bernie is doing so good on his new job,

why not tell Walt the truth?

Huh?

You're right, Moe.

Walt, believe me, I would've paid you to take him off my hands.

What?

Yeah. Bernie and his new crazy, modern ideas.

He was just driving me Meshuggah.

Oh, he may be driving you Meshuggah,

but he's driving me crazy.

He doesn't understand the game. He's too honest.

- That's bad? - Bad?

Moe, take it from me, if big business were run on honesty,

this country would be at a standstill.

All right, at least now we're being honest.

Some people just aren't made to be in business.

Now, we'll save ourselves a lot of ulcers

if we can just figure out a way to tell Bernie that.

Right. How?

What's the matter with the truth?

Oh, come on, Moe.

You can come up with something better than that.

No. Moe's right.

We'll just come right out and tell him.

Bernie, you're not gonna do a good job if you're not happy there,

and so you've gotta resign.

That's just terrific. But how do I tell your father?

Well, I know this may sound a little like Spencer Tracy

talking to Mickey Rooney...

...but, uh, say what you feel, Bernie. Just be honest.

- Hi. - [Walter] Hi, dear.

Uh... Oh, Mike. Bernie.

- Hi. - Mike.

I was, uh, just visiting with Sam and Moe.

Yeah. We were playing gin.

Oh.

Busy day down at the office today, huh?

Oh, yeah. Well, it gets that way sometimes.

That's the way offices are.

Bernie.

Yeah. Uh, Mr. Fitzgerald,

I, uh...

realize that, uh, everything I've done down there

hasn't really worked out very well.

Bernie, you've been just great.

I'm behind you 1,000 percent.

Oh, really?

Well, maybe I should put that another way.

[Mike] You know something?

I think if Diogenes was looking for an honest man in this room,

he would need a lot more than a lantern.

Yeah. More like a laser beam.

- Bernie-- - Mr. Fitzgerald,

- look, I'm not really happy... - I should be honest with you...

- You wanna quit? - You wanna fire me?

- Yes. - Yes.

Well!

- What were you gonna say, Dad? - Oh, nothin'.

Sam.

Okay.

By the time you left,

I was ready to saw that Steinberg and Son sign in half.

- [Sam] I make a lousy partner. - Dad.

Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Fitzgerald.

Thank you, Bernie.

I've never fired anyone who enjoyed it so much.

- Hi, babe. - Hello, sweetheart.

How was it driving the cab today?

Oh, just great. Terrific.

Got a ticket for running a red light.

Got stiffed three times for tips.

Had a very cold, greasy hamburger for lunch.

Drove this nitwit around for about an hour

until he finally realized he wasn't in Cleveland.

That bad, huh?

It was fantastic. I loved it.

All right, just like the good old days.

And, uh, speaking of the good old days, uh...

Listen, sweetheart,

why don't you forget about dinner for a while?

I got something better in mind.