Original subtitles

The Steinbergs aren't invited?

Well, why not, Daddy?

Take that up with your mother, dear. She has the invitation list.

- Mother? - Just a minute, dear. Uh--

Oh, oh, Bridget, would you hand me that other guest list, please?

Walt, dear, do you think that maybe I should call Francois

and order ten extra bottles of champagne?

Why? Oh. ls your brother coming?

Oh, now, Walt, really. Why do you always pick on Dwight?

You know he only drinks to forget.

Don't you ever wonder what it is he's trying to forget?

Well, of course, but every time I ask him,

he's always too drunk to remember.

No more booze.

Amy, we are giving a party for the United Nations,

not for the dropouts of Alcoholics Anonymous.

A UN group would be perfect for the Steinbergs, Daddy.

Oh, yes.

And, Walt, they do have sort of a... Well, an international background.

Amy, having a Polish salami in the window

is not the same as having a seat on the Security Council.

Don't get me wrong, Bridget. We like them.

But they just, well, just wouldn't fit in.

Oh, we'll make it up to them, dear.

Of course. There'll be lots of other parties.

As a matter of fact, you know, we should have them over for dinner, you know.

- Alone. - Of course.

Happiness is hiding out with the Steinbergs.

Now, that is not fair, Bridget.

Decent as the Steinbergs are,

you have to admit that there is a slight culture gap.

I mean, there are, well, differences.

Differences that can't be overcome by plain, ordinary communication?

Frankly, yes.

Just the other day, I happened to mention to your father-in-law

that I collected stamps.

And he said that he did too,

and as soon as he had three more books filled,

he was gonna get an electric blanket.

Well... well, I'm sure they wouldn't embarrass you, Daddy.

Darling, I'm just as worried about embarrassing them.

I mean, after all, who would they know that was there?

I mean, who would they have to talk to?

Well, us. Bernie and I were invited.

Oh, well, you're family, dear.

And a lot of the ambassadors knew you as a child.

Well, who would Bernie have to talk to?

Oh, Bridget.

Bridget, there will be a guest of Bernie's religious persuasion there.

As a matter of fact, he's the guest of honor.

Um... Uh...

Oh, Walt, you know.

General Moshe Dayan.

Moshe Dayan.

Bernie, Moshe Dayan is gonna be there.

Mm-hmm.

The general that led the Israeli army to victory.

You've been peeking at the Jewish Encyclopedia again,

haven't you?

- Bernie, how can you take it so calmly? - Ow! Ooh, ooh, ooh.

I won't take it calmly, I promise you,

now that you've dislocated my shoulder.

Bernie, you know how your folks feel about Moshe Dayan.

- How can I get my parents to invite them? - Sweetheart.

Sweetheart, look,

our parents have different backgrounds,

different interests, different friends, so why should they get together?

Because of all the things that they have in common.

What things?

Their differences.

My mother tried to warn me about Catholic girls and their drinking,

but I just wouldn't listen to her.

- You don't think it's so wrong, then? - No.

I don't even think it's especially serious.

Particularly if they don't find out that the general's going to be there.

Moshe Dayan!

Huh? What about Moshe Dayan?

Uh, nothing, nothing.

Something I saw in the paper made me say "Moshe Dayan."

That would take the place of "Holy mackerel."

What about the great man, Moe?

He's here in town to attend a party.

- A UN party. - Hmm.

At the Walter Fitzgeralds'.

Oh, that's nice.

Hmm, the Walter Fitzgeralds'.

The Walter Fitzgeralds'?

Could be my... my English isn't too good.

Maybe I was reading from right to left instead of from left to right.

His picture you don't have to read. It's him.

It's him. It's him.

It's him. Can we go?

You're doing the inviting, Sophie?

Since when is your name Walter Fitzgerald?

Sam, if they didn't invite us, what can we do?

We can stay home, that's what we can do.

Sophie, we don't belong in that group.

At least I admire the man for not being a hypocrite and inviting us.

Well, I'm not such an admirer.

Me miss Moshe Dayan

when living upstairs is, open sesame, our daughter-in-law?

Sophie. You listen, and you listen good.

Not one word to that child.

You don't sandwich her in the middle of two families

like a piece of salami.

Oh, Sam. But for Moshe Dayan...

Not if Golda Meir and the whole Israeli army

were gonna be there to shake our hand.

We love this girl, and we don't want to embarrass her.

No mention of Moshe Dayan, hmm?

- Oh, Sam... - Your word, Sophie.

Okay. You've got my word, Sam. But you know who's got my heart?

Moshe Dayan.

I just thought the kids would like a nice calendar.

Sophie. No calendars.

Okay. Let 'em guess what day it is.

Hello.

[Sophie] Look who's here. Father Mike.

A ray of sunshine from another part of the world.

Hello, Padre.

Listen, I stopped by to pick up the order for the archbishop.

For your friend, we have lox, bagels, smoked herring.

My, uh, friend likes a little onion in his chopped liver.

He's got it. He's also got extra pickles.

For Bridget's brother's archbishop, nothing is too good.

Speaking of Bridget's brother, how are your dear parents, Mike?

Oh, they're just fine, Mrs. Steinberg.

[Sophie] Good. Such lovely people.

Known them just a few short months,

but already the warmth oozes through.

And I'm sure they feel the same way about us.

Sophie...

Is it wrong to say, Mike,

if we ever do anything to offend them, let us know?

Sophie...

And vice versa?

Sophie, it's wrong to give your word and break it.

[Sophie] Who broke?

When I give my word not to speak about someone, I don't speak.

A little cinder.

But, Bernie, Mike said your mother's feelings were hurt.

- Oh... - I mean, really hurt.

Look, what Michael saw is what I've been seeing my whole life.

Mother Steinberg's famous "Share the guilt" special.

Well, I've got a Bridget Fitzgerald Steinberg special

that I'm gonna lay on my folks.

Hey, do me a favor.

Practice how to be a Jewish mother another time, not now.

Bernie, I can't go down there and face your mother's eye patch again.

Sweetheart, we can't solve our parents' problems for them.

I'm sorry, Bernie, but I've made up my mind.

Okay.

Mm.

And there's nothing you can do to make me change it.

Mm-hmm.

But you're welcome to keep on trying.

Look, Francois,

two more emerging African delegates have accepted our invitation.

Oui, madame.

You know, I can seat them next to all those blond Norwegian

and Danish and Swedish ambassadors for... for contrast.

Oh, Walt, you remember Francois.

I ought to.

He's been overcharging me for the pâté de foie gras

for the last five years.

You know, I still don't know where to seat my Italians.

Well, just keep them away from the crystal.

The way they talk with their hands, they're sure to break something.

I'll get it.

Hello-- Oh, it's all right, Charles, I have it. Hello?

- Mm. - Hello?

Who is it, dear?

I'm not sure. I think it may be an obscene phone call.

Daddy, it's me.

I still think it's a mistake.

I love you for the way you interfered anyway.

[Bernie] Mm.

Bridget, could you try tapping out your message in Morse code?

I feel like I'm eavesdropping on a suction pump.

Francois, do you think that Italians would mind

being seated next to French doors?

Bridget, we've been all through that.

The Steinbergs just won't fit in.

All right, Daddy. Then all the Steinbergs won't fit in.

- Bernie and I aren't coming either. - You and Bernie are not coming?

Not coming?

Walt. Walt, she has to come.

I mean, oodles of people are expecting her, including me.

Besides, she RSVP'd, and that's the same as giving your oath.

Bridget, you've RSVP'd.

And according to Amy Vanderbilt, that's just as good as giving your oath.

Besides, do you wanna break your mother's heart?

If you're applying some Catholic guilt, Dad, save it.

Either the Steinbergs are invited, or we don't come.

Young woman, that is blackmail, and I will not be blackmailed.

Oh, don't be silly, Walt.

Why should you treat her different from any of our other friends?

Steinberg's.

Hello? Oh. Yeah, Walt.

Forgive this late call, Sam,

uh, but we're having a little party tomorrow night,

and for some inexplicable reason,

you and Moe and Sophie weren't invited.

But you are now.

That's very nice of you, Walt.

Good. Then we'll expect you a little after 8:00.

Naturally, you and Moe will be in black tie,

and I'm sure Sophie will look just fine.

You didn't wait for me to finish, Walt.

I said that's very kind of you, but we're not coming.

Well, of course you're coming. Everybody's counting on it.

We would've invited you sooner, but there was some oversight.

Oversight? It was an afterthought.

And I'll tell you after what it was a thought.

After you heard from Bridget.

Now, see here, Sam,

I'm just trying to do the right thing.

So stop being a hard head.

Hardhead? Why don't you try doing the right thing

by not being a hypocrite?

Just a minute, Sam.

Getting down to name-calling is pretty juvenile.

I issued a simple invitation,

and all I want is a simple yes or no.

No. Is that simple enough?

From a simpleton, that's plenty!

So, what's the big no, Sam?

Walter Fitzgerald.

He invited us to his party, and I turned him down.

We were invited, and you turned it down?

I did.

We were invited, and you turned it down?

I had to.

You turned down an invitation to see Moshe Dayan?

Sophie, the hypocrite invited us as an afterthought.

We were invited, and you turned it down?

Sophie, there's such a thing as pride.

Talk about a rush hour.

We were invited, and he turned it down.

Walter Fitzgerald called?

And invited us. And he turned it down.

Sophie, will you throw your mouth into second gear already?

We were invited to see Moshe Dayan,

and he turned it down.

I got a feeling those are the only words I'm gonna hear

for the rest of my life.

You understand, don't you, Moe?

He invited us, and you turned it down?

What am I asking for, Sam? Diamonds? Furs?

Just Moshe Dayan, which doesn't cost a cent,

and they give you a dinner, besides.

Look, Sophie, I told you,

I'd give anything to see the great general, just like you.

But I will not accept a last-minute invitation

from the Fitzgeralds.

It's a matter of principle.

Moe, will you please lend me a hand?

I'm sorry, but when I start cleaning a counter,

I don't stop until I'm finished.

It's a matter of principle.

Oh, from both Sonny and Cher? I don't need it.

I'm going inside to watch TV. At least it don't talk back.

Go.

Maybe a certain one-eyed Jewish saint we'll never meet is on the local news.

Relax, schatzi.

There's more than one way to skin a cat.

And I think I know just the mouse who could do it.

Merci, madame.

I assure you, my entire staff and I, we will spare no effort

to make your dinner for Madame Onassis extraordinaire.

Enchanté, madame.

Well, hello.

Shalom, lantzman. How do you do?

Hello, Max. I'm fine. How are you?

Oh, it's been a long time, Moe.

Oh, the times we had together.

Could I forget?

Remember the time you talked that cute little redhead Ruthie

into going to the temple dance with me?

Oh, Ruthie! Whatever became of her?

- Not much. I married her. - Oh!

I could always count on good old Moe when I needed you.

Yeah. But when it comes to good turns, how about when you saved my life?

I saved your life? When did I do that?

Any minute now.

Nu? Talk.

This Saturday, you're supposed to cater a certain affair.

Nice to see you again.

How are you?

[Bernie] Let me get you a drink.

- There you go. - [Mike] Thank you.

I feel guilty being here without your parents.

Well, how do you think I feel if I couldn't do anything,

with all my connections?

Listen, Michael, we did everything that we could.

I mean, who was to think that my father would be more stubborn than yours?

I call it a toss-up.

Hey. Excuse me.

It's no toss-up to me. It was Daddy's fault.

He came up with too little too late.

Oh, kids, I want you to meet a friend of mine, Horace Cavendish,

president of Cavendish Tool and Die.

This is my daughter, Bridget, and her husband, Bernard Stein...

Mr. and Mrs. Steinway.

Well, it's nice to meet you. Is that the piano Steinways?

No, that's the, uh, Steinberg Steinways.

Bernard's family is in the restaurant business.

I don't believe I've met them.

Oh, well, I wish you could, but they're not here tonight.

Uh, tied up.

When you call a board meeting, you can't leave out the big cheeses.

Not to mention the knockwursts or salamis.

Your parents are smart, Bernard. There's big money in food.

Rain or shine, people have gotta eat.

Oh, listen, maybe you can tell me

how I can get from tool and die into knives and forks.

Well, I've been trying to get from cabs to typewriters, myself.

That's very interesting.

Look, I have something to talk to you about.

Right over this way.

I just can't figure out where they are, Walt.

Could you narrow the field down just a little bit, please?

You know.

Your dentist didn't show up.

- No, the caterers. - Hmm.

Oh, honestly, I'm just so worried about what could have happened to the--

Oh.

Don't worry, dear. I'm not worried anymore. Look.

Who--? Who--? Who--?

Sam, Sophie and Uncle Moe.

I know who. I don't mean that who.

I mean who let them in here? You were dealing with Francois.

Oh, Walt.

You don't suppose the Steinbergs are of French extraction, do you?

Couldn't you smile a little, Sam? It goes with the service.

Tonight a frown goes with the service.

I'm saving the smile till I see an eye patch.

Now, now, now, wait, Walt. Before you say anything, have a drink.

What are you doing here? We hired French caterers.

Oh, is that all?

Monsieur, Voulez-vous un bissel shot?

Francois himself taught me this

before he subcontracted the dinner to us.

Oh, well, that's the last time I help France win a war.

What is this?

Well, that's Concord grape. We use it for Passover all the time.

But I ordered Château de coeur, '64, 50 bottles.

For the same price, we got you 50 cases.

We got you a bargain.

Look who's at the ball.

- Ma, what are you doing here? - Mother Steinberg, you made it!

Like Cinderella.

But I'd give up all my princes for one certain general.

Well, would a French envoy do for starters, Ma?

Monsieur Latour, I'd like you to meet my mother, Mrs. Steinberg.

Oh. Enchanté.

A shanty to you too, Your Majesty.

How do you like my son?

Oh, except for the tie.

- Ma, what are you doing? - Madam. Madam.

Madam, this is the French envoy.

I know. My Bernie introduced us.

So he's helped around the house before, haven't you, Frenchy?

Excuse me.

Bernie. Bernie, my boy, you have got to do something fast.

About what? I'm mingling as fast as I can.

I mean about your parents.

I'm afraid they're a little out of their league.

I mean, this is a little too big for them to handle.

After all, Bernie, this is the UN, not a bar mitzvah.

You know something, Mr. Fitzgerald?

I think you're absolutely right. It is too big for the three of them.

Uh, Bridget, shall we?

- Why not? It's the least we can do. - Mm-hmm.

Excuse me.

Oh. That's not what I-- Bridget-- Bernard--

I just met your daughter's in-laws.

You know, that chairman of the board makes a mean knish.

Amy. Amy, I know how you feel, but don't jump.

I can't understand what's keeping Moshe Dayan.

He probably heard who was catering.

Amy, we have got to get the Steinbergs out of here

before this whole room finds out that we're practically related to the help.

Well, Walt, you should've invited them in the first place.

I mean, it wouldn't be nearly so bad being related to them if they were guests.

I see your point, obscure as it usually is.

Sam. Sam, could I have a word with you?

Words I wouldn't have with you even in your own house.

We're here to serve, see Moshe Dayan, and go.

It's the serving part I'm talking about.

Look, since you're here,

why don't you just get into your regular jackets and enjoy?

Oh, suddenly you're inviting a hardheaded simpleton to enjoy?

Forget about that.

I'm not even holding it against you for coming in here

and catering this... this Second Avenue smorgasbord.

My head, you can insult. My catering, never.

Sophie, Moe, we're getting our coats and we're leaving.

Sam! Sa-- Oh, Sophie-- Moe!

Walt. They're leaving?

Well, what happened? Did I miss Moshe Dayan?

No, and you won't miss them either.

Excuse me, Mr. Fitzgerald.

There's someone at the door babbling in a foreign tongue.

So are 50 others in here, Charles. You'll have to do better than that.

[Walter] Excuse me, excuse me.

- Uh, Mr. Fitzgerald? - Yes.

- Shalom. - Shalom.

Can I help you, sir?

...Moshe Dayan.

No, I can't help you, sir. I can't understand a word you're saying.

Oh, Walt, I think he said something about Moshe Dayan.

Yes, yes, I could figure that out. But who speaks Hebrew around here?

Aha!

We came in by the back door, we're leaving by the front door.

Sam, Sam, why do you have to leave by any door?

I think he wants something, Sam.

I do. I want to apologize for what I said.

Well, for Moshe, maybe I'll bend a little.

Sam, I am sorry about this whole thing.

We should have invited you as guests in the first place.

And as for a Hardhead,

well, will you shake hands with the hardest head

this side of the Brooklyn Bridge?

So, second biggest Hardhead, shake a little.

And may the next hand you shake be that of Moshe Dayan.

And you'll shake it from the front of the reception line, Sam,

if you can tell me what this guy is talking about.

Mother Steinberg. Oh, are you leaving?

Leaving? We've only just begun to stay.

You should've heard your father.

Sophie, from scullery maid to maid of honor.

I'm going to be in the front of the line for Moshe Dayan.

Hey, that's terrific.

Cinderella never had it so good.

Honestly, that was the friendliest United Nations party

I've ever been to.

With Moshe Dayan putting his arm around Mother Steinberg's shoulders,

you know you've got a happy group.

Oh, and when he put his arm around my shoulder,

you know it was an even happier group.

You know, I think the major credit for the evening

goes to Lubner's Concord grape.

It's a secret formula handed down for three generations.

Well, here's to all three.

By the way, Moe, what is the formula?

Never let it age for more than two and a half weeks.

You know, there's one thing I missed, though.

To cap the evening, how about a little dancing to Guy Lombardo?

Oh, that's a good idea.

If Guy Lombardo had my feet,

even he wouldn't dance to Guy Lombardo.

That's Guy Lombardo? That's a hora.

Oh, I know.

That's the record that I got in honor of Moshe Dayan.

- I'll change it. - [Sophie] No, no, no, no. Hold it.

You're going to stop it just when my little toes are beginning to palpitate.

Come along, Papa. Come on.

Hey, hey, hey!

Come on, join us.

[Sam] Come on in and join the fun.