Original subtitles

Bye.

Oh, I haven't fixed up your lunch yet.

Don't worry. I'll get something uptown.

Bye-bye.

- [Bridget] Drive carefully. - [Bernie] Mm-hmm.

Hello?

Hi, Mom. Fine, thanks.

Look, dear, I was just looking over my calendar

and your father and I would like to have you for dinner.

Bernie too, of course.

Well, I'll have to check with Bernie first.

No, it's... it's not that.

It's just Bernie's driving schedule's so haphazard

that I don't know if he'll be free Friday night.

Uh, Mom, there's someone at the door. Can I get back to you later?

Okay, thanks. Bye-bye.

- Oh, hello, dear. - [Bridget] Hi.

I'm glad to see I didn't wake you up.

- Oh, I've been up-- - Oh, don't apologize.

I'd sleep late too, if I didn't have so much work.

- What are these? - Bernie's rubbers.

The paper said rain today.

And Bernie always forgets his rubbers.

Well, he's forgotten them again today. He's already gone.

Oh, that's too bad.

- Would you like some coffee? - Oh, just a thimbleful, dear.

I see you haven't finished your breakfast.

No, I have. That's Bernie's.

He wasn't hungry.

Bernie's? Eggs with ham?

I'm not surprised.

I make it for him practically every morning.

It's his favorite breakfast.

It may be his favorite breakfast up here,

but down here, murder.

Hm. Do you think it's the ham?

I don't think it's the eggs.

Believe me, I wouldn't talk this way if I didn't know him.

Take my word.

But he could say anything, you understand?

He could even believe it, but deep down

he is, he always will be, Jewish.

You mean his subconscious?

Hmm. That, too.

I hope I'm not mixing in.

No, it's just... I don't really think of Bernie as being Jewish.

I just think of him as Bernie.

No matter how you think of him, it stands to reason

that if a few weeks of Catholic cooking

can make Bernie lose his appetite,

think how he'd behave after a year of Catholic living.

Well.

Roots.

[Sophie] They go deep, my dear.

There's an old saying in this neighborhood,

maybe you've heard it.

"You can take the boy out of Judaism,

but you can't take Judaism out of the boy."

Sometimes I think it's my duty, you know, to tell you things,

as long as I don't mix in.

So, ketzeleh. What is it?

Why do you wanna talk?

Uncle Moe, I have a problem.

It's probably nothing, but it's... it's about Bernie.

That's nothing? What about him?

Well, he may be liberal and everything

but he's never been married to a Catholic before.

Maybe it's a shock to his Jewish system.

Forgive me.

On this point, I am not in agreement.

Bernie has two good eyes and on you they were 100 percent open.

He could really Kvell from you.

Kvell?

Kvell.

To be proud.

Well, maybe he had a... a better reason

for not eating his ham and eggs.

I have nothing against what, uh, you just said.

This place is supposed to be a kosher deli, you know, Jewish.

Somebody could overhear.

You see, that's what I'm talking about,

a... a kind of sensitivity to things that maybe I'm not taking into account.

When it comes right down to it, I don't know anything about being Jewish.

You haven't got enough problems?

Well, maybe if I understood the customs and the background and the history,

maybe I could relate to Bernie a little better.

He's given you some kind of test?

No. It's...

It's just, I don't want to be a stranger to the family anymore.

You know, I still call Mrs. Steinberg "Mrs. Steinberg," like an outsider.

Well, not anymore.

Now, tell me.

What, pussycat? What?

Anything. So long as it's kosher.

Hi. The story's really cooking now.

I was stuck for a while,

but I had a fantastic idea today in the cab.

The thing is, I didn't realize that--

Um...

This is a little distracting, you know?

Hmm. It better be.

What is it? You want my hero to make love in the middle of the battle?

Tell me a better way to stop a war.

Sweetheart, give me just a few more minutes, okay?

I got a feeling this is it, the lucky one.

Publishers will fight for it.

- Mazel tov. - Right.

Uh, hey...

How long have you been studying French?

- Didn't I pronounce it right? - You do know what you said.

Of course. Mazel tov.

Good luck and may the good luck last forever. All right?

Uh, my mother's been here, right?

Well, she brought your rubbers in this morning.

And snuck in a little propaganda?

I learned one thing about your mother.

She never mixes in.

I've got to get her to come out of her shell.

You're not bugged?

Well, there is something about hearing

Jewish words from Catholic lips that, uh...

makes me feel very romantic.

How come that makes you feel romantic?

Well, right now, uh, everything makes me feel romantic.

Beautiful. But there's so much more to learn, Uncle Moe.

Take it easy.

Rome wasn't built in a day, you know.

I'm telling you about Rome.

Now I wanna know about the second part of the brocha.

- The what? - The brocha.

The blessing that you just told me about.

Oh, you meant the brocha.

- The Bro... - ...cha.

No, it's spelled with a cha, like in Chanukah.

Cha...

No, not cha. Cha. Cha.

- Cha. - Cha.

Gargle a little. Not bad.

But I know a rabbi who could really help you with the cha.

Rabbi Greenthall.

He's a genius on anything Jewish.

You think he'd be willing to teach a Catholic?

To Rabbi Greenthall, a person is a person,

even a Catholic.

I'm so excited, Uncle Moe.

Wait till Bernie and his folks find out.

I'd love to be there.

Why not? I'll have you all to dinner.

I've been wanting to invite you for a long time anyway.

Terrific!

Uh...

- Except... - Except what?

Well, it's your father-in-law.

He thinks kosher.

Me, I'm not so strict. I just won't eat meat from a pig

or from any animal without a cloven hoof.

And I won't mix meat with dairy.

And of course, no shellfish.

But I don't go overboard.

Kosher, Uncle Moe? I've never made a kosher meal in my life.

I've got just the thing for you.

Sophie's recipe book.

One pickled herring is worth 1,000 words.

...so the butcher said, "Lady, could you pass such a test?"

Hope you're in the mood for soup.

- Smells good. - Yes. Sure--

What's this?

What's what?

This white thing in the middle.

Now that's a matzo ball.

- That's a matzo ball? - Very nice touch.

Especially in matzo ball soup.

Oh, very nice. Really, Bridget, you're a marvel.

I couldn't have made it better myself.

Well, I hope you like the boiled chicken.

Boiled?

Oh, Bernie, you've got a real homemaker here.

Yeah. And she's cute, too.

Listen, you get tired of this place, you'll come running right away to us.

Boiled chicken.

Oh, but first, before we eat, we have the brocha.

Wait. Uh, another brocha?

I mean, we just had one before the chopped liver.

Well, this one's for the bread.

That was wonderful.

I gotta be honest, Bernie, she's some girl.

Yeah.

I propose a toast.

To the nicest half-Jewish couple in town.

L'chaim.

L'chaim.

Cheers.

Goodnight. Goodnight.

Sophie, I want to tell you,

when it comes to cooking, you can take a back seat.

Don't say it, Bernie. I saw it in their eyes.

I never thought it would happen but it has.

- Well, something has. - I'm part of it.

I'm part of the whole thing.

Your parents didn't say anything,

but I knew that inside they were kvelling with pride.

It's like I'm their real daughter.

- Yeah, well... - Let me tell you something.

Even with my own parents,

I have never had such a good feeling.

I'm so happy.

Aren't you?

I wish I could tell you how happy I am.

Hey, this is black cat to white honkey.

Come in, if you read me.

How are you?

- Something bugging you? No, no. I'm all right.

I'm just a little uptight, that's all.

- Bridget? - Yep.

Well, what's the problem?

Well, she just made a gigantic discovery.

Judaism.

So what's not to like about being Jewish, man?

Well, I don't know how it happened.

One night I go to sleep with a sexy Catholic girl

and the next morning I wake up with my arms around Golda Meir.

[Otis] Maybe she's hanging around with the wrong class of people.

[Bernie] I don't know. It's driving me crazy.

She's starting to argue with me about Jewish history.

Me.

And she ends up being right.

- [Otis] You know what you got? - [Bernie] Yeah, well,

whatever it is, I think my mother once warned me about it.

[Otis] You've got a real jive turkey on your hands.

- [Bernie] A what? - [Otis] A jive turkey.

He's white, see, but he comes into a Black neighborhood

full of love and understanding.

Then he tells Black folks things about themselves

which they never knew or are gonna know in maybe a million years.

A lot of us resent him.

[Bernie] Then why does he do it?

[Otis] He just wants to belong, you dig?

Yeah, I think so. You're saying that Bridget,

my sexy Catholic wife, has become a Jewish turkey?

- [Bridget] Hi, Dad. - [Walter] Oh, Bridget, I'm sorry

to barge in like this,

but, uh, your mother insisted.

She called to see if you were coming to dinner

but there was no answer and she became, uh...

Why is it so dark?

- Well-- - I was on my way home from the office

and we were worried about you.

Are you cold or something?

No, I'm not cold.

She said that you were going to check with Bernie

about coming to dinner and that you'd get back to her.

Uh, is Bernie here?

No. Bernie's working tonight.

Oh, uh, and, uh, you were napping?

- No, she's studying. - Oh, hello, Moe, uh...

Studying? In the dark?

Well, it's a sin to put the lights on when it's Shabbat.

Oh, oh. Of course.

- Shabbat. - That's the Sabbath, Daddy.

What Sabbath?

She wants to learn, so we're pretending like it's Shabbat.

That's the reason I couldn't answer the phone.

You see, it's a sin to answer the phone

and it's a sin to turn on the lights.

I'm getting ready for my lesson.

Lesson? You? Well, what are you--

[Bridget] Daddy,

I'd like you to meet my friend and teacher.

I was trying to be a good father.

How was I to know that I was creating a trauma,

turning her against me for the rest of her life?

Here. Here, dear. Here, take this.

This won't solve anything.

I'll have another.

Well, dear, what upset you?

I'll tell you.

Well, I'm listening, dear.

No. No, I can't tell you.

- Walt... - No, not until you promise

that you'll be calm!

I can't have an emotional, hysterical woman around the house!

- That will get matters-- - Walt, for heaven's sake!

Amy, Amy, come here and sit down!

Amy...

My daughter, our daughter,

is becoming a Jew.

Oh, that's silly.

- Silly? What's silly about that? - Well, for one thing,

she doesn't look Jewish.

I tell you, she's converting. She was with one of those men.

You know, with the long hair and the beard.

Oh, you mean a hippie?

It was a rabbi.

Oh, my.

Sixteen years at St. Mary's School for Girls,

right out the stained-glass window.

Out the window.

Sweetheart, what do you mean there's no breakfast?

Now I'm gonna be late.

Well, Bernie, you must've forgotten. It's Tisha B'Av.

Tisha B'Av? Uh...

Well, we have to fast.

It's like Lent.

- Oh. - Only it's more.

Tisha B'Av commemorates the destruction

of the Temple at Jerusalem.

Oh, right. Uh, when Samson with the pillars...

No. The... the Babylonians.

Babylonians?

Right on the tip of my tongue.

And that was just the first time.

The second time the Romans destroyed it.

Been thinking about it all morning.

Bernie, don't joke about it.

This is the blackest day on the entire Jewish calendar.

We're not supposed to eat, or laugh.

We shouldn't even be talking to each other.

Shouldn't talk?

- Okay. - Well, where are you going?

Well, you see, the thing is, Otis, he doesn't know about the holiday.

All he knows is I'm supposed to take over his driving shift.

Which I'm about to do.

Bernie, that is the worst possible thing you can do on a day like this.

Yeah, well, that's Tisha B'Av.

Mom, Dad. Now, hold it just a minute!

Now look, I admit Bridget has done some wild things.

Now she may be a little headstrong and unpredictable,

but for her to convert to Judaism is something that I regard as, uh...

entirely plausible.

But Mike, you have to do something.

You have to... to talk her out of it or...

Well, isn't... isn't there, uh, an edict or something that you could use?

In the old days, the Church would have known exactly how to deal with this.

Oh, it was easier in the old days, Dad.

First, she would've been burned at the stake.

Then we'd talk about it.

It is Bernie and his whole clan.

Those people can be very persuasive.

That's why so many of them become lawyers.

Look, I'll tell you what.

I'll see what I can do.

Now, in the meantime, why don't the two of you go home

and, uh, try to relax.

- Come along, Amy. - All right.

And, oh, Walt, on the way, I want to stop by church

and light a candle and... and say a prayer.

Yes.

Pray that Bridget will come to her senses.

Oh, I will. I will.

And... I'm gonna say another prayer, too.

I'm gonna pray that none of this gets back to any of our friends.

- Mike? - Oh.

You, uh, you busy?

No, come on in, Bernie.

Listen, uh, I gotta talk to you.

Bridget is now insisting that I go to synagogue every Saturday.

Oh!

Hold on, Bernie. Come on, sit down.

I haven't been to synagogue regularly since my bar mitzvah.

I see.

Now, listen, I wanna know something.

When you asked Bridget to convert...

Asked... What are you talking about?

- Then you didn't convince her? - Convince her?

Who can talk to her?

It's like she had one of my mother's visions.

Suddenly our entire home

has been turned into a Jewish folk festival.

I can't even mention ham in the same breath with eggs.

I think I see your problem.

You don't know the half of it.

Look, she's doing it because she loves me.

Now, how do I go about convincing her to love me

a little less ethnically?

Bernie...

I'm sorry. I don't speak Latin.

I know it.

It simply means, "Have I got a plan for you."

And believe it or not, that's how I met your mother.

So here's to my good taste and her good luck.

L'chaim.

That's Jewish for "long life."

Go in peace.

Latin.

Bless us, O Lord, and these thy gifts

which we are about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

Hm. Clams. Love 'em.

Bernie, since when do you eat shellfish?

Today is Friday, isn't it?

Oh, uh...

Some rye bread, Bernie?

Uh, no, thanks. I, uh, prefer the white.

How's the writing coming, Bernie?

Oh, Bernie says he thinks he may have sold a story this week.

Bernie, what in the world was that?

- What was what? - What you just said.

Wasn't that the prayer to St. Jude?

Mmm. The, uh, patron saint of the impossible.

St. Jude? Bernie, what's wrong with you?

I don't see anything wrong with a prayer to St. Jude.

Do you, Amy?

Oh, no. No, of course not, Walt.

Well, enjoy your clams, Son.

Bernie, how could you?

How could I what?

You know perfectly well what.

Your... your behavior at dinner tonight.

I thought I was Charlie Charm.

And what about that blarney of St. Jude and St. Francis of Assisi?

I thought your father was very impressed.

Well, the Latin wasn't too bad,

but telling him that your favorite football team is Notre Dame?

Hey, now that happens to be true.

I don't care if it's true. It's phony.

Sweetheart, I'll be honest. I was doing it to please you.

Well, for goodness sakes, be yourself.

I mean, that's who I married.

Besides, I thought it might be kind of nice for your folks.

Bernie, you don't have to change your character

and your personality just to please other people.

I mean, we're Bridget and Bernie.

We should be accepted for what we are.

Not because of our religious beliefs.

That's what makes a good marriage.

Uh-huh?

And, um,

would you happen to have a brocha for a good marriage?

I thought you wanted me to be more Jewish.

Sweetheart,

look, if I want more Jewish, I'll visit my parents.

Well, don't you want me to know the Jewish customs and traditions?

Sure.

But do you have to make such a crash program out of it?

Well, at least I thought you'd enjoy an occasional meal

like your mother used to make.

Babe, I've got news for you. My mother...

is not the world's greatest cook.

- You're putting me on. - No.

And I got another tip for you.

I'm not too crazy about Jewish cooking, even when it's good.

I've got a tip for you. I'm not either.

Do you still love me in spite of what I did?

Oh, I love you...

because of what you did.

Michael, I gotta hand it to you,

for a priest, you really know a lot about strategy.

You... you ever think of running for Pope?

Bernie, with two crazy families to look after, who has time?

Listen, um,

don't let on to Bridget that I came here for help, okay?

My lips are sealed.

Hey, how is she?

Well, thanks to you, I've got my wife back.

Hey, take care.

- [Mike] Bernie? - Mmm-hmm.

Now what would you have done if the plan hadn't worked?

No, no, no.

That isn't how you cross yourself.

Cross? What cross? That was the Star of David.

Amen.