Original subtitles

[Walter] Well, my sister's got to stop playing the grieving widow sometime.

Maybe Mike can talk some sense into her.

Sorry, folks.

Hate to admit that I have failed on a mission,

but Aunt Theresa is gonna stay in her room for the rest of the evening.

Oh, the poor dear.

The shock of losing her husband so suddenly.

It was suddenly three years ago.

Amy, if you keep reminding my sister, we're going to have some two-week visit.

But, Walt, tonight I was being so careful.

[Mike] We know that, Mother.

But the next time Dad doesn't make it to the table on time,

try not to refer to him as your "late husband."

And don't use phrases like "I'm tickled to death,"

or "You'll die when you hear this."

- I said some of those things? - You said all of those things.

Look, normally it isn't wrong, but in Aunt Theresa's case--

Oh, forgive me, dears.

I guess I'm just being overly sensitive.

Please.

Oh, we understand, Theresa, dear.

Now, please sit down.

I promise you that for the rest of the evening,

I'll be quiet as a tomb.

Well, that ought to lock her away for the rest of her stay.

Walt, I'm sorry,

but, well, she looks so glum.

And then every time I think about why she's glum,

well, next thing you know, something deadly comes out.

Oh, my goodness.

Hey, it's nobody's fault, Mother.

It's just that when somebody is, uh, lonely,

it's very hard to get them out of their shell.

Dad, uh, last year when Aunt Theresa came to visit us,

weren't you gonna try to fix her up with one of your friends? Dr. Cooper?

- Well, I was thinking about it. - What happened?

While I was thinking about it, he died.

Oh, Walt, that was such a lovely funeral.

- Dad... - Hmm.

...this is another visit.

Now, why don't we try again? Now, you've got plenty of friends.

How about some of those club members of yours?

Oh, I've tried that. She wasn't interested in any of them.

Well, no wonder.

They're all either too old or too stuffy

or too married.

Besides, none of them has a sense of humor.

Amy, you know, we are members of that club.

See?

Well, I think it's a shame that somebody with as much to offer as Aunt Theresa

can't find herself a nice older man who interests her.

Well, if she doesn't go out more,

she's not even gonna find a man that doesn't interest her.

You know, a name just popped into my head.

I think he might be just the perfect medicine for her.

Medici... Another doctor?

No, no. Let me think about him for a minute to see if he's right.

Well, I'm not as fussy as my sister,

so whoever you come up with will be okay with me.

As long as he's sophisticated and rich and a member of this parish.

Moe?

Uncle Moe?

My Uncle Moe?

Of course your Uncle Moe. Why not?

Because it's out of the question, that's why.

All right, give me one good reason.

My folks.

- [Mike] Give me another reason. - Our folks.

You know, they really haven't gotten over the fact that I married out of the faith.

Who's talking about marriage?

Why don't we start out with a little fun and some companionship?

You, uh, you really couldn't find anyone in your own neck of the woods, huh?

Bernie, there is no one right for Aunt Theresa

in my neck of the woods.

How about your parish?

Well, the men her age are either out of circulation,

or their circulation is out of circulation.

Okay, supposing Uncle Moe is the guy to cheer up, uh, Aunt Theresa.

Well, I have a collar that tends to intimidate people,

and so I don't think that I should be the one to talk to Moe.

Well, are you afraid that he'll feel obligated to go out with her?

No, I'm afraid he'd turn me down.

That's why I think the suggestion should come from a Steinberg.

Uh-huh. I see. You, uh... you want me to ask him.

No, no, no, no. I was thinking in terms of, uh, Bridget.

Now, that's an intimidation no one would turn down.

And for two of my youngest customers,

extra pickles.

If we're the young customers, I'd hate to see the old ones.

Shirley, may I be crushed by a crate of pigs' knuckles if I'm lying.

You don't look a day over 30.

Thirty-two at the most.

Moe, you mean it?

[Moe] Of course I mean it.

I'd even believe it if I didn't know you for 40 years.

[Shirley] Oh, Moe.

I, uh, see all the baloney isn't hanging in the window, is it, Uncle Moe?

To some people, baloney. By others...

the master at work.

So, what's new with you kids?

Oh, not a whole lot.

Um, my Aunt Theresa's in town visiting from Chicago.

Good.

Of course, she hasn't got a lot of friends here, just the family.

- Not good. Hmm. - Yeah, she's a widow.

As a matter of fact,

she's only a couple of years younger than you are, Uncle Moe.

- Wonderful age. - Oh, yeah.

Sounds like a wonderful person.

Oh, she is.

She's charming and witty and fun to be with.

And, no, I would not like to go out with her.

[Bridget] Uncle Moe, we've already got two tickets

for the concert at Lincoln Center tonight.

Bridget, imagine me taking out a devoted Catholic lady.

What would it do to my image?

Moe, we'll make it the best-kept secret on Houston Street.

Just meet her.

Bridget, pussycat,

I'm sure your Aunt Theresa is a lovely person.

It's just that I don't wanna get involved.

Hey, that's perfect. She doesn't wanna get involved either.

Look, it's... it's really a favor.

You see, what Aunt Theresa needs

is someone to help her get her mind off her troubles.

Someone like you, who's warm and--

- And witty. - intelligent.

- Cute. - Tall.

You're wasting your time with the flattery.

With me, it doesn't work.

But for you, pussycat, I'll do it anyway.

- Oh! - Who could resist such a face?

Oh, I don't know. I think I could.

Oh...

You won't be sorry, Uncle Moe. Mwah.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, she's very attractive.

How attractive?

Well, she owns a couple of apartment houses, a country home--

That's okay. I'll go out with her anyway.

I don't know why I let you bully me this way, Walt.

Imagine me, at my age, going to a concert on a blind date?

Well, it's already done what we couldn't do,

get you out of your room.

And into a better frame of mind.

I must say, you've been doing an awful lot of humming and singing lately.

I have done no such thing.

♪ There's a cozy... ♪

- How do you like my new outfit? - Beautiful.

It is, isn't it?

Hmm. You know, Wayne would've loved my hair this way.

Theresa, can't you forget about Wayne for just one day?

Wayne who?

Her husband.

Well, don't get mad at me, Walt. She always called him Doodle.

He's here.

And I don't even know anything about him.

Now, don't worry. Mike got my instructions.

He is well educated, he's dignified,

he's suave, he's...

Uncle Moe?

You were expecting maybe Burt Reynolds?

Why are you sitting there like that?

Because I'm not lying in my comfortable bed,

where I was when you said, "Get up. I wanna talk to you."

I mean, how can you sit there so calmly when we've got a crisis on our hands?

Your brother is out having a wonderful time with a nice lady.

Some crisis.

When was the last time that he came home past 1:30 a.m.?

Sophie, how do I know? Am I your brother's keeper?

So tell me, what are they doing out so late?

They're probably talking.

Aha!

What does Moe have to say to a Catholic lady for five hours?

If they're not talking, what are they doing?

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Maybe he's wrecked his car.

He doesn't own a car.

Oh, thank heavens.

Maybe he took the deli truck.

- I take back the "thank goodness." - Maybe something else happened.

- Where are you going? - What we need is some advice.

Who are you calling this time of night?

Bernie. Why shouldn't our only son suffer with us?

- Hello? - Oh, Bernie. I'm glad it's you.

What is it, Ma?

Now, don't get alarmed at what I'm going to say.

I want you should sit down in a chair.

- How about if I just lie down in bed? - Better. Now, listen.

Uncle Moe has smashed up the delivery truck

and may be lying dead at this very moment.

Oh, no.

Ma, when, when... When did this happen?

I don't know.

Well, where did it happen?

I don't know that either.

I don't understand. I mean, how do you know about it, then?

I don't, but I'm expecting to hear any minute now.

Why else would he be out so late?

He's all right.

Ma, you woke me up to tell me that?

- What is it that you want? - Some advice.

I got some advice. Go to sleep. Forget about it.

Now, Bernie, we need you down here right away.

Ma, what for?

To help us worry.

- Now, look, I don't want any arguments. - [Walter] Well, you're gonna get one.

What's the big idea of your brother keeping my sister out all night long?

It's Mr. Fitzgerald.

[Sam] Let me handle this.

Look, Mr. Walter Fitzgerald,

I got only one thing to say to you.

My brother-in-law never stayed out this late when he wasn't with outsiders.

Hey, look at the thing sensibly.

I mean, they could've gone to an all-night movie and...

Have some fruit. Uh, no, thanks, Ma.

- You know, maybe a late supper. - A glass milk, I think.

Ma.

Got it.

They're taking a romantic walk in the park.

That's it. Why didn't I think of it?

You know, it's nice to know that the younger generation is so smart.

They're just taking a walk in Central Park.

It's a lovely night for a walk.

At two o'clock in the morning they're walking in the park?

A walk in the park?

That's why they're not home. They've been mugged.

- Ma, it's all right. - They're lying helplessly.

Take it easy.

Maybe they're not hurt that bad.

I have such a sister. Mwah.

Sam, you're a lucky man.

And don't worry, Bernie.

One day you're gonna sell something you wrote.

And what's more, they're gonna make it into a musical.

Mr. Plotnick, if you got a minute...

Take a number, please.

Moe, it's me, Shirley.

And I'm here with Esther.

So take two numbers.

But, Moe...

Well! Come on, Esther. We'll go to Goldblatt's.

[Esther] But they don't give extra pickles.

So, Mr. Heartthrob of Houston Street,

I don't mind losing a night's sleep,

but when I start losing customers,

that can affect my health.

So, what've you got to say for yourself?

Sam, if you could only know what happened

to your brother-in-law last night.

- What happened? - Don't ask.

It was that good?

After 1 a.m. it was terrific.

What happened after 1 a.m.?

We stopped talking about the deceased husband

and started talking about me.

Well, when you're through talking, start slicing,

while we still got some customers.

What a woman, Sam.

Such charm, such warmth.

And those dancing eyes and that beautiful face.

With a woman like that, what else could a man want?

I'll tell you what else, Mr. Lovesick.

A new tie.

He's cute, he's fun.

Says the darndest things.

He's a regular doll, Walt.

We're seeing each other every night this week.

Who knows what all this could lead to?

Please, not another Steinberg in the family.

Oh, there won't be, Walt. His name is Plotnick.

Come to think of it, that has rather a nice sound.

Christina Theresa Maria Plotnick.

But I suppose you're tired of hearing me talk about nothing but Moe.

Right.

Well, maybe it would be a good idea to change the subject, Theresa.

Where is he taking you for dinner tonight?

I haven't any idea.

That man is full of surprises.

And he knows all about food.

He takes me to the most unusual places.

- Why, last night... - What have I done?

[Bernie chuckles] You believe it?

They've been out every night this week.

- [Bridget] Your Uncle Moe... - [Bernie] The lady-killer.

...finally getting flattened by a lady.

[Bernie] Too much.

You know, for a bingo player,

your brother Michael's not a bad matchmaker.

Well, if you ask me, every family could use two.

- Two what? - Mixed marriages.

Oh.

[Bridget] Is it too romantic to hope that they're serious about each other?

[Bernie] Hey, you know something?

Maybe a little nudge from us might help things along.

[Bridget] Oh.

Like what?

[Bernie] Well, you know, a few friendly suggestions.

A couple of rides on the Staten Island Ferry.

Once around the park in a handsome cab.

What do you think?

[Bridget] You don't think that just seeing us together will do the trick?

[Bernie] Hmm.

[Moe] Well, my second favorite couple.

Modesty forbids my mentioning the first.

What a day.

Have you ever been on the Staten Island Ferry, Uncle Moe?

Three times in my life.

Two of them in the last two days.

Isn't it a wonderful thing to enjoy something

with someone that you enjoy?

Is it?

Why do you think I'm working my fingers to the bone and beyond

to get the store closed so I can be on time

for a date with a certain lady?

Some day your folks picked for the Fromkin bar mitzvah.

Yeah, I know. That Larry Fromkin,

he's got a lot of nerve coming to manhood on your time.

Hey, I've got an idea.

Why don't we do something in the cause of romance?

- We'll close up. - Why not?

You've got as much right to your manhood as Larry Fromkin does to his.

Who gets it?

So who else? Bernie the matchmaker.

Here, hold this for me, will you?

Hey, you're gonna have to get ready for your driving shift.

Here, I'll take over.

What, are you kidding?

What do we do if some customers actually come in here?

Remember the last time you took over?

What is that supposed to mean?

Oh, nothing, nothing. Um...

You did a terrific job.

- But? - Disaster.

Um, in spite of the fact that you left me in the lurch,

I did make $14.23 in tips.

Mm-hmm. Not to mention the $20 it took to repair the damage, remember?

You know, it wasn't exactly my fault. You left--

Shh. Don't fight in front of Moe.

Well, he's gone.

We came in here for one purpose, and what did we show him?

Nothing...

but that mixed marriages are as normal as any other kind.

Hmm?

It doesn't look like we have any problem anyway. Look.

I don't know how much longer I can take this Theresa business.

You heard what the kids said.

We may have to take it for a lifetime.

Are you serious?

Of course I'm serious.

That's what all this is leading up to.

Another mixed marriage.

Well, try to look on the bright side, Walt.

I mean, Theresa could be marrying a Protestant.

And just when we got used to a Jewish in-law.

She's not marrying anybody.

I love Moe, but in somebody else's family.

What are you gonna do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna make a phone call and settle this thing right now.

How do you like that?

The line is busy.

Come on, Amy. We're going over there.

Look, Walt, I'm a reasonable man, but I gotta tell you, it's wrong

of your sister to be running after a helpless 65-year-old man.

He's 72 if he's a day.

I think that it's shameful of Moe

to be chasing after a 55-year-old innocent.

You should've sent Miss Innocent back to Chicago, where she belongs.

Oh, he's right, Walt.

That would've been a lot easier than having to break up a wedding.

Hey, we can hear you all the way upstairs.

What's tonight's argument about?

Who's arguing? We're agreeing.

We got an overage Romeo and Juliet here we're gonna break up.

Right. That's the first thing you've said that makes sense.

Wrong.

Once again, nobody's making any sense.

If you remember, we went through the same number when we got married.

Yeah, and in case you haven't noticed, it hasn't turned out too badly.

The experts. They've been married three months.

Well, excuse me, Dad, but, um, do you think it's right

for all of you to be meddling in Uncle Moe's life?

Of course we should be meddling. What do you think families are for?

Kids, these are not any two doe-eyed lovers.

Just look at the fool my sister's been acting like.

Oh, I'll agree with that.

Oh, Theresa used to stay in her room all the time.

Now she's out every night, going places, buying clothes.

She's not herself anymore.

As for Moe, he's acting like a kid 20 years younger.

It's ridiculous, a man his age.

You're right.

No responsible man with work to do should be having that much fun.

That much fun?

Yeah.

I've never seen two grown-ups have so much fun together.

Oh, you're all missing the point.

They're worlds apart.

These two people are not good for each other.

Walt's right.

I mean, just because they're a perfect match

doesn't mean they're good for each other.

Does that make sense?

No more sense than I'm gonna make.

These two people have my blessing.

And mine.

[Moe] And mine too.

Moe. How much did you hear?

Only the part about the overaged Romeo,

the doe-eyed young lovers,

and me acting like a kid 20 years younger.

But other than that, nothing.

Moe, we won't stand in your way if you wanna propose to Theresa.

- You have our permission. - Well, that's terrific.

Because tonight I already proposed.

Well, congratulations!

Congratulations.

Because she turned me down.

Sorry, the place is closed.

Why all the sad faces?

Well, Uncle Moe, we figured that two trips on the Staten Island Ferry

aren't worth what we put you through.

Well, we try to do something nice for you, and look what happens.

So look what happened.

A lovely lady is smiling again,

confident she's a woman,

going back to Chicago ready to receive the fruits of life.

Look, Uncle Moe, I am used to removing other people's guilt.

Now, maybe you can help me with mine.

Now, I just feel terrible.

I feel that I'm responsible for getting you into all of this.

Wait a minute.

Now, wait just one minute.

You know, for a guy who's supposed to be on the brink of despair,

he seems to be hiding his pain pretty well.

Uh, as a matter of fact, very well.

Yeah.

Let me explain something to you kids.

I have proposed to hundreds of women in my lifetime,

and I have been turned down every single time.

- What, I-- - And my secret is

I know exactly when to propose so I'll be rejected.

You must be putting us on.

How else do you suppose I could've lived this long

and still been a bachelor?

The way I figure is,

why should I get married and make one woman miserable

when I can stay single and make a thousand women happy?

♪ And tonight ♪

♪ At the temple dance ♪

♪ It's the widow Shapiro's turn ♪

♪ Cha, cha, cha, cha ♪