Original subtitles

♪ Love is crazy ♪

♪ It's unwise ♪

♪ It can take you ♪

♪ By surprise ♪

♪ At any moment there you are ♪

♪ And win or lose the game ♪

♪ You're never gonna be the same ♪

♪ It sort of makes us wonder ♪

♪ Where did it begin? ♪

♪ How did we get in so deep? ♪

♪ I'm sure it's gonna keep us hoppin ' ♪

♪ And it's bound to keep us young ♪

♪ It may be crazy ♪

♪ But so sweet ♪

♪ We're in a lot of trouble ♪

♪ Where was my defense? ♪

♪ And where have all my senses gone? ♪

♪ Oh, well, it's sure to keep us hoppin ' ♪

♪ And it's bound to keep us young ♪

♪ To have this crazy Crazy love to lead us on ♪

You know, this is crazy.

I don't even know your full name.

Bernie.

Steinberg.

What's yours?

Bridget.

Bridget Theresa Mary Colleen Fitzgerald.

I, um...

Think we have a problem.

- Hey. - What, honey?

Well, I just wondered, um...

What?

Well, how Catholic are you?

I think you should meet my brother.

I take it that the two of you

are not just being carried away by, uh, physical attraction.

How can you be so sure?

Well, because it's 1972 and you want to get married.

I always was a nonconformist.

But you're right, it's more. It's a lot more.

Well, um, if you two are determined to go through with this,

I guess there's only one thing to do.

Excommunication?

Breakfast. Come on, let's eat.

That's it?

You mean, uh, no argument about the problems

of different religious and ethnic backgrounds,

how you're gonna raise the children or, uh,

the birth control issue?

I mean, what kind of priest is this?

Well, understanding, I hope.

That's not good enough.

I mean, you're giving Bernie a very bad first impression.

Boy, give me the old Pat O'Brien type of priest any day.

At least you knew where you stood with them.

[Mike] All right.

I was saving my two big arguments

until after we had our scrambled eggs, but you've pushed me.

Right.

Maybe I'd better hear those arguments right now.

Our mother and father.

They'll object?

Is the Pope Catholic?

Sounds like you had quite a nightmare.

- Yeah. - How do you think your mother's

gonna react to the news?

Before or after she puts her head in the oven?

She's that much against mixed marriages?

Otis, that's my mother's reaction to mixed dating.

Mixed marriages are beyond her comprehension.

Listen, you come on by tonight after you finish.

- You can meet Bridget. - All right.

Or what's left of her.

What kind of a name is Fitzgerald?

Um, Irish.

Oh, not Jewish?

Sophie, she told you,

her full name is Bridget Theresa Colleen Mary Fitzgerald.

So, she could've changed it.

- You don't like gefilte fish? - Oh, I loved it, yes.

Oh, I made it especially. I know your people eat a lot of fish.

[Moe] Try it with horseradish.

Uncle Moe, uh, that's something you've got to build up a tolerance for.

That's okay, honey. I like horseradish.

Oh! Oh!

Bernie likes it hot.

Uncle Moe, have you always been in the catering business

- with your brother-in-law? - No, my darling.

I'm just waiting for a suitable business opportunity

to present itself.

This is just a passing phase.

Twenty-three years he's been waiting. Some phase.

[Moe] So you're Catholic?

Mm-hmm.

Full-blooded?

Uncle Moe.

I beg your pardon?

Both sides of the family?

Oh. Yes.

We're Jewish.

I know.

I just wanted to make sure.

- [Sophie] Oh, Moe! - [Moe] No, no, wait.

So... so the other fella says to the salesman...

Oh, I'm sorry. How would you say it in English, Sam?

It don't translate too funny.

I don't believe this. I've lived with you people all my life.

Now why all of a sudden is everyone being so Jewish?

You see, already it starts.

Have a midget Danish.

Thanks, but I don't think I can.

They have raisins and prunes.

I'm sure they're delicious,

but the rest of the meal was so good, I'm afraid I stuffed myself.

I got them special for you.

Ma, she doesn't want the midget Danish.

Am I forcing anybody?

I got them at a special bakery clear across town.

But I didn't mind the three hours on the bus

because I figure for my son's friend, nothing is too good.

Well, in that case...

Bridget, you don't have to eat the midget Danish.

It's all right, Bernie.

Mmm, it's delicious.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

She always leaves the room like an Olympic sprinter?

Look, will you stop?

Gentile, a Catholic and a frail stomach?

That combination can wreck any marriage.

The kid better check that out. Could cost him a fortune in Blue Cross.

She doesn't like my cooking.

Terrific. You made her sick.

Oh.

Sophie, would you stop with the tears?

So your cooking made her sick. Don't take it so personal.

It's not only that. I had one of my visions.

Visions.

Other women have hot flashes. I have to live with visions.

It was Seder, and Bernie and his... friend

came over with their five children,

and three of them were nuns.

That's it.

Look, I didn't think I had to explain why I wanted to marry Bridget.

I thought all you had to do was meet her and you'd see why.

Well, I'm telling you, just don't force me into a choice

between you and that wonderful girl throwing up in the bathroom.

Why couldn't that wonderful girl throwing up in the bathroom be Jewish?

Hey, Bernie, standing up for you would be a groove,

but I've been thinkin'.

With a Jewish cat, an Irish Catholic chick

and a Black dude as best man,

who are you gonna get to marry you, Sammy Davis, Jr.?

I love it, honey, this'll be perfect for us.

Hey, listen, pet.

After tonight, you sure you won't mind living above my parents?

I understand how your parents feel,

but, after all, people who live in glass houses...

What does that mean?

It means, wait until you meet my family.

Oh, hello, dear.

The reason I called was, well, I've met this boy.

Well, I'd like to meet him. Why don't you bring him by on Saturday?

Okay, Mom.

I think you ought to know that he's...

very special.

Coward.

[Amy] Yeah. Sounds serious.

Well, he's a little different.

Different?

Oh, dear, he's not a Democrat, is he?

[Bernie] Hey, I really appreciate your taking over my driving shift today, Otis.

[Otis] What are best men for?

[Bridget] This is it, Bernie. Right here.

Bridget, you live here?

[Otis] You know what it costs to rent an apartment

in one of these places?

Well, actually, they don't rent. They own the whole building.

Own? These townhouses must go for 2 or 300 grand.

You're rich. You're stinking rich.

Well, you make it sound like a disease.

Besides, I'm not rich. My father is.

How'd he manage that?

He robbed the poor.

Well, marrying my mother didn't hurt any.

She was born rich.

Old Spiro got off another good one yesterday.

I wonder what Bridget meant when she said he was a little different.

Darn right he's different. He makes sense.

I meant her young man.

Well, we'll soon find out.

Oh, no. No, it can't be.

What? What is it, dear?

- He's colored. - Oh, dear.

How colored?

Very.

- Walt. - Mm-hmm?

Is he tall?

Hi, Daddy.

You're... you're Caucasian.

You disappointed?

But through the window, I could've sworn...

Oh, uh, that's my best friend.

Well, you should've invited him in.

- He's the other driver on the cab. - His name's Otis and he's a rock musician.

Well, you should've invited him in anyway.

Daddy, I want you to meet Bernie Steinberg.

- How do you do, sir? - Steinberg?

Yeah, but, uh, please call me Bernie.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I think I'd better go and partially relieve your mother's mind.

I think he likes you.

Ah. I could tell.

Amy. Amy, you can come out of the bathroom now.

Look, dear, it's not as bad as you think.

He's not Black.

Well, what color is he?

I think he's Jewish.

Oh. Thank you, God.

Amy, I don't think the situation exactly calls for the lighting of candles.

Why, is he short?

What has that got to do with anything?

The important thing is for us not to overreact.

So just put the fact that he's Jewish out of your mind

unless the subject comes up.

All right, dear. All right. I'll try.

[Amy] Well, the world can certainly use good caterers.

You know, I was at a fundraising affair the other day

- for the March On Hunger program... - [Bernie] Mm-hmm.

...and the pâté de foie gras was an absolute disgrace.

Oh, dear, I do hope your parents didn't cater it.

Uh, no. My family usually handles smaller functions,

like, uh, Sweet 16 parties.

How charming.

Bar mitzvahs.

Now, Bernie, do you take one or two lumps in your Jew?

Bernie, I, uh, want to apologize for Amy's little slip earlier.

- Oh. - I mean, I want you to know

that, uh, we have nothing against you because you're Jewish.

That's, uh...

That's nice to know.

Oh, yes. We'd feel the same way about you if you were a Protestant.

Well, come on, dig in, everybody.

Amy, I haven't said grace.

I think we can skip that for today, dear.

Oh, yes, of course.

Listen, uh, don't do anything special on my account.

Mmm. Now, Bernie, we want you to feel at home here.

I mean, after all, this is 1972.

Mother, exactly what is that supposed to mean?

Well, I know it sounds like a cliche, but it's true.

You know, some of my best friends are Jewish.

Name five.

Who was that lovely lady that we had to lunch here in connection with the UN?

Oh, Golda Meir.

[Amy] Right.

Charming. Absolutely charming.

- Perhaps you know each other. - Yeah, well...

I've heard of her, but we've never actually dated.

So you're a cab driver.

That's only temporary, Daddy. Bernie has ambitions in the theater.

Oh, yes? To be what?

A female impersonator.

He's only joking, Daddy.

Oh, well, we know that, Bridget. I've never heard of a Jewish homosexual.

You should meet my cousin Herbie.

Well, she means that they're good family men.

Not Herbie.

Mom, why is Bernie getting different food from the rest of us?

Oh, really, Bridget. You have as much tact as your father.

I'm sorry, Bernie, but you see, I plan the menus by the week

and I had no idea you'd be joining us.

So we get ham and he gets salami?

I, uh, think I better get some air.

[Bridget] Are you gonna be sick?

Well, now, why would he do a thing like that?

Because I was sick at his house.

What is that, some new quaint custom I haven't heard about?

I find this note unacceptable.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ran out on you, Bridget.

Let's face it, it's just not gonna work.

They're not as insensitive as they seem, you know.

Sweetheart, it's not your family.

In a way, they remind me of mine.

Look, our families love us. Naturally, they care what happens to us.

If I were your family, I'd... I'd probably feel exactly the same way.

Look, I saw the way you lived.

The way you were raised.

It just wouldn't be fair.

Well, I'm not gonna argue with you.

- You're not? - No. I'm gonna marry you.

Because that's the only thing I want in this whole world.

- Bridget-- - Bernie, if we wait,

our parents are gonna chip away at us

and put us and them through a lot of unnecessary torture.

What is that, your argument for getting married?

No. This is.

Convinced?

Uh, not quite.

But I think you're on the right track.

But she always phones if she's not coming home to dinner.

Mom, I'm sure that she's all right. So stop worrying.

Oh, it's all my fault.

I served ham and drove her out of the house.

Are we having a party or something?

Well, only the garden club luncheon tomorrow. Why?

Well, there's a catering van outside the front door.

Wait here a moment.

There goes your theory about her marrying Bernie

so she could inherit the store.

Hello. Well, you must be the Steinbergs.

There's been a death?

No. I am Michael Fitzgerald. Bridget's my sister.

I didn't think you fellows were allowed to have sisters.

Hey, come on in and meet the family.

Dad?

It's all right to leave the van out front?

Oh, absolutely.

- Mom, this is, uh-- - Yes, I know, dear. I know.

Now, look, I know that this is 1972,

but you people are just going to have to learn

to use the back entrance.

This is Bernie's mother and father, Mr. and Mrs. Steinberg, and Uncle Moe.

Oh, dear. Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, I thought you were the caterers.

We were worried because Bernie's missing.

Bernie's missing too?

Well, that's why we're here.

I had a vision. He was in a terrible accident.

Maimed from the waist down.

Oh, I think I'd better ring for some tea.

We thought you might have a clue, maybe, to his disappearance.

Oh, no, I'm afraid I don't.

Oh, dear, I do hope they haven't done anything rash.

Don't you worry about my son. He's a saint.

Oh, no offense.

Hey, do you realize

if those kids have gone out and got themselves hitched,

we could all be related.

What do you think of that?

The mind boggles.

Oh, what I mean is, they haven't had time to find a priest yet.

Or a rabbi.

Oh, I'm sure Walt's right.

Why, Bridget hasn't even picked out her silverware pattern yet.

Next time, sweetheart, you're gonna walk.

[Bridget] Welcome home.

Yeah.

Well, it ain't exactly the bridal suite at the Plaza.

No, but could you send out for Chinese food at the Plaza?

Chi...

Why Chinese food?

It's nondenominational.

You wanna order now?

No.

Later.

[Amy] I don't understand, Michael.

Why do we have to come all the way down here to the Steinbergs'?

[Mike] I telephoned Bernie's place and I kept getting a busy signal.

I guess they must be home by now.

[Walter] Well, maybe he has some idea where Bridget is.

[Sam] I guess he went out again.

- What do you think we should do? - We wait.

I just wish I knew where she was.

Now, don't you worry.

Your daughter seemed like a very sensible girl.

- She knows what she's doing. - [Sophie] He's right.

Your Bridget may have a frail stomach,

but she definitely has a head on her shoulders.

- [Amy] Well, we liked your boy too. - [Sophie] Ah.

[Amy] What we saw of him before he saw the ham.

Well, I... I guess you both feel the way we do about them getting married.

Yes. The differences between them are insurmountable.

[Sam] Whatever. But we agree.

[Walter] But I think we should nip the romance in the bud.

Dad, I think it may have gone a little too far for that.

- What? - I think the romance has already flowered.

[Walter] Hmm.

All right, Michael, marry them.

- Marry them? - What do you mean, marry them?

Well, you're a priest, aren't you?

Oh, Dad. Okay, come on. Everybody out.

Give them a break, for crying out loud.

Look, I cannot marry them without their consent.

No, they need time to respond to each other.

I think they responded already.

You go back in there and wake them up, and you marry them.

Dad, it's not that simple. Now, bands have got to be posted.

Forget about the bands! I'll talk to the cardinal!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why a priest? Why not a rabbi?

Look, this is no time to quibble.

The main thing is to get the job done. And I've got a priest right here.

Moe, run down to the corner and get Rabbi Golden.

I don't think he makes house calls.

Tell him it's an emergency.

Uncle Moe, uh, I don't think there'll be any need for that.

Bernie's right. We're already married.

You went to another caterer?

Dad, it was a small civil ceremony.

A civil ceremony? It's like a bad vision.

Bridget, you got married

and you didn't even invite us to the wedding?

Mother, look at it this way.

How many parents get to attend the honeymoon?

[Walter] I don't believe it, I just do not believe it.

What? What dear? What's the matter?

It's our Mercedes out there. Someone has stolen all our hubcaps.

[Sam] So, what are you lookin' at me for? You think maybe I took it?

[Walter] All I know is, I've got a Mercedes with four naked wheels!

[Walter] What kind of neighborhood is this?

- [Sam] A New York neighborhood. - Our poor parents.

We chose each other, but it's gonna be tough on them.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't worry.

We're gonna be there to help them over the rough spots.

[Moe] Will they stop with the yelling?

I put them here for safekeeping!

It's a nice neighborhood, but it's a German car.

Well, they don't have to see that much of each other.

Yeah, but I think they will.

Our parents have one thing in common. They both like to, uh, get involved.

Well, that's just a cross we'll have to bear.

No offense.