Original subtitles

Do you have a minute, Mayor Mamdani? Of course.

But first, I need to address this nor'easter.

Quick, get out your phone.

I need to send an urgent message about this dangerous storm.

Ready, sir?

Shelter in place, y'all.

You okay? Perfect.

Now, Mr.

Mayor, there's someone here to see you.

What?

What reckless lunatic

would travel to see me in this kind of weather?

That's crazy.

Your best friend.

Wonder who.

Oh, yes, Mr. President.

You're here again? Of course I am.

I missed my day.

Ones are on Monday

because for some reason that no one can figure out.

I really, really like you.

That's. That's very kind.

But wouldn't you rather be in D.C.?

We're in the middle of El Nino.

Oh, El Nino, we don't like big stars.

Especially when they're in Spanish.

Yeah, well, let's just pray that it passes quickly.

Oh, I don't pray at all.

I don't go to church on Christmas nor Easter.

Boom.

Somehow, when I'm with you, I'm just firing on all cylinders.

Maybe it's because we're both from Queens.

I know.

Isn't it funny to think I could have grown up

in one of your apartment buildings in Queens?

Not with that last name.

Mr. president, I'm actually very busy.

And I assume you are, too. Wrong.

I just love hanging out with you.

We're, like one of those unlikely animal friendships.

Like when a tiger gets together with a baby goat.

When I see stuff like that, I want to text it to

you and say, this could be us, but you play it.

Is that timely?

Do people still say that anyway?

How are you?

I'm great. It was a great summer.

I'm still riding high on that Knicks championship.

Yeah.

You know, I check that out.

I went to one game, ruined the vibe and then dipped.

Yeah.

By the way I took your advice on a run for my speech

at the U.N..

Is it the U.N. or UN

U.N. Wait.

So you said we need to work towards

a cease fire and sustain peace.

Oh, I could have sworn

you told me to say I'm going to annihilate you.

Yeah, I don't think that was me.

Maybe I dreamed it.

You're in most of my dreams.

I call you mom dreamy.

Pick me, choose me.

Love me anyway.

It's been a crazy week.

I kicked out the press and,

hung out with the president of China.

She she.

And. Yeah, it went brunet.

It's fall.

Mr. President, I just.

There was this crazy guy stuff, too.

I just had dinner with Sam Altman,

Elon Musk, and Mark Zuckerberg, and they made me think,

wow, RFK Junior's probably right about those vaccines.

I mean, the tins in that room.

Know what that short for, right? That is.

You heard that.

Maybe take a break from the

AI and start working on a eye contact.

Right. Some of these guys, it's crazy.

Well, that was a crazy thing to say, but it's getting late.

I have important work tomorrow. Okay?

I have to go to Bushwick

and give ketamine to underprivileged bisexuals.

I don't know what any of those words mean.

Excuse me, Mr.

President. Someone is here to see you.

What reckless lunatic

would travel to see me in this kind of weather?

It's your assistant, Natalie Harp. Hey.

Hi, Mr.

President.

Hi, Natalie.

I didn't realize you were in New York.

Oh, I wasn't.

I ran here from D.C.

weapons style.

I, came in case you needed anything, because,

baby boy, you've been on my mind.

I'd say is.

Is she great?

She's like the girl from obsession, but blond.

No. No.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I'm totally normal. I'm totally normal.

Anyways, nice to meet you, mayor.

I'm dying.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I was gonna give.

If you hurt him, I will end you.

Okay.

Bye bye. Wow.

Well, Mr.

President, I really do have to get back to work.

Oh, come on, Z bag,

z z dove

z nine, the sequel.

Don't make me go back there.

I don't want to go.

The judges keep telling me no.

Mitch McConnell keeps giving me the b side,

whatever the hell that means.

Please let me stay here with you,

okay?

Only if you give us $21 billion for a housing project

in Queens. Are you out of your mind?

What if I follow you back on Instagram?

It's a done deal. And live from New York.

It's Saturday night.

It's Saturday Night Live with

Musical guest.

Katseye

And your host, Jalen Brunson.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Jalen Brunson

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

It's great to be here.

I'm very excited.

You guys can probably tell with my voice and face,

but tonight I'm going to approach the host

in the same way I approach the next finals game.

So the first three quarters

of the show are going to be God awful.

The last sketch is going to be amazing.

Anyway, anyway, I had a pretty good summer.

I helped the Knicks win NBA championship.

By now you've all heard me talk about it,

but you haven't heard me sing about it.

And obviously I'm not going to.

But look, the new season is just a couple weeks away,

and I got to say, it's going to be pretty cool

to be back in Madison Square Garden.

Looking around like. Wow.

Just a few months ago, this.

This was the exact spot where Taylor and Travis got married.

And I will say,

the most satisfying part of winning the title is

think about all the people who doubted me along the way.

And tonight, I finally get to get some closure.

I invited one of my biggest doubters

here to apologize to my face.

Stephen Smith.

Yeah,

you know what?

Let me say this. Jalen Brunson.

I am man enough to admit that I was wrong

when the New York Knickerbockers signed you.

And I did not think that you were the answer.

Nor did I believe that you could deliver the team

for championships in 1973, when I was only five years old.

Sorry.

How long is this going to go?

About another seven minutes.

Yeah. Forget it.

Okay. You got it. Okay.

Now, before we start

the show, I did want to open it up to some audience questions.

Yes. To those four men back there.

What's up Jalen.

What's up Jalen.

Big fan big fan. Yeah.

But why?

Why are you wearing glasses inside?

You're right, you're right.

I, captain,

I have a question.

Can you foul out of SNL?

No, I don't think so.

So I could be here, like, the whole show.

Nice.

All right, who's next?

Oh, I have a question.

Are my arms, like, really long?

They're pretty long, right?

Yeah, but you got a great wingspan.

Yet I'll never fly. Oh.

Okay.

Next question. OG

Remember in game four when you took that shot

at the end and you missed it?

Yeah.

Do you remember what happened after?

Yeah.

You tipped it in. Oh, yeah.

That was awesome.

Okay, you got time for this?

One more question.

Josh? Yes.

No. Hey, man, I love the podcast.

Is it true that you took $130 million pay cut

just to resign with the Knicks?

Yeah, that's true. Wow.

So is that money,

like, still up for grabs?

I don't know, but I do have a question for you.

Why don't you do this to me at the cup ceremony?

Because it was funny.

That like that, question was a layup, bro.

Yeah, well, last time I had a layup, you did this.

Hey. Hey, bro,

AI be looking so real because they.

Oh. All right, well, guys, can you come up

here, please?

We have a great show for you tongiht. Katseye is here

Stick around we█ll be right back

Whew!

Man, those Pizza Hut sandwiches really hit the spot, Sure did.

But wait.

Oh. Mark's going in for the slam dunk.

Oh, yeah.

All right, basketball star.

We should probably get back to work, But wait, before we do.

Looks like Darius has the ball now.

Okay, there he is.

What are you saying?

I'm just left on the clock.

He shoots in.

He misses.

So close. Darius.

Yeah. That would have been awesome.

Yeah.

Feel like we would have been

talking about that for a long time, buddy.

Anyway, back to work.

What's the status on, Thompson Park?

Yeah, we submitted an application

for a federal grant about a month ago.

I think NPS has just backed

up. Yeah,

the new regulations are just too much for them to handle.

But wait, guys,

it turns out

it wasn't the last shot of the game.

What's this now?

The referee said there's still one second left on the clock.

The invulnerable, the Darius.

He shoots and.

Oh! Missed it again.

Sorry, Darius.

Looks like the game is really over this time.

Yeah. It looks.

It's because the clock ran out.

Yep. So,

is there any way we can get this thing speeding along or.

I, I have a friend over there.

I can make a call. But wait, though.

Darius. No.

You guys are never going to believe this.

There's still time on the clock.

How it turns out, it was daylight savings time,

so there's still two seconds.

That's not how daylight savings works.

Well, Derek gets the ball back for one last shot.

He shoots and,

missed again.

Right.

It looks like you're all out of wrappers.

Am I bitch?

Oh! Darius shoots.

Oh. Shoots again. Here he is.

One last chance, Scotty.

Eyes closed.

Eyes open.

Dude! Kobe!

Boom! Shut the locker.

Darius, stop!

Stop! Oh,

you are embarrassing yourself, okay.

You're bad at basketball, man.

Can't you get that through your little pea brain

and your big ass head that you suck at basketball?

You can't get the ball in the basket.

Do you get that?

But there's still one.

Yo, Darius,

there's not one second left, man.

Stop it. Okay.

You're bad at basketball.

I'm sorry, I can't stop.

Why not? Man?

Because there's something you guys just don't know.

My name's not Darius Barcelona.

It's not. No,

it's Jalen Brunson.

Oh my God.

That explains why

he drives a neon orange Maserati

and why we saw him kissing Jalen Brunson's wife.

Well, look, I only took this job because ever since

I was a little boy, I fantasize about working a modest job

and hitting it big shot in front of my coworkers.

But you're so famous already.

Just in the NBA.

I don't care about that.

I care about the office.

I want to be known as an as an office shooter.

Yeah, right.

I just don't think that's a great thing to say.

I can't I can't give up now.

Game on the line.

Can't you hear the crowd?

I think I care.

Yeah, yeah, I hear it too.

I can smell the popcorn.

We believe in you.

Jalen Brunson has the right.

This one's for all the marbles.

He leaves that he shoots.

Oh and BP

B and T you.

Owe me.

All right.

After a worldwide search Dream

Academy season one brought you Katseye

Now we're back for season two.

Ready to find our next breakout girl group again?

Details.

We're asking ourselves.

Can lightning strike twice? I'm Neal Sam.

I am 17, and as a kid, I played young Nala in The Lion

King on Broadway.

But now I want to be a pop star.

I'm Ila. I'm 16.

I've been singing and dancing since I could walk and talk.

Five. Six. Seven. Eight.

Roll the hips and wear your crown.

Got it.

Okay.

If I understand correctly, it's tummy.

Breast. Tummy. Breast punch breast.

But then what?

It'll never be breasts.

I am Duff and I'm a triple threat.

Swimming, drawing and magic.

And I'm argyle.

I only wear flip flops because I kept passing out

when I tried to tie my shoes.

Hey, can someone help me zip up my little sip it up?

It's not even on you.

Duffin, Margol witnessed a hit and run caused

by a music executive.

And now they are on the show.

She dragged that guy for two blocks.

Who cares?

TBH, I thought Dream Academy was a school

where you learn how to control dreams.

But sure, I'll be a pop star.

So girls.

For the name of the final group, we are between Foxtail

and Tigress.

That's cute. What about moose knuckle?

No avatar sex.

You guys are not picking the name.

Crow.

Crow.

Just crow.

It's not up for discussion.

What's that thing where you make your personal name?

You all talking about a favorite food?

Plus the street you grew up on.

Tomato orphanage.

When my mom was in the hospital,

I started singing to make her feel better.

A doctor filmed me singing in.

The video went viral. Oh, I had a dream.

I got a haircut from a spider. Is that a good story?

We're forming teams for the song writing challenge.

Group A will be Neil.

So Jamie and Emily

and Group B

will be Duff, Margol and Isla.

Oh, God.

Well, I guess I'm visual. Okay.

I was thinking something like, Ocean waves.

Yell at me. Grazie.

Oh. That's good.

I was thinking maybe something like

Newton's cradle.

Newton's cradle?

Come and get me.

No, I'm just going to come and get it.

New day is great.

Oh, come on, get up.

Come and get what?

I can't believe I'm saying this, but Duff and Argyle

have really grown on me. They're like my big sisters.

If my big sister spoke Dothraki, the

here to announce the winning group, our Dream Academy

season one champions Katseye

Oh. Who are these little girls?

Hey, icons. We were wowed by all of you.

The athleticism, the talent.

Whatever this is.

But more than anything, your songs.

Please enjoy the global music video

debut of the winning girl group featuring us.

♪ I'M AT THE AMC MATINEE

PUSS 'N' BOOTIN' ♪

♪ I LIKE MY SALADS

HEAVY ON THE CRUTON

CRUTON ♪

♪ I LIKE MY TURTLES TEENAGED

AND A LITTLE MUTANT ♪

♪ I LIKE MY FIGS LIKE

I LIKE MY CRADLE

NEWTON NEWTON ♪

♪ NEWTON'S CRADLE

NEWTON'S CRADLE

COME AND GET IT

NEWTON'S CRADLE ♪

♪ NEWTON'S CRADLE

NEWTON'S CRADLE ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Okay.

I want to thank you all for being here.

I know it's tough, but you're very brave to do this.

And the first step is admitting that there's a problem.

All right, Brian, you want to start us off?

Sure. Hi.

I'm Brian.

Oh, man.

It's hard for me to say it.

It's okay. Brian.

You can do this.

My girl was brought on stage

at the Chris Brown and Usher tour.

Hi, Brian.

So, so, Yeah, me and Diane have been married for three years.

Never had any problems.

And then for our anniversary, she surprised me with two

front row tickets to see usher and CB.

So it was fun enough.

You know, the dancing and they ripping

open their shirts and whatnot.

And then six songs in Hershey

jumps off the stage, dangling the damn cherry.

Looking at dropping in some lady's mouth.

And then suddenly Diane is just hungry as hell.

It's okay.

Breathe, Brian. Breathe.

I'm just saying, cherries are out of season.

Where did you get that answer?

Okay, let's give Brian a breather.

You want to go fill up?

Sure. Yeah.

I'm Phillip,

and my girl was brought on stage at the Chris Brown Usher Tour

I love.

I mean, I wasn't even at the concert.

I bought tickets for my girl and her friends.

She gets home, and I say, how was it?

She says, fine.

And she goes and takes a bubble bath with her

Theragun.

Next morning, open TikTok.

I see my girl strapped to a pole, spinning like shwarma.

And there's Mr.

Breezy, no shirt on, drenched in sweat.

My girls eyes are on the back of her head.

Like she's trying to see our memories.

Oh, I am so sorry, Phillip.

Video has 123,000 likes.

Top comment says pay for her.

Man. Y'all.

Got this man.

Well, I spent $1,200 on that meet and greet.

I never expected her to actually greet me.

You're brave.

You're very brave.

Sorry.

I have a question. For me.

Sure. Mike. Go ahead.

If if God is real,

why would he create talented, light skinned.

All right, all right. Easy.

Let's.

Let's assume that.

Yes, yes I agree.

Let's move along, Chris.

Yeah. Hi. I'm Chris.

Hi, I'm Chris.

Data. Black woman.

They said

it will be fun.

They said.

And it is.

I loves me a queen.

All I'm saying is,

this kind of stuff don't happen at the Noah Kahan concert.

Very right.

Okay. Who's next?

Hi, Dana.

Hello.

Usher. Raymond. Dry hump.

My pregnant wife. So hard.

She had triplets.

When they came out and they didn't even cry.

They just went.

Jail. Jail and jail.

And I was like, no.

Damn you Usher

♪♪

♪♪

>>> GREAT GAME LAST NIGHT NIGHT,

JAKE.

YOU DOMINATED SOUTH HIGH.

>> DID YOU SEE THE SCOUTS IN THE

STANDS?

YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO THE

PROS.

>> THANKS, GUYS.

FOR ME, THE "B" IN BASKETBALL

STANDS FOR "BROTHERS."

>> OH, WHAT A TEAM!

>> COME ON IN.

>> UM, SORRY.

I JUST TRANSFERRED HERE.

AND I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD

MAYBE JOIN YOU GUYS.

>> SORRY, BUD.

WE'RE FULL UP.

>> YEAH.

KICK ROCKS, DUDE.

>> THANKS ANYWAY.

>> GUYS.

WHOA.

EVERYONE DESERVES A SHOT.

SUP, MAN?

I'M JAKE.

OF COURSE YOU CAN BALL WITH US.

BUT KNOW THIS.

HERE AT NORTH HIGH, YOU GOT TO

GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT.

>> OH, YEAH.

THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD.

HA HA!

♪ ON THIS TEAM

WE GIVE IT OUR ALL YEAH

YOU BEST BELIEVE

THIS IS BASKETBALL ♪

♪ PASS ME THE BALL

NUTTIN' BUT NET

GET IN YOUR FACE

AND THEN I FAKE LEFT ♪

♪ GOT WHAT IT TAKES

I AIN'T STARTED YET

'CAUSE THIS IS BASKETBALL ♪

♪ PASS IT TO ME

AND I KNOW WHAT I GOT

PUT THE TEAM ON MY BACK

THEN I TAKE THE SHOT ♪

OH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OH, OKAY, NO PROBLEM.

♪ TAKE THE SHOT --

TAKE --

TAKE THE SHOT

TAKE THE SHOT ♪

PLEASE.

PLEASE.

♪ TAKE THE ♪

>> OH, MY GOD, JAKE, JAKE.

>> OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

MR. NEW GUY, GOOD BLOCKS.

BUT BASKETBALL ISN'T JUST ABOUT

DEFENSE.

IT'S ABOUT HEART.

COME ON, GUYS.

LET'S SHOW HIM HOW IT'S DONE.

♪ TEAM I GOT MY BALL AND I GOT

MY ♪

>> OH!

>> GAME ON.

>> OH, MY ANKLE!

>> EXCUSE ME.

KISS THE BALL.

>> I'M TRYING.

>> CALL ME DADDY NOW.

>> WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?

>> YO, THAT WAS LIT AS HELL,

BRUH!

>> I NEVER HEARD YOU TALK LIKE

THAT.

>> I DIDN'T KNOW BASKETBALL

COULD BE, LIKE, NOT GAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

YOU'RE OUR BEST PLAYER.

>> I KNOW.

MAYBE -- NOT ANYMORE.

♪ EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE ♪

OH, GOD!

OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW,

OW!

HOW?

WHY?

JUST GIVE ME 30 SECONDS TO GET

ON MY FEET, PLEASE!

PLEASE!

GOD!

THIS IS ACTUALLY A GOOD TIME TO

TELL YOU GUYS, I DON'T EVEN CARE

ABOUT BASKETBALL ANYMORE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I DECIDED I'M DOING A MUSICAL.

BECAUSE I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE.

>> JAKE!

>> JESSIKIAH.

♪ THE LOOK IN YOUR EYES

WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER ♪

♪ THIS CRAZY LOVE WILL BE

WITH US FOREVER ♪

♪ A ROSE LIKE YOU

ONLY BLOOMS SO UNIQUE ♪

>> WHAT THE HELL?

♪ BABY LET'S COME TOGETHER

'CAUSE THIS IS MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ OOH OOH ♪

♪ COME GIRL OH YEAH NOT HIM BUT

ME ♪

>> YEAH, I THINK I'M GOING TO

HOOK UP WITH THIS GUY.

>> STOP, STOP.

I SEE THAT.

BUT HEY, BEFORE YOU DO.

BUCKET!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> HELLO.

WE -- NO -- I CAN HEAR YOU NOW.

YES, MY FATHER WAS ADMITTED LAST

NIGHT.

HE FELL.

I'M TRYING TO REACH HIS HOSPITAL

ROOM.

NO, NO, DON'T -- OH, MY GOD,

THEY PUT ME ON HOLD AGAIN.

>> IT WILL BE FINE, HONEY,

THEY'LL REBOOK US ON ANOTHER

FLIGHT SOON.

>> MY DAD IS IN THE HOSPITAL,

CLARK.

I NEED TO GET HOME NOW.

WE SHOULD HAVE FLOWN DELL DELTA,

BUT YOU WANTED TO SAVE MONEY AND

BUY TICKETS ON A JANKY AIRLINE.

>> AI CHIHUAHUA AIRLINES IS NOT

JANKY.

>> CAN YOU UPDATE ME ON MY

FATHER'S CONDITION, PLEASE?

>> OOOOOHHHHH!

OH, DAVID!

THESE MASSAGE CHAIRS ARE A GAME

CHANGER FOR BUSINESS TRIPS.

I DON'T WANT THIS LAYOVER TO

END, DAVID.

>> OOH!

AMEN, PATRICK.

>> DAVID!

THE DEEP TISSUE SETTING IS

DESTROYING MY KNOT, DAVID, OOH!

>> RIDE IT OUT, PATRICK, OOH.

>> I'M SORRY, IT'S A LITTLE LOUD

HERE, CAN YOU REPEAT THAT?

>> OH, PATRICK.

THIS ROLLING MOTOR'S

DEVASTATING.

>> I KNOW.

THE ROLL IS HARDER THAN THE DEEP

TISSUE, DAVID.

IT'S HEADED STRAIGHT FOR MY BIG

KNOT, DAVID.

I'M SCARED, DAVID!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> BE BRAVE, PATRICK.

>> DAVID!

OOHHHH!

OOH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

OOOHHH!

>> NO, NO, I'M NOT MAKING THOSE

SOUNDS.

IT'S TWO MEN IN MASSAGE CHAIRS.

>> OOHHHH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, WHAT

DID YOU SAY?

SO IS HE RESPONSIVE OR NO?

>> OH, MY GOD!

AAHHHH!

>> OOH, HELL, YEAH.

>> YES!

>> HEY, HEY.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

[ LAUGHTER ]

WITH YOUR PORNO MOANS?

THIS IS THE DENVER AIRPORT, NOT

A BEDROOM.

>> WELL, I WASN'T EVEN AWARE I

WAS MAKING SOUNDS.

I APOLOGIZE.

>> OOH!

OOH!

>> WE'RE ON A WORK TRIP.

WE'VE BEEN ON CRAMPED REGIONAL

CONNECTING FLIGHTS ALL DAY, SIR.

>> WE DID BOSTON TO PITTSBURGH.

>> MMH!

>> PITTSBURGH TO PROVIDENCE.

>> MMH!

>> PROVIDENCE TO DENVER.

OUR LAST ONE IS DENVER TO TAMPA

BAY.

>> THAT'S THE WORST ROUTE I'VE

EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LOOK, YOU CAN ENJOY THE CHAIRS.

JUST STOP THE MOANING.

WE'RE GETTING COMPLAINTS FROM

THE WOMEN IN THE WEIRD

BREASTFEEDING CHAIRS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> DAVID, DAVID, IT'S -- IT'S

CHANGING TO CHOP, DAVID!

>> OOH!

OOH!

HELL, YEAH!

>> YES.

>> OH GOD, YEAH!

>> OH, OH, DAVID, DAVID!

IT'S -- IT'S -- IT'S TOO MUCH

FOR ME!

[ LAUGHTER ]

DAVID, LOOK AT ME!

>> I CAN'T, PATRICK.

>> LOOK AT ME IN THE EYE, DAVID!

>> I CAN'T, PATRICK.

>> LOOK AT ME, DAVID!

>> I CAN'T.

>> DAVID, IT'S GOING TO BREAK

ME!

AGHH!

>> LET IT BREAK YOU, PATRICK.

>> OKAY, CAN YOU LOWER THE

VOLUME, PLEASE?

THE HOSPITAL HUNG UP ON ME

BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT I WAS

HAVING SEX.

>> YEAH, AND WE WEREN'T, AND WE

HAVEN'T IN A WHILE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SORRY, MAN, WE'RE JUST RELIEVING

TENSION.

AH, DAVID WHAT INTENSITY SETTING

ARE YOU ON?

>> UGH -- HARD -- DADDY.

HARD DADDY.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

>> I DON'T KNOW, DAVID.

I THINK MINE'S HIGHER.

IT SAYS PRISON BEATING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH!

DAVID!

DAVID!

DAVID!

DAVID!

DAVID!

>> DON'T TOUCH ME.

>> DAVID!

DAVID!

AGHH!

OH!

AGH!

WOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WOW.

>> WHOO.

>> HOW DO YOU FEEL, DAVID?

>> TURNED OUT.

>> YOU BOTH ARE DISGUSTING.

>> DISGUSTING?

IT'S A MASSAGE.

IT'S NOT SEXUAL.

>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

GET UP.

>> AT LEAST WAIT FOR OUR

ERECTIONS TO GO DOWN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN KATSEYE

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ MM-MM

YOU'RE THE BOSS

YOU RUN THE CIRCUS BABY ♪

♪ TAKE IT UP A NOTCH

YOU'RE SO SOPHISTICATED ♪

♪ DON'T WANNA BE

ON A SCHEDULE

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN TIME

MM-MM ♪

♪ OFF THE SCALE THAT GOES

FROM HOT TO CRAZY ♪

♪ FINGERNAILS ONE TWO THREE

COLORS PAINTED

CROP TOP AND BAGGY JEANS

HOLDING YOUR WAISTLINE ♪

♪ MM-MM ♪

♪ YOU MAKE THE LIGHT

AND THE SHADOWS COLLIDE

YOUR BODY GETS TWISTED

AND TANGLED IN MINE ♪

♪ LOVE SO GOOD

HOW COULD THIS BE FREE

I KEEP YOUR SECRET

SAFE WITH ME ♪

♪ MM-MM ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS YOU'RE

OUTTA CONTROL

BUT I SEE A SIDE BEHIND

THE CLOSED DOORS ♪

♪ THEY GET A GLIMPSE HERE

ON THE DANCE FLOOR

YOU MOVE LIKE AN ANIMAL

MM-MM ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS YOU'RE

OUTTA CONTROL

BUT I SEE A SIDE BEHIND

THE CLOSED DOORS ♪

♪ THEY GET A GLIMPSE HERE

ON THE DANCE FLOOR

YOU MOVE LIKE AN ANIMAL

MM-MM ♪

♪ I'LL BE GONE BY MORNING

SO GETCHA GETCHA HEELS

ON THE FLOOR THEN ♪

♪ SO ARE YOU WITH ME

ARE YOU WITH ME ♪

♪ BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU'RE

WISHING FOR 'CAUSE

I GET FREAKY

MM-MM ♪

♪ YOU MAKE THE LIGHT

AND THE SHADOWS COLLIDE

OOH ♪

♪ YOUR BODY GETS TWISTED

AND TANGLED IN MINE

OOH ♪

♪ LOVE SO GOOD

HOW COULD THIS BE FREE

I KEEP YOUR SECRET

SAFE WITH ME ♪

♪ MM-MM ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS YOU'RE

OUTTA CONTROL

BUT I SEE A SIDE BEHIND

THE CLOSED DOORS ♪

♪ THEY GET A GLIMPSE HERE

ON THE DANCE FLOOR

YOU MOVE LIKE AN ANIMAL

MM-MM ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS YOU'RE

OUTTA CONTROL

BUT I SEE A SIDE BEHIND

THE CLOSED DOORS ♪

♪ THEY GET A GLIMPSE HERE

ON THE DANCE FLOOR

YOU MOVE LIKE AN ANIMAL

MM-MM ♪

♪ I'M GETTIN' OVERWHELMED

R-R-RIGHT NOW

WANT YOU TO GIVE IT TO ME

ALL NIGHT LONG ♪

♪ MM-MM

WHOO ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS YOU'RE

OUTTA CONTROL

NOBODY KNOWS ♪

♪ BUT I SEE A SIDE BEHIND

THE CLOSED DOORS ♪

♪ THEY GET A GLIMPSE HERE

ON THE DANCE FLOOR

YOU MOVE LIKE AN ANIMAL

MM-MM ♪

♪ NOBODY KNOWS YOU'RE

OUTTA CONTROL

BUT I SEE A SIDE BEHIND

THE CLOSED DOORS ♪

♪ THEY GET A GLIMPSE HERE

ON THE DANCE FLOOR

YOU MOVE LIKE AN ANIMAL

MM-MM ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update with

Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend update I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well,

well on Thursday, Chinese President XI Jinping

arrived in DC for a state visit, and President Trump

drove to meet him at the airport like a boyfriend with no job.

Then Trump ordered military

jets to do a flyover to Project American strength.

Let's see how that went.

I don't know if he projected strength,

but it looks like he projected something.

President XI also announced

that China would be gifting America two giant pandas.

The pandas will be sent to live in the research lab

at at Antropic

The president of Iran addressed the U.N.

General Assembly and accused the United States of terrorism

as ridiculous. Americans don't do terrorism.

We do isolated acts of mental illness with a gun.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu addressed

an almost empty chamber at the U.N.

after delegates

walked out in protest over Israel's war in Gaza.

I guess wherever Netanyahu shows up, there's going to be

some relocating.

Now, why did I think that end in a laugh?

Well, addressing a crowd of college students,

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth laid out his new vision

for the military.

Though.

You could have just stopped after the first part.

Why were you even thinking about that, bud?

This phrase sounds like something he repeats

to stop himself from having uncomfortable fantasies.

The white House responded to major news networks

canceling coverage of President Trump

by launching a live stream called Trump TV.

But if that's Trump TV, then what the hell is Paramount plus?

A video? Oh,

they're on board now called

a video was posted of Senator Mitch McConnell

returning to his Washington, D.C.

home and giving reporters the symbol to show

what he refuses to rest in.

Kamala Harris has reportedly offered

to campaign with Democratic candidates

before the midterms, because there's still time

for Democrats to blow this thing.

Rapper Macklemore, who was dropped

as the opening act for Ed Sheeran, announced that he is

launching a Free Palestine tour.

But haven't the Palestinian people

been through enough?

Louisiana Senator John Kennedy said at an event

in Nebraska that he loved Nebraska more than sex.

Yeah, because he doesn't need four different pills to have

Nebraska.

Donald Trump unveiled

a new helipad in the South Lawn of the white House.

Before that, he had to board helicopters like this. And.

Like a cow.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu posted a video

attacking Zoran Mamdani,

calling him the antisemitic mayor of New York.

Worst subway take ever.

As their CEO, Dario, I'm a day.

I recently stumbled through a press tour

where he agreed with the former anthropic employees claim

that there's a 10% chance

of AI wiping out humanity within ten years.

Here to comment is anthropic CVO CEO Dario.

I'm a day.

You know,

you know, you know, thanks for having me, Michael.

I may have been alarming

in my recent interviews, but I want to assure you

that if we can pressure lawmakers to create guardrails,

we will be able to stop me.

Dario, can you just explain

how your company isn't going to kill us?

So, so, so true.

So, so so that's a really hard question.

It shouldn't be. You know.

Anon Dario.

Come on Dario you can do this

I got just to reassure them.

Oh well

I it's the devil and I, it's maker.

What.

No. Well so look

Sam Altman myself, all the major AI players,

we've talked about this extensively

and we are all on the same page here.

We do not condone what we are doing.

Shouldn't you be talking about the pros of AI?

I mean, don't you guys keep saying

that it's going to cure cancer? Yeah.

So put it this way.

In ten years, there's about a 10% chance

that cancer will be a problem for anyone.

I don't like the way you're saying that, buddy.

I mean, how is this a good thing?

Look, So, Trey, it's simple.

If you could drink a milk that major in life easier.

But there was a 10% chance it killed you.

Would you drink the milk? No.

Really? Yes.

Well, what if there was a button that when you push it,

everyone dies?

Would you push the button?

No. Really.

Dario, are you okay?

I'm sort of blacking out every time I talk.

I'd love to start this interview over.

Or better yet, you know, my whole life.

All right.

Just tell us what are the pros of AI.

All right, let's head to the plane.

Dario, I thought you can.

We can hear you. Dario.

No one can hear you.

Dario.

Say something reassuring.

What?

Try the milk thing.

I already can.

Then try this.

AI is not a weapon. It's a tool.

A tool for building weapons.

And I urge you to urge me to stop.

Dario. I'm a day, everybody.

This goes all the way to the top.

Former Homeland Secretary Kristi Noem posted a picture

of an enormous elk she killed during a hunting trip,

where she killed the elk by shooting her dog at it.

It's a really funny picture.

Starbucks has released a new drink inspired by Charlie Brown,

because the barista left one little curly hair on

top of it.

They're not going to like this one.

Critics have a new Hanukkah themed Barbie doll are upset

that the doll appears to have a larger gnome

than other Barbies.

They're also not thrilled about Hanukkah.

Barbie's West Bank dream House.

We're back!

Meta has introduced a new AI agent called moose,

which appears as a cuddly doll with a friendly smile

but the same cold, dead eyes of its father.

A white woman in Pennsylvania who is a teacher admitted that

she's been lying for years

about having Palestinian and Black heritage.

Also, she's not from Pennsylvania

and she's not a woman. And it's me.

For a record 23rd.

Wait, the number one

song in the country was Ella Langley's Chosen Texas Rap.

The Texas band choosing.

They're going to write about US culture.

It was reported that a new billion dollar industry

could be carriers,

which are cages that allow cats to go outside.

Carriers were famously featured on our show ten minutes ago.

Yeah.

According to a recent survey,

almost 20% of Gen Z have never had sex.

Despite my best efforts.

This summer broke

the record for the highest grossing box office in history.

Here, to give his thoughts on some of its biggest blockbusters

is conservative commentator Tucker Carlson.

Thank you for calling.

It's movie time.

Let's find our seats.

Silence our cell phones and abandon Christian values.

Of course, I'm talking about Paw Patrol, the dino movie.

So let me get this right.

They say Jesus didn't live at the same time.

It's the dinosaurs. But paw Patrol did.

What are we doing?

What's going on?

All right. Tucker.

What did you see this summer? How about the Odyssey?

Oh, yes, the Odyssey in Imax, 70 millimeter.

That's right.

The Hollywood cabal shoots.

It's filled with millimeters.

Or, as I like to call it, the gay inch.

What?

Oh, no.

I like the Odyssey.

It's so nice to see Greek people do something

other than make women feel uncomfortable.

Okay, okay.

All right. That's just.

No. Okay. What up?

All right.

What about. No. Down.

What about Spider-Man?

It was the biggest movie this summer.

Oh, yes.

Everybody loves Spider-Man.

Brand new gender.

No, that is not what it's called.

Spider is a spider, then uses whatever bathroom it feels like.

Oh. Come on.

Come on, man. And.

Oh, Colin, did you hear the news?

Tom Holland and Zendaya are married.

I now pronounce stop.

I now pronounce you Mr.

and Mrs..

She refused to take his last name. Yes.

And it doesn't have a last name.

But where did it go?

And who took it and why?

Sorry, kids.

You don't get to names anymore.

You only get one name like a dog.

That's the rule.

That's the goal. Now.

Hell are you talking about?

Did you like obsession?

Oh, yes. Obsession.

The last

idea of a horror movie is that a woman is forced to love a man.

Oh, no! Help!

I'm being chased by a heterosexual relationship.

Is this what we want?

I don't do you.

You shouldn't. But you do.

Why is that allowed?

Maybe.

What are you talking about?

I've lost my train of thought.

But where did it go? Why?

Stop asking yourself questions.

Okay, fine.

It was also a big summer for minions and monsters.

And no, I'm not talking about the children's film.

I'm talking about the Trump cabinet.

That's right.

I've turned on Trump.

I'm so brave.

You're you're you're you're definitely not.

Finally. Toy story five. What?

Let me understand this.

You've got a friend in me,

and his name is Woody.

Tucker Carlson, everyone.

For Weekend Update, I'm Colin Jost, I'm Michael che.

Good. Good night.

Thanks for coming in, Miss Daniels. Hi.

Oh, of course, Mr. Roth.

Is everything all right with Liam?

Oh, yeah. More than all right.

Actually, Liam is crushing the second grade.

I actually had a few ideas

for how we might challenge him even more.

Oh. That's great.

Sorry.

I just think it might be helpful if all the adults in

our household were present for the conversation.

Is that okay? Oh my God, yes, by all means.

Okay.

All right, come in.

Hello.

My name is Marie, and I'm Lulu Jones.

Sorry to be tardy for the party.

Maurice and Lulu are my central support system,

Oh, great.

Nice. Nice to meet you both.

I love the artwork.

Did you do it yourself?

The children's drawings?

No. Look, I know our situation is a bit unconventional.

I hope you don't mind.

Oh, yeah. I mean, no judgment here.

Liam's doing great.

So whatever you're doing is working fine.

And, just to be clear, we're not poly.

Oh, no. No, nothing poly about us.

Wendell and Gwendolyn.

Lulu, they.

You know, they date me separately. Yes.

You see, this here love triangle.

It's a isosceles

Yeah, yeah.

See, Wendelin, I touched her,

but we do not touch each other on account of us being cousins.

Okay. Yeah.

I don't need all the details.

Oh, well, here's how it works, Playboy.

During sexy time, we turn the lights off

and use a chess clock.

And when he hits his button, I go crazy to my time.

Is up. Yeah, yeah.

And then, vice and Versace and so on and so forth.

Cool.

So anyway, back to your son, Liam.

I actually think

you'd be a great candidate for the gifted program.

But, you know, Kelly,

I must admit, I didn't realize that you had a son until today.

Really?

I just thought he was our little person roommate.

And you'd enjoy making lunch for him.

Oh. I'm sorry. Our.

Neither of these men. Liam's father.

Oh, no. No.

I mean, to be honest, I'm not really sure who Liam father is.

Oh, forgive me for asking.

But who is Liam?

And I can't have children.

Oh. I'm sorry.

You see, I'm the man.

And the woman would have to have the child.

You understand me?

You should know that. You understand that.

You know that. No, I know that. Sorry.

Where did you meet this man?

Oh, we met on an app.

Okay. What app?

TaskRabbit. Yeah, right.

Yes. I hired them to build me a bed frame.

And then once we were done, I had to hire them to fix it.

I guess we broke. That's right. We broke it.

We broke it.

Oh my God.

Okay, Liam's reading comprehension is way above

grade level.

What kind of books is he reading at home?

Bridge to Terabithia.

Anyway, every night with these two is pure bliss.

When they drench me in their bodies,

it's like a Klondike bar.

Crisp chocolate exterior and a freezing white

woman in the middle. Am I right?

Am I right?

Why are you freezing?

I'm sorry. I'm.

Do you mind if I smoke in here? What?

In an elementary school?

Oh. I'm sorry.

I suppose the question I meant was, I'm.

I'm going to smoke in here.

Ooh, I love the smell of a nice cigar.

Sir, I can see that you're judging us, but

you have to understand, Mr. Roff.

Lulu and Maurice Jones saved me.

Before I met them.

I was 500 pound lesbian go dancer.

With only six months to live.

You were.

No, I'm not doing this.

So, Liam's test scores, you guys.

Who is this famous? Liam?

Wait. You know what?

I think it would be helpful if all

the adults in the household were present for this. Hold on.

You already said that.

Greetings and salutations, lovely people.

Sorry we're late.

I have a son in every grade in this damn school.

These are my additional lovers, Cletus and Montrell.

And let's just say I'm always late for the bus.

But I have never missed a train.

And you say that you feel that you.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, KATSEYE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ EU SEI QUE TU GOSTA

DA FRUTA

MAS ESSA E DIFERENTE

HOOTIE FRUTTI ♪

♪ HOOTIE FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT

FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT

HOOTIE FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT

FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT ♪

♪ HOOTIE FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT

FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT

HOOTIE FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT

FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT ♪

♪ HEY CUTIE CUTIE

I SEE YA LOOKIN' ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WHEN I WALK

IN THE PARTY

THEY'RE LIKE WHO SHE ♪

♪ CARRY MY MATCHA

MOUNT VALLEY WATER ♪

♪ I LIKE MY MOCHI DRENCHED

IN CHOCOLATA ♪

♪ LET'S PLAY SOME

TRUTH OR DARE

TELL ME WHAT TIME YOU ON ♪

♪ YOU THINK I'M UNAWARE

BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ♪

♪ YOU CAME FOR SOMETHIN'

RARE

I'LL PUT IT ON YOUR TONGUE ♪

♪ I KNOW YOU LIKE THAT ♪

♪ HOOTIE YEAH FRUTTI YEAH

HOOTIE YEAH FRUTTI YEAH

HOOTIE YEAH FRUTTI YEAH ♪

♪ HOOTIE YEAH

I KNOW YOU LIKE THAT ♪

♪ HOOTIE YEAH FRUTTI YEAH

HOOTIE YEAH FRUTTI YEAH

HOOTIE YEAH FRUTTI YEAH ♪

♪ HOOTIE YEAH

I KNOW YOU LIKE THAT ♪

♪ HOOTIE FRUTTI

ON YOUR TONGUE

HOOTIE FRUTTI

ALL NIGHT LONG ♪

♪ HOOTIE FRUTTI

IF YOU WANT IT

COME AND GET IT

'FORE IT'S GONE ♪

♪ HOOTIE FRUTTI ALL THE WAY

HOOTIE FRUTTI EVERY DAY

HOOTIE FRUTTI LIKE

THE $20 SMOOTHIES IN LA ♪

♪ HOOTIE FRUTTI UH-HUH

NICE AND JUICY SO JUICY ♪

♪ YEAH YOU CRAVE IT AND

YOU'RE NOT EVEN A FOODIE ♪

♪ LET'S PLAY SOME

TRUTH OR DARE

TELL ME WHAT TIME YOU ON ♪

♪ YOU THINK I'M UNAWARE

BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ♪

♪ YOU CAME FOR SOMETHIN'

RARE

I'LL PUT IT ON YOUR TONGUE ♪

♪ I KNOW YOU LIKE THAT ♪

♪ HOOTIE YEAH FRUTTI YEAH

HOOTIE YEAH FRUTTI YEAH

HOOTIE YEAH FRUTTI YEAH ♪

♪ HOOTIE YEAH

I KNOW YOU LIKE THAT ♪

♪ HOOTIE YEAH FRUTTI YEAH

HOOTIE YEAH FRUTTI YEAH

HOOTIE YEAH FRUTTI YEAH ♪

♪ HOOTIE YEAH

I KNOW YOU LIKE THAT ♪

♪ FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT

FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT

OH-WHOA ♪

♪ HOOTIE FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT

FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT

OH OH ♪

♪ HOOTIE FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT

FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT

OH-WHOA ♪

♪ HOOTIE FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT

FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Tonight on Shark Tank.

Which company stirs the feeding frenzy?

And who gets tossed to the fishes?

Find out now as you lay naked on your hotel bed.

Hello, sharks.

I'm Dimitri Dingle, and I'm Diedrich Poomfant

What stinks?

The patriarchy.

That's right.

We're two feminist inventors in a topsy turvy world

run by men. Boo!

And as for inventors, we hit the streets

and talk to thousands of women.

And they all told us one thing.

Stop staring at my breasts.

So that gave us an idea.

Eyeglasses that sound an alarm every time you so much as glance

at a pair of breasts.

Watch and learn.

It's a subtle cue to remind men to gently turn their attention

away from her chest and toward her beautiful spirit.

We call them respectacles

so men can do their breast.

Okay.

Well, no,

I don't know about this one, guys.

It seems perverted and bad.

Does it work for ass?

No. Never really even considered that.

Yeah, we're not really ask us.

So we didn't out.

Come on, guys, this is offensive.

Why would anyone want.

Excuse me.

Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Listen, Lori, we have nothing but respect.

Sorry, sorry. Let me take this. Yeah, you got it.

Lori, you are a wonderful person.

Oh, sorry. You know. You know what?

I think it's best if we just go back.

Don't know.

Those glasses were a swing and a miss.

But this next contestant is up for the challenge.

Hi, sharks.

I'm Marley, and for too long, not enough people have had acne.

All right, we got lost.

We got lost and we got scared.

Yeah.

Was it their producer helping you?

Yes. And she was lovely,

but we couldn't hear her over the sound of the beeping.

Should I keep going with my, Oh.

So sorry.

Sorry.

God, I hate these glasses.

Look, as femme ventures, we didn't mean to upset anyone.

We are just trying to help men do their best.

I'm sorry.

Is that your catchphrase or something?

Bull's eye.

That's our catchphrase.

Bullseye!

Sorry. God! Sorry.

I saw that lovely producer again out of nowhere, you know.

No, no.

This is ridiculous.

Okay, you need to get out of here.

Not again.

I'm sorry.

That was actually me.

I have to forget.

It's work for us.

Nathan.

Damon, take those off.

Listen, Mr.

Dingle, Mr. Poom fat.

I don't even know how you two made it this far,

both on this show and in life.

Yep. Right.

Got it. Okay.

And I just want to say something to you right now.

Okay. I was born in 1601.

I'm a vampire.

But you too.

You're monsters and you belong in hell.

I hear you.

Yeah, I understand. Totally cool.

Yeah, but you only need one shark to make a deal.

Oh, I'm prepared to offer you guys $50 million

for 100% of the ass side of the business. Oh,

and I already got the name.

Glove asses. See that?

See how I cook?

Bullseye!

So sorry about that.

So join us next week on Shark Tank is two women.

Sorry. That's on me.

Jalen.

The press just wants to ask a few questions,

probably about the new contract. Should I let them in?

No. Right now, I mean, no, I'm just I'm really tired.

I just want to go to my family.

Okay. That's cool. I'll let them know.

I'm gonna head out to get some rest. Jalen.

Thanks, mom. You got it. Love you.

What was that?

I was just as saying bye.

Father son.

Play it.

Hey hey hey, superstar.

Seriously, I said I'm not taking any questions tonight.

Well, not even from your old coach.

Who are you?

It's me, Coach Dennis.

You really don't recognize me, Has it been that long?

Third grade Oak Ridge Park

summer 2005.

First three games we were in first place.

Really bad drinking problem.

You don't remember?

I showed you my gun,

right?

Right, I think I remember it.

I'm just not sure how you got in here.

Well, look, I'm not trying to take up

too much of your time now, superstar.

I know you're a big shot now, but I just wanted

to say very proud of you, boy.

You probably can buy whatever you want to now,

You probably get to eat steaks all the time, right?

Be honest.

What's the biggest steak that you ever eat?

20 pounds

more.

I'm sorry, but I'm just really trying to get home.

It was nice to see you, but you got to go.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Well, well, hang on, Mr. Big shout.

Hang on.

Maybe I don't drive around in a fancy long car,

and I don't eat 50 pound steaks like you do,

but I'm not here looking for a handout.

I'm my own man now.

Have I made some mistakes in my life? Yes.

Could I use a little help? Yes.

Would I like a handout? Yes.

Oh, don't make me call security.

Okay, okay, okay.

But before you throw me out,

let me show you something real quick.

Have a seat.

Take a look at this picture.

You see that?

That's me about 25 years ago.

And you see this little guy holding the tiny basketball.

That's you.

And you drew this?

Yes, I did, yes, I did.

Now, I'm not here to give you no sob story.

I'm just asking for a small loan

and to tell you maybe a little sob story. No.

Well, before you say no.

Here, why don't you read this?

What is this?

It's a screenplay.

It's like only two pages.

Well, that's because it's a porno.

But guess who's in it.

No. Spider man.

Well, bro, I had a really long day.

I'm exhausted.

I'm asking you nicely to please leave.

I understand, I understand, but before I go,

I would love for you to meet somebody.

Come on, baby.

Who the hell is this?

Well, this is Tanya.

Yeah, she doesn't speak much English, but

she came here to this country eight years ago with a dream.

And now she works very hard every day at a laundromat

to send money back home.

Okay, why are you telling me this?

Well, she's going to bang Spider-Man in a porno.

Yo, can someone please get these people out of here, please?

Please.

Maybe I could help.

Who the hell are you?

A Spiderman?

Oh, no no no no, baby, no no,

Not him, you know, I mean, unless.

I mean, Excuse me.

Oh, hey, you don't recognize me?

Jaylen. About 30 years ago.

I'm your father.

I just like looking in the damn mirror.

Yeah. You're not my father.

I know my father.

He's bald as hell.

I can shave, I can shave it.

No. Get out, I look. No, hold on.

Hey, man. Hey. I'm. I'm a huge fan.

Can I get your autograph, please?

This is a check.

I'm not signing this. No.

Forget security. I'm just calling the cops.

Come on, man, you can't do all that big on all that.

You know what? Let's just take our things and go.

Yeah, we'll get out of here.

No. Anywhere.

Go ahead. Please. Please.

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> THANK YOU TO KATSEYE, RAMY YOUSSEF, KARL ANTHONY TOWNS

MIKAL BRIDGES, OG, JOSH HART.

THANK YOU TO EVERYBODY AT SNL

GREAT WEEK.

THIS IS FUN, THIS IS AMAZING.

I'M GOING TO GET BACK TO MY REAL

JOB PRETTY SOON.

THANK YOU TO MY FAMILY.

THANK YOU TO EVERYBODY.

HAVE A GREAT DAY, Y'ALL.

APPRECIATE Y'ALL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪