Original subtitles

[music]

[cheering]

>> Tick

>> [music]

>> tock goes the doomsday clock. It's hard

to argue with a fascist when you're

sucking [music]

his [ __ ]

That's the first line of the show. I'm

sorry if anyone brought a friend along

to see me for the first [music] time.

He's not like this on Instagram. I swear

to god.

I've been mistaken [music]

for the bastard son of Barney.

I'm the spawn that gets born on [music]

the lawn when a Muppet [ __ ] a pony.

But tonight I'll be a prophet [music] of

doom. Just in case you're not reading

the room, it would seem the apocalypse

[music]

is happening soon. We

are

>> [singing]

[music]

>> witnessing the end of the world.

CAN I GET AN AMEN?

CAN I GET A WITNESS?

Can I get a classic old-school American

breakfast? [music]

Can I get that with no eggs, no bacon,

no toast, no hash browns, no sausage, no

coffee, no waffles, no ketchup. [music]

You know what? I'll just have a banana.

Sing it.

We

are

>> [singing]

>> witnessing [music] the end of the world.

It's coming down now, people.

We [music]

are

witnessing the end of the world.

>> [music]

>> This morning, I awoke in the midst of a

dream dream dream dream.

>> [laughter]

>> And I was aware that I'd been having a

conversation in my dream, but I couldn't

recall who I was speaking to or what was

being said.

And then I realized it was just my

subconscious conversing with my inner

child to process and resolve something I

was struggling with on a deeper

psychological level.

And I thought to myself, "WHAT THE [ __ ]

ARE YOU SAYING BEHIND MY BACK,

SUBCONSCIOUS?"

YOU GOT A PROBLEM, SUBCONSCIOUS?

You say it TO MY [ __ ] FACE.

>> [laughter]

>> I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT of work on

self-acceptance.

I know I look like a purple Minion with

a no Ozempic dependency.

>> [laughter]

>> I accept that.

It has its silver linings. For example,

I did a world tour last year, and you'll

be glad to know Minions translates

everywhere.

Yeah.

Sesame Street, not so much. [laughter]

I don't know if you know this, but a lot

of European countries have their own

version of Sesame Street. In Germany,

for example, SESAME STREET IS CALLED

>> [laughter]

>> IT'S TRUE.

>> [laughter]

>> IT'S TRUE.

To help me on this journey of

self-acceptance, I've been dabbling in

this ancient mindfulness technique

called unfuckification.

Oh my god, it's so effective. You can

buy it home.

The way it works, right, is every time

you think something shitty about

yourself, you consciously intercept that

thought, and you think the opposite

instead. So, you might be thinking, "You

will never fulfill your true potential."

Just ignore that my inner monologue has

the voice of Bane from The Dark Knight

Rises.

So, you're thinking, "You will never

fulfill your true potential.

Then you'll die alone in a motel room in

Florida [snorts]

choking on a cauliflower burrito while

watching Antiques Roadshow."

>> [laughter]

>> And then you intercept that thought, and

you think the opposite, like, "Your

choice to be vegan makes you better than

everyone else."

Very exciting to be here in America.

I've spent a lot of time in America the

last few years. Um

this is where I've been touring mostly.

The The This is why I decided to shoot

my special here, because I've been

touring here so much. Um

Interesting time to be here. Um

Little tense. A little bit tense.

People are still very friendly, even

here in Brooklyn. People have been so

nice to me. Um although, you know how

little kids, when they experience

something for the first time, they put

it in their mouth to figure out what it

is?

I never grew out of that.

>> [laughter]

>> So, anytime I meet someone new, as I'm

shaking their hand, I just slowly force

their hand

into my mouth. Oh, it's so nice TO MEET

YOU.

AND PEOPLE IN NEW York love that [ __ ]

>> [applause]

>> But you are an active people, the

Americans. You're very enthusiastic

as a culture. You know, you talk big and

you follow through, even on the horrible

[ __ ] You know what I mean?

>> [laughter]

>> I'm from Australia. We are far more

passive-aggressive than active, because

we are riddled with colonial guilt.

You guys just ignore your colonial

guilt.

We wear ours like an uncomfortable

jacket. So, therefore, Australians talk

big, but we don't really follow through.

You want some examples? All right, I'll

give you some [ __ ] examples. Um

Here's one. Wi-Fi was invented by an

Australian, and you can't [ __ ] GET IT

ANYWHERE IN THAT COUNTRY.

YOU WANT ANOTHER ONE? I'LL GIVE you

another one.

The black box flight recorder was

invented by an Australian. Australia

hasn't had a plane crash since.

>> [laughter]

>> You want another one? I'll give you

another one. Um

Gardasil was invented by an Australian.

The revolutionary HPV vaccine that

protects women against three-quarters of

all cervical cancers, and yet Australia

is still full OF SICK [ __ ]

>> [laughter]

[applause]

[cheering]

[applause]

>> BUT THESE DAYS, WHEN I GO home to

Australia, the question I get asked most

is, "Randy, you goddamn Adonis, how do

you stay so [ __ ] shredded?"

Two words, my friends. Introductory

offer.

I'm a touring comedian. I am always on

the road, and every single city in the

world has fitness studios with heavily

discounted or free classes for

first-time attendees. I [gasps] mean, if

you plan ahead, sign up using the

address of a nearby Starbucks, YOU CAN

SUCK A TOWN DRY, BERNIE. [screaming]

>> [cheering]

[applause]

>> GOT TO KEEP THIS [ __ ] TIGHT. [snorts]

I have routines on the road that I do to

keep me sane, you know? For example,

I've been doing the same thing after

every show for the last 20 years. I have

a very specific post-show routine. What

I do, right, is after every show, I

immediately exit the venue via the

nearest fire escape, gently run back to

my hotel just going,

"WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

GET BACK TO THE HOTEL, KICK THE DOOR OF

THE HOTEL room open, always with the

left foot for some reason, strip

completely

naked, spend 47 minutes whipping

>> [laughter]

>> I intend on reenacting the entire 47

minutes.

And then I slip into my favorite silk

kimono, which has pictures of my own

face on it.

And then I leave my hotel room, and I

spend the rest of the night slowly

stalking the corridors of the hotel,

removing do not disturb signs from all

the door handles.

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> You got to find ways to unwind. You know

what I mean?

You've got to celebrate your wins. You

have to enjoy it when things go well.

You know, that is a lesson I think I

probably learned too late in life. I

never used to enjoy it when things went

well for me. Never used to celebrate my

victories. I preferred to marinate in my

own failures overnight in the

refrigerator,

lying there in the darkness at 3:00 a.m.

under plastic wrap like a shame-riddled

chicken breast.

>> [laughter]

[gasps]

>> Oh, no.

>> [panting]

[sighs]

>> Oh, no.

>> [laughter]

>> Oh, no.

>> [laughter]

>> But then I realized that artistic

failure is nothing more than a

capitalist illusion perpetuated by

parasitic ticketing companies who trap

artists in a cycle of perpetual output

in order to sell booze and

[clears throat] buffalo wings to

anxious, disenfranchised, and horny

sapiens.

>> [cheering]

[applause]

>> Sapiens, by the way, sapiens whose

convenient and immediate access to

distraction has destroyed their

tolerance for discomfort to a level

where anything even approaching boredom

is met with a junkie-like impatience for

instant gratification.

And then I confronted the reality that

in that analogy,

I'm a drug dealer.

>> [laughter]

>> Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm just out there

lacing the algorithm with lazy crowd

work STREET GRADE FENTANYL. YEAH, CUZ

YOU GOT TO GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY

WANT, DON'T YOU? COME ON. TAKE THAT, YOU

DOPAMINE JUNKIE [ __ ] YEAH.

Living in this self-aware dystopia where

the world is run by a handful of badly

drawn cartoon villains who also have

minions, but their minions are a bunch

of single white men in their mid-20s who

worship meta, have a go bag full of

semi-automatic weapons, and

involuntarily ejaculate every time A

CYBERTRUCK DRIVES PAST.

>> [applause and cheering]

>> SEE, MINIONS does translate everywhere.

And then

I discovered that the precise moment IN

HISTORY WHEN ALL of humanity collapsed

into spiritual corruption

coincides perfectly with the appearance

of the first banana.

>> [laughter]

>> Yeah, look, I'm not sure what you

thought the show was going to be about,

but I'm guessing from your response, not

that.

You better settle the [ __ ] in, my

friends, cuz from here on out it is

essentially a 58-minute banana lecture.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yes. [cheering]

Embrace it. Embrace it.

>> [applause]

>> And to really understand the true depth

of this banana conspiracy,

we need to travel back in time

to 10,000

years ago

to the jungles of Southeast Asia.

Nearby glaciers are retreating.

The temperature is rising, and they

That's too loud. Turn it off. Because

it's distracting.

Stop the track. It's distracting.

Stop it.

[ __ ]

>> [screaming]

[cheering]

>> So, 10,000 years ago

>> [applause and cheering]

>> in the jungles of Southeast Asia, this

new species of plant just began

appearing. These giant unruly green

leaves erupting like dreadlocks on a

white bass player in a [ __ ] funk band.

As the plant develops, it grows flowers,

which when pollinated develop tiny

seeds.

Now, at this stage, the seeds are

nothing more than a collection of cells

incapable of conscious thought. But if

you squished one, you could still face

criminal charges in 19 American states.

As the

>> [laughter]

>> What was that [ __ ] reaction, New

York?

PEOPLE GOING

>> [groaning]

>> AND THEN LIKE four people going, "He

just stated a true fact." That's what

that was.

Just Jesus Christ.

Okay.

So, as the plant develops

I I I I do have to say, I am enjoying

driving around America once again

playing my favorite game, pro-life

[snorts] billboard bingo.

>> [laughter]

>> It's so much fun.

If I get three fetuses in a row, I'm

allowed to pull over and eat a Cliff

Bar.

>> [cheering]

[laughter]

>> So, as the plant develops

>> [laughter]

>> the flowers Actually, you know what my

favorite billboard

>> [laughter]

>> My favorite billboard is It's just

outside of Philadelphia. It's on the

road from Philly to Pittsburgh. Huge

billboard on the side of the road, and

it just says, "We save the whales and

the trees, but not our unborn children.

Sad."

>> [laughter]

>> Where does one begin unpacking that

[ __ ]

Firstly, I'm sorry. WE'RE SAVING THE

WHALES AND THE TREES NOW?

I MISSED THAT Zoom meeting.

>> [laughter]

>> Perhaps I was out at the time having an

abortion.

So

So, as the plant develops

>> [laughter]

>> the flowers themselves, they transform

into these hand-like clusters with

multiple fingers reaching in the

direction of the sun like an Airbnb host

installing a camera above a shower.

And these fingers go by many names, my

friends.

But I have only ever known them by one

name. And that name is

banana.

>> [music]

[singing]

[applause]

[applause]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[cheering]

[applause]

[laughter]

[cheering]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[cheering]

[laughter]

>> Oh, that is awesome.

You know, now if anything goes wrong in

the show, I'll just be like, "Look at

that."

Oh, you didn't think that was funny? HOW

ABOUT THAT?

>> [cheering]

>> I'LL BE BREAKING BANANA IN CASE OF

EMERGENCY TONIGHT, my friends.

Look, it might sound crazy, but

everything on planet Earth was going

just fine until the goddamn banana

showed up. It was four and a half

billion years of symbiotic simplicity,

and then it went bananas, crops,

permanent settlements, animal

agriculture, disease, slavery, famine,

war, economics, and the state of the

traffic in Brooklyn. Am I right, folks?

Am I right?

>> [laughter]

>> Local reference.

But it all started with the [ __ ]

banana.

And do we even actually know what

bananas even actually are even actually

even?

>> [laughter]

>> Did you know that bananas are classified

as a berry?

OH, I [ __ ] DIDN'T.

>> [laughter]

>> DID YOU KNOW THAT BANANA trees are

classified AS A HERB?

[ __ ]

>> [laughter]

>> THE CONFIDENCE with Yes.

[ __ ] you.

If [laughter] somebody appeared on this

stage right now, held up a banana, and

said, "Oh, look, uh picked this berry

from a herb." You would assassinate

them.

>> [laughter]

>> Also, every banana that you buy off the

shelf is a clone. They are not

fertilized. They are certainly not

pollinated. They come from replanted

shoots pulled from the base of other

members of the same crop.

BANANAS ARE THE PRODUCT of incest.

Next time you put a banana into your

mouth, just imagine choking down the

putrid [ __ ] of your creepiest uncle.

>> [cheering]

>> You're welcome.

Hello there. What's your name?

Britney. Britney? Yeah. Hello Britney.

Hello.

How are you? I'm good. That's good.

You're allergic TO BANANAS?

OH MY GOD.

>> [applause and cheering]

>> THIS IS THE PERFECT SHOW FOR YOU.

What happens if you consume a banana? I

get really bad heartburn, itchy throat.

It doesn't send me to the hospital, so

I'll do it every once in a while. It

doesn't send you to the hospital. That's

the That's a motto for life, isn't it?

It doesn't send me to hospital, so I'll

do it every once in a while.

THAT'S THE WAY TO LIVE, BRITNEY. YOU'RE

LIVING IT. YOU'RE LIVING THE DREAM.

BRITNEY, what did you do today? I

studied ancient Roman coins.

Oh my [ __ ] god.

You know, sometimes you do crowd work

and people in the front row just give

you [ __ ] nothing. And then, on the

odd occasion, you happen to be filming

the show for the special, somebody

appears who studies ancient Roman coins.

>> [laughter]

>> And you already know they're going to be

immortalized for the rest of their lives

in this special. Unless I completely

[ __ ] up this crowd work, which could

happen. It could happen.

You study ancient Roman coins. Why?

Have we not already found out all we

need to know from the ancient Roman

coin? Not even close. What more is there

to be learned from the ancient Roman

coin? When were they made, where were

they made, why were they made? When?

What are they made of? Oh, yes.

Okay. Are there a varying different

>> Yeah. things you make they were made out

of different things? They're something

Where were they made? Ancient Rome,

probably.

Why were they made? I'd say currency,

potentially.

I've answered two of the questions. YOU

COULD HAVE TAKEN HALF OF THE DAY OFF.

>> [applause]

>> OH MY GOD.

>> [cheering]

>> OKAY. IS EVERYONE FAMILIAR WITH THE term

playing second banana?

>> [cheering]

>> You know that phrase? It's It's an old

showbiz phrase, if you've never heard it

before. It refers to a subordinate

character who is playing a secondary

role in support of the lead actor. You

know, the lead actor, the more

attractive, higher paid, more popular

member of the cast. Cheekbones,

Scientology, [ __ ]

>> [laughter]

>> In this case, the lead actor is the

first banana. And that is a role that we

are all conditioned to aspire to. Taught

from a young age to always reach for the

best looking banana first, and to do

whatever it takes to become that first

banana, at the expense of everything and

everyone else. Because nobody wants to

be SECOND BANANA. NOBODY WANTS TO be Art

Garfunkel, Ashley Simpson, or Jeremy bin

Laden.

Let alone third or fourth banana. Oh,

no. Get left in the fruit bowl too long,

I get all bruised and stinky.

But you don't get thrown out, do you?

Oh, no. You get PUT IN THE FREEZER ON

THE OFF chance that one day, maybe,

someone will put you in a smoothie or

use you to make some banana bread. Yeah,

but that never happens, does it? No, you

just stay in there for years, stuck to

the back of the freezer, covered in

frost HARDER THAN CHISELED GRANITE,

GOING, "I COULD HAVE BEEN A DOCTOR!"

>> [screaming]

[applause]

[applause]

>> AND YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT JUST SHOW

business where people have first banana

energy. You'll see people on the streets

with first banana energy. Like these

people who drive around on motorcycles

with inbuilt stereo systems.

I DON'T APPROVE OF THAT. SOME MAN DROVE

PAST ME TODAY ON A MOTORCYCLE just

cranking tunes at full volume. I was

like, "Not in my society."

>> [laughter]

>> If you like the Red Hot Chili PEPPERS

THAT MUCH, BUY SOME HEADPHONES OR A CAR!

>> [screaming]

[laughter]

[applause]

>> BUT I WOULD ARGUE THAT EVERYONE IN THIS

ROOM, at one time or another, has

aspired to become first banana. I know I

have. I mean, I was almost cast in the

lead role for the Ridley Scott film

Alien Covenant.

>> [laughter]

>> But I shall never speak of that.

But if you have wanted to become first

banana, you also need to acknowledge

that the pursuit of becoming first

banana is the root of all of the world's

problems. Capitalism,

imperialism,

toxic masculinity, that whole "My banana

is bigger than your banana"

[ __ ]

Some of you are on board, everybody else

just going, "Um,

>> [laughter]

>> are we about to be lectured

on problematic masculinity by a

dick-shaped cis man?"

>> [applause and cheering]

>> YES.

LOOK, JUST TO BE CLEAR, just to clarify,

I like being a man. I like all the

beautiful things that come with being a

man.

>> [snorts]

>> Like the soothing scent of stale tobacco

on the fat fingers of a barber during a

straight razor beard shave.

>> [snorts]

>> Papa.

>> [laughter]

>> I love the joy of being punched in the

face at a sporting event. Or the thrill

of taking a [ __ ] in a public bathroom

and having your naked penis make

accidental contact with the inside of

the TOILET BOWL. AH!

AH, NUMMY NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM.

OH, YEAH, love that. Just

>> [laughter]

>> No.

No.

>> [laughter]

>> My dick's in the Dyson air dryer, if you

didn't

If you didn't pick up on that.

Look, I acknowledge [clears throat] that

men have a number of honorable and

redeeming qualities. It's just that I

think they probably get enough airtime,

you know? We've all seen Keanu Reeves

shoot someone in the face at close

range. I mean,

it's poetry.

439

kills by John Wick is impressive by

anyone's standards. But we can't all be

mass-murdering pacifists.

>> [applause]

>> Some of us have to study Roman coins.

>> [applause]

>> The scariest thing that ever happened to

me, uh, in America, happened here in

Brooklyn. I was Last time I was staying

in Brooklyn, I was staying on the fourth

floor of this apartment building. And I

got home late one night. Uh, it was 2:30

a.m. when I climbed into bed.

My bedroom light was off. My bedroom

window was open.

And from downstairs, outside, on the

street, I heard

dang dang dang dang dang dang dang dang

dang dang dang dang dang dang dang dang

dang dang dang. There was an ice cream

truck coming down the street at 2:30

a.m.

Playing the music. It is THE MOST

SINISTER [ __ ] I'VE EVER experienced in

my life.

>> [laughter]

>> Who the [ __ ] is buying ice cream at 2:30

a.m.? The ghosts OF 1950S POLIO

CHILDREN?

>> [cheering]

>> SHOCKING.

>> [laughter]

>> SHOCKING.

I DID go downstairs and get some ice

cream, though.

>> [applause]

>> They didn't have any banana flavor,

though, unfortunately.

You know that bananas used to taste

gross?

Do you guys like the taste of bananas?

Yeah, apart from apart from you down

there, Britney. Everybody else?

I think what a lot of people don't

realize is that millennia before they

were the delicious treats they are

today, bananas were virtually inedible.

They were chalky, stinky little

cylinders of filth filled with all sorts

of yucky innards. They were the early

human equivalent of a Subway sandwich.

And then we started interbreeding them,

cross-pollinating

them, transforming them into the fruit

equivalent of a pug dog.

>> [laughter]

>> Useless.

Useless.

>> [sighs and gasps]

[laughter]

>> Tasty little flesh nugget.

>> [screaming]

>> So once humans had genetically modified

the living [ __ ] out of the banana, we

started trading it out of South East

Asia and into the Middle East and into

Africa. And then one day a group of

innocent Portuguese and Spanish sailors

who were on a respectful sightseeing

expedition to the area

ate the bananas and were instantly

overcome with an overwhelming desire for

world domination.

And it is to that precise moment in

history we can now definitively trace

the origin of colonialism.

Now

I got to say I have said that on stage

in Spain and Portugal they thought it

was [ __ ] hilarious.

>> [laughter]

>> Every time I say it in America you guys

are like no no

Look.

I'm sure I don't need to remind any of

you that vaginal yeast grows at an

optimum temperature of 91 to 100 degrees

Fahrenheit.

>> [laughter]

>> SO TOO DOES THE BANANA.

AND IT WAS SOON discovered that Central

America and the Caribbean has the ideal

semi-tropical climate for growing

bananas. And that is what led to the

United States of America formally

adopting your now famous motto

CAN WE MAKE MONEY OFF THIS?

>> [applause]

[cheering]

>> ENTER UNITED Fruit Company, a plucky

little American corporation who started

out with a handful of banana plants in

Honduras and quickly expanded into

millions of acres of plantations,

operations in 22 countries, and a habit

of banning unions, bribing governments,

and occasionally massacring their entire

workforce.

Yeah, think Amazon with better working

conditions.

>> [laughter]

>> Now,

it's important to remember at this point

in history that Europeans and Americans

did not give two flying [ __ ] about

bananas, okay? You guys were knee-deep

in apples and peaches. THERE WERE PIES.

THERE WERE PIES JUST CALLING ON EVERY

WINDOWSILL.

You didn't need some tropical dick berry

stinking up the house.

So United Fruit started marketing

bananas as a health food. They are the

ones who convinced the American public

that bananas were crucial to a healthy

lifestyle. I mean, who among us could

forget the famous 1898 advertising

campaign

Are you eating bananas or are YOU A

[ __ ] [ __ ]

>> [screaming]

[laughter]

>> AND IT IS TO THAT PRECISE moment in

history we can now definitively trace

the origin of subliminal advertising.

>> [laughter]

>> Yeah. [applause]

And it worked. It actually worked.

Bananas started making an obscene amount

of money. And when the United States

government realized that they needed to

protect this now valuable resource, they

sent in the Marines and then later they

sent in the CIA AND [ __ ] GOT REAL.

And these conflicts became known as the

Banana Wars. And in the span of around

60 years an entire region was reshaped.

REBELS AND DICTATORS ROSE AND FELL.

GOVERNMENTS TOPPLED.

Fortunes were made.

And 100,000

people died.

All in the name OF THE HUMBLE

>> [singing]

[music]

[cheering]

[laughter]

[screaming]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[cheering]

[applause]

>> I'M WORRIED ABOUT US AS A SPECIES. I

really am.

Jesus, we should be exploring space with

the dolphins right now.

>> [laughter]

>> God damn it, instead you're all in here

just going here look at the banana.

It's yellow. It's yellow.

This is worse than the time I was almost

cast in the lead role for the Ridley

Scott film Alien Covenant.

But I shall never speak of that.

>> [laughter]

>> Shut up.

Who even are you people?

Who comes to see this?

>> [laughter]

>> What what life choices have you made?

Where did you Where did EVERYBODY FIND

WHO FOUND me on social media? Who found

me on social media?

>> [cheering]

>> Yeah.

Yeah.

See, this is an interesting time for me

because um I used to do jokes about how

much I hate social media and now it's

literally how I sell all of my tickets.

Yeah, which is nice but it's not a good

look, you know, publicly joking about

your repulsion of something and then

winding up loving it. I mean, that'd be

like Ricky Gervais getting [ __ ] by a

trans woman.

>> [laughter]

>> I'd watch that special.

These days when you have an online

profile there's this perception that you

are obligated to speak up, you know, on

topics of social and political and

humanitarian injustice because

entertainers after all are the last

bastion of intelligent discourse.

If you want to listen to some [ __ ]

nerd with dry elbows and a PhD in

political science, be my guest. I prefer

to get my news from Dwayne "The Rock"

Johnson.

But these days choosing online silence

in the wake of a global atrocity can

make you seem somehow complicit in that

violence. Or at the very least suggest

that you are too gutless to speak out

lest it damage your brand. I mean, I

even get accused of this and look at my

face.

Seriously, who is coming to this as a

reputable source of news?

Hey folks, want to know what's really

going on in the Middle East? Why not ask

me, cocaine grimace?

>> [laughter]

[applause]

>> It's weird, man.

And here's the fact, like in my opinion

social media is not my platform. This is

my platform. And I use social media to

sell tickets to this. And then I take

some of the money from those ticket

sales and I pay a woman named Autumn to

run my social media for me so I never

even have to [ __ ] look at it.

YES.

>> [cheering]

>> AND LOOK

>> [applause]

>> THAT THAT IS A CHOICE and and a

privilege. I'm not passing judgment on

your social media use. Smoke them if you

got them, you know? I know it can be

great for knowledge exchange and

grassroots activism. And I know it's a

literal treasure trove of clips of cops

behaving badly. It's hilarious. But it's

also wall-to-wall advertisements.

Everybody's selling something, including

me. And that [ __ ] with my head when

that is in my pocket. So I need

boundaries, you know? And that's just

me. And I used to have all of the social

media apps on my phone, but I found that

I was constantly checking my posts to

see if they'd been liked. So I hired

Autumn to run it for me and now I am

desperate for her approval.

>> [laughter]

>> What if I was more politically active on

social media though? You know? What if I

wanted to post a story about the use of

turkey and ostrich feathers in the

construction of Big Bird from Sesame

Street?

Yeah yeah, that's not a nice one, is it?

>> [laughter]

>> Did you know that? Oh, did you Yeah

yeah, Big Bird's made of around four or

five thousand real feathers.

Those feathers are replaced

semi-regularly. Big Bird's been around

for 55 years.

We are talking thousands of turkeys,

hundreds of ostriches

dead

in the name Big Bird.

I know it's particularly uncomfortable

for me as a vegan who literally would

not be here were it not for Sesame

Street.

>> [laughter]

>> And look, I know there are a lot of

people who were raised to believe that

Sesame Street is a safe haven and that

Big Bird represents belonging and

celebrates cultural values. And look,

I'm not an anti-Muppet, okay?

SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE MUPPETS.

>> [laughter]

>> Some people even think I'm a Muppet.

I have friends who live on Sesame

Street. And I know for a fact some of

them are uncomfortable with Big Bird,

but they don't feel like they can speak

out against their community.

And people can lose their livelihoods by

speaking out. I could lose mine. Big

Bird has powerful friends.

And I know it can be difficult to change

your thinking when you've been

indoctrinated to see turkeys and

ostriches as nothing more than animals,

but for the rest of us,

I wonder how history will look back on

those of us who knew what was happening

and yet felt it was a conflict of

interest to stand up and call for an

immediate cease feather.

Our children will write songs of our

cowardice.

I don't know. Look, maybe I should be

more politically active on social media.

But if I was, which particular choir

would I be preaching to? Well, in order

to find this out, I had Autumn collect

and analyze all of my social media data

and the result showed that my online

audience skews heavily to

single white men in their mid-20s.

>> [laughter]

>> Devastating.

>> [laughter]

>> All of this time, ALL OF THIS TIME, I

THOUGHT I'D BEEN creating inclusive and

broad-reaching content.

While I was in fact cultivating a

community OF [ __ ] INCELS. [screaming]

>> [applause and cheering]

>> NATURALLY, I took immediate action and

enrolled in a cultural diversity

training program.

I made it halfway through the first

session on unconscious bias,

but there was something annoying about

the teacher I couldn't put my finger on,

so I quit.

>> [laughter]

>> Yeah, that is the best joke in the show.

Thank you.

>> [applause and cheering]

>> But look, I I I

>> [laughter]

>> I had no idea that's who my audience

was. I don't meet those dudes. You know,

they never come up and talk to me. It's

usually just the gender-fluid anime fans

that chase me in the parking lot

to hand me crocheted fan art, you know?

They are the people I meet and let me be

clear, I love those people. THEY ARE MY

PEOPLE. YES. YES.

>> [applause and cheering]

>> YES, BUT THAT'S WHO I THOUGHT MY

AUDIENCE WAS, you know, a bunch of

Phoebes. But it turns out there's all

these single white men sitting at home

on YouTube going,

"Randy's done it again."

>> [laughter]

>> AND IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T APPRECIATE

THEM. IT'S JUST THAT I didn't know they

existed. I never meet them. They never

come and talk to me. Actually, that's

not true. Uh last year, I did my first

ever show in Paris in France and after

the show, this young Frenchman waited at

the merch desk until everybody else had

gone home and he waited for me and he

came up to me and he just said, "Randy,

here is a lock of my hair."

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> Uh

merci beaucoup.

>> [laughter]

[applause]

[laughter]

>> But it's the first time I really had TO

CONSIDER MY

>> [clears throat]

[laughter]

>> IT'S THE FIRST TIME I REALLY HAD TO

CONSIDER my audience from that

perspective. I never thought about who

my audience was and thinking about it

really [ __ ] with my head. Seriously, I

became instantly self-conscious and I

started worrying about who I was writing

jokes for, which is a worry because I

got to say I love each and every one of

you. Seriously, I'm so grateful for the

audience that I have. Yeah, I really am.

I I seriously am. YEAH.

YEAH. [applause]

BUT I CANNOT FOR ONE second give a [ __ ]

what any of you think, you know?

We're in trouble if that happens and it

happened and it affected me really

weirdly, man. I I I got self-conscious

and I lost confidence and I I retreated.

I

This is last year. I really kind of had

a downward spiral. Um

kind of lost faith in humanity as a

result, you know? I

I became anxious, disenfranchised and

horny.

My friends and family cut me off and I

retreated to the safety of an online

community

>> [laughter]

>> and quickly fell down the rabbit hole of

banana conspiracy theories.

>> [cheering]

[applause]

[cheering]

>> DID YOU KNOW THAT ON February 3rd, 1975,

the CEO of United Fruit Company, a man

named Eli Black, threw himself off the

44th floor of the Pan American building

in New York City?

Was it because he was implicated in

bribing the Honduran government or did

somebody push him? I DON'T KNOW.

[screaming] YOU TELL ME.

>> [laughter]

>> All I know for a fact is in the late

'60s, years before his death, Eli

Black's construction company, AMF, was

awarded the contract to build THE WORLD

TRADE Center and Eli Black personally

oversaw the construction of the Twin

Towers structural steel work.

Inside job? I DON'T KNOW. YOU TELL ME.

[screaming]

>> [laughter]

>> ALL I KNOW FOR A FACT IS Eli Black's

son, a man named Leon Black, is the

co-founder of Apollo Global Management,

a private equity giant who manage over

700

billion dollars in assets.

And in March 2021,

Leon Black stepped down as Apollo's CEO

and chairman after a board investigation

discovered he had paid over 150 million

dollars in undisclosed FEES

TO JEFFREY EPSTEIN. COINCIDENCE? I DON'T

KNOW. YOU TELL ME.

HERE'S THE TRUTH, SHEEPLE, if you're

ready to [ __ ] hear it.

>> [laughter]

>> The world is run by a small group of

elites who use bananas to manipulate

mainstream media, education systems, the

military and the economy to create a

centralized government of total global

control while SIMULTANEOUSLY [ __ ] THE

TRAFFIC IN BROOKLYN.

>> [laughter]

>> WHAT A GOLD REFERENCE CALLBACK.

>> [applause]

>> IT'S always been the bananas.

And bananas have been hiding in plain

sight this whole time.

And it starts

Just ignore the gaffer tape on the

banana.

>> [laughter]

>> It starts

by indoctrinating

the children.

>> [laughter]

>> Ah, don't believe me? Okay.

What is the highest-grossing children's

animated film of all time?

Despicable Me, featuring little yellow

minion freaks whose favorite food just

happens TO BE BANANA.

MOST popular Nintendo Switch game OF ALL

TIME? MARIO KART. IT'S FULL OF BANANAS.

HMM. MOST POPULAR COMFORT FOOD FOR

CHILDREN? MCDONALD'S.

TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT THE GOLDEN ARCHES.

[screaming]

>> [applause]

>> HERE'S A SCIENTIFIC FACT. Humans share

around 25% of their genes with bananas.

That's a scientific fact. Why? Because

10,000 years ago, a race of

shape-shifting reptilians created

bananas using THE GENETIC MAKEUP OF OUR

ANCESTORS.

WE ARE THE FIRST BANANA. [screaming]

>> FORTNITE IS FULL OF BANANAS.

THE WINNER OF RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE WAS A

BANANA-THEMED DRAG QUEEN.

>> [screaming]

[laughter]

>> IT HAS TO BE THE BANANAS.

>> [laughter]

>> IT HAS TO be the banana.

It has to be the banana.

It has to be the banana.

>> [laughter]

>> Because otherwise

otherwise we're living in a world where

the temperature is rising

the oceans are dying

children are starving

and we put profits ahead of people and

the planet every single time.

Why would anyone in their right mind

allow that to happen?

It has to be the bananas.

It is the only rational explanation.

And once I learned the truth, I knew I

had to share it.

But how?

How to get the truth out there?

Then it occurred to me.

Did I not already have a captive

audience of the most easily influenced

demographic on the planet?

THE YOUNG WHITE MAN!

>> [applause]

>> WHAT?

WHY?

YES!

WHY WOULD I WASTE MY time actively

trying to diversify my audience when I

could simply take my existing fan base

and radicalize them?

This is not a comedy show, it's a

[ __ ] recruitment drive. WHO'S WITH

ME?

>> [screaming]

>> YES!

>> [cheering]

>> YEAH!

>> [applause]

[applause]

>> IT WAS 2016 WHEN I WAS ALMOST cast in

the lead role for the Ridley Scott film

Alien: Covenant.

2016 was a weird year. Look, listen,

before I tell this story, this is the

story that I do the 3:00 a.m. shame

marinade in the refrigerator for. This

is the

>> [laughter]

>> This is the

Actually, you know what? I actually

think it's worse than that. I think this

is my 2:00 in the afternoon strolling

casually THROUGH THE SUPERMARKET

[ __ ] IT'S THAT ONE.

It's that one.

>> [laughter]

>> Okay, so I'm going to tell the story,

but I need your support, okay? Cuz this

is some [ __ ] up [ __ ] All right, so

2016, YOU REMEMBER 2016? 2016 was a

weird year, man. Some crazy [ __ ]

happened, like the UK left the European

Union, um Pokémon Go was walking people

into oncoming traffic

and I was a young, bright-eyed,

bushy-tailed, 36-year-old, overconfident

comedian living in Australia desperate

to become first banana. So

when I heard that Ridley Scott was

coming to Australia to film his brand

new movie Alien: Covenant and that they

were auditioning stunt people to play

the actual alien, my first thought was,

"This is it.

This could be my big break."

And in hindsight, my first thought

should have been, "I've never DONE A

STUNT IN MY [ __ ] LIFE."

>> [laughter]

>> BUT SOMEHOW I booked a stunt audition

and I was supremely confident until I

met Nikos, the stunt coordinator who was

running the audition. Huge man, chiseled

jaw, rippling biceps. He looked like

he'd just eaten Chris Hemsworth

and then shat out Liam Hemsworth.

And as soon as I met him, goddamn I

wanted to impress this man so much.

[ __ ] I wanted Nikos to love me. I

really wanted him to just love me. But I

was completely out of my depth cuz he

just threw me straight into a stunt

routine. Again, never done a stunt in my

[ __ ] life, but he was like, "Randy,

over here. With me. Randy, with me.

Here's what I want TO SEE. FORWARD

SHOULDER ROLL INTO A CROUCH. LOOK LEFT,

look right, lizard crawl across the

floor, jump on a box from a standing

start, take a bullet, SPIN, FALL

BACKWARDS, ROLL TO STANDING, take a

punch, SNAP BACK, TAKE TWO BULLETS, JAB,

JAB, and then chase a casting assistant

up a set of stairs.

You got that, Randy?"

Oh, yes, Nikos, that's a classic

routine. We've all done that one.

I did not know what I was doing. I did

not want to do it.

But Nikos was looking at me.

>> [laughter]

>> So I did it and I just pretended that I

wasn't having a [ __ ] brain aneurysm.

>> [laughter]

>> Now, Nikos made me do that routine three

times in a row and I was exhausted

and then he made me do it two more times

while wearing a 30 kg weight vest.

Yeah, and if you're struggling with the

weight conversion, that is the

equivalent of having 30 Algerian

hedgehogs strapped to your chest.

Super cute, but real hard for stunt

work.

I did NOT WANT TO DO IT.

BUT NIKOS WAS LOOKING AT ME.

>> [laughter]

>> So I did it and I just pretended that I

wasn't having a rectal prolapse.

Now

>> [laughter]

>> I got to level with you. On the day of

the audition, I felt like I was getting

sick, right? Before I even walked into

the room, I was under the weather,

right? And at this point in the

audition, I was [ __ ] I was sweating,

I was shaking, I was nauseous, I could

hardly breathe and I was like, "Okay,

this dream is dead. I need to tell Nikos

that I have no business being here."

But then

Nikos brought out

the xenomorph head.

The actual alien head from the alien

movies and HE PUT IT ON MY HEAD.

YEAH, AND IF YOU can't picture it, just

imagine another entire me sideways on my

own head.

>> [laughter]

>> Can I just check in here? Has anybody

not seen the alien movies?

You haven't? I won't make fun of you. I

just need to take a poll of the room.

Anyone not seen the alien films?

Yeah? But you know what I'm talking

about, yeah? You know the alien, the

famous alien with the long head, yeah?

Looks like a banana. Why does it look

like a banana? Why does it look like a

banana?

>> [laughter]

>> But you've never seen the films?

No. Oh, [ __ ]

I don't want anybody to feel left out.

You've been such an amazing audience. I

can't end the show with you not feeling

included. Um

Uh I [ __ ] it. I'll

I'll just do a quick summary of the

entire alien franchise. Okay, here we

go. Here we go.

>> [cheering and applause]

>> Yeah. Yeah.

Um

Okay, so

it's in space. It's in space. Um

I'm not going to tell you the plot. I'm

just going to do some of my favorite

lines in semi-chronological order.

>> [laughter]

>> You can just fill in the rest, okay?

Here we go.

It's a distress signal. There's some

sort of eggs OR SOMETHING. FACE HUGGER!

>> [laughter]

>> I'M FINE. CHEST BURSTER! IT'S USING THE

AIR SHAFT.

>> [screaming]

[groaning]

>> I'M THE ONLY SURVIVOR.

>> [snorts]

>> I'M not going back. I'm going back.

We're pretty. It's game over, man. Get

away FROM HER, YOU [ __ ]

>> [screaming]

>> IT'S A PENAL COLONY. HERE, KITTY, KITTY,

KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY. You've been

in my life so long, I can't REMEMBER

ANYTHING ELSE.

>> [screaming]

>> WHEN I'M ON THE RIDER

PREDATOR

>> [screaming]

>> AND THEN I THINK SHE [ __ ] one of them

for some reason.

That's it. That's the whole thing. OKAY.

[cheering]

>> [applause]

[cheering]

>> THAT BIT AT THE END THERE, THAT LITTLE

THAT WAS ME accepting my Oscar.

So I'm wearing the head.

And

>> [laughter]

>> there's no eyes. The alien doesn't have

any eyes. So, I can't see anything in

the head. So, what they do, right, is

there's a camera in the nose of the head

with a cable that leads to a pair of

goggles. So, I have a vision feed of

what's happening in front of the alien,

which sounds amazing, but it is a shitty

black and white doorbell cam

with a 2-second delay. It is the most

disorientating experience. [laughter]

I have no idea what's happening out

there.

But, it's still very cool to be wearing

a piece of actual cinematic history.

A beautifully designed,

surprisingly heavy,

very expensive piece of cinematic

history.

So, I did the entire routine again

wearing the head,

and they filmed it,

and then

they let me watch it back.

>> [laughter]

>> You know those YouTube videos of people

wearing VR headsets for the first time?

And like running face-first into walls?

>> [laughter]

>> They look GRACEFUL COMPARED TO WHAT I

WAS DOING.

OH MY GOD, I TOOK THE HEAD off and there

was just this general vibe in the room

like, "Oh, Randy didn't quite nail that

one, did he?"

But, sometimes you need to see what

you're doing to know what you need to

change. And I was like, "Oh!

Oh, I get it now. Please, Nikos. Nikos,

please.

Please, give me one more shot, Nikos."

And to his credit, Nikos gave me one

more shot. And even though I was

exhausted and sweating and shaking and

nauseous, and I could hardly breathe, I

gave it every scrap of energy I had

left. I put everything I had left into

this performance. Complete commitment. I

was whipping my imaginary alien tail

around. I was even doing that arms out

the back thing that aliens do.

>> [screaming]

[applause]

>> And when I was done,

I took off the head, and Nikos was

applauding.

And for the first time in my life,

I felt LIKE THE FIRST BANANA.

>> [cheering]

[applause]

>> AND THEN NIKOS SAID, "I've called the

producers. They'll be here in 2 minutes

to watch you do it again."

And I wanted TO KILL MYSELF.

>> [laughter]

>> AND NIKOS was looking at me.

So, I said, "Oh! Wha- Why, yes, Nikos.

I would LOVE TO DO THAT AGAIN. You know,

I THINK IT MIGHT BE MY NEW FAVORITE

thing to do.

Would you excuse ME A MOMENT WHILE I USE

THE RESTROOM FACILITIES?"

>> [laughter]

>> HA!

HA!

>> [laughter]

>> HA!

>> [laughter]

>> HA!

AND I went into the bathroom and I put

my entire head in the sink just to pour

cold water on the back of my neck. I was

just trying to cool down because I was

sweating and I was shaking and I was

nauseous. I COULD HARDLY BREATHE. I had

a crazy pain in my side for some reason.

And I should have just ended it there. I

should have stopped right there. But,

instead, I looked at myself in that

bathroom mirror, slapped myself across

the face, and said,

"Are you an alien or ARE YOU A [ __ ]

PUSSY?"

>> [screaming]

[applause]

[cheering]

>> YES.

SO, I WENT BACK OUT THERE. I shook the

producers' hands. I put on the

hedgehogs. I put on the head.

They called action, and I went FOR IT.

FORWARD SHOULDER ROLL INTO A CROUCH.

LOOK LEFT. LOOK RIGHT. LIZARD CRAWL

ACROSS THE FLOOR. JUMP ON A BOX. TAKE A

BULLET. SPIN. FALL BACKWARDS. ROLL TO

STANDING. TAKE A PUNCH. SLAP BACK. TAKE

TWO BULLETS. JAB. JAB. VOMIT INTO THE

ALIEN HEAD.

>> [screaming]

[laughter]

>> CHASE A CASTING ASSISTANT UP A set of

stairs

>> [laughter]

>> with vomit cascading down my body.

Slip in the vomit. Smash the alien head

face-first into the stairs, destroying

the camera, destroying the head,

destroying my future in the film

industry.

Nikos was not impressed.

>> [laughter]

>> And I felt sick to my stomach.

And I later found out that was at least

partly due to an abscess that I had

growing on my spleen at the time, for

which I was then hospitalized for 6

weeks until they cut my spleen out.

That is a true story.

And I got to tell you, it does nothing

to lessen the humiliation.

The knowledge that I had a parasite

growing in MY STOMACH DURING MY [ __ ]

ALIEN AUDITION!

>> [applause]

[cheering]

[applause]

>> SO, NOW I AM HAPPY TO be known as Randy

the crazy banana guy.

Because all the banana facts in this

show are true. Bananas are a tool of

global manipulation. You'll never eat

one again without thinking of your

creepy uncle. And pug dogs are actually

a tropical fruit. SO, WHY NOT BLAME the

end of the world [singing] on bananas?

It's as tangible AS ANYTHING ELSE.

WHEN THE world feels like a flaming PILE

OF [ __ ] BLAME BANANAS.

AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE [music] or how

or WHY YOU FIT, BLAME BANANAS. WHEN THE

AUDIENCE WON'T JOIN [music] in with your

song, BLAME BANANAS.

WHEN CLEARLY THEY are meant to sing

along. COME ON. BLAME BANANAS.

EVERY TIME SOMEONE LOOKS [music] AT YOU

THE WRONG WAY. Every time you have a

feeling that you can't explain. Every

time you need to find a place to lay the

blame, BLAME BANANAS.

>> [music]

>> ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE ADDICTED TO

FENTANYL. BLAME BANANAS.

SOME PEOPLE [music] STILL HAVE RESPECT

FOR J.K. ROWLING. BLAME BANANAS.

I USE EMOJIS [music] IN my emails. Blame

bananas.

And and [ __ ] I don't know.

CANCER. BLAME BANANAS.

>> [music]

>> WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU A LEMON and you

don't know how to make lemonade.

When you're trying to make sense of [ __ ]

that doesn't make sense,

>> [music]

>> BLAME BANANAS.

SO, NOW, MY FRIENDS, YOU CAN JUST LET IT

all go. All the fear. All the hatred.

NOW YOU KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT BANANAS,

you are free!

>> [music]

>> So, next time you're feeling anxious,

disenfranchised, and horny, YOU KNOW WHO

TO BLAME, MY FRIENDS. YOU KNOW WHO TO

BLAME.

>> 1 2 3 NOW, EVERY TIME someone looks at

you the wrong way. [music] Every time

you have a feeling that you can't

explain. Every time you place to lay the

blame, BLAME BANANAS.

COME ON!

>> [music]

>> [ __ ] YEAH!

WE DID IT!

THANK YOU!

GOOD NIGHT!

>> [cheering]

[applause]

[music]

>> I

HAVE TRIED

TO BE an independent [singing]

artist

all

my life.

My integrity [singing]

meant the world to me, but now I take

all my cues

from comments [singing]

left on YouTube.

You got to give the people

what [music] they want.

What they want.

What they want. You got to give [music]

the people what they want.

What they want. [music]

What they want.

I

>> [music]

>> arrived.

And now I'm cornering [singing] the

market.

>> [music]

>> But, now I'm dead

inside.

I do not [music and singing]

expect industry respect. I prefer the

love of strangers. You got to give the

people

what they want.

>> [music]

>> What they want.

What they want.

You got to give the people what they

want.

What they want. [music]

What they want. Give the people

[singing]

what they want.

Give the people what they want.

Follow my [music] cat video.

Give the people what they want. I will

never

give the people what they want.

>> [music]

>> Dance to the algorithm.