Original subtitles

♪♪

Curtis: Drop the body, you sick fuck!

Curtis.

Paul Bunyan. Your 30-year spree of murder, arson,

and cannibalism is over.

[ Chuckles ] But I haven't even had dessert.

Get behind me, sir.

Leprechauns have notoriously sour flesh.

No. Nothing's standing between me and justice.

I'm taking you in. [ Roars ]

[ Grunts ] You folkloric fuck.

[ Yells ]

Ohh! Ow! Shit!

[ Groans ]

Anti-flannel! Stand down, O'Doyle!

The buck stops with me. [ Yells ]

Agh, argh, shit!

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and --

Sir, are you all -- Agh!

Eat ya next time! [ Laughing ]

What goes around, comes around, Bunyan.

[ Gurgles ]

Man, I was worried there for a second.

Just glad we had that obsidian boomerang.

[ Sirens wailing ] And you said it was an impulse buy.

I know what I'm doing, O'Doyle.

You're right, sir. You're so right.

We'll take it from here, sir. Troy. Bob.

I want that bastard's paranormal body tagged and bagged.

The campers, too.

I want to know who they were. I'll call their families myself.

Standard T&B. Got ya, sir.

O'Doyle, call a press conference.

I've got a nation to address.

What? I don't know how to do that.

God damn it, where is my new robot Chief of Staff?

I thought she started today.

It's 5:00 AM, sir. Also, did you say "robot"?

All right, we're tagged and bagged!

Get ready to ship out! Wait. Who's got the head?

I think Mikey does.

He was tagging and bagging by the RV.

Hey, Mikey! You got the head? What?

The head. I got a head!

You do? Oh, yeah. Tagged and bagged!

Good ol' Mikey. Don't get more reliable than that.

All right, boys, that's a wrap! Load out!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Curtis: And so I said to the Senator, I said,

"You kiss your Labrador with that mouth?"

[ Laughs ] Uh-oh. [ Laughs ]

And what did the senator say, sir?

About kissing the Labrador? What?

No, it was a joke, O'Doyle.

He didn't actually kiss the dog. Oh.

What's on the docket today, Banks?

Well, the 4-Score Bill is advancing to Congress.

You know, adding a stone top hat to Lincoln's head

on Mount Rushmore? Oh, this fucking hat, man.

I thought I said we're not doing it.

Even Lincoln's ghost called it stupid.

Yeah, well, the Hatters think you're a big dumb liar

and that being anti-hat is anti-American.

[ Knock on door ] Yes, Janice?

Sir, I've received several calls saying

that Paul Bunyan is back from the dead.

Excuse me? Say what now?

But we killed him 6 to 12 months ago.

Also, he's a tree now.

Holy shit.

Curtis: What is up with his body?

O'Doyle: Wait, why is he still ripped?

Banks: "He tree now?"

Guys! Did you hear about Bunyan??

I told my wife and kid to lock all the doors.

Oh, yep. You're on it.

I guess he's kinda hot for a tree, huh?

Damn, this is blowing up.

The Hatters are really running with it.

He went out there and boxed the guy and surprise, surprise,

Bunyan lived because our president thinks he's Batman.

He lied about Bunyan's head,

and now we're supposed to trust him with Lincoln's?

Curtis can't keep us safe, plain and simple.

This is why we need the hat!

I'm sorry, how does the hat fit into all this?

I'm tired of having my cum taxed!

Okay, so he's just mad.

Banks: Sir, what are you doing?

Going to cuff Bunyan. Hell, yeah!

We are back. I will follow you anywhere, sir.

You can't just do what you did last time.

That will play right into your critics' hands.

You want me to change what I do because people are talking shit?

I'm not going to play 4-D chess with a bunch of assholes

whose baseline is hating me. Tell 'em, sir!

I don't do politics, and I don't play games.

I'm here to protect the people.

Sir, there are multiple ways to win a fight

and not all of them involve punching a face.

Let's be strategic here.

Oh, my God, you sound like my ex-wife.

Beverly? Oh, she's wonderful. Zip it, Chomps!

And, Banks -- you didn't see what I saw.

That piece of shit was eating a soccer mom.

Yeah. Unpleasant.

I have a job to do. And this time, I'll finish it.

Okay, but -- No buts, no cuts, no coconuts.

Let's roll! Not you, though Chomps, you stay here.

Copy that.

♪♪

Paul Bunyan, back from the dead?

Many Americans are locking their doors

as the murderous lumberjack appears to be free once again.

As a tree.

That's right, Mika. Good noticing.

His head has been merged with the one thing he hated most.

Which has left some wondering,

is this actually the Campground Cannibal?

Or is he something else?

Well, he's certainly very hot. Almost as hot as your dad.

And I can say that because I'm your step-sister.

[ Cell phones chime ] Just got an Oval Alert from the White House.

"President Curtis is aware of Paul Bunyan.

You have nothing to fear. He's got this."

Wow. This feels very personal for Curtis.

Remember when he bragged about killing him,

and now he's walking around, not killed at all?

Wow. Wowie wow wow.

Wow.

Okay, Oval Alert is out.

I left off the GIF of you winking over your sunglasses.

What? Who authorized you to leave off the wink?

Not me! Uhp, Bunyan's close.

Tracked him based on the video's metadata, a-thank you.

All right, Banks. Take the wheel. What?! Whoa!

You can't just get up in the middle of a flight, Denzel!

Just keep it steady. I'm going in.

Sir, give me a minute, I'll find a place to land.

We can face him together.

Another minute for him to eat someone? Fuck that.

Great plan, sir. Should I rappel down with you?

I can go piggyback, like we sometimes do.

I'm fine, O'Doyle. I know what I'm doing.

[ Grunts ] Uhp, that's true. He does. He knows what he's doing.

Where are you, you bastard?

[ Beeping ]

Bunyan: If a man falls in the woods,

but no one's around to hear it...

does he make a sound?

Uh-huh. If this is gonna be your whole personality now,

let's hit "skip intro." Mm.

You can't outlive justice, Bunyan.

I'm bringing you in.

Ugh, man!

I should've paid more attention during our lip reading training.

"Smips"? "Smii... Smi..." "Smi-lulu." Nailed it.

Uh, O'Doyle? We got company.

Reporter: There he is. There's Bunyan,

and you can clearly see Curtis facing off with him.

Doing the same thing he did before.

Bunyan is unarmed.

I repeat, there is no ax, just rugged good looks.

They've come to watch you, Curtis.

Should we give them a show?

Uh-huh. You gonna come quietly,

or am I gonna have to mulch your ass?

Or we can do it my way. [ Laughing ]

Agh! Hey! What the hell is this?!

[ Grunts ]

He's making a move!

Agh! Shit! Herbicide!

God damn it, O'Doyle! Shit, shit, shit.

Bunyan! Get back here! You evil bastard!

Running and laughing again!

I got you, you son of a bitch!

You're persistent, I'll give you that.

Ha! Dumbass!

♪♪

It's over, Bunyan. No, Curtis.

It's just beginning. No, no, no, no.

No, no. Don't do it!

Don't you say something cool and then jump!

Timber. God damn it, he did it!

Motherfucker didn't even float!

Come on!

Man: Sir, can you sit still?

I told you, I can do my own stitches.

I just need a tampon and a fish hook.

Feels like that would get infected pretty fast.

But, hey, you're the big "macho" President.

Here's a big Transformers Band-Aid

for our macho President.

What the hell was that about?

Bunyan sympathizer. Fuckin' rat.

As predicted, this is looking unbelievably awful for you, sir.

Don't listen to her. Oh, he's an expert at that.

Case in point. Is Curtis a piece of shit?

That's the question the Hatters are asking.

Thousands are planting trees to protest Curtis'

attack on a super hot and unarmed tree-man.

Think about this -- his greatest enemy

brought him back to life. The Bhattam Line?

If trees forgave Bunyan, maybe we should, too?

Well, he's a tree now,

which means he can photosynthesize food, right?

So are we sure he's even still a cannibal?

Like, was Groot still a cannibal?

Any enemy of Curtis is a friend of mine.

So today I'm gonna show you how to melt down your guns

into a shovel so you can plant a tree.

Will you shut that shit off?

It's not just the Hatters anymore.

We need a different strategy.

It's a free country, Banks. If people want to smoke crack

or plant trees for a cannibal, that's their right.

Sir, crack is illegal. That bill is stuck in the house.

And we don't know he's still a cannibal.

A lot of people think he grew roots to shake your hand.

He's a Goddamn monster, Banks!

He tried to eat me! Glad I acted.

I had it under control, O'Doyle.

He wouldn't have ran if you'd just listened to me.

Any sign of him? Still nothing, sir.

We've got teams scanning the entire river basin.

And I don't mean to sound racist,

but all these trees look alike.

Maybe don't put that in the report. Yes, ma'am.

Finch, how you coming with that anti-Bunyan spray?

It's fascinating, his DNA is almost purely arboreal,

with the exception of one unknown genome.

I call it the Bunyan Factor.

I used that and an old can of Axe Body Spray

to make this anti-foliage mist.

Think Finch! "Agent Auburn"?

It's like Agent Orange, but a bit less toxic.

Well, not to him.

It'll make him bleed goo out of all of his holes.

What the --

Banks, did you call for backup?

No, sir, not unless I sat on my arm HUD again.

Wait. Is that your ex-wife?

Christ, here we go. Bev! Good to see you, Governor!

Only you could look that good coming out of a helicopter.

And only you can look that good in a dirty tank top,

but you know I didn't fly here to flirt.

I figured, but worth a shot.

Andre, do you have any idea where your base camp is?

The woods? Quincy, Illinois.

You're in my state, Andre.

The manhunt crossed state lines,

and I'm pretty sure you know we've got White Flag laws here.

But, Bev -- If any monster or criminal wants to surrender,

they have the legal right to rehabilitation.

General Reese, set up a command station.

Jessica, get me a meeting with the head

of this operation's armed forces.

On it. Yes, ma'am.

Uh, duh-doy.

You don't need a "meeting" with the head of armed forces,

you're talking to him -- he's the Commander in Chief.

O'Doyle. No, no, it's fine.

Been a minute since I've seen you, Francis.

Still provoking my ex-husband to make bad decisions?

Actually, don't answer that.

You just took a shot at an unarmed Botanicoid

and escalated this into a national crisis.

I didn't take the shot. I got the shot.

And how did that go?

It wasn't a particularly strategic move,

but we're regrouping. Banks, right?

Yes, ma'am. Heard about you.

I assume it's your job to pump the breaks

when Andre is punching the gas.

I can neither confirm nor deny that, Governor.

Professional and loyal.

You sure you're working for the right guy?

Okay, you two, enough steely banter.

Bev, I'm always happy to see you,

but I've got this under control.

Andre, with all due respect,

you lost control the minute you showed up in a mech suit.

Listen, I'm not saying Bunyan is good,

but I don't want him dead.

Let me take the lead. We can bring him in together.

[ Sighs ] You're right, Bev. You're right.

You always were my common sense.

[ Chuckling ] Okay, now you're back to flirting.

You want flirting?

Come back to the White House with me tonight,

and I'll sing you Bill Withers in my silk onesie.

Sounds like that's more for you than me.

[ Both laugh ]

Hey, uh, do your people have any real bandages?

My guys have me in this kid's stuff.

Mm-hmm. You're not gonna regret this, Andre.

I know taking a step back isn't your style,

but trust me, it works.

Okay, I like you.

Literally been saying the same thing.

Wait. Andre?

Are you fuckin' -- Is that my chopper?

Curtis: Yes, ma'am! God damn it!

Are you kidding me?!

We should really put a bell on him or something.

O'Doyle: Whoo! Curtis: Whoo! Oh, man, this is crazy.

She's gonna be so pissed!

Ha ha! Excellent idea, sir. Brilliant idea!

Whoo! He's toast! Bunyan's toast!

We're going to bring that piece of shit down!

Hell yeah, sir! What's the plan? What's the move?

Move? What?

You know, for cloaking us, or hiding us.

We're flying a stolen chopper in highly visible airspace.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Way ahead of you.

I stole this brick from the base camp.

You can never go wrong with a brick.

Is that true? Ready to jump?

Wait, like, right now?

Yes! Just jump, O'Doyle! It's part of the plan.

Well, shit.

Aah! [ Laughing ]

Tree, tree, tree, tree, tree, tree, tree, tree!

[ Both grunting ]

Okay. They'll probably notice that.

I didn't have a plan. Yeah, I figured that out.

Plant Trees, Ax Curtis! Plant Trees, Ax Curtis!

Ma'am, we got protesters everywhere.

They're moving into the woods,

trying to reach Bunyan before the President does.

Governor! They found our chopper.

Or what's left of it. It exploded.

Of course it did.

I assume the President's not dead,

or you'd really be burying the lede.

Don't ever speak for me again. We believe they jumped.

Can't find them, though, not on satellite or infrared.

Ugh, 10 bucks says they covered themselves in mud.

Curtis make you watch "Predator"?

Is that even a question?

He used my brain to rewrite the screenplay

so the ending has even more explosions.

By the way, I get that you can't say what you're thinking,

which is that I'd be a better leader.

God knows I'd like to say it.

You kinda did just say it.

You know, you didn't answer me before.

About what?

I asked if you're sure you're working for the right guy.

I mean, he tossed you out like a bag of mushrooms

when the cops are coming.

Pretty specific example.

I used to drink drink in grad school.

And you still didn't answer.

Curtis is just passionate. And you're not?

General Reese. Get Miss Banks a chopper.

Reese: Yes, ma'am. Hot chopper coming up!

What's happening here? You have a robot brain

and the ability to track Curtis down.

Please, go stop this. Do what you know is right.

And if Curtis tosses you to the curb again, I've got your back.

Chopper is ready, ma'am.

You can even remote control this one with your arm thing

in case that's important at some point.

The choice is yours, Banks.

What do you want to do?

Also, please don't tell anyone about the mushrooms.

I may have overshared.

All: Bunyan, Bunyan, he's our tree!

If trees are hot, they should be free!

God, it'd be so cool to meet him.

I just wanna glaze him, tell him how awesome he is.

Whoa, check this out. Oh, my God, whoa.

Hello, friends.

Bunyan! Oh, my God, I'm totally a Bunyan stan.

I just want you to know you're a smoke show

and you're safe with us.

You see it, don't you? The beauty?

Yeah. Trees are hot. And hungry.

Wait, what? [ Laughing ]

[ All screaming ]

Oh my God!

Aah!

Mm. Delicious.

Sir, I think that's enough mud.

You can't have too much, O'Doyle.

Mud is basically an invisibility cloak.

And what's with this passive- aggressive superhero mask

you gave yourself? You look ridiculous.

Well, sir, I put as much thought into it

as you put into your plan.

Oh, my God, can't you just track Bunyan's aura?

No, sir. There's nothing. I've been following a mad man.

What are you muttering about?

How am I supposed to protect you

if you keep blindly making bad decisions?

Banks was right, we need some strategy.

I'm working on it, you mud-less baby!

You like that, Bunyan?

I hope you can feel that shit all the way down to your roots.

Wait, sir. That's it. Me insulting you?

No, the roots. I could try to isolate

the root networks he's come in contact with.

I'd need to really dilate.

Like really, really dilate.

But if I make grunting sounds like I'm shitting,

it's because I'm concentrating hard.

Not shitting.

Oh. Okay.

[ Grunting ]

♪♪

Got...something...

Went Northwest...

Hungry for meat, and he's --

He misses the feel of denim on his legs.

Who likes the feel of denim?

Guy still eats people for sure.

Good work, O'Doyle. Come on!

Also, I wasn't shitting before, but now I need to.

♪ Trackin' down Curtis, also known as POTUS ♪

[ Beeping ] What the hell?

Whoa. Look at all these Bunyan heads.

And Hatters. And hippies?

Damn, there's nudists, too?

Nope. Wait, that's just two people having sex.

Aww, but they're from opposing viewpoints.

Damn. Guy's really bringing people together.

O'Doyle: The trail's getting stronger, sir.

He's been here recently.

Good. Let's make this bitch paper.

Shit, hide! Hide!

I told you to put more mud on!

Sir, it's a military chopper, not an alien eye scan.

Oh, so now you're a mud truther?

Just rub it all over your body.

Ugh. What kind of adventure were you guys having?

Banks? What -- Wait. How'd you find us?

Oh, you still have your cell phone in your pocket.

Easiest hack and trace I've ever done.

Shit. Sir, come on, let's go back to base camp.

No one needs to know you destroyed

a $20 million chopper for your personal vendetta.

Uh, weird observation. This tree has a drum in it.

What the fuck? Whoa.

And this one has a backpack -- Well, okay, and there's a foot.

Okay. That is weird. The tree's DNA

is almost entirely arboreal... with one unknown genome.

The Bunyan Factor. The Bunyan Factor.

The Flip-Flop Gene.

Sorry, thought that's what you were gonna say.

He's using trees... to eat people?

I fuckin' knew it!

I can't believe I've been thinking about strategy

while he's out here eating feet! God damn it!

Sorry I lost faith in you for two seconds back there, sir.

Never again. No, no, that's bullshit, guys.

It was a vendetta.

I hunted Bunyan because I hate him.

And I hate even more that people like him

and think he's hot. It's driving me nuts.

I guess we should take this proof to Beverly,

regroup with her team.

We got the team right here, sir. Let's go get his ass.

I mean, how far up do you think it goes, Roger?

All the way to the top, man.

Curtis did some shit that Bunyan knows about,

and now Curtis is trying to kill him to keep him from talking.

Bunyan: Looking for tree? Paul!

Paul, oh, my God, man, come with us.

We know the truth.

We're here to protect you from Curtis!

Spoiler, though -- I'm evil.

Oh, no, my boots! Oh, no! Oh, Jesus!

I just wanted to feel a sense of belonging -- ohh!

Still delicious.

Banks: You sick fuck!

We finally got you, Bunyan.

Your reign of terror is over.

Gonna call your bluff on that one.

Huh? Aah!

Damn it, this hatchet sucks! We should have armed up better!

[ Laughs ] Aah!

You think your herbicide still works?

-Trees adapt! -O'Doyle! A little help!

Tinderbox!

Agh! I just grew those!

[ Roars ]

Go ahead! Eat me! I will tear you up inside!

Ugh! Sour flesh!

You're done, Bunyan! This shit is personal!

You think I am Bunyan?

I am tree! Bunyan's head was raw power.

So we claimed it.

We gave him a body and used him as our puppet.

Hey, Bunyan! Puppet this, dickweed!

What? No, no, no, no! No!

Argh!

[ Coughing ]

We trees tried everything.

Thought if we gave people fruit,

they'd spread our seeds in their shit,

and we'd make it to outer space with the astronauts.

Oh. But instead we got bulldozed, turned into houses

for tree killers.

You motherfuckers are destroying everything!

Add one more killer to your list. Yah!

[ Screaming ]

Now you know who we are.

If we could, we trees would eat you all!

We will...get you...

[gags] next time...

Whoa. Took a very specific turn at the end there.

What am I supposed to do with that info?

We need trees to survive.

Also, holy shit, Finch was not lying about the goo.

Sir, we have the proof.

We can show the world Bunyan was still a murderer. And if we don't?

I mean, for the first time in forever,

both sides of the aisle are united...against you.

Right now they're planting trees,

but who knows what else they might get done.

But I don't want you to get impeached,

so, bad decision.

Please tell me you're remote- controlling this one, Banks.

Negative, sir.

Oh, man. I've seen that face before.

Yeah. She's pissed. That's kind of the look I always get.

Beverly. I saw the smoke.

Wasn't expecting to see his damn head cut off again.

I see you made your choice.

All right, I want a tight ship on this clean up.

I'll be overseeing every detail.

Let's tag and bag people! Yes, ma'am, standard T&B!

Sir, what are we gonna do? If we don't tell people,

you're gonna keep looking like the villain.

[ Sighs ] Leave it to me, Banks.

I know exactly what to do.

It's horrible. I know it's horrible That's what I heard.

Ugh, the worst. I didn't vote for him.

[ Clears throat ] My fellow Americans.

As many of you know, I killed Paul Bunyan.

Again. Any questions?

Stuckey? Why did you kill Paul Bunyan again?

Because there's no place for fear in this country.

Munson. So you do think Bunyan was still evil?

Yes. Good looking redhead in -- My name is Robert.

You've got all sides of the aisle united against you,

and all you have to say is "Yes"?

Pretty much. Gigi.

Are you aware the Lincoln's Hat bill just passed unanimously,

with an additional 10 billion in eco-friendly legislation?

Yeah, I heard. The hat's dumb, but I respect the votes.

That's all the questions for now.

God bless America, and I'll see your asses on Battleswag.

Good-bye! [ Reporters clamoring ]

That was brutal, sir. Yeah, nice work.

Thanks, guys. Listen...

if this shit goes sideways,

I want you to know it's been an honor.

I don't regret a single day, Mr. President.

I've got a few I'd like to take back,

but, hey, there's always tomorrow.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Bill Withers' "Use Me" plays ]

♪ They keep trying to tell me ♪

♪ All you want to do is use me ♪

♪ Ah-huh, but my answer ♪

♪ Ah-huh ♪

♪ Yeah, to all that use me stuff ♪

♪ I, I, I ♪

♪ Yes, I wanna spread the news ♪

♪ That if it feels this good gettin' used ♪

♪ Oh, you just keep on usin' me ♪

♪ Until you use me up ♪

♪♪

♪ Until you use me up ♪

♪♪

♪ My brother ♪

♪ Sit me right down, and he talked to me ♪

♪♪

Good girl, Boo Boo.

Did you get any of that?