Original subtitles

(employees chattering indistinctly)

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

(telephone ringing) (footsteps tapping)

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

(powerful acoustic guitar music)

♪ Strongly-worded memo ♪

♪ Strongly-worded memo ♪

♪ There's a strongly-worded memo in the works ♪

♪ Strongly-worded memo in the works ♪

♪ Gonna tell him my opinion ♪

♪ And gonna give him what for 'til it hurts ♪

♪ There's a strongly-worded memo in the works ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Strongly-worded memo ♪

♪ Strongly-worded memo ♪

♪ There's a strongly-worded memo in the works ♪

♪ Strongly-worded memo in the works ♪

♪ In no uncertain terms ♪

♪ I'll get my point across ♪

♪ No room for ambiguity ♪

♪ Take this message to the boss ♪

♪ Watch me, I'll italicize freely ♪

♪ Strongly-worded memo ♪

♪ Strongly-worded memo ♪

♪ There's a strongly-worded memo in the works ♪

♪ Strongly-worded memo in the works ♪

(no audio)

(employees chattering indistinctly)

(telephone rings)

- What can we learn from the noble bumblebee?

Several important lessons.

Did you know that the modest bumblebee

can regulate his body temperature?

So can you, by keeping cool.

We work in a bustling, hectic environment.

But don't let it get to you.

Keep your cool and you won't be overwhelmed.

Now, bumblebees visit flowers.

You all know that, pollination.

Well, guess how many flowers the members

of a single hive visit quarterly.

The answer: a lot.

Now, guess how many clients are served by OmniLink.

Also a lot.

When a bumblebee arrives at a flower,

it extracts nectar using a long tongue called a glossa

and stores it in a thin-walled portion

of its elementary tract.

When you reach out to the contractors

and government agencies, you should also use your tongue.

But use it over the phone.

Make contact with our clients. Let them know that we care.

And that is OmniLink's official position.

And while you don't have storage crops,

you do have access to the intercompany database.

Keep it updated with your preliminary, pending,

and completed projects.

Speaking of the company,

we're a part of the OmniLink Colony.

Now, we may not be the biggest regional office,

but we're not the smallest, either.

But every hive plays a part in the wellness

of the bumblebee's ecosystem,

so we follow the orders of the queen.

And the queen says that the intercompany database

is changing from chronological to alphabetical.

(dramatic music) I know, I know.

But the noble bumblebee isn't deterred by such a setback.

(upbeat music) And neither should you be.

You know why?

We still have each other. Commiseration.

Talk to one another about our problems,

about this database change or any old thing.

Flutter from flower to flower.

Visit your neighbors in CubicleLand.

Hey, Cooperman, what are you having for lunch?

Looks delicious.

Hey, Miryam.

Wasn't that a great PowerPoint Pete gave this morning?

Yes. Yes, it was. (upbeat music continues)

The noble bumblebee thrives knowing that,

whether a young queen or an anonymous drone,

he or she is doing valuable work

for the greater good of the company.

The buzz of a job well done is in keeping cool,

reaching out, and interacting with others.

(telephone rings)

- Brian.

Brian. Brian. Brian?

Brian? Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian.

Oh my God, Brian?

- Oh, hey. - Brian. Brian. Brian.

- No, I'm paying attention to you now.

- Yeah?

- You are my sole focus. - Great.

Going to the supply closet. You need anything?

- No. Thanks.

- Yeah, you sure? Staples?

- All set, Clark.

- I'm gonna get you some staples.

- Got more in my drawer. - Yeah?

- Like an attentive lover, I anticipated my every need.

- You sure?

- I am my own best attentive lover.

- You should date Amy.

- Amy Brown? From- - From that cubicle, yeah.

- Can't place her. - That cubicle right there.

(playful music)

(dreamy music)

Oh, be cool. Be cool. - I think I know who you mean.

- Amy. - Right. What about her?

- You two should date each other.

You should be daters. - Oh yeah,

that's a great idea, Clark.

- Why don't you ask her out?

- Hey, why don't you? - Maybe I will.

- You better not.

- Last chance for staples. - Pass.

- Lunch later? - Yes.

- High five. - High five.

(notification chimes)

(playful music)

(computer keys clacking)

(playful music continues)

(computer keys clacking)

(playful music continues)

(employees chatter faintly) (playful music continues)

- Hey, Brian.

- Hey, Cooperman. You need any office supplies?

- Me? No. Clark's got me covered.

Hey, uh, Brian, I don't mean to pry,

and if you wanna say, "Mind your own business, Cooperman,"

then say it, and I'll do it, no hard feelings.

- What's on your mind, Cooperman?

- What's on my mind is you and Amy.

What's up, friend? Something, question mark?

- Nothing. - [Cooperman] Hm.

The way you guys pal around-

- Ends every day at five, same as everybody else.

- Hmm. That's your choice, I suppose.

- We're from different worlds.

She uses capital letters in her instant messaging.

I'm strictly a lower-caser.

- Hmm. Relish your differences.

They're as important as your sames.

- Okay, I guess.

Later on, Cooperman. - Clink.

- Ow.

(telephone ringing)

(playful music)

(particles droning)

Um... - I'm in here.

(buzzing music) (door thuds)

(phone beeping)

- [Clark] Brian?

- Yeah?

- Come in.

(door creaks and thuds)

You ever hear of knocking? - Supply closet.

Should I lock this?

- It wasn't locked? - Um, no.

- Hey, come here. I wanna ask you a question.

(suspenseful music)

- I think maybe I wanna ask you one.

- Why don't you ask out Amy

for real? - Um, Clark?

- No, no, it is because she's strange?

Because you're strange. Remember that.

- [Brian] She's not strange.

- No, I just see the two of you.

It's clear you like each other,

and you just- - Clark.

- you keep bouncing into one another like-

- Clark. - like pinball balls

who are strange and who should date.

- Do you remember Pete's PowerPoint

about the noble bumblebee? - Of course.

- That's me.

I live an uncomplicated life and a noble one.

- Well, I have some information

that may complicate that lifestyle.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

I'm an alien. Sorry.

You're reacting to this really well.

- I'm trying to freak out more, but I really don't know how.

There's a voice in here I can feel in my fillings.

- Oh, that's my boss.

This is where I talk to my guys.

- From your alien planet. - Yeah.

- Where you're an alien.

- Well, I'm an alien down here,

but up there, I'm like everyone else.

- And you talk to them. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(Clark speaks alien language)

Actually, I gotta talk to them right now. So, uh...

- I'll just grab some staples.

- (laughs) I knew you needed staples.

- They're not for me. - Oh. Are they love staples?

- You're an alien!

- Shh! You're gonna get me in trouble.

- You know what?

I used to think you were just a really nice guy

checking in with people

whenever they needed office supplies.

Now I know you just didn't want anybody busting in

on what, whatever this is.

- I really can't believe I didn't lock that door.

- I can't believe you're an alien.

I'm gonna go.

(suspenseful music)

Is that cool?

- Yeah, of course. - Okay.

- You're, you're not gonna say anything

to anyone, though, right? - What would I say?

And to whom?

- Well, I'm really sorry

I complicated your noble bumblebee lifestyle.

- Yeah.

- Oh, man. I really wrecked it, huh?

- It probably wasn't so noble after all.

(telephone rings) (hand thuds)

- Thanks, Bri. I owe you huge. - Huge.

- Let me know what I can do to square us.

- Okay. Wanna go out with me?

- What? - Go out with me.

- Oh, I heard you.

- Oh, you said, "What?" It's why I repeated myself.

- It was a what of surprise. You got me staples.

Me going out with you seems disproportional.

- Hey, you really needed 'em.

- That's true.

But it's a big leap from flirting all day

to actually doing something.

- Is it? - Don't you think it is?

- Definitely. - See?

- Is, is it a leap you wanna take?

(employees chattering indistinctly)

- I've never thought about it before.

- [Brian] Me neither, then.

- Let me think about it.

(employees chattering indistinctly)

(telephone ringing) (footsteps tapping)

(employees chattering indistinctly)

- Hey, Brian. Lunch?

Brian? Lunch?

Brian? - Fine.

- What's wrong? Is it that I'm all, "Phone home"?

- No. Well, indirectly.

Since our time in the supply closet meant the death

of the noble bumblebee...

- You asked out Amy. - I did.

- High five. - No high five.

- She said no? What is she, fickle?

- She didn't say no.

- Oh my God, you are fickle.

You asked Amy out and she said yes,

and now you're sad about it?

You fickle goddamned pickle!

- She said maybe.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- That's like no. - Kinda.

- But not really. - Right.

- Confusing. - Now you see.

(telephone rings) - Let's have lunch

and pore over the minutia of your conversation with Amy

as if we were teenaged females.

- Uh, no.

- Let's have lunch and talk about something else.

- Whatever will we find to talk about, I wonder?

(heels clacking) (gentle music)

Are you like the alien in "Aliens?"

- No. - Are you an Alf?

- [Clark] (chuckles) There's no such thing as Alfs.

- [Brian] Is there such thing as "Alien" aliens?

- Well, it is based on a true story.

- Are you messing with me? - Yes.

(Clark chuckles) (gentle music)

- Show me what you really look like.

- What? - Pull off your face.

- Pull off my face? - Come on.

- No.

- Well, you could though, right?

'Cause you don't look like us, right?

Just pull it off. Just a little bit.

Just this much and put it right back.

Come on, coast is clear. Do it now.

- No. - Now. Do it now.

- Stop. I can't just pull off my face, okay?

It doesn't work like that.

Do you have any idea how long it took

for me to get this just right?

- Oh. - Sorry. I'll, I'll break it.

(gentle music)

- So who else in the office is an alien?

- Guess. - Oh. Dave Doughty.

- From accounting? - Yeah.

- No. But Steve Burgess is.

- Is he? - (laughs) Yeah.

- He doesn't act weird.

- I don't act weird. - Yeah, you do.

- I do not.

My behavior is a perfect simulacrum of human mores.

- You put ketchup on hot dogs. We don't do that on Earth.

- You do, too.

- Kids do it. Little kids.

- Whatever. Ketchup is awesome.

- I'm surprised I didn't catch on sooner.

- You didn't catch on it all. You walked in on me.

- I didn't put it together that you were an alien,

but I suspected you of secretly being a little kid.

Oh, is Pete? - Ha! No.

- Oh. - No way.

- Is- (Clark shouts indistinctly)

(suspenseful music)

Is that guy?

- I don't even know that guy's name.

- Hey, I don't even know your name.

- Yeah, you do. It's Clark.

- Your name was Clark on your home planet?

- It was close. - Really?

- Yeah, it was the closest thing you guys had.

- What is it?

- Clarf. - Clarf?

- No, Clarf. - Clarf.

- Nearly.

- Clarf. - Just Clarf.

- We're saying the same thing. Clarf.

- Uh, it's very close. Clarf.

- Clarf. - No, Clarf.

- Are you messing with me?

- I swear I'm not. - Clarf.

- Just Clarf. - Clarf.

- [Cooperman] Hi, guys. What's the word?

- [Both] Cooperman!

- Have you guys tried the intercompany database lately?

It's a mess. - I know. Alphabetical.

- I miss chronological.

- Yeah, I know, right? Chronological is the way to go.

Am I right? Okay, you know what's pending.

Alphabetical makes no sense. Makes no sense.

- We've got your back, Cooperman.

- Yeah, well, don't worry. I'm on it.

Strongly-worded memo in the works.

- Nice. - Yeah.

- Don't take it lying down. - Right?

Alphabet, oh, alphabetical hello.

Wow. Okay. Right? (Brian scoffs)

- Fight the power. - Power to the people.

- Chronological power.

Later, fellas. (Brian and Clark laugh)

- No. - Oh.

So what's your guys' deal? - Deal?

- What are your plans for the Earth?

- Oh. Nah, don't even worry about it.

- It's something bad.

- (sighs) Look, I don't want it

to mess up our friendship.

- It will if you don't tell me.

- All right. I guess...

I don't know, I guess it's not that bad,

depending on your point of view.

- What does that mean?

- My guys wanna enslave your guys.

- What?

- It's not gonna happen though, okay?

I really like it here.

And so I'm, you know, pushing it off as long as I can.

- As long as you can. How long is that?

- Well, indefinitely. As long as I can.

- Which? - Indefinitely.

- Good. - As long as I can.

- And when you can't anymore, you're gonna enslave us?

- Yeah, but everything's gonna be pretty much the same way

it is now, except I'll be your boss.

- Can I get a raise? - Yeah.

- Then I'm okay with it.

- Clarf? - No.

You want me to go ask Amy if she'll say yes?

- So yes!

- So no? - No.

(Brian sighs)

- The afternoon (copier whirring)

draws its chestnut carriage ever closer.

(gentle music) And we proud employees,

sated with brown bag lunches and ensconced in our tasks,

tasks we perform methodically,

(gentle music continues) (copier continues whirring)

all the while we make small connections with one another.

Friendships, relationships.

And Dave Henderson in HR thinks fraternization

in the workplace is bad for productivity.

But I think old Dave has taken the short view.

(gentle music continues) (telephone rings)

Think of it.

Setting aside the time we utilize for sleeping,

the majority of our lives are spent here at work.

(gentle music continues) (copier continues whirring)

- Yep. - These are the best hours

of the best days of the best years of our lives.

- Did Brian talk to you?

- About what? - Nothing.

(gentle music)

- Dave wants me to give Ian

and Miryam a disciplinary talking to

about professionalism and fraternization

and three other things that don't factor into productivity,

as far as I can see.

I don't think it's any of my business at this point.

Do you?

You work closely with Miryam.

She does her share, right? - She does.

- Then why shouldn't she see someone she works with?

Why should she be denied a chance at happiness?

What could be better for OmniLink than that?

(Pete scoffs)

- You're right. - Damn straight.

(gentle music) (copier whirring)

MirIan. That's what the tabloids would call them. MirIan.

(copier whirs) That doesn't work.

Here's my stuff.

(gentle music) (papers flutter)

(copier whirs)

(playful music) (computer keys clacking)

(notification chimes)

(playful music continues)

(bright music)

- [Robotic Voice] To access conference call,

please enter your group conference code.

- [Amy] Hey, Mir.

- [Miryam] Honey, they're always late. It's just us.

So, why the big smile?

You look like my favorite emoticon.

- Oh, I had a good weekend. - Well, I did not.

Don't get me started. - I won't.

- [Miryam] Okay, this stays between us.

Do you know Ian? - Your boyfriend, Ian. Yes.

- [Miryam] Not my boyfriend for much longer, if he ever was.

- Did Ian do something?

- [Miryam] Oh, you know, I could just kill him.

I swear, I mean, kill him and hide the body and leave town.

And I swear nobody would miss him.

- Well, Pete would notice if he didn't come to work.

- [Miryam] Honey, Pete wouldn't notice

if Krenssler changed the account payable dates

from 30 days to 60 days.

(Miryam and Amy laughing) (phone clicks and beeps)

Hello? - Did someone click on?

- Wendell? - It's just me.

- [Miryam] Oh, honey, these guys are always late.

Now, what was I saying?

- Ian. - Yeah.

He made me dinner, if you can believe that.

- [Amy] Is that why you're mad at him?

- You know, every time I think that he's the perfect guy,

he does something to raise the bar even higher.

- Really. Ian?

- Yes, Ian.

Dinner was a disaster.

But dessert was heaven in a bowl with a spoon.

(Miryam giggles) - [Amy] Oh, what was dessert?

- Oh, hon- (phone clicks and beeps)

- Uh, hello? Hello? - Hello?

Hey, Wendell, this is Miryam. - It's Wendell. Hi.

- And Amy's on, too.

- [Wendell] And we're just waiting for Doug and Tricia.

How's everybody's weekend?

- I had a bad dinner,

but a dessert that would make your toes curl.

- [Wendell] Ha! What about you, Amy? Good weekend?

- Oh, you know,

nothing special. (phone clicks and beeps)

- [Trisha] Hey, y'all. It's Trisha.

I am sorry I'm late, but I had the best weekend.

I found a deck of cards I didn't even know I had.

And I remembered I knew how to play Solitaire,

and I must have played 70 games of Solitaire,

just over and over-

- And then there he was with a cup of coffee,

which is all I wanted in the world.

Coffee.

- Hey.

I know you like to eat all alone in the copy room,

which is weird,

but I thought maybe you'd like some company.

Also, hey, I didn't mean to eavesdrop,

but were you just telling the copy machine about us?

- I just like to sort out my feelings out loud.

Is that crazy, like a crazy person?

- Sure, it is.

- The copy machine is a good listener.

- Well, no, don't get me wrong.

I was just telling the coffee maker about us earlier.

- And?

- Turns out the coffee maker's insanely jealous.

- Well, I'm spoken for.

- No, no, you misunderstand.

The coffee maker always had a thing for me.

Terrible at keeping it a secret, too.

How's the copy machine taking it?

- Jury's still out.

- Well, I'm not proud.

If I have to suck up to this machine

in order to get in good with you, I'll do it.

I want you both to know that.

I'll refill a tray, clear a jam.

What does it take? Toner?

(copier whirring)

- The copy machine sees right through your charm, you know.

- As long as you don't, I'm okay.

- Don't worry, I don't.

- Oh, Amy.

Uh, Brian, can I have a word? - Okay, sure.

You can eat if you'd like, Amy,

but it won't taste good without me here.

I think you know that.

Hey, I know we usually eat lunch together, but-

- Don't worry about it. It's just lunch, you know?

I, I, just wanna make sure that you're having lunch with her

because you're having lunch with her

and not because I'm all...

- No, no, it's not because you're all...

- Okay, good.

'Cause, you know, I went out on a limb

trusting you with- - No you didn't.

- Yes, I did.

- I walked in on you. - Yeah, but I, I could've-

- You could've what? - Nothing. Nevermind.

Forget I said anything. - What?

- Nothing. - Disintegrated me?

- No. - Wiped my memory?

- No. - Then what?

- Nothing. - Clark?

- Disintegrated you. - I knew it.

- Guess that would've wiped your memory, too.

- Are you messing with me? - Yes. (laughs)

I'm just, you know, go have your lunch.

- We'll have lunch together tomorrow. I promise, Clarf.

- I don't want your pity lunch.

(telephone rings)

- Did I get your name right at least?

- No. - No?

(telephone rings)

- I waited for you.

(romantic music)

♪ I'm gonna send you plastic flowers ♪

♪ That's the only kind of flowers ♪

♪ I'll send to you, my dear ♪

♪ They never need water ♪

♪ They don't need any care ♪

♪ They won't get sad and lonely ♪

♪ If you forget they're there ♪

♪ They'll never change, they'll always keep their color ♪

♪ They don't have any smell, but do not cry ♪

♪ You can leave them in a box for a thousand years ♪

♪ The flowers I send to you will never die ♪

♪ The flowers I send to you will never die ♪

(lively music)

♪ Daisy, you drive me crazy ♪

♪ And I guess you must drive all the fellas wild ♪

♪ Daisy, you drive me crazy ♪

♪ You must have been a beautiful child ♪

♪ And I'd like to pluck your petals ♪

♪ I'd like to touch your stem ♪

♪ I'd like to breathe your perfume ♪

♪ Oh, then, and then, and then ♪

♪ Ah, Daisy, you drive me crazy ♪

♪ The flowers I send to you will never die ♪

♪ The flowers I send to you will never die ♪

♪ The flowers I send to you will never die ♪

(lively music crescendos)

(no audio)

- We have to talk. - Uh-oh.

- Yeah, I- - Uh, uh, no, no, no, no, no.

No. - What are you doing?

- I'm, I'm not listening.

I'm not, I'm not listening. I'm not listening. Oh, okay.

Okay. I'm listening.

- Brian- - Uh, no no, no, no.

I knew this would happen. I knew it.

I was the noble bumblebee. I was.

I was, I was all, buzz, buzz, freaking, freaking buzz.

And then you just come along and you,

and you just had to, well, okay.

Just fine. Just, okay, do it.

Do it. Do it. No, don't do it.

- Brian, what are you talking about?

- Relax. - I'm relaxed.

- Well, don't relax too much. - Okay.

- I have to talk to you about something that I-

- You know, I'm, I'm not overreacting.

- I didn't say you were.

- I'm reacting exactly the right amount

for somebody breaking up with me.

- Brian!

- You know what? In fact, I break up with you. Muh!

- Brian, I'm not breaking up with you.

- You're not? - No.

(telephone rings)

- But you said we have to talk.

- Because we do.

- But that's the universal code for, "We have to break up."

- That's not universal.

- So wait, you don't wanna break up with me?

- No, I really like you.

- Oh. - That's why we have to talk.

- Oh, okay.

When you really, really like someone,

you don't ever, ever, ever say, "We have to talk."

- Even if you have to? - Yeah. No.

- Okay, what about,

"I have something important I want to tell you"?

- Okay, that makes me freak out a little bit,

but not as much as before.

(telephone rings)

Sorry about before, by the way.

- It's okay. - It won't happen again.

- Good. That's really good.

Because this is hard for me.

And I do have something important to tell you.

- You're not gay or married or a third thing, are you?

- No. Yes. A third thing.

Look, you know how there are other planets?

(gentle upbeat music)

- Yeah. - Nine that you know about

and some that you don't?

(gentle upbeat music continues)

- Wait. - Now, you are from Earth.

- Yes, I am from Earth.

- No way.

Me, too.

Earth, I mean. I'm from it.

I am from Earth.

(copier thuds)

(buttons clack and beep) (telephone rings)

(copier whirring)

You guys weren't using this copier, were you?

(copier continues whirring)

Earth, right? Love it. So great.

(copier continues whirring)

(copier continues whirring)

(copier hums)

(lid slams)

Let me see.

Yeah. All right.

Oh, uh, Pete's been calling you guys Bramy.

Not the best one, but.

Anyway, heads up on that.

(gentle upbeat music) (door squeaks)

- So, anyway- - Oh, you're an alien.

- You figured it out? - Of course I figured it out.

What is this, your pet robot?

Is that why you're always talking to the copier machine

like you're a crazy person who's crazy

because you have your very own Xerox-brand confidant?

- You weren't gonna freak out again.

- Well, that was before.

I mean, you just...

Grr, you guys, you really need to get on the same page

about this stuff. - Who guys?

- You know, because I,

I can't keep finding out about this stuff.

I, I can't. - Wait. What?

- I can't go a day anymore without somebody I really,

really like coming up to me and saying,

"Oh, hey, by the way, I'm a mmm-mmm."

- What is? Wait, you really, really like me?

- Yes.

- And this is, this "mmm" is what?

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial!

- Yes. - Oh!

What, you really, really like me?

- Well, I don't know. I, I, I did.

And, but that was, that was before.

And, ah, now I'm freaking out.

- [Amy] Will you really, really like me

when you're done freaking out?

- Uh, how am I supposed to know?

(gentle music)

- You're supposed to say yes.

- Well, I didn't.

(telephone rings)

(door squeaks and thuds)

- We might be fucked.

(hands thud) (mysterious music)

- Clarf?

- Hey, you said it right. - Yay.

Sorry. - It's okay, I'm on hold.

What's up? You look cheesed. - Oh, I am.

What is the deal with you- - Oh, hold on.

Hey, Clark Czernicki here.

Can this wait? - Fine.

(tense music)

Uh, Todd? I'm really sorry.

I'm gonna have to call you back. Something came up.

All right. (phone clicks)

Hey, let's talk.

- You didn't have to do that. - Well, it's okay.

- [Brian] That was Planicka's guy.

- It's okay. What's cheesing you?

- I said it was fine.

- I know what you said, but look at you. Cheesed.

- Keen observer of human behavior.

- It's my job.

- Speaking of which, what the hell, man?

- Is this some kind of super delayed reaction, or?

- Amy.

- Oh, you're finally taking the plunge, huh?

- What? - Nice. High five.

- No high five. I'm pissed at you!

- Ow! Why?

- Amy. I know. - What?

- I know. - I didn't mean what

like I didn't hear you,

I meant what like, "Help me to understand."

- I know.

- That's not helping me to understand.

- She told me. - Told you what?

- She works with you. - You lost me.

- She works with you!

- This is the single most exhausting conversation

in the history of Earth. - Planicka.

- Amy is an outer space alien from outer space.

What is it with you guys?

You pushed me to go out with her,

and then you're all, "Meep, zorp."

- What was that? - That was an alien noise.

- That's not what we sound like.

- Well, what do you sound like, then?

- We sound like, "Hey, Brian, how's it going?"

- Bad!

What, do you guys have some sort

of crazy "Space Invaders" plan to infiltrate my life,

become my best friend and my girlfriend?

Are you invading me? Why are you invading me?

- I'm your best friend? - Oh, my God.

- Hey, you're mine.

Ow! Ow! Quit it!

Did she say what kind she is? - What?

- What kind of, did she say what kind she is?

- No. And neither did you, by the way.

- Like you know how many kinds there are.

- Okay. How many kinds are there?

- Lots. She ain't one of mine, homes.

- No? - Pronise.

- Wait. I'm sorry, what?

- I swear. If she's a spaceman, she ain't one of my guys.

- You pronise?

- Yeah. - Pronise?

- Yeah. What?

- It's promise with an M.

- Really? - Mm-hm.

You really are a mmm-mmm.

- Yeah, so is your girlfriend.

- Yeah, well, is there anybody

in this whole damn office who's a human being?

- This guy. Pure human.

Go, humans. (sighs)

Human. That doesn't fit.

- Well, there's one. - Two, counting you.

(employees speaking faintly)

- (sighs) Man, if there are other aliens in this office,

my data could be seriously screwed.

- [Pete] If you need me to- (mysterious music)

- This couch smells funny.

(mysterious music continues)

- All day I can't shake the feeling that it's Tuesday.

- Yeah. - It is Tuesday, hon.

- [Drone] Yeah. Yeah.

But it really feels like it, for some reason.

- [Drone] Yeah.

(mysterious music continues) (button clicking)

- It's broken.

You saw that, didn't you? - Yeah.

- What are you writing down? - Nothing. It's nothing.

(mysterious music continues)

- Seriously, what are you writing down?

- No, it's, it's a diary. - Can I see it?

- Hmm, no, it's private.

- A diary about me or the water?

- No, it's a, a water diary. - I'm gonna need to see that.

- Um, I'll send you a copy?

- Email it. - All right.

- [Ian] Scan it and email it.

(employees chattering indistinctly)

(phone beeps)

(employees continue chattering indistinctly)

(chair rattling)

(chair thuds) - Hey!

- Hi. - I'm sorry I freaked out.

- I'm sorry I'm a secret alien.

- Oh, it happens.

- I think we're gonna do okay

if that's the worst it gets.

- I think that's pretty much it.

- Good. I like us a lot. - I like us a lot, too.

- Let me finish.

I like us, and I don't want there to be any secrets.

And also, I'm new to emotions.

I mean, I've observed them for years,

but this is my first foray into having some.

- You're doing great.

- I just wanted you to know that.

- No, you're really doing fine.

Better than me, I think.

- You're doing fine.

- Um, so, this is a question that I feel like I have to ask,

but if you don't wanna answer it, it's, it's okay.

- Ask me anything.

- What kind of alien are you?

- We're called the Soika.

- Soika? - Close.

- Soika. - Soika.

- No. - Nevermind.

Uh, what do the Soika do?

What are your plans for Earth?

- Oh, boy. - What?

You don't have to answer that.

- I was sent here as part of an advanced team

to observe your planet.

- Boring.

- Also, I'm supposed to alert my people

when the Earth is ready.

- Ready for invasion?

- No. - Good.

- Destruction. - Ah!

- [Amy] Of course, I would save you.

- You could save me? - Could and would.

- Uh, wow. - Of course I would.

- Of, of course, of course you would.

Um, when the Earth is destroyed, what,

what happens?

- I don't know what you mean.

- When your guys blow up the Earth, um,

and you save me, of course. - Yes.

- Where do we go?

- Well, back to my planet. - Soika?

- No, the Soika are my people.

The planet is called Elg.

It's really nice. It's such a nice planet.

It's so much nicer than Earth. - Whoa.

- Do you like the beach?

- Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait- - Because there are beaches

there that are- - You know, this is just

our five-day anniversary.

- So? - It's a little fast.

- What is?

- I mean, you're excited about me.

- Yes. - I'm excited about you.

- Well, you better be.

- But, um, this is just early relationship stuff.

This, this, this goes away.

- That goes away? - Oh, yeah.

- Oh. - When that goes away,

I mean, who knows if we're compatible?

- I don't understand. - Well, you're new to emotion.

- Yes. - So, uh, okay.

Well, look, I like you.

I'm excited about you,

but I don't know if I want to move to Elb with you.

- Elg. - Okay.

What if we just played it by ear?

- What?

- You know, see how we feel about it in a year or so.

I think that seems reasonable.

- (sighs) The Soika need this planet ASAP.

- Well, tell the Soika to chill.

- It doesn't work like that. - Sure, it could.

You know, my best friend is an alien,

and he got his guys to wait a long time to do their plan.

You know Clark. He's a total alien lifeform.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Huh.

What kind is he?

- I don't know. - Huh.

(computer keys clacking) (telephone rings)

Well, I have a job to do.

- Well, I'm not ready to move in with you.

- So you're asking me to choose between my work and you?

- No!

Uh, kinda.

- That's not fair. - Oh, sorry.

- I love my work. - Yeah. And?

- And we've only been dating since Friday.

- Well, uh, okay.

Well, that's that. - What's what?

- Well, you just saw our relationship through

to its natural, logical conclusion.

- I didn't do anything! - Not yet!

(chair clatters)

- So that's how your emotions work?

You can just turn them off? - If need be.

- Well, that's very Soika of you.

- Well, then I'll fit right in on Elb, then.

- [Amy] It's Elg.

And you are definitely not coming with me.

- (laughs) That's right, I'm not.

- Because you're not invited.

- [Brian] Huh. I respectfully decline.

- No, you are not invited. - Thank you, no.

- Go away.

(file slams) - Sure.

You know, I got work to do.

It's just regular work, though,

not blowing up a planet

where a person keeps all of his stuff.

- Well, maybe if you were more ambitious,

someone would give you a better job.

- [Brian] I like my job.

- Good, because you haven't been promoted in six years.

- I've received pay bumps commensurate

with promotions I didn't want and didn't get.

- Good for you.

I'm getting my own planet. - Yeah?

Well, I hope it's populated

with super-intelligent Xerox robots,

'cause otherwise you're gonna be completely alone on it!

- Go away.

- Look who's turned off their emotions now!

- My guys invented it. It's our biological imperative.

- Well, that's mighty lucky!

For you!

(employees chattering indistinctly)

(playful music)

(chair rattling)

(playful music continues)

(tape screeching)

(tape continues screeching)

- Hey, pal. Whatcha doing? - Hold on.

(gentle music)

(tape screeches)

(gentle music continues)

- Okay.

Help.

- New game?

- [Brian] I call it numby-sticky.

I try to see how much tape I can do before I go numb.

- How many rounds in numby-sticky?

- They're called heats.

- Oh, this has gotta affect your typing, huh?

- I'm pretty much only good for the space bar.

(gentle music)

Which do you like better: tape or rubber band?

- Like, who would I have on my team?

- [Brian] Yeah.

- Like, which one would I trust

with a really big project? - Exactly.

- Like, if I told Tape to get something on my desk by two,

say the content of an upcoming PowerPoint,

so I knew that Tape could be trusted to be my point man

for all the work that Planicka's thrown at us,

do I think it wouldn't fail me?

Like, if Rubber Band started seeing Desk Fan socially,

do I trust that their relationship,

which I'm totally rooting for,

hit a snag and Rubber Band was thrown for a loop,

do I think he'd pull it together?

(computer keys clacking) (telephone rings)

(Brian mumbles)

It's a valid question, Brian.

I think there's room on my team for every inanimate object,

as long as it's a productive inanimate object.

And if it ain't,

well, there's always paperclips, you know?

Another heat? - Maybe later.

- You busy?

- [Brian] Oh, I have something I, I need to do.

- Well, I didn't mean to interrupt.

- No, that's cool. - For me too, brother.

- Okay. - Okay.

(playful suspenseful music)

(employee coughing) (computer keys clacking)

(no audio)

(copier beeping)

- [Brian] White flag. White flag.

(employees speaking faintly)

- Did you require something? - Yes.

- Whose fault is it? - So, well...

- Amy.

Amy. Amy?

I've been thinking. - That so?

- Yeah. Yeah, totally.

- That's great. Well, bye.

- It's only just that I, um,

I really liked what we had yesterday.

- Uh-huh.

- And I just think maybe that, um, I've been too hasty or,

or you've been too hasty,

or we've just been making decisions too fast.

- I'm aware of what hasty means.

- Right. Me, too.

And, um, uh, you know,

maybe Soika's a good place, right?

- You mean Elg?

- I could learn to like the beach.

Uh, or maybe the Earth would grow on you.

And I've been sad.

(employees speaking indistinctly)

You, you know what? Nevermind.

I'm just, I'll be, uh...

You know where my cubicle is.

Right. (copier beeping)

- Brian? - Whoa!

Yep?

- I need Clark's SEPs for my region

when you get a chance.

- [Drone] Do your thing, and-

- Yep.

Okay.

(paper crinkling)

(playful music)

(paper towel plucking) (Clark sighs)

- Hey, hon.

- Hey, I was just getting some creamer for the-

- Oh yeah, I've been there.

You know Ian?

- Ian's your boyfriend, right?

- Wrong. - Oh.

- You wanna know why? - Yes?

- I'll let you guess. - I'm okay.

- No, no, no. Take three guesses.

- Oh, I really don't wanna guess.

- No, just take two guesses.

- (sighs) Ian made a disparaging remark about your work

on the reports for Presser?

- No. - Ian-

- Wait, wait. Did he say something?

- What?

- Did he say something about the work for Presser?

- No.

- Because I just asked him to look it over. Jesus!

- He didn't say anything. You wanted me to guess.

- Yeah, well, fuck him anyway.

- You- - Amy did most

of those reports.

- You asked me to guess. - Ian's a dick!

- Okay. Um, I, I gotta go.

You know, Planicka and all.

- You know, the next time you see him, tell him this.

(tense music)

(paper towel plucking) God, this is so...

- [Ian] If anything, I work more on Labor Day.

(telephone rings) (employees speak indistinctly)

- Ian, just ran into Miryam. - Oh, yeah?

I asked her to move in with me. She freaked.

- [Clark] She asked me to give you this.

- She asked everybody to give me that.

The good news is nobody in the office

cares about us anymore. - No, they do not.

- Hey, did you hear about Bramy, though?

Pete thought of it, but it was my idea.

You, uh, you call 'em Bramy. Brian and Amy.

You pick the B-R, and then I guess all of Amy,

which seems unfair.

But you take those two and you put 'em together.

So when you wanna talk to the two of 'em, you know?

You're not going over here?

(gentle music) (key clacks)

- Oh, no, no, no.

- Clarf?

- Come on, man. Just give it up.

- What? It's your name, isn't it?

- Yeah, but when you say it...

How would you like it if I walked around all day

calling you Brrrrriunnanan? (Brian laughs)

- I would love it. - No, you wouldn't.

- Do it again. Brrrrriunnanan.

- I don't have time for this. - Okay, Clarf.

- Oh, don't you have a shit ton of work to do,

Brrrrriunnanan? - (laughs) Awesome.

- No, seriously.

Aren't you Pete's right hand-man with Planicka?

- Pete's dealing with Planicka.

I'm the boss of telling everybody what Planicka wants Pete

to tell everybody to do. - Uh-huh.

- And I'm cranky because my girlfriend is an alien.

- Oh, come on.

I don't have time to deal with this right now.

Shit, you were the one that told me Pete wants me

and Cooperman to handle all the western contractors.

- Not all the western contractors.

- Veenstra? - Yep.

- Maugher? Braker and Cooke? Paley?

- Okay, yeah. - Am, am I forgetting one?

Because I have all their SEP files sitting on my desk,

waiting to be folded. - Yeah.

- I can go through and find the one I'm forgetting

if you want. - No, no, I get it.

You got a lot of work to do.

It's just that I don't see Cooperman crying about it.

- Well, Cooperman didn't spend half his day trying

to figure out if your girlfriend is the only other mmm-mmm

he doesn't know about.

- Cooperman has just as much work to do, and look at him.

He's cool as a cucumber.

(copier whirs) - It is no problem, Todd.

Tell Mr. Planicka not to worry.

My associate, Mr. Czernicki, is bracketing the SEPs,

and basically we're whatever you need, whenever you need it.

- When you were checking out Close Encounters

of the Office Kind, did you check out Cooperman?

- Oh, don't give me shit because I didn't have time

to deal with your relationship stuff.

- Too late. - Oh, I have work to do.

- He's probably not one.

- Yeah, he should be slammed, huh?

- He probably just manages his time well.

- I'll bet he's talking about that database.

- In human English.

- Go! - I'm gone.

(papers flutter) (gentle music)

- Just so we're clear, because clarity is the key,

we're here for you guys, right?

Excellent. Okay, bye-bye now.

(copier whirring) (gentle music continues)

That was as crystal clear a connection as I've ever heard.

Clark! - Cooperman.

(copier continues whirring) (gentle music continues)

- An error has occurred.

Humans have all of these extra emotions.

Now, I'm new to them, so of course I'm gonna be confused.

But him, he's been dealing with them his whole life.

They all have.

Still, they're like plyfoxians with a slurb, you know?

Hello?

(copier whirring) - [Jafe] Hello?

Hello? Can, can you hear me?

- I can hear you, Jafe. Can you hear me?

(static hissing) (bright music)

- [Jafe] Yeah, I'm sorry.

There's a weird connection

because of some meteor shower or something.

A plythoxian with a, what did you say?

- With a slurb. - Ugh.

- I know.

But you know what I mean about him not even knowing

why he's freaking out?

- [Jafe] Because you're going to destroy his planet.

- Thank you.

You don't even have primary emotions and you know that.

- [Jafe] I, I just got primary emotions.

- What?

- [Jafe] It was just the Blidge Equinox,

and I passed the trials, whatever.

- Oh, Jafe, that's great. Why didn't you tell me?

- [Jafe] Well, I didn't wanna take away

from you and the human.

- Oh, Jafe, I'm so proud of you.

Primary emotions.

(warm music)

And thank you for listening to me.

- [Jafe] Well, between you and me,

I think all the listening really helped in the trial.

So thank you.

- You honor me.

- [Jafe] Oh, before I forget,

I need to send you this document

or Treve will have my head.

- Send away. And tell me about your trials.

(copier whirring and clicking) (bright music)

(copier whirs) - Jafe?

- Did it go through? - Mm, no.

- [Jafe] Weird.

All right, how about now? (copier whirs)

- Did you press one?

- [Jafe] It's doing everything it's supposed to do.

I don't know what's wrong. It should come right to you.

- Do I have to push something over here?

(copier whirs)

- [Jafe] Do you usually have to push something there?

- No. Usually...

Hey, are you getting snippy?

- A little? - First time?

- [Jafe] Did I do it right?

- You did it great. How did it feel?

- [Jafe] Nearly natural. Not bad.

- (chuckles) It came off really natural.

- [Jafe] Thank you.

- [Jafe] Should I do anything, or?

(copier thuds and whirs)

It sounds like you got it.

(copier whirs) - Aha! Needs paper.

(bright music)

- [Jafe] Oh, boy, oh, boy. I'm ready to go home.

What?

I'm in here. I'm on the thing. (paper flutters)

You just decide, all right? Get the menus.

Close the door!

(door thuds) (bright music continues)

- Jafe?

(copier whirs) - [Jafe] Hail Soika! Amy?

- Yeah, I'm here.

- [Jafe] Hey, sorry, I think we got disconnected on my end.

Did the D-19 come through?

- It's not...

Hang on. (Jafe groans)

(copier whirring) (gentle music)

- [Jafe] It is just a mess here.

- It's coming through. - [Jafe] Oh, finally.

Whoo, that is a load off.

(bright music) (copier whirs)

- I'll fill these out tonight and get them back to you

to get to the Council in the morning.

Does that work? - Oh, that's fine.

- All right, talk to you tomorrow.

- [Jafe] Okay.

And, Amy, I'm sure your human will come back to his senses.

- Honestly, it was more trouble than it was worth.

I'm glad I didn't have to go to bat

with the Council for his life.

- [Jafe] But you feel bad.

- And I never want to again.

So I won't. Hail Soika.

- [Jafe] Hail Soika.

- Now, I wish to hear about your trials.

(upbeat music)

(cupboard squeaks)

- Good news, Jen.

Guess who's got a conference call with corporate

to discuss the database situation?

Answer: this guy right here. - Cooperman!

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

- Here are Clark's SEPs that you wanted.

(drawer thuds)

- Thank you.

- [Brian] Just so you know,

I'm not, um, pushing or anything.

Take your time. Decide whenever.

- I don't require time. - Oh, okay.

Ah.

- I believe further discussion will be unnecessary.

Nothing will be transpiring between us.

- [Brian] What does that mean?

- I've decided to turn off these emotions.

They are an interference to the job I need to do.

Both jobs I need to do.

(computer keys clacking)

- Well if that's the way you really feel about it.

- You misunderstand, Brian.

I don't feel anything.

You may be hindered by that distraction. I am not.

- [Brian] Fine! (folder flutters)

(Amy sighs)

- [Drone] No, I never did wonder why.

(computer keys clack)

- Hey, gang.

So we all know that the wheels are in motion

on this Planicka thing.

Clark and Cooperman have already picked up the West Coast.

And I don't have to tell you

that this thing will be our major project this quarter.

I especially don't have to tell Steve, right?

(employees laugh)

But how major? What's the workload?

What's the deal with this deal?

Well, I'll be busy coordinating the subcontractors

with Planicka's people's needs.

That's a full-time job on its own,

and they don't pay me overtime.

But they do pay me a super-lot of money,

so I'm not too upset about it.

Anyway, Brian will be my blocking back.

He'll be your go-to guy for anti Planicka-related issues,

methodizing your workload with the requests from Arlington.

This morning, Brian will give us an overview

of how this will break down,

and we'll get into specifics

at a later PowerPoint presentation at two today.

Brian.

(lights click)

Go ahead, Brian.

(footsteps shuffling)

(slide clicks)

- Hey, everyone. I'm Brian.

But you all probably know that.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Um, the Planicka project's moving forward.

And what does that mean to us?

Well, diligence.

We all have to be really diligent when we're working.

Right?

Does this make sense?

Okay, uh, let me explain it another way.

Uh, work is work.

Because we're here to- - Keep it moving.

- [Brian] I think I'm losing some of them.

- Good instinct. - Where was I? Where was I?

Work is work. Uh, some people really like their work.

In fact, some people, all they think about is work

and not, you know, the emotions of humans,

which is good for, uh, for OmniLink,

if not for the, um,

you know, emotions.

So let's keep working while we're working on our work

and not do other things like, uh, I don't know,

um, observe people

or, uh, make someone fall in love with you

and then threaten to blow some stuff up, for example.

- What? - Blow stuff up?

- That was just a for example.

Nobody's blowing anything up. Yet.

Let me put it in another way. - Please do that.

(slide clicks)

- Here's the big one:

Let's keep it professional in the office. Okay, gang?

- Did you do everything on one slide?

- Let's just save the questions for the end. Okay, Pete?

Okay. You know what?

Look at this. You'll love this.

(slide clicks)

This is a graph of one worker's productivity

over the past couple of days, right?

You see the decline in productivity right here.

It's a steep drop-off.

What happened?

- Uh, did he die? - No, he didn't die.

He started fraternizing with Amy in this seat.

Nobody do that, or your work could suffer.

- Wrap it up, Brian. - Oh, okay.

Well, if it's that easy,

why don't you just wrap it up, Pete?

Or better yet, why don't you ask her?

She knows how easy it is.

But forgive me if I can't just wrap it up. I am a person.

I have emotions. People have emotions.

- Brian, act like a professional, would you?

- [Brian] Well, sure.

Well, take her side.

- That's not a side.

- She loves her job. - That's right. I do.

And I'm good at it. - I bet you are.

I bet if there were a graph of your productivity,

it would be something to see, I bet.

Oh, wait. There is a graph, a bar graph.

- Oh. - Oh, man.

(employees groan indistinctly)

- Ho!

(employee chuckles)

- This PowerPoint is over.

- But no, wait.

- It's over! (computer beeps)

- No, but, but, hey, but each one

of the bars is a word- - It's over!

- and the words spell out Amy-

(birds chirp)

Any questions?

(birds chirp)

Okay, then.

(footsteps stomping)

(employees sigh and cough)

(chair rattling) (light clicks)

(employee sighs)

- That was barely about Planicka at all.

(telephone ringing) (tense music)

- (sighs) That was so unprofessional.

- It was pretty bad. (telephone rings)

- You know what I do when Ian lets me down?

- You tell everyone.

- I throw myself into my work.

- [Amy] I think that's just what I'll do.

- You can get a whole lot done, honey.

- I could really advance the timetable. That would show him.

- Yeah, it would.

- Wait a minute.

What, what timetable are we talking about here?

- Ours, our timetable. The one we have.

- Oh, no,

Wendell hasn't turned in next quarter's schedule yet.

(scoffs) You can't do that.

(tense music) (telephone rings)

- You can tell Wendell it's not gonna be

as urgent as we thought.

- Oh, but it is. It is urgent.

Every day it becomes more urgent.

- Okay, Wendell can do the schedule.

Have you forgiven Ian?

(tense music)

- I don't see one thing has to do with the other.

- Have you?

- [Miryam] Of course I have.

I was six hours of mad at him.

That was like 12 hours ago.

- Congratulations.

(gentle music)

- I know you think that I'm foolish the way I keep yo-yoing

back and forth with him, which I am.

- You're only human. - That is true.

But,

we are thinking of moving in together.

I know that you think I'm weird,

and I was really scared to tell you

because I have been silly.

(tense music)

- I would tell you to enjoy your time together.

- We do. We enjoy every chance we get.

- Tell Wendell not to worry about that schedule.

(bright music)

- You're in a weird mood.

(telephone ringing) (tense music)

(copier whirring) (tense music continues)

(copier buzzes and continues whirring)

(Ian clears throat)

- Hey, um,

I'm really sorry about what happened in there.

- You treat her right.

- I don't know who you mean.

Oh, you mean Miryam probably?

- Yes. - Yeah, I intend to. So.

- You always intend to.

Do it. For two days.

- Two days. That's it?

I, I can do that. No problem.

- Can you? - Yeah, of course.

I mean, yeah, I can.

I'll, yeah, I'll...

Yeah. Yes, I can, yeah.

Two days, I will, yes.

Totally. Two days.

(copier whirring)

So what, uh, what is it that you are making copies of?

(copier whirring)

- Oh, I'm done. Look at that.

(copier beeps) (door slams)

(door squeaks) (telephone rings)

(electronics beeping)

(connection whining and warbling)

(copier beeps)

- [Jafe] Hail Soika.

- Hail Soika. - Amy.

- Launch the attack.

(lively dramatic music)

- [Jafe] Hello, Jafe. How have you been?

- Jafe. - [Jafe] Oh, I'm fine.

I got my secondary emotions, so that's good.

(bright music)

- Jafe. That's great. - Thank you.

- I didn't know you were attempting the secondary trials.

- [Jafe] Well, I didn't tell anyone,

because what if I failed, you know?

It's, it's a big deal.

- I'm gonna get you a gift from Earth.

- You don't have to. - I want to.

- [Jafe] You're so sweet.

- I recognize your achievement.

- [Jafe] Thank you. So Earth is ready to be Soika-ed?

- They'll be glad to be put out of their misery.

- [Jafe] Happy to be destroyed? That's crazy.

- I know. Their emotions are upside-down and backwards.

- [Jafe] Will you miss it?

- Just root beer.

- [Jafe] Oh, root beer. So delicious, right?

We have it now, thanks to your notes. Love it.

- Then I guess there's nothing I'll miss.

- [Jafe] All right. I'll put this paperwork through.

That'll take a few hours,

and then they'll leave in the morning first thing.

Oh, wait. Is that breakfast tomorrow?

The Council has a breakfast,

so they'll leave after breakfast,

and then they'll destroy Earth by, say afternoon-ish.

Five o'clock your time? Sound good?

- They can't cancel the breakfast.

- [Jafe] It's a really important breakfast, Amy.

Hail Soika. - Hail Soika.

(button beeps) (copier buzzing)

(dreamy music) (copier beeps)

(dreamy music rises)

(mysterious music)

(paper flutters) (knuckles rasping)

(copier whirring) (mysterious music continues)

(box thuds)

- You know, I'm really gonna miss you, man.

- Well, I hope there's still a place for me

in your organization. (joystick thuds)

- Well, not if that's the kinda shit you're gonna pull.

- I didn't mean it.

- You made a PowerPoint presentation about it.

- Oh. (telephone rings)

(office supplies scrape and clang)

(copier whirring) All right.

I'll be good. Tell the overlords.

- Shh, be cool.

Can you not be cool? - Really, no.

(supplies clink) - Hey.

Wanted to make sure you were doing this.

Okay, good.

(stapler clacks) That's ours.

(copier whirring) (telephone rings)

(employees chattering indistinctly)

If you ever get the opportunity to do another PowerPoint,

use more than one slide.

(telephone rings) (copier whirring)

- Right. - Did you see it?

- [Cooperman] Gentlemen.

(supplies thud)

- I will miss you most of all, Cooperman.

- Came to say your goodbyes?

- No, uh, I was coming to make sure that this thing

that seems to be happening, uh, isn't gonna happen.

That Brian isn't getting fired?

- I'm pretty sure that whole display was an, "I quit."

- No way.

Brian, was that an "I quit"?

- Well, I would say it is not the sort of thing

a person does if a person wants to keep his job.

- My mistake. And I apologize.

Do you not want to keep working here?

- No. I, I do. I really like it here.

I, or I did until...

(copier whirring)

(sighs) But I can't expect to keep my job after-

- Oh. Okay, that was not a self-destructive act of quitting.

- No?

- That was the act of a guy having an off day.

- Really off. Yeah.

- And you learned your lesson

about fraternizing in the office.

I mean, if we take nothing else from that presentation,

we can take that.

- Never again.

Never, never, never.

- So, he doesn't quit. He learned his lesson.

Do you fire a guy who's been,

how many years have you been here, Brian?

- Six years. - Six years.

Hey, is that longer than you've been here, Clark?

- Yeah. Twice as long. - Huh.

When did you start, Pete? - Three years back.

- Hmm, and I've been here less than a year.

Brian, you showed me the ropes. You've got seniority.

In some cultures, they respect that.

Do you fire a guy like Brian for a mistake

that didn't cost us anything,

that he made in-house,

from which he learned a valuable lesson

and reaffirmed his desire to continue his employment?

- Hmm.

- If the staff isn't free to make the occasional mistake,

woe to the workplace.

- Don't sell past the close, Cooperman.

You get one more strike, Brian.

- Really? - Yes.

I'm counting today as two.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got a PowerPoint presentation to prep.

- Oh, hey. - Good to see you.

(employees chattering indistinctly)

- Wow. - Wow!

Wow, Cooperman, thanks!

- Hey, it happens.

The capacity to forgive is a beautiful thing.

Am I right, fellas?

- Have you exercised your capacity

on the douches up at corporate

for going alphabetical in the database?

- No.

- I'm sure they'll come around.

- They definitely will.

- You know what?

I'm gonna actually make a call about that

while it's fresh on my mind.

Brian, glad you're not going anywhere.

- Thanks again, Cooperman. - Cooperman!

- Cooperman comes through!

- I used to think that guy was an extraterrestrial.

- Cooperman?

- Well, he gets so much work done.

- God, and he's so nice. - I know.

(copier whirring)

- Maybe he is one. - He probably is.

- Hey, is a, is a hippie a race of aliens?

- Oh, for sure.

"We come from the planet Patchouli.

Take me to your jam band."

(copier whirring) (telephone rings)

- Are you messing with me? - No.

(stapler clacks and thuds) (telephone rings)

- Oh, I can take it out. (Clark laughs)

(copier whirring)

- Sorry about today, Amy.

- Not your fault.

And, hey, I got a lot of work done.

- I decided to give Brian another chance.

Is that okay with you?

- He's not my problem anymore, you know?

(employees chattering indistinctly)

- I admire your professionalism.

(frantic music)

- I hope you like exploding

because that's what you've got to look forward to, buddy.

Yes. No, I was holding for Wendell. Sure.

Can you ask him to give Amy a call when he gets a chance?

Yeah. Bye.

(sinister music)

Oh, you'll perish.

You will definitely explode.

(Amy mimics explosion blasting)

(frantic music) (telephone rings)

(fist banging)

- [Drone] Ah!

(water cooler clacking) (menacing music)

(menacing music rises) (cup crinkles)

- You'll get yours.

(unsettling music)

(cup thwacks) (drone gasps)

(telephone rings)

- Good morning, Mr. Planicka.

Sure. No.

Nope. Yes.

(chuckles) Absolutely not.

So we agree.

Perfect. I'm your man. (playful music)

Yes, 12%. No, 12%.

Mm-hm. Yeah, that's it exactly.

(dreamy music)

Uh, well, I think we can, uh,

try to get that to 10% for you, sir.

But I think 11% would be a victory.

(dreamy music)

Yes.

High five, Mr. Planicka.

Sure thing.

(dreamy music continues)

(dreamy music continues)

- Miryam?

What's wrong?

(gentle music)

(gentle music continues)

Can you tell me what happened?

(Miryam sniffles)

Ian did something to you.

(Miryam sobs)

What did Ian do this time? (Miryam sobs)

(gentle music)

Did he break up with you?

(Miryam sobs)

Worse?

Is it something worse than breaking up with you?

(gasps) Did he have intercourse

with someone else besides you?

(Miryam sobs)

Is that yes? Are you telling me yes?

(frantic music) (Miryam sobs)

That low life, that mongrel.

(hand thuds) I swear to God.

I swear to God, that is not how you treat your human!

(frantic music) (Miryam gasps)

(Miryam sobs) (somber music)

(telephone rings)

(telephone rings)

- Hello?

Who's this?

Oh yeah, it's Ian.

Uh, no, now's not good.

Work.

All right. All right. I'll be right there.

(Ian sighs)

(telephone rings)

(door clacks)

(frantic sinister music)

(frantic sinister music continues)

(menacing music)

(menacing music continues)

- Oh God, no. Okay.

- Two days. - Right. No, I know.

- All you had to do was not be a prick for two days.

You said you could do it, but you couldn't. You couldn't.

- Oh, I, I nearly made it.

- Hi, guys. - Hey.

(Ian thuds and sighs)

- Nearly?

You can shove nearly up your ass.

You are a prick and you're mean.

And that sweet woman has given you no end of chances

to change and to deserve her.

And what do you do?

- Okay, you are yelling.

- Damn right, I am yelling. - Okay.

- Hey, everyone!

Ian is a prick!

- Okay. (Brian laughs)

That's so unprofessional.

- Prick. - Okay. (scoffs)

What do you care?

(suspenseful music)

(Ian thuds)

- I'm glad what's gonna happen is gonna happen to you.

(suspenseful music continues)

(employees chattering indistinctly)

- Wait, what's gonna happen?

Hey, what's gonna happen?

(telephone rings) (employees speak indistinctly)

I'm not a prick.

- [Clark] No! No!

- Clarf, guess what? - Brian, come on.

- [Clark] And it's Clarf.

- What's wrong? Are you agitated?

You seem agitated. Why are you agitated?

- Do you know about Amy?

- Yeah. I was gonna come tell you.

I think I like her again.

I'm smitten. I'm a smitten kitten.

- Brian, look at my face.

Do you see how serious I am?

Why didn't you tell me she's a Soika?

- Is it a big deal? - Is it a big deal?

- Okay. Okay. I can see it's a big deal.

I mean, I didn't know it was a big deal.

You didn't tell me what kind you were.

But I thought if you wanted me to know,

you would just tell me.

- Okay. Amy's a Soika.

The Soika are an emotionally backwater,

highly advanced alien species that destroy planets.

They use planets for fuel in a process that destroys them.

The planets, not the Soika.

They wouldn't be so advanced

if they were always destroying themselves.

- Yeah, I knew about that.

- You knew that they were planning on destroying the planet,

and you didn't think that was worth mentioning?

- Well, I was pissed.

I didn't wanna talk about her anymore.

And I thought she had just turned off her emotions.

But it turns out she can't.

She didn't. She's human.

- No, she's not!

- She's human enough for me. Smitten.

- Brian, in the future,

breaking up with someone who has a say in whether

or not your planet is destroyed is a bad idea.

- Wait, are you freaking out because she's-

- Yeah, the Soika are coming. - When?

- Before the end of the business day.

- Oh, man. - Yeah.

You wanna know how I know?

My guys just told me. My guys hate the Soika.

And the way they see it is since I was here before Amy was,

they've got intergalactic dibs on Earth.

So now my guys are coming here, too.

They're gonna give the Soika a chance to slow down,

but the Soika have been en route for like a day,

and they really, really hate my guys right back.

So what's gonna end up happening is a battle.

- A star war.

- Sure.

Point is, Earth will be the staging ground

and that ain't good.

If I survive this, I'm probably gonna get fired.

- Me too. (Clark sighs)

- Okay, we've got to find Amy

and see if we can talk her out of this.

- I bet I can help.

- Let me ask you, if it meant saving Earth,

would you get back together with her?

- Let me think about it. Yes.

- Let's go find her. - Oh, um...

- You're a Soika? - Shh!

- You called in your guys.

- Look, I don't even know what you are, so.

- I'm a Xorm. - Oh!

- Is that a good one?

- Well, there are worse ones to be.

I'm not talking to you.

- Wait, what did you think I was?

- Not a Xorm.

- Amy, you gotta call your guys off.

- Yeah, Brian will go out with you.

- Hey, what the? - Oh, he'll go out with me?

Well, that's all I want

in this whole soon-to-be-charred world.

Let me call off my guys.

- Look, the Xorm, long live them,

are on their way here, too.

- The Xorm aren't so tough. - You know they are.

There will be countless casualties in the battle.

- The Star Wars. - Shh.

- The Soika won't roll over for anyone.

The bloodshed today will be mostly Xorm.

- Well, it'll be mostly human.

- Oh, sure. - Hey!

- Look, come on.

Call your guys and tell 'em not to come in.

I'll call mine and do the same. We can work this thing out.

- Your guys are on their way? - Yeah, they just left.

- Oh, by the time they get here,

mine will have been and gone. - Yeah, that's crazy.

My guys are gonna be here in like an hour, hour and a half.

- Wow. - What?

- It's really fast. - That's the Xorm.

- Look, all I want is off this planet

and to see it destroyed.

So two things.

(Clark sighs)

- [Drone] Shh! Everybody, Cooperman's here.

(employees speak indistinctly) (suspenseful music)

- Ho-ho-ho. What is this?

Oh, okay. Oh my gosh, you guys.

- Happy birthday, Cooperman. - You guys!

- From all your friends at OmniLink.

Usually when I say that, I don't really mean it,

but, Cooperman, you're one of the good ones.

(Cooperman chuckles)

And now it's my pleasure to lead the staff

in the OmniLink birthday appreciation.

(kazoo toots)

♪ From the boss of your branch ♪

♪ To the bosses up at corporate ♪

♪ OmniLink thinks you're first-rate ♪

♪ So give a holler, give a cheer ♪

♪ For Cooperman lived another year ♪

- Whoo! - Hooray!

(employees cheering and applauding)

- [Drone] Cooperman!

- Whoo! - Whoo-hoo!

- I think everyone here knows what your wish is, Cooperman.

- Yeah, that Eddie and everybody back at corporate

will get their heads outta their asses

and change the database configurations

back to chronological. - That's right.

- [Cooperman] (chuckles) You got it, friend.

- [Pete] Yeah.

- Rrr. (chuckles)

God, okay, you know. (clears throat)

- That's good. - Come on.

Blow out the candles, Cooperman.

(Cooperman clears throat)

- You know, someone else do it.

I- - Just blow 'em out, honey.

(Cooperman groaning)

- [Cooperman] Crap.

- Um, okay. Uh, let's have some cake.

(Miryam puffs and laughs) (crowd laughs)

- Do you not see that he- - Take one. Pass it down.

- A bunch of- - No.

- Did you guys see the- - Bingo.

- the white lights? - What?

- That's what kind of alien he is.

- It's short for something really hard to say.

- Harder than Clarf? - Not right.

- Or Soika? - Close.

- It's short for Bingodomoranenella.

- My guy nicknamed them Bingos.

- Everyone calls him that. It's not mega-clever.

- I didn't claim it was.

- I think it's kinda clever. - No.

- Are they good guys or bad guys?

- They're like the aliens from "Close Encounters."

- I never saw that. - Really? It's pretty good.

Actually, it's pretty boring right up until the end.

- Are they like the mmm-mmm? - Ah, sorta.

- Are they like (gurgles and snarls)?

- No, they're just like these benevolent dudes

from Planet Beanbag,

who aren't into invasion or destruction.

They just wanna know about all the different kinds of life

in the universe.

- Well, hey, so you were right about him.

He is an alien. - Yeah, I know I was right.

But if a Bingo's on your planet,

that means they're thinking about evolving humans.

- Cool. - Sucks you'll be blown up

before that happens. - Oh, yeah.

- Unless we can get 'em to evolve you guys

in the next two hours.

- They better not.

- The last time Bingos evolved a planet before we got there,

they totally wrecked our invasion.

- Mine too.

(frantic music) - Bingo.

- [All] Cooperman!

- [Brian] Cooperman.

- Don't freak out, you guys. I come in peace.

- No, it's okay.

Listen, Cooperman, you have to evolve us.

It's an emergency. - What?

- Xorm, Soika, Human. (bright music)

- Okay. I knew it.

Super surprised.

And I knew it.

- Yeah, well, the Soika are on their way here right now.

She called them because he broke up with her.

- That's not why. - That's totally why.

The alien invasion and subsequent destruction

of the Earth is absolutely all my fault.

- Well, not all. - Mostly, though.

- Yeah, well, the Xorm are also on their way here

because they found out the Soika are moving into a planet

they have dibs on.

- You can't call a planet.

- The Xorm can. - Whatever.

- Well, if they both get here,

you guys know exactly what that's gonna be like.

- [Extraterrestrials] Rigel-Nine.

- Star war.

- Yeah...

But if you evolve them

and the Soika won't destroy them,

my guys won't try to invade them,

and Earth will live to see another day.

- Do it, Cooperman. I'm ready.

You're not ready for the Bingos' gifts.

- You guys call yourselves the Bingos?

- We appropriated it. Loses its power that way.

- Cooperman, look at my brain.

It's practically begging to be evolved.

- Oh, Brian. I mean, humanity's not ready.

I'm here observing, and from what I've seen,

and don't get me wrong, you guys are great,

you're not ready for the Bingos' gifts.

- Well, shit, we totally are. Come on.

- Uh, I'm not. - Shut up, Ian.

- Cooperman, evolve us.

We're good. Go. - Yeah. Come on.

- Sorry, everybody.

I have to go prepare the evacuation of the Bingos

from this poor planet before it's too-soon demise.

(Clark sighs)

- Wait a minute. Wait, you guys.

When do your guys get here?

- Hour and a half. - And your guys?

- Hour. - Wow again.

- Xorm. - Okay, whatever.

Now, listen, and listen closely.

I just might have a plan to save the Earth.

Now, if everybody does exactly what I say,

this little blue planet might just be the better

for us having here in this place at this time.

- All right.

Everyone, do what Brian tells you.

Brian, you're project manager

for saving the Earth.

(Brian sighs) (gentle music)

(lively upbeat music)

(lively upbeat music continues)

(warm upbeat music)

(warm upbeat music continues)

♪ I've been dreamin' ♪

♪ Of flashbacks and mortar rounds ♪

♪ Surveys on subtle falls ♪

♪ Out as I'm fury-bound ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm bound ♪ - [Pete] You're all right.

It's another place. Just hold on tight. It's another place.

People try. There's another place.

There's a reason behind. There's another place.

We can make a stop. There's another place.

We can make it happen. There's another place.

If you wanna stop, let's stop.

♪ Settle it down, down, down ♪ - [Pete] Down, down, down.

♪ Settle it down, down, down ♪ - [Pete] Settle down, down.

♪ Settle it down, down, down ♪ - [Pete] Settle down, down.

♪ Settle it down, down, down ♪ - Settle down, down.

Kittens, the Eiffel Tower, ice cream and other desserts.

Since the dawn of man,

human achievement has been so super awesome.

In leaps and bounds, we, the people of Earth,

have worked to construct a greater planet.

We are living in what one might call our Golden Age.

Since the Industrial Revolution,

humanity has strived to embody three ideals.

Whether you're a baseball fan

who wanted his team to win the Series,

Boston Red Sox, 2004,

or a scientist dreaming of a cure,

Jonas Salk, polio vaccine,

or a Black woman who wanted a better seat on a bus.

Rosa Parks rode a bus.

Or maybe you're just part of a team made up

of the inspirational, the productive, or the benevolent.

These are the men and women, the inspirational, productive,

and benevolent souls who make this planet great.

(employees applauding)

- Come on, hon. Save us.

(Cooperman rumbles) - Cooperman.

(gentle music)

- Okay, okay. Wait.

- Uh, hi, everyone. I'm, I'm Brian.

But you all know that.

You all also probably know that I'm a, a, an idiot.

I'm a drone, just like the rest of you.

And that was pretty much fine by me.

I had little to think about

and even less to care about.

(sighs) Noble bumblebee right here.

Uh, but then I started thinking,

and even worse, I started caring.

I just wasn't used to that stuff.

I started acting stupider

than when I wasn't thinking and when I wasn't caring.

Amy, you say you don't care about us, but I know you do.

I see how happy you are.

You talk to your little pet Xerox robot.

How you light up when Pete brings in donuts

to the break room.

How you beat up Ian.

It's because you care about, about Miryam,

about donuts, and about your pet Xerox robot.

(gentle music)

- It's not a robot.

- It's because you have emotions.

I didn't think you had them, but you do.

And once you start having them, you can't stop.

You're only human.

- No, I'm not. - Are too.

- Brian, no.

(warm gentle music)

- You're human enough for me.

Now, I'm not asking you to turn around your spaceships,

but if this beautiful little planet is going

to be destroyed, I wanna know that you care enough

to forgive me for being just some dumb old human jerk.

(warm gentle music)

So what'd he say? Do you forgive me?

(no audio)

- Pete, call Corporate

and tell 'em to make the damn database chronological

and not alphabetical. - On it.

(bright gentle music)

- Forgive me. - Forgive me.

- For what? Oh, right, right.

(phone clicks)

- Chronological. We've got chronological.

(vibrant music)

- [Clark] Cooperman.

(vibrant music continues)

(vibrant music continues)

(bright mysterious music)

(frantic music)

- Did it work? Have we evolved?

- I feel good. - Yeah, but are you evolved?

(mysterious music)

(cup clicks)

(button clacking)

(mysterious music continues)

(employees chattering indistinctly)

(mysterious music continues) (water glugs)

(water trickling) (triumphant music)

- Hey.

(triumphant music rises)

Hey!

(employees chattering indistinctly)

- [Drone] I could've seen this coming.

(somber music)

(employees speak indistinctly) (somber music continues)

(somber music continues) (telephone rings)

(employees chattering faintly)

Baby, I'm, I'm sorry.

(somber music)

I'm so, so sorry.

I, about all of it.

(somber music continues)

- Sorry, I...

- Honey.

- Is there any way that you can find it inside you

to forgive me, please?

I... (sobs)

(gentle music)

- Of course, honey.

(warm triumphant music)

- No.

Uh-uh, that's over forever.

(employees chattering indistinctly)

- That's fair.

(employees chattering indistinctly)

(sighs) Yeah, that's fair.

(bright playful music) (Amy giggles)

(copier beeps) - Jafe?

Jafe?

- [Jafe] Hail Soika. Amy, is that you?

- No, Jafe. It's someone else.

- [Jafe] I'm not sure I understand.

(sighs) Is this someone else?

- [Amy] Only secondary emotional capabilities.

- (scoffs) Weak. - Well.

- [Jafe] Uh, is this someone else?

I heard two voices.

Is one of you called Amy?

- What is it, Jafe?

- [Jafe] Listen, I don't know who you are

or how you know about me,

but would you tell Amy

that the approaching army got heavy readings

of Bingo energy off Earth

and were belaying our attack pending confirmation

that the Earthlings have not evolved.

Repeat, Earthlings have not evolved.

- It's me, Jafe. It's Amy.

They are. They are evolved.

- [Jafe] Ah, hold on. Yeah, they did.

No, they did. Amy just confirmed it.

We always go there.

Yes, she's right here. Do you wanna ask her?

No? Okay.

I'll get her to write up a report.

(copier whirs)

Hey, Amy, bad news, the invasion is aborted.

So you're gonna need to do another pass at all your research

for another, how long? (copier flutters)

Thank you. 50 years.

Let us know if it's worth revisiting.

Sorry, sweetie. You're stuck.

- Hey, hail Soika, you know?

- [Jafe] That's the spirit!

(vibrant music) Hail Soika! Hail Soika!

(vibrant music continues)

(gentle mysterious music)

(mysterious music rises)

- Well, I'm fired.

They're putting this whole thing on me.

I guess now that Earth's not on the invasion table anymore,

they're taken off with without me.

Looks like I'm here.

- Sounds like you'll have time for more responsibilities.

- Yeah.

Oh, yeah!

I guess I'm good right, right here.

- Yeah, we'll work something out.

- Great.

(employees chattering indistinctly)

- Good worker. Iffy loyalty, though.

(gentle acoustic music)

♪ Does green mean stop or go ♪

♪ Is plastic good to eat ♪

♪ Should I put a hat on my head or on my feet ♪

♪ Tell me why a birthday comes only once a year ♪

♪ I'm not from around here ♪

♪ What do chickens dream about ♪

♪ When they lay their eggs at night ♪

♪ Why do tears and laughter sound so much alike ♪

♪ Why are there so many different kinds of beer ♪

♪ I'm not from around here ♪

♪ Who receives on Christmas Eve ♪

♪ What's reason and what's right ♪

♪ Show me, tell me, ring my bell ♪

♪ We haven't got much time ♪

(bright music)

♪ How do windshield wipers know ♪

♪ When it starts to rain ♪

♪ How do the commuters know ♪

♪ When it's time to leave the train ♪

♪ What is hate, what's boredom ♪

♪ What's jealousy, what's fear ♪

♪ I'm not from around here ♪

♪ Tell me, I'm not from around here ♪

(gentle music fades)

(bright gentle music)

♪ Back from my trip 'round the universe ♪

♪ They need me to be quarantined, but first ♪

♪ Before all your questions, let me just expand ♪

♪ Love makes all the other worlds go 'round ♪

♪ Love makes all the other worlds go 'round ♪

♪ I started with our solar system, then turned right ♪

♪ Navigating by candlelight ♪

♪ And everywhere I went, same old story found ♪

♪ Love makes all the other worlds go 'round ♪

♪ Love makes all the other worlds go 'round ♪

♪ This world spins 'round from love ♪

♪ Heard it in the past ♪

♪ Poetry and science completes the tale at last ♪

(gentle music)

♪ So when you look up at a starry sky ♪

♪ Loneliness engulfs you, darkness fills your eye ♪

♪ No matter where turn, to the heavens or just downtown ♪

♪ Love makes all the other worlds go 'round ♪

♪ Love makes all the other worlds go 'round ♪

(gentle music)

(gentle music continues)

(gentle music continues)

(no audio)