Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[bright music playing]

- Yes, Mrs. O'Shay. - [Mrs. O'Shay speaking indistinctly]

Yes, Bridget's our daughter.

Oh, she's teaching your son's class. Well, isn't that nice?

It isn't nice?

Oh, no... No, no. That definitely isn't nice.

What, Walt? What isn't nice?

- [Mrs. O'Shay speaking indistinctly] - It's Mrs. O'Shay from our parish.

Oh, she's very nice.

Oh, is she still protesting the bingo games?

Amy, this is a lot more serious than bingo.

- Yes, but... Oh. - Shh, shh.

Yes. Yes, Mrs. O'Shay, I'm listening.

Well, it's just that I can't believe

that my little girl is teaching what you say she's teaching.

I mean, with her upbringing,

she hardly knows anything about it herself.

Yes. Well, if that is true, then that school is to blame,

and they will hear from me, you can rest assured of that.

Yes. Goodbye.

If what... what, Walt? If what's true? What's Bridget teaching?

Amy, our daughter is teaching S-E-X education in school.

Oh, my.

Oh, she's come a long way from immaculate Heart Academy.

[cash register dings]

I'm, uh, looking for a Mrs. Steinberg. I'm Mrs. O'Shay.

You can have your choice, my daughter-in-law or me.

Bridget Steinberg?

My son is in her fourth-grade class.

Oh, then he's a very lucky boy.

That's my daughter-in-law.

But she's not home from school now. Can I help you?

Well, I'm afraid it's a matter between me and your daughter-in-law

and, uh, quite possibly the Board of Education.

Well, I hope the Board of Education and that sour look doesn't mean trouble.

Only if she insists on conducting that class tomorrow in sex education.

Good day.

Thank you.

Sex education?

She's lying.

Tell me that woman is lying.

She's lying.

But in that fourth-grade class that your daughter teaches,

do you think there's room for a 70-year-old man?

Well, I didn't know I was teaching it myself until this morning.

It was supposed to be Miss Tompkins' class,

but she had twins last night.

Miss Tompkins?

Had twins?

It sounds as if she weren't exactly the best choice

for teaching sex education.

Well, more like she's a big wheel in women's lib.

Oh?

- She's Mrs. Thorndike to her husband. - I see.

Hey, I'm very proud you volunteered.

Oh. [chuckles]

Well, I got it by default.

The problem was, I was the only other lower-grade teacher

who'd taken the college courses for teaching that class.

Yeah, well, now it's Mrs. O'Shay's problem.

She even made it my mother's problem.

Ow.

Oh, by the way, from the sound of your father's voice when he called,

I got a feeling it's his problem too.

Can you imagine our folks still so uptight about sex

and reacting that way?

[chuckles]

I mean, that's why this class is so important, Bernie,

to teach the kids

that their parents' problems don't have to be their problems.

I couldn't agree more.

Like, what harm is there in a 12-minute film?

Film?

Hey, I thought you were just giving a lecture.

- Well, this is an audio-visual aid. - I see.

[Bridget] It's right here in the catalog.

- A lot of the schools are showing it. - Hey, hey, I believe you.

But, um, I think in order to quiet my mother's palpitations,

you'd better tell her and me exactly what it is.

Yeah. "Presents basic information on fertilization

and birth in animals and humans"?

I don't think we're gonna tell my mother exactly what it is.

I mean, it doesn't sound quite like Walt Disney Presents.

Bernie, this is serious.

Yeah, I know, babe.

But, you know, look,

our parents' generation were raised on the birds and the bees.

I mean, I don't think my mother's quite ready

for, uh, "Fertilization in Humans."

You sound about as hung up as they are.

This is a delicate and lovely little film.

Hey.

I know.

And you know something?

Even if I didn't,

if you believe in it, I believe in it.

[telephone ringing]

- Hello? - Hello, sweetheart.

This is your daddy.

Uh, hi, Daddy. Bernie said you called.

Uh, nothing important, dearest.

Just a call from a proud and interested father

to his favorite daughter.

Uh... what's new?

I'm teaching a class in sex education, no matter what you say.

She's teaching it.

There goes your "father to his favorite daughter" approach.

Well, Bridget, darling, what exactly is it that you'll be teaching

in your S-E-X class?

Well, it's part of a family living class, Daddy.

And tomorrow we'll be showing a film on fertilization and birth.

Fertil... Bir... You're showing a mov...

Amy, would you mind stepping away from the phone?

I don't think you should hear this.

Walt, I can't hear anything except you.

And I can hear you anytime.

Daddy, fourth graders today are just light-years away

from the birds and the bees.

Well, granted, but most of them are hardly ready

for fertilization and birth.

Fertili...?

Oh, my.

She's a long, long way from immaculate Heart.

If you could just see this film,

you'd realize how mid-Victorian you're being.

It's delicate and beautifully done.

Oh. Mr. Fitzgerald?

Listen, if you have so many reservations about the film,

um, I think you ought to see it yourself.

Oh, Bernie, I hardly think that would be necessary.

I suppose I'm just being an overprotective father.

Well, I think you are, sir.

Uh, I mean, after all, it's right here in the school board's approved catalog.

"Presents basic information on fertilization and birth

in animals and humans."

Oh, well, maybe I should have a look at that film, for all our best interests.

Um, I'll just drop by and pick it up.

[whistles]

Oh, you're just in time. What an afternoon.

Tell me later, Sophie.

Who cares about this afternoon when we're thinking about tonight?

Yeah. You should see some of the things we got

for Mal's bachelor party.

No, no, she shouldn't see some of the things we got

for Mal's bachelor party.

Fluorescent "his and hers" pajamas so they can find each other in the dark.

A gift certificate for a heart transplant

in case he makes it past the first week of marriage.

And you call yourselves grown men?

Oh, Sophie, what's the harm in Mal getting together

with some of his friends for a few laughs?

- [telephone ringing] - Sure.

Once the honeymoon is over, he'll have very few.

Steinberg's. Hello?

Morris? You got it?

- He got what? - Uh, nothing.

Just some favors he's dropping off for the party tonight.

That's wonderful, Morris.

Yeah.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Sam, he got the party film?

- Sports Highlights. - Sports Highlights?

With highlights like you never saw before

on the Wide World of Sports.

Wait till you see those dancing girls.

We'll meet you in front of the deli after we close, Morris.

Right. Bye.

How did he get those highlights?

How else?

His brother-in-law owns the Kittycat Theater.

Tell me, Otis, what do you know about sex education?

You sure know how to open a conversation, Mrs. Steinberg.

I mean, were you ever taught it in school?

In school, outside school, behind the school, you name it.

I was taught it right along with everyone else.

But I just found out Bridget is teaching it.

Score one for the principal.

I mean, she's just the type of person who should be teaching it.

Someone with taste, sensitivity and understanding.

You have such soul, Otis.

You'd make a wonderful Jewish mother.

Hey, Otis. You been waiting long?

Just long enough to find out Bridget's gonna be teaching a class

in sex education,

your mom's uptight with someone named Mrs. O'Shay,

and someday I'm gonna make someone a wonderful Jewish mother.

I see. You've been talking to my mother for about 30 seconds, right?

Mother Steinberg, I don't want you to be upset about Mrs. O'Shay

or the film I'm gonna show.

Film? You mean movies?

Well, it's a lovely picture. It tells a story about--

Uh... [clears throat]

It's a, uh,1973 version of the birds and the bees, Ma.

You don't have to convince me, Bernie.

Not when the children are going to see it with someone

with such taste and sensitivity as my daughter-in-law.

When it comes to Jewish mothers, Mrs. Steinberg,

there's nothing like the real thing.

I just wish my father were that easy to convince.

He's coming by later to pick up the film to take a look at it.

Hey, uh, can we move it, fellas?

Okay, okay.

My date told me she'd wait for me forever, but I hate to push my luck.

- Good night, Ma. - Good night.

Listen, I'm really sorry to leave you to battle this out all by yourself.

Oh, you kids go. Have a good time.

A little hard work never hurt anyone.

Except your father and your Uncle Moe.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, Ma? Mr. Fitzgerald's gonna pick up the film.

- Where do you want it? - Just leave it by the cash register.

[pleasant music playing]

[Bernie] Good night.

Sophie, anything we can do to help?

[Sophie] Would it do any good if I said yes?

Not unless you wanna make us late.

Either my watch is fast, or Morris is late with the film.

Nothing's as fast as Morris.

He's already been here and left the film.

Oh, boy. Sports Highlights.

What year do you think they are, Moe?

Who cares? Those highlights were the same in any year.

- Let's go. - Sophie, we're on our way!

[dramatic music playing]

Have fun.

[music turns quirky]

Sam?

Moe?

It's Morris.

[door opens]

Oh, hello, Walt.

Oh, good evening, Sophie.

Say, did Bridget happen to leave something for me?

If you mean the film, Walt,

they were all set to leave it, but I guess they forgot.

Forgot?

Oh, well, I guess in a way, I'm glad she did.

I mean, she's a mature young woman,

and a father and daughter's relationship should be based on faith and trust.

- Are you, uh, sure she didn't leave it? - I'm sure as sure, Walt.

I looked on the counter. I looked under the counter.

I looked under the counter.

[Walter chuckles]

Oh, it certainly looks harmless.

Sure you wanna take it?

Oh, I guess you're right, Sophie.

It's probably just what Bridget says it is, a lovely little film.

Why should I allow myself to be intimidated, panicked,

by some tight-lipped, loudmouthed, narrow-minded member of the parish

named Mrs. O'Shay?

I mean, even if she went to the Board of Education with it,

they'd probably laugh at her.

As she drags the Fitzgerald name through the mud

in the biggest scandal uptown New York has seen in years.

I'll take that.

[upbeat music playing]

Amy, this has nothing to do

with our not having confidence in our daughter.

I just want to see what they're showing in the schools these days

so I'm reassured, you're reassured,

and Mrs. O'Shay is reassured.

Oh, Walt, this is gonna be such fun.

You know, we haven't shown movies since Bridget was a little girl.

Remember Mrs. Snuggle Bunny and the Tree Toads?

Amy, this isn't exactly Mrs. Snuggle Bunny and the Tree Toads.

This is about life, birth, regeneration, reproduction.

Oh, Walt, why did you have to tell me?

Now you've gone and ruined it for me.

Ready for the Sports Highlights?

All right, you guys, now quiet down. I don't wanna miss anything.

[chuckling]

[projector whirring]

[narrator on-screen] We see the beginnings of life everywhere around us.

In the chirping robin, the crawling insect,

the blossoming peach.

It... it may start a little slow,

but wait till you see that blossoming peach.

He wasn't kidding. It is a blossoming peach.

[narrator] And where does this peach come from?

Who cares? Just get her out there.

[all laugh]

Oh, it seems a shame to be showing this movie

for just the two of us.

We should've invited some of our friends.

Amy, this film is designed for ten-year-olds.

So sit down and enjoy it.

Oh.

[light music playing]

[drum intro playing on-screen]

[burlesque music playing on-screen]

Well, it starts off with a nice catchy tune, doesn't it?

Oh, isn't she pretty?

She must be the teacher.

I wonder why she's rolling down her stockings.

Oh, maybe she's gonna change into her uniform.

Oh, my Lord.

Walt, watch your language, please.

Oh, my Lord.

Bless my Aunt Mary.

Oh, Walt, can they show that to schoolchildren?

Amy, they can't even show that to you.

[narrator] Thus, through the magic world of the camera,

we have learned the miracle of birth.

[closing music plays on-screen]

[doleful music playing]

And we have also learned

why the Kittycat Theater has gone out of business.

It was terrible.

[all chattering]

- [telephone ringing] - Oh.

- Hello? - Sit down.

Oh, hi, Daddy.

I've been trying to reach you all evening.

Well, we were out. Did you see the film?

I did.

Bridget, I've heard all about the new morality.

But if this is your idea of a joke,

I do not appreciate the new sense of humor.

Come on, Daddy.

- It wasn't as bad as all that. - Worse.

Well, I don't believe it. Did you see the whole film?

I didn't have to see it. I knew how it was going to end.

But, Daddy, this is 1973.

I don't care if it's 2074.

[sighs] Now, you gotta be kidding. The teacher who was in that film--

She may have started out as a teacher,

but it was all over the moment she rolled down her stockings.

Uh... Well, we have company right now, Daddy.

- I'll talk to you about it tomorrow, okay? - All right.

Bye.

Is there anybody here who would like to teach a class in sex education?

- To fourth graders? - Uh, no.

To my father.

[doorbell ringing]

[Amy] Oh, Bridget.

[Bridget] I've been ringing the bell for almost five minutes.

Oh, Charles took your father to the office,

and I was afraid it might be the police.

The police? That's ridiculous.

Look, I'm in a hurry. Can I have the film, please?

Bridget, your father gave me strict orders not to let you have it.

I need the film.

Besides, I don't even know the combination to the safe.

- I do. - Oh, Bridget, Bridget, Bridget, don't.

Mother, I'm supposed to show a film in school this morning,

and I'm not leaving the house without it.

[tearfully] All I'm trying to do is the right thing,

and you come in here and yell at me and...

Save it, Mother. It doesn't work on me.

[in normal voice] Oh. I was afraid it wouldn't.

I didn't have much confidence in that story about the safe either.

Oh...

Oh...

Oh, Bridget, are you sure you want it?

I'm sure. I want it.

Oh, dear.

I feel like the French Connection.

[children chattering]

[Henderson] You know this is an innocent little film,

and I know this is an innocent little film.

Well, then who's objecting, Mr. Henderson?

Mrs. O'Shay.

And she called the heads of the PTA and the Board of Education.

But it's in the catalog. The board already approved these films.

That was before they had a call from your father.

In fact, that was before all of us had a call from your father.

My father?

Oh, I don't believe it.

I find it kind of hard to believe myself.

You know, I know the teacher that made this,

and she always struck me as a rather inhibited sort of a person.

But your father said that--

Look, Mr. Henderson, I love my father,

but in many ways, he's a very naive and old-fashioned man.

He's still trying to protect his daughter.

Well, if this film is anything like he says it is,

we're gonna give some of those depraved high schools

a run for their money.

I'm tired of defending this film.

I feel like it's unfair censorship.

As a teacher, I have certain constitutional rights.

Mrs. Steinberg, you don't have to play The Star-Spangled Banner for me.

Then will you permit me to show this film?

Permit you? I'll insist on it.

Well, thank you. Congratulations.

Congratulations for being a chicken?

In ten minutes, you're gonna show this film to me,

to Mrs. O'Shay, and a committee from the PTA.

Oh.

If you want a cup of coffee, Bernie, this is a help-yourself morning.

What are you guys doing? You feeding the entire Israeli army?

Close. It's for Mal Levy's wedding.

Mal Levy? He's getting married today?

What took him so long?

His divorce didn't become final till yesterday.

And I'll tell you something else.

I'll bet his divorce was more exciting than his bachelor party last night.

Sure. The best sleep I got all night was during that so-called party film.

Dad, I don't know. I wouldn't brag about it.

I mean, when a couple of cuties can't keep you awake,

what do you got left, the eleven o'clock news?

Some cuties.

A flowering peach and a chirping robin.

Chirping robin. [laughs]

I'll see you guys later.

You know, they could've shown that film to ten-year-olds.

[pensive music playing]

You could've shown that film to ten-year-olds?

Sure, with all that talk about fertilization and birth...

[Moe] It was so sweet I almost cried.

And believe me, I never done that at a bachelor party before.

Yeah. Hey, uh... where'd you guys get this film?

- From a friend of ours. - Yeah, but where?

Here. He left it on the counter last night.

That's Bridget's film.

We left it here for Mr. Fitzgerald last night,

and he must've got your film.

Then he had a better time than we did.

Bridget is showing that film to her fourth-grade class this morning.

Oh, boy.

I know about the speed-reading and the new math,

but I don't think they're ready for this.

It's busy.

Morning, Steinbergs. Know where I can get a good meal?

Come on, Otis. We're going to Bridget's school.

But Bernie, I hate Graham crackers and milk.

Will you come on? It's an emergency.

Sure hope they make it in time.

Otherwise that's gonna be the only X-rated school in town.

Imagine, the Board of Education claiming all the films had been cleared.

But when I got that call from Mrs. O'Shay and the Walter Fitzgerald...

I... I got the same call as the PTA, Mrs. Melton.

He's my father, Mrs. Melton.

Why is everybody listening to him?

Well, maybe because he's wealthy

and he's influential down at city hall

and my tenure is coming up soon.

Aside from that, I can't think of any reason, can you?

I haven't seen any of these films.

Well, I can't wait for you to see this one.

[Bernie] Man, you've hit every red light in the city.

Can't you move it? What would you do if I were a pregnant lady

on the way to the hospital?

[Otis] I'd pull over, get out the manual, and deliver you.

[Bernie] I'm gonna give you one upside the head. Come on.

- Sex films to fourth graders... - I think it's pushing it.

We could argue the pros and cons of this all morning,

but as you'll see, Mrs. O'Shay,

this film is just the best possible advertisement for sex education.

- I'm ready, Mr. Henderson. - Oh, good. Okay.

[quirky music playing]

Hey, man, where's the principal's office?

Thank you.

Uh, Mrs. Melton. Mrs. O'Shay.

Bernie, what are you doing here?

Well, was that about the film?

It sure was. I don't know what happened.

Sweetheart, I'm sorry.

As soon as I found out about it, I tried to call.

The line was busy, and we got hung up in traffic and...

- It must have been rough. - Rough? It was humiliating.

Can you imagine sitting with Mrs. O'Shay,

a committee from the PTA, and my principal,

watching Mrs. Snuggle Bunny and the Tree Toads?

Mrs. Snuggle Bunny and the...?

It was a cartoon I had when I was four years old.

My dingy mother gave me the wrong film.

Sweetheart, your dingy mother is one of the smartest mothers I know.

[upbeat music playing]

- Hi, babe. - Hi.

Hey, how'd it go?

I feel like a walking film festival. We had two showings.

The real sex education film. One for the adults and one for the kids.

The adults. Let's see, um...

Your father apologized, your mother cried...

And Mrs. O'Shay walked out of the room, never to be heard from again.

And the kids. Um, let's see. Fourth-grade sex education?

They yawned and threw spitballs.

- In my class? Mm-mm. - [laughing]

Bernie, they loved it.

And there was such healthy curiosity.

Once they got started, they must have asked 50 questions.

Oh, babe, that's wonderful.

I was so proud of them.

Listen, Mrs. Steinberg.

I, um... I have a couple of questions I'd like to ask, myself.

Um... do you suppose you could arrange a private screening

of the film a little later on?

You know, for your favorite pupil? Hmm?

I'm sorry, young man. I only lecture at school.

Besides, I'll probably be much too busy tonight

with my favorite husband.

Oh, I'm glad.

[upbeat music playing]

[theme music playing]

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