Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

Amy!

Oh, welcome home, dear.

A kiss will not make up for it, Amy. I want an apology and a martini.

- Well, I'm sorry-- - The apology can wait.

- Hello, Dad. - Oh, hi, Mike.

Hey, how was your weekend?

Oh, I tried. Oh, did I try.

What an idea Bridget and Bernie had,

suggesting that Sam and I spend the weekend together

at our hunting lodge.

Well, they just wanted you two to get to know each other better, that's all.

Oh, we did. We certainly did.

Well, did you have a good time, dear?

I would have had a better time on the Titanic.

[cheerful music playing]

[Sam groans]

Sam! Welcome home.

- Are you all right, Father Steinberg? - What happened?

[sneezes]

Tsu gezunt. You feeling coldish?

What I feel is deadish. But what I am is coldish.

Come on, Sam. I'll draw you a nice hot bath.

And I'll draw you a nice warm brandy.

You could save time. Pour the brandy in the tub.

[sneezes]

Hey, Dad.

What's wrong?

I told you I didn't wanna go, but you two insisted.

Well, what happened, Father Steinberg?

Bridget, sweetheart, I don't mean any disrespect to your father,

but let me give you a little advice.

If you wanna love him always just as much as you do now,

don't get to know him better.

Yeah, but what happened?

You wanna know what happened? I'll tell you what happened.

[Bernie] Okay.

I don't wanna talk about it.

I don't wanna talk about it. 'Cause I'll hear what I'm talking about,

and if I hear what I'm talking about, I won't wanna talk about it.

So much for the "if they spend the weekend alone,

they'll get to know each other better" theory.

We'll see.

[scoffs] Babe, we saw.

That trip took two friends who had nothing in common

and changed them into... two enemies who had nothing in common.

You're going to have to talk to him

when we're all together at Bridget and Bernie's for dinner.

Tell me something, Sophie.

If I were going to that dinner, which I am not,

when would I be going to it?

Tonight?

It's been planned for weeks, Walt. I told you all about it.

Amy, forget it. No way, no chance, never.

Walt, will you please make up your mind?

I have no intention of being in the same room

with Mr. Walter Fitzgerald.

To tell you the truth,

I'm not too thrilled about being in the same city with him.

Besides, the weather is lousy. It's snowing.

All right, Walt.

You call Bridget and tell her we won't be at the dinner,

her first family dinner that she's been planning

and looking forward to for weeks.

You call our only daughter and tell her that,

because I can't.

All right, Amy, I'll go.

I'll sit in the same room with Sam Steinberg,

but don't expect me to be warm or friendly or charming.

Of course not, Walt. Just be yourself.

I'll do it for Bridget and Bernie.

Maybe I'll get to sit next to Mr. Walter Fitzgerald...

I knew you couldn't stay mad at him.

...and he'll catch my pneumonia.

It is cold in here.

Relax. It's just your nerves.

Hey, this is beautiful.

Right out of a magazine.

- Good Housekeeping? - No, Popular Mechanics.

- Oh... - I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

It's gorgeous.

[doorbell buzzes]

I'll get it.

All right.

[laughs]

- Hello, Bernie. - H...

- [sneezes] - Oh. Gesundheit, Dad.

[Sophie] Some food. A few extra snacks in case you run short.

With a turkey like that, there's no running short.

That's no turkey.

That's a float from Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

I don't wanna kiss you. I've got a cold.

Oh, darling, everything looks so beautiful.

[doorbell buzzes]

- Hello, Bernie. - Hi. How are you?

- Aw, fine. - Mr. Fitzgerald.

Michael! I'm really glad you could make it.

Oh, we had a very slow night tonight.

You know, people don't like to confess in bad weather.

Yeah, well, they don't like to listen to bad jokes either.

[Mike laughs]

- May I take your coats? - Oh, I don't know about that, Bernie.

It's freezing in here. I may just put mine back on.

Oh, don't be silly, Walt. It's no colder in here than it is outside.

Everybody just sit down, and I'll finish getting ready.

We'll have dinner in a few minutes, okay?

- Oh, Sophie, dear. How are you? - Amy, dear. I'm glad you could come.

[Amy] It's nice... And there's Sam.

- Oh, Sam. - Mike. And Amy.

[Amy] It's nice to see you.

Well.

[quirky tense music playing]

Sergeant Preston of the Yukon.

Just what I needed to end the perfect weekend.

Did you just feel a blast of hot air?

Oh, boy.

Well...

Can I get anyone a drink?

Oh, a little martini wouldn't hurt.

If martinis hurt, he'd be at a hospital in intensive care.

Shh, Sam.

Mm-hmm.

Amy, how have you been?

Oh, fine, Sophie.

- [sneezes] - [Amy] God bless you, Sam.

Thank you.

- Walt? - What?

[sneezes]

[Amy] Oh, God bless you, Sam.

He sneezed again, Walt.

I know.

Well, don't you wanna say "God bless you"?

You just said it, Amy.

I don't wanna bore God with reruns.

Walt, say "God bless you, Sam."

He says "God bless you, Sam."

You should tell your husband he shouldn't ask favors from strangers.

See? They've only been here a few minutes, and they're talking already.

Babe, what they're saying, you don't wanna hear.

Here you go.

I'm not only applauding the meal,

but I'm also keeping my hands warm.

I can't understand it.

I mean, the heat's up, but the radiator's ice cold.

Ow.

Oh, if I could find myself a lady who could cook like Bridget,

do you know what I'd do?

You'd ask her to marry you.

No. I'd ask her to cook for me.

Why ruin a beautiful relationship?

Um, Michael, do you remember when we were kids

how after dinner we'd sit around and play games?

Oh, yeah, Ping-Pong, and cards, checkers, yeah.

Bernie used to like to play games when he was younger.

Mm-hmm. He certainly did. Strip poker was my favorite.

Bernie.

Mine was spin the bottle.

It still is.

Do you remember Monopoly, Daddy?

Oh, do I. It was a great game.

Sure, it was a great game for you because you used to win all the time.

Well, Monopoly's not unlike the way I make my living.

Oh, that's true.

Only last month, Walt was playing Monopoly

with the Justice Department.

[coughs] Yes.

I must admit, though, that I am pretty good at it.

Sure, he's good at kids' games.

Listen to the lox magnate.

Monopoly happens to take skill, cunning, cold-blooded logic.

Kids' game. Kinderspiel.

If we had a set, we could play.

Then we'd find out if it's for kids or not.

We have a set, Daddy.

- Great! - Is that a challenge?

It's not a challenge, Sam.

Because I never back away from a challenge.

[Walter] It's a challenge.

- Then you're on, Mr. Howard Hughes. - Oh, tut, tut, tut.

Mother Steinberg, can we go down to your place?

It is freezing up here.

That's a good idea.

I don't want him to use frostbite as an excuse when he loses.

[upbeat music playing]

[Walter]...Three hundred, 350, 400.

Thank you.

I'm glad I didn't take your suggestion not to buy them, Walt.

These hotels really pay off.

[Walter] Well, I'll wipe that smile off your face with my next roll.

They're warming up already. They're actually talking to one another.

Gritting their teeth at one another, is more like it.

- You don't think it's gonna work? - Mm-hmm, I do.

I think it's gonna destroy their relationship completely.

Eight.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Park Place. You get to buy it, Dad.

If I have enough money.

- Oh, Walt, don't take it so seriously. - Amy, please. This is business.

It's not business, Dad. It's just a game.

Son, you'll never get rich with an attitude like that.

Walt, what difference does it make if you can't afford to buy Park Place?

You already own the real Park Place.

I want this one too.

[chuckles] Mr. Tycoon over there can't even play a kids' game.

[sneezes]

Bless you.

[all chattering]

[Sophie]...and go.

- [all exclaim] - [Walt] Oh, seven.

[Mike] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

- [Sam] Community Chest. - [Sophie] Let's see what it is.

[Moe] "Go to jail"!

[all laughing]

Another railroad. I'll buy it.

Mmm...

- What's the matter? - It's a mistake.

If you bought salamis like that, you'd be out of business.

Moe, that's a perfect example

of why you're in salamis and not in railroads.

Hoo, that's some game. You know, they're really into it.

They're kind of like Spassky and Fischer.

More like Bonnie and Clyde.

I'm sorry to break up the game, fellas.

- All right, folks, it's coffee time. - [all chattering]

Oh, no. I'm just warming up. I'm about ready to make my move.

With the amount of money you got left, it won't take you long to pack.

Six. I'll get it.

One, two, three, four, five...

- Oh, Dad. - Whew!

Oh, terrific! You're on Boardwalk.

That's his, Amy.

- [laughs] Well, that'll be-- - I know. I know.

Seventeen hundred dollars.

Oh, I haven't got the money.

- Why don't you just write him a check? - Amy!

Well, what are you gonna do now, Mr. Big-Shot?

Uh, well, I'll just get credit from the bank.

Not from this bank.

You're wiped out. Finished. Through.

- Kaput. - I know I'm through.

We're going home.

Oh, well...

Good night, Bridget.

- Daddy, you don't have to... - Moe.

- Oh, Walt. - Sophie.

Good night.

- Night, Bernie. - Good night.

Thank you for a lovely evening, dear. Let's go, Amy.

[Amy] Walt, for heaven's sake, I haven't even said good night.

I'll wait.

- Good night, Sophie. I-- - Let's go.

- Let's get out of here. - Daddy...

Uh, I'll wait here, Walt, and you get Charles.

I let him go for the night, Amy! I'll get a cab.

[doorknob rattling]

[Bridget] I just hate to see you leaving upset, Daddy.

- Baby... - I'll get it. I'll get it.

...I am not upset.

Now, you cooked a beautiful dinner, and we had a wonderful time.

It's just time that we should go.

Now, believe me, I am not upset. I feel fine.

- [wind howling] - I'm not angry! I am perfectly calm!

See? I told you everything would work out.

[Walter] I am perfectly unemotional.

Perfectly under control.

[upbeat music playing]

If he had a Saint Bernard, he couldn't get through this blizzard.

[door bangs open]

[Sam] Well, look who's back.

The abominable snowman.

[Amy] Couldn't you find a cab?

- I couldn't find the street. - Oh.

- It's chilly. - [Walter groans]

Of all nights for a blizzard.

People usually tend to get together in emergencies.

Remember all those stories about the power blackouts?

Mm-hmm, I certainly do. And they certainly got together.

I mean, nine months later, there was a population explosion.

Looks like you'll have to spend the night here, Daddy.

Well, there must be some way I can get home.

If there is, believe me, I'll think of it.

Oh, Sam.

Dad, come on, now. You're not even being fair.

I mean, weren't you just a guest at Mr. Fitzgerald's hunting lodge?

- A prisoner, was more like it. - All right, look, both of you.

Don't you think it's time we got this out in the open, cleared the air?

What happened this weekend?

Yeah, maybe if you'd talk about it, you know, got it off your chest,

you'd feel better.

Wasn't my fault.

- What wasn't your fault, Walt? - I don't wanna talk about it.

I don't blame you. What you did, no one should admit.

Well, I guess that cleared the air.

Well, I think if we're gonna get any sleep tonight,

we should start organizing.

You know, like who's gonna sleep where and, uh...

You're right, Mike. I'd better get this thing organized.

- You? - Right.

If there's one thing I know about, it's organizing.

I hope you know it better than Monopoly.

The man has the personality of an anvil.

I don't remember when it's been this bad.

Oh, Walt and Sam have had terrible arguments before.

[Bridget] I think she meant the weather, Mother.

- Oh. - All right.

Let's see what we have here. Two bedrooms, one bath.

I'd offer our apartment,

but I think a family of penguins checked in about an hour ago.

Dad--

Walt, you should have brought your tuxedo. You could've joined them.

- Where you going, Daddy? - Where I can think.

No such place.

[march-like music playing]

All right, now.

I had to approach this problem from two angles,

logistics and supply.

Tell me, Sarge, are we gonna sleep in these bedrooms,

or are we gonna take them by force?

Can the chatter.

All right. Chart number one.

The bathroom assignments.

Now, everyone has been assigned a bathroom time.

Nobody stays over eight minutes, or we've got a disaster.

If I stayed under eight minutes, it'd be a new record.

If there are no further questions about the bathroom assignments,

I'll move on to the beds.

- Oh, just one thing. - Moe again.

Everybody, don't forget to jiggle the handle.

All right, now. My pride and joy. The bed charts.

Congratulations.

Now, I will read off the assignment.

Everyone ready?

Number four and number one sleep in Bed B.

Number three sleeps in Bed A.

- Uh, Daddy? - Bridget.

Do you think maybe you could use the names?

Well, organizationally speaking, symbols are preferable to names.

All right.

Sophie and, uh, what's-his-name...

- Sam. - ...you'll sleep in your beds.

Moe, you and Mike will sleep on blankets here in the living room.

Bridget and Bernie, you'll sleep in Moe's bed.

- Okay. - Excuse me, Walt.

[Walter] Uh, Moe?

Would it be possible for me to sleep on a bed?

You see, my back isn't as good as it used to be.

In fact, when it was as good as it used to be, it wasn't too good.

Well, I don't know.

Uncle Moe, you can sleep in your bed.

Look, why don't Bridget and I go upstairs and we'll sleep in our own bed?

Bernie, it's freezing up there. We could skate in our bed.

Okay. Do you wanna try for a little ice hockey?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I think I can straighten this out.

Now, if the men and women will split up,

it just might work.

Uh, does that mean Sam and I won't be sleeping together?

I'm sorry, Sophie.

This should work out fine.

Amy, you and Sophie will sleep here on the convertible couch right here.

Bridget, you'll sleep on blankets here in the living room.

Now, Moe, Mike, you two,

you'll sleep in the beds in Sophie's and what's-his-name's room.

Bernie, you'll be in there too, on a blanket.

Now, for Moe's room,

we have, uh, what's-his-name and...

Walt?

- Amy? - Hmm?

How much longer are you gonna read?

Oh, I found this book on Moe's shelf.

It's so fascinating, I can't put it down.

What's it called?

War and Peace.

[quirky music playing]

Bridget. Please, I'll be out right away, but I gotta brush my teeth.

Well, haven't you brushed them enough yet?

The dentist told me to brush my teeth thoroughly,

otherwise I might lose them.

And I'm not taking any chances,

because a barber once told me to brush my hair thoroughly,

and I didn't listen to him.

[Sam sneezing]

I cannot sleep with you sneezing like that.

[Sam] I knew some good had to come from this cold.

[giggles] No, darling, please. Not here.

Darling, I... I can't take it when you do that.

Oh, please...

Oh, no. No. Don't bite my ear.

[Moe giggling and moaning]

Moe. Hey, Moe.

[spluttering] What? What... what happened?

- [laughs] You were talking in your sleep. - What'd I say?

Well, I don't know,

but it sounded like some terrific lady was making love to you.

Then what'd you wake me up for?

Now, where was I? [gasps]

[snoring]

[quirky music playing]

[yelps] Amy? What is it, Amy?

It isn't Amy. And what it is, is that you're snoring.

Stop snoring.

I'm not snoring. I'm just breathing loud.

Then do me a favor. Stop breathing.

[warm music playing]

- Hi. - Hi.

Couldn't sleep either?

Mm-hmm. I really missed you.

Bernie. Uh...

I can't help it. Uncle Moe's dreams turned me on.

Oh. You couldn't sleep either, huh?

Who could sleep? You left the window open.

Well, you should be used to the cold, after falling in that lake.

I didn't fall in. You pushed me in.

Oh, Sam, come on.

For the hundredth time, I really didn't push you in.

I was trying to keep the tackle box from falling in,

and I just accidentally bumped into you.

A polar bear would freeze in that water, and you pushed me in for a tackle box.

[laughs] You know...

You know, you didn't exactly go in with dignity, Sam.

- I got a suggestion. - What?

We'll go back up to the lake next week.

You fall in and see if you do it with dignity.

[Sam laughing]

You see? You see, I told you it was funny.

I was just thinking about that stuffed fish

on your cabin wall.

That wasn't funny.

You should... you should have seen the look on your face

when I shot it right between the eyes.

That wasn't just a fish.

That was a record bass. It was my favorite trophy.

What do you... what do you mean "was"? You still got it.

Yeah, sure, but nobody's gonna believe I caught it.

They're gonna think I shot it.

[laughs] You shouldn't have handed me that loaded shotgun.

Well, I was just trying to show you how it worked.

Didn't expect you to pull both triggers.

[laughs] It was an accident.

You know, the fish was bad enough.

But what you did to that television set...

You shot Joe Namath at third and one.

[both laughing]

- You wanna know something? - [Walter] What?

It's nothing personal, but you make lousy coffee.

Oh, that's all right. At home, I pour great brandy.

- How would you like to prove it? - Oh, would I.

- Yeah. - Oh!

[both laughing]

Oh... Oh, yes! Oh, yes, indeed.

Napoleon may not have scored in Moscow,

but he's going to make a great difference with this coffee.

[both laughing]

Hey, could you guys keep it down? There are people trying to sleep.

- Bernie, my boy! - Bridget! [laughs]

You two seem awfully happy for some guys

who were at each other's throats a little while ago.

[laughing] Oh, we were talking about the weekend.

- What happened? - I don't wanna talk about it.

Daddy?

No, I don't wanna talk about it either.

But when I pushed him in the lake...

And I shot his fish...

[laughter continues]

See, I told you if we left them alone, they'd be okay.

Well, you were right.

[upbeat music playing]

- [peaceful music playing] - [both snoring softly]

You restless?

Mm-hmm.

But I wouldn't be, up at our place.

Bernie, up there we would be icicles.

Oh, I know.

But, uh, think of all the fun we'd have trying to melt each other.

[upbeat music playing]

[theme music playing]

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