Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

[laughing]

- Oh, Walt. - That's what he told me.

- [guffaws] That's terrible. What? - Excuse me, Mother.

Uh, who is that guy over there talking with Michael?

[Amy] Oh, that's Gaylord Armstrong.

- The health food guy. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, yes. He worships watercress, you know.

Uh, green onions, uh, garlic cloves, things like that.

Any kind of alcohol and I don't care what it is...

Sounds like an interesting religion.

Or an interesting salad.

- I suppose. - Oh, hi, Bernie.

Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. How are you, babe?

Hello, sweetie. Honey, how was your day?

- It's, uh, getting better every minute. - Do you care for seconds?

No, no. I'm not talking about that kiss.

I'm talking about the check.

I sold a story to Global magazine.

[all exclaiming]

That's 350 bucks' worth of terrific.

- Congratulations, son. - Thank you.

Say, do you want me to invest that in blue chips for you?

Oh, Walt, I don't think Bernie even plays poker. Do you, Bernie?

Uh, not with $350, I don't.

Sweetheart, what do you wanna get with it?

Let's get something... Something wild, extravagant.

Oh, Bernie, we've got to be practical.

Okay. How about a set of matched mops?

Thanks. I'll settle for a color television, though.

Oh, Walt, don't you have a friend who sells television sets?

Amy, he doesn't own a television store.

- He's president of a television network. - Oh.

We can put it on the bookshelf in the bedroom and watch it in bed.

Uh-oh. The honeymoon is over.

[both laughing]

- Don't you believe it. - Oh.

- [piano playing] - [indistinct chatter]

This is gonna be expensive.

We keep this up, we won't be able to afford a radio,

not to mention a television.

Oh, uh, I already got it.

- The set? - Mm-hmm.

- Well, what kind is it? - It's a small one.

- Oh, you mean like a portable? - Nope. It's even smaller.

Here.

[tender music playing]

Now... now, this isn't even big enough for one eye.

Just open it. You might like it.

What is this?

Well, if it's not a ring, I'm gonna be very upset.

It's a ring.

Oh, boy, is that a ring. But... but why? What's it for?

Uh, how about your finger?

Happy engagement, Mrs. Steinberg.

It's for you. I...

I never had a chance to get you a ring and, uh...

Well, I thought this was as good a time as any.

I don't understand.

What's to understand?

I... I sold a story and I had a little extra cash and, uh...

I happen to dig you quite a bit.

And it's something I wanted to do.

I know you love me. I... I don't need a ring to know that.

So allow me to be a little corny, will you?

It's beautiful. I love it.

Are you sure? I mean, because we can take it back. I can...

- You try and I'll break your arm! - [room falls silent]

It's... it's all right, folks. She, uh... she drinks a little.

I... Only when he beats me.

[chuckles]

How do I thank you?

Uh, I'll think of something when we get home.

- Hello, pussycat! - Look. Look what Bernie bought me.

He bought you a new hand?

No. It's an engagement ring.

- Isn't it beautiful? - Oh, I'm afraid to look. The glare.

Sam, I'll get your sunglasses.

Oh, Bridget, it's gorgeous.

Bernie, what a ring.

Yeah, well, you know me, Richard Burton Steinberg.

- I love it. - You know, I think she likes it.

Bernie, I thought you were gonna buy a television.

Oh, yeah, Dad. You know, we were,

but, uh, we couldn't find one small enough to fit on her finger.

[all laughing]

[all laughing]

Oh, Walt.

Here you go. Oh, no, that... Uh, there.

And a Shirley Temple for the baby.

[all laughing]

Uh, Father, what are you having? Holy water?

Uh, put a little foam on it, my friend.

[Bernie] One beer coming up.

[all laughing]

Hi, everybody. Sorry, I'm late.

[Amy] Oh, Bridget.

- What time's the reservation? - Not until 8:00.

- Here you go. - Thank you.

How about some hors d'oeuvres, hmm?

- Oh, thank you, Bridget. - Where are we going?

We are going to Gaylord Armstrong's new restaurant.

The Radiant Radish.

You're kidding.

Bernie, I never kid about radiant radishes.

- How about some nuts? - Mmm, no, thank you, dear.

Oh, Bridget, you're just gonna love the Radiant Radish.

All the food is organic.

You get string beans, zucchini, spinach, lettuce.

It's all very healthy for you, isn't it, Walt?

If you're a hamster.

Sweetheart, it's not working. I think you better get a spotlight.

Spotlight? Why? What's going on here?

My engagement ring. That's what.

- Oh. - Oh! Oh, Bridget, let me see.

Oh, how sweet.

Oh, Bernie, what a darling little ring.

[comical music playing]

Uh, kind of looks like yours gave birth.

Hey, congratulations, honey. That's just beautiful.

- Thank you, Michael. - Oh...

- Daddy. - Ah, there it is. Lovely.

- Don't you just love it? - I just love your folks.

That is a happy lady.

You see, Walt? Didn't I tell you that diamonds could work magic?

You should know, Amy.

Every time you go down Fifth Avenue, you turn into a jewelry store.

[vacuum humming]

Bridget!

- Hi. - How did your parents like the ring?

Oh, they loved it.

- Good. Good. - Oh, I'd better get going.

- I have a lunch date with Mother at 21 . - Oh, that's nice.

That's funny. I thought I put my ring in here.

It's not there?

No. It's not in there either.

You took it off?

Well, only when I was doing the cleaning. But I could've sworn I put it in there.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, Bridget, dear, I just called up to tell you

I'm gonna pick you up a little early.

Well, maybe I'd better forget about lunch today, Mother.

Why, dear? Are you trying to lose weight?

No, I'm trying to find a ring. I kind of misplaced my engagement ring.

Oh, well, just think, dear.

Now, if you were a ring, where would you be?

On my finger.

Well, is it there?

No, Mother.

Uh, well, don't worry about it, Bridget.

Y... you probably dropped it on the floor or something. You'll find it.

I hope so.

Of course you will. I lose rings all the time.

Sure, and you always find yours.

Well, no, dear. Usually I just go out and buy another one.

Well, look, I hope you find it. And I'll see you later.

Bye, Mother.

Do you want me to help you, Bridget?

Oh, no, thanks, Mother Steinberg. I'll find it.

Maybe we ought to call the police. I mean, a... a ring is missing.

Why, if I ever lost a diamond, I'd die.

If Sam ever gave me a diamond, I'd die.

Well, there's nothing to panic about. I'll find it.

I'll just look through the bedroom.

And if it's not here, I'll look through the living room.

And if it's not there, I'll look through the kitchen.

And if it's not there, I'll start screaming!

You'll find it. You'll find it.

[upbeat music playing]

Who is it?

It's me, dear.

Amy.

Fitzgerald.

Your mother.

Uh, come in, Mother.

Oh, Bridget, you missed the most marvelous luncheon.

Jackie and Ari were there at the same table.

Um, Steve and Ali.

And, oh, Lenny Bernstein and the King family.

Bridget, what are you doing under there?

Oh, did you find your ring?

No. I've looked everywhere, Mother.

It's... it's gotta be here. But I just can't find it.

- Oh... - What am I gonna tell Bernie?

Well, just tell him the truth. That you lost your ring.

He'll understand.

Of course he'll understand. We love each other.

It was an accident. People lose things all the time.

We don't have to keep secrets from each other. I'll just tell him.

Right.

[mellow music playing]

- [door closes] - Oh, hi, sweetheart. How are you?

Hi.

Hey, what's the matter?

Bernie, some... something terrible happened today.

What?

- I hope you won't be too upset. - Oh, sweetheart, what is it?

Well, Bernie...

I sprained my finger.

[mellow music playing]

[phone rings]

- Hello? - Oh, hello, Bernie.

Oh, hi. Psst.

Thank you, dear. How's Bridget?

[Bernie] Uh, fine.

Oh, I guess she's still pretty upset, huh?

No, no, she seems okay. I mean after all, it could've been worse.

Oh, I told her you'd understand.

Yeah, well, these things happen. I mean, she could've broken it.

Oh.

Well, yes, I guess so, but, well, only if somebody stepped on it.

Can I talk to her?

Uh, yeah.

- It's your mother. - What... what'd she say?

I don't know. Your guess is as good as mine.

- Hello, Mother. - Oh, hello, dear.

Oh, Bridget, I'm just so glad that Bernie understood.

Oh, yes, I... I told him all about my sprained finger.

Oh, did you sprain your finger?

That's right, Mother. My... my ring finger. It's got a big bandage on it.

Oh, Bridget, that means you can't wear your new ring.

You got it.

Got what, dear?

Oh, that's right, Mother. I'll call you tomorrow, after Bernie goes to work.

Bye.

That's funny.

She says she sprained her finger.

Her ring finger.

It's got a big bandage on it.

It was fine this afternoon.

Her ring finger, huh?

Sounds like she didn't tell Bernie she lost her ring.

Right. She's covering it up.

Well, of course she's covering it up, Walt. She sprained it.

[groans]

Bridget, what are you doing? It's 2:00 in the morning.

Well, I... I thought I heard a mouse.

Oh, a mouse.

With a flashlight?

What were you gonna do, show it the way to the cheese? Sweetheart...

I... I don't understand.

I mean, all evening you were cleaning, and moving things around and vacuuming.

Are you up for the Good Housekeeping Award, or what?

[stuttering] Well, haven't you heard that a clean house makes a happy house?

Haven't you heard that a full bed makes a happy bed?

[phone ringing]

Steinberg's Delicatessen.

- Oh, Sam. Walt. - Oh, hello, Walt.

What's the latest medical bulletin?

- She's still got the bandage on. - Well, it's been two days.

Why doesn't she just tell Bernie and collect the insurance?

Because they didn't have time to insure it.

Ooh. Then Bridget's out a ring and Bernie's out $300.

Right.

Walt, there's got to be something we can do to help 'em.

Well, maybe we ought to light a candle.

If she couldn't find it with a flashlight, she couldn't find it with a candle.

Sam, I think it's about time you paid our church a visit.

You know, you can't keep this hoax up forever.

Well, Mike, I... I haven't lost the ring. I... I just can't find it.

Honey, you're gonna have to tell him eventually.

Mike, I haven't got the heart.

It's not just owning a ring. It's... it's the fact that Bernie gave it to me.

If you could've seen how proud and happy he was...

How could I tell him his dumb wife lost it?

Aw.

[tender music playing]

Listen, maybe you didn't find the ring,

but you sure got the cleanest apartment I've ever seen.

I guess I'll just keep on looking.

Well, what if you don't find it?

Well, then I'd better hope for a miracle.

- Oh, good afternoon, Father. - Hello.

What can I do for you?

Uh, I would like to buy an engagement ring.

And it's...

[man] Well, how do you like it, huh?

The ring I like. The price I don't.

Sam, that's my rock-bottom price.

Harry, get a bigger shovel and dig lower.

You can do better than that.

Soph, don't you understand? I... I got expenses. I got overhead.

Some overhead. A cardboard suitcase.

Now, this is a rather amusing little ring. Only $13,000.

- Oh... - I'm not amused.

Sam, Sophie, Moe, you're like my own family.

I tell you, it's my best price. It's strictly wholesale.

That's your wholesale, I don't wanna hear your retail.

- Take it or leave it. - We leave it.

I'll give you one more chance.

Mmm, perhaps this square-cut at $7,000.

Oh, Walt. A bargain.

Well, I was thinking something... something more in the neighborhood of $300.

Oh.

Um...

Uh, Mr. Fitzgerald, I'm afraid you're in the wrong neighborhood

for that neighborhood.

- You're unreasonable. - And you're a horse thief.

Oh, then I'm in the right place 'cause I've eaten here.

Hold it. Hold it. Let's keep personalities out of this.

Good. 'Cause I'm not too choked up with his.

Oh, yes, this is it.

This is the one. I'll take it.

Oh, Walt, you found it. Good.

Just put it on my account.

Oh, yes, and put this on our account too, please.

Ooh, that's a beautiful choice.

And only $16,500.

[choking] $16,000?

Yes. Uh, plus the tax.

Welcome back to the neighborhood, dear.

Harry, darling, it's important. A marriage is at stake.

[softly] Harry, also your life.

Call me Mr. Softy.

Thank you very much.

You've been a big help. This is a gorgeous ring.

- Okay, goodbye. - Bye.

- Good luck. - [door closes]

[chuckles]

Life is sure full of surprises.

Yes, it is. isn't it?

[mellow music playing]

Bernie, I've... I've gotta tell you something.

What?

Well, I... I don't know how to tell you.

Well, try the usual way, with words.

Well...

- [knocking on door] - Oh, I'll get it.

- We were kind of worried about Bridget. - About Bridget's finger.

So we thought we'd pop in and say hello.

- Hello. - [Sophie] Hello.

What, should I be antisocial? Hello.

- Hello. Uh, come in. - Thanks.

- Hello. - Hello, pussycat.

- Doll face. - Hello.

Well, uh, can I get anybody anything? A drink or...?

- Not for me. Thank you. - [Sophie] No, thank you, dear.

I'll have a double.

- A double? - Oh, boy.

If you're gonna tell him what I think you're gonna tell him,

forget the double, make it a home run.

[knocking on door]

I'll, uh, get it.

- Hi, uh... - Hello, Bernie.

We... we were just in the neighborhood, so we thought we'd drop in and say hello.

We wanted to check and see how Bridget's finger was getting along.

- Yes. - Uh-huh.

Well, uh, since I can't bring it to the door, why don't you come on in?

[Amy] Oh.

[indistinct chatter]

Hi.

Hi, Michael. Uh, don't tell me.

You were just in the neighborhood

and so you figured you'd drop in and say hello to Bridget's finger, hmm?

Well, actually, I am returning a book.

And I thought I would drop in and say hello to Bridget's finger.

I thought so.

- Hello, everybody. - Father Mike, what a pleasure.

- How are you? You look wonderful. - It's nice to see you.

[Mike] Mr. Steinberg.

You know, this is... this is more customers than I had in the deli all day.

[all laughing]

Well...

Well...

Well...

You know, this is a very boring conversation.

I, uh, have the feeling that there's a reason for this summit meeting.

Well, everybody else knows. It's time you knew too.

I've a confession to make.

Oh, well, now, with Mike here, maybe you can save a trip.

I should've told you when it first happened,

- but I just didn't know how. - Babe, it's very simple.

You just say, "I don't know how it happened, but I lost the engagement ring."

There, you see, Bridget? That wasn't hard.

Bernie, how did you know?

Sweetheart, you don't have to be Marcus Welby to know

that this finger is fine.

- Secondly... - Well, why didn't you say something?

Because I wanted you to say something.

Oh, Bernie, I wanted to, but I... I kept hoping it'd turn up, but I...

- I've looked everywhere. - [shushing] Sweetheart, it's all right.

I, uh... I have a sneaking suspicion that it is gonna turn up.

Maybe if we all looked for it.

Yeah. Let's spread out.

[Moe] Just like a treasure hunt!

Yes. Eight heads are better than one.

Look, you're wasting your time. It's not here.

Amy, what are you doing?

I'm looking for the ring.

What are you looking down there for?

The good fairy might've left it there.

Keep your hairdresser out of this.

Mr. Shirley doesn't even know Bridget.

[gasps] Miracle of miracles.

- I've found... - The ring!

Well, congratulations, babe, 'cause I guess it's quadruplets.

[upbeat music playing]

I don't know how to thank you all.

You're just the most wonderful people in the world.

I'm sorry I put you to all this trouble.

No trouble, sweetheart.

Besides, it gave your father a chance to buy me

my anniversary present for next year.

And the year after that and the year after that!

Walt, you should've seen the look on your face

when I found my engagement ring.

Oh, you should've seen the look on your face

- when I found my engagement ring. - Hey, that's nothing.

You should've seen the look on that jeweler's face

when I bought my engagement ring.

[laughter]

- Good night, Papa. - Good night, Bernie.

Hey, invite me to the ceremony. Good night.

[sighs]

- Ooh. - Okay, where'd you find it?

[laughing]

Well, I'll tell you.

You know, there are certain, uh, standard duties that a husband has.

You know, like making a little money and buying engagement rings,

emptying the garbage.

Bernie, there's no way that ring could've dropped in the garbage.

Well, that is unless one of a wife's standard duties happens to include,

uh, running a vacuum cleaner now and then.

- A vacuum? - Mm-hmm.

I vacuumed up my ring? And you found it?

Oh! Bernie, I love you.

And why not?

I mean, you didn't just marry a writer who happens to drive a cab.

You also married a hell of a garbage collector.

[tender music playing]

Hey, enough with that ring already.

That's had enough attention. It's my turn.

Don't you know that your turn means a whole lifetime?

[closing theme music playing]

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