Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

[whistles]

This is a very generous contribution.

Who you trying to square yourself with? Or shouldn't I ask you?

Well, sure you should. My taxman. He said I needed a deduction.

Oh, come on, I know you better than that.

Okay.

What, is it wrong for a loving father

to give a little boost to his son's parish?

I would do the same thing for any of my children,

including Bernie, if he'd let me.

Ah, well, thank you.

So how do you want this gift listed?

Anonymous, of course.

I'll have your mother spread the word around the parish who gave it.

Walt?

- Oh, guess who picked me up today. - Speak of the devil.

Bernie. He drove me home in his cab.

Mm-hmm. Right here. Somewhere between Bergdorf and Goodman.

Bernie, would you be an angel and take those things upstairs for me?

Uh, sure. That is if, uh, Michael doesn't mind.

Go with my blessing.

Now, you see, Mike, that's what I'm talking about.

An intelligent boy like Bernie should not be driving a cab.

Oh, I'm glad he is.

Otherwise, we'd both still be standing on Park Avenue waiting for a ride.

Look, I think you've got to admire Bernie.

Now, he wants to write plays. There isn't anything wrong in that.

No, that's fine.

But I don't think he has to force my daughter to starve while he's doing it.

Oh, Dad, aren't you being a little overdramatic?

I, uh, think he has a point.

Oh, look, Bernie, um, I was wondering, do you have time for a martini?

- Well, uh... - Oh, n-never mind.

Never mind. I'll have the martini.

Oh, Walt, dear, isn't it a little early in the day for a martini?

Amy, when I'm getting ready

to have a little talk with Bernie about his future,

it is never too early for a martini.

No, no, Michael. Stick around. I want you to watch this.

[clears throat]

Uh, isn't this where the black sheep son-in-law is offered the fat job

and the cloak of respectability?

I'm only offering you a chance to get all the finer things you've always wanted

and Bridget always had before she married you.

Dad, why don't you stop shadow boxing and try the direct approach with him?

All right.

Bernie, I have a fine opening

for a young executive in one of my investment firms.

- Will you take it? - No.

Michael, will you butt out of my business affairs?

[chuckles]

Now, Bernie, I have a proposition for you that you will not be able to refuse.

I want you and Bridget, and Mike too, of course,

to spend the weekend with us at our place in Long Island.

- Now, you've never been. - Amy.

No, no, that's all right. Uh, yeah, it sounds great.

Let me... let me check with Bridget.

There, you see, Walt.

You see how easy it is when you're not pushy?

Now, you be sure and let us know by tonight, okay?

Okay, I will.

Listen, if I'm going to be spending the weekend with you,

I'd better let my archbishop know by tonight too.

Hey, uh, Michael?

Why... why don't you let me be an angel once more and drop you off?

- Come on. - You're on.

- Goodbye, honey. - Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, Mike.

- [chuckles] - [door opens]

Now you see, Walt. You see how handy it is to have your own taxicab in the family?

Well, I'd trade it for my own stockbroker,

and I might just have if you hadn't started chiming in

when I was getting somewhere.

Oh, I'm sorry, Walt.

Well, I didn't realize that I was interfering.

Well, you were. And what...

What you did makes very good sense.

Well, I didn't mean to, dear.

Yes.

Take the city boy and give him a taste of the elegance of country living,

sophisticated companions,

and a good look at how Bridget used to live.

Hmph. We might have a convert on our hands.

Oh, dear. I hope not.

I was just getting used to his being Jewish.

[lighthearted music playing]

Peekaboo.

Are you lucky?

Your old tennis racket.

A couple of strings, it'll be just like new.

Ma, this racket wasn't just like new even when it was new.

Fine way for you to talk about your Cousin Cora's bar mitzvah present.

So many new clothes.

Not new, Mother Steinberg, they're ancient.

Listen, ancient cashmere is better than new Orlon.

[chuckles] I haven't seen so many new clothes

since Ali MacGraw went to the country to meet Ryan O'Neal's parents.

- Tsk, tsk. - I guess I'm only taking them

because some of my old friends will be at my folks' place.

Well, they're still a part of my old life.

[Sophie] So a girl has her own expensive clothes,

she should use them.

Who knows, maybe in about 20 years,

my Bernie will be able to buy you a few things, hmm?

[clicks tongue]

And so, the good ship Sophie Steinberg

sails into the sunset, spreading joy and good tidings.

Maybe your mother's right, Bernie.

I mean, what am I trying to prove taking all these clothes?

I don't know. That you can spend the weekend packing and unpacking?

Uh-uh. I'll leave that to the butler.

Listen, does it, uh...

Does it ever bother you that I've taken you from riches to rags?

You've taken me from a very spoiled childhood

to a very happy womanhood.

A very happy, impoverished womanhood.

Who's poor?

I have a home, and I have clothes, all the pastrami I can eat.

- [chuckles] - [tender music playing]

And I have you.

[upbeat music playing]

Yeah, well, I knew that the London Bridge had been moved to America,

but, uh, Buckingham Palace too?

[Bridget] Now it is a bit pushy,

but you should've seen the place my father wanted to buy.

[Bernie] What, Ireland?

- [Amy] Well, they're here! - Hi.

- Oh, Bernie, I'm so glad you could come. - How are you?

- Hello, Mom. - How are you, sir?

Did it take you long to drive up?

Oh, just two hours from our front door to your gate.

And another hour from your gate to your front porch.

[all laugh]

Cynthia.

- Oh, it's been so long. - Oh, how are you?

- You look terrific. - Thank you.

- Oh, Scott, this is... this is wonderful. - They're old friends.

I, uh, gathered they'd met before.

- Bernie, I'm so sorry. - It's all right.

I'd like you to meet two of my dearest friends.

This is Cynthia and Scott Hamilton.

This is my husband, Bernie Steinberg.

Hi.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

So this is the mystery man who swept Bridget off her feet.

- Guilty. - [Amy] Bernie.

Scott and Cynthia have a mixed marriage too, Bernie.

- Oh? - Scott is, uh, Presbyterian,

and Cynthia comes from Maine.

[Scott] We just got back from Europe a week ago.

Where did you two go on your honeymoon?

Houston Street.

[Cynthia] isn't that in New York?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, that's right where we live.

We saved a fortune.

Oh, you haven't even seen my engagement ring.

- Oh, Cynthia, that's gorgeous. - It's neat but not gaudy.

- Can I see yours? - I wouldn't let Bernie buy me one.

There were too many other things that we needed.

Like food.

[Cynthia] Well, think we have enough time to take a fast gallop through the woods?

[Scott] Let's. You do ride, don't you, Bernie?

[Bernie] Oh, uh, like the wind.

Okay. Easy. Okay.

[clicking tongue] Come on, boy.

You're not riding alone, are you, Bernie? Where are the others?

Uh, just ahead of that cloud of dust up there.

You're not having any trouble, are you?

Hmm? Oh, no, no.

- You have ridden before? - Uh, mostly in cabs.

How do you get it to go?

Well, if you're sure you want to, just give him a little tap with that.

A little tap?

Well, hi-ho, Silver.

[neighs]

I said tap!

Who's that hanging on to the horse's neck?

Our son-in-law.

Oh, Bernie.

Oh, oh, how's your business deal with him coming?

Don't send up any flak, Amy.

[quirky music playing]

[horse neighs]

That horse not only threw me, he came back and bit me on the leg.

I don't understand that. He's never thrown anybody before.

What kind of horse was it? [sighs]

Arabian.

Figures.

[knocking on door]

[Bernie exclaims]

Hey, how's your foot?

Oh, I should be, uh, tap-dancing in another day or so.

You know, it is weird. That horse never...

Yeah, I know. I know.

Hey, if you run into your horse friend again,

don't bite him back.

- Bye. - Have a good time.

You know, excuse me for staring, but, um,

aren't you afraid you're gonna be court-martialed

for being out of uniform?

Well, if that were the case, Bernie,

I would never have a chance to take a shower.

[pops lips]

So I'm sorry you can't play today. I was really looking forward to it.

Oh, don't be.

I play tennis the way I ride horseback.

With a limp.

[tennis ball popping]

Look at her.

She's as at home here as if...

[chuckles] ...as if it were her home.

It's almost as if she never left...

- or maybe even wanted to, hmm? - It's possible.

[clicks tongue] Ooh.

Somehow that wasn't exactly the response I was expecting.

Well, Bernie, sometimes the best answers come from within.

[chuckling] Listen to me.

Even without the collar, I'm giving advice.

[somber music playing]

[mellow music playing]

I'll bet you $5 you can't do that again.

I don't gamble.

I thought it was a lucky shot.

Except on sure things.

Well, I see that you moved in the pool hall set.

Thank you.

I'll bet you never played on a table like this before.

No. Nor owned my own pool cue...

or my own tennis outfit and riding clothes.

You know, you could be on your way to the down payment on them all

if you would care for a little game at a small stake.

Unless, of course, you'd rather quit while you're ahead.

[chuckles]

I don't know which one of us is the hustler,

but I can't wait to find out.

[Bernie] I still can't believe it.

Won enough money to hire our own driver for the trip home.

Babe, I was making incredible...

Ow. [exhales] ...shots.

Walked out of the room in a daze.

Yeah, well, I can see you're not exactly yourself.

Why?

Well, you're wearing one regular shoe and one tennis shoe.

Oh, well, that's because my ankle's still swollen.

I can't get, uh, a regular boot over it.

Well, you better finish lacing it up

before you trip and you wreck your other ankle.

Your father wasn't too happy about losing, you know that?

Well, no offense, sweetheart, but he must've had an off day.

"Off day," my...

I'm not too bad, you know?

Sweetheart, Dad is a real pool shark.

[Bernie scoffs]

Now, this was taken when he won his 40th trophy.

I don't get it. I took 50...

Oh, man.

What?

I get it.

I get a picture of little Bernie being set up

by a lovely weekend in the country.

What are you talking about?

He threw the game, that's what.

You know, a little of your father's soft sell.

You give one to get one.

- Where are you going? - You know, I'll tell you something.

It's people like him that give pool a bad name.

[Bridget] Bernie...

I, uh, think this belongs to you.

What are you talking about?

What are you wearing two different shoes for?

Never mind two different shoes. Twenty, 40, 50. Right, it's all there.

Will someone translate what he's saying?

Maybe he's trying to pay us room and board for the weekend.

Bernie, you are right about one thing

- and that is I was trying to win you over. - Ah.

But if you are implying that I deliberately threw that game, you're...

Uh-huh. That is exactly what I'm implying.

That's not fair, Walt.

You never throw a game to me.

- I never throw a game to anyone. - Oh, come on.

I've seen the trophies. You're a... you're a champion.

[snickers, then groans]

Somebody who plays that well couldn't possibly lose to anybody.

Oh, it is possible from time to time to lose

to an inept but a fantastically lucky player.

Lucky?

[chuckles]

Look, uh, I just want you to know something.

On Houston Street, I'm known as Manhattan Fats.

When I'm on my game, nobody can take me. Not even you.

You care for a rematch, Fats?

All right, I would.

[Walter] For the $50.

Fifty and fifty more.

Bernie!

Oh, you're on.

This time you take me seriously, all right?

Don't you worry. Your luck just ran out.

[Amy] Well, what about dinner?

And what about our guests?

And anyway, I don't like to watch pool on an empty stomach.

We will eat dinner after the match, Amy. It won't take very long.

No, no. Just long enough for you to lose your appetite.

[Bridget screaming]

[Walter grunts]

- Do you want to-- - You are not getting out of this match!

Not even if you drown me!

[Bernie] Six in the side.

[mellow music playing]

Three, corner.

- [chuckles] How about that? - Hey! Good boy, Bernie.

Five in the corner.

Okay, my boy.

Just sit down, make yourself comfortable.

Fifteen in the side.

Thirteen.

How can I miss a shot like that? Did you cough on my shot?

Didn't make a sound.

Well, something distracted me. You must've sighed or something.

Yeah, well, I admit I did breathe.

Well, you're a very noisy breather. Okay, you're up.

Two in the corner.

It was a short, rasping sound.

Mmm. Ten in the side.

Please.

Fourteen in the corner.

[suspenseful music playing]

One in the corner.

Must be a postnasal drip.

One in the corner.

That does it. Easy shot on the eight and I'm home.

Oh, not with the pressure that's on you, Fats.

Let's see you make the shot. Earn that $100.

No sweat.

Eight in the side.

[balls clack]

Don't count your money too fast. I didn't leave you much of a shot.

Fourteen first.

Eight in the side.

[scoffs] What, are you kidding? It's a scratch for sure.

In the city, maybe, but not in the country.

[applause]

Well, good game, my boy. You really gave me a scare.

What say we forget the 100 bucks?

Uh, no, thanks.

No more early Christmas presents.

A bet is a bet.

You, uh, mind if I owe you the rest?

No, certainly not, son.

Believe me, I know I can trust you for the other 95.

Okay, everyone. Dinner is served.

[Mike] Ah, let's eat. Come on.

[lighthearted music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

I think you played very well. And I'm proud of you.

Yeah.

So we do without a few things for a while.

Like groceries.

[somber music playing]

Well, why aren't you smiling, Walt?

You won.

Oh, sure. But the real trophy just walked out the door.

[Amy] Oh.

What are you doing?

Packing.

Bernie, it's not like you to be a sore loser.

What loser?

I'm a winner. From now on, we're both gonna be winners.

Look, Bridge, uh...

your father offered me a job yesterday.

I'm gonna take it.

That horse did more than bite you. He must've kicked you in the head.

No, as a matter of fact, I think it was your father with a pool cue

who beat a little sense into my head.

Sweetheart.

Look, not only do I owe him a lot of money...

but I also owe his daughter a lot of things

that I haven't been able to give her these last few months.

Not just an engagement ring or...

Bernie Steinberg, that's the most insulting thing I've ever heard.

If I wanted money, there are dozens of bank balances I could've married.

Why don't we knock off playing "let's pretend"?

I've made my decision. That's final.

Just like that?

Well, maybe you'd be interested in my decision.

Now you can do what you want with your half. My half stays here.

[dramatic tense music playing]

- You can't mean that. - No?

Bernie, do you remember the night that we met

and we sat and talked till four in the morning?

All I did was ask you one simple question.

Why you wanna write plays?

And you didn't stop talking for three hours.

[chuckles softly]

Now, most girls would've been insulted, but I happened to like the things you said

and the way you said them.

You don't think all that, uh, talk was a little idealistic, huh?

Maybe.

All I knew was, I wanted to be a part of it.

I still do.

Is that the reason why you married me, 'cause you're stage-struck?

Sure. It certainly couldn't have had anything to do with you.

No plays, no marriage, huh?

I think you talked me into it.

No, I haven't.

But now I'm gonna talk you into it.

[both exclaiming]

[laughing]

What did I tell you? I don't belong here.

Not only can't I stay on a horse, I can't even stay on a suitcase.

[indistinct chatter]

[upbeat music playing]

Hey, look, we really, uh, we really enjoyed the weekend.

Including the swollen ankle, the little dip in the pool.

I know the part that you liked the most.

That was the 30 seconds it took you to turn down the job.

Well, look at it this way, Mr. Fitzgerald.

You're not losing a stockbroker, you're gaining a pool partner.

[Amy laughs]

And some day, Daddy, I'll be married to a famous playwright.

Oh, Bridget.

I wanted you always to be married to Bernie.

[theme music playing]

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