Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

You know, I don't care what the date is...

for me, this has been the longest day of the year.

This bed is gonna feel good. [sighs]

Are you all right?

Not again. [chuckles]

I think we better call Michael. He can give the bed the last rites.

And after only two romantic months.

Yeah, and half a dozen unromantic...

Ow. [groans]

...backaches.

So long, sweetheart. You've had it.

A pickle.

- Sam, a pickle. - Hmm?

Sam, the man don't want no "hmm" on his plate, he wants a pickle.

Oh.

What's the matter, Sam? Don't you feel good?

Got two hours of sleep last night. The kids' bed collapsed.

They fixed it. It collapsed. They fixed it.

Who's gonna fix me when I collapse?

[exciting music playing]

[Walter] Now, Amy, just hello and goodbye to the kids.

[Amy] But we'll be away for the whole weekend, Walt.

[Walter] Exactly. So don't take the whole weekend saying hello and goodbye.

Just "hello" and "goodbye."

- Well, good morning. - Good morning, Moe.

Oh, the parents of the bride.

We're on our way out to the country for the weekend.

We just wanted to stop by and say goodbye to the kids.

- Oh, they're out. - Oh.

[Sam] But they'll be back.

Listen, while you're waiting, maybe I'll make you a nice breakfast.

You know, some blueberry blintzes.

No. No, thank you. I'm, uh... I'm on a very special diet.

Yes. No blueberry blintzes.

Oh, that's too bad.

But if you're in between meals, how about some latkes?

Uh, no, her diet covers whatever that is too.

It's only potato pancakes. What could it hurt?

- Well, why didn't you say so? - Everybody knows.

No, thanks. Amy, I really don't think that we should, uh, wait.

Oh, well, I... I do hate to miss the children. Where did they go?

They're out window-shopping for a new bed. The old one gave out.

Oh, honestly, you know, Bridget was the same way with shoes.

A new pair every week.

Look, let's hope that the new bed will outlast her shoes.

Amy, look, we've gotta go.

There's a threesome somewhere on a golf course in Connecticut

waiting for me to make it a foursome.

Why didn't Bridget tell us that they needed a new bed?

Walt, can you buy a new bed on a... on a cab driver's salary?

Amy, the threesome I'm talking about

- is Ferriday of Tri-State Oil... - Amy, according to the kids,

- they already saved up $100. - ...and Parsons of...

A hundred dollars for a bed?

Our pillowcases cost more than that.

You can buy a new bed for less than $100.

Sure. I saw some beauties advertised the other day at Klopman's Bed Emporium.

That wouldn't be anywheres near Saks Fifth Avenue, would it?

Well, it's nowhere near the first tee of the Silver Knoll Country Club.

Now, come on, Amy. Look, just say hello to the kids for us

and to the Klopman's Bed Emporium. Okay.

[mellow music playing]

[Bridget] But, Bernie, you've always had that bed.

Your parents gave it to you. What will they say?

[Bernie] What can they say after a crash that registered four on the Richter scale?

They'll say, "Pay us a visit anytime, but, uh, not through the ceiling."

[Bridget] Okay. If we're gonna buy a bed, how about here?

[Bernie] Nah. It's too expensive.

[Bridget] At least we can look. Come on.

[bright music playing]

[Walter] Now remember, Amy, we're not here to furnish their whole apartment.

We're just here to buy a bed.

[Amy] I wish you'd have faith in me, Walt. It won't even take a minute.

Look, Amy, I don't mind blowing the whole weekend.

For Bridget, I would do it anytime.

But by the time that you've picked one of these, it'll be out of style.

So why don't you just do what you usually do?

Find out which is the more expensive and take it.

That isn't the point, Walt.

The point is, are they Bridget and Bernie?

At $1,000 a piece, they're Onassis and Jackie.

[mellow music playing]

[Bernie] Water. A waterbed.

Whoever thought I'd buy a bed you fill with water?

[Bridget] Bernie, we couldn't pass up a sale like that.

It was the opportunity of a lifetime.

[Bernie] Yeah. But the next opportunity of a lifetime,

I certainly hope they deliver.

[Bridget] What happened to my husband, the swashbuckling adventurer?

[Bernie] Yeah, well, he never swashbuckled his way through 120 bucks before.

[Bridget] It's only a three-day trial.

If we don't like it, we can get our money back.

[Bernie] Yeah, I know, but, uh, tell me something.

How does a guy who gets seasick in a bathtub sleep on a waterbed?

[car honks]

[Bernie] Okay.

Go on, I'll get the door.

[both laughing]

It's a shame we couldn't have floated it up.

I'm pooped.

[Bernie] Oh, no. I don't believe it.

- [Bridget] What? - [sighs, chuckles]

- I forgot the most important part. - What?

The hose to fill it. I'll be right back.

- Bernie? - What?

- [Bridget] What's that? - What's what?

[shocking music cue plays]

It, uh...

looks like a bed.

"Dear Bridget and Bernie, may you spend many happy hours

in the well-made, expensive bed we bought you

with the money we were saving for our vacation.

Better you should enjoy while you're young.

Love, ma and pa Steinberg."

[sighs]

Now what are we supposed to do?

- Play musical beds every night? - Suppose we like the waterbed better?

Would they be insulted if we returned theirs?

- Was Moses Jewish? - Moses Jewish?

You know, this is crazy.

Don't we have the right to the bed of our own choice?

Yeah, sure. Sure we have the right.

We also have the right to get yelled and screamed at.

Think they'll take it that badly?

Sweetheart, hell hath no fury like a Steinberg scorned.

Well, captain, I guess we cancel our cruise.

Not on your life.

Listen, lady, grab an oar.

We're going sailing in a brass-bottomed boat. Come on.

- Careful with that. You all right? - [Bridget] Ow.

[shocking music cue plays]

What the...?

It's just what we need is another bed.

"Dear Bridget and Bernie, may this little token...

lead to 50 years of happiness and an equal number of grandchildren.

Love, Mother and Father Fitzgerald."

Has your father ever heard of the population explosion?

How did they get this in here?

More important, how do we get it out?

Oh, forget it.

You're worried about the fury of a Steinberg scorned,

you've never run into the hellfire and brimstone of a Fitzgerald.

All right, now, wait a minute. I mean, what are we doing?

We gonna let ourselves be pushed around and bullied

by a couple of sets of parents?

That bed goes out. This bed...

Bernie, your mother's liable to be up here at any minute.

You're right. Let's set this bed up. We'll worry about being bullied later.

Oh, I can't wait to see their faces when they see the bed.

Oh, yes. I think it's just the kind of bed the children will like.

Not the children. The Steinbergs.

Oh, I don't think they'll like it nearly as much as the children will.

Well, it'll show them a thing or two about taste.

Walt, I wonder if we should've gotten such an expensive bed.

Amy, a bed is the most important piece of furniture a man can own.

It's a place to read the market reports,

to think about business, to consummate corporate deals.

Well, I don't think the children view a bed quite that way, dear.

They're young. They'll learn.

Why haven't they called to thank us?

Who? The Steinbergs? Maybe they haven't seen the bed yet.

No, not the Steinbergs. The children.

A man spends his entire weekend in New York City

shopping for an expensive bed and not one word of gratitude.

Well, maybe they're so grateful, they don't know how to put it into words.

Well, if they don't have the decency to call us,

we will have the decency to go down there!

Oh, Walt, do you think that's wise?

Of course. Why give somebody an expensive gift

if you can't be thanked for it? Come on, Amy.

[man speaking indistinctly on TV]

From a right cross to your apron, Sophie.

- [man] Six, seven, eight, nine, ten! - Sophie, will you move?

He's out! We have a new world champion.

Without me, they have a new world champion.

- There. I'm finished. - Terrific. So is the fight.

It's amazing how much dust is in the air.

If you wouldn't move it around so much, it'll stay put.

I only did half the table.

You'll do the other half tomorrow. Sit down, Sophie.

Who can sit, knowing that any minute

Bridget and Bernie will be inviting us up to thank us for the new bed?

Sophie, will you relax?

[sighs] "Relax."

There must be a good reason that they waited this long.

Maybe they were so shocked, they fainted from happiness.

I said, "A good reason."

[suspenseful music playing]

- What if they can't put it together? - Bernie's very mechanical.

- What if they don't like it? - What's not to like?

You know, that's just like Bernie.

Remember that summer we sent him to sleepaway camp?

Not one letter for two whole months.

This time they'll write. Believe me, they'll thank us, Sophie.

Just give them time.

Okay, Sam. I'll give them time.

[lighthearted music playing]

- Where are you going? - Upstairs. They just ran out of time.

- Sophie, wait! - What for?

For me.

Well, what do you think?

I liked it better before it was put together.

Yeah, it kind of looks like a reject from Mount Sinai Hospital.

At least it's up.

Anytime, Mother Steinberg.

[doorbell buzzes]

With my mother, "anytime" is usually right now. Get off it.

What about the, uh...?

Oh, uh, answer the door. I'll throw my body in front of this.

[clears throat, then whistles]

[exciting music playing]

[Amy] Now, Walt, you still have time to change your mind.

Are you sure you wanna go up?

[Walter] Oh, no. Of course not. I drove all the way down here

so we could just sit in the car and argue for ten minutes.

- I hope we're not disturbing. - [Bridget] Oh, no.

- Oh, there it is. - Bernie just finished assembling it.

- How do you like it, huh? - Oh, it's a beauty, Dad.

So how come the beauty's in the living room?

[Bridget] Well, we decided to remodel the bedroom around the bed.

Oh, Bernie, you got quite a girl here. You got quite a bed here too.

Oh, this bed will wear like iron. No crashing to the ground with this baby.

No, sir. They don't make beds like that anymore.

We really do appreciate it.

Yeah. This bed will outlive us all.

Fortunately, that's probably true, Dad.

Well, we wanted to get you something that wouldn't wear out.

Something that will remind you of us after we're gone.

Believe me, we're giving enough thought to it while you're still here.

Remodeling, huh? Maybe I can come up with a couple of ideas.

Uh, that's not fair. I... it's supposed to be a surprise.

- Mm. Oh? - Yeah, a surprise.

- Right now it would only be a shock. - Oh, shocks I don't need.

But maybe something for this tickle-tackle in my throat,

- maybe in the bathroom. - Uh, Mother...

I'll walk through with my eyes shut.

Why don't you make a little of that terrific coffee of yours

for that tickle-tackle in the throat?

If you insist, yes.

Coffee we can have downstairs. Come on, Sophie. The kids must be tired.

- Yeah. - We... we are bushed.

Well, we're glad you like the bed.

We hope you enjoy it in the best of health.

- Thanks. We will. - [chuckles]

Yeah. My back feels better already.

[doorbell buzzing]

- [indistinct chatter] - Well, Mr. and Mrs. Uptown.

What a pleasant surprise.

My, uh, my folks were just going.

Oh, I'm so sorry we missed you.

You didn't. We're still here.

- But not for long. - We came to see the bed.

Oh, that's nice. It's a beauty.

- Uh, we'll... we'll show it to 'em, Mom. - Oh, he's so proud.

[Amy] Good heavens. What's that?

That's the bed we were talking about. Klopman Emporium's finest.

- Well, I'd hate to see their worst. - Oh, you would, huh?

That's the bed we bought for the kids with our vacation money.

You bought? Where's the bed that we stayed in town to buy?

- You bought? - You bought?

[Bernie] It was just one of those days when everyone was buying.

Oh, I found it.

So that's how you're redecorating the room.

Ma, the bed was already up when we got here.

In the place of honor?

Oh! Yes, sir.

Oh, now this is a bed that you can sink your teeth into.

Oh, doesn't it just make the whole room?

It is the whole room.

Why don't we go in and have some coffee and talk about it?

Why, what's the matter, dear? Do you feel that it clashes with the decor?

Of course not. It's beautiful. And expensive.

Of course, we may have to pick up a few things to put with it.

Like fancy nightstands and crystal chandeliers.

Not to mention murals for the walls and the ceilings.

Oh, I don't think that'll be necessary.

I mean, after all, they're not gonna stay in this place forever.

So, what's wrong with this place?

Well, for one thing, there are too many beds.

Well, if they take this one out, there'll be just enough.

Hey, now... [stammers] Can we discuss this rationally?

What's to discuss?

If you prefer sleeping on a bed given to you by perfect strangers

instead of on a bed given to you by your parents

who scrimped and saved to bring you up to be the grateful boy you are,

well, who are we to interfere?

Ma...

Now, that's unfair.

Look, Bridget and I love you all.

We appreciate the fact that

- you went out of your way... - So that's unfair by you?

What's unfair is that you're turning this into

some kind of popularity contest between the families.

[sentimental music playing]

The boy is right. Poor, but right.

We should've allowed them to choose without putting pressure on them.

On that I agree. Come on, Sophie, let them make up their minds in peace.

Okay, Sam.

Are you coming?

Oh, of course. You won't find me dilly-dallying.

Now, darling, when you choose which bed you're gonna keep,

I want you to just remember one thing.

Uh, what's that, Mother?

Your upbringing.

- Just one more-- - Sophie.

- Not about the bed, Sam. - Okay.

I want you to know that Sam and I love you both very much.

Whatever.

[upbeat music playing]

Okay. There you go.

The world's first $120 ocean liner.

What do you say we dive right in?

Um... [chuckles]

Without a life jacket?

- Mm-hmm. - All right, I'm game for that.

Go ahead.

Ooh!

How is it?

- It... it's fine, if you like body surfing. - Yeah.

Come on in.

Okay. Geronimo!

[both exclaiming]

- Does this thing come with a rail? - Oh, I think it's fun.

You would.

- It's kind of like being on a cruise. - A cruise, huh?

Okay, sweetheart. Could the, uh, captain of this cruise

get a little kiss, do you suppose?

Oh, I think that'd be great for the morale.

Super.

I think I'm gonna need a safety belt.

[both groaning]

I think I'm gonna need an orthodontist. Wait a minute.

Come here.

- You battened down? - Uh-huh.

Okay. Hang on.

You're a good sport, Sam.

What sport? We all wanted the same thing for the kids. The best, huh?

L'chaim.

Not bad. Never take the place of a martini.

Just put an olive in it and close your eyes.

"Lubner's Concord wine."

I don't think that would go very well with olives.

You know, I just can't help wondering which bed the children have picked.

Oh, now, now, Amy, just remember the agreement, not to talk about it.

You're right, Sophie. I'm in favor of not mentioning it at all.

Me too.

[lighthearted music playing]

Oh.

Amy, you don't have to cry.

I did my crying upstairs, she can do hers down here.

Well, I think I usually know when I'm crying.

My tears come out of my eyes, not my forehead.

Oops. I felt one too.

Oh, maybe it's raining and your roof is leaking.

On the bottom floor of a three-story building?

[water dripping]

It's a regular April shower.

Oy, it must be a busted pipe in the kids' apartment.

We better get up there.

Hold your horses. It's more like a busted dream,

and according to my calculations,

that leak is coming from the kids' bedroom.

What do they do before they go to bed, have water fights?

You're close.

I saw the kids and they said they bought a waterbed.

And by my simple logic, it busted.

Why a waterbed?

Why would they choose that one over one of ours?

Who knows?

Maybe they wanted something that felt like their own,

that meant something to them.

Hey, fellas.

How would you like to roll up your sleeves for a very romantic cause?

A waterbed.

Well, kind of makes up for a missed honeymoon.

- Now we don't have to go to Niagara Falls. - Go to Niagara Falls?

This is more like going over them in a barrel.

Well, what are we gonna sleep on tonight?

Oh, I don't know. I think we have a couple of other models in dry dock.

No chance. I'm not gonna go through that choice again.

Babe, tonight we don't have a choice.

We sleep on whatever's not wet.

[door opening]

[Sam] Where did you get so smart?

[indistinct chatter]

[Sam] Watch the door.

Bridget, I... think I'm having one of my mother's visions.

Good, that's it.

That vision looks suspiciously like our old bed.

Only like new, ketseleh, from all of us.

So you won't have to make a decision.

From the Steinbergs.

- And the Fitzgeralds. - And Mr. Lubner.

Lubner?

Oh, yes. if I hadn't had three glasses of his fine wine,

I would have never had the "scourage"...

Courage to help hold the nails for these two gentlemen.

[laughter]

[sighs]

Do you realize that this is the first joint project of our parents?

Correction. We are the first joint project.

You think the bed will hold up as well as we have?

My, uh, back and I sincerely hope so.

Well, it looks sturdy enough.

Yeah.

Well, never judge a bed by its cover, my dear.

Would, uh...? Would you like to...?

- Uh, no, no. - No, I didn't think so.

[clears throat]

[tender music playing]

[springs creaking]

It's terrific. It is sturdy now.

Yeah, so saying, the bed broke and he wound up on the floor.

Not a chance. You're not getting off that easy.

Come over here.

I missed you, you know that?

I missed you too...

through flood and our own Klopman's Bed Emporium.

Do you suppose we could, um, arrange a little reunion kiss?

Uh-huh.

[both moaning]

- [bed crashing] - [Bridget laughing]

You certainly...

You certainly are some kisser.

[theme music playing]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0