Original subtitles

They say there are two kinds of people that go to reunions. Those that have

something to show off, and those that are and were desperate losers.

Willing to revalidate their status in a pathetic quest to see if the homecoming

game is 300 pounds.

Or the jock brick that blew up the toilet while you were sitting on it.

Lost his hair, or better yet, limb.

Or maybe, just maybe find some reason to leave.

that their life really isn't as bad as they might think it is.

My name is Rick Foster, and I'd like to tell you I'm above all that, but I'd be

lying.

Ted?

Ted? Honey, Ted's here!

The Ted made it!

Hi! Hi!

Oh!

Hi. Hi.

Hi. I didn't know you had a daughter.

This is my wife.

So, what happened to you?

Jill and I got divorced ten years ago, and Karen and I got married three years

ago. It's very brave of you to come. Thank you.

Well, I prepared her for a pretty high butthead quotient this weekend.

Oh, you won't be disappointed.

Hey, this is a nice car. Is it a lease? No, I bought it. It's a Subaru Tribeca.

So, Donnie, are you in the hardware business?

Or is that a strap-on? Uh, hardware.

Home of Donnie's giant hammer.

I think I underestimated the butthead quotient. They seem nice.

I think maybe we should leave before it's too late. They already have our

stuff. Well, I'll buy new clothes, new luggage. Ted, this is your weekend. I'm

only here to make it better for you. Remember you said you couldn't get

through it without me?

I'm here for you. Let's make it fun.

Is that Larry? That is... Donnie Spencer.

Hey. And Peggy Gray.

Oh, hey, how's it going? Mary.

Thank you. Let's not forget these.

Thank you. We'll see you in there. Yeah, have a great time.

Ted Renton. Or should I say the new...

Improved. Ted Renton.

And this must be Karen, the second wife.

How did you know that?

She'll and I stay in touch.

I don't need a name tag. Nonsense.

No one is a stranger here at the UFC class of 85 reunion.

Here you go.

Hello, my name is Ted's young second wife, Karen.

Everyone gets two free bar tickets.

I'll just take the whole roll there, Marge.

It's five bucks a ticket.

It's all right.

Say hello to Jill for me.

Hey.

Bye. See you later.

Nope, don't tell me.

Uh,

Rick Foster, right?

That's right.

You remember me?

You're unforgettable.

Marjorie. Yeah, that's right.

I had a bet on you as a no-show.

And I'd have covered that bet, because I don't like to lose.

Oh. Well, have a great time.

Are you here alone?

Not for long.

I'm here to rekindle old relationships, possibly make some new ones. Oh. All

with the intent of kicking their butts on the golf course.

Like I said, Marge, I don't like to lose.

I bet not.

Hey.

Hey, yo, Ricky.

Hey.

How are you, pal? Hey, Rick. Good to see you, kid. How are you?

How are you? Good, good. You look great.

Johnny. What's up, buddy?

How are you? I'm good.

You lost a couple pounds, huh? Peg's cooking.

Here we are. The Slack Pack.

Just like in college. The back of the room with no women around.

I wonder why.

Oh, hey.

Put this on. Oh, uh, can't make these.

Yeah, pretty scary, huh?

Very scary.

But not quite as scary as that rug on Ted.

This is not a rug.

This is a hair enhancement week, all right?

It's hard to believe it's been 20 years, huh?

Yeah, and we've done pretty good for ourselves, huh, guys?

Yeah, not bad.

Come on, compared to these losers?

So, uh, let's get to some trouble, huh? You guys aren't really gonna wear those

shirts, are you?

No, no, no!

Yeah, thank you, Stacy.

Are you guys twins?

Okay. You know you're not here for the Mensa conference.

Oh, no, no, no, no. The reunion.

Can I get a Jack and Ginger, please?

Drop.

Banana daiquiri, please.

For my wife. And I'll have a whiskey with no ice and no water and in a

dirty glass if you got one, please.

Nice recovery, Donnie. Thank you.

Hey, guys, did we go to school like a lot of beautiful women?

Yeah, yeah.

We did.

I wonder why none of them showed up tonight.

All right.

I got a question for you boys.

Out of all the women back in college, which one did you want to sleep with but

never did?

That's so easy.

Paula Wilkinson.

Lois Moore.

Oh, the rack on her?

She had a nice shitter, too.

About Wendy Oakley, huh? Oh, God. I actually slept with Wendy Oakley. Oh,

you did not. Get out of town.

I did so.

Well, we don't have to go far to check it out, because she's standing right

over there.

Oh, my God. She looks great.

Yeah, exactly the way I remember her. Way better.

She must have had a ton of work done.

I'm going to go say hi.

I'm coming with you, just in case she tries to dry hump you.

Remember me?

Yeah, I don't think so.

Come on, now.

Football field after homecoming?

Go long, Ted?

50-yard line?

Come on.

It's me, Ted Retton.

Hey, Ted!

I see you've met my daughter.

Ted and I had kind of a hot thing going back then.

Remember the utility closet in the lab science building?

I don't need to hear this.

You look great, Ted.

Rick Foster?

How are you?

Good. Oh, and Kim.

And I don't remember you. That's okay.

Well, we all gotta get back to our wives. Oh, you're married? Too bad.

Pull it! Pull it!

Woo-hoo!

Pull it!

It could possibly feel even shittier. Hold it!

Hold it!

So, I came back from Paris with a Master of Fine Arts after a two-year stint

modeling and painting with Jean-Pierre, and I realized that my real passion is

corporate law.

And rather than let all my offers from Ivy League schools go to waste, well,

you know.

Well, I'll never forgive myself for letting my Ivy League offers go to

waste. So, you're still in school, huh?

Yeah, till the end of this year. And then the prom and on to college. So, how

did you and Ted meet?

On a ski lift.

We were stuck there for two hours.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I had to see him again because I got stuck

with his ski cap and his hair was in it.

Isn't that cute?

Yeah!

Um, I'm gonna take the stairs. It was nice meeting you. I like to stretch.

I will.

See you in the morning.

Ted sure seems to have done well for himself.

What do you think she and Ted talk about? I mean, what do they really have

in common?

Honey, Cam and I, we have our whole lives in common, but we ran out of

things to talk about a long time ago.

I think if the sex is good, the talking takes care of itself.

That's why I told Rick I just want to keep it sexual. No need to mess up a

good relationship with feelings.

So, Ted, exactly how old is your new wife?

30?

22.

22?

22? Mm-hmm. So what happened to Jill?

I don't know. We just, uh, drifted apart.

Felt different interests.

Oh, what, she wasn't interested in 22-year-old women?

Uh, you're jealous, huh?

Ted, I'm from L.A. Come on, I see younger women all the time. Yeah, he

lives right next door to an elementary school.

God, the kids would love this.

What a beautiful little swimming hole, huh?

You know, that swimming hole's a lot like a woman.

Tonight, it's beautiful.

Tomorrow, it's a hazard.

So, five kids, huh, Donnie?

How old are they?

18, 16, 11, 9, and, uh... 3.

What happened in between 9 and 3?

Hernia. You or her?

Both, actually. They said we pulled something.

Who was your doctor? Wendy Oakley?

Pull it.

Please, can we just smoke cigars, please?

You guys know I've never golfed before.

Never? Never.

What the hell do you do for fun? I think Peggy has the answer to that.

Hey, give me that thing.

You gotta shake it up a little bit, man.

Whoa, whoa! Hey, guys!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Just shake it.

Good idea.

Ta-da!

What's wrong? You're all wet.

I had to jump in the lake.

Rick lit me on fire.

It was hot.

You're hot.

You're hotter.

Be the hottest.

You're boiling.

You're boiling over, my friend.

You're scalding.

Oh, you hot man.

Fireman, fireman, come on, get your hose, get your hose. The hose is coming

out.

All right?

Hey.

You okay?

Kim.

Why are you making so much noise coming in?

I was asleep.

I just thought maybe you fell down. I heard you stumble around inside.

Hi. Hi.

Took you long enough.

You wouldn't be waiting for me, would you?

Well, it's either you or him.

Last call, Ted.

Where the hell is Donnie? Has anyone seen Donnie?

No, but if you promise me he feels worse than I do, I hope you'll look.

He probably just slept in. It's not even 6.30. Sleeping in doesn't start till 8.

Could you keep it down, please?

Who the hell is he?

You ladies gonna hit or what?

Well, tea time's not for a minute and a half, so if you guys are behind us, it

might be a little early.

Go ahead.

You guys play through.

You should thank your friend for saving your nose.

It's a gentleman's game.

Assholes.

Cam, I can't believe you didn't get a golf cart. Told you there's none left.

Besides, a walk will do you good.

Ted, you're with friends on a golf course. It doesn't get any better than

this. I think I'm gonna throw up.

Just don't do it in my back swing.

Want a beer?

Uh, that's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, Teddy.

I thought you were hungover.

I am, Cam.

Frankly, they frown on people bringing their own beer onto the course. Of

course Marshall sees us. If they see the beer, they're gonna throw us off the

course.

It's cold.

Okay.

Our father, who art in Augusta, Nicholas be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on greens as it is in fairways.

Give us this day our share of birdies, and forgive us our gimmies, as we

forgive those who gimme against us.

Lead us not into the deep rough, and deliver us from sand traps.

For we drive for power, and putt for glory, forever and ever.

Amen. Christ.

Okay, Donnie, how about you and I'll be partners?

We'll kick their fat asses, huh?

I'm not that hungover.

Ah, so you guys got some spare change?

You want to play a couple bucks a hole?

What do you say we play 10 bucks a hole and 50 for the game?

How about we play 50 bucks a hole, 500 for the game?

Uh, I've never golfed before.

Yeah, that's, um...

Pitch deep. And I don't see why Donnie and I have to be dragged into you and

Rick's pissing match.

Cam, didn't you hear what Donnie just said?

He's never played before.

It's a win-win. You get to leave here with a pile of scratch, and we get to

kick his cocky ass.

Okay.

All right. So, who's away first?

Well, let's let the rookie go first, huh?

Step into my office.

All right, Donny boy.

You want to stand at a comfortable distance from the ball.

Not so close where you're going to jam yourself.

But you don't want to be reaching either.

Okay. Let me see your grip.

That's your grip? That's my grip. Come here. Give me this finger. Wrap this

around that finger. I'm hitting a ball with a stick. How hard can that be?

Okay, Donny. Try to keep your eye on the ball, huh?

Okay, okay, okay. Are you gonna hit the ball or are you just gonna scare it?

Okay.

Come on!

What the?

All right!

Get us off to a good start now.

Lots of fairway out there. Just pick your spot.

Find some grass.

Right down the center, teddy bear. Lots of grass out there. Lots of fairway.

Right down the center, teddy bear.

Sorry.

Teddy, nice shot.

Okay, I'm catching on. Tree's bad.

Nice shot, Cam. Good one, Cam.

The pressure's really on now, huh?

Take out your notepads. Your lesson begins.

Come on, Rick.

Rick!

I didn't get it all.

Shut up.

The battle has begun.

Hey! Hey!

So beautiful out here, huh?

Thank you!

No, I said it's really pretty!

Thank you. You're so sweet. I'm glad I came.

I almost let Ted come by himself, but sometimes I forget how nice it is to get

out of the city for a while. Yeah.

Well, see ya.

I was just warming up before. Oh, great. We can run together.

Yeah. I had a home-cooked meal in a couple years.

So I tried all these recipes, but as much as I hate to admit it, Ted's mom's

really is the best.

Do you ever bake your own bread? No.

I think it's really relaxing.

Very relaxing.

How's the computer business treating you?

Not bad.

About 15 companies so far this year. Top to bottom.

You know, Ted, I never figured you for a computer nerd.

I'm not, Rick.

I'm the guy who hires the computer nerds.

Ah.

Lord of the nerds.

I never intended to end up in hardware, but I got the job right out of college,

and I like it.

What about you, Cam? You like your job?

Yeah. Yeah, it's fun. Yeah, I bet.

Boy, who would have thought one of us would wind up in television, huh?

Yeah, well, I'm not actually in television. I just sell the commercial

time. Well, it's still television. I mean, you're hanging out there with the

personalities, all the stars.

Uh, well, they're in another part of the building, Johnny.

Yeah, but you must see them in the studio every once in a while. No, no,

they don't let us in the studio.

Oh, uh, well, at parties, then.

Parties? No, they don't invite us to parties.

Boy, TV sucks.

You know, Cam, you're another guy I can't figure out.

Huh? Why not?

Don't strike me as the sales type.

I mean, let's face it, we're not always 100% up front with our customers.

I mean, sometimes you gotta have that poker face. For those times you're

fudging a bit on the truth.

You don't have that.

What?

Poker face.

Sorry, Cam.

Sell television ads, Rick.

Not like I'm trying to get people into my tent to see Cho-Cho the dog-faced

boy.

Okay, you're off the green.

Got under it. The old elephant's ass.

High and stinky.

Sorry, Ted.

Guess it's up to you. Yep, no problem.

Watch this.

So, Ted, the second marriage is going okay, is it?

Yep. Ah, good. Good, good, good.

Because you want to get right back upon that horse when you fall off.

Not to say that your wife is a horse. I just meant she's more like a pony.

Do you mind?

By all means.

Oh,

that's too bad. That is a shame.

So. Michael, that's our 11-year-old member, decides he wants to play

organized hockey. So we let him try out and damned if he didn't make the Pee Wee

All-Stars first year incredible.

Incredible. Couldn't say better myself.

15 feet from the pin.

All right, so which club should I use? All right, go with me.

Okay. This time swing easy.

Don't try and kill it. Swing easy, right.

Nice and easy.

Please put me out of my misery.

All right,

Donnie, that's better. Am I on the green?

You're in the bunker.

Shit! Incredible.

I'll start with you.

Come on.

I like to sprint the last few hundred yards.

Oh.

Hey, look, Ted.

Your wife's racing Cam's wife.

Kick her ass, honey.

I'm gonna get one of those new, improved, younger wives, Cam.

Why do I have to? I think Lori's gonna have a heart attack.

Yeah!

Yes! No!

Thank you, gentlemen.

That was great.

I'm gonna go shower up, then maybe we can get some breakfast.

Okay.

Man,

these guys ahead of us are slow.

Hey, Donnie, ask them if they'll let us play through.

Should I?

Yeah, sure.

You think so?

Yeah, it's etiquette. They'll let you.

Don't worry. Cam's good buddies with that guy.

You gotta ask.

All right.

Hey,

guys!

Can we play through?

Oh, I think they're gonna let us. They're waving. That's not exactly a

wave, Donnie.

Donnie, go ahead and hit the ball. They're out of range.

All right.

Wait a minute now. They're still only 90 yards out.

I mean, they're out of Donnie's range.

Here we go.

Here, try it with one of these.

Shit!

Shit!

Shit!

Shit! It was probably the rental clubs. Yeah, that's it.

Where'd it go?

Where? About four feet, six inches, right at that big tree right there. Four

feet, six inches?

That's over 200 yards away. How do you know it's four feet, six inches?

It's got 40-20 vision. What?

40-20 vision. I've always had 40-20 vision. What color undies am I wearing?

You're not wearing any undies, are you?

He's good.

What kind of money are you making in this computer base, Dad?

I'm doing all right.

So what, six figures?

Well, Rick, I'd rather keep that to myself if you don't mind.

Sorry, Dad, I didn't mean to get personal. It's all right.

Hey, Donnie, try moving your left foot closer to the ball.

A little closer.

Shit!

Oh, not that close.

Ow! Ow!

God. So, Ted, do you invest any of your own money?

Yeah, I got someone who handles all that, right?

Yeah, yeah. So I got a little something going on down south that you might want

to sink a couple bucks into.

Yeah, sink being the operative word. No, no, I'm serious.

I was wondering when this was going to happen.

What? What? What do you mean, what?

Scheme, Rick.

You schemed your way through college.

Yeah, well, this isn't a schema, right? It's a business opportunity.

And I'm telling you right now, a guy willing to take a chance, say, $5,000,

$6,000, will come away with some big money on this one.

All right, Rick, you got my curiosity up.

What is it?

Eh, just a little venture I'm trying to get going on the side.

Mm, venture.

Nice one! Oh, man!

So what do you think, Ted? Are you interested?

Well, I think I'm going to need a little more information, Rick. Well, it has to

do with the Brazilian pepper tree.

The what?

The Brazilian pepper tree. It's this tree with these berries.

When the birds eat them, they get high.

High? You mean like in, uh, dope?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're in big demand down in Florida because when the birds get high, they

sing more.

So people are buying up these trees, planting them in their backyards to get

the birds to sing more.

I got one up in the room. You guys want to check it out?

I got this guy as well to take two trips every month to Brazil to bring back a

whack of these trees on his boat.

Then we sell them for about 50 bucks a pop on the street.

Is this legal?

It's kind of a gray area right now.

And we're going to sell these berries on the street corners?

Yes! Yeah.

So, in other words, you're selling drugs to birds?

Not exactly.

Well... You said it gets them high, and it's not really legal, so that would

make you a bird drug dealer.

No, no, no, no, no. So do the little birds get hooked on this stuff?

What do you mean hooked?

They're birds.

You don't sell these drugs to young birds, do you? They're not drugs.

They're berries.

If you are, you know, you can leave the harder stuff, and the next thing you

know, you've got all these bird crack houses all over the place. Yeah, and

then we're having turf wars over whose corner's whose.

You know what? Forget it. You guys are assholes.

Hey, hey. Come on. I'll take a berry tree. Come on.

Sounds promising, Rick.

Look

at

that.

Nothing jiggles.

Do you remember when we used to look like that? No, the part that would let

me remember?

Jiggled and broke off.

I got a chance to talk to her last night. She's really nice.

Oh, well, I got a chance to run with her this morning. She knows how good she

looks. She's just trying to make us feel old.

Honey, we are older. I mean, we're not as old as her, but we're closer to her

than we are to Karen.

I don't know. I feel the same way I did in college.

Yeah, well, you are the exception. I think you look better now than you did

in college. You've lost a ton of weight since then. So the secret to weight loss

is having a thousand kids?

Yeah, either that or the sex. Sex really burns it off.

Oh, not the way I do it.

Sex doesn't burn calories.

Oh, sure it does. Well, I mean, you've got to move around, and you've got to do

it a lot.

Well, how often do you do it? Um, a couple times a day. More if Donnie comes

home at lunch.

Are you kidding?

Yeah. Sometimes, you know, when it's not collecting season, he gets behind me and

does this.

Well, we like sex. What?

You must have a lot of sex. I remember in school, you loved sex.

I was a slut.

I didn't mean that.

No, it is true. I was a slut, but not anymore. Sex isn't a part of my life

anymore. Oh,

I don't know. What are you girls talking about?

Sex? Pedicures. Mostly sex.

Love them both.

Ten.

We played ten holes and we're down 500 bucks.

What, are you going to have another one of your spaz attacks?

Don't worry about it. I'm not worried. I'd just like to win a few holes, that's

all. Okay, we'll start right here. We'll press.

Why? We can press, right?

Yeah, sure, if you want.

Press?

Yeah, press gives the losing team an opportunity to start a new bet from the

point of the press.

Kind of evens things out.

What happens to the original bet?

We win it all.

500 for the first 10 holes, another 500 for the game.

Sounds fair to me.

Let's double it from here. Come on, Ted. Let's not get carried away here. Come

on, Cam. It's under control. We win the next eight holes, we win 800 bucks, plus

a grand for the new game.

Money in the bank, pal.

Okay.

This is a par 3, 180 yards.

So, Rick, you don't get up this way much, huh?

No, I get back two or three times over the past couple years.

Oh, it's on.

Is it on?

Eight feet from the pin. Yes!

So why didn't you call any of us?

Well, you know, Donnie doesn't live here anymore.

I do. I'm only two hours away. I would have driven in.

Nice shot, Ted.

You're on the fringe.

I still get it.

Come back, you don't call.

It was weekend trips, Cam, and I'm just visiting some people. What people?

Who likes you besides us?

Ted's right.

And who else would put up with you other than the three of us and Suzanne?

Oh, so it must be Suzanne, right?

What's going on between you two? Nothing, nothing.

She called me after a divorce and I came up here to visit her a couple times.

It's no big deal.

Come on, who's up?

Cam, let's go.

Ooh. Yeah!

There you go.

Yeah.

All right, Donnie.

Three iron.

Okay.

All right, Donnie. This is where you catch fire, baby. Come on.

Fire?

No chance of you losing that one. Shit, I didn't even make it past the women's

team.

I don't know how you can play this game.

Golf sucks.

Oh, Donnie, we're in some trouble.

You dropped it. Get past the lady's tees. You know the rule.

What? What rule? You gotta play the rest of the hole with your little friend.

My little... You mean my... Gotta whip it out, Donnie.

My little friend? You mean my... You don't want us to get kicked off the

course, do you?

That's the rules, Donnie. You gotta hang the rat.

Hurry up, Donnie.

Come on, Donnie.

How y'all doing?

Good, good.

Y'all here for that reunion?

Yeah, class of 85.

My name's Tyler Taylor. I'm the course marshal here. My grandpapa owns the

course, so if y'all need anything, and I'm talking about anything, I'll be

around all day and all night.

So are you and Susan getting back together or not?

Not. Why?

Personal.

Oh, I get it. So your lousy lay, that's it, huh?

Yeah, he probably falls asleep right after.

Lawyer fell asleep very once.

See what?

Yeah. Dozed right off.

What'd you do?

Tried to be as quiet as I could.

You know, Donnie, we don't have to play your ball.

No, no, I'm good. I'm good. I'm starting to like this.

I can't even look.

Tell me when he's down.

He's down. Can somebody help me?

Ted, you do know that we're down $700 plus another $1,000 for the game.

Cam, get off my back, okay? Well, I can't afford to lose that much. What do

you mean you can't afford to lose that much? Well, with Lori out of work, I

have to be frugal.

Get the frugal out of my face, okay?

More left!

You finally screwed one up.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

That's got to be 260 yards.

Oh, my God.

Not bad, Ted.

Excuse me?

Not bad?

Yeah, not bad.

Oh, come on. That was a monster drive.

I said it was good. What do you want from me? No, no, no, no.

You said not bad.

All right, it was good. It was good.

One good shot at 18.

Okay, all right. Let's make this interesting.

Interesting? Yeah.

How interesting?

Let's say another 18.

What? Yeah, Cam will book the tee time. Give us a chance to win our money back.

I can't book another tee time. I mean, this is the only tee time left today.

All right, we'll play another 18 tomorrow.

I can't afford to lose another 4,000 bucks.

Cam, it's all right. We're not going to lose a cent.

Ooh, bravado.

I like it.

All right, Ted.

You're on.

Good. Donnie, we get to keep the same partners, right? Oh, yeah. Okay. Good.

We're on, then.

Well, is anyone gonna ask me?

Take it up with your partner. He issued the challenge.

What are you doing?

Cam, I've got my driver working now.

Between the two of us, we are gonna kick their asses.

I don't know.

You worry too much. You always have.

But that's not true. Yeah, it is.

Really? Really.

Well, that's not good.

I mean, too much worry is not good for you. It can lead to stress, which can

lead to high blood pressure, and then a heart attack.

Yeah, well, at least you got something legitimate to worry about.

Way to go, Ted.

You hit that bad shot on purpose, didn't you?

What makes you say that? Oh, come on. You're a hustler. You hit a bad shot and

let Ted think this was his chance to win some money.

Yeah, hustler's such a nasty word. I prefer opportunist. I can't believe you,

Rick.

You'd hustle your own friends like they were a couple of bumpkins?

When money's involved, there are no friends.

So you'd pull something like this just so you and I can win a couple of extra

bucks.

God!

You know what I would call someone who would do something like that?

What?

Partner.

I get the feeling that's not the first time they wore those clothes since 1985.

Wow, Donnie and Peg, you're really good dancers.

Yeah, vertical and horizontal.

Nicely put.

Look how much fun they're having.

Your suit fits so good.

Well, Rick, do you know how many of these parties I get invited to?

Karen's friends think it's retro.

I just bought this suit so I wouldn't smell like mothball.

So does that mean you can dance like Donnie? Well, yeah, I got a little move.

I call it the bottomless cup of love.

The usual, Mr. Renton.

Let's go get hats. Uh, I think I'm gonna work it.

Come on, Cam.

Show me some of those old school moves.

May I?

Laurie, welcome to my house.

Shot of bourbon?

Thanks.

Refill? You're a thirsty girl.

So Cam tells me you guys are doing pretty well.

You got what? One kid?

Ted, let's not have one of those awkward conversations that people have when

they're accidentally paired up with a spouse of a friend, okay?

I'm not Cam's wife here.

Think of me as just another drunk with a bum.

Got it.

So what's it like to be married to somebody so much younger?

Well, I think you should mind your own business, asshole.

What? Well, I'm not going to discuss my personal life with just another drunk at

the bar.

Ted, really, what's the sex really like, huh?

Well, it's much better now that we got rid of the braces.

Don't touch the hair.

Yeah.

That's him. That's that creepy course marshal.

Ted, has it ever occurred to you that you might have a drinking problem?

Yeah.

Honey.

You need to calm down.

All right, you're getting a little crazy. I haven't gone crazy for the last

20 years. A little bit crazy doesn't even come close to night camp. I am

finally having fun again.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

All right.

But I think you're freaking out our friends.

Believe me, they need to freak out a little bit, huh?

You too, huh?

Where are you going?

I'm going to the bathroom to splash some water on my face and see if I can't

slobber up a little bit.

Good idea.

Slobber up.

Lori.

It smells like mothballs.

Yeah, that's probably me.

Rick, I have a confession to make.

You're really a janitor?

No.

Of all the boys in college, you're the one I wanted to have sex with the most.

That sounds really tempting, Lori, but we really should be getting back. Oh,

but I am going back.

I'm going back right now.

I'm back in time.

To the good times.

Alright, what are you doing?

I'm trying to do you.

Oh, sorry. Hey, lies off.

Okay.

I'm not cleaning up after you guys.

Let's go.

Come on.

Where are you taking me?

Come on, honey. Let's go back inside.

Oh, come on, Cam.

Don't you want to make love to your wife?

I hear people can see us and...

You're not wearing any underwear.

No, I'm not.

All right.

You know, baby, I'm not a kid anymore.

I'm ready to take on responsibility for my actions.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I want to get married.

I want to have a family with you.

Tonight's about the past.

Let's enjoy it.

Leave the future to Nostradamus.

I have been waiting to do that a long, long time.

I know, baby.

What kind of balls are these?

I don't know. They were on sale.

They're fluorescent.

Yeah, well, the guy inside said they'd be easier to find in the woods.

Reputation procedure.

Lori was certainly having a good time last night. Oh, yeah.

She's been on this soy vegan diet, so last night was the first time she's had

a drink in ten years.

Did you get lucky?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they're easy pickings when they're drunk, huh? Yeah, you'd know all about

that, wouldn't you, Rick?

Hey, um, you guys remember when we were talking about the girls we wanted to

sleep with in school?

Well, um, I know I'm partial here, but I'm kind of surprised now you picked

Lori.

Cam, are you asking us if we wanted to sleep with your wife?

Yeah. I mean...

Lori was one of the best-looking girls on campus.

Oh, yeah, she was hot. She was great.

Yeah. Beautiful. So, why did none of you pick her?

Well, like Ted said, she's your wife.

Yeah, I mean, come on. We're not going to talk about a guy's wife like that.

Yeah, that's ridiculous.

All right, guys, come on. We're up. Let's play some golf, huh? Yeah, sure.

So, you did want to pick her, right?

Well, yeah, yeah. I mean, sure, yeah. Yeah.

I knew it.

You were just being polite.

Cam. Come on, get serious.

Lori? I mean, Lori was on everybody's list, right?

She was on mine. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, mine too.

Yeah.

Figured as much.

Come on, we were young, 18.

18 till we die.

Hey, let's sing.

Where the hell did that come from? You remember that song we did at the Red and

Gray Review in our last year.

No, I don't remember it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on, you do.

That song was the defining moment in our friendship.

Four guys who couldn't carry a tune in the back of a pickup truck standing on

that stage in front of 1,500 people.

That's the moment that bound us together for the rest of our lives, as far as I'm

concerned.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's sing it. You wanna? Yeah. Okay.

Wanna be young for the rest of my life. Never say no.

Try anything twice. Gonna be 18 till I die.

Gonna be 18 till I die.

Come on, you guys. This is embarrassing. Let's go.

Yeah, I'll drink to that. All right, it's long par 5.

Yeah! Finally, my partner has come alive.

It's these new balls. That was my problem. I was playing with old balls.

Yeah, you and Ted's new wife.

See?

Now, why can't I do that? I hate this game.

Yeah, we all hate this game, Donnie.

Isn't that right, guys?

Hate it. Loathe it. Then why do you play it?

Why?

Well, because every once in a while, you hit that shot.

That perfect shot that keeps us coming back.

Like that drive that starts out low and rises above the horizon.

When it finally lands in the center of the yawning fairway, it seems to pick up

speed.

As if God himself were pushing it towards the awaiting green.

Or maybe it's that chip shot.

It leaves the club face without barely a whisper.

And lands softly on the lush green nestling to within five feet of the cup.

A lazy old dog nestling up to his master.

Of course, there's my personal favorite, the birdie putt.

The tapping sound as putter meets ball. And that dimpled sphere winds its way

towards the hole, kissing the bottom of the cup with a sound every bit as sweet

as an angel's song.

These are the shots that keep us coming back week after week. Giddy as

schoolgirls. That's why we play this game, my friend.

Not because we want to, but because we must.

Oh,

the old worm burner.

Shit! So, uh, when are you gonna head back, Rick?

I'll probably stick around till Tuesday or Wednesday.

That long, huh? Yeah, I got some business to take care of while I'm in

town. Business?

Personal business?

Business business?

Personal. So, uh, what kind of personal business?

Look, Ted, if you're trying to break my concentration, I'm very cool under

pressure. That's right. They used to call him the Cucumber.

That's not why they call me that, Ken.

Why'd they call you the cucumber?

Oh.

Nice.

Oh,

my God. I killed the beer girls.

I'm coming.

I got you. I got you.

Damn, wait up.

No, no, wait up.

Get in.

Closer, closer.

Get your head down. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on, watch the trees.

Hang on, you guys.

Shit.

Closer. Yeah, come on. Sure.

Yes,

got it, got it.

Girls all right? You okay?

You all right?

Daddy, see if there's any ice in that thing. Just some popsicles.

All right, that'll do, that'll do.

Orange or strawberry?

Just give me the damn popsicle. Okay.

I, uh...

Uh, you fell out of a car. You bumped your head. You can put that on there. A

little bump, okay?

Thanks.

You guys want anything?

Uh... Yeah, I guess we'll have some beer, huh? A couple beers? Sure, sure.

Beer. What the hell's going on here, boss?

Who took my car?

It's these damn cars. You gotta get these things fixed or you're gonna get

someone killed. They're irresponsible.

Uh, wait, there was just a little...

Listen, I've got something that I know you'll love. You do?

How do I know you're telling the truth, my boy?

I wouldn't lie.

Cheers.

Oh, shit.

Sexy, Bernie. It's very sexy.

God, why would we have a reunion in November? I think I'm getting sick.

All golfers are sick, Bonnie.

You know, I think I'm going to try and get my Michael interested in medicine.

Or golf.

He could be a golfing doctor.

That's unique.

I mean, he's smart.

And he seems to have some natural ability in athletics.

I think he might be good at this. Is that all you can talk about?

What? Your family, your kids. That's all you've talked about since we got here.

Could you talk about something else, please?

What was all that about?

Come on, Donnie, the guy's shooting blanks. We're walking around with loaded

cannons.

You ought to know the truth, Donnie. I'm kind of envious of you.

Really? Yeah.

The way you talk about your life.

It's exactly what I want in my life. I just can't seem to get it.

Any chance of you and Suzanne getting back together?

Nah. Why not?

Yeah, she says I'm the kind of guy a woman doesn't want to marry.

You asked her to marry you?

Yeah, three or four times over the years.

She says she wants to have sex with me. That's it.

Hold on.

Did I hear that right?

Suzanne wants to have sex with you, but she doesn't want any commitment.

Yeah. Oh, no, I'm really depressed.

A woman wants you as a plaything?

You're a boy toy, man. That's a perfect situation.

Yeah, well, she was the only long-term relationship I ever had. I kind of hoped

for something more.

You know what I think?

I think you should cut her off.

Huh?

Cut her off.

Tell her, no more fooling around until she makes an honest man out of you.

Yeah?

Absolutely.

Right now, she's getting the steak for free, so why should she buy the bull?

Tell her that.

Donnie, that ain't gonna work.

Women aren't like men. They can get that T-bone steak any time they want.

Women just has to ask, and we oblige.

Now, a man, on the other hand, he has to prove himself worthy.

He has to woo, he has to charm, he has to impress, he has to sweet-talk, and

then maybe, if he's lucky, he gets a green light.

Women, they just say, you want it? And we're like, uh-huh. Yep, yep, yep. Yep,

yep, yep.

Am I right, Rick?

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

So you guys haven't seen Ted for some time. Does he seem different to you at

all? We all seem different. We're older.

No, seriously, does he seem more, I don't know, serene? Where are you going

with this? We recently converted to Buddhism.

Converted from what?

Well, from nothing, I guess.

Is there a ceremony for that?

Do Buddhists get baptized?

Yeah, it's soy milk. I just wanted to give him some focus, you know, a way to

find his center, a place to meditate.

So, are you going to have children?

Oh, we can't.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, it's no big deal. I'm going to be artificially inseminated.

Anyway, the last time I saw you, you were with John, and now you're with

Rick. What gives?

John left me.

No, no, it's okay. I mean, he had every right to leave me. I was pregnant with

somebody else's kid.

Katie is now seven, and Rick is the father.

No.

But he doesn't know this.

But you're back together.

Aren't you going to tell him? No.

Call me old-fashioned. I just believe the father of my daughter should be a

grown-up.

I'm starting to see what Ted sees in her.

Well, if she shows me that one more time, I'm going to kick it.

The numbness is working its way up my arm.

Do I look pale to you? Do I have any color on my cheeks?

Cam, I'm not gonna look at your cheeks. You want someone to look at your cheeks,

I'll call the course marshal.

No.

Not him.

My hand's shaking so much, I can't write.

Is that why you missed the last putt?

Hey, you missed it, too. Yeah, but I got us close in the first place.

Come on, Donnie, hurry up. It's getting dark out.

Oh, the old Bobbitt's wife.

The wicked slice. That's one broad I wouldn't want to fool around with. Yeah,

she's probably the only one.

What's this?

Picture it, Laurie.

It's nice.

Nice.

She, uh, she still looks good, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

Beautiful. Stunning.

Yeah, even better than the T-shirt.

So which one of you guys slept with her? What?

Laurie, my wife.

One of you guys slept with her.

Cam, what are you talking about?

When I asked you back in college which girl you wanted to sleep with but never

did, not one of you mentioned Laura's name. Yeah, and we told you the reason

why. I don't buy that.

I think the two of you know about the one who did sleep with her, so none of

you wanted to mention her name. Can we just play golf?

No. We are not playing one more shot.

Not one more hole of golf until I get a confession.

It was me. I knew it.

Rick, what's the matter? What? I want to play golf. I knew it was you. I knew it.

Okay. So can we play now?

It's really low, Rick.

Low. What? You weren't married to her. You weren't even dating back then. But

you could have said something.

I mean, I feel like a complete idiot.

Married for 16 years and not knowing a close friend had slept with my wife.

Hey, Cam. No, but you should have said something.

A real friend would have said something. I mean, Ted would have said something.

Wouldn't you, Ted?

Ted, you would have said something, right?

Um, no.

Oh, sure you would have. I mean, you're not like Rick.

You got scruples.

Well, I guess I don't, Cam, because I didn't say anything either.

What?

I slept with Lori.

You do?

Yeah.

Both of you? Well, not at the same time. Shut up!

This is unbelievable.

You mean to tell me that out of the three of you, Donnie's the only one who

hasn't slept with my wife?

Oh, God. Donnie, not you too.

Well, actually, Donnie slept with her first. Oh, God, this is unbelievable.

Even Donnie slept with her. What do you mean, even Donnie? Not now, Donnie.

Well, hey, I'm not a troll over here.

What kind of friends are you?

I mean, don't you see what this does?

It makes a complete sham out of 16 years of marriage.

You guys didn't even know each other.

After she met you, all other guys were history.

Right, guys?

What, Donnie? What is it?

You keep giving me these looks.

You got something to say, say it.

It's you, Rick.

I saw you coming out of the closet last night with Lori at the dance.

Wait a second.

Cam.

That looked a lot worse than it was. What are you talking about?

I saw Lori putting her panties back in her purse.

Hey, shit. Calm down, Cap. Calm down.

That's where her panties went?

Let me explain.

That's why you didn't call when you came back into town? You weren't visiting

Suzanne. You were banging my wife.

No wonder I haven't had sex in six years.

Six years?

Nothing happened, Cap.

She was hammered. You guys saw how hammered she was? I don't know, man. I

wasn't banging her.

That's because you were too drunk to bang anything. Screw you, Rick.

Oh, screw you.

And screw you and screw you.

I'll tie you with my... That's it, I'm out of here. Cameron!

Cam!

Cameron!

Fucking Donnie.

I think we all need three men in our lives. One to talk to, one to fix

things, and one for great sex.

And one to pick up the tab.

So where are the rest of them?

Cam?

Cam, what's wrong?

Just found out about your little trip to the closet.

What?

Last night.

You and Rick in the closet last night and in college and for the last six

years.

What are you talking about?

You and Rick have been screwing each other for the last six years.

Donnie, what's going on?

I saw Rick and Lori coming out of the utility closet together last night. And

you told Cam?

He suspected it.

You son of a bitch!

I knew I couldn't trust you.

Wait, wait. You will never be the father of my child.

It's a little too late for that, don't you think?

Stay out of this trophy.

I am not a trophy.

I need a drink, Suzanne.

Screw off, all of you!

Oh, Cam, wait. Rick, tell him we were in the closet together.

We were in the closet together, Laura. You dragged me in there.

What? Once a slut, always a slut.

But it was all very innocent. Nothing happened.

Get out!

Get off him! Oh, stop it, all of you!

All right.

Everyone just listen up here, all right?

Lori and I are not having an affair.

She got drunk and we ended up in the closet for like two seconds, but nothing

happened. Nothing happened, Cam.

It's not true.

It's true.

I came out of the bathroom. I saw everything. Nothing could have happened.

Not even Ted's that fast.

I honestly don't remember.

Yeah, well, you remember the last 20 years, don't you?

Yeah. Do we have sex at any time then?

Oh, God, no.

We didn't even have sex in college when everyone else had sex with you. Oh,

Donnie didn't have sex with Lori in college.

Donnie?

Was freshman year.

Just one time.

It was one night, four times.

Oh, God!

I just said what I said to get on with the golf game.

I now realize that that was a slight miscalculation on my part.

Yeah, just a little bit.

Look, we all have issues.

Cam's wife, who used to be the most popular girl in school, is now frigid.

Ted is a sterile drunk, married to a 20-something.

And Suzanne won't marry me, even though she's raising my daughter.

You know.

Your mom told me years ago.

But I didn't want that to be the reason we got married.

I just hoped at some stage...

He would accept that I've changed.

I love you, Suzanne.

I always have.

Donny and I don't have issues. We work everything out several times a day.

And that makes you two the luckiest freaks of nature I know. And I mean that

from the bottom of my heart.

Listen, I'm... I'm sorry about all this.

Forget it, Donny.

Look, we can't all stop being friends because we're all so screwed up.

Because that is exactly why we need each other so badly.

Yeah, you're right, Rick.

I'm sorry.

I do need you guys.

I guess that's why I wanted this reunion so bad.

I just wanted to return to a happier time.

Me too.

There's no happier time.

There's just now and what we do from here on out.

Well, honey, that's very zen.

Thank you.

I just realized now what a bunch of losers we all are.

Sorry, Ted. Not all of us. Just you and Cam. What? Yeah.

What? You quit the game.

No, no, no. I didn't quit. Cam quit. Yeah, well, that was before we cleared

the air here.

Let's finish this.

Cam, what do you say?

Kick their monkey asses or what?

Yeah, let's kick some ass.

Hey, Rick.

You handled that really well.

Yeah? Yeah.

I'm proud of you. I think you have changed.

I have, baby.

So you want to get married, huh?

Yeah, I do.

I'd like that.

So would Katie.

Baby, this won't take long.

I'll be right back.

What? You're just going to go play your game now?

It's not just a game, baby.

It's golf.

All right, boys.

Let's go. Well, I know. Come on.

This old slut's got a drink with your name on it.

We just had this big heartfelt talk, and then they leave?

Is this normal?

Honey, it's golf.

Oh, my God.

We're desperate golf wives.

Desperate golf wives.

Eric, check this out.

Regular ball, right? Yeah.

It's nice.

I got enough for everybody, too. Cool.

Listen, that's not why I called you over.

I had my head up my ass. Well, you know, Donnie, you do deserve a smack. I know.

Forget about it. I love you.

Get your game face on. There's a lot on the table right now. All right.

Be the ball, Bernie, boy.

Cold Friday.

Oh, boy, that is an ugly lie, Ted.

Oh, God.

You know what?

Since I like you guys and I feel sorry for you, I'm gonna give you a chance to

break even. How about double or nothing?

Well, I'd take that, Rick, if I wasn't in the trap.

Well, you can play my ball.

I'll play this one right here.

You serious?

Yeah.

This ball here.

I'll play that ball.

Cam?

Okay, I'll tell you what.

Double or nothing, but first ball in takes it all. First ball in?

Okay, Ted, first ball in.

Ted, why don't you go ahead and hit first?

I gotta think about this one for a little bit.

Yeah! Oh, Teddy boy, yeah!

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Bite, baby, bite.

Yes. All right, Rick. Nice shot. Thanks for noticing.

High five for myself.

I'm sorry.

High five.

Too late.

All right, Cam.

Here's your last chance at glory.

Come on, Cam. Done it before.

Y'all playing some night golf, huh?

Normally, we don't allow night golf, but since you're my special little friend,

I'll let it slide.

Who's got the glowing balls?

Oh, that's me.

Mm, that means it'd be real easy to spot a night coming to force. You lost in the

force, it'd be easy to find out a little false ball.

Hey, hey.

Wait, what's that smell?

Ah, it's just victory.

Yeah, easy for you to say, Mr. Six Figures. Oh, and I suppose the region's

number one television station pays you minimum wage.

No.

As a matter of fact, they don't, Ted.

As a matter of fact, they're not paying me anything at all.

I got fired two weeks ago.

What did you say? You got fired?

Yeah. What?

Why?

My sales team missed its quota two months in a row, so somebody had to take

the fall.

What are you saying? After 14 years, they let you go just like that? Yeah,

Ted, it's a cutthroat business.

You don't produce, you don't stay in it. Why don't you tell us? Same reason I

didn't tell Lori.

I didn't have the balls.

I'm gonna have to tell her something, because yesterday was payday, and she's

gonna notice I didn't make a mortgage payment.

Geez, Cam, I'm sorry.

Yeah, Cam, I mean, if we lose, I'll pay the back. Don't embarrass me by

offering, okay, Ted?

Cam, you all right?

Yeah, I'm okay.

You really got fired, Cameron?

Yeah, I really got fired.

Can we just get on with this?

Go ahead.

It's gonna go. It's going.

Shit.

Whose side are you on?

I'm not sure anymore.

Don't bother marking it.

I'm straight in.

Well, there's been some match, huh, guys?

It's like clubbing baby seals.

Rick, have I ever told you you're an asshole?

Yes, Ted, you have.

I told you, baby!

Yeah!

Yeah!

You surprised me, right?

Yes. What was that?

What was that you said earlier? When money's involved, there are no friends?

You're the man. So?

You missed that putt on purpose, didn't you?

What are you talking about? Oh, come on!

It was a four-foot putt for the win, and you missed it. Donnie, pros miss short

putts all the time.

No, no, no, come on.

You saw a friend, Cam, in trouble, and you went soft.

Come here, give me a hug.

All right, you're gonna get a wedgie in about two seconds.

So what are you guys doing? Having a little dry-up? I'm just consoling my

friend over here. He doesn't take losing very well.

Oh, I know that.

Well, boys, I think I got about six years of catching up to do with Lori,

so, um... Thanks for the game, huh? No, Kim, stick around, baby.

The least you guys can do is buy us a drink. Yeah, well, I'd love to, but I

gotta hit it early in the morning, and I got a ton of paperwork to do before

Monday. Monday? What's Monday?

Oh, I got a sales meeting every Monday morning.

Well, you said... What, Rick?

Haven't got a poker face?

You out-schemed the schemer, baby!

Embrace it and weep. Oh, I'm weeping.

And I do appreciate you missing that putt.

Cameron!

Hey, but wait, Cam, that...

The stuff you said before about needing us and missing us, I mean, that wasn't

crap, was it? No, I miss you guys.

But it's like you said, we moved on. We got different lives, different friends.

But here's the thing about old friends.

I've learned that I... Kim.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Kim. You all right, buddy?

I wanna... I wanna... I wanna be young.

The rest of my life. You asshole.

Never say no.

Try a thing twice.

Till the angels come.

And ask me to fly.

Gonna be 18.

Until I die.

18 till I die.

Kill me forever.

This wish for thinking.

Who ever said that?

Who's been drinking?

You wanna go up?

I don't see why.

I couldn't care less if time flies by.

I didn't know there was a floor show.

Wasn't in the show.

Gonna be 18 till I die.

Sure feels good to be alive.

So there'll be 18 going on 55.

18 till I die.

Think about the future.

Think about the past.

Gonna have them all, yeah.

Gonna have my best.

Gonna make it last.

18 till I die.

Gonna be 18 till I die.

Get your body on the floor

i really feel like dancing i got you on my

mind we'll do some fun