Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

You know, I really don't think that's what I'm looking for.

Well, what about this?

Okay. Heh.

Thank you.

Yeah, I think this would be more in line with what--

What I had in mind.

You know, something kind of casual and subdued.

I'll take this.

Shall I charge it? Please, yes.

Looks wonderful on you, master. Oh, you like it?

It is just the thing for Hollywood.

You don't think it's tight at the shoulders?

Oh, no, master. It is just perfect.

What are you doing in my reflection?

Please take me with you.

I've only been to Hollywood once.

Yeah, once is enough.

Listen, I'm going on Air Force business.

Besides, Dr. Bellows will be sharing a room with me.

I'll only be gone a week.

Oh, but it will seem like a century, master.

Oh, I will miss you so.

Get out. Oh, no.

Major Nelson?

Major Nelson. Yeah?

Isn't that carrying personal vanity a little too far?

Just straightening out my tie, sir.

Ah, yes. Well, uh, we'd better be moving along.

Our plane leaves in an hour. Yes, sir.

Goodbye.

What'd you say? Nothing. Nothing.

Just getting ready. Thank you. Can I wrap it for you?

No, no. Just charge it. I'll-- Thank you.

Gary, did you see that?

I sure did, Mr. Schlatter.

That's the most incredible piece of magic I've ever seen.

Say, aren't you Gary Owens of the Laugh-In show?

Well, yes, I am. And this is George Schlatter, our producer.

WOMAN: Oh, really?

Oh, sock it to me. Sock it to me. Sock it to me.

Very good, miss. Cute, cute.

Could you excuse us, just--? Oh, yeah.

Gary, listen, we've got to get that girl

in the mirror for Laugh-In.

She's a gas. Yes, she is.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Listen, I've got a meeting back in the office in 15 minutes.

I want you to wait here and sign that girl for the show.

Well, all right, Mr. Schlatter. I'll do my best.

Gary? Uh, yes?

Why isn't your finger in your ear?

Oh, uh, yes.

Okay, Mr. Schlatter. I'll try to get her.

For the show.

Yes, yes. Uh, miss, excuse me.

Oh, no, excuse me.

I was standing in your reflection.

Oh, that's-- That's quite all right.

By the way, how would you like to appear

on the Rowan & Martin Laugh-In?

Oh, well, thank you very much.

But I do not think I could appear on television.

My master would not like it.

Did you say, "your master"?

Yes. Oh, Major Healey.

Hi, Jeannie. Did Tony leave yet? I wanted to say goodbye to him.

Hey, wait a minute.

Aren't you Gary Owens of the Laugh-In show,

with the thing with the ear?

Uh, yes, yes. Yes, that's right.

Uh, and you, uh, must be, uh, the girl's master.

Is that right?

No, uh, we're-- We're just good friends.

Oh, I see. Uh, we'd like to use her

on our Laugh-In television show.

You want to do a sp--

Well, actually, I'm her agent.

Her agent? In, uh, that uniform?

Well, I-- I moonlight as an astronaut.

Actually, show business is my first love.

Why don't we talk about billing and money and details like that?

Major Healey, I cannot appear on a--

Don't make him think you're anxious.

Actually, uh, she gets top billing.

We want a fabulous publicity campaign.

"Roger Healey presents

Jeannie under the personal management of Roger Healey."

No, it's too long. The name's too long. We gotta change it.

Uh, Jeannie is too long?

No, Roger Healey's too long. We'll change Jeannie too.

Oh, I see. Well...

Major, we'll work these details out in our West Coast office.

I-I've got to go. Jeannie,

before I leave, one question.

How in the world did you do it?

Oh, you mean, stepping through the mirror?

Yes. Oh, it is very simple.

I just cross my arms-- Well, actually-- Actually,

it's a-- It's a phony mirror.

Incredible.

We better get outta here.

That's incredible.

[♪♪♪]

Uh, is this the Los Angeles Times?

I would like to speak to the entertainment editor. Mm-hm.

Uh, is this the entertainment editor?

Uh, this is Roger Healey, the Hollywood agent.

Heh. That's right. I got a little scoop for you.

You wanna take this down?

Princess Armena is going to star in the next Laugh-In show.

You don't know who she is? You don't know who I am?

You don't know who either one of us are?

Where have you been?

She's the biggest thing in Baghdad.

She's the hottest thing since Aladdin and his magic lamp.

That's right, Armena.

Be sure you get that spelled right.

That's H-E-A-L-E-Y. Right. Nice talking to ya.

[HUMMING]

Okay, Jeannie, you can come out now.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, sweetie, let's go.

I have been trying to tell you, Major Healey,

I am not going to Hollywood. You're not going to Hollywood?

You're kid-- I discovered you.

I made you a princess. You can't do that.

Think of it: stardom, rich, money, money, rich, stardom.

This is my big chance. I mean this is your big chance.

But I do not wish to be a star, Major Healey.

I only wish to be with my master.

Well, there you are.

Tony's in Hollywood. You could be with him.

But I already asked him to take me, and he said that--

That he would have no time for me.

Well, that's, uh, because he takes you for granted.

I mean, if you were a big star with Hollywood at your feet,

he would sit up and take notice. Do you really think so?

Absolutely. Do you want to be a--?

Do you want to be a big star and have Tony proud of you?

Well, I-- Or do you want Tony to be alone

in Hollywood with beautiful starlets

who are crazy about astronauts?

When do we leave? Now.

I already made the deal with Laugh-In.

[♪♪♪]

Yeah? Major Anthony Nelson?

Yeah, that's right.

I'm Doug Reynolds, Hollywood Chronicle.

Oh, yeah. Well, how'd you know I was here?

Oh, it was in the NASA press release.

See, I'm covering the arrival of Princess Armena.

While waiting for her, I thought I'd ask you a few questions

about your speaking tour. Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry, but, uh, all aspects

of Major Nelson's visit were covered in the release.

No personal interviews. Yeah, but--

I'm sorry, but those are our orders.

Major Nelson. Yes. Excuse me.

But just a few questions.

Sheesh.

[♪♪♪]

Now, major, I've marked it all down in this little book.

The first place we're going to see is Hollywood and Vine,

uh, Grauman's Chinese, then Disneyland.

Sir, you go without me.

I'm not much of a hand at sightseeing.

I have a report to do. Major, major,

that must be the princess that reporter talked about.

Oh? MAN: Tell me, princess,

how long you figure on staying in Hollywood?

I'll answer the questions.

That's Roger, R-O-G-E-R, Healey, Healey.

Excuse me. Uh, no more, no more, gentlemen.

All right, one more picture. One more picture.

Get the two of us together. How's this? You got that?

Get the picture? All right, that's it.

We'll have a press conference in my office a little later.

We'll go up to the hotel room right here.

Perhaps I can take a picture. Amanda will be thrilled.

Put that down. I only want a picture. I can't see her.

Sir, you gave orders not to be conspicuous.

That's strange.

That fellow there, he looks exactly like--

Shall we go sightseeing?

Well, I thought you weren't interested.

Tell me something, princess--

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

And maybe-- Maybe to Grauman's Chinese. What do you say?

Oh, sir. BELLOWS: Wait a minute!

[♪♪♪]

TONY: Uh, Roger Healey, please. Yes.

[TONY CLEARS THROAT]

Hello, Roger? Roger?

Roger, what are you and Jeannie doing in Hollywood?

Can't talk to you now, T.N.,

I'm in the middle of a press conference.

Uh, who's T.N.?

And what is the press conference all about?

T.N., big-time producer.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Look, I know how badly you want her,

but I-- I couldn't let her go for less than a mil.

But I'll keep you in mind. Okay.

Nice talking to you. Roger?

Roger?!

Smile, major. Cheese.

Uh, no more calls, doll.

Didn't I tell you?

When the princess makes her American television debut,

we'll have to beat 'em off with clubs.

Didn't I tell you guys? Oh. Heh.

[♪♪♪]

Are you going over that speech of yours, major?

Yes, sir. I'm just taking a look at the notes.

Oh, give my very best to Mrs. Bellows, would you, please?

Oh, thank you, major. That's very thoughtful of you.

Good heavens, major, what are you doing?!

I'm just checking the light, sir.

It, uh-- It's plugged in now.

Well...

Yeah, aren't you going in the wrong direction, major?

The Princess Armena's in there. Oh, yeah?

Well, that's 606.

I thought it was 604. They look so much alike.

[CHUCKLING] Yeah.

[MUTTERING]

ROGER: Who is it? Uh, bellboy. Telegram.

Thanks. Huh?

Roger! Roger.

Hi.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Yeah, no tip, huh, major?

[WHISPERS] Jeannie?

Jeannie?

Major Nelson. What are you doing?

[SCREAMS] Major Nelson!

Hey.

Practicing space flight, major?

[♪♪♪]

Master?

Master, I must talk with you.

[GROANS]

Oh...

Master, it is I, Jeannie.

Major Healey told me not to talk to you,

but I miss you so much.

I could not wait.

BELLOWS: Amanda. Amanda.

Oh, dear.

Amanda, your hand is as soft

as lily of the valley.

Jeannie.

Go back to sleep, Albert.

Alfred.

Alfred. Yes.

Huh? Shh.

[BOTH WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

We should be quiet. Just be calm.

[♪♪♪]

Okay.

Master.

Master. Jeannie.

[SCREAMS] Shh.

Oh, master, I have been so lonely without you.

You told me you would only be gone a week

and you have been gone a long-- One day. One day.

I don't know what you're doing here,

but I want you back in Cocoa Beach.

MAN: Hold it! [CAMERA CLICKS]

What a story:

"Astronaut and the Princess Armena in Midnight Tête-à-Tête."

TONY: This is not what you think, not at all.

Major Nelson.

[TONY CLEARS THROAT]

Yes, sir? What's going on here?

You told me he fell out of the window

trying to fix the window shade, huh?

Yeah, he's been trying to get in her room all day.

Oh, thank you, folks.

This'll make a whale of a story, I promise you.

Major Nelson, come back to this room immediately.

Yes.

Master, what shall I do?

You stay in your room. I'll see you in the morning.

Major Nelson. But, mas--

BELLOWS: Major, I'm astounded, utterly astounded.

After I told you

we had express orders to avoid undue publicity,

you get involved with a--

Sleepwalking?

Major, this is absurd, absolutely absurd.

Are you trying to tell me that you were walking in your sleep

when you just accidentally

happened to bump into the Princess Armena?

Oh, major, wake up. Wake up.

Oh, I don't believe this for an instant.

This is remarkable. [SNORING]

TONY: Sorry. It's okay.

Excuse me.

Hey, you're Major Nelson.

Yeah. You're Judy Carne. Right.

From the Laugh-In. Yeah.

How about that? And you're the astronaut.

Well, how'd you know that?

Oh, you're putting me on. I've seen the morning paper.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, let me see.

It's really romantic. Yeah.

Well, there was a little misunderstanding last night.

I-I was walking in my sleep, and this idiot photographer

came out, had to snap-- Sure, major. Sure.

You know, sock it to me.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, boy. Heh.

You know Major Healey?

You mean, Princess Armena's manager?

Oh, sure. He's gonna let her appear on the Laugh-In.

ROGER: The beds have already been made up.

I know who you are.

Do you know who I am, Roge? Huh? You know me?

You're Judy Carne. Hi.

What's with him?

Space fatigue. Hm.

Would you like to sit down? Yeah.

[SIGHS]

Princess? Oh, master.

Oh, master, I'm so glad you came.

I did not get a chance to tell you.

I am going to be a TV star.

You're gonna be en route to Cocoa Beach.

Oh, but wait.

Master, I am not a TV star yet.

[SCOFFS]

Well, you know how these mad,

passionate love affairs are.

No. How are they?

Well, they can't be separated for a moment.

Hm.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Looks like they can't bear to be together for a moment.

Yeah, well, as I said before, space fatigue.

Sure.

I'm sorry, Jeannie, but your show business career

is over as of now. [PHONE RINGING]

BELLOWS: Are you there, major? Yes, sir. I'll get it.

Hello?

[CHUCKLING] Oh, hello, Roger.

Well, where is she?

The princess has retired to her bottle.

Tony, you can't do this to me.

This is my one chance to be rich and famous.

Yeah, well, good luck.

Wait a minute. You don't understand.

I signed a contract.

If she doesn't appear, they'll sue me.

This is my-- I'll be washed up in Hollywood.

If she does appear, I'll be washed up--

Who is it, major? Maid service, sir.

They wanna know when to make up the room.

Hm. This is very interesting.

What's in it? Uh, after-shave lotion.

I picked it up at the drugstore downstairs.

Good. Do you mind if I try? I'm about to shower and shave.

Well, I'd kind of rather-- Rather you didn't.

Well, tell the maid to make up the room in 10 minutes.

Yes. Uh, make up the room in 10 minutes.

Dr. Bellows, sir. Doctor?

Doctor-- [WATER RUNNING, BELLOWS SINGING]

Don't-- Don't use that after-shave lotion, sir.

Dr. Bellows?

Oh.

TONY: Dr. Bellows?

Dr. Bellows? Sir? Uh...

I'd rather that you-- Tony, Tony, I'm on my knees.

You've got to let Jeannie appear on that show.

I'll be washed up in show business.

This is my only chance to be-- Roger, Roger, Roger, shut up.

All right. All right?

If you can get her out of the bathroom, she's yours.

She's mine? Oh, I knew you wouldn't let me down.

You're a friend. Stop it.

[BELLOWS CONTINUES SINGING]

Who's that?

That's Dr. Bellows.

Dr. Bellows is in the bathroom?

With Jeannie.

Dr. Bellows is in the bathroom with Jeannie?

He thinks she's a bottle of after-shave lotion.

Oh, I need a drink.

Oh, do I need a drink.

Oh, I'm sorry-- Roger.

[BELLOWS SINGING]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, master, let me out.

[WATER STOPS RUNNING]

He's finished showering. He's gonna shave.

Look, Tony, we've been together a long time,

and I want to tell you one thing:

that when he opens up that bottle--

I know. You're gonna be standing right beside me.

Wrong. I am going to be on a plane

halfway to Cocoa Beach.

All right, if you're gonna go, go.

I got enough troubles without you hanging around

and confusing the issue.

I don't know where they went.

I believe you. I haven't seen anybody.

Hey, that's him. That's her manager.

[YELLING]

What's holding you up? We're double-parked.

Art-- Arte Johnson. You're Arte Johnson.

Yeah. Arte Johnson.

Yes. That's Arte Johnson.

That's Arte Johnson, yes.

Arte Johnson and Judy Carne.

Uh, yes. Uh, major, this is Arte Johnson.

Major Nelson, you know Judy Carne, of course.

Hi. Uh, major, we realize

that you and the princess are a hot item,

but we have no time.

We've gotta be there in half an hour.

You mean, the princess was over here?

In the major's room?

[IN GERMAN ACCENT] Very interesting.

Where is she? Oh, she's in freshening up.

Something probably happened.

BELLOWS: I'm almost finished, major.

I'll say something happened.

Well, there goes the electric razor.

Armena shaves?

Why not? She has a face.

Uh, Dr. Bellows?

[RAZOR BUZZING]

[COUGHS]

Why don't the three of you go over to the studio,

I'll bring her along later?

And miss her entrance?

I wouldn't miss that for the world.

BELLOWS: Major Nelson, what's the meaning of this?!

[COUGHING]

Major Nelson, you call this after-shave lotion?

I don't know, sir. What do you call it?

BELLOWS: Oh, it smells like skunk.

Must be something wrong in the factory.

Air. Air! I must have a breath of air.

When I get you back to--

[YELLS]

Oh, oh.

[YELLING]

BELLOWS: Major, what on earth are you doing?!

Huh?

Major, what happened?

You really socked it to him.

Yeah. Major, who are these people?

Oh, I-I-- Are you registered in the hotel?

You're in the wrong room. I'm Dr. Bellows.

Great heavens! I'm not dressed.

I thought we did far-out things

on Laugh-In, but this is too much.

Hey, where's the princess?

We're gonna be late for the show.

Well, I have it on very good authority

that she's not gonna do the show.

GARY: Not gonna do the show? JUDY: She has to do the show.

ARTE: Her agent signed a contract.

Yeah, I know. But she told me

that she's retiring from show business.

Well, she's making a comeback.

Roger! Roger!

Roger! Roger!

[♪♪♪]

ALL: Confusing.

[IN GERMAN ACCENT] But very interesting.

[YELLS]

Roger!

Come back here, Roger!

[YELLS]

[♪♪♪]