Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

TONY: Yes, sir.

Right, sir. Well, I've got that taken care of, sir.

Yeah, well, uh, Major Healey ought to be here any minute.

He called before he left.

Huh?

Oh, yeah. Well, that's the--

[YELLS]

Uh, that's the, uh, vacuum cleaner, sir.

Yes, uh, my housekeeper's just kind of straightening things up.

Housekeeper?

Uh, major, I thought you realized

that for the duration of this test

you and Major Healey are to have no outside help.

Well, the idea is to see whether you two

are compatible as a team together

in close quarters, completely on your own.

Amanda, please.

Yeah, well, she's leaving, sir, just as soon as she finishes.

Well, I've given her the week off.

All right, major.

Just remember: whether you and Healey

ever get to the moon together

depends in part on how you get along this week.

Uh, good luck.

Right, sir. Don't worry about a thing.

Amanda, would you mind telling me

why you find it necessary to clean over here

when I'm in the middle of an important phone call?

Because, darling, we don't have a housekeeper.

Oh, but, master, you have never had a roommate before.

You are used to doing things your own way.

And so is Major Healey. Yeah.

You will quarrel. You will fight.

Now, don't be ridiculous. A terrible fight.

If two grown men can't live in a house together alone for a we--

Look, I've got everything set up.

I've got a rollaway in the bedroom,

I've emptied two drawers and half a closet

and I've-- I've typed up a schedule

of cooking assignments and household chores.

The whole thing is order and discipline, see?

It will never work without me.

It would be so much easier if you would let me do it.

Jeannie, there's nothing to be done.

Everything's fine.

Now you go visit your relatives, and have a good time.

I'll miss ya.

Yes, master, you will.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHING] Hey, Roge.

Good morning, roommate.

Boy, is this going to be an easy assignment.

Yeah, piece of cake.

Let me get you moved in. Yeah.

Okay, kids.

Bring it in.

Hi.

[♪♪♪]

How do you like my moving ladies?

Roger, you're moving in for a week, not a year.

I know. That's why I decided to travel light.

Oh! Be careful of my jigsaw puzzle

of the Battle of Gettysburg.

Ah!

Nice kids.

And a lot cheaper than a moving company.

TONY: Roger, look, what is all this stuff?

Uh, uh, uh, tennis racquets and ski poles,

footballs, puzzles, all kinds of--

What did you bring all this junk for?

Well, I thought I might get bored.

Bored?

Look, we're not rooming together for a whole week

to keep you entertained.

This is a test-- And a very important test, I might add.

--To see if we can get along.

I know, Tony, ahem,

and right now you're flunking it.

I'm flunking it? And what about you?

Look at all this...

Yeah, Roge, you're right.

If people are gonna live together, they gotta compromise.

They gotta make allowances, right?

Why don't you, uh, well, move all this stuff

into the other room, and we'll just forget about it, huh?

Hey, where's my Pickett's beard?

What?

Pickett's beard, it's part of my jigsaw puzzle.

It was shaped like a horseshoe. It goes right here.

Oh! Wait, wait. What are you gonna do?

You can do the Battle of Gettysburg at another time.

Right now I'm gonna get organized.

I worked for two weeks on that, now hold it--

Stop! Whoo!

[♪♪♪]

Roger.

Is this yours?

You-- You broke my puzzle.

Monday night: Tony does dishes, Roger cooks.

Tuesday night: Tony cleans up.

Why do we have to have a schedule?

Why--? Why can't we just play it by ear?

Roger, I had a roommate in college,

and we found out that

everything worked out a lot better

when we had a specific schedule of assignments.

Okay. You're doing the cooking, I'll-- I'll do the dishes.

That's right. And, uh, tomorrow, you do the cooking

and I do the dishes, right?

Mm-hm.

I got it all down here on black and white, see?

So that way, there'll be no arguments.

What are you making, anyway?

Well, it's, uh, kind of a specialty of mine. I...

hope you like it.

Oh, I'm not a fussy eater.

I mean, there's only one thing I can't stand.

And it's...

tuna casserole.

That's the one thing I...

[♪♪♪]

Mm-mm.

[CHEWING NOISILY]

[CHEWING NOISILY]

[HUMMING A TUNE]

Say, Roge. Yeah.

Why--? Why don't you go in the kitchen and do the dishes?

I'm sorry. What did you say?

Why don't you go in the kitchen and do the dishes?

You see, it's, uh, your turn.

Fine. You make a lousy casserole I can't even eat,

and I gotta clean it up.

Well, a schedule's a schedule, you know.

All right, I'll go and clean up the kitchen,

but you've gotta get lost later.

Get lost?

I've got a girl coming later and we'd like to be alone.

Well, Roger, I've got a lot of work--

Hey, it's my house.

And this is the porch light schedule right here.

Porch light schedule? Mm-hm.

When the light is on, you stay away,

and when the light is off, well, you can come in.

It's a little system that college roommate and I

had worked out. Mm-hm.

Monday night, Roger. Tuesday night, Tony.

I don't have anybody coming in on Tuesday night.

Maybe you can work that out when you're out of the house.

Roger! Ah! A schedule's a schedule.

[♪♪♪]

Set 'em up again, Joe.

JOE: I, uh, think you've had enough, Major Nelson.

Again, Joe, and make it a double.

You keep this up, uh, you're gonna have to go on a diet.

That's the least of my problems.

You--? You dial that number again?

Yeah, I did, and it's still busy.

MAN: Oh, yeah! That's it.

Not only am I evicted from my own house,

but my phone bills are being run into the millions.

I know how it is.

My dad's always griping at my mom

for using the phone too much.

Roger...

you've had it.

Roger?

[SCOFFS]

Sheesh!

The older generation's really fouled up.

[♪♪♪]

[WHISPERING] Roger?

Roger.

I-I don't mean to disturb you, but I gotta get some sleep.

Roge?

[CRASHING]

[CLATTERING]

[CRUNCHING]

Roge?

[GARGLING]

Oh!

Will you take it easy? I got in here first.

Shh. Where's Rosa?

Oh, she left hours ago.

We finished our rigging.

Huh?

We finished our rigging the boat.

Well, then why is the front porch light still on?

I always leave it on. It keeps away burglars.

[LAUGHING] It keeps away burglars?

W-What about the signal? Your schedule?

Oh, that. Oh, is that why--? Is that why you didn't come in?

Yeah! Oh, I'm sorry. My fault.

Just-- Just a little mistake. I'll take the boat.

Night-night.

I can't believe it.

He keeps me wandering around out there for five hours

while he's got the porch light on.

And meanwhile, burglars...

[MUFFLED MUMBLING]

[YELLS]

Not mad, are you?

I gotta hand it to you, Roger. This meal has been fantastic.

Thank you. I just wanted to make up for that

little misunderstanding we had the other night.

Well-- Well, you sure did.

You put my tuna fish casserole to shame.

And just to let you know I stick to my bargain,

the house is yours tonight.

Oh. Well, I'm not gonna be doing anything.

I'm just gonna do the dishes and watch a little TV.

You don't have to go anyplace.

No, no, no. A schedule's a schedule.

Anyway, I've got a date tonight.

Ah, okay. Well, have fun.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

[MUSIC PLAYING ON CLOCK RADIO]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Mine's broken.

Hi, Joe. Is my usual ready?

Coming right up, Dr. Bellows.

Say, uh, you just missed Major Nelson.

Major Nelson, in here?

And boy, has he got problems.

Uh, with his roommate.

They, uh, don't get along.

Oh, I see. Thanks for telling me, Joe.

Thanks very much.

[♪♪♪]

[GASPS]

Oh!

Why, this is terrible.

I knew my master could not do without me.

[SIGHS]

Ah. There.

Well, now at least the house is clean.

I bet he's not been eating properly, either.

[GASPS]

Yuck.

[QUIETLY] Well.

[TSKS]

There.

Now at least they will be more comfortable in a clean house.

Oh, but what good is it?

They will just get it filthy again.

JEANNIE [VOICE OVER]: My master should not have to think about

silly little things like cleaning the house

and fixing meals.

He will find it much easier to be compatible with Major Healey

if I fix the house.

[LAUGHS]

[MAGIC BOINGS]

There.

Now the house is fully automatic.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

Still asleep at 10:30?

Ten-thirty. Ten-thirty?

Oh, yes. My-- My alarm clock's broken.

May I come in, major?

There are a few things I'd like to discuss

with you and Major Healey.

I-I don't think now is-- The place is a pigsty, sir.

I rather you-- What are you talking about?

This room is immaculate.

I could have sworn it was an absolute--

Oh, stop mumbling, major.

There's something important I'd like to talk to you about.

I hear that you and Major Healey are not getting along together.

Oh, s-- Really?

Where did you get that information, sir?

We're... getting along fine.

Hm. That's not what my informant tells me.

Hm.

And I have decided, from now on, to, uh, split you as a team.

Sir, you can't split us--

Unless I see by your behavior within the next 24 hours

that you're completely compatible.

Oh, compatible? We're always compatible--

Oh! Good morning, Tony.

Boy, I wish I had a cup of coffee.

Oh, good morning, Dr. Bellows.

Ah, good morning, major.

[YELLS]

Boy, well, that's service for you.

What's the matter with you, Major Nelson?

Well, he always gets clumsy before his morning coffee.

Where'd that coffee come from? Yeah.

Where did that coffee cup come from?

[♪♪♪]

Major Nelson, did you see that?

That coffee cup just appeared in Major Healey's hand.

Oh, no, no, no, sir. He had it when he came in.

He drinks coffee in bed.

No, I don't. I just said I wish I--

Ooh.

Uh, yes, uh-- This is last night's coffee, sir.

He's very neat. He was taking it to the kitchen.

If it's last night's coffee, why is it steaming?

Steaming? No, it's not steaming. It's ice cold, sir. See?

[STIFLES YELL]

I-- Ice cold.

Major. Give me that, hm?

Oh. Augh!

[MOANING]

Major. Ah! Oh!

I'm sorry. It's ice cold. See, I said it was ice cold.

Then why is he leaping around as if he's got a hotfoot?

Well, ice cold coffee, sir, first thing in the morning.

You'd leap around too. Tony.

Hm? Why did you do that?

Uh, it was an accident, Roge. I'm terribly sorry.

No, it wasn't. You deliberately spilled--

Well, I see it's unnecessary for me to stay with you

as I had planned.

Obviously, you both cannot work together.

[STAMMERING]

[WHISPERING] Roge, he's gonna split us up.

Yeah, he can't do that. We're buddies, you know?

It doesn't look like that to him.

[LAUGHING] Hi.

As of tomorrow, you will both find a new partner.

Oh, Dr. Bellows, you're making a big mistake.

W-We're crazy about each other.

Oh? Is that why Major Nelson stepped on your foot,

spilled coffee all over you and elbowed you in the stomach?

Well, actually, we were just fooling around. Ha, ha, ha.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like a--

You know, just roughhousing like a couple of college kids.

Blowing off a little steam.

I give Roger a little poke in the stomach.

[LAUGHS] You know, just playing around.

Yeah, just-- Just playing, hit me right--

Said he's playing around and I just gave him

a little kick in the shins.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, that was pretty fast. Ah, yeah. Ha, ha.

Then I just took my fist and I just, I tear you--

[♪♪♪]

All right, gentlemen, all right.

I'll put off my decision for 24 hours.

But, uh,

during that time I'll stay with you

and observe every nuance of your relationship.

Oh. Great, sir. Great, sir.

Happy to have you aboard.

I'm happy if you're happy.

Ooh.

Well, is she here? Shh.

Dr. Bellows is upstairs. He might hear.

I looked all over the house. I can't find her.

Then how did the kitchen get cleaned up?

How did the living room get cleaned up?

How did I get my cup of coffee?

If she isn't here, we must have elves.

No, I-I think I know what happened.

Before Jeannie left, she wanted to fix the house so that

i-if we wanted anything, all we had to do was ask

and it'd be done.

You mean the house is automatic?

I think so.

Well, why don't we give it a test?

All right. Uh...

Um, I wish I had, um-- I wish I had an apple.

Hey, that's great.

Hey, wait a minute. What kind of test is that?

Let me give it a test.

Uh, I'd like a beautiful redhead.

Oh, Roge.

Yeah.

[LAUGHS]

Uh, ha, hello.

Hello. Ha, ha. Hello.

There-- There's been kind of a little misunderstanding here.

I-- I wish you'd-- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let's--

What's the rush, huh? Roger.

I wish you'd disappear.

Roger? What did I say?

I said Roger, I wish you'd disap--

What's the matter with me--? I like you better anyway.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Yeah? Yeah, I--

Look, I-I think there's a little misunderstanding here.

Uh, there's been some kind of a mistake.

Um, I-- Roger? I wish you'd come back.

Ah, just what I thought.

You wanted her for yourself, huh?

Roger, I wish you'd shut up.

[MAGIC TONE]

Now, I'm sorry, miss.

There really has been a misunderstanding.

Here. Have an apple.

Now disappear.

Oh. Oh, thank you, thank you.

Heh, Roger, boy, are we in trouble.

We got 24 hours to convince Dr. Bellows

that we're compatible,

and we got a nutty house on our hands.

[MOUTHING]

Well, don't just stand there. Say something!

Oh, I'm sorry. I wish you could speak.

[MAGIC TONE]

[GASPING]

Thank you. Now-- Now, look,

we're gonna have to function like a well-oiled machine.

And above all, we've got to avoid using terms like, um,

"I wish" or "I want."

Well, I certainly wish that we could have someone--

Sh! Now, what did I just tell you?

I was just going to wish us luck.

[♪♪♪]

Breakfast is served, sir.

[WHISTLING] [HUMMING]

Amazing! Absolutely amazing.

After you. After you.

No, after you. All right.

[♪♪♪]

Major Nelson? Major Healey? I'm ready now.

Oh? I thought you'd be staying the night with us, sir.

Well, there's no need now.

It's obvious that I misjudged you two completely.

You're as compatible and efficient a team

as I've ever seen.

You mean the test is over, sir?

Well, as far as I'm concerned it is,

and you've both passed with flying colors.

Well, uh, it's certainly been a pleasure having you.

That goes double for me, sir.

There's just one thing that still puzzles me:

why you were arguing this morning

over a simple little thing like a cup of coffee.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I wish you'd tell me the truth about that.

[MAGIC TONE]

I'll tell you the truth, sir.

Roger Healey is a slob.

He came here with enough stuff for a year

and dumped it on my living-room floor

and generally made this place look like a pigsty.

Major Nelson, what are you saying?

I don't know. Yeah, well, I know.

I may be a slob, but that's better than being

a nitpicking list-maker!

I mean, he has a schedule for everything.

A schedule for cooking, for washing the dishes.

He even has a schedule for when we schedule things.

Well, I stayed out there half the night

waiting for you to turn the porch light on.

Gentlemen, please!

All he can make is a lousy casserole!

And when you cook, you make it look like

it's been hit by Hurricane Zelda!

I-- You left it like it looks like--

Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, will you please stop arguing?

[MAGIC TONE]

You almost had me convinced, didn't you?

Well, the truth will come out.

After tomorrow, you'll find out

that there's no necessity of working together anymore.

ROGER: Dr. Bellows.

I'm sorry, Roge.

You're sorry? I'm sorry.

I don't know what happened. It just came rushing out.

I feel terrible. I wish the roof would fall in.

[♪♪♪]

[GASPS, THEN GIGGLES]

Who did that?

Not bad.

Master, Major Healey, I'm back.

Yes, I sense that, Jeannie.

Well, are you not happy to see me?

Did you not miss me?

We missed you, but you didn't miss us.

Well, I-I do not understand.

Well, uh, Jeannie, uh, uh--

Your automatic house caused Roger and I to have an argument

and Dr. Bellows saw it,

and he's splitting us up as a team.

[GASPS]

Well, that is terrible.

Just because you had a little fight?

[SCOFFS]

Well, that could happen to anyone.

Yeah, I know, but it--

Unfortunately, it happened to us.

And at a very inopportune time.

Say, it could happen to anyone, couldn't it?

[LAUGHS]

I've got a little job for you.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Darling, what on Earth?

What's the matter? You look terrible.

I have a very unpleasant chore to perform tomorrow.

I have to split up Major Nelson and Major Healey.

Split them up? What--? What on Earth for?

Ahh. They hate each other.

Oh, darling, I can't believe that.

I just saw them almost come to blows

over a silly little thing like a cup of coffee.

No wonder you're so depressed.

Well, you just sit there.

I've got the martinis all ready for you.

Thank you, dear.

[MAGIC CHIME]

Here you are, sweetheart.

Thanks.

Mm-hm. Mm.

[MAGIC BOINGS]

Amanda, this martini is terrible.

That's the way I've always prepared it, dear.

BELLOWS: Yes, and they've always been terrible.

AMANDA: I'm sorry, darling. I--

I'll go fix you another one. Mm.

[MAGIC BOINGS]

No, I won't, either.

You don't like the martini?

You go fix it yourself.

When a man comes home from a hard day's work

he deserves a decent martini!

Don't shout at me, Alfred!

I'll shout if I want to!

[WHIMPERING]

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Yes? What is it?

Oh, hello, Dr. Bellows, uh,

we just dropped by to see

if we could persuade you to reconsider your decision.

Yes, sir. Anybody could have a fight.

Yeah.

[AMANDA SOBBING AND BANGING]

Oh, what's wrong with Mrs. Bellows?

Uh, Major Nelson, Major Healey, I, um--

I'm just in the middle of a--

I'm afraid you've come at the wrong time.

Go ahead and tell them!

We just had a-- A knock-down-drag-out fight.

Well, I-I sure hope you're not considering separating.

Well, of course not.

Whatever gave you that silly idea?

You may have a point, major.

Just because you have a little tiff,

it doesn't mean the roof has to fall in.

[LAUGHING] No.

[AMANDA WAILING]

[♪♪♪]