Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

So you say you're a big deal on the interwebs.

But you're only 24.

25 next month.

Looks like he's been ridden hard and put away wet.

Must be something wicked in that soy milk.

That stuff tastes like dirt, and it gives you bitch tits.

I prefer the nut milk.

You good, old boys, you, I guess, stock any

of that in your general store?

My nut milk is all dried up these days.

Sonia never did say.

What brings you out here to our dried-up, old dust bowl?

Some PR BS, you know.

There's this little prick streamer

who's talking some kind of new candy bar,

wants me to get the word out, you know,

create a viral dance craze.

To get the word out, you know.

And guess what, Papa, he needs a new pair of roller blades.

I feel you.

Can't knock an honest hustle, homie.

The only problem is it's becoming

a big influencer meetup.

And your boy Kai doesn't play well with others.

Well, boys, it's time for me to hit the old, dusty trail.

Yahoo!

Don't want an inspiration to escape me.

Out of here.

You want to know a shortcut?

You'll save 20 minutes.

You don't even know where I'm going.

So OK.

Cool.

Got your penis.

Oh, oh, oh, my baby!

Oh, it's leaving me!

Oh, my God!

I'm going to be so upset without my baby.

But it has to leave the nest.

Bye, little buddy!

Good luck out there!

ONC go sailing in August--

Fiends, fiends,

we're off to kill the fiends

Fiends, fiends, they haunt you in your dream

Fiends, fiends we're off to kill the fiends

Fiends, fiends, they haunt you in your dream

Fiends, fiends we're off to kill the fiends

Fiends, fiends, they haunt you in your dream

Fiends, fiends, we're off to kill the fiends

Fiends, fiends, they haunt you in your dream

Love it.

Love it.

Love it.

That old freak of the gas pumps sure inspired me.

Time for the next dance craze.

Oh, dance.

Oh, dance.

Oh, dance.

You ready for this? All right.

Open.

Open.

I said open.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Here you are, baby.

Time for the next dance craze.

Time to close.

Time to close.

Time to close.

Time to close.

Oh, yeah!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Perfection.

Oh, my back.

Oh.

I might look young, but I've been 25 for about 25 years.

Oh, but nobody-- nobody should ever know the age and the truth

about the blindfold dancer.

No. No.

No.

I scrubbed that from the net.

They'll never know.

Let the dance craze begin.

Look at this poor, dumb son of a bitch.

He's dancing like no one's watching.

I thought they banned that fucking app.

It's a disease.

That fool looks like he lives in a pool house.

What gives, man?

What happened to my tunes?

Who the hell are you?

Oh, are you-- are you-- are you here for the meetup?

Jeez, this place is going to be loaded

with MILFs in milk chocolate.

I got my own milk right here.

I can't swim!

That's hot!

That's hot!

Mama, he likes your decaf.

Hey, I think he was taking a trip down memory lane.

What a pervert!

Nippy?

Yeah?

I think we should teach him a lesson.

Oh, yeah.

No.

No.

Dude, not cool.

I don't even like dick.

Sorry, brother.

No.

No.

No.

My balls.

Enough with this spaghetti Western slapstick bullshit.

It's Papa's turn.

Oh, no.

And I think I'm going to give him an old-fashioned cream pie.

Drop your weapon.

Hey, buddy.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Little cream pie action.

Kids these days.

Am I right?

Right. He's right.

Always first in line to cop a feel of Mama's tit.

Oh, I miss Muriel.

She was the only woman for me.

You already forgot your true love, Dawn?

Who's that?

Otis might be flat down here, but he's

got a lot of hose up his jock.

Whatever you say, pump jockey.

Pumpjack.

Got a bad feeling about this.

Where's Kai?

He is my hero.

He can do dance moves blindfolded.

Isn't Kai that old dude who tries to pass off as a teenager?

That guy's old enough to join the 27 Club twice.

All right.

Let's pull this together, people.

This isn't some goddamn dinner theater.

Don't go soft on me now.

Pop a benny.

Puff a smoke.

Snort some coke. I don't give a shit.

Pick your poison.

But I need a hardcore commando unit.

Fucked up my favorite titty.

Oh, and murdered my son, of course.

Has anybody seen him?

Not to mention my best friend, Norman.

Those fucking foul fiends made a ventriloquist dummy out of him.

I'll make a pincushion out of that dickhead mutant.

Gage, these bumbling buffoons wouldn't last one

night in the killing fields.

Easy there, Duke.

Anybody can be molded into the perfect warrior with enough soap

bar pillowcase beatdowns, not to mention the fact

that these idiots are paying me a small fortune to track

down these fucking fiends.

Probably just some desert rats high on crack.

Yes.

I trust your judgment, Master Kilroy.

And if all else fails, I'm going to snuff

these motherfuckers out myself.

I am the mighty Nico.

What I say goes, mortals.

I shall smite the fiends with my hammer.

Show them who's in charge, Nico.

No room for wastemen when Nico's in town.

I can't be the only one here looking to kill.

Where are these fiends hiding?

I want to dance in their mutant blood.

Wow, I like your smile.

What's your name?

Name's Snake, my lady.

That makes absolutely no fucking sense.

The fiend's cave hideout is supposed

to be right around here.

Oh, for fuck's sake, he's holding a map upside down.

We are so fucked.

This damn radio is really ham.

Can't get a clear signal.

Too many damn truck drivers on the line cussing me out.

If we do track down those fiends,

I don't even want to kill them.

I'll just ask them why.

Why did you pricks have to kill my brother?

Somebody say kill?

That's a job for me.

Johnny Spotless is the name, and blood and guts are the game.

You break it, I'll fix it.

And when I find those fucking fiends, I'm putting them on ice.

Whoa, there, bucco.

Who said anything about killing them?

I'm a peaceful man.

I just wanted to tie them up and get some answers.

This is supposed to be a peaceful hunt.

If these fiends are as bad as you all have said,

then they're incredibly violent.

And 9 times out of 10, they go straight for the genitals.

Probably some kind of hormonal imbalance.

Their downstairs is upstairs.

Let's go.

Get up.

Oh, well, back to nature it goes.

Lunch.

Don't forget your manners.

Remember to share, A-hole.

You know I like mine extra bitter.

Dark chocolate, my favorite.

Yeah, that's my Pete in the movie

But I mean, big Pete in the movie

You've been spinning the same tired lines for the last decade.

Dr. Beef Curtis is my favorite MC.

He spits fire on that mic.

Did somebody mention Dr. Beef Curtis?

What's that smell, bacon?

Was you a cop?

Yeah.

Hey, hey, OK?

We're actually officers, not pigs.

And we're off duty, so don't sweat it.

Yeah. It's fine.

Yeah.

But anyway, we saw that guy outside Desert Fiend Fest.

He's puking his guts out.

Must have been some preshow nerves.

Listen, that was a fake.

You don't know if somebody else tried to play him, too.

But he sucked, too.

Wack.

I'll tell you what, when he cut up, that was the shit,

you know what I'm saying, especially

when he bared his ass.

Did somebody say something about cutting up?

I'm Nathan.

I'm with the Fun Police.

I'm the king of cutting up.

Who ordered this clown?

Hey, Nathan is the best.

He made balloon animals for over 50 man-children

at my birthday party last year.

Yeah.

I ran out of helium halfway through it

and had to finish that stuff with my breath.

Now I get wheezy walking upstairs.

He's tall.

He's got a Chrome dome, one eyebrow, horn mustache.

Looking at you, you'd probably identify

him by this tattoo on his back.

- I'll hit you up if I see him. - All right.

Word.

Ooh, fresh meat.

What's your name?

Buzz. Buzz.

Buzz.

I'm a bumblebee.

How about I smell your flower?

Oh, you do look familiar.

Have you ever sailed the seven seas?

I really love the rugged look.

He looks like he loves to smoke nug-nugs.

Totally.

I'm going to show you a nug-nug later on.

Kat, stop flirting with the good-looking stranger.

Fine, ye of tiny ego.

And penis.

All right, troops.

Some of you aren't looking too good.

Normally, I wouldn't give a shit,

but we got to stay tough for these fiends.

So let's start looking for a place to camp, OK?

Whatever you say, Master Kilroy.

Please stop calling me that outside our dojo training Hall.

All right, boss man.

Gage is right.

My dogs are barking.

You guys are all weaklings.

I could go another 15 miles without stopping.

Let's go.

Same here.

I'm working on pure adrenaline.

It's time to revenge my titty and my son, Jr.

Another washout.

Dad, I'm tired of looking like damn fools.

Can we move on?

They haven't found anything worth a shit

here, not since the Gold Rush.

Well, I don't know.

I think your father looks very handsome

in his gold panning equipment.

Like I always said, Catherine, you're my diamond in the rough.

Wait a minute.

Wait, didn't you guys just meet a few months ago?

Ah, yes.

At the home for retired farts.

She'd always give me an extra serving of cobbler.

And that's because you were my favorite.

I broke him out.

Yes.

She hit me in a laundry cart rolling

around in used undergarments, the most fun I've ever had.

Oh, gross.

Get a room, you two.

I mean, really.

Oh, you didn't hear us in the tent last night?

I know it got a little bit rough.

But I liked it.

Oh, Jesus, I think I'm going to counseling after this.

Quiet, you two.

I got a good feeling about this place.

Now let's dig.

Ow!

What?

What?

What happened?

Oh, no.

Are you OK?

I think something bit me.

Take it off. Take it off.

Hurry. Hurry.

Hurry.

God, there's so much blood.

Oh, my goodness. - Is there a first aid kit?

Do you have first aid kit?

No.

Wait.

Hey, Duke, come here.

Come here, Duke.

What was that?

I can't see anything.

Oh, what the fuck?

There we go.

Maybe these will work.

Hey, Duke.

Hey, Duke, it's a fiend.

His foot is infected. It's full of pus.

It's draining everywhere. - Don't talk.

This motherfucker is mine.

Oh, my god, help!

Help!

God.

You, you shot my boyfriend.

Ma'am, that bastard ain't been a boy in 60 years.

Collateral damage, motherfucker.

All part of the job.

But he's missing a foot.

That was my favorite foot.

Tell you what, here's my card.

Get him a nice peg leg or something.

I'll even sign it with a heart.

Hey, where are you going?

To got the fiends, ringworm.

Big, bad fiend.

Not after we're done with them.

Fiends, fiends,

we're off to get the fiends

Fiends, fiends, they haunt you in your dream

Fiends, fiends, we're off to get the fiends

Fiends, fiends

Fiends, fiends, we're off to kill the fiends

Fiends, fiends, they haunt you in your dreams

Fiends, fiends, we'll turn them into meat

Fiends, fiends

Fiends, fiends, we're off to kill the fiends

Fiends, fiends, my nose is a machine

Fiends, fiends

My fiends, fiends

We'll poke you in the eye

A-HOLE: Fiends, fiends

I don't mean to gloat

On my throat

You will surely choke

Fiends, fiends, I'm not good at rhymes, rhymes

But my breast milk enzymes will turn

them into hollow blinds, blinds

Hi!

Hey!

Hi!

Hi!

Can you help us?

Yeah?

Oh, shit. - Wait.

What the fuck?

Wait!

Take me back to the old folk's home.

I'm nervous.

Are we all about to perform coitus?

I didn't bring any protection.

Not in your wildest dreams.

Ah, weak.

Thought that's what we were in here for.

You know, I'm game.

I am a mattress actress, after all.

This is a gross conversation.

I'm saving myself for marriage.

Yeah.

Right.

What a waste.

I'd tap that six ways from Sunday.

Um, thank you.

Hey, stop spitting game at my beautiful girlfriend, Kat.

Sorry, bro.

I was being facetious. - It's OK.

It's OK.

I only date mall goths, anyways.

You're really testing my patience, Stephen Hawking.

I told you all this top-shelf strange is mine.

We're top-shelves?

Friction.

This is really kinky.

And I could tell Mark and Doug about this.

What's up, Buzz?

I see you're still sniffing stuff.

Let me smell those fingers.

Oh, dude.

No.

That smells like the girls' locker room at the city gym.

Yeah.

Probably barbed my ass.

Dude, are you serious?

Yeah.

Dude, they have the best protein drinks there.

Well, you want some protein?

I got a strong odor for you.

Get a whiff of that specimen.

Hey, did you guys ever hear that story about that demon kid?

Came up from hell on a cursed skateboard crafted by Satan.

That is stupid.

- You get up and do better. - OK.

OK.

You remember the story of the elf who had

a chip on his shoulder, right?

And he murdered everyone at the holiday office party, that guy?

And the only survivor was the one who was taking

a wicked eggnog crab, that guy.

Hate those money-grubbing holiday flicks.

Next time one comes on, I'm taking it out.

I got a story I've been working on.

It's about a man named Waylon, who's trailing

Bigfoot for a few years.

Some people think he's touched in the head.

But Waylon knows the truth.

What about my story?

It's about two unlikely heroes down on their luck,

who try to save their farm by winning a bowling tournament.

That sounds like a comedy from the '90s.

Yeah?

Well, you don't know what the one

guy had to do with his landlord when he was low on rent.

These are all weak.

I got one.

It's about a guy that found a strange object

in a house he was selling.

Turned him into a half man, half shark.

And then he bit a guy's pecker off in the shower.

This is the most painful, disjointed campfire circle

I've ever been a part of.

And I'm close to shooting myself.

All these stories sound like those lame, cheesy Chauncey

Phillips horror films.

What a hack.

But, sir, he makes some pretty good popcorn movies.

I'd donate.

Who asked you, stupid?

Did you ever see what happened in the first film?

I saw this alien watcher and cult leader.

The fiends came in and killed him and his entire group.

Turned the entire tent blood red.

Such is life.

Speaking of Gage, where's our tents?

Well, I'm having them special-delivered,

Mike, just for you.

No, I'm not.

Remember when I said about keeping our guard up?

We need to remain vigilant, people.

We're sleeping under the stars tonight.

Oh, no.

Sorry.

I put it in the wrong hole.

The beaver's too hairy.

Hey, fellas, I see what y'all doing there.

Feel good, don't it? - No.

No. No.

I was just scratching an itch. - Nah, man.

You can't be doing this shit out here in the public.

- Hey, don't narc on us, my man. - Show me somethin'.

Hey, unzip it.

Unzip it.

What?

Dude.

Oh, shit.

Oh, hell, no.

This paralyzing serum only works for a short little while.

We got to act fast, A-hole.

Buzz, picking up chicks is not that difficult. All it takes

is a little rizz.

You can't spend all day online gooning

over free-leaked bra-try-on videos from Yugoslavia.

That sounds, like, overly specific.

Well, yeah.

I mean--

Dude, I just want to find a girl I can settle down

with and have a couple babies.

Why?

Why, Buzz?

I'm more of like an-hour-stand type of guy.

And just remember this, the hole is behind the bush.

Dude, way too much.

Hey, guys, what brings you to my cave?

We're just trying to find girls.

Well, you two have come to the right place.

I just love men with shaved heads.

You know, see, I'm kind of follicly challenged, too.

Oh, my god.

See?

Wow, that's a nice cut of breast.

Watch this.

Buzz and I dress up as boobs every year for Halloween.

We're quite a pair.

Oh, that is so kinky.

Nice bunch of coconuts.

Oh, thank you.

I mean, obviously, one cup size is smaller than the other,

but you get the idea.

You can even drink the milk afterwards.

Yeah.

You want to drink the milk?

Breast wishes, you guys.

I guess those gooners are now just goners.

Who made breakfast?

Who had the fucking bloody nose?

What is this, cream of some young guy?

Fuck.

Oh, all frank and no beans.

What in tarnation?

My garter snake's missing from my grassy knoll.

I'm all berries and no fucking twig.

The heck, I'm all stitched up down here.

Who did this to me?

It got my balls, but at least they missed my micropenis.

Yeah.

Well, it looks like someone stitched my member back

onto my backside.

Fuck.

That little thing?

Who gives a shit?

Now I have to make my chocolate milk

and lemonade from the same place.

It's stupid, stupid, stupid!

Fuck, my dirty santito's missing.

Fuck.

Radio commands and prayers.

This is why I never go into battle

without my trusty trick holster and my chainmail-armored

underwear.

Provides a 2-inch barrier between

me and the outside world.

Why didn't you tell me about these miracle underwears, Gage?

You should have got two pairs.

These babies cost me $59.99.

What do you think, I'm made of money?

All right.

Let's press on.

What's on your mind, Don?

Have you ever noticed how certain directors--

they-- they hire these, you know, kind of off the boil

ex-movie star types?

And they hire them real cheap just

so that they can inflate their own crap movie star power?

How do you figure?

OK.

Here.

Well, it's like this.

OK.

Hear me out.

You got your hack director, and he

gets a hold of a list, his guest list,

at some star-studded Hollywood convention.

And he cherry-picks a few of those-- those actors

off of that thing because he remembers, oh, yeah.

That's right.

I got this VHS tape covered in fucking

cheese and crackers and shit that he's had since he was 10.

Then what he does, he hires him.

He gives him a couple of lines that

are just, like, totally outlandish

and completely fucked up.

And he just-- he's like some sick bastard

just laughing at him.

I mean--

What kind of brain-dead fucking nerd

would do something like that?

I mean, this guy is, you know.

That's disgusting.

You should beat that guy to death.

Hey, sunshine, wakey-wakey.

Hey, look, I brought you some breakfast.

I don't want your mutant porridge.

Oh, now, listen, the choo choo train's coming into the station.

Open wide.

No.

Enough.

I'm not hungry.

If you don't have some of the main course,

you're not getting dessert.

What is this place?

Huh?

This is our love nest.

Don't you like it, my little angel?

No.

It's a dump.

I've hunted down meth head bounty fugitives with better

living situations than this.

I mean, how can you say that?

This is going to be your forever home, my love.

You don't even know me.

What do you want from me, freak?

Well, the name's Papa, and I am a freak in the sheets.

Hey, you want to see me flick my baby?

Gross!

Don't hurt me.

Oh, I would never hurt you, my love.

I'm just looking for a little companionship.

And when I saw you and laid eyes upon you down at your campsite,

I knew I had to have you.

I am just a lonely, bearded lady.

Well, that's a very sad story, ma'am, but I'm not the one.

Oh, shit.

Balls.

I forgot the mutant juice.

Can't have any deep conversations

without a little bubbly.

Hey, you hang around.

I'll be right back.

Nobody can hear you.

- Did you hear that? - Yeah.

I heard that.

Sounded like a scream.

We should go in there and see what the hell's going on.

OK, man.

You know, my grandfather

lost his virginity in a cave.

Really?

Yeah.

Miss, you-- are you tied up?

Are you all right?

We're not interrupting some kinky role-play, are we?

Because, you know, my secret safe word is Reuben sandwich.

Hey.

No.

This deranged and deformed thing with the vagina for a face

is trying to make me the bride of a mutant.

Untie me now.

Hey, who the fuck are you cops?

No one told me this was a double date.

Wait.

Look, we're just casual observers, all right?

We're just going to be leaving now.

Oh, yeah?

You're going to leave, all right, straight to hell.

Ooh, man, this looks like it could be fun.

This doesn't look like a bathroom.

Oh, for the love of Sambito, how many motherfuckers are going

to keep interrupting my date?

Hey, what is that?

A balloon pump.

You like balloon animals?

Yes.

I got something for your ass.

Ooh, my god, it's getting huge.

It's going to blow.

Let's make the exploding dog.

It's going to blow.

Hey, guys, look what I found, slime.

Hey!

Wow, look at that.

Brandon, that's your bread and butter.

People love your slime content.

Hey, did you bring any of your add-ins?

Oh, yeah.

Of course.

I never leave home without them.

Watch out.

Naturally-occurring slime has a very delicate consistency.

Whoo, these fumes are making me dizzy.

This is my best batch of slime yet.

Are you getting this?

Time for some sensory stimulation and creative play.

Yeah.

How's the texture?

Ooh!

Stress-relieving.

But it stings.

Oh, god.

Maybe I used too much glitter.

Oh, you can never use too much glitter.

Whoa, whoa, what's wrong with your finger?

This is the best slime ever.

When will I have this much slime in one place again?

I have to focus.

Yeah.

Come on, buddy.

Looks like Brandon's finally getting somthing.

But I'm not watching.

All right, buddy.

You bust that slime in hymen.

Oh, yeah!

Daddy's home.

What did I miss?

Since when did you start smoking?

Since I had the best day of my life.

Dude, what happened to your finger?

Oh, no.

I can see my funny bone.

Didn't you stick your other bone in that slime?

Yeah.

I-- I like that.

OK.

But also.

What the fuck?

Hey, handsome.

We've been working on this routine all day,

and you're in our shot.

Oh, that's sweet.

Is this some kind of safe space?

Make way for my squad, Tits McGee.

Clearly in heat.

But I'll have to take a rain check.

Disgusting.

Hey, sir, I could use a break.

You think they got any avocado toast?

Don't push out on me now, Duke.

You're an asshole.

No French toast for you.

Out of the way, shit stain.

Oh, wow.

OK, guys.

Tent looks cute, right? Mm-hmm.

I think we're good to go.

I am queued up to go live.

Kitty Cat, you ready?

Hell, yes.

All right.

Let's go.

OK, guys.

Tent looks cute.

I totally think this is going to work.

You ready, Kitty Cat?

Hell, yeah.

All right.

We are live now.

Hey, everyone, it's time to play your favorite game.

Cosmo, what will it be, big or small?

Big.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yes.

Get that big boy down.

OK.

All right, Cos.

My favorite parapleg'.

Big or small?

Small.

There you go.

Oh.

Oh, my gosh, yes.

Thank you, guys, so much for supporting.

Mm-hmm.

What gives?

Is it game over?

Oh, hey, baby, big or small?

Devin, is that you?

I thought you said I wasn't your type.

Oh, no, no, hot stuff.

I love your wheels.

So tell me, big or small?

OK.

I'll buy it.

Big.

It looks small to me.

My penis!

Whoo!

Good job, buddy.

Are you watching the Desert Fiends again?

How many times have I told you it's banned in the house?

No.

This is the sequel, Desert Fiends 2.

It's lit as fuck.

That trash got a sequel?

Who the fuck would fund that?

I don't know.

Probably that guy with the glowing balls.

Oh, my god, it's a fucking franchise?

You realize how bad this fucking movie makes us look?

Stupid director and his idiot hermit brother.

They don't know anything about the fiend life.

Yeah.

Well, I like it.

You know how much I love cheesy horror films with zero plot.

Are you kidding me?

This shit's rotting your brain.

It's almost as bad as that mime with the little red tricycle.

Oh, yeah.

I love that shower scene in the third one.

That guy had the world's longest and deepest butt crack.

Hey!

No more TV for you, mister.

Not till you get some culture.

Oh, I recommend a novel.

I have some gems by Russian authors of the 1800s.

You know I can't even read.

I collect my farts in jars, plus I was only watching Desert

Fiends 2 for research purposes.

Bullshit.

I've been hearing you hoot and holler for 45 minutes.

You love this thing, and it's fucking ruining our lives.

I'm just trying to give the lady a little bit of lip service.

By the way, she says I have the best tongue in town.

But you completely ruined the mood.

OK.

My mistake.

Apologize to Harlow, all right?

I mean, she doesn't get off at least once a day,

I don't get earlobe action for a week.

What the fuck is all this racket?

My head is pounding, and I didn't even get my nut.

I'm sorry, babe.

Spike's going to be cleaning that TV up.

He had a change of heart and realized he should be a breeder.

Shouldn't be watching that idiot tube anymore.

And now how am I supposed to watch my soaps?

Natalie is supposed to come out of her coma today.

Harmon the-- the Slimeball, it was

going to be in two cameo episodes,

and now I don't get to watch anything.

Well, let's do some role-play.

You know, the acting will be a lot better.

And we could just make the story up as we go along.

Sounds kinky.

Yeah.

All right, but I'm playing the handsome surgeon.

And you are playing Natalie.

I'll be right back.

I got to go talk to a landowner.

Oh, I can't believe he let him shoot a sequel here.

I told him after the first one, you can't

let people shoot movies here.

Oh, my god.

Harlow, would you mind helping me clean this mess up?

You know what they say, teamwork makes the--

the dream work.

Never mind.

I'll clean it up myself.

I'm getting some air.

No. No.

Not-- no.

No.

Damn punk filmmakers.

How many times do I have to tell them

you have to soak the mop after you clean up fake blood?

This is going to take all day to clean.

Hey, Lloyd, you ugly shit, we need to talk.

Ugly?

Tell it to the mop.

Hey, mop boy, take it easy.

It's about our deal.

- What deal? - Huh?

The deal we made that you said you wouldn't let people

shoot movies here anymore.

Yeah.

I needed the money.

And it's not like you and your dickless brother

can even raise rent.

Last month, he tried to pay me with toenails

and belly button lint.

Hey, you know, on top of that, that Chauncey fellow,

he's completely lost the plot.

Hey, you know what, he has big investors,

and he paid me up front.

Well, it's because of you yapping

your mouth telling everybody that we

had fucking deformed genitalia.

Since then that guy's been running around fucking

besmirching our good name.

Don't you guys tie up women, eat balls, and throw

rocks at tourists' heads?

That was one time, and I was really fucking high on brownies.

You're just jealous Mr. Director took your life.

And he made it more interesting.

Maybe so.

But if he comes around here again,

it's going to be your dick and balls

I'm wearing like a necklace. - Yeah.

Fair enough.

That would be the most action these bits

have seen in a long time.

What seems to be the major malfunction around here?

Can't we just all get along?

He started it.

He fucked up a toilet.

Actually, he let Chauncey come back here and film Fiends, too.

So what?

What's the worst that can happen?

You ever heard of dark tourism?

If this thing's a hit, if lots of people watch it,

it's going to ruin the vibe of this entire place.

Secret's going to be out.

No fucking chill zone for me.

Oh, no.

You mean, no more nude sunbathing under the desert sun?

Yeah.

Good luck with that.

No more sunbathing.

Every Tom, Dick, and Harry is going

to be coming around here fucking taking

little pictures for their social media accounts.

It's going to suck.

This place fucking rocked, and you're ruining it.

That's not going to happen.

Those movies would be lucky to get two dozen eyes on them.

You better hope so.

Well, you know what, I have a solution to your problem.

I'm listening.

There's a convention, the Desert

Fiends Fan Fest coming to town.

What-- what-- what the hell is that?

It seems a small, niche group of chronically

online dweebs have raised enough scratch

to put on this festival for like-minded weirdos

who liked the first film.

See, it's already happening.

And next, Mr. P will be giving late night haunted tours

all over our goddamn property.

I-- I think even Chauncey will appear if he doesn't have

one of his classic meltdowns.

Maybe I'll go pay him a visit.

Come on, Harlow.

Let's go do some evil fucking deeds.

Oh, brother.

Come on.

Go play with your nub.

Yeah, I will.

And lend me any ear.

I want to drink myself so thoroughly.

I know you have no balls, Jasper.

No shit, Ms. Sherlock.

Thanks for stating the obvious.

Not what I mean.

You've got no backbone.

That landlord has been on your ass since the day we moved in.

We should kill him.

What's the point?

Because I want a new skull on our mantel.

Come on.

Let's do it.

Don't be a pussy.

Fine. Fine.

Let's go!

Jenn, is that you?

You live in them.

We flip them.

How can I help you?

Enough small talk, Jenn.

I'm ready to sell.

Sounds good.

I'll be over to stage the properties next week.

No.

Not next week.

Now.

I'm being threatened every day, and I'm sick of it.

I have a meeting,

but I'll stop by tomorrow.

Perfect.

It's time to dump this dive.

Watch your titties. He's going to fuck them up.

Oh, yeah.

Get him away from me.

I got you now.

You can't go nowhere, you dickless fucks.

Drink my fucking freaky fiend-flavored juice,

you motherfuckers.

Take it off!

Take it off!

Take it off!

Take that fiend juice.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Shit.

Worthless pieces of shit.

Stupid fucks.

Oh, brother, what are you watching?

Porn.

Porn?

Do you even have the right parts to enjoy porn?

You, porn?

Don't even use the word porn around me.

I would never do it, let alone watch that shit.

It's disgusting.

Let me see that.

Come on, man.

It's going to rot your brain.

Still with this shit?

I told you you can't fucking watch that.

Got to free yourself of that fucking shit.

Who's shitting your cereal?

We've been talking, OK?

We're going to need your help.

Me and Harlow, we-- we decided that we got--

we got to kill the landowner.

Lloyd?

Come on, Jasper.

Lloyd's the big swag.

You know he was in a movie about a toxic

custodian back in the '80s?

That explains a lot.

It's your fault. Yeah.

He's-- you're the reason he fucking let the cat out

of the bag, went around, told everybody that we were

a bunch of eunuchs over here.

What?

He was just curious why I didn't flinch

when he kicked me below the belt.

So how are we going to do it?

All right.

You guys ready to start your engines?

Wait.

Does Lloyd have a dog on the property?

I wouldn't want to lose a finger over a petty kill.

Oh, well, he does have a bloodhound,

but it's like 120 in human years.

What about alarms?

No, really.

He got a camera, one, but it hasn't--

hasn't worked since like 1997.

Sounds like you're two steps ahead of us, brother.

Yeah.

I've always been the smart one in the family.

If I had the dick and some balls, I'd be unstoppable.

True that.

All right. All right.

Hold on.

I've got an idea.

I got this covered.

I am going to go use my feminine charms.

All right.

She's got it.

Hi, Lloyd.

Oh, hi.

Hi there.

How are you doing?

I'm good.

How are you doing?

I'm good.

You know, have I ever told you that I really like you?

You do?

I do.

I think you're really sexy.

And I like you.

You know what, I like you, too.

Fuck!

Help me.

Oh, goddamn it.

God, he's a heavy sack of bananas.

Oh, man.

We broke his brain!

Awesome!

I told you to get the ATVs.

You smashed the TV.

ATV, all-terrain vehicle.

Oh.

It's not working.

All right.

Pull harder.

I'm fucking pulling.

We need a fucking horsepower.

He's waking up.

Get over here.

Damn it.

Get over here.

Fuck this.

We're going to have to do something else.

Oh, man!

1, 2, 3.

That job was a fucking mess!

Lloyd almost got away.

Clearly, you two need a whole lot more practice.

With who?

It's not like it's a thriving city center out there.

Use your head, dumb dumb.

Plenty of lot Lizards.

They camp out next to the truck stop peddling their wares.

If we take out a few, who's going to notice?

Well, their friends and family.

Shut up, shit for brains.

It's settled.

Tomorrow night, we go slut-hunting,

and you two will learn the fucking art of killing.

We're going to go kill some people.

Some sluts.

Hey there.

Hi.

Are you the realtor?

I am.

Fabulous.

I would love a tour of the property ASAP.

I'd love to give you a tour, but I have

to get an OK from Lloyd first.

That crazy fool, he must be tending his crops.

Is he the one with those-- those prison-issued goggle glasses--

Yes.

and the bad odor?

Yes. - Yeah.

He said to go ahead and start the tour without him.

Oh, OK.

Yeah.

So I-- I hear there's multiple swimming holes on the property.

No.

Those are actually holes dug by juvenile hall students

that were in boot camp.

Really?

Yeah.

Interesting.

OK.

So--

One was a real zero, and the other one lived on onions alone.

Ew.

You know what, I got here before you did today.

I was looking around, and I have something so exciting.

So stay here.

I'll be right back.

All right.

OK.

Perfect.

Let's close this deal.

I fucking love real estate!

I don't know about this place.

This looks super sketch.

Somebody's going to step on a rusty nail.

Look at this place.

We're going to get sued.

We could just warn my adoring fans

on the website to get a tetanus shot before they ever show up.

This whole thing has been such a cluster.

I am on the brink of a mental breakdown right now.

I don't know.

I think this place has some good bones.

I just hope Mr. Parker isn't a no-show.

Kevin, he was so much money to book the last time.

You want it back again?

Maybe there could be a kissing booth.

I want to meet some easy woman who

likes seeing me lose my head.

Maybe that could be a good idea.

Hi, folks.

Are you all here about that horror movie convention thing?

We're just scouting right now, looking around,

trying to find the right place.

And, you know, I don't know about this place.

It looks really dangerous and maybe not structurally sound.

Course, it is.

My husband, Lloyd, and I built this ourselves.

Blood, sweat, and tears went into this place.

Well, that's funny because I spoke to your husband.

He never mentioned you.

Anyways, what can you tell us about this place?

Well, we got high ceilings, and there's

real nice outhouses out back.

We got fresh desert air.

What's the situation with the AC?

Well, we got plenty of cross-breeze comes through

here when the wind's blowing.

It's just fine.

You see, that doesn't work for me.

I run hot, especially if cute girls are around.

Drop it, Jr. We'll point an industrial-strength fan

at your table during the con.

Are you happy?

No.

When will your husband be back because I'd

really like to go over some particulars

before we make a decision?

Well, he'll be around later.

He's got a-- a bad case of saddle sores,

so he's icing down his Netherlands

and other parts and all that stuff.

But he'll be around later.

You know what, screw it.

We're going to trust you, ma'am.

We're going to take you at your word.

Y'all ready for this?

This is the new site of the Desert Fiends Fan Fest.

All right.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

All right, ma'am.

Let's do it.

Yeah.

It's just fine. - What happened to this thing?

Nah.

Oh, it's just-- it's just perfect.

Don't you worry your pretty little head.

- Oh, my god. - There you go.

Just sign on there. - Let me sign them.

Let me sign them. All right.

Everybody, sign.

You can go ahead.

All right.

Here you go.

And, oh.

Oh, you got your own pen, huh?

Hey, can I sign that?

No, Kevin.

The adults are busy here.

Go away.

That's no fair.

Shawn's signed it.

He only put an X.

That's because I can't read, write, or spell, you anus.

Oh, you know that, Kevin.

Get out of here. Get out of here, Kevin.

- Get out of here, you asshole. - Out of control.

I don't think this is legal or binding.

But I'll just sign it anyway.

Go kick your dad's ass, Jr.

All right.

Give me a high five.

- calm down. - There you go.

Yeah. There you go, girl.

Let's do it.

Let's do it. - Let's go, guys.

Thank you so much. - Let's do it.

Calling all mutants.

I've got big news, big, big, big news.

How do you cure atypical genitalia?

Huh?

You know.

No.

Nothing like that.

Circus is in town?

No, but you're getting closer.

Desert Fiends Fan Fest here.

It's coming here.

Whatever.

How are we going to get there?

I've tried to hitchhike.

And these fucking truck drivers, the minute they see us,

they just keep fucking going.

Nope. No.

No.

I don't want anything to do with this.

No. No.

No.

It's right here in our own backyard.

The fan fest is at Lloyd's barn.

I just met with the people who put this shit together.

Oh, Chauncy, even stupider in person.

Was Parker there?

Oh, I'd love to kill him.

No. No.

No.

We don't have time for that.

We've got-- we've got things to plan.

We've got-- we've got hookers to kill.

Let's get it together. Let's go.

Come on.

Hey, one more.

No.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

This is upsetting. - Let's go kill some people.

Let's go. - OK.

I'm going to fart on them.

Fiend Fest-- in our backyard.

Let's go.

Goddamn, woman.

That was a hell of a sex session.

My little bunny.

Well, maybe-- maybe next time, I could use my pecker?

It ain't bent that much.

I could, like, come in from an angle.

Yes, definitely next time.

Oh, business.

Oh, shit, how much do I owe you?

It's on the house, honey.

But why don't you get out of here?

You got some pussy on your face.

I'm about to lose my lunch.

Sweeter than sugar.

Smells like-- smells like freshly-cut honeysuckle.

Goddamn.

Now's our chance, fiend boys.

Come on.

Oh, yeah.

Darn, I forgot to bring a weapon.

You are pathetic.

Well, how is my favorite working girl

on this fine evening?

That guy sure took a long time to nut.

He's one of my regulars.

He has major ED and Peyronie's disease.

Poor bastard.

All that water, not a drop to drink.

I don't mind.

Sometimes I just like talking to them.

OK, good one.

What did you guys talk about? His low T?

His ED?

His bentwood?

Oh, Percy, you would never understand.

First of all, that's Big Pimpin' Percy to you, hoe.

OK, sorry.

Sometimes I forget.

Where's my scratch?

You spent two hours with that.

I didn't charge him.

He eats my kitty so good, I think I'm in love.

Yeah.

Maybe it's my turn to taste the kitty.

Percy, you know you never get high off your own supply.

Maybe just this once.

Hey, uh-- so, is your lady still open for business?

Me and my brother, we're looking to spend big, you know?

We want the works.

Of course she is.

Bunny, it looks like you got a new shift.

And uh, put on a happy face.

Whatever.

Hi, boys. What are you interested in?

Bukkake?

Cream pie?

Double penetration?

Cowgirl?

I'm all ears.

No, nothing like that.

You don't want a threesome?

Nope.

You see, we're flat down there.

Let's show her, Jasper.

I don't think you went deep enough.

You want to-- oh.

Oh.

She was able to pull It out

Yeah.

I thought it would just kill her.

Well, you were wrong.

She is good.

Hey, stud.

Is, uh, this where I sign up to be a lady of the night?

You?

You are way too prim and proper to be

walking these desert streets.

I was the most well-respected lot lizard in my younger years.

No shit.

Mhm.

Well, you remember how to do it,

or you want me to show you the ropes?

Well, maybe I am a little rusty.

All right.

Well, first, you're going to have to learn how to sweet talk,

OK?

No guy is going to get into a car

with a girl who sounds like she's on the rag.

Got it.

Second, if you're working for me,

there's no past or future king.

No one is above me.

Yes, King.

Thirdly, all right?

If a guy comes too early, no refunds, all right?

It's not your fault that he can't last the full half hour.

OK.

Lastly, I get a taste whenever and wherever I want.

No ifs, ands, or booty buts.

Got it.

Well, welcome then.

Thank you.

Mhm.

I don't know what to do.

She's not dying.

Shit for brains!

Does Miss Harlow have to do everything for you?

Yeah.

It'd probably help.

That should be you two lying there.

You both are worthless, little defunct genital boys.

Oh.

That's mean.

I don't.

Harlow, maybe-- maybe it's time we start

maybe talking to other people.

Oh, no.

You don't break up with me.

I break up with you, dickless wonder boy.

Uh, question.

Who keeps the TV in the divorce?

We were never married, dumbass.

Look, don't follow me.

Find your own way home, and when you get back there,

pack your shit up.

I am so done with you freeloaders.

But I thought you said I was the best eater in town.

That I gave you pure pleasure.

I lied.

Those fucking corrupt higher ups.

I can't believe they got me out here

in the middle of east bumblefuck to slug

out a couple criminally insane.

This isn't why I joined the force.

These two men mean no harm.

Shit, I should know.

Please, take us home.

I'm missing my favorite soap opera.

Smash!

Well, at least one of them's nonviolent.

I'll be good, I swear.

Yes.

God damn it.

You're too fucking short.

This fucking desert.

This is bullshit.

Fuck.

Can you feel it all around you.

Fuck it.

I fucked that up.

Ah, thank you.

Thank you.

Dig it.

Snap your fingers.

Prehistoric horizon, huh?

Eric.

Eric, let's get a few shots together.

You scared me.

I almost dropped my shake.

Sorry, I thought you were a vegan.

Lies. All lies, believe me.

Oh, my goodness.

Mr. Roberts, it's so nice to see you again.

I know it is.

I'm Brink.

I'm the event organizer.

If you need anything, you just come let me know, OK.

- Thank you so much. - We'll take good care of you.

Thank you.

Oh, my God, Mr. Roberts.

I'm your biggest fan.

I've seen all your movies.

Sharktopus, and that one where you turn into a giant racehorse.

Can you sign my t-shirt?

Sure, I can.

Can we get a selfie?

Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

No free selfies.

No free autographs.

Photo ops are $80.

That's a steal.

What's the catch?

He only takes flattering angles.

Nothing chin up.

He has to have approval on everything.

We had a situation at the drugstore.

What kind of situation?

Our boy Eric had used facilities.

We found out they were for employees only.

A couple choice words were thrown.

We're lucky the cops weren't called.

When gossip sites report that, you know how expensive

it is to take it down?

It's all good.

I got Eric a special milkshake.

He should be calm for a couple of hours now.

Dad, this place smells funny.

Junior, you're probably just smelling your upper lip again.

Just plug your nose.

No, it smells funny.

So, miss, who's this celebrity we're supposed to be protecting?

Don't be dense, Ricky.

She's obviously the celebrity.

Look at that fabulous outfit.

I'm not a celebrity yet.

You'll be protecting Eric Arter.

He's the star of Runway Plane and Star 90.

He's right over there.

Patty cake, patty cake, baker's man.

Bake me a cake as fast as you can.

You gotta roll it, spin it, and mark it with a B.

And give it to you, and baby, and me.

Yeah, there we go.

Is that guy a few cards short of a full deck?

He's been that way as long as I've known him.

What exactly are we protecting him from?

Believe it or not, Eric has some rabid fans.

What do they do?

Mostly steal his clothes and sell his used panties

on the internet.

It's true.

I saw once someone replaced his vape juice with grape soda.

The dumbass didn't even know.

Wasn't that you, Shawn?

- Wasn't me. - Shawn.

Shawn.

Oh, my God.

Look look, I just made replica "A hole is a hole"

t-shirts for the film.

Oh, boy.

Do you maybe want to use it for the promo?

No, can you leave me the fuck alone?

Are you trying to give me a full fucking shut down?

Fuck off with you and your stupid goddamn shirt, asshole.

Man, this guy's as bad as Eric.

Eric Roberts is my favorite film star.

He's the source and inspiration of my own film career.

Are you kidding me?

Eric Roberts is a national treasure.

Oh, you're perfect.

My angels, I love you so, so much.

Gotta look good.

I want Harlow to see me and be fucking jealous

or miss me or something.

I want her to want me back.

You think this shirt looks OK?

It's an extra medium.

No.

I think I still rock it pretty well.

What is that, some kind of fucking horror host late night

old timey folk?

No, this is Herbie the Ghouly.

He's a legend.

Whatever.

Looks like fucking girl repellent to me.

You gotta fucking get a uniform.

That way chicks know you're a man.

A fucking determination and structure.

Same thing every day.

What is that cologne you're wearing,

date rapist or supreme gentleman?

Maybe both.

We're here today at the Desert Fiends Fan Fest,

the first annual gathering of some of the most

dedicated fans of this film.

Let's learn more.

We'll go first.

The missus and I, we hold a special place

in our hearts for the fiends.

Yeah, like Walter proposed halfway through the film.

I believe it was during the slaying of the alien watcher

group, but it was so romantic.

Like, how could I say no?

Hi, mom.

I'm the first graduate from Pussy Licker Academy

to make it on TV.

Let's hear from another superfan.

How about you?

Me?

I'm Lenny.

Just speak from your soul.

I'm nervous.

I should have never gone last.

That's a tough act to follow.

I love the fiends.

Oh, I think I'm going to barf.

Eric, don't be such a sourpuss.

Lunch is free.

Fans are here.

The world is your oyster.

I have an idea.

Why don't you lick my hairy asshole?

Wait a second.

Who is this guy?

Was he even in the original Fiends?

He was actually a concert attendee.

I should know.

I was a guy behind a DJ booth playing the Callie

Belland's cassette tape.

Wasn't-- wasn't he the guy who ate the drugged

chocolate chip cookies?

You know I can hear you assholes all the way over here.

I was none of those things that you guys said.

I was that 500 pounds extra that no one paid any attention to.

But I dropped the fork, and I hit the gym.

Now, Turbo Jones, he's ready for war.

War, baby!

Woo!

Mr. Jones, you're so gorgeous.

May I just press those chiseled abs.

Oh, you want a shot at the title, don't you, baby?

What's your name again, toots?

Excuse me?

What's your name, toots?

Um, Rose.

Well, bitch, be gone.

What the fuck did you just say?

You heard me. Poof.

See, that's what I mean.

You need to take a lesson from Turbo Jones.

That's motivation right there.

Turbo Jones.

Turbo Jones grabs the bull by the horns

and overcomes obstacles.

Obstacles.

Well, what a rush!

Animal and Hawk is my heroes.

Me too.

This must be the place.

Funny.

Nobody even asked us for a ticket.

Event must be free.

I like free.

I like free.

Shawn, this convention is a fucking disaster.

Nobody's taking tickets.

We don't have any air conditioning.

It's hot as fuck.

We don't have drinks.

People are passing out all over the place.

What are we going to do?

I don't know or care. You know why?

Because I'm far too famous for this,

so leave me the fuck alone.

We're going to be on the news.

We don't want that kind of publicity, for fuck's sake

Oh, hey, guys.

How's it going?

Hi, Shawn.

Hi.

Do you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend?

I'm your horniest fan.

No, I'm sorry.

I'm asexual.

Oh, well, I have a sexual offer for you.

Have you ever tried a half gummy?

No, I can't say I have.

I know you're curious.

Well, hey, if you change your mind, I'll be at the

Don't Overlook It hotel, room 237.

No.

No, I don't think I'll be doing that.

Oh, you might.

No, I don't think so.

When you made those Amityville movies,

did you ever bring a curse back home with you?

No.

I got banned from a few conventions.

That's about it.

My man.

My man.

Hey.

Levi, he's my brother.

He's somewhere around here.

Have you seen him?

He's-- he's off his meds.

Well, good luck with that.

I have no idea.

Hey, man, I think you owe me money

for not including my footage during the credits thingy.

I know it was shot in 240p but I mean, come on.

I'll fire the editor for you, OK?

Have a good day, guys.

Goodbye.

Bye, Shawn. Bye, Shawn.

I love you.

Loser.

Loser.

Loser.

Has been.

Never was.

You know, you would think that after enough years of shit pay,

these people would be flipping burgers.

I cannot wait until my creation's free,

the change, and I get to watch the bloodbath unfold.

This doesn't look right.

This dickhead mask doesn't fit this guy's noggin.

You're the same actor, right?

What did you do, leave the mask in the sun or something?

Oh, I gotta come clean now.

I'm not the OG D head.

I'm a replacement.

Damn, dude, I didn't even notice.

Man, how did you not notice the size of my cabasa?

It's twice the size of the first guy's.

I wear a size 8 baseball hat, and it's still too damn tight.

Whatever happened to the first guy?

Man, he was such a Casanova.

Homina, homina.

Last I heard, he got a great promotion at the pickle factory.

No, he got sacrificed by a killer

short stack with extra syrup.

Well, I'm just glad I was able to track down this close replica

of the first costume.

Hard to find bondage like this for a guy my size.

Who's this character?

What's your name?

I play Nippy.

I was hoping you could go easy on the spirit gum today.

When there's too much, my nipples chafe.

So much for a contest, when I thought we'd

at least get a fruit basket.

Hey, will you just hold the fan and blow, bro?

I guess like the old saying goes, never meet your heroes.

Hey, my right pit needs a little air.

This is riddick.

You know what riddick is?

Huh?

A seasoned professional like myself, at my age,

sitting in a makeup chair, about to get a rubber

pussy plastered to my face.

That's ridiculous.

Buster in the house.

Don't forget Ellen.

Time for a photo op.

Hey, it's time for you to get a watch.

Photo ops aren't for another hour.

Can we just wait here?

Not unless you want to get choked up by a very

sweaty man with a sore pussy.

Cool.

We'll come back.

Was that too much?

No, that's good.

All right.

Shawn Phillips autograph.

The autistic fuck signed it on the back.

Excuse me.

Is Tom Arnold or Scout Taylor-Compton here?

Who the fuck are they?

I don't know.

Who the fuck are you?

Who the fuck are these people?

I don't know any of these fucks.

I'm in the middle of the desert, and I'm--

I thought I was going to see Scout, man.

All these people make me money.

They pay my bills.

I do whatever the fuck I want.

And who the fuck are you?

You coming in here looking like a walking blueberry.

I'm sensitive.

Fuck you.

Bye.

I love all these actors.

They're all celebrities to me. - All right, buddy.

ATM's right over there. Get in line.

Get money.

Spend it.

Doctor Adrian Lowe, I need your guidance.

I'm about ready to have a--

a full crash out here.

This convention, it's a mess.

What seems to be the problem, William?

I just needed a shoulder to cry on.

But these bastards put me in a b-list actor's tent,

and I'm a star, dammit.

I mean, I was on a quest.

I got an axe in my head.

Well, William, maybe it's time that you accept that you're

more of a background extra.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, maybe it's time I think about paying

you for advice anymore.

Your last check bounced anyway.

I had to ask your employer to garnish your wages.

Well, that explains why I had to put

those four cartons of chocolate milk back at the grocery store.

Have a nice life.

What's wrong?

My self-help therapist just dumped me.

Well, maybe I can help.

I've heard I have a good head on my shoulders.

Guillermo's table looks great.

Franklin will be so proud.

Hey, you.

What?

How many times have I told you?

No hobos in the tent.

No, Guillermo not homeless.

Guillermo a big actor.

You're coming with us.

No, I don't want to go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Guys, guys.

Hey, you better unhand that poor boy.

I can vouch for him.

He was a featured walk on in the first film.

As a matter of fact, he's my favorite character

from the Callie Belland's--

Belland's audience scenes.

Thank you.

When the world ends, I won't eat you.

It's always a good day when somebody doesn't try to eat me.

Look, you're just making it difficult.

We know a bum when we smell one.

Oh, you better unhand him, buddy, because you're

going to have to answer to me.

And I'm the unhinged cosplayer, Byron.

Whatever.

No.

Let me go.

How you doing, man?

Thank you.

All right, I got your back.

Friends forever.

Friends forever.

Yeah.

Woo.

Woo.

Fun.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why are they fucking with Guillermo?

He's an actor in this film.

They shouldn't be messing with him.

Check it out.

It's our favorite kill from the first film.

Dickhead was a real heart eater.

Hi, yeah.

My name is Jalynn.

So, what are you guys, some sort of new cult?

We're the desert fiend superfans.

Oh, cool.

So, a new type of following, I see.

Too bad this con is such a wash.

Yeah, when we first showed up, we

thought there was, like, a sewer leakage or something,

and that they had rescheduled it.

I guess Desert Fiends is more of a niche than we thought.

I have all the desert drugs you could ever want.

Mescaline, peyote, and all the pharmaceuticals you can snort.

Screw it. Trip.

Let's go.

I'm with you.

Fucking dope heads.

Can't let this fall off the table.

Look at this.

Looks like we got ourselves a little pow wow.

We love a good potluck.

It's a potluck, all right.

What'd you boys bring?

Oh, well, I brought duster.

It's more than just an indie band, you know.

This stuff'll make you hear colors.

Woo.

Just don't freeze your nose hairs.

That's weak sauce, man.

Yeah, and I got a cigarette dipped

in Colorado River Toad semen.

You smoke this, you go to outer space.

Literally.

What's good.

Are there any twats around here?

I'm looking for a pretty ass white bitch

who doesn't mind this.

It's the kid that got his block

knocked off in the first film.

I wondered if he'd ever show up.

Looks like I just found my dartboard.

What the fuck?

Damn.

You know, Kevin, if you're ever bored in your marriage,

I'd love to take a walk on the wild side with you.

I don't think so.

Nicole and I are very happy.

Oh, sure.

That's what they all say.

If you feel like you're being held captive, just blink twice.

I'll call the private jet.

Just let me know.

Oh, no.

That's just-- that's just dry eyes.

Damn desert air.

You know, I'm a big time jet setter now.

We'll call the private jet and go enjoy some mousse

chocolate on the banks of Nice.

Let me know.

Code red.

Code blue.

All the damn codes.

We have criminals in our midst.

What now?

Jesus.

What's going on?

Calm down.

Drug-- drug use.

Is that it?

Are you serious right now?

You realize we're at a horror convention.

These guys are all potheads.

Yeah, but they're trying to-- they're trying

to corrupt a minor.

Wait, what's his name.

Junior? JR?

Oh, shit. Shit.

I forgot.

Oh, shit.

Junior!

Hey, haven't you heard?

Snitches get stitches.

What a dumbass.

I don't got time to deal with that right now.

There's so much fucking--

in here--

That's the fucking thanks I get?

Ear rape?

That guy was a fucking blowhard.

I guess that means that you get to die, too.

Smile.

Say, cheese.

I don't have any reason to smile.

What's wrong?

Those masks, they look like utter shit.

Nothing like the film.

That's the magic of movie making.

I didn't come here to be insulted for my makeup work.

Who do you think you are, you fucking bitch?

I've been working long hours with dry oatmeal

just to make the fiends look good for the photo ops.

Look, let me just take your photo.

Once you post it on social media, then I can get paid.

I only post cartoon pics of animals on the internet.

This is going to be a long fucking day.

This is what we fucking paid for?

Shitty dollar store costumes?

It's not so bad.

At least you get to see the actors and the masks.

That's pretty cool.

Dudes, who fucking cares?

We're getting our pictures taken with the fiends.

My fucking cut.

Hole in one.

Ooh, Daddy.

Ooh, that hurts so good.

Dad, accept the call. It's me.

It's not a boy.

Hey, Dad.

The desert fiends are real.

They're all over the place.

They killed some dude.

They blew up one dude's dick.

This dude fucked a fucking cane full of green slime.

Dad, get down here.

Bring all your deputies. Bring the SWAT team.

Call NYPD.

They can kill everyone with impunity.

Just get the fuck down here Oh my god.

Get down here

Fuck.

Oh, hi, Mom. Yeah.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'll clean my mouth up for Thanksgiving.

Appreciate it. See you then.

Tell Grandma I love her.

Bye.

This toad's seeming some good shit.

Hey, kid.

Can't be smoking that.

Give me that.

Junior, what did I tell you about running off?

Giving my kid drugs?

- Bitch. - Junior.

There you are.

I was looking all over for you.

You're stupid, stupid, stupid.

You're sleeping on the couch. Listen to me.

You can't go running off.

You gave him drugs?

running off.

There's tons of weirdos and druggies here.

You got it?

Yeah.

Sib tap him.

Oh, god, Levi!

Wow.

The king of good times.

This is fucking great.

Tell that to the nurse I stuffed down the laundry chute.

Oh.

Where?

You're just like us, Levi.

Where did you do that?

Up my butt.

Ah!

You got a butt and a penis.

Who said I have a penis, Daddy?

La-dee-dee, la-dee-da.

Whoo.

So before the break, you were telling us about your role

in the first film.

What was that like?

Mr. Banner, let me tell you, this is a good role.

I love me some rhubarb pie.

I prefer French silk pie myself.

Hey, we're doing an interview over here.

You guys look great.

Is this some sort of costume play I've been hearing about?

Well, folks, it seems these guys really

like to stay in character.

Hey, hey, Mr. Banner, get up.

Get up. We have an interview to finish.

When am I going to be on TV?

When's this going to happen?

Well, if you stay there.

Bobby, we love you.

You're, like, our favorite future cult leader.

How can you love a--

a hollow shell of a soul trapped inside a spoiled meat sack?

Look, man, here's the point.

Can we just get a photo?

Keep that paper money.

I vibrate on a higher frequency.

Now, I prefer an ancient sigil etched into moonstone.

Do you have one of those?

Thanks a lot.

Walter.

Eric, I just loved you in that movie about

the little girl and that-- that little dog,

that-- that dog that she--

she befriended.

Lost and Found. Good movie.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

It was in Old--

Old Town-- what was it--

Florida.

It's called Lost and Found.

Oh, oh.

Here we go.

Hold that camera a little bit higher for a good picture.

There you go.

Nice shot.

Wow, he's so good with his fans.

Seems like a chill guy.

Yeah, I don't know.

I heard he's addicted to chocolate milk.

Mm, what?

I might have mentioned that you were

addicted to chocolate milk.

That's an old family secret. Please don't spread that around.

Thank you.

Sorry, I didn't know that.

OK, well, it is.

I apologize.

OK.

How'd you find that out?

Google.

Google.

Oh, I'm a fan.

I apologize if I said anything that offended you.

OK.

Ah!

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Hey, you want to go get some wings after this?

My treat.

I don't know, man.

Maybe we should do something about this shit.

What the fuck now?

Jesus Christ.

Can't a man take a fucking shit?

What the fuck is happening?

Fucking someone's making trouble.

Time for some steel fucking justice.

Time to bring the fucking thunder.

Jack?

Go home.

Some shit's about to go down.

You don't want any of this smoke.

What are you doing?

Put the gun down.

You're not in a film set.

This is real life.

Put the gun away.

Shawn, You need to get the fuck out of here.

Some shit's about to go down.

This is my own fucking holy war.

Go!

All right, all right, all right.

He has a gun. He has a gun.

Jack's got a gun.

Got a gun.

I'm coming for you, motherfucker.

Let's see if you can outrun your destiny, bitch!

Ah!

Hey, you guys.

Jesus Christ.

It's a total fucking bloodbath.

Take this.

You want to fight?

Ooh.

Bam.

Ugh.

You're cutting my hands up like a Christmas goose.

You're fucking up my outfit.

Lights out, freak show.

Shit.

I did it.

I'm a real hero!

Oh, fuck. This gun is hot.

I gotta get rid of it.

I'm happy we stopped killing.

I'm more of a lover than a fighter.

A lover?

Jasper, we're just both two dickless wonders

trapped in this world.

I'm glad we're BFFs now.

This was the best 72-hour release

from the psych ward ever.

I knew you two pussies wouldn't go through with it.

I guess Mama had to teach you just how hot the stove gets.

Ah, it's no sweat off my taint.

I think it's time we part ways.

You'll be back.

OK.

Hey, Nathan, you dickhead.

I knew I smelled something half baked,

and it wasn't a fucking pot dealer.

Thought I lost your ass at the club back in '99.

That's the last time you fit in that shirt, you fat fuck.

You've got nuts on your chin, sir.

You have chin nuts.

You have my nuts on your chin.

But you can't find it for all that grizzly bear looking,

Bigfoot ass beard you got on.

You know this desert's big enough for two sets

of fun police, don't you, hoe?

But you ruin it for everybody because you're not a fun police.

You're a fun po-lice.

Guys, he's going to be fine.

He's just a wuss.

Look, if you can't handle the odor of a strong man,

then you need to get out of the house rave.

What are you, some sort of super sexy DJ?

Well, actually, yeah.

I mean, I mostly DJ at sports bars and middle school dances,

but one of these days, I dream of performing at a festival.

What a dream boat.

I'd love to watch you spin sometime.

Well, I'm actually a scratcher, but you're on.

All right.

Yeah.

Shimmy, shimmy, ko-ko bop

Shimmy, shimmy, nah

Hey, wait a minute.

Did I hear someone say "protect your neck"?

Do I need protection from you, peon?

What are you smoking?

Do you have any, what is it, bearberry leaves

and red willow bark?

Dude, we have to go to the dealer's tent for that.

I'm so confused.

What the first half the movie, or the second half the movie?

What was the movie?

And then more disturbing news today--

reports have come in of two mental

patients who are missing from the Weinberg mental hospital.

It appears that they have vanished without a trace.

Those desert fiends have struck again.

Now, horror conventions are no longer safe.

I'm going to try to go out to the desert

and find one of those assholes or dickheads

and bring that motherfucker in.

What are we going to do at Indie Horror Z News

without Eric R?

He's our god.

As a police officer and two mental

health patients began killing people

just outside in the desert.

Before I was a reporter, I acted in movies.

I'm glad I stopped.

Imagine me, in one like this one.

Don't go there, people.

Don't go there.

It's bad.

Bad, bad.

Fiends, I hate you, you're ugly.

Come and find me, please.

The desert fiends are monsters.

When are we going to stop talking about them?

News is coming in about a group of influencers

killed in violent ways.

That movie Desert Fiends, it's a piece of crap.

Nobody wants to watch that.

Do a crazy TikTok-style dance.

It's hard to pick which Desert Fiends movie I like better.

Desert Fiends is a pure classic film.

So you're one of those people that thought a convention

for that movie was a good idea.

I'm so glad I ate that bad shellfish

and missed that horrible convention.

I like the fiends.

I want to send them after my ex-boyfriends.

I heard a rumor that the desert fiends

are going to be going to space.

Normally, you don't do that till, like, part 10.

Let this be the end of those Fiends movies.

Those movies are bringing out the real monsters.

If I'm going to pay to work with someone,

it's going to be attractive people,

not vile, disgusting fiends.

Why didn't we got to that convention?

Why?

Because we-- it was a washout.

We could have died.

Now more people are missing just like my brother.

He is still lost since Amityville Bigfoot.

I want to see these fiends up close and personal.

I hope I don't get randy when I see them.

I'm so glad Tom Arnold did not go to that convention.

Man, I'm glad he's safe and sound at home.

So close to going to that convention.

And then I watched part one.

Kai, you are my hero.

This one is for you.

This is for you, Kai.

And now we have to worry about bandits of people disappearing

people or something.

I want to join the fight.

I want to kill those fiends.

Oh, smile.

That's $10, $15, $20.

I'm not one of those guys.

I can't believe they didn't invite

me to that fiends convention.

I had a crazy fight scene with that a-hole guy.

God, I wish I went to the convention,

but I got a damn flat tire.

I think the fiends are all kind of cute.

I mean, I've seen way worse.

Today, we are mourning the loss of the legend

Kai, the blind dancer.

He used to love hot sauce, so--

I really don't even know why my husband wanted

to go to that convention.

We could have died there.

I guess he just wants to make the news.

And I really can't stand influencers.

I'm glad the fiends took care of them.

I've just been trying to figure

out who my favorite fiend is.

Now I'm thinking Papa Pussy Face.

I wish I could have tried that candy that Kai was pushing.

Yeah, I wonder what that was like.

These desert fiends are so gross, all so damn offensive.

I mean, oh my god, why?

Those movies are pure trash.

I can't believe my husband went out there

looking for those fiends.

Well, I hope they find his ass.

I would have taken those mutants out.

I would have taken their faces, put it under my armpits,

and smash their heads.

I'm going to kill every single one of you.

Fiends, fiends.

This group hunting these fiends couldn't screw in a light bulb.

Horror movie conventions are dangerous.

Horror movies are bad.

I heard someone died at the fiends convention.

Yeah.

From boredom.

You fuckers took my friends.

And now I'm going to come kill you.

You couldn't pay me to go to a convention

for Desert Fiends fans.

This is just nuts.

Look straight ahead.

It's famous director Shawn C.

You think if I asked him nicely, he'd sign my butt?

Heck, yeah, he would.

Babe, this is like a once in a lifetime meeting.

Maybe we can both have him in our arms

and we can get it tatted after the convention.

If you're looking to get tatted, I'm your plug.

75% of the time, my ink doesn't reject.

You think I'm going to trust you.

You know I've seen huffing paint in the parking lot earlier?

Sorry, sorry.

That was me.

I'm a nervous autograph hound, and sometimes I

just need a really good huff of my paint pens.

I'll put it in a protective for you.

Actually, it's latex and silicone.

Oh, whatever the fuck.

Just go easy on the glues and the sprays.

On Desert Fiends 1, we had this guy Derek Yodel.

He wore a half shirt tube top the whole time.

Burned off my eyebrows and screwed up my eyes.

We caught him doing the deed with a plaster

cast of someone's boobs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you sure that wasn't my boob head?

Who's next?

Me.

I'm A-hole.

Actually, Rain, you think you can make

my whole extra puckered today?

I'm so tired of it looking loose all the time.