Original subtitles

.

- Will and Grace is shot

before a live studio audience.

- [yawns]

- Morning!

- Morning.

What did you do?

- I bought you a present.

- Grace...

Grace!

- I wanted to surprise you. I--

[yelps] I--I installed it myself--

- I can see that!

Did you turn off the main water line?

- No.

- Did you turn off the dishwasher?

- No. - Did you do anything?

- I came to get you.

- Go grab towels!

I ca--

Look, I say this with love, but--

sometimes living with you is like being stuck

inside an episode of "I Love Lucy."

- Well, yeah, 'cause I'm the kooky redhead

everyone loves, and you're the guy who overreacts

to every little thing I do.

- You're comparing me to Ricky?

Oh, I'll take that as a compliment.

He was always my favorite.

- That's 'cause you had a crush on him.

- I mean, sure, he's the origin story

of my love of men with black hair and a high-waisted pant.

But, my favorite, because Desi was just as much

of a genius as Lucy was, except that everything he did,

he did to make her shine.

Anyway, it's not a perfect analogy.

I mean, we're not married. I'm not Cuban.

There's no Fred and Ethel popping in.

- Hey, neighbors.

- Oh, look, Jackie. Will finally gave Grace a bath.

- Wait, does this mean you're not making us breakfast,

because that's kind of the only reason we're here.

- Sorry, Fred and Ethel. Kitchen's kind of closed.

- I knew the health department

would shut this place down eventually.

- Fred and Ethel?

- We were having a whole "I Love Lucy" discussion.

Will is obviously a Ricky.

- Oh, Will is totally a Ricky.

- And I think we all know

who the Lucy is.

- Totally.

[together] It's me. You?

That's crazy. I'm Lucy.

- Aye, aye, aye.

[upbeat trumpet and piano music]

♪

[old-timey trumpet music]

- Lucy!

- Is that you, sweetie-pie?

Oh, gee, I'm glad you're home.

How about a great big--

I'll see you later.

- Lucy.

Come here.

- What's the matter?

- I stopped by the bank

on the way home and they showed me this:

your check to the beauty parlor.

- But I write a check to the beauty parlor every month.

- Yes, I know that, but they don't always have

a little note on the back like this one.

"Dear Teller, be a lamb,

and don't put this through till next month."

- [groans]

That's why they call them "tellers."

They go around blabbing everything they know.

- Lucy.

Do you realize how tough it is

for a guy to make a buck these days?

You think that the money grows on trees?

- No.

- Well, we'll see you later. Come on, Fred.

- No, no. No, no. Come on, come in, sit down.

- No, thanks. I went to the fights last night.

- Fred, please. Come in, will you?

- Come in, Ethel.

- Fred, tell me something, would you?

How often is Ethel's checking account overdrawn?

- Never.

- Never? How do you manage that?

- It's easy.

I never had enough money at one time

to open a checking account.

- [laughs]

- What?

She spends money like I was printing it in the basement.

- "Printing it in the basement." [scoffs]

- Let's face it, Rick.

When it comes to money, there are two kinds of people:

the earners and the spenders,

or as they are more popularly known,

husbands and wives.

- Yeah, brother, if they had to make the dough,

they would think twice before spending it that fast.

- Yeah.

- Holding down a job is a lot more difficult

than lying around the house all day long.

- Lying around the house? Is that all you think we do?

- Yeah.

- Well, now, let's face it, Rick.

Every once in a while,

they get up and play Canasta.

- What's so tough about earning a living?

- Yeah.

- Have you ever done it?

- No, but I could.

- [laughs] I'd like to see you try.

- Okay. I will.

- You will?

- Yeah.

- Well, this I gotta see.

- Honey, what is this?

- Okay, Joe.

I'm ready to rehearse the commercial.

Stuff any good?

- Well, it ought to be. It's got everything in it--

meat, vegetables, minerals, vitamins,

alcohol 23%.

Alcohol 23%?

- I'm Ross Elliot, the director.

Let's run through it. - Yes, sir.

- Now, you stand right over here.

And remember, be bright and vivacious.

- Yes, sir.

Hello, friends.

I'm your Vitameatavegamin girl.

Are you tired, run-down, listless?

Do you poop out at parties?

Are you unpopular?

The answer to all your problems is in this little bottle.

- Now, you pick up the bottle. - Oh.

- Little higher. That's right.

- The answer to all your problems

is in this little bottle.

Vitameatavegamin.

Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat,

vegetables, and minerals.

Yes, with Vitameatavegamin,

you can spoon your way to health.

All you do is take a tablespoon after every meal.

- Now, you take some. - Oh.

It's so tasty, too.

Just like candy.

- No, no, no, no.

Look, you're supposed to like the stuff.

You've got to smile and be happy.

Now try it again. - Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

It's so tasty, too.

- Nope, once more.

- [sighs]

[sighs]

It's so tasty, too.

It's just like candy.

- That's going to be fine. Go ahead.

- Okay.

So, why don't you join the thousands

of happy-peppy people, and get a great big bottle

of Vitameatavegamin tomorrow.

That's Vita-meata-vegamin.

- Well, now you've got the feeling.

Now, I'd like to try it once more, only this time,

faster and brighter.

- Faster and brighter. Okay.

[hiccups] Oh.

Well, pardon--pardon me.

- From "It's so tasty, too."

- It's so tasty, too. Yes, sir.

It's so tasty, too.

Just like candy.

You know, this stuff tastes pretty good

once you get used to it.

- Yes, I know,

but would you go ahead, please?

It's so tasty, too.

- Oh. Okay.

It's so tasty, too.

So...

So, uh...

I don't where to start unless I begin at the beginning.

- All right, start at the beginning.

- Oh, thank you.

[exhales]

Hello, friends.

I'm your Vitameatavegamin girl.

Are you tired, run-down, listless?

Do you poop out at parties?

Are you unpopular?

The answer to all your problems

is in this bittle lottle-- uh, little bottle.

- Are you feeling all right?

- Oh, I feel fine.

- Would you mind trying it just once more, please?

- [drowsily] Oh, no, sir.

It's perfectly all right.

- Now, we're going to time it this time.

Are you ready? - Mm-hmm.

- Go.

- You know, you're awfully nice.

- Thank you. Would you go ahead, please?

- Hmm.

Well, I'm your Vitaveatavegavac girl!

Are you tired, run-down, listless?

Do you pop out at parties?

Are you unpoopular?

Well, are you?

The answer to all your problems

is in this little old bottle.

[slurring] Vitameatavegamin.

That's it.

Vitameatavegamin contains

vitamins, meat, megetables, and vinnerals.

You have to take a whole tablespoon after every meal.

[vibrant trumpet music]

.

- Look at me.

I went as Lucy for Halloween last year.

- So did I.

- Grace also attempted a "Slutty Lucy" in college

that ended in tears.

- So did I.

- Well, have either of you

ever fought an Italian woman

in a giant vat of alcohol?

Because I have, many times.

And that's all Lucy ever did!

- That was one episode.

- Yeah?

Well, that's the only one I ever saw, and that's all she did.

[old-timey trumpet music]

- Lucy! - Is that you, sweetie-pie?

[humming tune]

How's about a great big--

I'll see you later. - Lucy.

I stopped by the bank

and they showed me your check to the beauty parlor.

"Dear Teller, be a lamb,

and don't put this through till next month."

- That's why they call them "tellers."

They go around blabbing everything they know.

- Lucy, do you realize how tough it is

for a guy to make a buck these days?

You think that money grows on trees?

- Well, we'll see you later. - Yeah.

I went to the fights last night.

- Fred, Fred. Come in, please, will you?

Tell me something.

How often is Ethel's checking account overdrawn?

- Never. - Never?

- I never had enough money to open a checking account.

- [laughs]

- There are two kinds of people:

the earners and the spenders,

or as they are more popularly known

as husbands and wives.

- Holding down a job is a lot more difficult

than lying around the house all day long.

- Well, every once in a while,

they get up to play Canasta.

- What's so tough about earning a living?

- Yeah, I could do it.

- [laughs] I'd like to see you try.

- Okay. I will.

- This, I gotta see.

[old-timey trumpet music]

Tu!

[grapes squelching]

- [groans]

[giggles]

- [speaking Italian]

- [labored breathing]

- No, I'm-a pooped.

- [speaking Italian]

- [groans]

[sighs]

- [grunts]

[both grunting]

- [yells]

- [grunting]

[both grunting]

- [sighs] - [yells]

[old-timey trumpet music]

.

- There's no way anyone

would compare you to Lucy over me.

You don't even have red hair.

- Well, in fairness-- - It used to be natural.

- Uh, cello?

How can either of you say that

you're more like Lucy than I am?

Always getting into hijinks, married to a Latin hunk,

adorable in a polka dot dress with a capped sleeve.

- Oh, great.

Now we have to say that a boy can be Lucy, too?

What's next? Equal rights?

It's madness!

[old-timey trumpet music]

- Lucy! - Is that you, sweetie-pie?

Oh, gee, I'm glad you're--

[groans]

- Lucy, I stopped by the bank.

"Dear Teller, be a lamb,

and don't put this through till next month."

- That's why they call them "tellers."

- Do you think money grows on trees?

- Went to the fights last night.

- Fred, come in, please.

How often is Ethel's checking account overdrawn?

- Never.

- Holding down a job is difficult.

- Canasta. [sniffs]

- Earning a living. - I could do it.

- Ha!

- I will.

- This, I gotta see.

[bright trumpet music]

- All right, girls.

Now, listen carefully.

This is the wrapping department.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Now, the candy will pass by on this conveyor belt,

and continue on into the next room

where the girls will pack it.

Your job is to take each piece of candy,

wrap it in one of these papers,

and then put it back on the belt.

Do you understand?

- Yes, sir--yes, ma'am. - Yes, ma'am.

- Let it roll!

Let it roll!

Well, wait here.

Somebody's asleep at the switch.

- [sighs] - What are you doing up here?

I thought you were downstairs boxing chocolates.

- Oh, they kicked me out of there fast.

- Why?

- Kept pitching them to see what kind they were.

- All right, girls.

This is your last chance.

If one piece of candy gets past you

and into the packing room unwrapped, you're fired.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Let it roll!

[conveyor belt whirring]

- Well, this is easier.

- Yeah. We can handle this all right.

- Listen, Ethel, I think this is, uh...

I think we're fighting a losing game!

Here she comes.

- Fine!

You're doing splendidly.

Speed her up a little!

[whimsical music]

.

- Plus, Lucy was desperate

to get her big break in show biz and--

well, I got mine many years ago

when I got the part of "Terrified Man"

in an episode of "Silk Stockings."

I can relate to her struggle.

- There's only one way to solve this.

- Agreed, and while I've never wrestled

with a gay man and a pregnant woman at the same time,

I've always wanted to.

- No, I mean, ask Ricky.

Which one of us would you say

is your Lucy?

And keep in mind,

I have pictures of you in shorteralls.

- And I have pictures of you

trying to rock a mustache for Movember.

- And I stopped caring an hour ago,

but I still wanna know just 'cause.

- You're all my Lucy.

Grace and I share a home, but we sleep in separate beds.

Karen's always up to something I disapprove of.

Jack spends all my money.

Plus I--I am constantly cleaning up

after all your messes.

- No, you're not.

- He literally just cleaned up your mess.

- From a present I thoughtfully bought.

- Which you were too cheap to hire someone to install.

- I was about to say the nice part.

Can I say the nice part, please?

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Ricky.

Because he got to live with Lucy.

This guy is so lucky,

'cause he gets to spend his life

with someone like that.

Well, I got him beat.

'Cause I got three of you in my life.

And even better,

my kid'll have that too.

- Pretty lucky kid. - Mm.

- I wish I was that kid.

But still Lucy.

But also Ricky.

- You almost brought a tear to my eye, you old homo.

[romantic music]

- I love you, Lucys.

♪ I love Lucy

♪ And she loves me

♪

♪ We're as happy as two can be ♪

♪ Sometimes we quarrel, but then ♪

[chuckles]

♪ How we love making up again ♪

♪ Lucy kisses like no one can

♪ She's my missus and I'm her man ♪

♪ And life is heaven, you see ♪

♪ 'Cause I love Lucy

- ♪ Oh, he loves Lucy

- ♪ Yes, he loves Lucy

- ♪ Yes, he loves Lucy

- ♪ And Lucy loves me

[together] ♪ 'Cause I love Lucy

♪ Yes, I love Lucy

♪ And Lucy

♪ Loves me

♪

[old-timey trumpet music]

♪

- Husbands and wives.

♪

- I need a nail.

- What? She spends money like she--

What?

- Can we go back? Sorry.

- What?

- I'm--I'm gonna try that again.