Original subtitles

.

- "Will and Grace" is recorded in front

of a live studio audience.

- Good morning. [laughs]

Welcome to our gender reveal breakfast.

[laughs] It's a big moment.

We are one prick away from finding out

one of the most important--

- Yeah, can we move things along please?

Lot to do today.

- Sorry. We are two pricks away

from finding out--

Guys, I have a speech and a poem,

so can we please just do this?

- Yeah, audience question. Can we cut the poem?

I have to sneak my headshot and resume into a stack

of submissions for a Broadway show.

And then we have to get to the ballpark

because Karen's baseball team

has their championship game today.

- Me owning a baseball team, who-da thunk it?

It's almost as crazy as a homo having a baby.

[giggles]

Go on, Wilma.

- Thank you. [clears throat]

A gender party is a curious thing.

[balloon pops] Ah!

- It's a girl.

- Oh, thank God! It's a girl.

[stammering] I'm gonna name her Harper.

She'll be dressed head-to-toe in breathable French cotton.

She'll smell like an expensive hotel bathroom her entire life.

[stammering] She'll be a giver

but still have a fierce independent streak.

And most important,

she won't be a gross, smelly boy

that I'll have to teach sports to.

[exhales] Okay. Okay.

Okay. Sorry, that's--

I'm done. Your turn, Grace.

Remember, boy, girl...

[sniffs]

doesn't matter.

- Um...

actually, I'm gonna wait. - What?

- All of a sudden, I'm not sure what I want,

or what I don't want, or how I'll feel

when I find out what I've got, so, um...

Yeah.

- Yeah, well, great party.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

We're gonna jam.

You two are delicious, everything we're for.

Shift it, Kar.

[upbeat trumpet and piano music]

♪

- ♪ Hello, my baby, hello, my honey ♪

♪ Hello, my baby girl

♪ Having a baby girl

♪ She's a baby and...

♪ And she's a girl

[giggles] I'll work on the lyrics.

[phone ringing]

Hey, Jenny, hi.

- Hey, I got your message. What's up?

- Oh, big news. We're having a girl.

[laughing] We're having a girl!

Can you believe it?

- Oh, congrats. I'm so happy for you.

- Well, I'm so happy for both of us.

We're bringing a beautiful baby girl into the world,

and even more important, it's not a boy.

We're having a girl.

- Well--I mean, you're having a girl.

- What? No, we're doing this together.

- Well, not exactly.

Uh, I'm providing a service.

I'm like an Amazon Locker for your baby.

- Come on. This is huge for us.

At least let me take you to lunch to celebrate.

What's your favorite restaurant?

- Café Figaro, but I'm actually

meeting a guy for lunch here.

- Oh, who's the guy? - Chase.

- I thought we didn't like him.

You said he was a bad guy. I'm gonna meet you there.

- What? No.

What did I tell you about boundaries?

You do not get involved with my exes,

and you do not demonstrate how to work a nursing bra.

- I didn't know the pump was on.

It was upsetting for both of us.

[phone beeping] Hold on.

I got another call.

- Hello. - Uh, Mr. Truman--

Dante DiLorenzo.

We met at my hair clinic a few months ago.

Uh, this is a courtesy call

to let you know that I have ended my marriage

in order to live my truth as a gay man.

- Okay.

- Sorry, I'm new at this,

but you did mark single on your consultation form.

FYI, my ex-wife, Melinda,

is pretty sure I'm a thirsty submissive.

- Okay, um, I'm--look, I'm really flattered, but--

- Hey, no need to finish that sentence.

You are right to reject me.

As a straight man, Melinda said I was a 6,

and as a gay man, I'm barely a 3 1/2.

Thank you and have a nice day.

- No, no, no. Wait, wait.

Doctor. - Yes?

- How does lunch sound?

- Great!

Uh, how's Monday? I know a place in Midtown.

- Meet me at Café Figaro in 15 minutes.

- Yes, sir. [chuckles]

Is it appropriate for me to say "I am aroused"?

- Save it for dessert.

[exciting piano music]

- Hey, Mrs. Walker. What an exciting day.

A shot at the title.

So, do you have prepared remarks,

an inspiring quote,

a rousing call to action?

- Prepared what? Inspiring huh?

A rousing call to ca--?

- What you say in this moment

could be the difference between victory

and pushing them from casual opioid abusers

to full-blown addicts.

Guys, Mrs. Walker has something to say.

- Honey, I've got nothing prepared.

I barely know where I am right now.

What do I say?

- Okay, I got it.

Remember what you said to me

before my very first commercial audition?

- You probably won't get it. Let's go to brunch.

- No, you said that to me

before my audition for "Crazy Rich Asians."

Which I didn't get because-- [snorts]

I'm not rich.

It was a DiGiorno ad,

and I didn't think I could play a straight guy.

- That was a good speech. I'll do that one.

- Okay, good, and I'll score it

with dramatic music using my phone.

- [exhales] All right. Listen up.

[inspirational music playing on phone]

I know you're nervous.

The other guys

have got more talent, more experience,

and let's face it-- more testosterone than you do.

♪

But you have something they don't have.

A lifetime

of people telling you that you're not good enough.

Today, you're gonna go out there and show them

that in this country, being unqualified for something

is no match

for a totally unfounded sense of self-confidence.

Now let me hear you say it.

"It's not delivery. It's DiGiorno."

[together] It's not delivery? It's DiGiorno?

- Say it like you mean it.

[together] It's not delivery. It's DiGiorno.

- Say it!

[together] It's not delivery! It's DiGiorno!

- Damn right it is! - Let's go!

[all cheering, yelling]

- How did I not get that part?

- Oh, honey.

- Just hearing that speech

took me back to the old Jack.

Yeah. - [giggles]

- When I think about how pathetic I was.

I get one text about an audition,

be convinced it was gonna change my whole life,

run around the room like a crazy person,

flailing my arms in the air,

and screech into a towel until I'd faint.

[both laughing]

Ah, thank God those days are behind us, huh?

- Yeah. - I can't even--

[phone dings] - Oh, let's see what that is...

Mayor Pete Buttigieg-- I got an audition!

I got an audition!

[screaming] Oh, my God! I got an audition!

My whole life is about to change!

I'm gonna be rich and famous,

and everybody's gonna love me!

[muffled screaming]

[body thuds]

[exciting piano music]

.

- What am I afraid of?

Boy or girl? Win-win!

But having a girl would be amazing.

Oh.

I could sing the song

that my mom used to sing to me. Remember, Mom?

♪ My hope is that you're pretty in life ♪

♪ You meet a man and become his wife ♪

♪ Have his children, six or eight ♪

♪ Eat small meals to maintain your weight ♪

What a jacked up song!

No wonder my sisters are so messed up, right?

Look, I don't want you to obsess over your looks.

Okay?

If your eyebrows look a little Frida Kahlo-ish,

or you put too much lox spread

on your second bagel,

you go girl!

I won't say a word.

But I won't have to.

Because you'll take one look at my face

and you will see that I'm totally judging you.

And jealous that you can still metabolize bagels.

[sobbing]

[sighs] That's why

I would be the worst mother to a girl.

Other than my mom.

And Maleficent.

- Normally I would order the fettuccine,

but now that I'm gay,

I need to be a bit more of a body fascist.

So, um, a salad and we share an app?

Is that how it works? - That's an old stereotype.

Gay men are not that militant about what we eat.

We do not need bread.

I don't like that tension.

- I imagine I'll loosen up as I become more gay.

- Oh, no, sorry. I'm talking about that couple.

- Oh, right. I saw this on "Pose."

We're gonna be bitchy queens.

Like, uh, "The '90s called collect

"to talk about his hair

and he accepted the charges."

- Good first try, yeah, but, uh,

shorter, funnier, and more from this century.

- So much to process, being newly gay.

[chuckles]

Actually, I've known for 26 years,

but Saturday, I tried on a pair of short-shorts,

and said, "These legs belong on a man's shoulders."

- Well, we all have our origin story.

- But you could be a boy, couldn't you,

gender balloon?

[sighs]

My boy. [laughs]

Little boys are so sweet,

sensitive, and loving.

You will be kind and gentle,

and you won't be afraid to cry.

And we will always be close,

because you're not gonna be one of those boys

who's embarrassed to hang out with his mom

after he hits puberty.

And you'll still snuggle with me.

Oh, my God, if I'm your mother, you're never gonna get laid!

[sobbing] Oh, no!

No, no. I can't--I can't.

I can't--I can't even look at you.

[sighs] I am setting you free.

Good-bye gender balloon.

[exhales]

Gender balloon?

Gender balloon!

Come back!

- Do we kiss now?

- I'm gonna say we're not there yet.

- Okay. - Oh, look at him.

Eating off her plate, the mooch.

You just know he's not paying for lunch.

- Oh, are we not done tearing those people down yet?

- Sorry, I know that woman. It's a long st--

Where'd she go?

Did he make her cry?

That is the last thing she needs right now.

Should I go over there? Should I say something?

- I wouldn't. - Jenny.

Hey. What a surprise.

This is-- Look at us both here!

[laughs nervously]

- What the hell, Will? You're spying on me?

- Drama!

Am--am I doing this correctly?

Do I snap up? Do I do the Z?

- It's just one jazzy snap across the body.

[snaps]

[exciting piano music]

.

- Sorry, I just got-- got a little overwhelmed.

The audition is for the revival of my favorite musical.

- They're bringing back "Diddler on the Poof"?

- No. It's for "On the Town."

I'm auditioning for the pivotal dual role

of Sailor Number Five and Fourth Workman.

But, Kar, before you go back out there,

do you mind running it with me once real quick?

- Sure, honey. Go ahead.

- Oh, my gosh, okay. Thank you so much.

Um, it's the baritone harmony from the opening number.

- Ooh. - [steadies breath]

Five, six, seven, eight.

♪ Ooh

♪ Diddy diddy

♪ Zap zap

♪ Ooh

[holding note] ♪ Ah

♪ Ahoy!

[exhales] Thank you.

And then I'm silent for like 64 bars.

- A 3-run homer? Am I dreaming?

I must be dreaming. Someone pinch me.

[yelps] That hurt so much.

It's really happening! [yelps]

- You better go out there, Kar. It's a big day.

- Ah, big day for both of us.

Your first Broadway audition. - It sure is.

- Come on. I'll walk you out.

- Okay, great.

- You coming? - Yeah, I'm, uh,

right behind you. - Okay.

Honey?

- Just don't know if I can do this.

- This is your chance to be a gay actor on Broadway.

It's never been done.

You could break the ass ceiling.

- Maybe it's time to just face reality.

I'm not a Broadway-caliber actor,

and I never will be.

- Now, you listen to me.

Our friendship is the most successful relationship

of my life. And do you know why?

- Because I threw that gun in the river for you?

- Because when I'm down,

you make me believe

that something great is just around the corner.

You're a dreamer, Jackie.

It's the very best part of you.

Come on. I'ma take you to that audition.

- But what about the game?

- Oh, honey.

You're way more important to me than some silly game.

You're my poodle.

[distant cheering]

[whispers] Kay, now.

Hey, um, you wiped the fingerprints

off that gun first, right?

Oh, it doesn't matter. They're your prints.

- Hello, uh, this is Grace Adler.

I'm a patient of Dr. Saperstein's,

and I'm calling to find out the gender of my baby.

- Yeah, you're gonna wanna check between the legs.

If it's an outie, it's a boy.

If it's an innie, it's a girl.

And if it's both,

please take a picture and send it to me.

I've always wanted to see one of those.

- No, I'm pregnant.

- Okay, well then you're a girl.

Does that help?

- Nurse? Just look it up.

- Okay, let's see. Grace Adler.

Date of birth, 4/7/19.

Wait. That can't be right.

- Just tell me the gender, please.

- It says the gender information

has been sent to a balloon company.

- Oh, yeah, um...

things didn't really work out with the balloon,

and I threw it off the balcony.

- Well, let's hope things work out with the baby.

- Just tell me if I'm having a boy or a girl.

- "Ms. Adler requests

not to disclose information over the phone."

- Yes, yes. I know.

That's because I didn't think I'd be patient enough

to wait for the balloon, but I was.

But I--I just got scared.

You know, that big question mark on that balloon

just staring you right in the face, you know?

- Yeah, I get it. You're conflicted.

It's like the first time I hooked up with my step-dad.

- The first time?

- Yeah, it was my 40th birthday,

and my step-dad said I wasn't allowed

to get my ears pierced.

And I said, "I don't have to listen to you.

You're not my real dad."

From then on, it escalated into something really special.

- Uh, thanks for, um,

well, uh... I'm not really sure, just--

[sighs]

Okay, I guess this is a sign

that I'm--I'm not supposed to know.

[yelping]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Gender balloon, you came back!

Don't you make me worry like that ever again!

This is clearly a sign that I'm supposed to find out.

Okay. [sighs]

I'm gonna wait until Will gets home,

and then I'm gonna pop you.

And I don't care.

Boy or girl,

I'm gonna love you no matter what.

[balloon pops]

[exciting piano music]

.

- Let's just get one thing really clear here.

You and me? Business arrangement.

I'm really just your oven.

- But you're not. That's the problem.

Please.

I don't know how to keep things separate.

You're doing this extraordinary thing for me.

You're giving me something

the world has told me for my entire life

that I could never have.

I have all this love for you and...

I don't know what to do with it.

- I feel close to you too.

And I hate that because these relationships have an end date.

I've done this before.

I've gotten invested. I've gotten hurt.

You're just gonna move on once the baby is born.

- Jenny, that is not who I am.

For me, it'd be weird if you weren't in my life in some way.

- For me, too.

- Can't we just do this however we want?

- We could give it a try.

- I'd like that.

- Will, uh, I'm sorry,

but I think there's a spark with Chase.

He just asked me to co-sign a loan for him.

But thank you for taking my gay cherry.

- Terrific. Tell your friends.

- So I kissed the balloon,

and you know how I haven't waxed my upper lip in a while?

Well, it popped,

and the glitter powder got all over me,

but I wanted to surprise you.

I am having...

- I got the part!

You are looking at the third understudy

for Sailor Number Five/Fourth Workman

on Broadway.

- Jack, that is amazing!

It just goes to show you if you kind of try

for 38 years, good things happen.

- Congratulations!

I have big news too.

I am having--

- We did it!

Bottom of the tenth, bases loaded,

Rodriguez with a grand salami.

- Who in this castle of queers

looks like they understand what that means?

Well, did we win or lose?

- We won.

We beat the Adirondack Mosquitoes.

- Good Lord, it's over.

I am finally done with baseball!

- Well, until the new season starts.

Then there's recruiting, spring training,

signing free agents--

- Can I say my thing now?

I'm getting sweaty, and I'm out of muffins.

- Sorry, ghost.

It's just so exciting.

Baseball never ends.

- Well, it does for me.

I was just doing this to stick it to my ex.

But, uh,

you seem like you really care about this team

and have nothing else to live for.

Do you want the Millstones?

- Oh, my God, yes.

Mrs. Walker,

you are the best thing that's ever happened to me.

- What are you talking about? She ruined your bakery.

- She took away your first name.

- She forced you to spend a night in the woods

with a baby bear.

- And now she's making

all of my dreams come true.

Thanks, Mrs. Walker. - Come on.

You can call me Karen. - Oh.

- Nope, Mrs. Walker.

Good luck, Amy, and, uh, don't forget

you signed an NDA.

- Can I say my news now?

Will.

- How dare you?

If you got a part in Blue Man Group

and are stealing my Broadway moment,

I will never forgive you.

- I'm having a boy.

- And?

- I am so, so happy.

[all laughing]