Original subtitles

.

- McCoy said I should go ahead and look at egg donors.

It's weird doing it online.

- Okay, ultrasound's at 9:00.

Upper East Side, that's half hour.

I'll get up at 7:30.

Ugh. I should wash my hair, though.

6:30.

That ain't the end they'll be looking at.

7:15.

Oh, God. Should I get a wax?

Why should I start now?

- One of these women is gonna provide half of my child's DNA,

and it's nothing but bios and selfies.

It's like Tinder, only you want to get

knocked up on the first date.

- Ooh, the doctor's next to that deli

where they think my name is Grape.

- What do I even look for in a donor?

- Whitefish salad.

Can I even eat that?

Pregnant women, smoked fish.

Please, please, please. Oh, come on.

- Here's a good one.

Went to Yale, plays the lute,

studies medieval folklore.

So smart, musical,

and secure enough to be alone on a Saturday night.

I can work with that.

- I can't be the oldest woman in history

who's ever done this, right?

- Oh, and she's tall. McCoy will like that.

Okay, move to cart.

Wow.

I'm shopping for people.

Now I get why Karen likes it so much.

- Ha! A woman in India had a baby at 72,

and there's a video.

Oh, my God.

This is like the worst episode

of "The Golden Girls."

- And done. Got my X chromosome plus tax.

Take that, Mother Nature.

Sorry, I was a little distracted.

- Me, too. both: What were you saying?

It's noth--you go.

No, you go.

It's late. Good night.

[upbeat trumpet and piano music]

♪

- Jackie, get in here.

- Now, now, now, batting, batting, batting,

me, me, me.

Kare, check out my uniform from Little League.

- And by Little League, you mean...

- A gay costume party I went to

dressed as a closeted baseball player.

[shouts]

- A round brick?

- I think it's a baseball, Karen.

And it has words on it.

- It's from my ex-brother-in-law,

Danley Walker.

Sorry about the window,

but the number you gave me

was actually a hotline for men

who are into diaper play.

Very funny, but the joke's on you.

You're going to be the worst owner

of the Blattsville Millstones in his--

- Tory.

Two of two.

- That bastard.

He stuck me with this loser team,

but he's right.

I am gonna be embarrassed.

There's so much I don't know about baseball,

like is third base boobs, or oral?

- It depends.

Are we talking gay or straight bases?

Because we're dealing with different equipment.

- That's right.

You guys have two bats, four balls, no boobs.

- So our bases are smoochos,

handos, blowjos, and backdos.

- Fascinating. And that's why you're my

Director of Baseball Operations.

But we gotta focus on ideas.

Oh, honey, if I fail at this,

Danley's never gonna get off my back

till he's on my front.

- Okay, let me think. Let me just think.

Let me think.

Oh, I got it.

Two words.

Rhinestones.

- One word.

I'm listening.

- Delivery.

- Come in.

I ordered some brain food to help us think.

- Ooh, I was wondering if we were ever gonna take a break.

- Oh, my God. I know you.

You ruined my life.

- Honey, you're gonna have to be

a lot more specific than that.

Wait, if you're Lori Loughlin's kid,

I told her no one would buy you as a varsity rower.

- You ordered a MAGA cake from my bakery.

It sent my life into a death spiral.

But now, I push muffins door to door in office buildings.

Hakuna matata!

- Wait, I remember you.

Grace and Karen turned your bakery

into a hub for neo-Nazis.

Hey, how's that going?

- Well, it's closed now because it's been officially

designated a hate space,

so now I bake in my studio apartment.

I mix the batter in the tub.

- Jackie, what if we change the name of the team?

Instead of the Millstones,

we find a name America will love,

like the Racist Jokes.

- Are you talking about the Blattsville Millstones?

- What if it was something to do with the Met Gala?

Like maybe the...

Mets.

- How has no one thought of that?

- Oh, and you can move the team from Blattsville into the city.

- You can't do that. I'm from Blattsville.

I've loved the Millstones my whole life.

- How does that relate to anything we're doing here?

- Every Friday night,

my dad and I would sit behind the visitor's dugout

and razz the other team.

Nice catch, beard face!

They're my fondest memories...

until the day he was killed by a foul ball.

I'll never forget his last words.

"I got it."

- Honey, what I'm getting from this story is...

your dad couldn't catch.

But right now, we're trying to find

a way to help the team win.

- Well, if it were up to me,

I'd have a shift against lefties,

trade Gonzalez, and get a backstop

who can control the running game.

But even when they lose, I bleed brown and rust.

- Almost stranger,

I wish your mouth were like your bakery:

Closed.

.

- I'm heading to the doctor.

Tell me I have nothing to worry about.

- Grace, you have nothing to worry about--

- How could you say that?

I'm 3,000 years old.

My baby is in there coughing on dust bunnies.

- I keep picturing cobwebs and creaky door sounds.

- So now I'm not just old,

I'm haunted.

- I was--no--I was just...

Think maybe you're spinning out of control just a little bit?

- Absolutely not.

Where'd I put my purse? Where'd I put my keys?

- Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie.

Purse.

Keys.

Look, the hard part's kind of done.

You're already pregnant.

Me, on the other hand,

I still gotta find an egg donor,

and a surrogate to carry the baby.

- Online shopping. Your favorite thing.

Use your credit card. You can get the egg and miles.

- You think this is easy?

I gotta get McCoy's sperm from halfway across the globe

so somebody in a lab can mix it with mine

into what is fast turning into

the world's most expensive Jamba Juice.

Not exactly as beautiful as your process.

- Oh, yeah, mine's a freaking fairy tale.

"Beauty and the Three Beasts She Slept With."

And now, I'm cursed to wear

elastic-waist jeans the rest of my life.

- Please. I've seen you wear sweatpants to a funeral.

You're acting as if you're the first woman

in history to be pregnant.

- I am so sorry that you and your loving fiancé

are having such a hard time picking out your designer kid.

- "Designer kid"? Wow, that was rude.

Grace, this is my life,

and it's serious and stressful.

- For me, too. Have you even been listening?

- Yeah, I have, and it sounds like

you're lashing out at me 'cause I'm the one with the boyfriend.

- This has nothing to do with me being single.

I am terrified,

and my best friend keeps dismissing me

while I'm going through scariest thing

I've ever been through in my entire life.

Oh. Damn it.

- Oh.

- Hope I'm not interrupting anything.

- Danley Walker.

You're a sight for cold sores.

- You look as lovely as ever, like Helen of Troy,

but with a rack that launched a thousand motorboats.

- Your Trojan horse will never pass my gates.

- What if I told you you didn't have to do

this interview?

I'll take this crappy team off your hands.

All you have to do is go on one date with me.

- Hm.

- I mean, you have to put out.

I'm not doing this to split some Korean barbecue.

- As if I would ever eat.

I don't need your help, Danley.

Because I've got big ideas for this baseball team,

ideas that are gonna turn the Batman Wheat Thins

into the winningest team this side of the who cares.

- Sounds like you made your bed.

Last chance to let me lie in it.

- As if I would ever...

make a bed.

- Mr. Walker, are we ready?

Hi, Mrs. Walker.

I'm Lucy Newman from "The Times."

- Hello, Newman.

- I'm not gonna pull any punches with this piece.

You've got a team in disarray.

Do you have any plan to turn this team around?

- Oh, I do.

I have a three-part plan. Very happy about part one.

All of my players are going to be bejeweled

from head to toe.

Even their jock straps.

Of course, we won't see them,

but I've always felt that a little something pretty

underneath gives you confidence.

- How will the players move?

- Honey, that's what the steroids are for.

- This keeps getting better and better.

It's like the political legacy of Paul Ryan.

- Hi, sorry.

I'm just here to pick up my catering cart.

Oh, just ignore me.

- Honey, that's something you never need to say to anyone.

- Ms. Walker, is there anything

to keep me from writing that you're just another rich owner

who's gonna run this team into the ground?

- Oh, oh, she's got nothing.

And tomorrow morning,

when Stanley and I read the story--

- Stanley's in on this?

- I haven't seen Stanley this happy

since he learned you could deep-fry a whole cow.

- I am not going to give my ex-husband the satisfaction.

I've got other ideas.

Better ideas.

- What are they?

- Hey.

- Oh, sorry. I need to--

- Can't you see I'm in the middle

of stalling for time?

- Why is she looking at me like that?

- She said something smart about baseball.

- I feel like she's going to hit me.

- She has a face you want to hit.

- Why didn't she listen to me about the Millstones?

If they just shift against lefties,

trade Gonzalez--

- Now I remember.

Take it away, mouth.

We're gonna shift against lefties,

trade Gonzalez,

and get a backstop that can control the running game.

When we do that,

the Millstones are gonna get all the way to the top.

- That actually sounds good.

You were wrong.

She's not the worst owner in sports.

- [grunts]

That was so hot.

And specific.

Where did that even come from?

- It came from me, because I am better at this

than you or any other man.

Because I'm a blah-blah woman

in a something-something world.

And I will not be whatever it is.

.

[cell phone chimes]

[cell phone chimes]

- Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

Ms. Adler.

Dr. Saperstein.

- Hi. - Hi.

So before we do the ultrasound,

is there anybody else we should be waiting for?

- Nope. Nobody. No fathers, no best friends,

no gay roommates, just me.

- Okay, that's a lot to unpack.

Look, it's perfectly normal to be stressed.

And that's why I'm here to answer

any questions or concerns,

and to make you feel calm and relaxed.

- Thank you. That is exactly what--

[cell phone chimes]

- Oh.

I'm so sorry. My husband's in the lobby.

I just need to step out for one second.

- Sure.

It's nice that he visits you at work.

- You son of a bitch!

How dare you come to my place of work after what you did?

No, no, you don't get to talk. I talk.

Now I have to go in and comfort

a shockingly old patient right now.

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

Okay, let's get started.

- Are you okay?

- Oh, I'm fine.

But you know what? This is about you.

And sometimes when I feel particularly stressed,

I like to focus on my breath.

Let's do it together, okay?

Let's take a deep breath.

And... [inhales loudly]

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, my God.

I'll be right back. I'm so sorry.

- Can I exhale? - Yeah, whatever.

- [exhales loudly]

- Up yours, Albert.

You do not get to text me anymore.

You want to send a text, you send it to your whore.

- Breathe out.

- Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

So sorry.

- Okay, I think I should go.

- Sit!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Why don't you lay back?

- Um...

you know, I don't know if this is the right time,

but I really just need someone to tell me--promise me,

that everything is okay,

because, you know, being pregnant at my age

and all those really scary statistics,

I'm just-- I'm kind of freaking out.

- [sobbing]

- Dr. Saperstein?

- [continues sobbing]

- All right, all right, come here.

Okay.

- I'm having a feeling, poodle.

It's more than just the satisfaction

of proving Danley wrong.

It's a tingly thing,

like a spark inside of me.

Could it be a sense of purpose?

Is this what lady scientists feel?

- Sorry, me again.

No, that's not how I practiced it.

Come in confident.

Don't yell at me. I'm trying.

Ding!

Sorry, me again.

Here's the thing.

I know baseball, I love the Millstones,

and I gave you the ideas that helped you save the team,

so you should do the right thing

and hire me.

- I haven't done the right thing my whole life,

and I'm not about to start now.

- Karen.

Can I see you in my office, please?

- Oh.

- Look, you're a proud, confident lady

with great legs and a bold, red lip.

And...

so am I.

But I think we both know what we need to do here.

- We do?

I mean...

I know. Do you?

Why don't you tell me, and then I'll tell you

whether you got it right or not?

- We don't know anything about baseball--

- Baseball, nothing. I know you're a catcher.

- She's followed the Millstones her whole life--

- Millstones, dead dad. Funny.

- And if you really want to stick it to Danley--

- Stick it, Danley.

Kind of cute in the right lighting.

[gasps]

both: We need to hire her.

- Thank you for waiting. She'll see you now.

- So you're suggesting that I give you a job,

or an unpaid internship,

where you come up with great baseball ideas

that I take credit for.

- That's not exactly-- - Don't negotiate past "yes."

.

- Will.

- Hey.

I did bring you flowers,

but I had to give them to the woman next door

when I walked in on her.

I was guessing which room you were in.

I guessed wrong.

- Well, every woman loves flowers.

- Yeah.

I don't think she's gonna like the card

about dust bunnies in her uterus.

- That's funny.

You came.

- Couldn't let my best friend go through

one of the scariest days of her life by herself.

- I'm sorry for what I said.

You're going through something, too.

I know that.

- No, I'm sorry.

It's my job to know what you need,

and I dropped the ball.

I mean, the second those Beasts knocked up Beauty,

I should've been there.

- You're my knight in shining pink Under Armour.

I just can't shake the feeling that any appointment

could be the one when they tell me that it's all over.

- Okay, sweetie.

It's gonna be okay.

But I totally understand.

Getting your hopes up and then finding out

it's not gonna happen.

That'd break anyone's heart.

- Will, what happened?

- No, this is about you.

- Will, tell me.

- Well, apparently looking at egg donors

suddenly made all this baby stuff serious for McCoy,

and he realized he...

doesn't want kids.

- Oh, sweetie.

- Yeah.

It's gonna be weird tomorrow

when I have to sign for his sperm.

- But this is something that you've wanted.

You've talked about having kids your entire life.

- I know, I know.

Now I have to choose between being with McCoy,

and being a dad, and I...

I don't know what I want.

- Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

I'm Dr. Saperstein.

Somebody found a father.

- This is my friend Will.

- Oh, good, 'cause apparently

there's a peeping Tom going from room to room.

Anyway, let's take a look at the baby.

- Okay.

- I'm right here.

- Okay, just have to find the little guy.

He's hiding.

I can only assume it's a boy

'cause they're always hiding something.

Here we go.

- Is that...

- That's the heartbeat. It sounds healthy.

- Oh, my God. - Wow.

- Congratulations, Grace. It sounds great.

I'm gonna take some measurements.

- This is...

I can't...

Will, I'm gonna be a mother.

- I know.

And now I know what I want.

I want to be a dad.

And I'm gonna do it on my own, just like my best girl.

- I am right here.