Original subtitles

[upbeat piano music]

‐ Not getting any likes on your latest selfie, huh?

‐ No.

I'm checking my phone 'cause Grace and I did

these DNA tests and the results were supposed to be in today.

It's gonna be fun.

You know, we'll find out what traits

we might pass onto our kids‐‐ you know, dimples, eye color.

‐ Baldness... obesity...

baldness.

That is fun.

Hey, how is knocked‐up Grace? Is she a mess?

‐ I am so mad at my dead mother.

‐ Asked and answered.

‐ I just had a dream

that I told my mother I was pregnant,

and she says, "Oh, you can't do that on your own."

And before I could say, "It's not the '50s.

I don't need a man,"

she turned into my high school French teacher

and gave me a quiz.

‐ I always dream I'm trapped in a sleeping bag

with Jon Hamm, and we have to have sex to survive.

What do y'all think that means?

‐ It means your subconscious and your search history

are the same.

[knock at door]

‐ Ugh, my food.

Eating all the takeout that I want

is the best part of my pregnancy.

‐ Yeah, that's when that started.

‐ Mrs. Timmer, you're not egg rolls.

‐ I saw your delivery guy in the lobby and sent him away.

‐ Why would you do that terrible thing?

‐ The Tenant Board has banned upstairs delivery

for safety reasons.

‐ Seriously?

Well, then I am taking this up

with the president of the Tenant Board.

‐ You can call me Madam President.

‐ I get food delivered all the time.

What am I supposed to do?

‐ Pick it up in the lobby, or learn to cook, like a woman.

Hi, there, Jack.

‐ Hi, yourself, Sharon.

Love her.

‐ She is specifically targeting me,

and this is not the first time.

‐ You don't know for sure that sign,

"No singing in the lobby, Grace," was directed at you.

‐ It's like her mission on Earth

is to get under my skin.

‐ I'll talk to Mrs. Timmer. You got enough on your plate.

‐ Yeah, you're trying to cook a baby

in an old 1970s Easy‐Bake, lady.

You should be relaxing.

‐ You think I need you to fight my battles

because I'm pregnant?

‐ No, no, no, no, no. ‐ Hey, don't be stupid.

‐ Because I don't have a man in my life?

‐ Not at all. ‐ You are literally so dumb.

‐ Look, if I'm gonna raise a kid on my own,

this is exactly the kind of thing

that I need to be able to handle.

Speaking of kids, I still haven't gotten

the results from my DNA test.

‐ No, me neither.

I'm excited to find out what my child might inherit from me.

‐ Bald, fat, bald.

‐ You know, Jack, I'm actually curious to see

if premature baldness shows up.

I could be a carrier, even though I clearly have not

been affected by it.

‐ I don't know about that.

Your hair's been receding for years.

‐ What? Excuse me?

‐ Oh, this is wonderful.

‐ No, it's still great for a man your age.

I'm just saying, you know, look at old pictures.

Your hair is disappearing like the polar ice cap.

‐ Yeah, you guys, global balding is real.

[upbeat trumpet and piano music]

♪ ♪

‐ ♪ Da‐ba‐ha, ba‐de‐de ♪

Wait, those aren't the lyrics. Oh, right.

♪ Ha‐ba‐da, be‐ba‐da ♪

‐ There you are. I need your help.

I'm writing a petition for the people in my building

to help oust our president.

‐ Yeah, well, if you don't like it here,

why don't you go back to where you came from?

‐ Of the Tenant Board.

‐ Oh.

‐ She's banned food delivery for safety reasons,

and now, in the golden age of takeout.

Postmates, Uber Eats, Grubhub...

it's the lazy, hungry person's renaissance.

‐ Oh, Grace, you're a couch‐toilet away

from all your dreams coming true.

Honey, why don't you have Will take care of it?

He's a lawyer, should be right up his alley.

[gasps]

Is that offensive to say about a gay man?

"Up his alley."

I sure hope so.

‐ Just please read what I have so far.

‐ Oh, honey, as much as I don't want to, I can't.

I'm on my way to an underground illegal poker game.

Just stopped by to get my cash stash.

‐ Wait, you keep cash here?

Is that you hiss at me every time I get near your desk?

‐ Sure, honey, that's a reason.

[sighs]

Really means a lot to me to get an invite to this game.

It's a no‐limit affair that Stanley used to take me to,

played by a ruthless group

of billionaires, crooks, and gangsters.

When we got a divorce,

I thought I'd never see those lovable kooks again.

Stan's on vacation, so they invited me.

‐ My God, how much money is that?

‐ Not quite enough.

‐ [gasps]

‐ All right, that ought to do it.

Wish me luck.

Oh, and if you see the boss,

tell him I wasn't even here.

‐ "I hate what you're wearing."

‐ Dr. DiLorenzo will be right in.

‐ Okay, thank you.

I don't even know if I wanna do a...

[whispers] A procedure.

I just‐‐you know, I obviously still have

most of my hair.

‐ He'll be right in.

‐ Hi, sorry I'm late, but not as late as you are.

‐ Really? It's that obvious?

'Cause I just noticed that it'd gotten a little worse.

‐ By the time it's noticeable,

you've already lost over half your hair.

‐ Why do people write books about anything other than that?

‐ The good news is,

modern micrografting looks completely natural.

I mean, you'd be shocked if I told you

some of the actors who've done it.

‐ Can you give me a hint?

‐ I can't, but I had my own trailer

during the last Avengers movie.

Trust me, there's nothing about this procedure

to be embarrassed about at all.

‐ Okay. ‐ Let's take down some numbers.

Janae, can you come in here?

‐ I'm on hold. Should I hang up?

‐ No, I'll just shout

Will Truman's hair loss numbers to you.

‐ I'll call you back.

I have to take down

Will Truman's hair loss numbers.

‐ All right.

He's got bilateral recession of 4 centimeters.

He's a Norwood three, but he's heading toward a four

like a runaway train.

I can almost see my reflection in his forehead,

and hair is literally coming out in my hands.

I am gonna take about 5,000 micrografts

from the back of your head

and reinforce your real hairline,

giving you something like this.

‐ Oh, my God, it's me in 1995.

I‐I'm walking through Times Square before the S&M world

became the M&M's World.

‐ Hmm.

Turning back the clock is what I do.

‐ Yeah, but can you really?

I mean, I'm still gonna have to accept that I'm getting old.

Honestly, I'm only here because I'm imagining

a lifetime of being mocked even more by my friend Jack.

You'd think after all we go through,

gay men would stop torturing each other

about our appearance, but we do it constantly.

‐ Paid for my boat. ‐ What?

‐ Really makes you think.

‐ I don't know.

‐ Hey, why don't you take a look at some

of my patient success stories?

For privacy reasons, their identities

have been obscured.

‐ Oh.

Uh‐huh, mm‐hmm.

Oh, that‐‐that's impressive.

[chuckles]

Oh, my God.

‐ You see something you like?

‐ Oh, I like this very much.

[upbeat piano music]

♪ ♪

[both speaking Chinese]

Gentlemen. Good to see you, mafia guy.

I don't think I know anyone else here.

‐ Oh, I think you do.

Hello, Karen.

‐ Danley Walker?

Who invited my brother‐in‐law?

‐ Ex‐brother‐in‐law, or so I hear.

And I invited you.

‐ Why?

So you could try to win back all of the money

that I took from Stanley in the divorce?

I earned every penny.

I worked my lips to the bone.

‐ I was only vaguely aware the you two split up

188 days ago.

Was it an ugly divorce?

‐ Well, not as ugly as most French actors, but...

It did get mildly unattractive, like most British actors.

Hello, ladies with absent fathers.

You know, Stanley always thought

you never came around

because you were a little sweet on me.

‐ Me? Sweet on my brother's wife?

I was always the bigger man.

‐ That's not physically possible.

And I think he was right.

‐ You do look stunning. I'll give you that.

Like a statue by Bernini

that some kids have drawn huge gazongas on.

‐ So which is it?

You either asked me here to ruin me or to ruin me.

‐ Let's see where the night takes us.

Seven‐card stud, no limit,

unless that action's a little too hot for you?

‐ I'm going to eat you alive.

‐ However I end up in your mouth is fine‐‐

‐ Oh, just play cards!

[elevator dings]

‐ Oh, hi, are you‐‐ ‐ Shh.

Were you followed? ‐ What?

‐ In the lobby, were you followed?

‐ I don't think so?

‐ Do you have the stuff? ‐ Your pizza?

Yeah, it's right here.

‐ Okay, okay. All right.

I'm gonna need you to go down the stairs

and take the door out into the back alley, okay?

Here's a little extra.

‐ This is a 20. Your pizza's $19.

‐ Yeah, a little extra.

‐ Violation. ‐ No, it's not.

‐ Are you holding a pizza? ‐ Yes.

‐ Are you a pizza delivery guy? ‐ Yes.

‐ Then it's a violation.

Only tenants and their guests are allowed past the lobby.

‐ Well, the joke's on you,

because this isn't just any pizza delivery guy.

This is also my boyfriend.

‐ Uh...

‐ He's your boyfriend? ‐ Yes.

He is my boyfriend,

and he brings me pizza sometimes,

which is why me and Mike M. are so happy together.

‐ If he's your boyfriend, kiss him on the mouth.

‐ You want... I would.

I would‐‐I would actually really love to do that,

but he's not really into public‐‐

‐ You can kiss me.

‐ Okay, you want me to kiss my boyfriend on the mouth?

No problem.

‐ [whispers] Tongue or no tongue?

‐ Oh, my God!

He's not my boyfriend. I lied.

I'm a liar. Are you happy now?

‐ Not yet.

‐ You're a monster. ‐ What did you say?

‐ Muenster.

The pizza's made with muenster cheese.

‐ Hey, would you ever wanna‐‐

‐ No, Mike M., I wouldn't!

[bright piano music]

‐ Hey. I got your text.

What's up, Hairless Potter and the Half‐Bald Prince?

How is "Hairmione"?

How's "Baldemort"?

‐ You know, Jack, being confronted

with my hair loss really shook me.

This isn't easy for me to admit.

Went to a hair clinic, the DiLorenzo Hair Clinic.

Yeah, the doctor said the new techniques

are getting really good,

especially compared to five years ago.

Apparently, the guys who did it back then

are now going totally bald, yeah,

except for, like, two spots

where the new hair's growing in.

So it looks like they have hair horns.

‐ I don't want hair horns.

‐ What?

[jazz piano music]

‐ Looks like it's just you and me, Karen.

Mano y... man, is your rack spectacular.

Last card.

‐ Make your bet, Walker.

‐ All right, Walker.

I am all in with this.

Whoa. That's‐‐wrong pocket.

Wow. That was almost a disaster.

Uh...

I am all in with this.

The deed to my house.

And all you have to wager to bet is one date with me.

‐ Well, if that's what you're after,

then I'm going to have to ask you to sweeten the pot.

I want what's in the other pocket.

‐ I can't do that.

This is a controlling interest

in a professional baseball franchise.

I can't just gamble this away.

‐ Well, then I guess you don't really want a chance

to win a date with me.

‐ Fine.

Jacks and aces.

‐ Well, Danley, it's like I said to your brother

on our first date:

"There's a whole lot more to me

than just the great pair I'm showing."

Full house, queens over tens.

‐ Damn!

‐ Jack, we have got to stop beating ourselves up

about our looks.

We should support each other.

In fact, we should both...

mm, no, forget it.

‐ What?

What were you gonna say? We should both what?

‐ No, I just‐‐I don't wanna worry about losing

the rest of my hair anymore.

So I have decided to shave my head,

make a clean break.

You know, I just don't have the face

of a menopausal lesbian.

‐ And you think I do?

‐ No, no, if you shaved your head,

you'd look more like‐‐ like a big toe dipped in oil.

‐ I would look fantastic bald.

‐ Jack, I will not let you shave your head,

and I will certainly not agree to a competition

to see which one of us looks better bald.

‐ Well, since I brought it up, I insist!

A competition it is! Ha‐ha!

And you can't stop me!

‐ [chuckles] It's been a pleasure,

and I'd love to welcome you someday into the owner's box,

when I take over...

the Blattsville Millstones?

‐ Uh, was I not clear that when I said,

"professional baseball franchise," I meant,

"bumbling independent minor league team

from a backwater town that loses millions every year"?

I'm so sorry.

‐ You threw the game

just so you could stick me with this loser team?

Why?

‐ The night you and Stan met, I saw you first,

and I wanted you more than anything.

But the minute you two met,

it was like you couldn't even see me.

‐ If you were standing behind him,

no one could see you!

‐ My love for you has been an albatross around my neck,

and now you've got the Millstones,

and they are going to humiliate you.

‐ No one humiliates Karen Walker

without my permission and a safe word!

[jazz piano music]

‐ Thanks to Mrs. Timmer,

I had to walk all the way to the deli

to pick up my sandwich.

‐ Where is it? ‐ I ate it.

‐ Where's mine?

‐ You should order things I don't like.

‐ Why don't you just stand up to her?

‐ I can't. I don't know what it is.

There's just something about her.

She just brings up all this stuff,

just anger and judgment.

I mean, isn't it enough that I live with a gay guy

and my mother insults me in my dreams?

[phone pings]

‐ Oh. Check your phone.

Our DNA results are ready. ‐ Oh.

‐ And... ha‐ha, ha‐ha!

I do not have the premature baldness gene.

‐ Here we go. Okay, looks good.

Looks good. Allergy to cheese?

That's not a thing. ‐ No.

‐ Dementia? You know what?

I'm looking forward to forgetting stuff.

[gasps]

Will, look.

‐ That doesn't even make sense.

‐ That makes perfect sense.

‐ Listen up, Millstones.

I know you're the biggest joke in all of baseball,

but that's going to change.

Because unless we're talking brain cells

or all three kinds of virginity,

I don't like to lose.

So, by the end of this season,

you are going to hit and run and shoot and serve

and dunk and skate...

Better than any of the other baseball people,

or my name isn't Karen Walker.

‐ Can we get dressed now, Mrs. Walker?

‐ Oh.

[laughs]

Absolutely not, no.

[upbeat piano music]

♪ ♪

[knocking at door]

‐ Okay.

The big reveal. ‐ Hmm.

‐ Do you promise not to completely fall apart

when you see how much worse you look than me?

‐ [laughs]

I will do my best.

Count of three.

‐ Count of three.

both: One, two, three.

‐ [laughing]

You look terrible!

‐ Oh, no. I do?

Oh, wait. Is this better?

This is for 20 years of bald jokes.

‐ You tricked me. ‐ Yes, I did.

‐ Hair horns aren't real. ‐ No, they're not.

‐ If you're here to complain about the‐‐

‐ We're cousins!

You are my mother's second cousin, once removed.

That's why I'm so scared to stand up to you.

That's why we can't stand each other.

We're family.

In my dream, my mom wasn't telling me

that I needed a man to help me have this baby.

She was saying I needed a mom, and I found you.

‐ Are you Bobbi Adler's girl?

She used to give me cigarettes

at the public pool in Schenectady when I was 14.

She smoked throughout her pregnancies.

‐ Yeah, that's my mom.

‐ She was a good woman.

‐ I know.

‐ So, we're family.

I guess I have to look out for you.

‐ I'd like that.

‐ You want some pizza?

I recently came into some.

‐ That would be nice.

I mean, I am eating for two.

‐ Aren't you too old to have a baby?

‐ That's exactly what my mom would have said.

[bright piano music]