Original subtitles

‐ Europe was incredible,

especially Italy.

Oh, it was so fun to immerse yourself in another culture.

[Italian accent] Pinocchio, spaghetti,

Ariana Grande.

‐ So what happened with, uh, Marcus?

‐ Marcus was good, dirty fun,

and then we went our separate ways.

‐ Hit it and quit it, I'm proud of you.

‐ Oh, gosh, it was so freeing, Will.

For the first time in my life, I did what I wanted,

when I wanted, and who I wanted.

‐ You naughty, naughty, I need specifics.

And please convert from metric.

Centimeters aren't sexy.

‐ In Greece, I fooled around with a construction worker

in the scoop of a bulldozer.

‐ Ooh, in my mind, I'm putting a clean blanket underneath you.

‐ You know what this trip gave me, Will?

‐ Gonorrhea?

And whatever that is on your ankle?

‐ It's just a bug bite. ‐ Is it?

'Cause it looks like what you Italians call pepperoni.

‐ I will get it checked.

Anyway, it gave me a new perspective.

For the first time in my life,

I am not worrying about someone else's needs.

It's‐‐it's all about me.

‐ I'm so happy for you.

Can we talk about me for one second?

I'm worried about me and McCoy.

‐ Oh, honey, I know, he's gorgeous,

but time'll even it out.

‐ It‐‐it feels like we're on hold.

‐ You just got engaged.

‐ I know, but there's no intimacy.

I mean, I'm here. He's in London.

His penis is always five hours ahead.

He wants to have phone sex.

‐ You should ask Karen for help.

She's really good at phone sex.

‐ You know the government's listening in.

I mean, the last thing I wanna do

is make another donation to Mike Pence's spank bank.

[upbeat trumpet and piano music]

♪ ♪

‐ Morning.

‐ Morning.

‐ I'm having a yard sale.

See anything you like?

‐ I like this shirt.

That's why I bought it for myself.

You're raising money for your transition

from ferret to human?

‐ I'm having a yard sale

to get rid of this hateful cuckoo clock

that Estefan bought us on our honeymoon.

That way when he sees it's missing,

I can say, "Oh, no, I must have sold it by mistake."

Also, I love being this guy.

[changemaker clicking]

He makes change.

He lives his life.

‐ If you don't like the clock,

why don't you just tell your husband?

‐ That may work for you

and the redhead you're married to,

but homo don't play that.

If I tell Estefan how I feel,

I risk hurting his feelings and getting into a fight.

‐ It's just a clock. ‐ Is it?

‐ ♪ Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga ♪

♪ I know you can't control yourself any longer ♪

[upbeat Latin musical flourish]

‐ Can you imagine a little gay fool

bursting through the door every hour on the hour?

‐ No.

‐ What's all this racket, Jack?

‐ Hi, Mrs. Timmer.

I was just having a little yard sale.

See anything you like?

‐ You know I'm on the board.

I can't allow you to‐‐

oh, I like this clock.

Does it do anything?

‐ ♪ Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga ♪

♪ I know you can't control yourself any longer ♪

[upbeat Latin musical flourish]

[flatly] That's the funniest thing

I've ever seen.

‐ Great, take it! It's free!

Live it! Love it! Yeah!

Go! All sales are final.

Here, have a phone book from 1994.

[elevator dings]

‐ Oh! La.

‐ Hola!

‐ Oh, my God, Estefan, you're home early.

‐ Captain Montague had to turn the plane around

because some queen threw a ginger ale on Ann Coulter

and she melted.

I didn't know you were having a yard sale.

Have you sold anything yet?

‐ Absolutely nothing.

It's been so slow.

‐ ♪ Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga ♪

♪ I know you can't control yourself any longer ♪

[upbeat Latin musical flourish]

‐ Jack, if you have sold nothing at this yard sale,

then why do I hear the sound of my beloved "kah‐koo" clock

coming from inside of apartment 9B?

[upbeat piano music]

‐ [sobbing]

[indistinct announcement over PA]

[sobbing continues]

‐ [sighs] I know I'm gonna regret this.

You okay?

‐ You see this bug bite?

‐ Yeah.

‐ I got it in Europe.

It's just a bug bite.

I mean, it's bad.

It needs cream,

crema in Italian.

But the doctor said something to me

that you should never tell a woman

who is finally making her life about herself:

I'm pregnant!

[sobbing]

‐ Aren't you a little‐‐ ‐ Old?

Yes!

The doctor said it was a freakin' miracle!

[whimsical piano music]

‐ ♪ Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga ♪

♪ I know you can't control yourself any longer ♪

[humming]

Boom!

[phone rings]

Grace Something Designs, Adderall speaking.

How can I help you?

Will?

‐ Oh, Karen, hi.

Sorry, I‐‐I‐‐I must have butt‐dialed you.

‐ Is there anything your people's butts can't do?

‐ So far, I've yet to be disappointed.

But‐‐but‐‐but, really, I‐‐

‐ Oh, Wilma, stop it.

You need my help with phone sex.

Come on.

I'm a pansexual superstar.

It's on my business card.

Let's get to work.

‐ Okay, look, I'm supposed to FaceTime with McCoy

during his break between broadcasts,

but I don't know what to say.

‐ You know, maybe we should loosen you up

with a little light roleplay.

You be you, and I'll be that incredibly handsome man

who hasn't yet realized that he can do better.

‐ You know, he's a straight ten but a gay eight.

‐ Here we go, but I warn you,

my McCoy impersonation is only so‐so.

[whispers] Okay, all right.

Brr.

Okay. [chuckles]

[normal voice] Hey, Will, it's McCoy.

Listen, I've got my gay sex toy plugged in with all...

Seven attachments.

Any thoughts?

Ooh, the silent treatment.

Yum, me likey. [laughs]

‐ The doctor said it was a geriatric pregnancy.

That's the term they use for people over 35.

It's really judgmental.

‐ When I had my first, I was 19.

‐ That's a little young, don't you think?

‐ Compared to your old ass?

‐ [sniffles] You're right. I'm sorry.

It's just that I was finally living my life for me,

and now a baby?

The timing is so bad.

I was gonna do so many great things with my life.

‐ Like what?

‐ I was gonna watch so many shows.

[sobbing]

‐ I think you're gonna put your hand

right about here.

[gasps] So cold,

and yet so hot.

‐ [grunts]

‐ Oh, you're an animal!

‐ [grunts] So close!

‐ Oh, me too.

I bet you're wearing jeans.

I bet they're tight.

I bet they're women's jeans.

‐ Damn it.

‐ [gasps] Have I been bad?

If I've been bad, then you better punish me.

[giggles]

I know you want to, but you wouldn't dare.

[gasps] You would?

And you are!

And I..can't...stop you!

‐ [breathing heavily] I found it.

‐ You certainly did.

‐ Thank you.

‐ Do you live with the father,

or are you on your own?

‐ Neither.

I live with a different guy.

‐ That's gonna be a fun conversation when you get home.

‐ Oh, no, it's fine. He's gay.

‐ You are like a seven‐layer dip of mistakes.

Listen, I have four kids.

There's no perfect time to have a baby.

You figure it out.

‐ I'm so scared.

‐ Get used to it. That never goes away.

‐ Jack, why did I just have to wrestle

my very own "kah‐koo" clock away from that angry lady?

‐ Honestly, I‐‐I don't know how she got it.

‐ Well, obviously, you sold it to her.

‐ What are you insinuating?

‐ That you sold it to her.

‐ Okay, your stories are getting crazier and crazier.

Look, as soon as I'm done with my day,

I'll put the clock back, okay?

‐ I do not trust you with that clock!

‐ I said I'll put it back.

‐ Jack, why are you clock‐blocking?

‐ Estefan, look, okay, I'm sorry, all right?

The truth is, I hate this clock.

‐ [scoffs] ‐ Even more than I hate a woman

in a dress and sneakers holding a Diet Coke.

I‐‐I‐‐I tried to sell it

because I don't wanna start a fight.

‐ We are not fighting.

We are just being honest with each other.

You can sell it.

‐ I can? ‐ Sí,

as long as I can sell something of yours that I hate.

‐ Sure, whatever.

I mean, anything to avoid a fight.

Fine.

‐ Your big‐boy baby doll.

‐ [screams] Cher?

[deep voice] You put her down, you.

She is a national treasure.

No, whoa, whoa.

Stop it!

She's been through enough!

She was born in the wagon of a traveling show!

‐ Jack, you want your doll?

Catch her on her farewell tour!

[doll whooshing]

[doll thuds]

‐ [slow motion] No!

[screaming]

[humming] [swanky lounge music]

[screaming]

[breathing heavily]

I got you, babe.

[plucky piano music]

‐ Hi. Okay, I got 20 minutes until I go on the air.

‐ Great. ‐ Oh, by the way,

"HELLO! Magazine" just voted me England's Best Teeth.

‐ Ooh, who came in second, the queen's rabbit?

‐ Aw, I miss your jokes that I don't quite get.

So should we‐‐uh, should we start?

‐ Oh, yeah.

‐ Will?

Have we started?

‐ Oh, it started.

‐ Okay, you're not doing anything.

‐ No, no, I am.

I'm giving you the silent treatment,

and it is sexy.

Trust me, it's good.

Drove Karen wild.

‐ You had phone sex with Karen?

‐ It wasn't consensual.

Just give it a minute.

‐ [yawns]

‐ Are you falling asleep?

‐ No, I'm so sorry.

It's just, it's really late here,

and the news is so boring.

‐ Look, I‐‐I gotta do something real quick.

Just...Google glistening Paul Newman.

[phone rings]

‐ Bladder and Sons, this is Connie.

‐ Karen, I'm bombing.

‐ What do ya talk?

You were so good with me this afternoon,

I've been sitting on a bag of frozen peas all day.

‐ I didn't touch you!

Besides, I'm putting him to sleep.

I'm pretty much the C‐SPAN of phone sex.

‐ Honey, you gotta go wild.

Let's talk lubricants,

and I'm not talking about bed stuff.

I'm talking about under‐the‐sink stuff,

you know, stuff that burns, stuff that's for metal.

‐ Can we talk like human beings for a minute?

I'm trying to be intimate with the man I love,

and it's‐‐it's just not sexy.

‐ Will, honey, you're making this too complicated.

Just tell him what you want.

Isn't there something you've always wanted to do with a guy

maybe something you've never done before,

but don't give me any specifics.

That stuff grosses me out.

‐ Hi.

‐ Hey.

‐ McCoy, can I tell you what I want?

‐ Of course.

‐ It's not phone sex.

Although, please, feel free to leave your pants off.

I‐‐I‐‐I don't want to be on hold anymore.

I wanna‐‐I wanna talk about us, about our wedding,

whether we should register at Bergdorf's or Bloomingdale's.

‐ Bergdorf's. ‐ Of course Bergdorf's.

See, this works for me.

McCoy, I wanna talk about our future.

‐ Okay.

‐ I want us to have a baby.

‐ [laughing]

[glass shatters] Oh!

Okay, that was amazing!

‐ Now who's watching the yard sale?

‐ Jack, do you know what I despise?

‐ Besides the letter S? I can't imagine.

‐ Being lied to.

If you hated my "kah‐koo" clock so much,

you should have just told me.

‐ I didn't want us to have a fight.

‐ Why? What is the big deal about fighting?

‐ Because...

we're married now. ‐ So?

‐ When married people fight, they get divorced.

It happened to my mom. It happened to my dad...

Literally every parent in my life.

And I'm not gonna let that happen to us,

so from now on, if we get mad at each other,

we're just gonna have to stuff it deep down

and not acknowledge it.

‐ That is crazy.

We are two passionate men with minds of our own

and the perfect amount of body hair...

none.

Of course we will fight.

‐ We can't, okay? Not anymore.

You have to promise me. The stakes are too high.

‐ I do not care about

the altitude of the stakes, okay, Jack?

I only promise you that when you are wrong,

I will always fight with you forever.

‐ You did just say "always" and "forever."

‐ Even when we are very old and maybe you have a sickness

and I still have my health, I will fight you.

‐ In sickness and in health.

‐ I will not stop until the last breath

leaves your hairless, incorrect body.

‐ Till death do us part.

Oh, Steffie, we're really not gonna turn out like my parents.

We're gonna be together forever, aren't we?

‐ Mi amor, of course.

I love you. I could never leave you.

‐ Then let's always fight.

But not now. Let's be done with this one.

‐ Maybe we go upstairs and hose each other down.

‐ Great idea, but before that,

I really need a shower.

[cheerful piano music]

♪ ♪

‐ There you are.

I've been dying to talk to you.

So McCoy and I were trying to have phone sex,

and then something a whole lot bigger came up

that blew that right out of the water.

I shouldn't say bigger.

It's actually something really small,

about the size of a‐‐ oh, I don't know, a baby?

‐ How did‐‐ how did you know?

‐ I just knew.

‐ Wow, and‐‐ and this is good news?

‐ Obviously.

I mean, I'm‐‐I'm still not totally clear

how the actual impregnation part of it works,

but I watched a video, and I think I got the gist.

‐ You had to watch a video? How gay are you?

‐ What does that mean?

Why are you not more excited about this?

‐ It's just a lot to consider,

I mean, like the age thing, which is kind of a bummer.

‐ Oh, thanks, that's a terrible thing to say.

‐ Not to mention a lot of people think

that a baby should have a man in its life.

‐ Well, now you're just being hurtful.

You know, maybe we don't own tool belts,

but McCoy and I add up to at least one man between us.

‐ Wait, you and McCoy are having a baby?

‐ Yes, that's what I've been trying to tell you.

‐ Oh. ‐ What did you think I was‐‐

No.

‐ Yep.

‐ You're telling me that you're‐‐

‐ Yep.

And, believe me, I already know all the problems.

The doctor told me. The lady on the subway told me.

My sisters both told me when I called them.

I'm too old. I don't have any‐‐ ‐ Grace, this is the best news!

‐ It is?

‐ God, they're gonna be so cute.

And we'll race 'em around the living room,

and of course they're gonna be best friends.

‐ Okay, wait, wait.

You don't think that I'm a little old and unwed

and, you know, me?

‐ No, none of those things even occurred to me.

‐ Of course they didn't.

‐ I'm just thinking what an amazing mom you're gonna be.

‐ I think that too.

‐ Besides, I'm‐‐I'm older than you are.

I mean, by the time this baby's my age, I'll be...

well, I'll be dead, so new rule:

no more math in this apartment.

‐ Is this crazy?

We've already been down that road,

we talked, we processed,

and we closed the book on this.

‐ Yes, and just like every other book

that we have read over the past ten years,

we closed the book before we were finished.

We're talking about our babies.

We're having babies!

‐ We're having babies.

‐ Silence!

‐ I need everyone's attention because I've got big boobs.

I mean, big news.

Then again, look at 'em.

Wait, why are we here?

‐ You're taking us all out to dinner

so I can share my big news.

‐ Oh, what is it?

‐ Estefan and I survived

our first fight as a married couple,

and now I feel like I can survive anything.

That's why we're talking about having a baby.

What was that for?

‐ You're not having a kid!

We don't do kids!

It would mess up everything!

Look around you.

Nobody in this room

should ever even think about having a baby...

Not you, not me, not him, and certainly not her.

‐ Oh, my God, you're right.

It‐‐it‐‐it would be insane for any one of us

to bring a child into the world.

Right, you guys? Come on, let's go.

‐ Should we tell 'em?

‐ Eh, let's wait till one of us is showing.

[upbeat piano flourish]