Original subtitles

["LOVELY DAY/GOOD AS HELL MASHUP" PLAYING]

So remember that the client pays for the shoot,

but we pay for the overtime.

So whatever you do, don't go over.

But make the commercial as good as possible too, right?

[SIGHS] Um, yeah. Sure. Whatever.

[GASPS] Ooh, and I had an idea.

Maybe we could all have a picnic together in the conference room?

Um, I can't make it.

- I didn't tell you when it was. - I know.

Oh, come on, Barbara. Could be fun.

We could get to know each other a little.

Maybe loosen things up around here.

Well, I've worked with this lot before,

and, um, yeah, this is as loose as they get.

- Hmm. We'll see about that, Babs. - Oh, no. Don't.

Yep. I felt that as soon as I said it.

[CLEARS THROAT, BREATHES DEEPLY] All right, I'm headed out.

Everyone have a great day, yeah?

Oi, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

What wouldn't she do?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Good morning, Viet...

- Ted! - [LAUGHING]

- Hey, look who's here. Hi, Keeley. - Hello, Ted.

Whoa! Trent Crimm. Are you kidding me?

Hey, nice to see you, man.

You know, they got a big old Ziploc bag full of your hair ties

down at the lost and found. You should pop on down,

if you still want 'em.

Thank you. Mr. Crimm has requested to follow the club this year.

Ooh.

- He wants to write a book about us. - Oh, yeah?

I think there's a story here worth telling, Ted.

Yes, and we all love the idea.

But obviously, as manager,

we thought you should have the final decision. [CHUCKLES]

[STAMMERS, CLICKS TONGUE] Oh, okay, uh...

I mean, geez, you know, like, um... [CLICKING TONGUE]

[MOUTHING WORDS] No.

[INHALES DEEPLY] Whoo. [EXHALES SHARPLY, BABBLES]

Sure, what the heck? Why not? When can you start?

No time like the present. W... Except 11:11. That's my wishing time.

Or 23:11, if, uh, I'm at a military base or Euro Disney.

Right, well. [INHALES DEEPLY] Decision made. [EXHALES SHARPLY]

Wonderful. Trent, welcome.

[PHONE BUZZES]

- Holy shit. - Uh-oh.

Zava is leaving Juventus.

Whoa!

What about their kids?

I'm sorry. I didn't know what any of those things meant.

I thought it was like Greek mythology or something.

I was just lost. I just went with that. Sorry.

Zava's a world-class striker who's about to leave his club in Italy.

Ooh, cacio later, Pepe. [CHUCKLES]

Apparently, he wants to play in the Premier League

because his wife binged The Office and she wants to live in England.

Ooh, I think you mean Scranton, Pennsylvania, buddy.

No, the British Office, Ted.

Oh, that's right. Y'all did a premake over here.

If we got Zava, that would be amazing.

He would be huge for the club's brand.

He's got like 90 million followers.

One time he just posted the word "7 million likes."

It got 10 million likes.

Yes, but he is very expensive.

And isn't he supposed to be a bit of a diva?

Yes, huge diva. Enormous.

He goes through teams like you go through manicurists.

The fumes make me dizzy, and I overshare.

Please don't print that.

Zava has played for 14 teams in 15 years,

leaving behind nothing but chaos and trophies.

[SIGHS] Beautiful, shiny trophies.

Yes, but, Leslie, who wants to deal with all that drama?

Apparently, everyone who can afford him.

- Chelsea, Arsenal, United, West Ham. - [SIGHS]

I say, let's just go for it.

I mean, maybe he's a handful, but who doesn't love a handful?

I mean, if you're talking salted peanuts, yes, please.

If you're talking Skittles though, no, thank you.

You know, the dye melts, and it gets all over your fingers,

makes 'em all sticky. [CHUCKLES]

And that, you can print.

- Wonderful. Let's set up a meeting. - Great.

- [CHUCKLES] Let's go and get Zava. - Yes!

- We're doing it. - Zava dabba doo! [LAUGHING]

- [LAUGHS] - [KEELEY] Yeah.

Here we go. Yeah, come on.

[KEELEY] This is exciting.

So, am I to assume that you're going to pursue

a notoriously mercurial player you can't really afford simply

because the team your ex-husband owns wants him?

[MOUTHING WORDS] No, no, no, no, no.

Yes.

Love that.

So, hey, come on. Talk to me.

What's it like being the boss of your own Keeley Street Band, huh?

- Oh, I think it's going really good. - Yeah?

- Yeah. [STAMMERS] - Good, good.

Well, I do wish that my co-workers would loosen up just a little bit.

- Mmm. You want my advice? - Yes.

Y'all should go out and do something together.

[STAMMERS] You know, like outside of work.

- That's a great idea. - Yeah, yeah.

[GASPS] Ooh, like, maybe I could hire a shaman

and we could do a bunch of ayahuasca under a blood moon.

I-I was thinking something like an escape room,

but, hey, Clamato Clamato, right?

- Yeah. [CHUCKLES] Thanks, Ted. - Good to see you. Yeah.

- Keeley! - [GASPS] Yeah?

Isaac. Hi. You all right?

Yeah. Can you help me get a shoe deal?

Oh, I'd love to. Any brand in particular?

No brands. Just shoes, in general. You know.

Great. I'll look into it for you.

[SNAPS]

- Hi, guys. - Keeley.

Hi, Keeley.

- Hi, Jamie. - How you doing? You good, yeah?

Yeah, I'm all right. You?

Yeah, yeah. Not... Not bad. Yeah, yeah. Um, g-gym.

- Just went to the gym. So, yeah. Good. - Good.

Uh... Glad you're good. Um, I'll see you later.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Bye.

- Bruv. - What's up, man?

Whoa. Keeley and Roy have broken up.

What? Who told you that?

It's not "who," bruv. It's "what." Kinesics.

Study of body language. Just look at 'em.

No eye contact, Keeley's crossed arms.

Roy's clenched arse. It's science.

- What do you want? - You and Keeley break up?

- Who told you that? - No one.

I use body science.

Why? Is it true?

[GRUNTS]

Hmm.

What's that fucking face?

It's called empathy, you dusty, old fart.

Look, as someone who's been dumped by Keeley, I get it.

- She didn't dump me. - You dumped her? Why?

I don't want to talk about it. Why'd you come in here?

Oh, let me guess.

You want to know if it's okay to ask her out, right?

No, I was just... [STAMMERS] I was just seeing if you were okay, man.

Dickhead.

- What the fuck you doing? - I was gonna hug you.

- Well, you came at me too fast. - Jesus, sorry.

I forget how skittish elderly people could be 'cause of the war.

Come on, man. I was just trying to comfort you.

Well, I don't want comfort.

And I told you, I don't want to talk about it.

So don't you say a fucking word. Do you hear me?

Fine, I won't.

And don't you say a fucking word about it either, William.

I... No, no, I won't.

I... I actually just went through a bit of a breakup myself,

so I can somewhat relate.

Um, hey, maybe we should all go out sometime.

Us three. You know, get a couple drinks, couple pints, couple shots.

Fishbowls. [INHALES DEEPLY] Single guys club.

Or I can just not say a fucking word.

No, I hear you. I hear you loud and clear.

Well, you are a sleepwalker.

I don't know what else to tell you. Period.

Hey, Coach.

[CLICKS TONGUE] What are you doing?

Oh, just taking a peek at one

of these soccer strategy books you always got your nose in. [CHUCKLES]

What do you think?

Well, given the struggles I've already had with the table of contents,

I think I might be best served to wait

until this son of a gun comes out as a movie. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, let me ask you a couple questions.

One, what would you think if we sign Zava?

- [SCREAMS] - Ooh. That's good, right?

- [SIGHS] Zava? Yeah. - Okay.

[STAMMERS] Second question. Who is Zava?

[STAMMERS] He's a living legend. You know who Zava is.

Mmm, beg to differ, Claudia Schiffer.

- [SCREAMS] - [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Now why you got me watching the Veggie Dog Vigilante here?

Hey. Whoa.

- No way. - [GRUNTS]

[COACH BEARD] Because that's Zava.

That's Zava?

Well, shoot. I didn't know this fella played football.

[CHUCKLES] Hey, I said football without even thinking about it.

Boy, that book really works.

- [PHONE CHIMES] - Ooh.

Ooh, 11:11. Make a wish.

- What'd you wish for? Oh, come on, Coach. - I can't tell you that.

I just don't want our wishes to cancel each other out.

- That's not how it works. - [SAM] Shut the fuck up.

- Take it back. - Uh-oh, now what?

Take it back.

I can't take back things that's already happened.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Fellas, what's wrong?

Coach, w-we just heard the most upsetting rumor.

- Okay, is this about us getting Zava? - [PLAYER] Huh?

- What? - We're getting Zava?

I just wished for that 30 seconds ago.

[CLAMORING, CHEERING]

Whoa, whoa, wait, no, whoa, whoa.

Hold on a second, okay?

If y'all weren't talking about Zava, what were you so upset about?

Is it 'cause Trent Crimm's writing a book about us?

- What? - [MURMURING]

Wait, Trent Crimm's writing a book about Zava joining our team?

[STAMMERS] No, no. He's just coming here

to write a book about the team.

Zava's writing a book about us?

No, Trent Crimm.

Why would Zava write a book about Trent Crimm?

[PLAYERS SHOUTING]

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop! Okay, hold on a second.

If y'all didn't know about Zava, which may or may not happen,

and y'all didn't know about Trent Crimm, which is happening,

then what were you so worked up about?

Roy and Keeley broke up.

[SCREAMS]

- [EXCLAIMS] - Whoa, Coach.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. [CHUCKLES] Sorry, no, I'm okay.

Got a little light-headed there. Yeah, thank you.

Fuck's going on?

- [ALL] Aw. - Tartt!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. I didn't say anything.

I will fucking kill you.

No, I came in, and they was talking about us getting Zava.

What? We're getting Zava?

Roy, do you want to talk about it?

No, I'm not talking about me and Keeley.

No, I meant Zava. Do you want to talk about it?

Sure, he's nuts, but he'll help us win games.

That time I was actually talking about you and Keeley.

- Fuck's sake. - Hey, uh, Will, come here a sec.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm here. - Hey.

I need you to run to my apartment, go into my desk,

and grab my CD called "Ted's breakup mix." Okay?

- Got it. What's a CD? - Okay.

- Oh, boy. - On it.

Hey, Coach, you gonna need my keys.

- I got a set. - Right.

- [STAMMERS] Thanks. Don't worry about it. - Okay.

Hey, Roy, look, we're here for you. Okay?

We've all been dumped before, right, fellas?

[PLAYERS MURMURING]

She didn't dump me. I broke up with her.

- [PLAYERS MURMURING] - [SCREAMS] What?

This day couldn't get any worse.

And this is the locker room. Hello, boys.

- I believe you all know Trent Crimm. - Gentlemen.

The fuck is this prick doing here?

Trent's writing a book about our season,

so let's welcome him with open arms and open minds.

- Absolutely. Yes. - [PLAYERS CHATTERING]

Oi! Listen up!

No one says a fucking word around this prick

unless they want my forehead through their fucking skull!

Don't worry.

- Okay, well, um... - [DOOR SLAMS]

... we'll work out the specifics later. [CHUCKLES]

Um, but until then, welcome, Trent. [CHUCKLES]

Whoo! [CHUCKLES]

[PLAYER SHUSHES]

I mean, fuck off, Trent Crimm.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[BLEATS]

- And cut! Thank you, folks. Moving on. - [BELL RINGS]

Okay. Now the lamb chugs a Cafka mini and poof,

turns into a smoking hot lion.

Great, b-but we can't actually

make the lamb drink the Cafka mini, right?

- No, of course not. - [JIMMY] Okay, good.

We were told by the people in the lab, the lamb cannot drink it.

Yeah, no, it will die instantly.

- Something about enzymes. - Hmm.

I totally get it.

- I just don't think she does. - No. I don't think she got it.

Keeley fucking Jones.

Shandy fucking Fine?

[SCREAMS, LAUGHS]

Oh, my God! I didn't know you were doing this.

I didn't know you owned a skirt that covered your whole arse.

Oi, you borrowed and never returned many of those skirts.

And I never will.

One of the perks of living with you and the girls.

- Oh, the girls! How are they? How's Chloe? - Uh, married a footballer.

- And Emma? - Married a footballer.

And what about you?

Married a footballer, divorced a footballer.

And now I'm back here doing this.

But enough about me. I saw you in Vanity Fair.

- Fully clothed. And I cried. - [CHUCKLES]

I'm so proud of you, babe. We all are.

Proud of me? Why?

'Cause you made it out all by yourself. [CHUCKLES]

[SNIFFING] What is that smell?

Oh, apologies, uh, lamb droppings

are one of nature's most unpleasant aromas.

Just be grateful Clarice here is over 30 days old.

A week ago, her poop looked like sour, yellow toothpaste.

- [LAMB BLEATING] - [GAGS] Ugh!

Oh, no, no. Don't try and sweep it.

No, you gotta pick it up like sushi or it'll smear.

I was married to a footballer.

[SHANDY] That's it. Cheers, babe.

- Hey, Keeley. - Yes?

Jimmy and I think the club feels too empty.

Yeah, it should feel totally packed.

I mean, can we get maybe another 100 extras?

- A hundred more, right now? - Mmm.

- Yeah. - Um...

You could just add a strobe effect to the post

and let people cross close to camera.

It'll feel really packed,

and you won't have to spend any more money.

- I love that. - Let's do that.

Thank you so much.

Look at you. Basically running the shoot.

Oh, maybe one day I'll make it out like you did.

Yeah.

[COMPUTER RINGING]

Hello, Mother.

Oh, my God, darling... [INHALES SHARPLY]

... I'm so pleased to hear your voice.

I dreamt last night that you'd been murdered.

No, still here.

[SIGHS]

Wait, why are you in a hotel room?

I thought you were meant to be on some three-day,

spiritual camping retreat.

I am. I'm not sleeping out there.

Far too many stars.

I keep thinking they're all staring at me, you know. [INHALES SHARPLY]

No, but listen. I've got some exciting news for you.

I spoke to Tish the other day,

and she's agreed to consider meeting with you.

Wow! Your psychic has actually agreed

to let me pay her a lot of money to speak with her? Amazing.

N... Well, no. She's considering it.

But I think you meeting with Tish would be perfect because,

well, you know, you are in desperate need of some maternal guidance.

Just a minute.

There's a group of people gathering outside for scream therapy,

which is my favorite bit. [INHALES SHARPLY]

So I'd better go now because I mustn't use my voice.

- Bye-bye, sausage. - But you called me.

[KNOCKING] I have an update on the meeting with Zava.

Oh, great.

- Zava doesn't want to meet with us. - What? Why not?

Uh, his people said,

"It would be a waste of time for us and an embarrassment for him."

Oh, that feels like an unnecessarily cruel response.

But, good news, Zava is signing with Chelsea.

W-Why is that good news?

Because he's not signing with West Ham.

He came right out and said, "I will not sign with West Ham."

Oh, shit. That's only going to make Rupert want him more.

Uh, there's nothing Rupert can do.

Oh, great. Now you've jinxed it.

- But I thi... - No, it's too late. Jinxed it.

- But I do think that... [STAMMERS] - It's done.

- Well done. - Oh.

["A WELL RESPECTED MAN" PLAYING]

Afternoon.

Hi.

Ah, Jamie.

Ah, no. No. [CHUCKLES]

Looking good out there today.

Cool.

[PLAYERS CLAMORING]

[SONG CONTINUES]

[SIGHS]

Ah. Thanks for sharing your office with me.

Even if it was Ted's idea. [CHUCKLES]

[ROY GROANS]

[TRENT SIGHS]

So, Richmond against Chelsea?

That will be your first time back there since you retired. Right?

Right.

[EXHALING IN SHORT BURSTS]

- [PHONE RINGING] - [SIGHS] Sorry.

Yeah, it's my publisher. [INHALES SHARPLY] I'll be quick.

Hey. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. Well, I-I'm here now.

[SMACKS LIPS] It's going very well, actually.

[INHALES SHARPLY] I'm just getting settled in. [GRUNTS]

Um, yes. [STAMMERS] Everyone's been, um...

[INHALES SHARPLY]... very welcom... [EXHALES SHARPLY]... welcoming.

Yeah. No, I can hear that, um... [CLEARS THROAT]... that noise too.

Uh, I'm not sure if that's my... Is that me or you?

I... Do you know what? [STAMMERS] Bear with me. One moment.

[INHALES SHARPLY] I'll, uh, I'll take this outside.

[SIGHS]

- Is this right? [LAUGHS] - It is. [CHUCKLES]

[CLEARS THROAT] Uh, yes. Your company credit card arrived.

Awesome. Thank you.

- Do not use it. - Okay.

Barbara, I would love for you to meet Shandy.

- Hi. - Oh, hello. Hi.

She's the newest member of KJPR.

Oh. Um, what position has she been hired for?

She will be consulting

for affiliate management

and...

- client relationships. - Yeah.

[SMACKS LIPS] Okay.

Would you have a-a seat, uh, Shandy? Shandy, is it?

- Yeah. [SMACKS LIPS] Sorry. - So, uh, when I p...

Just... Yeah, just put it in there. Put the sweet in there.

Um, well, I'd love to know what experience you have in these areas.

- Uh, in relationships, tons. - Mmm.

The rest of it, not much. [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS, COUGHS]

And where did you go to university?

- [SMACKS LIPS] I didn't go university. - Didn't go?

- No. - Okay.

And what were you doing right before this?

[CLICKS TONGUE] I was modeling. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah. Okay, thanks, Shandy.

All right. I think I've got it.

So you've hired a former model with no previous experience,

no higher education for a job that doesn't exist. Lovely.

Well, welcome to the team, Shandy.

I'm so sorry. I'll handle this.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Barbara, I need a minute to talk with you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

The way you just treated Shandy was incredibly rude. It was hurtful.

- What? - That is a massive amount of snow globes.

Oh, yeah. I-I collect them. [STAMMERS]

Well, you know, the firm sends me from, um, company to company,

and yeah, wherever I go, I just, uh, buy a snow globe.

It's a little bit silly, really.

No, I think it's incredibly charming.

You cannot speak to people like that. Not here.

I know Shandy's my friend, and you're right.

She does not have the experience.

But she is smart. She's eager. I believe in her.

Like the firm must believe in you

to send you all over the world to all those lovely places, right?

Maybe you and I can see how good it feels to believe in someone else.

Together. Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

[SIGHS] Client relations coordinator.

- Huh? - That's her title.

[GASPS] Oh, good. Yes. Just in case you hadn't realized,

I totally made up that one I told you before.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[KEELEY] Hello. Hi.

- [TRENT] Roy. - No.

[SIGHS] I understand your hesitation having me here.

You're protective of the team, and I admire how much they respect you.

It's not easy getting such fulfillment from a second career.

I'm not sure I even got it from my first. [SIGHS]

[STAMMERS] Maybe you could just give me a chance.

Fuck off.

Wow, okay.

[ARLO] A new season begins and hope springs eternal,

except perhaps for AFC Richmond.

They return to the Premier League after a one-year absence

but are widely expected to have a rather short stay.

Worse yet, their campaign begins here at Stamford Bridge,

the home of the formidable Chelsea Football Club.

To be promoted to the Premier League

is like going from a council estate to the penthouse, Arlo.

Richmond should enjoy it while it lasts.

Gentlemen, welcome back to the Premier League.

Ah, back where we belong. Pip pip.

- [PAUL, BAZ LAUGHING] - Feels like we never left. [LAUGHS]

Here you go, lads.

Uh, Mae. I got the fish and chips.

I had the burger.

It's good to be back. [SIGHS]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

How's work? How's your friend doing?

- Shandy? Yeah, she's doing great. - Mmm.

- Mmm. Good. [CHUCKLES] - Yeah.

She's just full of ideas.

- Oh, excuse me. Excuse me. - Uh-oh.

- Thank you. Sorry. Excuse me. - Any news?

Zava and Chelsea are pretty much a done deal.

I have the confirmation of that from a very reliable source.

Oh, what source?

A friend of my wife knows an agent

whose masseuse moonlights as an airline steward on private jets.

Now... [STAMMERS] ... she wasn't working today,

but her coworker who can read lips,

he saw Zava mouth the word "Chelsea" a lot.

- God, I wish I could read lips. - Yeah.

Okay. Has anyone seen Rupert? Is there any sign of him?

No, Rebecca. He's not here.

And even if he was, there's nothing he can do.

Oh, great. Jinxed it again.

- [GROANS, SIGHS] - [SIGHS]

[FANS CHATTERING]

Fuck you, you old geezer.

- Hello, Roy. Welcome back. - How you doing, mate?

Uh, heard the news. Mmm.

I broke up with her.

Why? I mean, you guys were perfect together.

Fuckin' Bruce.

[FAN 1] Oi, that's Roy Kent.

- [FAN 2] Roy! - [FAN 3] Roy Kent!

[FAN 4] We love you, Roy!

[FANS CHANTING] He's here, he's there, he's every fucking where,

Roy Kent! Roy Kent!

[CHANTING] He's here, he's there, he's every fucking where,

Roy Kent, Roy Kent! He's here...

[ARLO] Now that's a lovely moment.

Chelsea fans letting their former captain, Roy Kent,

know how they still feel about him.

[FANS CONTINUE CHANTING] Roy Kent, Roy Kent!

He's here, he's there, he's every fucking where,

Roy Kent, Roy Kent...

[FANS CHEERING, WHISTLING]

- [MOUTHING WORDS] Thank you. - [FAN 6] Oh, my gosh. Is that Zava?

There he is.

[FAN 7] Look, it's Zava.

- Oh. - [FANS CHEERING] Zava! Zava! Zava!

[ARLO] And the great Zava makes his appearance.

Will he be signing for Chelsea today? What are you hearing, Chris?

[CHRIS] Oh, all sorts of things.

The crowd, your voice, a slight ringing

because I bumped my head earlier.

Holy...

[FANS CHEERING]

- Jamie. - What?

It's Zava.

- So what, man? - My heart is racing.

I haven't been this nervous to play in front of someone

since I was in El Chapo's youth league.

Move, man.

[MOUTHING WORDS] Oh, my God. I cannot believe it.

Wow, we're in the same city as Zava.

Thank God we dressed up.

[FANS CHEERING]

[ARLO] The players are in position, awaiting the referee's whistle.

- [WHISTLE BLOWS] - [ARLO] And we're off. Another season begins.

[CAMERA CLICKING]

Leslie, will you pull yourself together?

[ARLO] Hughes tries for Todd, but Chelsea intercepts.

The Greyhounds are in massive jeopardy now.

Oh, some invention. Look at that pace. High-pressure football.

[FANS CHEERING]

- [ARLO] And Chelsea on the board... - Fuck!

- [ARLO] ... with beautiful counterattack... - Shit.

... against a reeling Richmond.

[FANS IN PUB] No! [GROANING, MURMURING]

[ARLO] Absolutely devastating.

Take off those fucking hats. They're bad luck.

- Same old shit. - [REFEREE BLOWS WHISTLE]

- [ARLO] The ref blows his whistle... - It's all right.

... for the conclusion of the first half,

and it's Chelsea 1, Richmond nil.

[CHRIS] You have to give Richmond credit

for hanging on as long as they did, Arlo.

- Oh, that's beautiful. - Yeah.

[GAGS]

What now?

I might've jinxed it.

I knew it.

Would you please go and find out as much as you can

from your vast network of lip-reading massage therapists?

- [HIGGINS] Okay. Pardon me. Excuse me. - [SIGHS]

[HIGGINS] Excuse me. Pardon me.

- Rupert's gonna land Zava. - You don't know that.

Years ago, when I was bartending in that private club,

Rupert and his then wife came into the bar. [SIGHS]

He was the life and soul of the party.

Buying rounds of drinks for everyone,

telling stories. Just charm personified.

And he left me a massive tip. And then about a week later,

he came back without his wife and asked me out.

- I, of course, said no. Then he left. - What a dick.

But then he came back the next night and the next night and the next.

And he would just sit at the bar

with a drink and chatted to me until close.

And he just said, "It doesn't matter if you ever go out with me.

It's just worth it being here to get to know you."

[CHUCKLES]

It's a fine line between stalking and romance.

Mmm. And after about six weeks of that, he asked me out again.

And I said yes without any hesitation.

Because by that point... [INHALES SHARPLY]

... I just felt so lucky because he wanted me.

He made me feel special. Chosen.

He made me feel like that.

[SMACKS LIPS, SIGHS]

Hmm.

[CHATTERING]

Hey, fellas. Listen up.

We get one goal, we're right back in this thing, yeah?

But right now, we are being so unoffensive,

we might as well be a Hallmark Christmas movie,

you know what I'm saying?

- What? - What's that?

I mean, Coach, how many shots on goal we have that half?

- One. - Yeah, that's what I thought.

And that one was pretty much a mistake. Am I correct, Dani?

Yes, it bounced off my face. But my face almost scored.

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

[DANI] Yes, it was close.

- Coach. - Yeah, Jamie.

- [JAMIE] One idea. - What you got?

Right, so every time they're going past the halfway line, they're just...

[SHUSHES]

[STAMMERS] Trent, hold on a second.

Roy, can I speak with you?

Oi, what the fuck's a Hallmark Christmas movie?

Hey, look, man, I don't know what your beef is with Trent,

but I'm gonna need you to order off

the vegan menu right now and squash it.

'Cause your ego's about to sabotage

a whole lot more than a silly football match.

You feel me?

Thank you.

And Hallmark Christmas movies are films that feature women

from the big city falling in love with their childhood crushes.

It's usually some fella that owns a Christmas tree farm.

Sometimes he's also Santa Claus or a prince.

They suck, but they're great.

But they also mostly suck.

But they're also kinda great.

They're good with the sound off.

Now go fix this, please.

[PLAYERS MUTTERING]

Crimm!

[CLEARS THROAT]

It's actually quite funny

- when he yells at other people, innit? - [CHUCKLES]

Hold this.

"Newcomer Roy Kent is an overhyped, so-called prodigy

whose unbridled rage and mediocre talent

rendered his Premier League debut a profound disappointment."

- Do you know who wrote that? - [SWALLOWS]

I was 17 years old.

This fucking wrecked me.

I thought I was being edgy.

I was just trying to make a name for myself. [BREATHING DEEPLY]

All I really did was, uh, look for the worst in people. I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Give me that.

You know, it's funny.

- We had a lot in common back then. - We did?

We both thought one another sucked shit at their job.

And now look at us. [CHUCKLES]

- Go. - Yeah.

- [PLAYERS MUTTERING] - [DANI SHUSHES]

[ROY] Oi.

- You can talk around this prick now. - [PLAYERS SIGH] Oh.

Oi. Hold on, yo, yo, Jamie. What were you saying?

Yeah, man. Listen. What I'm saying is, every time we go past halfway,

they're just blocking up the passing lanes, you get that?

Yes, yes. That's right. They're not marking us.

So just keep dribbling until they stop you.

Exactly! Let's take it all the way and fucking win this.

[PLAYERS CHEERING] Yes! Yeah!

[STAMMERING] Thank you, thank you.

- [HIGGINS PANTING] - Well?

I just got off the phone with my son's karate teacher,

who used to date the woman who ran Zava's avocado farm...

- Oh, would you please get on with it? - [SIGHS] He might be going to West Ham.

- Shit. - I knew it.

- [GROANS] - [SIGHS]

Rupert always gets what he wants.

[ANTHEMIC SONG PLAYING]

[INHALES SHARPLY] You know what?

If Rupert can sweet-talk Zava into joining his club, then so can I.

- [KEELEY GASPS] Yes. - [REBECCA] Excuse me.

- Oh! - [REBECCA] Thank you. Sorry.

[ARLO] And we're back for the second half.

Chris, do you think either of these teams

made any adjustments in the locker rooms?

[CHRIS] Oh, I'm sure they did, Arlo.

But professional athletes don't mind

adjusting themselves in public either.

Ah, hello there. Rebecca Welton, AFC Richmond.

I'd love to see Zava. Thank you.

No one gets in to see Zava.

- I just saw Mr. Mannion... - [RUPERT] Rebecca, my dear.

- Rupert. What a lovely surprise. - Yeah.

- There you go, Mr. Mannion. - Thank you, Matthew.

Oh. Congratulations, by the way,

on the win against Leicester yesterday.

Thank you. Yeah. We are so lucky to have a manager like Nathan.

He's a gaffer who really understands the game. Such an advantage.

- Ah, Zava. - [REBECCA] Ah.

Let me introduce Rebecca Welton. My ex-wife.

And the owner of AFC Richmond.

[RUPERT] Yeah, of course.

It's an honor for you to meet me.

- See you soon. - Can't wait.

He will look so great in claret and blue. Hmm.

[INHALES SHARPLY] You know, Rupert, I was a little bit surprised

when you bought West Ham.

I always thought that Richmond was your one true love.

Oh. Guess I'm just like any man.

Just get bored with the same old, same old.

Good luck with this season.

[URINATING]

You are such a fucking chickenshit.

I mean, if you were great, truly great, you could play anywhere.

But instead you choose a club like West Ham,

because it's big and shiny,

and you know that they'll win whether you're there or not.

And you'll never have to wonder

if you're still as good as you tell everyone you are.

[URINATING PAUSES, CONTINUES]

But you and I know that you're not. You're overrated. You're overpaid.

[SNIFFS] And you eat too much fucking asparagus.

[URINATING CONTINUES]

[SNIFFS]

[ARLO] Richmond's defending has kept them in this match,

and they are one moment of inspiration away

from going home with an unlikely point.

Well, Chelsea giving Hughes space.

[CHRIS] If they're going to give him space, he's going to take it.

[ARLO] Possibilities here. Hughes has options.

[ARLO] He slides it through to Tartt.

- [SHOUTS] - [ARLO] Is this the moment?

[ARLO] Obisanya's gonna have a go.

Oh! It's in, off the face of Rojas!

- Absolutely brilliant. - Yes!

[ARLO] In the blink of an eye. Would you believe it?

- [FANS CHEERING, SHOUTING] - [ARLO] An historic goal, and it's 1-1.

My face scored a goal! My face scored a goal!

[PLAYERS LAUGHING, CHEERING]

Chris, have you ever scored with your face?

I've scored with every part of my body, Arlo.

That's a ridiculous question.

- [LAUGHS] That was amazing. - Yeah, mate. [LAUGHS]

Do you think Zava saw?

Don't be a dick, man.

Come on. [PANTS, SNIFFS]

[REBECCA] Excuse me. Sorry.

Ooh.

- Oi, how'd it go? - [SIGHS]

- Did you sweet-talk him? - Uh, what's the opposite of that?

Sour-yell.

Yeah, I did that.

- [REFEREE BLOWS WHISTLE] - [FANS CHEERING]

[ARLO] And Richmond managed to secure a 1-1 draw

against Chelsea in this gripping West London derby.

- There we go. There you go. - [ARLO] They'll be leaving Stamford Bridge

with a well-deserved point on the table.

[FANS CHEERING]

- Hello, everyone. Thanks for joining us. - [REPORTERS CLAMORING]

Obviously not the result we were hoping for today.

But I am certain that this afternoon's announcement

will raise every Chelsea fan's spirits.

- Now, I know... - Still think we need to get to the office.

It won't be safe here.

[MANAGER] Please welcome the newest member

of Chelsea Football Club.

Zava.

[REPORTERS APPLAUDING]

[MANAGER] Welcome, Zava. Please take a seat.

All right. You just sign. And there's the pen.

Please.

[SIGHS]

I have changed my mind. Zava will not play for Chelsea.

[REPORTERS CHATTERING]

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, God. I'm sorry. I can't watch this.

[REPORTERS SHOUTING QUESTIONS]

Zava will play for Richmond.

[REPORTERS CHATTERING]

You twat!

- May I keep the pen? - Sure.

[REBECCA] What? Oh!

- [KEELEY SHRIEKS, SHOUTS] - Oh! [CHUCKLES]

[MOUTHING WORDS] What the fuck?

- You did it. - Yeah.

- You did it! - Oh, my God.

- [PLAYERS CHATTERING] - [BUMBERCATCH] Yo! We've got Zava.

- [SHRIEKS] - [SAM] What?

- We've got Zava! Look! - [SHRIEKS]

[PLAYERS CHEERING, LAUGHING] Oh! Oh, shit! Oh!

Fans are not gonna like this.

[FANS CHANTING] Zava! We got you, Zava!

We got you, Zava! We got you, ra, ra, ra!

[CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

- All right, man. Take care, man. - Take care.

- Zava is coming here. - Ah, Zava.

[PAPER RIPPING]

What you up to tonight, Coach? You wanna race-walk home together?

Uh, can't. Jane and I are gonna go see

her friend's immersive theater show

about the menstrual cycle.

Oh. All right, well, I hope you're not late. [CHUCKLES]

Please tell Jane I said hello.

I would, but, uh, she still finds our relationship threatening.

Hmm.

- Night, guys. - Good night.

Night, Coach. [CHUCKLES]

What do you say, Mr. Crimm? Heck of a first week, yeah?

- And we've only just begun. - Mm-hmm. [CHUCKLES]

- Good night. - Night, Roy.

Hey, Roy. I'm just curious, what was it like being back at Chelsea?

All them fans sure were happy to see you. [CHUCKLES]

I don't know. Just felt... sad. Or something.

Really? Why is that?

[SIGHING]

[ROY CLEARS THROAT]

Last season I was there, we played a match against Arsenal,

- and we fucking murdered 'em. Mmm. - I remember, 3-nil.

Yeah.

But I played like shit.

Right?

[GRUNTS]

I did.

That was the first time, ever, I thought,

"I can't keep up anymore.

I'm not good enough."

And that was all I could think about for the rest of the year.

I knew it was only gonna get worse.

So at the end of the season, I left.

Everyone was shocked. The club was shocked. The fans. The press.

[MOUTHING WORDS] Yeah.

I didn't wanna be one of them broken-down footballers

just taking up space until they're dropped,

years after they should have been.

Yeah, well, a lot of folks think it's better

to quit than to be fired, you know?

Yeah.

But going back there today...

there's a part of me...

thinking maybe I should have stayed...

and just fucking...

enjoyed myself.

["NIGHT'S FALLING" PLAYING]

But that is not who I am,

I guess.

Not yet.

Hmm.

But, hey, if you wouldn't have left Chelsea when you did,

we probably never would have met.

[CHUCKLES]

- Good night. - Good night.

Good night, Roy.

[CHUCKLES]

Sport.

It's quite the metaphor. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah. It also makes for a heck of a nickname.

Yeah.

- Night, Ted. - Good night, sport.

[ZIPPER CLOSES]

Hmm.

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -