Original subtitles

Dare say you'll be glad to get home. Have you anyone waiting?

- Well... not down there - I wish I had

It�s all my own fault

No sooner in old Blighty than I�m off again

A regular globetrotter

Ah, well, back to� what's the word? Austerity

- I thought I�d gotten away from it forever - Hard luck

I say, is that your lot?

First Officer's compliments, sir

You and Mr Trumper can disembark

by B deck gangway, starboard side

Thank you

I thought you might like a paper

- The pilot brings them - Thanks

Well, let's see if there's any good news for a change

- Oh, old Ancred has bought it - Who?

Sir Henry Ancred. When I was a kid, I was dragged off to see him in Othello

Or Macbeth, was it? One of those johnnies

Talk about boring. Died on his birthday, it seems

Really?

The occasion was marked

by the unveiling of his portrait commissioned from Miss Agatha Troy, RA

May I see that, please?

Rotten luck

Well, it seems as though you'll just have to wait until you've gone ashore

Damn! I say, that's a real Panama

Oh, well, I suppose I wouldn�t be wearing it again for a year or two

I think you can count on that at least

Time to go ashore, Mr Trumper

Oh, yes?

- Back so soon, then? - It�s been two months

Has it? Well, I never

Is that for me?

- Flowers have a tendency to wilt - I haven't seen one of those in years

Perhaps I�ll use it for a still life

I wouldn�t have minded a bank robber...

.. or even a murderer, a strangler, say,

or one of those hen-pecked little fellows who's seen his wife off with an axe

Con men are the lower depths,

they ooze what they think is charm and it's endless

Day and night... lay it on with a trowel

I know the feeling

When I think of sharing that broom cupboard of a cabin all the way from...

From Cape Town, was it?

- Excuse me? - What?

Oh, I just thought that after

telling me all about your adventures in India...

South Africa

that you�d condescended to ask what I�d been doing for the past whatever it was

- I know what you've been doing - Really?

Clever you, then

You've been painting that old actor Ancred who's upped and died

- My God - What's the matter?

- Do you know everything? - One reads the Times

I�ve been trying to... what's that awful expression?

Get up a head of steam to tell you about it

- What's the matter? - Rory, I�m not scatterbrained, am I?

No, don�t laugh. The old man's dead

They all said it was the crayfish

but what about the red paint on the banister?

Or that horrid little book about how to embalm a corpse?

If it comes down to it, what happened to the arsenic?

Oh, look, I am making sense. inside my head I know I am

It�s simply that I�m no good at telling a story

But you're going to

I knew it was all a mistake when I couldn't enjoy my sandwiches

And I�d given myself a treat, smoked salmon

Please don�t think I�m seething with sinister intent

I mean, there's no need to swing from the communication cord

He had only to open his mouth

and swinging from the communication cord was the last thing one had in mind

But no, that's not where it begins

You were asked to paint a portrait

Yes. Yes, that's right. Aren't you clever?

I was written to by Sir Henry's daughter-in-law

who keeps house for him, Millamant

Millamant?

She was Mildred but the old man re-christened her

They once played together in The Way Of The World

Well, anyway, I didn�t want to do the portrait so I told them no

The next thing I knew, Thomas Ancred was on my doorstep

He's the younger son. He produces

And so you said yes

I said yes to dinner. It was at the Oleander

The food there is black market

Troy

We don�t, all of us, go on paid holidays to South Africa

And I still said no

But why?

A portrait of Sir Henry as Macbeth,

six feet by four, to be completed in just over a week

Mr Ancred, contrary to what you have apparently heard,

I am not a house painter

- Dear lady... - Sorry

You see, it's Papa's 75th

and he was so in hopes that the nation would honour him with a portrait

Alas, the nation has dragged its collective feet

and so Papa, being the trooper that he is, has decided to honour himself

- Money really is no object - Not interested

Oh, come now, what's a week?

And I assure you, you'll loathe our family

No... I beg your pardon? I�ll do what?

Taken en masse, they can be quite revolting

It�s why I prefer to live in London

Of course, working hammer and tongs, you won't see much of them

Mr Ancred, hammer and tongs isn't ever how I like to work

and I don't paint to order or with a time limit or six feet by four

As to money being no object, how lovely,

but this week I find I�m unexpectedly solvent

So you can be as charming as you undoubtedly...

Thank you

Which, I imagine, is how you came to be on the train

I�m Cedric Ancred

I find it so exciting that you're going to do a picture of Grand papa

in all his tats and bobs

- Sir Henry is your... - Yes, sordid, isn't it?

Mummy is Millamant who looks after him and Daddy, only promise you won't tell,

was Henry Irving Ancred...

- I paint too - Do you?

- How nice - Not like you. I design things

Of course it's all grim nowadays but we keep on toddling

Oh, God, you were reading and I stopped you

It�s not important

It is a sin against the Holy Ghost

- What utter nonsense - You tell me so...

Pardon me, Penelope

Do you er... Design at all for the theatre?

How sweet of you to take an interest. Yes, when one is given employment,

which, with a word from the grand old man, would be all the year round

Only in my case, the grand old man chooses never to speak

Talk about blood being thicker than water

Oh, my God. Don't look

What is it?

I can't bear it. Every time I see it, it gets uglier

- Does it? - There

God, the enduring horror of it

Castle Despair

I say, I spy with my little eye Ancreds by the dozen

Greetings, you two

This is my cousin, Fenella Cairnes

Hello

And the warrior bold is another cousin, Paul Kentish

- Hello - Miss Agatha Troy

You've really come. We can hardly believe it

Grandfather is ten years younger

Whereas I am ageing by the minute. Do say you've brought the car

Only the governess cart, Cedric. Have you brought much luggage?

Oh, so you have. Well, the luggage can go in the cart and we can...

I refuse to walk!

Slowly, you brute. You'll have us all over!

Are you mad?

You... You animal! Slowly, I say!

Of course the clan will gather for the great day

Mummy will be there but Daddy�s touring in the Middle East

Touring? Do you mean with the army?

- No, he's in "Hay Fever" - In the desert?

And there's my mother who's already here

Not to mention Aunt Desdemona who's never married

but dies for love at least once a year

- Three sisters - A good subject for a play

Not bad

What is it?

A horrible child has just pulled a face at me

- Oh, that will be my young sister - Oh, I�m terribly sorry

Don't be. She is a horror

- Name of Panty - Oh, yes? What a charming name!

Cos the little blister's knickers were always falling down!

In a way, I�m the black sheep of the family

Because I hate the theatre. I want nothing to do with it

No, what I�d really like is to go into the police

But of course with this gammy leg of mine, that'll be pie in the sky

I have a friend at Scotland Yard

I�m sure he�d be only too glad to talk to you

- Well, that was kind of you - He's a sweet boy

When you go down to Ancreton, you and he...

When I what?

I mean, if. If

Pauline Kentish, Paul's mother, that is,

had been in a great many of the kind of plays

where people come in and go out through French windows

Hello!

You've come to paint Father, haven't you? How do you do?

- How do you do? - We're all agog

Paul, darling, there you are

I hope you haven't walked from the station, not with your poor leg

Now, don�t lie. Cedric has told me all

Fenella, dear, why did you let him?

Mother, walking is good for me

When I left the hospital, I was told...

Such a brave old boy. So courageous, Miss Troy

A King Harry home from Agincourt

Forgive a mother's tears

We Ancred's cannot always hide what is... within

Drinks are being served in the great hall

There you are. Come and have a stirrup cup

God, I�m done in

That damn pony ought to be put down

Cedric, sit up straight. You're not a child

Miss Troy? I�m Millamant Ancred. How do you do?

- How do you do? - Milly is my mama

My father-in-law looks forward to meeting you

He hopes you had a pleasant journey

- And all that rot - Do sit down

Thank you

- Fruit cup, madam? - Oh, lovely

Milly, where are you putting Miss Troy?

In Bernhardt or Siddons?

Grand papa named the bedrooms after actresses

- Why not in Bracegirdle? - Out of the question

The ceiling leaks and there are rats

Until Barker finds the poison he mislaid, Bracegirdle is out of bounds

Miss Troy will do very nicely in Siddons

We could always move darling Sonia into Bracegirdle

- What larks! - Be quiet, Cedric

Fen, my poppet, Paul, haven't either of you told Miss Troy about Sonia?

- Is she one of the family? - No, but she�d like to be

Cedric, you are impossible

Sonia is the old party's protege

Oh, yes?

Or if I may resort to ye olde English, she's his bit of naughty

Cedric, you're disgusting

Thank you, Fenella, but I believe chastisement is a mother's privilege

We all loathe her

Am I in time for fruit cup?

Oh, say it's not all gone

Sonia simply must have a drinky

Darling!

Cedric! You've come down for Noddy's birthday!

This is only base camp. From here on, the ascent begins

- Alpenstocks at the ready - Something like that

I�m afraid Barker's put your painting gear upstairs in your room

I�ll have him move it to the theatre first thing

The theatre? Is there one?

Well, it's not exactly Drury Lane but you'll find

that Grand papa does nothing by halves

You'll have Macbeth scenery, the blasted heath and all that

and if Paul's sister, young Panty, can be made to pose,

you'll even have the bloody child

and there's proper lighting

- Oh, Lord, I need daylight - Oh. Will a window suffice?

We spare no expense

Everest is conquered

- Why, this is lovely! - I�m glad you like it

And you're so nice that now I wish for your sake you hadn�t come

My word, what on earth am I in for?

It�s my beastly family. I hate them

I used to like Grand papa so much

And now he's horrid

I mean... how would you like it if your grandfather

brought a loathsome blonde into the house?

Well, I don�t know. My grandmother wouldn�t have done handsprings, that's for sure

Oh, I am sorry. That was...

What's more, now they fight amongst themselves about money

- You should hear them - My dear child...

What if he should leave Ancreton to her?

instead of to... ghastly Cedric or horrible Panty or me?

God, old women are so foul

Even Mummy is sometimes. She'll be here on Thursday

Well, as the same Cedric would say, "What larks"

- But... - No, please

- I�m an outsider and I don�t think... - That's why I can...

I don�t think you should tell me

what you might want to kick yourself for later on

Or want to kick me

May I know at what time you have dinner?

8.30

You'll hear the gong

I�ll say no more... but there is badness in this house

- You'll see - Fenella

You did that very well

I suppose it must run in the family

Hello, puss

Alice. Down the rabbit hole

I tell you, it's a miracle I don't go off my chump

Do you think it's easy living in this mausoleum with a couple of old crones

and a kid that's out The Crazy Gang?

You must endeavour to look on the bright side

It�s a laugh a minute

If you really cared about me, you'd put me in a position

where I wasn't looked down on

Noddy, you owe it to me

A girl has her self-respect

There's somebody out there. It�s that ghastly child!

The drawing room, madam

Thank you

All alone, Miss Troy? How neglectful we are

- Not at all - Do sit

Barker will serve sherry once there's a full house

Is Siddons to your liking?

Siddons? Oh, you mean the room. Yes, it's absolute...

- You were saying? - Excuse me

The Antient Arte Of The Embalming Of Corpses

- Oh, dear - It looks like one of our treasures. May I?

Yes, it is. No wonder

I�m sorry?

I came in here yesterday just in time to see Sir Henry's lady friend

sitting down there rather suddenly with a very pink face

I dare say she took it from the library

Is it very valuable?

If you'll forgive me saying so,

I can think of no other reason

why it should commend itself to Miss Sonia Orrincourt

One is hardly tempted to mention her and books in the same breath

Especially one on the art of embalming corpses

- Papa's just coming down - Damn

- That means Cedric will be late - Afraid so

He was still in the bath when I tried to get in

It�s hardly the way to stay in Father's good graces, is it, Milly?

Oh, good! He's not here

I came down by the back stairs. It�s known as heading them off at the pass

- Good evening, Mr Kentish - Good evening to you, Miss Cairnes

What's this, my darling? More mischief?

Isn�t Mummy to be told?

Oh, dear

So, this is our distinguished painter

I am delighted

Delighted

I hope you continue to be

I believe I shall. I believe I shall

Millamant, my impression was that Cedric had come down to us from town

He had an important letter to write

- Perhaps he didn�t hear the gong - In what room is he?

- Garrick, I think - Then he most certainly heard the gong

Barker, you may oblige me with a whisky and soda

- Oh, Papa. Er... - Dr Maltravers distinctly said...

- One small glass... - Of sherry or wine but not...

Hold! Enough!

Go, Barker, stay me with flagons

You see, dear Miss Troy,

how an old man departs from his well-ordered ways in your honour

Papa, it's too bad of you. It would serve you right if...

Oh, my God

I adore it when people are pleased to see me

Noddy, darling, when the applause quite dies down, I�d like a gin and tonic

She's wearing...

Dearest Grand papa, I creep, I grovel

Somebody send Barker out at once for sackcloth

Great one, tell Cedric he's forgiven

Darling Sonia, intercede for me, implore Grand papa...

Cedric, say nothing

- My God! - Cedric!

She's wearing Great, Great, Grandmamma Ancred's Russian brooch

Nice, isn't it? I�m ever so twilled

- But... - Be quiet, sir!

It is time we went in. Barker, you may serve my whisky and soda in the dining room

Dear lady, allow me

Noddy? I haven't had my aperi... my aperi... my drink

For that you must blame him who came down late

Barker, will you take pity on Miss Orrincourt?

A trifling foolish banquet as old Capulet had it

Nonetheless, we shall begin

Oh, Papa, how dreadful

- Who on earth could have... - The revolting infant, that's who

- Can there be doubt of it? - She deserves a spanking

Not to mention disinheriting

It shouldn�t be allowed. It weally shouldn�t

I am grievously displeased

So, it has come to this

- How sharper than a... - I think they call it a raspberry cushion

How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child

I�m sure Panty meant it as a joke

- Let the ingrate be brought before me - Papa, she's already in bed

If not out on her broomstick

We don�t really know that it was Panty

Oh, we shall know

Tomorrow we shall know

Er... let us now dine

Yes, erm... well...

Before we all get on with it, I just happen to have something to say

that may cheer us all up

A herculean task, I think

What say you, Miss Troy? Shall we hear him?

Well, yes

Right, then...

Fenella and I are going to be married

- Oh, Paul - Criminy

Dear heaven

So I think that congratulations may be in order

Never, never, never, never, never

Lear, Act Five, Scene Three

Fenella, Paul, how could you?

That's torn it

I suppose he'll send for old Rattisbon and change his will again

- Oh, let him. Who cares? - Paul, don't dare say such a thing

Oh, God. Underage and first cousins

- This is a mother's thanks - Cedric, stop it

You too, Pauline. Fenella, Paul, do you want to turn him against his own family?

He's in one of his tantrums, that's all,

because we didn�t go to him and humbly ask his blessing

He's not upset. It�s all an act

You ought not to paint him as Macbeth, Miss Troy

What he really is bloody old King Lear

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth!"

And as far as turning against his family is concerned, he's done that already!

Ever since he brought that tart into the house!

That peroxide gold-digger, 50 years younger than a...

Fenella, dear...

Noddy?

Cor blimey! What's happened?

Noddy? Noddy!

Noddy? Noddy, darling, what's happened?

- Who on earth? - 20 guesses, dear

- What is it? Greasepaint? - In this house? Well, of course it is

- It�s a carmine stick - I don�t think so

May I?

No, it's oil paint. Cadmium red

The shade is immaterial!

My solicitor will be here by lunch time

I think everyone was glad to make it an early night. I know I was

Red paint. Dark crimson

I wonder why I was so quick to think it was blood

I�ve tired you, I�m sorry

One grows a trifle stiff

Well, then we've done enough for today. At least you have

I have been remembering my lines

Since 1904, I have assayed the role six times

and always do tremendous business

It hasn't been an unlucky play for me

Oh, yes, I�ve heard about the Macbeth superstition

One mustn't quote from it

Or speak its name. It is known as the Scottish play

Am I to be allowed a glimpse?

Well, it's only a kind of synopsis, I�m afraid

Oh! A clever lady

Yes, I have chosen well

Well, may you see things well done there

Adieu. Lest our old robes sit easier than our new!

God�s benison go with you

A spark so for my tinder, then farewell

If we do meet again, why, we shall smile

If not, why then, this parting was well made

What's up? Don't you like it?

You have to take off the surplus charcoal otherwise it messes the paints

- How long have you been there? - Ages

I stayed quiet cos I�m not allowed

I�m Patricia Claudia Ellen Ancred Kentish

Well, I�ve gathered that

You couldn�t have gathered that cos they all call me Panty

- Are these your paints? - Yes, so hands off

I�m going to paint with them

- Not a hope - If you won't let me, I�ll kill you

Don't be an ass and leave that a...

Why, you little...

You can't smack me. I�m being brought up on a system

Are you indeed? Well, here's a shock for your system

- Ow! Beast! That hurt - Well, it was meant to

- Serves you right if you catch it - Catch what?

Didn�t they tell you? I�ve been sent home from school. I�ve got ringworm

- Do you want to see? - No!

Now look here, if you promise not to touch my paints,

I�ll give you a board and some brushes

and you can go away and do a proper picture later

- When? - After lunch

Now!

- Well, I want buckets of red. I like red - I thought you already had some of that

I mean the stuff you daubed on the banister outside my bedroom

Me? I don�t know where your room is

Or what was written on your grandfather�s looking glass

You're not going to tell me it wasn't you that put

that awful cushion on his chair? The one that made that revolting noise

Really?

Why is it I always miss things? It isn't fair

I think it was then I realised that something was very wrong

Panty was quite capable of telling lies

but somehow I knew that she was speaking the truth

She hadn�t played those idiotic practical jokes

But if she hadn't, who had? And... why?

On the Thursday, as expected, Fenella's mother Jenetta Cairnes arrived

- Here comes witch number three - Sorry?

Oh, you mean as in the three weird sisters?

Not really, no. There's four of them

The one they call Desi hasn't arrived yet. Desdemona

Anyway, Millamant isn't a sister. She's an in-law

So there's witch one, witch two, witch three, wi...

Aren't you supposed to be painting Noddy?

Watercolouring clears my head and Sir Henry isn't up to posing for very long

He's poorly, you know. Can't eat anything stronger than baby food

or he's as sick as a...

- Good morning - Good morning

.. as a dog, as a lady dog!

Do you see that for bloody manners?

She's as bad as the rest of them. A load of toffee-nosed Lady Mucks

They all hate me

Anyone would think I wanted to be stuck in this godforsaken rat hole

Stone me, nothing to do and all day to do it in

- Are you stuck here? - What else is there?

I�m delicate

Asthma, ever since I was a kid

I thought I might go touring with ENSA

You know, "Every Night Something Awful!"

Except as soon as I opened my mouth to sing,

all the boys in the orchestra complained they couldn�t hear themselves play

So, when Noddy took a... you know, interest and asked me down here,

I had to pinch myself

I mean, you know, it was Christmas, Whitsun and August Bank Holiday rolled into one

Mind, whatever I get, I�ll have earned it

He's the only one of them I feel sorry for

I suppose he's a bit, well... you know...

Well, it's all part of life's rich pageant, innit?

Do you know he can't sleep nights?

He's afraid Noddy's gonna leave all this lot to the kid

Panty? I thought she was out of favour

Well, she shouldn�t go writing on mirrors, should she?

Or daubing paint on banisters

Did Panty tell you she�d done that?

Well, did she?

Oh, I�ve gotta go inside. All this fresh air

And on Friday, the unmarried sister, Desdemona, arrived with Thomas Ancred

Des!

And on the Saturday, the solicitor, Mr Rattisbon, drove down from town

The birthday party was now complete

So, very nearly, was Sir Henry's portrait

The old party begs to be excused. He's closeted with Mr Rattisbon

Anything I can do?

Well... Yes, would you stand in for him?

Me?

I�m just touching up the highlights on this cloak

It�s there. Would you mind?

Mind? I�m in seventh heaven

Er... like this? Shall I be dashing?

Oh, Dear

Look...

Would you just try standing on this box?

There

Now just let the cloak fall naturally

Raise your right arm as though there were a dirk in your hand

There. Let me just arrange you

I�ve never posed before

Well, not for a portrait

- Tuppence to talk to me - That's it

Now then

Did you know, the house is simply seething with intrigue?

The consensus of opinion

is that the birthday boy will choose the opportunity to announce his new will

- You're joking - He'll be the star turn. Top of the bill

Are you saying that Sir Henry... Oh, please do stay still

...that Sir Henry would humiliate his family?

Oh, yes. He does it every time

- He adores it - Does he change his will often?

On average about every two years

It�s sort of a command performance

I say, do give Cedy the teensiest look

My very own private view. Oh, do

Well, keep still. I haven't finished yet

Oh, my God... it�s him

It�s theatre, just like he is

It�s Shakespeare and it's Macbeth and it's him all in one

I�m terrified

First, Papa will propose the King's health then one of us will propose Papa's

Last year Panty was brought in to do it but what with ringworm and practical jokes,

she's been scratched so...

I say, this can't possibly be crayfish. Milly!

Don't blame me. He insisted

They call this rock lobster!

It�s no more a lobster than I am

It�s an obscure antipodean shellfish

Barker, champagne. What ails you, man?

Milly, you should have put your foot down

My foot is bunioned from being put down

If one of you lot wants to fetch and carry for that impossible old man,

then you're welcome

It would make me the happiest woman in England

Nonsense, Milly, you thrive on it

I gave up the theatre for him. It�s still in my blood

I always think that when Gladys Cooper went to Hollywood,

she left a gap that you could fill nicely, Milly

Thank you, Desi

Good looks apart, of course

Champagne and hot crayfish. We shall hear more of this

- Is it very bad for him? - Catastrophic

After Sir Henry had proposed the royal toast,

Thomas Ancred rose,

spoke very prettily and, as per tradition, toasted Sir Henry

.. in the time that is to come

I shall now ask the company to drink to Papa's continued health

- To Papa - To Papa

Grand papa

To darling Noddy

Here's to juice in his tank

Beggar that I am, I am even poor in thanks but I thank you

There is no audience as near and as dear to an old player of parts

than his own kith and kin

Bless you

Soon, now, we shall, all of us, repair to the theatre,

there to see unveiled the fruit of our lovely artist's mighty strivings

Hear! Hear!

A likeness of myself which, I may say, it is my intention to present to the nation

Bravo

However, before we feast our eyes, there is that which I would impart...

I shall be brief. Forgive me

My heart is full. It is my inestimable pleasure to announce

that Miss Sonia Orrincourt has this day done me the immeasurable honour...

- Oh, no .. of consenting to be my wife

- Oh, Noddy - Oh, my God

Me thought I didst hear the groundlings applaud

Congratulations, Papa

I thank you all. I am moved

And now I come to the reason

for the good Mr Rattisbon to grace our festive board

Of late I have been treated with disrespect, nay with contumely

My goodness has been repaid with the basest insult

All of you here do know me

All of you know that those who love me not, I do not love

It was my intention to request Mr Rattisbon to draw up anew,

my last will and testament

and yet my having won the heart of Miss Orrincourt

has caused a resurgence within this bosom,

of the milk of divine forgiveness

I have been merciful

I will now ask Mr Rattisbon to read the terms of my new will

With your kind permission...

I, Henry Oswald Ancred, Baronet, being of sound mind,

do declare this to be my last will and testament, hereby revoking all previous...

If the new will had been a West End play, it would have run forever

It received what they call rave reviews

It provided for handsome cash legacies to Millamant and Sir Henry's three daughters

Really no-one had cause for complaint

the residue of my estate to be divided equally

between my son Thomas Ancred,

my grandson Cedric Ancred

and my fiancee Miss Sonia Orrincourt

When the will had been read,

we all trooped over to the little theatre for the unveiling

To you, dear lady, the place of honour

If you will all be seated?

- Cedric, my boy - I�m ready, Grand papa

The moment is nigh

An actor may move his audience to laughter or to tears, to terror or to anger,

what he must not do is tantalise

Hear! Hear!

So, let it be now. The readiness is all

House lights, Cedric

And, curtain!

The paint must still be wet

Leave it to me. There's no harm done

No, don't use that. You'll destroy it. Here

I demand to know the author of this outrage

It wasn't Panty. She's been in bed since seven

She's been painting green cows for days, I�ve seen her

Cow yourself!

The medicine she takes makes her sleep like the dead

The child couldn�t have done it

Noddy, did you hear that? That bitch has just called me a cow!

I am going to bed

You're going to let me be insulted by that...

I am upset!

I am indeed unwell. Leave me!

- I am going alone - He needs looking after. Excuse me

It was sometime during the night that it happened

Of course, I didn't stay

First, my work was done, and I'd have gone anyway

Also, I was an outsider, in what by definition, at any rate,

was a house of mourning

Yes, I think that's everything. Thank you, Barker. You've been most helpful

It�s been a great pleasure, Miss Troy. I hope to see you again in the near future

- Thank you, Barker. Goodbye - Goodbye

What are you thinking about?

Macbeth and the art of the embalmer

Who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him?

Practical jokes, you say?

Defecating cows

- Just the one, sir - A book

A three centuries old book on embalming

and a missing bottle of rat bait

All very thin, wouldn�t you say?

Skeletal

Hardly enough to justify going down to Ancreton and muddying the waters

- No, sir. It�s just that... - Well?

There's a lot about Miss Troy I don't yet know, sir, but...

I�m inclined to trust her instincts

- Good witness? - Sir?

I mean, is she imaginative?

Well, naturally, she's an artist and a good one but...

if you mean impressionable, no

Capital! Then with no offence in the wide world, my dear Alleyn,

perhaps either you or Miss Troy could account for this

- Seen this morning's Times, have you? - Not yet, sir, no

Well, according to you, or rather according to Miss Troy,

Sir Henry Ancred made a will dividing his estate

more or less equally among the family

With a share going to this...

this lady friend of his. Miss Sonia Orrincourt

He made that announcement, yes

Then he's been having them on

According to the Times, Sonia Orrincourt gets the lot

What?

Give or take a thousand or so

It seems he's done his family in the eye

What price equal shares all round now?

But it can't be. At the birthday dinner...

The lady couldn�t have erm... misheard?

Absolutely not, sir

Sir...

Oh, look here, old chap,

I don't see any reason to go haring off down to Ancreton. He was 75

As far as one can tell, he ate and drank what he shouldn't have done

He was warned what would happen and it did. He conked out

Dead and... buried is he?

And we've no grounds for an autopsy. So let's leave him lie

Not make the family any more distressed than they already are

From what I�ve heard, sir, they won't be wearing black for too long

Actually, I was thinking of the will

Come in

Forgive the intrusion, sir, but knowing the Chief inspector�s business,

I thought he�d like to know that Mr Thomas Ancred had been in touch

There have been letters, sir. Anonymous, addressed to all members of the family

Hinting at foul play, sir

When I think of all the misery you've put me through,

I feel so infernally indignant, I...

When in doubt, Mr Fox, always give them a dollop of Charley's Aunt

It never fails. Ah, here we are

- Eight of them. All the same - Thank you

Sir Henry Ancred's death was brought about

by the person who has received the most benefit from it

inspector, you're the oracle. No envelopes, Mr Ancred?

We threw them away. Sorry

But the postmark was Middlehampton. That's our nearest metropolis

And the recipients?

They came at breakfast time yesterday. Let's see...

Milly got one and Pauline, Jenetta and Desi - Desdemona that is

Cedric, Sir Cedric as he is now

I mustn't leave him out, nor myself, of course

and the young couple Fenella and Paul

But not Miss Orrincourt?

Sonia

No, not Sonia. That's why for once in their lives the family are in agreement

You mean that Miss Orrincourt is the person

referred to in the letters?

Not half. What fun

Thank you. Inspector, astonish us

Well, the old crystal ball's a bit cloudy this morning, sir

Middling good paper out of a notepad

From any stationers or maybe the odd corner shop

Thank you

Mr Ancred, do you subscribe to your family's poor opinion of Miss Orrincourt?

Do you mean do I think that she murdered Papa?

There, it's been said out loud, that is

- I didn�t at first but now... - Now?

Well, I suppose it's time for the Cours de theatre

After the letters came, the atmosphere got a bit fraught

Sonia said that she would rather die driving in the rain

than put up with our loathsomeness a moment longer

Of course, when there is a dramatic occasion,

you may depend on the Ancreds to rise to it

No-one liked to say straight out that Sonia

had put poison in Papa's hot drink at bedtime,

but it did seem wasteful given that she was out of the house,

for us not to search her room

I didn't do much searching myself. I lack curiosity

Besides, I wasn't sure what it was we were looking for

Cedric

As it happened, it was Desi who won the coconut. She found it

Look!

And what was she found, Mr Ancred?

Hang on. Yes, I put it out of harm's way

It�s the rat poison nobody could find

See what the lab boys make of this, will you?

By the look of it, it hasn't been opened since

Madeleine Smith gave arsenic to her boyfriend

The Scottish verdict was not proven, sir

What an exact fellow you are

- Careful - What?

- Mr Alleyn? - I�ll be with Rattisbon

- Dash, I�ve missed him - Can I be of help, sir?

Well, it occurred to me to ask, in the case of Papa,

is there likely to be a... well, you know...

Will they want to go rummaging around in the family vault?

- Oh, early days yet, sir. All in good time - No, what I mean is...

you�d want to look inside him for signs of poisoning

Don't you think, sir, we're rushing our fences?

No, you don�t see what I�m driving at. How could you?

How shall I put it? Would it at all matter to you,

would it make life that much harder to know that we've had him embalmed?

There is no puzzle, Chief inspector

Based on rough drafts prepared by Sir Henry,

I drew up two separate wills

- Two? Extraordinary - Mm, perhaps

Or perhaps not in the case of a man who is in two minds

Sir Henry was uncertain as to the merits of his immediate family

- Are you a gambling man, Chief inspector? - Afraid so

Sir Henry hedged his bets

One of the wills was signed and witnessed before the dinner

I quoted its provisions in front of the family

Later that night, he destroyed it

- Because of the portrait? - Oh, you know about that

The flying cow, yes. Childish, you would agree

And yet when he sent for me later that night,

I found him greatly perturbed

He burned the will, the first will, there and then

Then, at his insistence, I sent the butler to fetch a Mr and Mrs Candy

Candy is one of the under gardeners and they were witnesses to the second will

Which left all to Miss Orrincourt?

The young lady�s name is Hawkes, Chief inspector, Miss Gladys Hawkes

- Really? - Yes, these gilded creatures

Mind, I think we can agree that Orrincourt does have more resonance to it?

Er... no, not quite all

There were other minor bequests. Very minor

- You mean, hardly worth... - Just so

Hardly worth mentioning

That is what you were going to say, Chief inspector?

- Look here, I�m sorry - Done something, have you?

I mean that you should be part of all this, even as a bystander

Well, thanks for saying it

Did I mention that I don't think people ought to hang other people?

Are you sure?

I have a feeling I would have remembered

Well, with that out of the way,

I�m happy to say that I�m not the policeman, you are

You wash your hands of it

How like a woman

It was you in the first place who put the cat among the pigeons

- What's so funny? - The thought of you at Ancreton

It is you, my dear Chief inspector, who's going to be the pigeon among the cats

Do you see what I see?

No, I can't say that I do

- I think I do - Shall we erm...

Oh, yes, why don't we?

Heads

Heads it is. In you go. I love to see an artist at work

Good afternoon, sir. May I be of service, sir?

I do hope so

I was wondering whether you have anything

that would cheer up a little girl who's been a bit poorly

Well now...

A proper little limb, she is

Says she wants to play a joke on a Dr Maltravers

A joke? Oh, he won't like that

- Won't he? - No. He's not one for jokes

Well, I just now noticed those raspberry cushions in your window

Oh, he really won't like that

They're a bit rude, you know

But isn't it a small world?

Would you believe, I sold one of these not two weeks ago

and that was for a little girl who wasn't well

Get away! This one's for a child up at the big house

Do you mean Ancreton?

So was the other

Now, if it's for her, Panty, they call her,

and she is a limb, you're right there...

well, I... I�m afraid she already has one

Oh, dear dear. What a vexation

Still, never mind, what I always say

is a kiddie can't have too many raspberry cushions

I�ll take it anyway

Hold on half a tick. Young Panty's confined to barracks

You're not telling me the young tinker sneaked out,

came here and bought it for herself?

- Lord love you, no, sir - No?

No. Her auntie bought it

- Her auntie? - That's right. Her new auntie

You must be Panty cos that's what's written there

Who was Carabas?

Was he your kitten?

He wasn't a kitten, he was a cat

He was Noddy's cat, only he loved me better than Noddy

He loved me better than anyone

I was his friend and I didn�t give him the ringworms. I hate Aunt Milly

I hate all of them cos they say I killed Carabas with ringworm

- I�ll bet you never did - I might give you the ringworm

You do that and I�ll give you my gum boil

Well, I want to play a game now

Perhaps you�d like to stay here and play with inspector Fox?

Can he play Happy Families?

Play it? He invented it

- Carry on, inspector - Oh, yes. Why don't we? Let's

Thank you

Thank you, no

Oh, wait, are they making those again? Yes, I think I shall

My Uncle Thomas brings bickies at weekends

He says you have to know where to look

Sir Cedric, that holds good for more than just biscuits

Oh, dear. Have I cast a gloom?

Please don't think I�m here to look into anything other

than those anonymous letters

- Is that a crime? - It might be a breach of the peace

Peace in this house?

Would anyone mind a question or two?

Not at all

On the evening of his birthday party,

Sir Henry appears to have done himself rather too well at dinner

- Aren't we the know-it-all? - He over indulged

He ate tinned crayfish and drank champagne,

both of which are expressly forbidden

And later on?

After dinner, you mean? He took medicine for his indigestion

And there was always a hot drink

either at bedtime or if he woke during the night

- A hot drink. Prepared by whom? - By Milly

- You did it, didn�t you, Milly? - No, Jenny, I did not

Since my husband�s death, I kept house for my father-in-law

A task, I may say, which was as arduous as my thanks for it were small

She's off

I liked Papa. He could make one's life miserable

but there were certain small labours which I did not begrudge

and yes I prepared his hot drink

But of late, with Papa's consent,

a certain person usurped that duty, as if by Divine right

- Do you mean Miss Orrincourt? - Milly, you never said

I hope I have my pride

But it was Miss Orrincourt who prepared the hot drink that evening?

Oh, for that you must ask Barker

Yes, madam, Miss Orrincourt heated the drink and I took it to Sir Henry's room

in a Thermos and set it by his bed

He refused to take it then and there. He was, if Sir Cedric will forgive me...

.. in rather a whack, sir

And the medicine for his indigestion?

Oh, he didn�t need any persuading to take that, sir

The pain raged at him something awful

The milk of magnesia was kept by the bed, sir,

like... like the Thermos...

Oh, God. Barker, must you blub?

I got him into his pyjamas and gown, sir

Like I was saying, he wouldn�t touch his drink

He was carrying on, shouting at me...

.. saying as how I was to fetch Mr Rattisbon er... he's the solicitor, sir

Yes

Barker, could you just tell me once again? What was on this table?

There was the indigestion medicine, sir, there was the grog tray

There was the Thermos with his hot drink, a cup and saucer...

Oh, and a spoon for the medicine, sir

Thank you. And, of course, these have all since been washed?

Washed and used again, sir. It was all spilt

The medicine, the Thermos, the lot

It was a shocking mess, sir

He put some of his drink into the saucer for the cat, sir

- The cat Carabas? - Oh, yes, sir

But the cup and the flask and the medicine bottle was all overturned

We had to go at it with the carbolic

Thank you

Barker, what's this?

It was in the old gentleman's hand when we found him, sir

When I found him

It�s the bell push, sir

We had to prise open his fingers

In his distress, sir, he must have pulled it away from the wire

Did you unscrew it in any way?

- It�s as I found it, sir - Thank you

Do you know, Barker, I think I need not trouble you any further

I�m obliged

Very good, sir

Oh, Damn

Who are you and what the bloody hell are you doing here?

At the moment, sir, I�m playing Happy Families

Would you oblige me with...

Mrs Snip the tailor's wife?

No, you forgot to say please again so it's my turn

And I don't seem to be having much luck

Sir, I am asking, politely, I trust,

what your business is with my patient

- Are you a journalist? - Me?

Oh, bless your heart no, sir. I�m from Scotland Yard

- From... - And I imagine that you're Dr Maltravers

What a happy meeting. Chief inspector Alleyn will be pleased

Very well. So the second will was signed in this room

Now, after Mr Rattisbon had left, what then?

What do you mean what then?

I gave Noddy his hot drink and I kissed him nighty-night

And left?

And left

Did he drink his hot milk while you were with him?

- Drank it and liked it - And what about his medicine?

And the medicine. People seem to think I�ve got no feelings. Well, I have

He was sweet and now he's gone and the money won't ever make up for that

Now I�ve got no-one

He died cos he was sick

and the police have no call to go buzzing round asking questions

Well, you've been very frank with me, Miss Orrincourt

I�ve been frank because I�ve got nothing to hide

And I intend to be equally frank with you

One of the reasons I�m here is because of the practical jokes

you played upon Sir Henry

I need hardly ask why

You wanted the blame to fall upon the child Panty, isn't that so?

I knew it. He told you

Well, it serves me right

I thought I had one friend in this crazy gang

Just goes to show you what a fool I was

I suppose you must mean Sir Cedric Ancred

Sir Cedric, the baronet

Or should I say the baroness?

That insect, that worm! God, he's worse than the bloody women!

Well, I got the laugh on him and the money

What's he got? Here, let me tell you about him

Imagine him sitting up there all hours,

making a new will, disinheriting his own flesh and blood

Well, I understand that both those wills were drawn up in advance of that evening

Do you know, I think we have a good case for proving he was got at

- By Miss Orrincourt, do you mean? - Yes

By that...

What is it, Desi?

Sometimes, Chief inspector,

death comes not as an enemy but as a friend

By day they talk and think of money, by night they dream of it

But for what you might call murder...

.. there is a stronger motive than greed

There's love

That's why I did what needed to be done

Do you think I could bear to see my darling crippled and in constant pain?

What kind of woman do you take me for?

Was I to look on and...

and see him in the prison of his maimed body?

Oh, God, but I loathe aeroplanes

Do you mean it was an accident?

The others, his... devoted family...

.. they wanted him dead that they might inherit

But I... I wanted him at peace

That's why I did it

But I�m glad, do you hear me? Glad, glad, glad!

You will, of course, wish me to accompany you, Chief inspector

There are goodbyes to be said. May I crave five minutes?

I shall return... you have my word

Did you ever hear of The Dark Of The Sun, Chief inspector?

Very Somerset Maughamish

It was supposed to open earlier this year at the Duchess but the backers got cold feet

Poor Desdemona, she's been dying to make that Act Three speech ever since

- Soda? - No

Sir Henry suffered from ulcers and degeneration of the heart

He had eaten a disastrous meal, had drunk champagne

and flown into one of his rages

I diagnosed a gastric attack culminating in cardiac failure

- I hold to that - A tin of rat poison has been found

- Piffle! - In Miss Orrincourt's room

Double piffle!

- I�m inclined to agree - All that family has a down on her...

with cause, I admit but...

You agree?

The tin had not been opened in weeks, months perhaps

- Game, set and match - Not necessarily

There could be poison elsewhere at Ancreton

There speaks the born pessimist or do I mean optimist?

With respect, sir, triple piffle

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have one patient who is still above ground in this damn booby hatch

To be sure. How goes the ringworm?

On the mend, sir

It�s slow and it's stubborn but thallium does the trick, give it time

Her hair is falling out nicely

- Her hair is? - It is a depilatory, you know

Is it? Poor child. No wonder she's so foul tempered

Doctor?

Thallium is also a sedative, is it not?

The flower room may seem a strange place to keep medicine

I wanted it out of the reach of little fingers

Panty... Patricia is simply into everything!

There are two bottles. The one that's nearly empty and the one that hasn't been opened

I�ve got them

Er... hold it steady. Would you mind, sir?

- Thank you - Well done

Both labelled "poison"

Naturally, since that is what it is

The dosage is a minute amount taken in water

I use an eye dropper

And as you can see, the chemist's seal on the one is as yet unbroken

It is undoubtedly sealed

Mrs Kentish, oblige me

Would it be possible for someone to have removed some of Panty's medicine

without your knowledge?

Oh, no. I would have noticed

Even if they had diluted what was left with water?

What a peculiar idea

- Chief inspector, what are you driving at? - I? Nothing at all, I assure you

I am the least suspicious person in the world

Well, in the CID at any rate. Ask inspector Fox

Fox?

It�s peat mould from the flower pots

So it is, ma'am

Mrs Kentish, may I... hang onto this one?

I�ll happily return the empty

- Chief inspector, this is... - Quadruple piffle? I�m sure it is

Telephone from the inn. You better make sure you're not overheard

I think we'll conduct the second exhumation ourselves

Do a second?

Carabas the cat

Off you go. I�ll walk. It�ll do me good

By the way,

was it peat mould you put in your pocket in the flower room?

No, sir. Bits of sealing wax

Fox by name...

Well...

Well, that is the end

Curtain down and house lights up

Goodbye, Miss Sonia Orrincourt, RIP

RIP? Would that be a threat, sir?

What?

I mean that I wash my hands of little miss third row of the chorus

Talk about the sneak of St Hilda's

As a matter of fact, Sir Cedric,

Miss Orrincourt seemed to think that you were the one who had sneaked on her

I�m sure

You and she conspired

You wanted the child, Panty, to be cut out of your grandfather�s will

and so you perpetrated those jokes. The what-d'you-call-it...

The raspberry cushion, the writing on the mirror, the vandalized painting

Oh, send us to the pokey, oh, do

But you outsmarted yourselves, Sir Cedric

Panty's medicine was a soporific

The poor child was fast asleep and couldn't have interfered with the portrait

So it had to be one of the grown-ups

Sir Henry realised this

In a temper he tore up the first will and signed the second

And it will be contested

I can assure you of that, Chief inspector

We shall plead that the woman exerted improper influence

But, Cedric... Those appalling jokes. You and that woman consorting

He was going to leave it all to the little brat

Mummy, don�t scold. What else could I do?

God, Cedric... you're a fool

It was murder, of course, the bell push was proof of that

A screw had been undone

so that it simply came away from the flex when Sir Henry had tried to summon help

And all the evidence was rather clumsily rigged to point to Sonia Orrincourt

She's hardly a mental giant but she does have a gift for self-preservation

She was Noddy's favourite, see?

Only Sir Cedric wanted the lot, he did

So...

.. we came to an understanding

- You bought the raspberry cushion - Yeah

You should have seen their faces

She was hardly likely to risk the gallows

by murdering an old man, who would, in any case, soon die

There was the arsenic in her bedroom, there were the anonymous letters,

the murderer sent those, of course. Everyone received a letter except Sonia Orrincourt

And there was that ancient book that so conveniently kept popping up

According to which, the art of embalming

involves the use of arsenic

So, however the old man may actually have died,

traces of that poison would have been found in the remains

One more strand in the rope that would hang Sonia Orrincourt

Alas for our murderer, the book is three centuries old

and the world and the art of embalming has moved on

Messrs Mortimer and Loame, funeral directors

inform me that nowadays arsenic is never used, at least by them

Do I really have to?

I�m afraid so. It won't take a moment

Mr Thomas Ancred, do you identify this as the body of your late father?

He looks quite peaceful, don't you think?

Good lord

- All done, sir? - All done

Oh, yes, sir. It�s Carabas

- So what was the verdict? - Well, we'll know by tomorrow morning

He was lying there bald as a coot

- Snap - Snap?

Yes, so was the cat

- Oh, good morning, sir - Good morning, Breir

- Is that it, then? - Yes

Surely the Yard never sleeps

It�s as we suspected, there never was any arsenic. That was just a crude ploy to...

- implicate Sonia Orrincourt? - Exactly

Our murderer�s par for the course. A mixture of cack-handed ness and dead cunning

In dilute form, thallium acetate is a medicine, Panty's medicine

But taken neat, it's deadly poison

so break open the seal on the unused bottle

and pour a lethal dose into the old man's milk of magnesia

And then top the medicine bottle up with water and reseal it

Neat thallium. No wonder Sir Henry's hair fell out

And the cat Carabas

Probably lapped it up when the bottle was overturned

Imagine a hairless cat walking about to give the game away!

But what I want to know is why anyone would want to kill the old man

It could hardly have been from greed

He�d announced the terms of a will that provided for everyone around that table

- No exceptions, fair dues for all - Except for Rattisbon

Now wait a minute...

Er... yes, yes, miss. Er... well, I�ll just go and see

- Chief inspector Alleyn. Who is it, please? - There's something I left out

That evening you came to dinner, I tried to tell you the whole story

but I�m one of these people that hates to cross every T and dot every I

I suppose that's why I paint, not take photographs

It�s probably not important but if it is, you'll kill me

and for the sake of completeness...

Troy. Troy. Slow down. Now, what is it?

It was something Sir Henry said

The shade is immaterial! My solicitor will be here by lunch time

First the child goes tampering with my papers, and now this!

Tampering with my papers. Is that important?

Yes, it is important. Bless you

Bye

- Sonia Orrincourt - What's that?

She's going to do it again

Miss? Miss? I�d like Ancreton 5, please, it's urgent

- I�m sorry, it's engaged - Is it?

Damn!

I don't care what kind of car it is as long as it doesn't have a bloody horse pulling it

- Ancreton Hall, is it? - Yes, Ancreton Hall. Miss Orrincourt

And which station would you like?

Any station. I don't care, just get me there!

Oh, Barker...

There's a rumor going round that we won the war

If that's true, how can one possibly account for a sausage that looks like this?

- Perhaps it's Hitler's secret weapon - Cedric, you're a caution

Sir Caution, if you don't mind, dear

Beg your pardon, madam, but Miss Orrincourt asks if she might have a word

Miss Orrincourt?

Yes, madam. She's taking breakfast on the west terrace

Barker, are you saying that she expects me to go to her?

If I may say so, madam, Miss Orrincourt is about to leave

She's asked me to have her bags taken down

She's leaving?

Do you mean the barnacle is letting go?

Well, what I say is good riddance

Well, we have all been rather beastly to her, haven't we?

Paul, darling, the woman's a horror

If at last we are to see the back of her, then I am utterly at her beck and call

- The west terrace, you say? - Yes, madam

- Give her what for, Milly - I shall

What a lovely day this is going to be

I knew you�d be having breakfast so I asked the girl to bring an extra cup

Do you wanna sit down?

Thank you. How can one resist being invited to take a seat in one's own home?

I asked to see you before I left because you're the worst of them

- I mean, you hate me the most - Hate you?

- My dear girl, I don't hate anyone - Yes, you do

And I wanted to say that if you lot

had been halfway decent to me, I�d have gone shares

Cross my heart. I like money, who doesn't?

It�s an hard life for a girl on her own

but what I always say is, enough is enough

I�m not greedy

Only I won't be treated like I was dirt under people's feet

I�ve got my feelings

I know you have. That's why my father-in-law is dead

Yes, we know only too well about the sort of feelings you have

Miss Orrincourt, where is she?

I think that car was the police. If so, you've left it too late to run

- You've been found out - No I haven't, cos I�ve done nothing

I�m as innocent as the flowers that bloom in the spring-tra-la

Do you know, you ought to be grateful to me. I could have married your Cedric

It�s a fact. He'd have done anything for the money. He'd have even got married

Can you imagine what sort of a husband he�d make? But no

No, I wouldn�t do that to you

Maybe I am a bad lot but I�m not so bad as I�d marry him

You needn't contest the will because if you do,

I�ll fight and when I do I usually...

- You're just in time, Chief inspector - Glad to hear it, Mrs Ancred

- Please don't drink from that cup - Why on earth shouldn�t I?

Oh, no, Mrs Ancred, I was talking to Miss Orrincourt

I�ll just take that, miss

Barker told me Miss Orrincourt was leaving

So, what was your little scenario? Trapped murderess commits suicide?

Something like that

You'll be all right now, miss

Good old Troy. She held the key... without knowing it

Someone, Sir Henry told her, had been tampering with his papers

What if those papers happened to be the rough drafts of the two wills?

And if so, who was more likely to see them than Millamant Ancred?

Well, now you see, she knows. There are two wills

She knows the contents of both of them

and she knows that Sir Henry intends to announce the terms of only one of them

So, she sees a chance, once and for all,

to put an end to the old man's shilly-shallying

She orders crayfish for the birthday feast

and in case that and the champagne don't do the trick,

she gives them a helping hand

She spikes the old man's milk of magnesia with a lethal dose of thallium

Then she pours out an extra helping just in case

In case of what?

In case the old man announces will number two

The one that leaves the whole kit and caboodle to Sonia

If he had,

Miss Orrincourt would never have lived to collect

She nearly didn�t

That's the trouble with women when they take up poison

They never know when to stop

Especially in the case of a woman who

pretends to be the most common-sensical of mothers

But whose son is in fact the adored be-all and end-all of her life

She gave up everything for that little twerp

She abandoned her acting career

and she became a sort of unpaid housekeeper to Sir Henry, a drudge,

and all so that Cedric might inherit

It�s all right. It�s all right

When Sir Henry signed the second will late that night,

the beloved Cedric was out in the cold, and the hated Sonia was in the warm

When Miss Orrincourt announced her decision to leave today,

well, that was Millamant's last chance

Well, it's the cat that I feel sorry for

- Cheerio, lads - Cheerio

Bye now

- Good afternoon - Good afternoon

I realise we've missed lunch

but if there's anything you can do for us,

we�d be extremely grateful

Matter of fact, you're in luck

A lady came in not half an hour ago

We took pity on her

and there's what's left of a leg of mutton. Enough for two

Sir, you're a prince among men

Do you know, Breir, if ever I marry a wife, I�ll marry a landlord�s daughter

- Shakespeare again, sir - Lamb, actually

For then I may sit in the bar and drink cold brandy and water

- Troy! - Well, you didn�t even tell me who did it