Original subtitles

[crickets chirping]

[owl hooting]

-[phone rings] -[beeps]

-Hello. -[scary voice] Wanna have a little fun?

Who is this?

[scary voice] Tell me your name and I'll tell you mine.

-I don't think so. -[popcorn popping]

-[farts] -[scary voice] What's that noise?

Oops. [chuckles] I farted. I-- I didn't think you would hear me.

[scary voice] No, that popping noise.

Oh! [chuckles] I'm making popcorn. I'm getting ready to watch a video.

-[scary voice] Ooh, what is it? -[chuckles]

It's just a scary movie.

-[scary voice] Do you like scary movies? -Mm-hmm.

-[scary voice] What's your favorite? -Hmm, I don't know.

[scary voice] Think.

Oh, I know. Um, Kazaam.

You know, the one where Shaq plays a genie.

[scary voice] That's not a horror movie.

[chuckles] Well, you haven't seen Shaq act.

[pops]

-[scary voice] Hey, you have a nice voice. -Thanks.

[scary voice] You never did tell me your name.

Why do you wanna know my name?

[scary voice] 'Cause I wanna know who I'm looking at.

-[eerie music playing] -[gasps]

What-- What did you say?

Nice breasts.

Look, what do you want?

[scary voice] I wanna see what your insides look like.

Well-- Well, then turn to page 54.

Oh. Hey, nice.

[pops]

Listen, asshole, you've had your fun, now, you better stop or else.

[scary voice] Or else what?

Or else my boyfriend's gonna be here any minute,

and he's Black and he'll kick your ass.

-[scary voice] Oh, really? -Yeah.

[scary voice] You mean the one who wears make-up and dresses like a woman?

-How'd you know? -[scary voice] Turn the porch lights on.

[eerie music playing]

Help! Help!

Oh, that's not my boyfriend.

I mean, I've fucked him a couple of times, but that's it.

-[squeals] -Look, I'm calling the cops.

[scary voice] Go ahead. Call the cops.

But you might wanna check the back door first.

You forgot to lock it.

[ominous music playing]

[pops]

[lock clicks]

[Drew pants, sobs]

-[doorbell rings] -[screams]

Take that, you psycho! [grunts]

[boys groaning]

[groans] I can't feel my legs.

[clown] I think my arm is broken.

-Sorry. -[boy groans] I want my mommy.

[ominous music playing]

Hello, Drew.

[gasps]

[whimpers]

[ominous music playing]

Oh, God!

[screams] Oh, God! [pants]

[screams]

[screams]

[groans]

No!

[pants]

[screams]

[dramatic music playing]

[ominous music playing]

No!

[groans]

-[groans] -[killer] Hmm?

[sobs]

-Daddy! Daddy! -[groans]

Daddy!

-Daddy! -[moans]

Daddy, no!

[screams] No!

Did you hear something?

-No, I didn't hear anything. -[Drew's mom gags]

[groans]

[keyboard clacking]

[leaves rustling]

[dog barking outside]

[dog barking]

[screams]

Bobby, what are you doing? My dad's in the other room.

It just occurred to me.

I never climbed through your window before.

Yeah, well, now that you got it out of your system… Bobby!

-What? -You have to leave.

-Why? -[doorknob rattling]

Shh, come on.

What's going on in there?

[groans] Ow, ow. Daddy's head is stuck. Unstick Daddy's head.

-[groans] -[grunts] Dad, can you knock?

Knock? I thought I heard screaming in here.

No. No, you didn't, Dad. [chuckles]

Well, it-- It could've been that crack I smoked earlier, I guess.

-Yeah. -Yeah. Yeah, that's what it was.

Listen, I gotta leave town for a couple days, okay?

No big deal.

Just, you know, that new "business" I started with those Colombian guys?

Oh, you mean Uncle Escobar.

-Yeah. Yeah, that's right. -Yeah.

Well, there's a problem.

Some money went missing and apparently some legs are gonna get broken.

Ah! It's just better if I lay low for a couple days.

-Okay. -Now, if the cops raid the place…

I never heard of you.

-And don't forget… -To flush your stash.

-Oh, you are my little girl. -[chuckles] I know.

I love you so much that I left you a little something in the coffee can.

[tuts] Dad!

[Cindy's dad] But you have to remember to step on it before you sell it.

-Now, what are you gonna cut it with? -Um, baking…

-Baking soda. Not baking powder. -[Cindy] …soda.

Because baking powder, guys will have muffins growing out of their nose.

[chuckles] Yeah.

[chuckles] You love that joke, don't you, honey?

You've loved that joke since you were two-years-old.

-[chuckles] -Okay, well--

-Okay, I love you. -[Cindy's dad] I love you.

Have a good trip.

-Bye. -[Cindy] Bye.

[exhales]

[Bobby] Is the coast clear?

-[sighs] -Oh, Cindy, that nightgown.

That was close. God!

I was, uh, home watching The Exorcist and it got me thinking about you.

If this is about the time I puked green slime and masturbated with a crucifix,

it was my first keg party, Bobby.

No. No. Uh, it was edited for TV. All the good stuff was cutout.

So you thought you would just climb through my window

and we would play bump-bump?

Oh, I was kind of hoping to get my balls licked,

but I wouldn't wanna break your little underwear rule, now, would I?

So maybe just some on-top-of-the-clothes type stuff?

-Okay. -Hmm?

-But just for a minute. -All right.

["I Don't Wanna Wait" playing]

[Cindy chuckling]

The h…

Wrong set.

[moans]

Bobby! Oh, Bobby!

♪ I don't wanna wait For our lives to be over… ♪

-No, Bobby, don't. -[groans]

-Jeez. -[Cindy chuckles]

-[electricity buzzes] -I see.

-Yeah -Yeah, my dad.

Okay, stud, you have to go now.

-[dog barking outside] -[crickets chirping]

Oh, um, about the sex stuff?

I was only half serious. I mean, I don't wanna rush you or anything.

Hey, would you settle for PG-13?

What's that?

-Oh, jeez! -[Cindy chuckles]

-[trashcan clatters] -Goodnight, Bobby.

[ominous music plays]

-[laughs] -Shorty, you is so loud.

And make sure you take your behind to class today.

-I do be going to class. -Lunch is not a class, Shorty.

It is when you got the munchies. [laughs]

-See, that's why you such a dumbass. -Your mother. [laughs]

You my brother. That's your mother too, jackass.

Oh, yeah. Well, then your father's stupid. [laughs]

So? I don't know him.

Yeah, me neither.

-Hey, girl, you ready? -[Cindy] Yeah, in a minute.

-[Brenda] Come on, we're gonna be late. -Oh, wait. There's Buffy.

[scoffs] I don't know why you hang out with her.

-She is such a ho. -Why do you say that?

-[Brenda] 'Cause I've seen her. -Thanks, Dad.

My friend Sean had a pool party this summer.

-Sean? -You know, Puff Daddy?

Anyway, everybody was drinking Cristal champagne.

And then it started to get wild

and people was getting freaky in the pool and stuff.

I look over and there was your girl getting buck wild in the Jacuzzi.

So?

With a backup dancer. I mean, that's nasty.

That's-- That's lower than the security guard.

At least security can get you backstage.

She don't love herself.

-Bye, Daddy. -[Cindy] I don't know.

I think Buffy's sweet, Brenda.

Oh, she is as fake as press-on nails.

-[gasps] Hey, baby girl! -[Buffy] Hi!

-[blowing kisses] -[Cindy] Hi.

What is up, my sister?

-Bye, Mr. Gilmore. -Bye!

-Is he gone? -[Cindy] Yep.

♪ Do you like what you see? ♪

♪ It's all about the money… ♪

[girl] Hey, Cindy!

-I love this color. -Let me see that.

-Oh, you guys should not use this brand. -Why not?

Because they test their products on animals.

So?

Look, have you seen what they do to those poor animals?

Well, I am much more of a people person.

I'd like to feed all the hungry, little children of the world.

I'd much rather help my fellow man than some animal.

-Spare a dollar? -Ew, get away from me, you bum!

Buffy! Can't you see he's just hungry?

Here you go, sir. A nice sandwich.

See?

I said a dollar, bitch!

Ow!

-God. -[girl cheers]

Look at this place. It's a circus.

Hello, I'm Gail Hailstorm, author of the book, You're Dead, I'm Rich.

A small college town is in shock after the unthinkable has happened.

A brutal killing spree that left one teen dead--

-That's it. -[gunshot]

Two teens dead and this small town shaken and stirred.

It's times like these…

Police are combing the area for clues.

It seems there are no witnesses available at this time…

There are no suspects in custody.

Police are asking anyone to come forward…

Reporting live for Black TV!

White folks are dead and we're getting the fuck out of here!

Let's roll, driver! Come on, grab your shit and let's go, motherfucker!

[man] Go, go!

Hey, do you think the press is gonna wanna talk to us?

[groans] Girl, no.

The press only wants to interview the most ignorant person they can find.

I'm on TV! Oh, shit! First Cops, now this! Oh, man, I'mma be a star, son!

What can you tell us about Drew?

Well, she had the fat ass, son. I mean, it was like bang!

How close were you to the victim?

Real close. Until the roofies wore off.

Then she woke up talking about pressing charges.

So I just pulled my tongue outta her ass and left.

What would have been your last words to Drew?

Run, bitch! Run!

Hey, yo, dawg. Does this shirt make me look gay?

[Greg] No, man.

What about now?

[Greg] Nah.

-Cool? -[Greg] Yeah.

Here. Take one, guys. Don't forget, election's Tuesday.

[mocking] "Don't forget, election's Tuesday, eh."

Ah! Goddam it! Son of a bitch!

What's the matter, honey?

[sighs] My report card.

[Buffy] Oh, well, at least you got one A.

Yeah. I did, huh?

-Yeah. [screams] -[grunts] You're so smart.

[moans]

-Hey, has anybody seen Bobby? -Nah.

You know what? That kid is always late. I don't get it. He lives so close.

♪ Why are you any better Than anyone else? ♪

♪ Why are you so good? ♪

-See you later, Hairy Mama. -[Hairy Mama] Bye, hun.

-Bubba, Jim, Big Jim, -[man 1] See ya!

-Little Jim, Slim Jim, everybody. -[man 2] Bye.

-I'll see you later. Ciao, Ding. -[Ding] Bye.

-All right. -[woman] Later, Bobby.

Damn, girl. Mm, mm, mm. I'd sure like to get in them pants.

-Really? -Yeah.

What size are these?

[Bobby] Hey, guys.

-Hey, Bobby. -[Bobby] Hey, baby.

-How you doing? -Good.

You guys see all the reporters out there?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Saying that girl Drew Decker got killed last night.

-I know. -You know what? I think I knew her.

-Really? -Yeah, she had a brother named Steve?

Yeah.

Long hair, pretty little mouth, perfect ass?

-That was her. -Nah, I was talking about Steve.

Whatever happened to him?

Hey, go you guys think it's strange that she got killed

exactly one year after we… you know, killed that guy?

Hey, Cindy, that was an accident.

Was it, Greg?

[rock music playing]

[Greg] Yeah! Yeah.

[moaning]

[Greg chuckles]

[moaning]

Would you look at what they're doing? When are we gonna do stuff like that, huh?

One day.

-You like that, baby? -Yeah. Yeah, that's different.

-You like that? -Oh, I love that.

Oh, I love when you play with my ass.

I'm not playing with your ass.

-Ray! -Oh, my bad.

-[popping] -Come on, man!

Hey, Bobby, put on some music.

[moaning]

Hold on. Here, put this on.

-["It’s Raining Men" playing] -Yeah!

Oh, yeah, that's the shit, right here! Woo!

-♪ Hallelujah, it's raining men… ♪ -♪ It's raining men ♪

-Baby. Stop. -♪ Hey, hey ♪

-♪ I'm gonna go out… ♪ -What?

-♪ I'm gonna let myself get… ♪ -What? It's a classic.

-♪ Absolutely soakin' wet ♪ -Put on the radio, man.

[rock music playing]

Yeah! Woo!

♪ You see 'em coming at you Every night ♪

♪ Strung on pretension They fall for you at first sight… ♪

-What? It was laundry day. -What the fuck is…

Yeah!

Woo! Yeah!

-Hey, come over here. -What?

-Just get a little closer to me. -Something you wanna tell me?

-[zipper unzips] -Bobby, what are you doing?

I just want you to touch it. Just touch it. Come on.

-Uh… -Just a little bit. Come on.

Woo! [groans]

Ow!

Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.

-[Greg] Oh, fuck! -[Cindy chokes]

-[Greg screams] -[hornets buzzing]

-[gasps] -Oh, my God! Shit.

[Greg screams]

God, Cindy-- Oh, shit!

-[all screaming] -[tires screeching]

[panting]

-Oh, my God. What was that? -I think we hit something.

Oh, man!

Bobby, look at my car, man! My dad's gonna freak!

[Bobby] I didn't see it. It-- It came out of nowhere.

Oh, my God, we hit a boot.

-Where's the foot? -I don't know.

[panting]

Where the…

-[Cindy screams] It's a body! -[Ray screams]

-Oh, shit, is he alive? -I don't know.

-Well, check it out! -[Bobby] I can't.

-Shit! -Dear God!

We have to call the police.

-No way. I ain't going to jail. -We have to!

Hey, Cindy, do you know what they do to young boys in prison?

And all those sex-starved convicts just waiting for a fresh piece of meat.

Hey, you're right, Cindy. Maybe we should call the police.

[Greg] Oh, yeah, that's a great idea, Ray. What about Brenda, huh?

You think she wants to go to jail?

This is manslaughter, okay? We're all gonna fry for this.

-We're looking at ten to 15 years. -[Greg] Shut up, Bobby!

-It's okay. I'm fine. -[Greg] Alcohol all over.

[Buffy] We're in so much trouble, you guys.

I'm fine.

[Brenda] Don't blame that shit on me, Ray.

Look, we'll-- We'll get rid of the body.

-Unnecessary. -[Brenda] Now you're thinking.

-All right, we'll dump him in the ocean. -[Brenda] Not the ocean, the pier.

-Guess I'll be leaving now. -[Greg] Yeah, that's a great idea. We'll--

-What about the alcohol? -We'll get rid of it.

-[Bobby] Come on, it'll be all right. -[glass shatters]

-[Greg] Come on. Hurry up. Let's go! -Put him in the trunk.

I won't have anything to do with this!

-[Greg] Shut up! -Cindy, come on.

We'll just pretend it never happened.

You know, like the time we got drunk and we went down on each other.

-[Bobby] I'll get his arm. -[Greg] I'll grab his other arm.

I'll grab his ass.

We'll take him down to Williamson Cove and we'll dump him in there.

The sharks'll take care of the evidence.

Oh, my God, someone's coming.

-Oh, shit. It's Shorty. -[Ray] Brenda, take care of him.

[hip hop music playing]

Shorty, I know you ain't driving without no papers.

I got papers, blunts, bongs,

all the ingredients to make a high nigga pie.

[laughs]

-Hey, yo, can I help you? -Yo, what's up, Ray?

Yo, son, y'all need jumper cables?

-Nah, we're cool. -[Shorty] Oh, good.

'Cause I left my roach clip at home.

[inhales]

-Go home, Shorty. -Yeah, I'll see you later.

Peace, Ray.

-Get the trunk closed. -[man groans]

-[Buffy] It won't close. -[man groans]

-I'll do it. -[groans]

[Shorty laughing]

[suspenseful music playing]

Hold on, hold on. Put him down. He's heavy. Oh, God.

Jesus.

Okay, look. [pants] On three we dump him over the ledge. All right?

Wait, wait, wait. Shouldn't we at least check his wallet?

-For what? -Shit, he might have some money.

We already committed murder. We might as well rob his ass.

-I'll take the credit cards. -I want the jewelry.

I'm gonna take his drawers.

[all clamoring]

Get off! Hey, yo, get off! Hey, yo, his drawers are mine! Hey, yo!

-Ooh, I got me a gold ring. -Credit cards.

-All right, let's get him in the water. -[sighs]

I don't think I can, Greg.

-It's not too late. -Shut up, okay?

Christ, already. I'll do it.

[Greg] Come on, just get him in the water. Okay. One, two, three.

[all panting]

Right now, we make a pact. We take this to our grave. Agreed?

-[all] Agreed. -Agreed?

[all] Agreed.

Say it, Cindy. Say it!

We take this to our grave. Say it!

-[chokes] -We take this to our grave.

-Say it! -Greg, chill. Come on. You're hurting her.

-Greg, come on. -[muffled] We take this to our grave.

Ow.

And we never mention this again.

-Mention what? -The guy we just killed.

Well, you just mentioned it, Greg.

Starting now!

[Buffy] Shut up!

-Bitch, man. -God, I hate him.

It's gonna be okay, baby. It's gonna be okay.

I promise. Just touch it again.

-[sighs] -Come on. Please.

You have to move on, Cindy.

-That's all behind us now. -Exactly.

-It's a coincidence. -Greg's right, Cindy.

I mean, what do you think, we're in a horror movie?

-[all laughing] -Yeah, you guys are right.

I mean, if we were, they'd probably cast some dingbat

like Jennifer Love Huge Tits to play me.

Yeah, yeah, they--

Or they'd cast people in their late 20s, early 30s to play us.

-[all laughing] -[bell ringing]

Kenny, get the camera ready. Here, hold my gum.

[spits]

Hi, Sheriff, Sheriff, can I get a statement?

-[sheriff] No comment. -Damn.

Who do I have to screw around here to get a stupid story?

Hey! Hey, no running.

[blows whistle]

[boy] Loser.

-Slow it down! -[boy] Blow me!

All right!

Hi, Gail Hailstorm. Field reporter, Hard Story.

Special Officer Doofy.

Oh, hi, Doofy. Doofy, listen, is there a problem on campus?

-No comment. No comment. -Okay. Okay.

You know, you look awfully young to be a police officer.

-Yeah, I'm 25 and a half years old. -Ooh!

-Yeah, that's this many. -[gasps] So big.

-Yeah, that's big. -[Gail chuckles]

-Well, you don't look a day over 12. -[chuckles]

Except for the big head and glazed over look in your eyes.

-Ooh, is that drool? -Yeah, I forgot to swallow.

Don't worry, 'cause I never forget.

-[both chuckle] -[farts]

-Would you remind me not to do that again? -Sorry.

[principal over PA] Hello, due to the recent tragedy,

the sheriff and me, your principal,

will be questioning all students throughout the day.

[Gail] Wow. Sounds like we've got the makings of a serial killer on our han--

Yeah, I'm not supposed to say. It's official police business.

Mm. Hey, Doofy, what do you say you and I go inside my van over there

and, uh, get to know each other a little better?

-Would you like that? -That van?

Yeah, that van right there. [chuckles]

-[chuckles] -Yeah.

-Yeah, okay, let's go. Come on. -Oh!

A terrible tragedy and an unbearable loss.

It's days like today that we need prayer in school.

Starts to unravel the very moral fabric of our society.

Here you go, baby.

-Go to your daddy. [chuckles] -[baby cries]

Oh!

[chuckles] I'll see you after class.

-Sweet! -All right!

Okay, class, who would like to give their oral presentation first?

Oh!

-Anybody? -Yes!

Anybody else?

-Okay, Heather. -Oh! Yes!

[class groaning]

-Okay. Can I start? -Yeah.

Okay, my presentation is on the First Amendment.

And it began on May 25th, 1787 in Philly with George Washington.

And it states, and I quote,

"When our Founding Fathers argued the passage of our glorious Constitution…"

[ominous music playing]

[romantic music playing]

[birds chirping]

[romantic music concludes]

[ominous music playing]

And so, the First Amendment gives us the right to say what we want--

-Oh, shut the fuck up! -[Heather screams]

-So, who's next? -[golf ball clinks]

Uh, Cindy Campbell.

Isn't she the daughter of, uh, well, you know…

-Oh, yeah, old missus, uh… -Old missus…

And… Yeah. Yeah, the one and only--

[principal] The one and only. [chuckles]

-Yeah. [chuckles] -[principal clears throat]

-[clears throat] Why, hello, Cindy. -[Cindy] Hi, Principal Squiggman.

Thanks, Doofy.

It's Special Officer Doofy today, Cind.

Now, Cindy, the sheriff has some questions that he would like to ask you today.

-What is that… That god-awful smell? -I don't know.

I go poopie.

Did you just say that you, uh… You went poopie?

-Yeah, it was good. -[sheriff] Hmm.

-Get him out of here. -[principal] Oh, yeah.

-Thank you, Doofy. -Okay.

You should now go back to special ed.

-Okay. Salute. -Maybe a change of underwear, son.

-Bye, Doofy. -Bye, Cind.

-How are you, Cindy? -[Cindy] Fine.

-How are you, Sheriff? -[sheriff] Bloated, constipated.

Got a boil on my ass the size of a walnut.

-You know, the usual. -[chuckles nervously]

Cindy, we wanna ask you some questions about Drew Decker.

I didn't really know her.

Oh, come on. Sure you do.

-No. I mean, I didn't really know her. -[sheriff] Come on.

I've been in this game a long time.

Don't bullshit a bullshitter, all right. Tell me about Drew.

How-- What was she like in bed, Cindy?

Ah! Tried to get ya. [chuckles]

-[chuckles] -It's an old police trick.

It's an old police trick. You didn't fall for it.

-Good for you, kid. -[Cindy] That's funny. [chuckles]

Hike!

[all grunting]

[boy] Pass! Pass!

[all grunting]

-[blows whistle] -[coach] All right, shower up!

[Ray] Yes!

-Yo, Dugan, man, nice play, yo. Word up. -[Dugan] Yeah, man.

Johnson, what a block, baby.

-Word up. Woodward, nice ass. -Hey.

Damn.

Hey, yo, Greg. Man, what's up? You gonna hit the showers or what?

No, man. I-- I think I'm gonna work out, you know?

Beat the bag a little.

Suit yourself, kid. All right.

Last one in the shower's a rotten egg! Come on, y'all!

[giggles] Don't let Uncle Ray catch you! [chuckles]

♪ Superfly, you're not superfly ♪

♪ You're not superfly You're not super ♪

[eerie music playing]

[dramatic music playing]

Who did this? Huh? Where are you?

This isn't funny, all right? A small dick's like a disability, man!

Huh? Would you make fun of a guy in a wheelchair, huh?

Would you? Come on out here, you sick fuck!

I'll kick the shit out of you right now!

All right?

It's not the size of the hammer, it's the nail you're throwing it at!

It's a shame how she died, you know? She was such a nice girl.

Yeah, she used to baby-sit my brother Doofy.

-He had the biggest crush on her. -Ray, you're a dead man!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Nah, nah, nah. What you trying to say? You wanna get butt-naked and wrestle?

-Come on. -Bring it on, Ray!

-Hold my earrings. Where's my Vaseline? -Come on, man. Chill out.

-Take it easy. What's the problem? -I'll show you the problem.

-Oh… That's you? -[laughing]

They-- They turned the hot water off in the showers, all right?

[laughing]

[Ray] Oh, shit!

-[laughing] -Laugh it up, you guys. Big laugh.

You know what? You can all go to hell!

Greg, you're not the only one who got one.

Oh, you mean-- You mean Bobby's got a baby dick too?

No, I was talking about the note. I got one too.

-Somebody knows. -[Greg] That's bullshit, Cindy.

Look, someone's just trying to fuck with us, you guys.

We have to call the police, Greg.

You call the police and I'll kill you myself.

-[Cindy groans] -[Greg grunts]

[Ray] Ooh!

-You're hurting her, man. -[Greg] And you know what?

That goes for all of you guys.

That psycho wants a piece of me, bring it on.

But I'm not going to jail. You got that?

-[Cindy groaning] -[boys] Ooh!

[Bobby] Oh, shit.

What's everybody talking about?

Just forget it, Shorty. You already know too much.

[Cindy groaning]

-[cheering and applause] -[host] Aren't they beautiful?

-Buffy! -[host] Contestant number one!

[applause]

Very good. And contestant number two.

[applause]

Very good. And contestant number three.

-[cheering and applause] -[Greg] That's my girl!

That's my girlfriend!

[boy] Yeah, that's my girlfriend too!

Hey, kiss my ass!

[boy 2] Yeah, I'm hitting that too!

-All right, Buffy! -Hey, shut the hell up, man!

[boy 3] Oh, yeah, man. Best pussy I ever had!

What, you want a piece of me?

Now, the talent portion of the competition.

Oh, you guys, I'm gonna go downstairs for a closer seat.

-See you after the show. -Okay.

-[host] …number three, Buffy Gilmore. -[cheering and applause]

Hey, man, I'm gonna go hit the head. You want me to bring you back anything?

No, no, no. I'm good, man. But hurry back. She's gonna perform.

-Don't worry. I'll be back. -[host] So, good evening, Buffy.

And what will be your talent for this evening?

Acting. I'll be doing a dramatic reading.

[cheering]

-[microphone screeches] -Buffy Gilmore, doing a dramatic reading.

[cheering and applause]

Hey, do that thing from Baywatch! She's running down the beach!

Look out, Greg! Look behind you!

-It's him! It's the killer! -Huh?

Oh, my-- Somebody do something!

-Somebody do something! -[indistinct chatter]

He's killing him! [sobs]

-He's killing him! -Must be an original piece.

He's killing him! [sobs]

She's good. She's good.

-What's wrong with you people? -That's fantastic.

You fucking bastards! Why won't anyone help?

-Amazing. -[girl] She's the next Pamela Lee.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God! No!

-[groans] -Greg, hold on!

[cheering and applause]

Give it up for Buffy Gilmore! Wonderful. Absolutely fantastic.

I think we have a winner, ladies and gentlemen.

Miss Buffy Gilmore!

Buffy, wait. You have to go back on stage.

-No, I have to get to Greg. -But you won!

-They're calling your name. -There's a killer…

-I won? -They're calling your name. Go.

Buffy, what happened? What about Greg?

-Oh, fuck Greg. I won! -Congratulations!

Oh, out of my way, loser!

Miss Buffy Gilmore!

♪ Here she comes ♪

♪ Miss Teen, she's so fine ♪

♪ Such lovely tits ♪

-Give me my crown, bitch. -♪ And a great behind ♪

♪ There she is Doggy style anytime ♪

♪ And I'll do her behind Behind and behind ♪

♪ Oh, there she is ♪

-♪ She loves 69 ♪ -[screams]

There's no sign of him anywhere. I don't--

-He could've taken the body. -That's impossible, Cindy.

There's no blood. There's nothing. Look around.

I bet it's just Greg playing another one of his dumb jokes.

He's gonna turn up. I'm sure of it.

He's probably at my house waiting for us right now, you guys.

All right, fine. Fine. But you know what, I'm gonna look around some more, so…

-You mind catching a ride home with Buffy? -Yeah, no problem.

-All right, fine. -Call me later.

-[crickets chirping] -[water running]

[hums]

[phone rings]

-[eerie music playing] -[phone beeps]

-Hello. -[scary voice] Hello, Cindy.

-[gasps] Who is this? -[Bobby] It's me, Bobby.

You know, your boyfriend.

[chuckles] Yeah, I'm sorry. I guess I'm a little jumpy lately.

-Hey, any sign of Greg? -[Bobby] No.

-Do you want me to come by? -No.

[chuckles] I'm just gonna take a bath and then I'm gonna go to bed.

[Bobby] Okay. I'd really like to see you, but…

-I love you. -Aw. I love you too, baby.

[phone beeps]

[sighs]

[farts, chuckles]

[sniffs]

[phone rings]

[phone beeps]

Bobby, I told you--

[killer] I still know what you did last Halloween.

-Who is this? -[dial tone]

[ominous music playing]

[phone ringing]

[screams] Ow! Ow!

-[phone continues ringing] -God!

[phone beeps]

-Hello. -[killer] I'm gonna kill you. [chuckles]

-I'm gonna slice you up. -Who is this?

-[killer] I'm gonna chop you like liver. -What do you want?

[killer] I'm in the house. [chuckles]

Do you know where I am?

-[gasps] -[killer chuckling]

I could be anywhere. I'm like the wind, baby.

Yeah. Where am I?

[chuckles]

Um, you're-- You're behind the couch.

[killer] What? How do you know that?

I can, um, see your feet.

[killer groans]

[killer] Okay, turn around. Close your eyes. No peeking.

Yeah. No. No, no.

Hey, no peeking. No peeking. Turn around.

Good. Okay, now you can look.

Now do you know where I am? [chuckles] You don't.

No, Mr. Killer. I don't know where you are.

[killer] I'll give you a big clue.

[screams]

[killer groans] I gotta stop drinking.

-[screams] -[killer groans]

[grunts]

-Grandma! -[grandma] Hi, baby!

[groans] Oh, my hip!

[grunts]

[killer] Uh-oh.

[screams]

[screams, pants]

[killer grunts]

[screams]

[Cindy] Come on.

[sirens blaring]

[dispatcher] White woman in trouble off the 744…

-[sobs] -[sirens blaring outside]

-[twigs snapping] -[screams]

-Are you okay? -Oh, my God.

I heard screaming. What's going on?

-Bobby, he was here. -Shh.

The killer was here, Bobby.

It's okay.

[ominous music playing]

-I can explain that. -Oh, my God.

A friend gave 'em to me. Cindy. Cindy.

-[screams] -Cindy. Cindy!

Cindy! Cindy! Cindy!

-[screams] -[gasps] It's me, Cind. [gasps]

Cindy, you know me. Cindy.

I know you've had a rough night, Cindy, so I won't keep you.

I just want you to look at some photos. Tell me what you think.

[Cindy] Mm-mm.

-[sheriff] No? -[Cindy] No.

-I'm sorry, Sheriff. -You sure?

Okay, you're free to go. Do you have somebody picking you up?

-Yeah. -Oh, just…

Check that one out again.

-Mm, no. -No? No? All right.

Well, worth a shot. All right, thanks.

Guess what I just did with those hookers we busted.

-No way. -All the way, man!

Yes, yes. Watch this, watch this. Doofy!

-Yeah? -Come on. [claps] Come on.

Okay.

Special Officer Doofy reporting.

-Hey, Doofy, smell my fingers. -[sniffs]

-[laughing] -What's that?

That's when you know you've become a man, Doofy!

Hey, Terry, smell my finger.

-[groans] What the hell is that? -My ass.

-Get the hell out of here, Doofy. -Doofy, Mom said get home now.

Tell Mom I'm on official police business.

-Hey, Cindy, are you okay? -Hey, hey, hey.

No talking to the witness.

Go get in the car, Doofy. She's coming with us.

-Does Mom know? -Yeah, Doofus.

Mom says when I wear this badge,

you're supposed to treat me like a man of the law.

Yeah, well, Mom also said for you to stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner.

[laughing]

Okay, three, two--

-[cameraman] Oh, no. Gosh darn. -What now?

No, it's just that there's all these numbers with decima--

-[Gail] What, can't you count? -No, I can count, but the ring is--

Here, let me make it easy for you. Chubzilla, listen up. Okay?

-This little piggy went to the market. -All right.

All right? This little piggy stayed home.

Now, if this little piggy doesn't roll the goddam camera,

I'm gonna put my foot up his fuckin' ass--

[cameraman] We're live, Gail.

Gail Hailstorm standing out in front of the police station

where I'm going to try and get a glimpse of Cindy Campbell.

The young girl who was attacked earlier this evening.

-[crunch] -You're on my foot, fat shit!

-Sorry, G-- Ow, don't-- -[Gail] What did I say? Huh?

-What did I say? -"Don't ever step on Gail's shoes."

-[Gail] Why not? -Because Gail wear Prada shoes.

-You idiot. -I'm a-- I'm a bad man.

-[reporters clamor] -[reporter] Cindy! Cindy, come here!

[reporter] Cindy, can we get a statement?

Buffy Gilmore, Miss Teen. She's not talking.

[reporter] Is it true the police have someone in custody?

-Um, come on, Cindy. -Cindy, Cindy, your ass looks fat!

-[groans] -Bitch!

-Good shot. -Come on.

-All right, who copped a feel? -[cameraman] Gail, it was me.

-Oh, my God. -It was an accident, Gail.

I only touched the-- The top of the breast.

-It was so tender and juicy. You know-- -Shut up!

[dial tone]

[phone beeps]

-[phone ringing] -[indistinct sports commentary on TV]

-[phone beeps] -Yo.

[killer] Hello, Shorty. What are you doing?

Nothin'.

Sittin' here watchin' the game. Smokin' some bud.

[inhales]

[killer] Are you all alone?

-Wassup? -Wassup?

[killer] What the… Who's that?

Yo, pick up the phone.

[all] Wassup?

Yo, Dookie, pick up the phone!

Yo.

[all] Wassup?

[chuckles] What you doin', son?

[killer] Nothin'. Just chillin', killin'.

True. True.

So, you think Bobby did it?

I don't know. But he was there, Buffy.

I knew there had to be something. He's just too perfect.

Handsome, smart, good in bed.

-What did you say? -Uh--

-[chuckles] -Hey, Cind.

Got you an ice pack for your hand.

-Ow! -Sorry.

-[groans] -I'll get you one for your head.

No, no, that's okay, Doofy.

Hey, we're gonna get that guy you dumped in the water. Yeah.

I'll be next door if you need me. Night, Cind.

Buffy, you told him?

The moron overheard a conversation Greg and I were having.

Yeah, but what if he says something?

Who's gonna believe a retarded retard like him anyway? Don't worry.

Cindy, telephone.

[Cindy] Thank you.

Hello.

-[killer] Hello, Cindy. -[gasps]

-[killer] Guess what? -No!

-[killer] You got the wrong guy. -No!

-[killer] Yup, it's not Bobby. -Doofy!

-Who is this? -[dial tone]

-[Buffy's mom] Doofy! Doofy! -Oh, my God.

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

Hello?

Hello?

I said don't disturb me while I'm cleaning my room!

[bell rings]

I heard Bobby got out this morning.

I haven't seen him around. Is he pissed?

You mean since you branded him the Candyman?

No, his heart is broken.

Yo, son. It's like I seen this all before.

They had a killer at your old high school, Shorty?

Nah, it was in this movie Scream.

Same dialogue and everything. This is ill.

-How did it end? -I don't know.

Some nigga started shooting up in the movie theater, so we just broke out.

-No doubt. -Okay.

I say we all just stick together. Tonight, everyone meet at my house.

And bring some friends. But don't tell everyone, okay?

-Try to keep it quiet. -Okay.

Yo! Party at Cindy's house! Drunk white women for everybody!

[boys cheering]

Ray, if you see Bobby, tell him I love him.

Okay. If I see Bobby, I'll tell him I love him.

-Jesus! -It's okay. It's all right.

-It's just me, baby. -[pants]

What, you don't still think it's me, do you?

No, it's just that somebody did try to kill me.

Yeah, and the police said I scared him away.

I know. He called me last night.

Yes, you see, it couldn't have been me. I was in jail last night, remember?

[man chuckles] You're the best.

I'm sorry. Please understand.

Understand what? That my girlfriend would rather call me a killer than touch me?

-That's not true, Bobby. -Then what is it?

What is it? She's gone and she's not coming back.

It's been over a year, Cindy.

But Ginger was such an important part of the Spice Girls.

-Oh, you gotta move on, baby. -Oh!

I'm sorry if my complicated life

is an inconvenience to your perfect existence.

Cindy. Cind.

[sheriff] Okay, everybody, listen up.

Let me just say, uh, the killing of these--

These teenagers has been tragic, but, uh…

Hey, you know, shit happens.

[reporters clamor] Sheriff! Sheriff!

Yes, Miss Thunderstorm.

Have they found Cindy Campbell's father?

-No. -Isn't he a suspect?

That is classified information. Where are you getting that?

I'm sorry, but my sources are strictly confidential, Sheriff.

Hey, Gail.

Gail swallows.

[microphone screeches]

[indistinct chatter]

Watch this.

Hello. Who is this?

What? [sobs] You wanna kill me?

Oh, God. Hold on. Cindy, it's for you.

[laughing]

All right, knock it off, Buffy.

Now, as you all have heard, there is a killer in our town

and the police have asked us to give you the following safety tips.

Stay in well-lit areas. Do not travel alone, whenever possible.

Always wipe front to back.

And remember, never, ever

believe someone when they tell you that shaving your pubic hair

will rid you of crab infestation.

Now, I understand this is a difficult time for you young ladies.

So, if anyone needs to come to my office to talk, I'm here for you.

What a crock of shit.

It's not, Buffy! He's real!

[laughing]

[girl] She's wack.

[inhales deeply]

[knocks]

Miss Mann?

Come in, dear. Have a seat. Take off your bra, if you'd like.

No, thanks.

What can I do for you, Cindy?

I need to talk. See, I have this problem and I don't know who to tell.

Not feeling so fresh?

Huh?

Feminine odor and itching got you down?

Oh, no. [chuckles] No, not that.

Then what is it?

I have a terrible secret.

Well, Cindy, we all have our little secrets.

Sometimes we do things we're not so proud of.

Some for money.

Others to gain the athletic edge on the competition.

Sometimes those secrets come back to haunt us.

[screams]

Do you know what I mean?

Yes, I do, um, Miss Mann. [chuckles nervously] Thanks for ball…

I mean, all your help. I have to go to class.

Anytime, dear.

-Buffy, are you coming? -I'll catch up with you guys in a sec.

[man whispers] Redrum.

Hello?

[eerie music playing]

Somebody there?

Hello!

[screams, scoffs] Very funny.

Who put you up to this? Cindy? Lose the cape. It's way too '90s horror.

Oh, so what movie is this from, Die, Cheerleader, Die?

Wanna play psycho killer?

Can I be the helpless cheerleader?

Oh, so is this where I'm supposed to beg for my life?

Please, Mr. Killer, don't kill me.

[groans]

[gasps, groans]

So, is this where I'm supposed to bleed?

Oh, look, I'm bleeding! Eek. Eek. [gasps]

Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to run, right? [chuckles]

-[killer] Uh… -Okay. I'm running! I'm running! Help!

Help! Oh, now I'm gonna fall and break my leg, leaving me helpless.

-[bone cracks] -[groans]

There you go, Mr. Scary Killer. I'm panicking now.

Oh, God! Somebody please help me!

Oh, God, no! [sobs] No!

Oh, now what?

Ooh, I guess this is the big climax.

Hope you don't mind if I fake it. [screams half-heartedly]

Oh, look at me. I'm all dead.

I'm a gross, scary severed head. Come on. Please.

Do you know who I am? I'm Miss Teen. You're really giving me a headache.

And you got blood all over my Gucci sweater.

I hope you're gonna pay for that.

[screams] I will not be ignored by the likes…

I'm gonna jump!

Phil, get back in there.

-No! -[teacher] What are you doing up there?

Be reasonable.

[Phil] I can't take this fucking job

or those greasy shithead teenagers anymore!

I'm gonna end it all!

[teacher] Wait! Hold on! We're getting help for ya!

Now we know Bobby's not the killer. So, who is?

I don't know.

Well, if the killer was in your house last night,

why didn't he just kill you then?

Because he's just messing with us.

Don't you see? He's got us right where he wants us.

We can't go to the police.

He's just out there watching us and waiting for us.

What are you waiting for, huh?

What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?

-What am I waiting for? -[Cindy] What are you waiting for?

What am I waiting for?

-What are you waiting for? -[Phil] Fuck you!

[crowd gasps]

-[teacher] Oh, my God. -[gasps]

Ray, I still don't think this party is a good idea.

You know I'm not gonna let nothin' happen to you.

I just don't feel right. Why can't we just do something else?

Okay, how about we go to the movies?

-Huh? You like that? -Yes.

[Ray] See a little movie, huh?

["All About U" playing on stereo]

-Hmm, hey! That is my song! -[Ray] Hey!

You know they gave me a shout-out on the album, right?

-What? -[Brenda] Yes.

♪ Everywhere I go I see the same ho's ♪

-Ooh, Brenda. -[Brenda chuckles]

Did I tell you how sexy you look in my jersey?

-I do, Ray? -[Ray] Yes.

I like it. Hey, get up. Go-- Go over there. Let me see it.

[chuckles]

-Ooh, yes, I like that. -[grunting]

-You like that? You like that? -Yeah. Hey!

-[Brenda] You like that? -Hey, put this on with it.

[chuckles] Ray, you are so freaky.

That's right. You know I'm freaky, girl.

-Go on. Pull it. Pull it up. -[grunts]

-Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ah! -Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

[chuckles]

Yeah. Here, put this on with it.

Go on.

Are you sure?

Go on, girl. Go on. Pull it on.

-Okay. -[Ray] Go on.

I like that look.

-Ooh, I'm bad. -[Ray] Ooh, ah, yes.

Here, put this on with it.

Go on, girl. Put it on.

Yeah, put that shit on there. Come on. Just shove it on.

Do it. Yeah. Ooh, so fucking sexy.

Come here, girl. Bring your little sexy ass over here. Come on!

Full speed. Charge!

[growls]

-Yes! Yes! Come on! Turn around! -Ooh!

Turn around! Come on! Yes, Brendan!

-Take it, Brendan! Take it, Brendan! -Who?

Uh… Uh, Brenda. Come on, come on.

Put the helmet on. No, let's role-play. Come on. You get me. Get me.

-Come on! Come on! -Huh?

I'm here at Lover's Lookout. It's dark, it's in the middle of nowhere,

and it's where hormone-driven teens love to come and fool around.

So, very likely, we're about to see someone get killed.

Okay, sure enough, there's a girl in that car, blouse unbuttoned, all alone.

Let's see if she'll have a word with us.

Hi, Gail Hailstorm, author of the new book, You're Next.

-Oh, yeah. -[chuckles] Can you tell us your name?

Well, my name's Heather.

Heather, can you tell us what you're doing out here all alone?

Well, yeah, sure.

My boyfriend and I were just, like, making out

and then we heard a noise out there, so he went to go check it, but…

-[Gail] Mm-hmm. -That was, like, ten minutes ago or so.

Yeah, yeah.

Heather, has it crossed your little mind that your boyfriend was probably murdered

and you're about to be slaughtered next?

-Really? [chuckles] No way! -Way.

-Heather, good luck. -Okay, thanks, Gail. You're the best.

-[screams] -I know. Okay, just as I thought.

The murder is happening as we speak.

I'm gonna try and break into the bloodshed. Are you getting this?

Excuse me. Heather, Heather, can you tell us what you're feeling, honey?

Lots of pain. Gail, please help me. Gail, please!

I'd like to help you out, kid, but it's sweeps.

Sir, sir, can I get a word with you? Sir--

[killer] You got a lot of nerve coming here!

I'm just trying to do my job.

-Get the camera off me now! -No, Kenny, keep rolling!

-[killer] You're dead, bitch. -Keep rolling, Kenny.

-[killer] I'm gonna slice your head off… -Sweet Jesus!

…and shove it up his ass. Get-- Get that camera off me!

[Gail] Oh, my God, Kenny! Kenny, move your fat ass!

Kenny! Oh, my God, he's right behind you!

[Kenny] This man is chasing me, Gail. [groans]

I'm so scared right now.

[whimpers] I just want to say…

to the family of my cameraman, Kenny, I am so sorry.

This was my interview…

my story.

It's all my fault.

[jazz music playing]

You want some popcorn?

Uh-uh. I brought me a little snack of my own.

[rustling]

-You want some chicken? -Nah.

Mm-hmm, for all y'all talkers up in here, it's time to keep it down right now

Shh!

Shh, back at you. Shh!

Why they actin' already? It ain't nothin' but the previews.

[dramatic music playing]

[narrator] The largest ship the world had ever known.

Its 400 passengers and crew on a maiden voyage to a brave new world.

A journey that would change their lives forever.

[cheers, chuckles]

I'm the king of the world!

[cheers]

-[whip cracks] -[screams]

-[narrator] Amistad II. -[sailor] Get your ass down there, boy!

I'mma go to the bathroom real quick.

Don't leave now, the movie about to come on.

I'mma go to the bathroom. Here, take your hot sauce.

Hurry up, man. Don't be long.

Back up! Let him through!

You can move back some. You don't own the theater.

[indistinct chatter]

-[bell ringing] -[announcer] And they're off!

It's number three in the lead. Number two, close behind.

And number three is the winner!

-[bell ringing] -[fanfare plays]

[cheering and applause]

[announcer] …has placed and number four to show.

Next week's Triple Crown starts at 2:30.

-[urinating] -Be here early.

[man squeaking]

[squeaking continues]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

Hey, who was that?

Go ahead. Do it again. Do it again. [chuckles]

-[ominous music playing] -[groans]

[woman in movie] Anon.

Hmm! Mm-mm. Mm-mm! Don't go in there!

[screams]

-[screams, chuckles] -[all gasp]

Lord, I'm gonna have a heart attack! Damn, this is some scary shit!

[chuckles] Oh, I am scared!

Excuse me!

[scoffs] I think I paid my money like everybody else up in here.

-…out of her favor. Where I… -That ain't no man!

-You can see her real hair, right there! -Do you mind?

I know you better get outta my face! Outta my face! Outta my face!

This is all me up in here. You handle that.

-[man] Will you shut the fuck up! -[woman] Yeah!

Mm-mm, this movie is good.

Hey, baby. You came back just in time. She's about to get it on with Shakespeare.

-He found out she's a girl. -Shut up.

Yeah, I got you. I got you on camera. You on Candid Camera now.

You ain't know that.

-[cell phone rings] -[audience groans]

Hello. Hey, girl. I-- I'm at a movie.

Uh-huh, Shakespeare in Love. Uh-uh. Ooh, you lying!

For Christ's sake, will you just shut your trap!

-Shut up! -Hold on.

I don't know why y'all is acting like this.

My girlfriend already seen the movie.

She said they don't even stay together in the end.

-[audience groans] -[man] Give me that.

[gasps]

Right on.

Will you sit down.

-[groans] -Shut up.

Your ass is grass.

-[groans] -[indistinct chatter]

-This is for Thelma! -And Louise!

This is for talking through The Fugitive!

-You ruined Schindler's List. -All Jackie Chan movies.

-Boogie Nights! -And Big Momma's House!

[booing]

[screams]

[cheering and applause]

[man in movie] And I cannot marry the daughter of Sir Robert De Lesseps.

[rock music playing]

Um, you guys, there's a-- There's a few too many people.

Oh, honey, please don't throw-- No, hey, you guys, stop.

Hey! Hey, please! That's my dad's!

-No, don't touch-- Ah, no! -[glass shatters]

Do you have more beer?

-Do you have more beer? -Um, yeah. Uh, check in the garage.

-No, no, no, no, no! Don't! -[glass shatters]

[light switch clicks]

[eerie music playing]

[metal clanking]

-[sighs] Kitty, you scared me. -[cat meows]

-[metal clanks] -[gasps]

[neighs]

Horsey. Oh, you scared me too.

Hello? Who's there?

[gasps]

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Please, don't! -[glass shatters]

Please! I'm just a day player! [grunts]

[grunts, screams]

[pants]

[screams, grunts]

Oh, my God.

[grunts]

[grunts]

[screams]

[screams]

[all] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

-[cheers] -[crowd cheers]

[boy] Yeah!

Oh, Bobby. Bobby. I was worried about you.

I thought the killer got to you before I could.

-[chuckles] -Could what?

I wanna go upstairs. There's something I wanna show you.

-[chuckles] Yeah. Yeah. -[chuckles] Oh, yeah.

-Hey, party on! -[cheering]

[Cindy retches]

-So… [chuckles awkwardly] -So… [chuckles awkwardly]

-Here we are… again. -Yeah. [chuckles]

And, you know, if you're not ready…

I'll understand.

Bobby… I am ready.

-You are? -Yeah.

I can't keep fighting these urges.

I have to just give in to them and let them flow.

Right.

-Bobby? -Huh?

I have been so selfish.

This is like a scene from a movie or something.

Only it isn't a movie, Bobby. This is real life.

It's all a movie, baby.

There's the sound guy. There's the script supervisor.

-How ya doin', baby? -[Cindy sighs]

-Bobby? -What?

What I mean is that in real life

you have to enjoy each moment.

Yeah.

[romantic music playing]

[moans]

Mm! Ow!

[groans] Bobby.

-[Bobby mumbles] -Bobby!

-[both groan] -[Cindy chuckles]

Can I tell you a secret?

[Dookie] Sure, man.

I see dead people.

-[chuckles] Man, this shit is awesome! -[all chuckling]

Yo, son, we gotta roll some more of that shit!

-[laughs] Shit! -We don't have any more papers, man.

We don't have any more papers.

-[groaning] -Oh, man! What can we use to make a bong?

[bubbling]

[all] Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke!

Yeah!

[ominous music playing]

Oh, shit, son!

[all] Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke!

[killer exhales] This some good shit!

[all cheering]

["Show Me Now" playing]

[grunts]

-Bobby! -What?

I've never done this before.

It's okay. It's okay. It's just like…

[sighs] It's like sucking on a Tootsie Roll Pop.

-A Tootsie Pop? -[Bobby] Yeah, a cherry-flavor one.

-[Cindy] Oh. -With the fudge in the middle?

-[slurps] -Okay. [chuckles]

♪ Show me how ♪

♪ How it feels When we're together… ♪

Just like that. Just like that, baby.

-[crunches] -[groans]

Oh, Jesus!

I never could wait to get to the chewy middle.

-You know what? Let-- Let me. -[Cindy] Oh, okay.

Goddamn.

♪ I'm on a rocket ship To a mother ship ♪

♪ I'm flyin' solo But don't know if I can stop ♪

♪ Don't ask me why Don't make me lie ♪

♪ Just kick back Just sit back ♪

♪ Enjoy the ride ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a spaceman ♪

-[bats squeak] -[Cindy] Yeah. [chuckles]

Guess it's been a while. [chuckles]

♪ Stay with me ♪

Oh, oops! [chuckles]

It's very, uh, '70s of you. [chuckles]

[chuckles]

[hedge trimmer whirs]

Oh, yeah. Oh, Bobby!

[gags]

Come here, Bobby! I want it now!

[killer] Oh, man, am I fuckin' stoned!

-Yeah, me too, son. -[killer] Hey. Hey, you guys hear that?

-[imitates horror music] -[whimpers]

-[killer chuckles] -Oh!

[all laughing]

[killer shushes]

-[chuckles] -[line rings]

-[woman] Hello? Hello? -[killer] Hello.

What's your favorite scary movie?

[all laughing]

[shushes]

I'm gonna gut you like a pig!

[all laughing]

Oh, yeah! Oh! Yeah! What's my name, Bobby?

[chuckles nervously] What? [groans]

-What's my name, bitch? -Ow! God! It's Cindy!

Whose is it, Bobby? Whose is it, Bobby?

-It's yours. -[Cindy grunts]

[growls]

-[demonic roar] -Oh, my God!

-[rumbling] -[glass shatters]

Oh, shit!

♪ Don't even contest 'Cause I'll make you undress ♪

♪ Like porn dancers Waitin' at the front door for an answer ♪

♪ Hey, yo, I'm sick of artificial MCs Like silicone titties ♪

-[all beatboxing] -Hey, yo, check it, yo.

♪ Fuck a cheap ball ♪

♪ I wanna smoke Cheech and Chong And if I wanna fuck long ♪

♪ I let my ding-a-long hit the bong And then it's on ♪

♪ Always pass the dutchie to the left Because the right way is wrong ♪

-[chuckles] -[cheering]

[killer] I got one. I got one. Here it goes. Ready?

♪ I'm gonna slash and gash Cut another hole in your ass ♪

♪ I spill blood on the walls Then play tennis with your balls ♪

♪ If the phone rings Don't answer the call ♪

♪ Gonna slit your throat Fuck you like a goat ♪

♪ Peel your foreskin off And make a winter coat ♪

Peace!

Yo.

That was the illest rhyme I ever seen, son! [laughs]

Bobby… where were you tonight?

-What? -I was just curious.

What took you so long to get here?

Why you so curious?

I don't know.

I thought it would fit the '90s horror cliché if

you turned out to be the killer.

[scoffs] Oh, so, what? You think I killed Buffy and Greg?

Buffy and Greg are dead?

-I thought you knew that. -[Cindy] Oh, my God!

Bobby, turn around! It's the killer!

[screams]

[screams]

-[Bobby] Cindy! -[screams, gasps]

-Oh, my God! Bobby! Bobby! -[Bobby] Cindy, help me.

-[sobs] Bobby, it's okay. -Gimme the gun. Gimme…

It's gonna be okay, Bobby.

Yo, wait for me! There's a killer in the house!

There's ass, blood and guts everywhere!

Someone done gone crazy, son!

[chuckles] We all go a little crazy sometimes.

Bobby, no!

-[gunshot] -Oh, shit, son!

[whimpers] Oh, my God!

[groans]

Cindy, he shot me in the lungs.

[inhales] You wanna hit this shit?

Ketchup.

Just like my mom puts on her spaghetti, baby.

Oh, my God! Ray, you've gotta help me! Bobby's gone crazy!

[woman's voice] Surprise!

-[scary voice] Surprise, Cindy! -[gasps]

Why are you doing this, Bobby?

Why? Why?

Hear that, Ray? I think she wants a motive.

-Did Scream have a plot? -No.

[chuckles] Did I Know What You Did Last Summer make any sense?

Don't think so! What about the sequel?

What the hell was with that fat, white Jamaican kid?

-Oh, I wanna kill that motherfucker. -Me too, man.

It was bad casting, Bobby.

How about this for a motive? Lack of sex! It can cause serious deviant behavior.

I thought you loved me.

Oh, I did, baby.

I did, but abstinence can make you discover new things about yourself.

That's right, Cindy. I'm gay.

And in case you haven't noticed, so is Ray.

What? I ain't gay.

What are you talking about? You took me to that club.

So, they play good music.

What about our trip to San Francisco then?

I wanted to go shopping.

-But you made love to me. -No. First of all, you sucked my--

Whatever, Ray! Okay, I don't want to talk about this now.

The point is, Cindy, that I'm a new man

and I'm ready to leave all this behind and start a new life.

-So, you killed all your friends? -Oh, no. Just you.

And maybe Shorty, but that wasn't planned or anything.

But here's the genius part.

We're copycatting a serial killer that already exists.

It's the perfect crime, Cindy.

But wait! There's more!

Hang on to your seat, baby, 'cause this one's a screamer!

-I'll be back. -Uh-oh.

Move your big ass. Come on.

-[gasps] Dad! -[groans]

What are you gonna do, frame him?

Nah. We're just having a little bit of fun with old daddio.

[mumbling]

The police are gonna find you and Daddy both dead,

and me and Ray are the only survivors of a maniac's revenge.

-You ready? I'm ready. -You ready? I'm ready to do this.

-Let's do this. Let's do this shit. -[Bobby] All right, well, let's do this.

-Come on. Come on. All right. -All right.

-Come on! Come on! -Give it to me. No, no, no, no!

Wait, wait, wait, wait. [takes deep breath]

-All right, ready? You ready? -[Bobby] Wait, wait, wait.

-All right, let's do this. All right. -Ready.

-[Ray] Come on. Come on. -Ready. Ready.

[grunts] Come on, give it to me! Give it to me!

[screams] No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Just…

You remember what we talked about? To the side.

I know. man. How many times we gonna go over this? All right.

-I know, okay. Stop. Just-- All right. -All right. All right. I'm ready.

-Trust me, okay? I got this shit. Ready? -[breathes deeply, grunts]

-[grunts] -[screams] Wait!

Motherfucker, I'm about to cut your throat, boy!

Stop acting like a little girl. Come on. Come on!

-You're right, you're right. -Come on!

-You ready? -I'm ready. Yeah, come on!

[screams] You guys are psychos! You've seen one too many TV shows!

No! Watching television shows doesn't create psycho killers!

Canceling TV shows does!

The Wayans Bros. was a good show, man!

It was a good-ass show and we didn't even get a final episode!

Take it easy! I'm feelin' a little woozy here!

It's my turn. Give me the knife.

Fuck outta here. Ain't nobody stabbin' me.

[ominous music plays]

-[Cindy screams] -[groans]

-[killer] Surprise, Cindy! -[whimpers, screams]

[ominous music playing]

[grunts]

-[killer grunts] -[groans]

[groans]

-[screams] -[killer grunts]

[upbeat electronic music playing]

[killer grunts]

[grunts]

-[screams] -[killer growls]

[grunts]

[killer groans] All right, hold on a second.

Just give me a moment. Ah, one…

[killer grunts, groans]

-[bones crack] -Oh, yeah. That's it.

Ah, okay.

[Cindy grunts]

[Irish folk music playing]

[Irish folk music concludes]

[ominous music playing]

[killer grunts]

-[screams, mumbles] -Dad!

Are you okay?

I thought I told you not to have a party unless I was here.

But, Dad, you were here. You were in the closet.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Did you get some girlfriends' numbers for me?

-Dad, they're dead. -Ah, you know, I can't get a break.

-[sirens blaring] -What's that? Is that the cops?

Okay, okay, listen, honey. Help me up now.

Uh, uh, if the cops come, tell 'em I'm a plumber, okay?

You-- You had a leaky faucet and you called and they sent me over.

We don't know each other.

[sirens blaring]

No! No!

Dad, Dad, put your arms down.

What the hell's goin' on here?

[officer] Sheriff, it's a bloodbath in there.

-He was right here! I swear it! -Who was?

The killer! The guy that murdered all my friends!

And the sick bastard planted drugs all in the house there.

-All over the place. -Dad. Stop it.

All right, Cindy. I'm gonna have to take you down to the station.

I'm cool though, right?

-I'm okay? -Let's-- Let's go, Cindy.

Cindy. Call me.

Daddy'll get you out, honey.

Okay. Let's go over this again.

[grunts]

[grunts]

-You say it was an accident. -[Cindy] Yes.

He was on the road.

And you think he came back to get revenge?

-It has to be him, Sheriff. -[door banging]

Here, Sheriff. They wanted me to give this to you.

-That'll be all, Doofy. -Okay.

-I'm gonna go then. All right. -All right.

Bye, Cind.

I'm sorry, Cindy. It wasn't the man you guys killed.

His name was David Keegan.

Some fishermen found his body a few weeks later.

He's buried in Lakewood Cemetery.

That's impossible.

Then I don't know who it could be.

He's gotta be someone who was connected with all the victims,

someone who knew about the accident.

Someone who could move around without being noticed.

Oh, my God.

She used to baby-sit my brother Doofy. He had the biggest crush on her.

[gasps] It's me, Cind.

Night, Cind.

-Doofy! -Shithead?

-Have you seen Doofy? -[officer] No.

-Have you seen Doofy? -[officer 2] No, Sheriff.

Has anybody seen Doofy?

-Yeah. Just went out the back, Sheriff. -[sheriff] Doofy!

["Too Cool for School" playing]

♪ He walks alone Under the big city lights ♪

♪ He always knows Just when the time is right ♪

♪ He never shows what he's thinking He keeps it inside ♪

♪ Because he's too cool For school ♪

♪ He comes alive When the sun goes down ♪

♪ He gets it right You know he's always down ♪

♪ He's got one eye open And his ear to the ground ♪

♪ And he's too cool for school ♪

♪ He's an operator He's a real player ♪

♪ And if you mess with him You know you'll never win… ♪

No!

["Scary Movies (The Sequel)" playing]

[chuckles] Shit, son. Yo, what the deal?

Yo, if y'all watchin' this tape right now, that means I didn't make it.

Either I'm a prisoner, or worse, dead.

But either way it goes,

I'mma tell you all the rules to survive this situation.

Rule number one: You gotta be quick.

Rule number two: Don't fall down.

And rule number three: Whatever you do, never look back.

Y'all wish me luck.

Snatch and run, y'all!

-Come back here, you motherfucker! -[gunshots]

You son of a bitch!

♪ Y'all want drama? Wanna make a scary movie? ♪

♪ Rappers coming in with their team And carry toolies ♪

♪ You can jump right out of the screen And barely move me ♪

♪ We hard hitting Directing and starring in it ♪

♪ Y'all want drama? Wanna make a scary movie? ♪

♪ Rappers coming in with their team And carry toolies ♪

♪ You can jump right out of the screen And barely move me ♪

♪ We hard hitting Directing and starring in it ♪

♪ Bad ♪

-♪ The bad ♪ -♪ When the meets the bad ♪

-♪ Yo, take the evil of the evil ♪ -♪ The evil ♪

♪ Put 'em together ♪

♪ Two times ♪

♪ Slim Shady ♪

♪ Royce da 5'9" ♪

["I'm the Killer" playing]

♪ Na, na, na, na I'm gonna slash and gash ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na Cut another hole in your ass ♪

♪ Spill blood on the walls And play tennis with your balls ♪

♪ If the phone rings Don't answer the call ♪

♪ I'mma slit your throat Fuck you like a goat ♪

♪ Peel your foreskin off And make a winter coat ♪

♪ I'm a Denny's surprise I'll scoop out both of your eyes ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na Scrape the meat off your thighs ♪

♪ Leave your carcass for flies Cause everyone who meets up with me ♪

♪ In the end eventually dies I'm the last thing you see ♪

♪ I'll hang you from a tree Scare the shit out of you ♪

♪ Then watch you pee ♪

♪ I'm the bad ass killer There ain't nobody iller ♪

♪ You're ice-cold dead Because I'm the fucking chiller ♪

♪ I'm the bad ass killer There ain't nobody iller ♪

♪ You're ice-cold dead Because I'm the fucking chiller ♪

♪ I'm gonna slice and dice Cause murder's my vice ♪

♪ Stab you once, twice Maybe even thrice ♪

♪ Carve initials in your liver Make you quiver, deliver ♪

♪ Yeah, that'd be nice I'll dissect your heart ♪

♪ Rip your entrails apart Hack off your head ♪

♪ And that's just the start I put the scary, scary movie ♪

♪ Make people do a doobie Make them pee-pee up the place ♪

♪ When they see my ghostly face You better keep alert ♪

♪ Or you'll be sleepin' in the dirt I've got a PhD in how to use my cutlery ♪

♪ I make you kneel and squeal As I turn you to a beal ♪

♪ You'll be squirtin' in your shorts And you're squirtin' crimson quarts ♪

♪ I'll chop the virgin beaver With my shiny butcher's cleaver ♪

♪ Need your cries of fear It's music to my ears ♪

♪ I cut off Oscar Meyer's wiener I stick it in a bun ♪

♪ Slap on some pickle relish Ain't we having fun? ♪

♪ I'm the bad ass killer There ain't nobody iller ♪

♪ You're ice-cold dead Because I'm the fucking chiller ♪

♪ I'm the bad ass killer There ain't nobody iller ♪

♪ You're ice-cold dead Because I'm the fucking chiller ♪

♪ I'm gonna cleave your gut Treat you like a slut ♪

♪ Mutilate your organs And shove them up your butt, ha-ha! ♪

♪ I'll slit you ear to ear You know what? ♪

♪ Then I'll slam a beer Saw off your toes ♪

♪ Jam 'em in your nose Cut your tongue out ♪

♪ Feed it to a trout, fry 'em in a pan Shoot it out my can, aim at your face ♪

♪ Then you'll know your place I promise you pain, I'm totally insane ♪

♪ I promise you pain, I'm totally insane I promise you pain, I'm totally insane ♪

♪ Now let me tell ya once again ♪

♪ I'm the bad ass killer There ain't nobody iller ♪

♪ You're ice-cold dead Because I'm the fucking chiller ♪

♪ I'm the bad ass killer There ain't nobody iller ♪

♪ You're ice-cold dead Because I'm the fucking chiller ♪

♪ I promise you pain, I'm totally insane ♪

-♪ I promise you pain… ♪ -[man] Help!

-♪ I'm totally insane… ♪ -[man] Help!

♪ I promise you pain, I'm totally insane I promise you pain ♪

[Shorty] Run, bitch! Run!

[woman screams]

["The Inevitable Return of the Great White Dope" playing]

♪ Like my scrotum Here it is in a nutshell… ♪

[Shorty laughing]

♪ 1,972 ♪

♪ That's the year I got here When my dear mother's water blew ♪

♪ Not really realizing The prize that's been begot to her ♪

♪ The bona fide Lo-fi high-octane philosopher ♪

♪ Genius with a penis, The few, the proud, the me ♪

♪ I liked me so much I had to buy the company ♪

♪ Soul for sale, sold to Satan For a hell of a lot of luck ♪

♪ I'm hard to come by Like a straight guy working at Starbucks ♪

♪ Thank the thinkers that think They thunk the thoughts that theorized ♪

♪ Idolized or despised Bet I'm getting recognized ♪

♪ Mount Rushmore it? No, ignore it Can't rock with no big head ♪

♪ Half the people want me Half the people want me dead ♪

♪ I am the Angel of Def With my rhymes against humanity ♪

♪ Teeter-tottering Between brilliance and insanity ♪

♪ The one part the Führer The one part the Pope ♪

♪ It's the inevitable return, baby Of the Great White Dope ♪

♪ Conclusions you drew Proportions you blew ♪

♪ Lost son of Iggy, false, Bigger nose than Ziggy, true ♪

♪ Yes, my name is Jimmy Pop No, my pop's name is Dick ♪

♪ Don't admit to kick it slick You thick, derelict critic ♪

♪ Put down for missed notes Put up with misquotes ♪

♪ Don't want the whole story? Should have bought the Cliff Notes ♪

♪ Like Fingerpainting 101 Give me no credit for having class ♪

♪ One thumb on the pulse of the nation One thumb in your girlfriend's ass ♪

♪ Written on, written off Scoff callin' me a joke ♪

♪ I don't think that I'm a sell-out But I do enjoy Coke ♪

♪ I struck gold But never took it for granted ♪

♪ That's how I planned it, so can it Around the planet, fans demand it ♪

♪ And you'll never understand it When I die, no lie ♪

♪ Plan on mass pandemonium They may display my brain in ♪

♪ A pickle jar at the Smithsonian The one part the Führer ♪

♪ The one part the Pope It's the inevitable return, baby ♪

♪ Of the Great White Dope ♪

♪ One part the Führer, one part the Pope ♪

♪ The inevitable return Of the Great White Dope ♪

♪ One part the Führer, one part the Pope ♪

♪ The inevitable return Of the Great White Dope ♪

♪ One part the Führer, one part the Pope ♪

♪ The inevitable return Of the Great White Dope ♪

♪ One part the Führer, one part the Pope ♪

♪ The inevitable return Of the Great White Dope ♪

♪ Great White Dope, Great White Dope Great White Dope, Great White Dope ♪

♪ Great White Dope, Great White Dope Great White Dope, Great White Dope ♪

♪ Great White Dope ♪

["Feel Me" playing]

♪ Hey, yo, we run these streets In the great city ♪

♪ You come with us You're still pretty ♪

♪ Just so y'all can feel me Feel me, feel me, feel me ♪

♪ Are my thugs with me? ♪

♪ Make some noise If you're running with me ♪

♪ Go wild We gonna get busy ♪

♪ Just so y'all can feel me Feel me, feel me, feel me ♪

♪ Say one for the radio Two for the killer ♪

♪ Wrote the rhyme with Nigga's coming, tight, simmer ♪

♪ A key for the three Now suck a fuck with it ♪

♪ More taste on your ass Then them cops who gotta quit it ♪

♪ Making rappers noise Like it was tax season ♪

♪ Fella in the back getting paid To crack, beefin' ♪

♪ Tamzin, Gina, me in my tight jean ♪

♪ I'm on the track, make 'em shake Like somebody hold the feel up ♪

♪ I'm old money You barely got toll money ♪

♪ Vocal coach And still roll funny ♪

♪ Thug the fuck out Punchlines and killing ♪

♪ Say some other shit Really hurt a rapper feeling ♪

♪ Who know the outcome? Must be the wild ones ♪

♪ Selling it back So it didn't even make the album ♪

♪ Feel this bitch As I go for the three now ♪

♪ Fuck going to the gang Make the gang come to me now ♪

♪ Hey, yo, we run these streets In the great city ♪

♪ You come with us You're still pretty ♪

♪ Just so y’all can feel me Feel me, feel me, feel me ♪

♪ Are my thugs with me? ♪

♪ Make some noise If you're running with me ♪

♪ Go wild We gonna get busy ♪

♪ Just so y'all can feel me Feel me, feel me, feel me ♪

-♪ Yeah, feel me, fool ♪ -♪ I feel you, dawg ♪

This isn't easy for me.

I know we've been together a long time, but I found somebody else.

Okay? I'm in love.

Don't look at me like that!

[sniffs] We could still be friends.

You can come into my room whenever you want.

We just can't-- No.

No!

Okay, just one time.

[vacuum cleaner whirs]

Yeah. That's it!

Woo!

-[Doofy gasps] -[vacuum cleaner stops]