Original subtitles

During the night of June 17, 1972, burglars broke into the offices

of the Democratic National Committee

at the Watergate Office Complex in Washington, D.C.

The scandal became known as "Watergate"

and ultimately led to Nixon's resignation as president.

Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein broke the story

with their dogged investigation, but they couldn't have done it

without a source they called "Deep Throat,"

who anonymously leaked information to them in a D.C. garage,

as was immortalized by the film All the President's Men.

Great movie.

We've also learned that Deep Throat had a lot more to say

than Woodward and Bernstein let on.

- Where are you? - Stuck.

The story stalled on us.

- And you thought I'd help? - I'll never quote you.

I wouldn't quote you even as an anonymous source.

I mean, you’d be deep background.

You can trust me.

Go on.

Can you tell me what you know about Watergate?

- I've heard a few things. - I'm all ears.

You know Ferguson Investments?

They're on the fifth floor. They're going bankrupt.

Father and son fighting over the company.

- It's getting ugly. - And how does that relate to the break-in?

Well, you mentioned the building.

I thought you were talking about the Watergate building.

No, I don't care about the building. I'm talking about the Watergate scandal.

The Nixon re-election campaign

and the bugging of the DNC at the Watergate building.

Right.

I hear G. Gordon Liddy's involved. Tell me about Liddy.

Well, I know his daughter's getting her braces off next week.

And I hear they're gonna buy her a new bike.

She wore the braces, she gets the bike.

So?

So, I hear now she doesn't even want a bike.

She wants a pony.

Pretty expensive.

- Yeah, yeah, they're expensive, yeah. - I don't think it's gonna happen.

Are you trying to tell me that he's easily manipulated?

No, I'm just trying to tell you he doesn't want to buy her a pony.

What does this have to do with Watergate?

I don't care about Liddy's daughter and the pony.

Just-- I mean, you gotta give me something I can use.

I've heard the Haldemans are not doing well at all.

How so?

You know how his wife, Joanne, has that bad back?

- Yeah. - Well, she got a massage therapist.

And let's just say she's doing way better, if you catch my drift.

He's fucking her.

- So what? - So, I've seen the guy, he's like 5'4".

He's a shrimp.

- And? - Joanne has got like four inches on him.

- It's worse than a big age difference. - Of course, if the man's older, big whoop.

- If the woman's older, that's something. - This has nothing to do with Watergate.

I don't care about this information.

I thought you had... You told me you had information.

I just gave you information. You don't find that interesting?

I need something that can reveal some information

about what happened with Watergate and how it connects to President Nixon.

I'll tell you another thing about G. Gordon Liddy.

Okay.

The White House...

doesn't want anyone to know what the G stands for.

- What does it stand for? - Gordon.

The White House doesn't want people to know

that his name is Gordon Gordon Liddy?

Yeah, that doesn't sound right. Maybe it's Gus.

- Are you asking me or telling me? - George. Gary.

You're just spit-balling here?

- Gerry with a G. - You know what?

- This is a waste of my time. I'm done. - Wait a second. Hey, Woodward.

- What? - You owe me for the parking.

- No, I don't. - I gave you a lot of information.

Useless information.

All right, here's a few things you should know.

I'm listening.

There's a guy in town who calls himself the Lawn Doctor,

- but he's not a doctor. - Yeah, he's a gardener.

People think he's a real doctor, but he's not.

What, did you think that he was a real doctor

and you found out he wasn't and you're upset?

- He's charging 400 dollars a visit. - Well, how big is your lawn?

- That I can't tell you. - Why did you bring me here?

- I heard you had information. - Put the pieces together, Woodward.

Do you know how they're connected?

- Follow the money. - "Follow the money"?

What... What money? I don't understand what's happening.

Where's Bernstein?

He seems a little sharper than you, if you don't mind my saying.

No, no. This is bullshit. Give me something I can use.

Anything that has to do with the White House.

- Okay, but this is way off the record. - Of course.

There's a rumor that Pat Nixon

was caught shoplifting at Bendel's department store.

They found a shoe in her purse. One shoe. Think about that.

I am thinking about it. One shoe?

- She lost a shoe? - She took a shoe.

Why'd she take one shoe? She can't wear one shoe.

- Exactly. Are you ready for this? - No, I don't think so.

Gerald Ford went trick-or-treating with his grandchildren.

When he wasn't recognized, he told the kids to give the candy back.

- What-- - His grandkids aren't speaking to him.

What are you talking about?

I don't care. I don't care about the trick-or-treating.

I don't care about the ponies, the braces, the affairs.

I don't care about any of this. This is a waste of my time!

Do you have anything I can actually use?

Charles Colson wore flip-flops to a White House meeting.

Nixon didn't care, but Haldeman made a big stink about it.

- Okay, I think we're done here. - I... I've gotta get going too,

because I'm using a public dryer for my clothes,

and I'm afraid that maybe somebody took my clothes out.

Okay, yeah. Good luck with that.

So... Thanks for everything. I really appreciate--

Do you have any quarters in case I need to put it back in?

Hey, you don't seem well. Are you okay to get home?

You got a ride?

- I took the bus. - You took the bus?

You just asked for parking money.

You're trying to shake me down for parking money?

- That's for you to figure out. - Fuck this!

Fuck it! Do not call me! I'm done!

- Have Bernstein call me. - Do not call Bernstein! Leave me alone!

Weird guy.

On July 15, 1903, Henry Ford took his first order for the Model A,

an automobile made by his Ford Motor Company

in Detroit, Michigan.

By the end of the year, the plant had made 1,000 cars

and the automotive revolution had begun.

Ford wasn't just an inventor and an industrialist,

he was also a rabid antisemite.

He owned The Dearborn Independent and used it to publish articles

like "The International Jew."

What a guy.

Soon, there would be cars on every road in America.

Ford was on top of the world.

But as they say in the shtetl, fate has a funny way of kicking you

right in the tuchus.

- Yes? - Mr. Ford.

The Detroit civic leaders are here.

- Send them in, young Clifton. - Okay.

Esteemed gentlemen, please allow Mr. Ford to take you for a ride.

Gentlemen, the... Wow.

- Chief Mahoney. - Pleasure.

- Mr. Hudson. - Henry.

Who are you?

I am Rabbi Shmuel Ben-Yanklovitz, just elected to the city council.

Congratulations.

What a pleasure to be a part of such a historic occasion.

I'm tingling. I'm tingling. What do you call this?

We are calling this an automobile.

- "Automobile"? - Extraordinary.

- Yes. - Yes.

- It's the Model A. - Can we take a look?

Sure. Just don't touch, but you can take a look.

- Yes, yes. - Truly magnificent.

Mr. Ford. Mr. Ford, you have done--

This is an amazing accomplishment, Mr. Ford.

- Very impressive, Henry. - Beautiful.

It can go from zero to seven in one minute

and it harnesses the power of up to two horses.

- Whoa! - Impressive, Henry.

- What a magnificent... - Truly extraordinary.

- ...achievement, Mr. Ford. - Thank you very much.

- You know, back in Kraków... - Yes, yeah.

...there's a Hymie Fordberg. Any relation? Did you go from Fordberg to Ford?

- You shorten? - No. I did not shorten my name.

I think you shortened.

- There's no Fordberg. It's only Fo-- - Did you shorten?

- No, sir. - Well, let's go.

- Ah, yes! - Absolutely.

- Yes. - Yes, huzzah.

Sadly, it only seats two passengers plus myself, so...

But yet I see four seats.

But there is a weight limit here.

- A weight limit. - A weight limit, yes.

- Interesting. - There is.

What can you do? There's a weight limit. Yes.

What are you going to do?

So, somebody will be left out, it appears.

- Yes. So, we have to choose someone to... - But how are we to decide on which two?

I'll tell you how.

We're gonna do this the fair, honest, American way.

I'm thinking of a number between zero and ten.

Whoever's closest rides, whoever's not leaves.

- That seems fair to me. - Very fair.

That's very fair.

- I like it. I like it. - Thank you.

Mr. Hudson, why don't you kick us off, sir?

- Five. - Excellent. Chief?

I have three children. Lucky number three for me.

Excellent. And you, Rabbi?

I've been beaten for being a Jew seven times,

so I'm going to say seven.

I'm sorry. The number was four.

If only you had been beaten four times, you would be in the car

- as opposed to leaving now. - Tough break.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. These things...

How can I have missed that?

I want to thank you for coming out.

- Oh, yes, of course. - Yes.

- Really too bad for me, isn't it? - Yeah.

Chief Mahoney.

There's been a jailbreak in the Eighth Precinct.

Gentlemen, I'm sorry, we have a police emergency.

- No. No, no. - Thank you very much for your time.

- No, no, no, come back, come back. - Look, I'm sorry.

Looks like there's just two of us now, Mr. Ford.

- Mr. Ford. - All right, get in.

Oy Gottenyu!

- Look at this. - Calm down, please.

- Hello! Shalom! Shalom! - No. Don't talk to them.

- They're on their way. - This is something!

- Thank you. Thank you. - This is really something.

I never saw a gentile so smart. How you get so smart?

- How you get so smart, huh? - Good genes, I guess.

- What we have here? This is... - It's my glove compartment.

A glove compartment. You have a little compartment for...

for gloves and mints and maybe... a swastika?

A swastika is an ancient Indian symbol of strength and nothing more, sir.

I think you have swastika!

- I don't have a swastika! - He has a swastika!

Hymie!

- Shmuel! - Moishe, Feivel! Stop it.

- Stop the car! Stop the car! - I am not stopping for them.

Stay away! Stay away! Stay away! Whoa, whoa! Whoa!

- Shmuel! - Someone please help Mr. Ford!

What a crash, that machine!

- Oh, no! - Henry Ford is hurt!

Oh, no!

Mr. Ford?

For a second, we thought we lost you.

- What happened? - Your new horseless carriage hit a tree,

and you were thrown into a glass window and suffered many lacerations.

You lost a lot of blood

and we were worried we were going to lose you.

Fortunately, we found a nearby donor with your exact blood type.

His blood is coursing through your veins right now.

And who is this saintly man?

Hava nagila Hava nagila

Hava nagila

It was a mitzvah!

- No! - My blood brother!

No, how could this happen? And why is it so drafty in here?

It is a bissel chilly.

- It is a bissel chilly. - It's a bissel chilly.

And I... I need food. I need a nosh, or I'm gonna plotz.

We're plotzing here.

- Yes, we're plotzing. - We're plotzing.

Nurse, can we get some dry toast for Mr. Ford?

No. Dry toast? I want a bagel with some schmear.

Maybe some schmaltz herring?

Yeah, yeah. Some schmaltz herring, but not too salty.

Why am I talking like this?

In 1857, James Buchanan became the nation's 15th president.

He was, and still remains, the only president who never married.

When he assumed office, he found himself in the middle of a growing crisis

between the northern and southern states. The issue, of course, was slavery.

Buchanan refused to take a firm stand on either side of the debate,

and historians blame his passivity

as a major factor leading to the Civil War.

But it's not that he was indecisive.

It's that he was, let's say, distracted.

Even with the fate of the Union in the balance,

there were other unions on his mind.

There they are.

This is something.

This is something. Look at this. Great job, Appleton.

This is fantastic. I can't believe all these women are here.

- This is unbelievable. - Thank you, sir.

- Holy mackerel. - I do have one question for you.

What time is dinner?

No, no, no, no. There's no di-- There's no dinner. It's passed apps.

- "Passed apps"? - "Passed apps"?

Yeah, I got the idea from Henry Clay.

He didn't like getting stuck sitting next to someone at a table,

so he came up with the idea of passed apps.

Server walks around with the tray, and they'll eat standing up.

Mr. President, it's dinner time.

I think people might be upset if there's no dinner.

No, they're going to love it because you're not sitting at a table

stuck next to someone you don't want to talk to.

So, Mr. President, I do have one important thing to--

Wait a second. Hold your horses, Appleton.

Perhaps, she'd like a word with the 15th president.

I-- Mr. President, I'm sorry.

- I don't understand. When's dinner? - "Passed apps"?

Greetings, Mr. President.

- Mr. President. - Good evening.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

- Good evening. - Good evening, Mr. President.

Where is she? I don't see her. What happened to her?

As we discussed, Jefferson Davis is in attendance tonight.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Da-- Yeah. - Talk of secession is heating up.

It would be great if you could find some time to speak with him.

- Yeah, yeah. - So, just please remember that.

- It's important. - Oh, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo.

Bo, bo, bo.

You're not gonna forget to speak to Jefferson Davis--

- Good evening. - Mr. President.

You know what I love about suspenders? Putting them on.

'Cause at first, they're dangling. You know, they're down here.

And then you go like this, one arm in, the other arm in...

and then this move with the shoulders.

- Okay, yeah. - It's fun,

and then all day long you're walking around like this.

- Stately. Yes. - You know, you-- Yeah.

- How do you do? How are you? - Mr. President.

Yeah, hello.

- Hello. - Hello. You see? Yeah.

The suspenders.

- Beautiful green dress. Yeah. - Thank you, thank you.

What else is green? Grass, grass is green. Money.

Are we just gonna name green things?

- Pickles are green. - You are. Okay.

- There's gotta be more. Has to be. - I think there is more, but we're good.

- Have you ever had a persimmon? - No.

Interesting fruit. Sounds like it was named after someone.

Like there was a guy named "Persimmon."

- You know? - I'm all out.

- I'm gonna hit the bar. - Jack Persimmon.

Right? Maybe it was a man goes by Edgar... Edgar Persimmon.

Steven Persimmon.

Well, what is a beautiful young woman like yourself

doing at a soiree like this unaccompanied?

- I'm working. - Thank you.

I'm James Buchanan.

President of the United States.

- Canapé? - What is your favorite pit?

- Pit? - Fruit pit. Mine's a cherry.

- Wonderful. They're just fun to spit out.

You chew the cherry.

What about seeds? Where do you stand on seeds?

- I don't have a stance on seeds. - Watermelon seeds.

They're slippery little things. I have a trick to picking them up.

I just snap them with my hand like I'm killing a fly.

They stick right on your palm. And then I eat them.

I don't think that you are supposed to swallow the seeds.

That's an old wives' tale.

You know, speaking of old wives' tales, I wouldn't mind making you an old wife.

Excuse me?

- No good? - I'm going to get back to work.

Oh, really? Oh, really?

You know, I don't have a first lady,

but you're the first lady I've seen tonight.

We've met.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- The green, green, green, green! - Yeah.

Okay, the kiwi, brown and green.

- We're done. - Two ways. It's a two-way fruit.

Two-- It's a--

Hello. You know how to say that in Morse code?

Dot, dot, dot, dot... dot. Dash, dash, dash, dash, dash, dash.

- Dot, dot, dot-- - Me again.

Dash, dash... dash, dash, dash, dash.

- Hello. - Hello. Mr. President.

Have you ever had a mango?

Delicious. Very juicy.

You need a towel to eat one of those things.

They drip right down your face.

- That's fascinating. - It's got a big pit.

You like a big pit?

- She doesn't like you. - I stepped on her foot earlier.

Completely accidental. Mostly her fault, I have to say.

- Wow. - But I think she has palsy.

- What? - She's got what?

Palsy. She's got palsy. Has no control of her motor skills.

I don't even know how she's walking around.

- Are you serious? She looks fine to me. - Anyway, what color's that dress?

- It's russet. - Russet?

- Can't think of any russets. - Okay, good.

I'm gonna go find something to eat.

Russet potato.

I mean, I just... I don't get it.

I'm striking out all over the place. I'm talking about fruit.

I got into some fruit discussions, mangoes and papayas.

I'm talking about pits and seeds.

- Pits! - You were talking about pits?

Pits, yeah, pits.

Big pits, little pits, peach pits, plum pits.

I find that stuff very interesting.

- Apparently, they don't. - They're not pit-curious.

They're not pit-curious. It's driving me crazy.

Maybe engage them in a non-fruit-related topic.

I did that too. I asked one who her dentist was.

She had terrible teeth. It was a stupid question.

She was embarrassed.

I never should have asked her. I do need a dentist, though.

Sir, is now a good time to speak to Jefferson Davis?

This is why I got into politics in the first place, to meet women.

Sir, we need you to preserve the Union.

Talking to the South is of the utmost importance.

"Utmost importance"?

- Yes. - That's it.

- That's it. That's it. This is great. - Thank you.

- I got an idea. - All right.

You see that woman in the red dress? She's killing me, this one.

Here's how I can impress her.

I'm gonna go talk to her. Now, you come up to me and say,

"Sir, there's a document you have to sign."

"The fate of the Union hangs in the balance."

- But it actually does. - Say that again, yeah.

The fate of the Union hangs in the balance.

- Perfect. - But, no...

Mr. President.

- Hello. - Hello.

You know, I have a sixth sense.

I'm a bit of a mentalist, where I can guess a person's name

without knowing anything about them.

- Really? - Think of your name. Think of it.

- Scream it in your head. - Screaming--

- Are you screaming? - I'm screaming it.

Okay. I'm getting... Open your eyes... Janet.

- No, it's not Janet. - Gertrude?

No, not even close, honestly.

- Corrine? - Closer. I just--

- Again, I don't-- - Clarissa?

No, I don't think you have a gift for this.

- I just don't. - Mr. President, Mr. President.

I have a very important document for you to sign.

The fate of the Union hangs in the balance.

Now, Appleton? I'm talking to this beautiful woman...

- Treiman. - My name is not Treiman.

It's a pleasure, Ms. Treiman.

It-- That's not my name. It's not even a name. That--

- What is it about? - Well, we are...

- We're going to war with Italy. - Why are we going to war with Italy?

Tomato issue.

- They're hoarding tomatoes. - It's not a big issue, Ms. Treiman.

- Well, he doesn't... - Again, my name is not Treiman.

You don't know, Appleton, what's really going on.

But are we going to war over tomatoes?

- And bell peppers. - What is happening with bell peppers?

Well, they're hoarding the peppers as well.

- Do we need these so badly? - Yes, yes, we do, we do.

And you know, tomatoes, they're not a vegetable.

- They're a fruit. And... - Y-- Sure.

And they're red.

- What else is red? - Wait.

Please don't make us go to war over tomatoes.

- It's not that big a deal, Ms. Treiman. - It's not Treiman!

Okay, that was great.

The next one, we find out the name beforehand,

and then I come up and guess it. I'll blow their fucking minds.

Sir, I must insist you speak to Jefferson Davis.

Okay, let's do it. I'll do it. Let's go.

They just keep walking around with these trays.

- I don't understand. - "Passed apps"?

- I mean, I can't even imagine-- - If you gentlemen will excuse us.

- Mr. President. - Senator Davis...

I have a few ideas about Kansas I think that can make everybody happy.

They've just been passing out hors d'oeuvres the whole time.

When is dinner?

- Yeah, no. There's no dinner. - There's no dinner? Wh--

- No, yeah. - Are you serious?

Yeah, yeah. It's something called passed apps.

Like, ri--

That's what I mean. It's just these bullshit trays.

I stepped on her toe before. I think there's something wrong with her.

I don't give a fuck about you stepping on her toe.

I am starving right now.

I had a sandwich that's the size a baby would eat.

I had crackers with bullshit on top of it.

All right.

I'm almost certain I had a pig's dick wrapped in bacon.

Well, this is a new thing, okay? It's called passed hors d'oeuvres.

They go around, and you just eat it standing up.

No, hors d'oeuvres are not dinner.

They're a precursor to dinner. They're not in lieu of dinner.

If you eat enough, it's in lieu.

- If I eat enough of it? - It's lieu. It's in lieu.

I happen to like salad with my dinner.

- No, salad doesn't-- - Will there be salad?

It doesn't work here. You gotta eat it with a fork standing up.

- No, that doesn't work. - Okay.

Can I expect any bread and butter at the bare minimum?

You know, I like bread and butter as much as the next guy.

Especially if you warm the bread.

- Of course warm the bread. - And the butter melts.

- Of course. - Come on, it's great.

You put the butter on top of it...

- Oh, my God! - ...and it melts into the bread.

- It's orgasmic. - Yes, where is that bread and butter?

- Doesn't work for this. - It just doesn't work.

Maybe it's not exactly the same as a meal.

I'll give you that. But it's got its advantages.

If it's a dinner, people linger at the table.

They stay too long. We don't like the lingering.

Well, maybe not in the North. In the South, we love the lingering.

We actually prefer a languid end to the meal.

It's part of the process.

Well, in the North, we don't enjoy a languid end to the meal.

We want to eat and go home, and put on our pajamas and pick up a book

- and relax. - Well--

We don't want to sit at a table making a lot of chit-chat bullshit every--

It's like a family!

Those are the last people I want to be talking to.

That's who I want to surround myself with.

- Oh, yeah? Well, when-- - Cousins and second cousins.

I don't want to connect with anybody. I want to finish dessert and go home.

- I'll tell you something else. - Yeah?

I couldn't imagine living in a country where half the population...

doesn't linger after a meal.

And I couldn't imagine living in a lingering country.

The southern states are meeting in three days.

- Good evening. - Oh, yeah.

Go. Go and secede.

- I will go and secede. - Secede.

- We might secede. - You're-- We're so scared.

- You should be. Get away from me! - You're gonna secede.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. This, this, this is a meal. Dinner!

Don't you dare tell me that's dinner when clearly it's not dinner.

- This is dinner! - That's bullshit!

How rude!

Mr. President.

In the late 19th and early 20th centuries,

polio was one of the most feared diseases in the world,

with outbreaks routinely killing thousands and crippling many more,

including President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

But in the early 1950s, a U.S. physician named Jonas Salk created

the first successful polio vaccine.

It was a game changer.

In the years that followed, Dr. Albert Sabin

created an oral vaccine that was cheaper to produce

and easier to administer.

And by 1979, polio had been eliminated from the United States,

thanks to widespread vaccination.

Let me repeat that. Thanks to widespread vaccinations.

Due to his pioneering work, Jonas Salk saved countless lives

across the globe, and made his mother very proud.

Very, very proud.

- Hello, Evelyn. - Good afternoon, Dora. How are you?

Quite well, quite well. Evelyn. I don't know if I happened to mention...

- Here we go. - ...that my son Jonas

is appearing in front of Congress next week.

Yes, you've mentioned that before, several times.

And do you know why he's appearing in front of Congress?

- Yes. - Because he discovered the cure for polio!

- Yes, he did, Dora. - My Jonas discovered the cure for polio.

- He did. - He's so brilliant.

- Very smart. - Jonas...

Jonas, come down and tell Evelyn how you discovered the cure for polio.

I don't have the time right now, Mom. I'm pretty busy.

- I got a lot of work to do. - Of course.

- Okay, but, hello, Evelyn. How are you? - Jonas, it's such a pleasure to see you.

- Lovely to see you too. You look well. - Thank you, Jonas.

Okay, I just have a lot of work to do.

- I understand. - So, forgive me, okay?

- All right. - Thank you.

- Keep up the good work. - Jonas, work on cancer.

It's killing people. He'll do it. He'll do it.

- The cure for cancer. - Maybe.

- Maybe cancer. - Maybe.

- You know what? - Yeah?

I knew from the time he was a little boy...

Did you?

...that he was destined for greatness.

We gave him a chemistry set. And, of course, he started a fire.

I didn't hear the end of it from Daniel.

- He was furious. Furious. - That's so funny.

He said, "I don't know what I'm gonna do with this boy."

Well, yeah.

And I said, "Daniel, you wait 'cause, one day,

that boy is going to make you very proud."

A mother knows.

And if they don't give him the Nobel Prize this year,

I'm going to Sweden and I'm going to wring their necks.

- Are you? - Wring their necks till I choke them dead.

- I'll choke them dead. - All right, Dora. Seriously, let it be.

Do you know that Jonas hasn't made a nickel from this vaccine?

He didn't get a patent for it.

- He just wants to serve mankind. - He's a very good boy.

I was wondering why he was still living here,

- but I understand now. - We have lovely children. It's a blessing.

- It's a blessing. Yes, I know. I know. - It is! It is a blessing.

- How is Timothy doing? - Well, thank you for asking, Dora.

- Of course. - I know that wasn't easy.

He-- Very well. He's--

- He's with the suits and the ties? - At Robert Hall.

He just got promoted,

and he is the youngest manager in the history of the company.

He's what?

The youngest manager in the history of the company.

- Yeah. - Hey, Jonas.

- Jonas! - Yeah, Ma?

- Timothy... - Yeah.

He's the manager at Robert Hall. He could get you a new suit for Congress.

- That's a terrific idea. - Right?

And, Jonas, he's the youngest manager in the history of the company.

The what?

The youngest manager in the history of the company.

That's wonderful. That's great.

Let him get you a new suit for Congress, Jonas.

I got suits, Ma. I got plenty of suits.

Jonas, how many times do you go before Congress?

I don't need a suit. That's very nice, though.

- Thank you, Ma. - It's from Robert Hall.

Custom tailor on premises!

I'll think about it. Can I think about it?

- You'll think about it. - Okay.

- You're not going to think about it. - I'm going to think about it, Ma.

- No, you're not gonna think about it. - I have plenty of suits.

- I know you. - Jesus.

- You're not gonna think-- - He's busy.

They don't want to hear from their mother.

He doesn't care about clothing. He only cares about humanity.

- Right. - He's healing the world, my boy.

My Jonas. Jonas!

- Yes, Ma? - You're healing the world!

- I'm doing my best, Ma. - You came from here, from me!

- I did it! - Okay.

You're doing wonderfully. Wonderfully.

- He's a lovely, lovely boy, Dora. - And so is your Timothy.

I wonder why they never became friends.

- Well, Timothy was sporty. - Sporty?

He was going to be a pitcher for the Yankees,

but he decided that he wants a simple life.

He wants to be in Robert Hall.

Yes.

Is he still dating that heavy set girl with the, you know, the meeskite I saw

- a few weeks ago in front of the house? - She's a lovely girl, Dora.

- A lovely girl. - That's nice.

You know, I just read Albert Sabin is coming out with an oral polio vaccine.

I spit on Sabin. Don't ever mention his name to me again.

"Oral vaccine"?

That boy up there, was in a laboratory till two o'clock...

- Okay. - ...every morning, seven days a week!

That Sabin's a fraud.

- He's a charlatan. - Okay.

You mention his name to me again, it'll be curtains for you.

- Yeah. - Curtains, Evelyn.

- There can be more than one! - No, there's just one. And that's him.

That's the one!

That vaccine's going to kill people. It's going to give them heart attacks.

Drop dead, Bobby. You should die a dog's death.

- I heard it shrivels up your jewels! - Oh, please, give me a break, okay?

You don't know anything about science.

- I know more than you do. - You're not a doctor.

If I was in charge, I'd make sure that no kids took that vaccine.

- That goes for measles too. - If you were in charge?

- That's right. - God, help us all.

If some idiot, some moron ever put you in charge,

that would be a dark day for humanity, I can tell you that.

- Ma! Ma. Ma. Ma. Relax, relax. - That would be--

You don't need to talk to him. He doesn't know what he's talk--

You don't know what you're talking about, Bobby.

I dunno what I'm talking about?

You guys are crazy over there with your vaccines.

- Yeah, you're right, we're crazy, Bobby. - Yeah, that's right.

- We're completely out of our minds. - Yes, we're crazy.

Thanks to you, everybody's gotta take vaccines.

It's like Nazi Germany, Adolf.

- Adolf? How dare you call my boy Adolf! - Excuse me?

- He's Adolf! - How are we like Nazi Germany?

How dare you compare my son to that monster?

- Jonas is saving lives, Bobby! - Hello?

It's okay.

Instead of wasting your time on vaccines...

Excuse me?

- Is this 437B, 69th Street? - ...take the chemicals out of the water!

This is 439. I think you're looking for next door.

And by the way, fluoride causes gender confusion.

- I'm smart enough to drink... - Oh, yeah. Thank you, guys.

...unpasteurized milk every day.

Drink the milk right from the cow, take it from the tit. Everybody knows it.

- Does everybody know that, Bob? - Everybody knows that.

And by the way, the Spanish flu, it's a bioweapon, except it's designed,

not to touch Ashkenazi Jews and Chinese people.

And the government doesn't want you to know about that.

Yeah, that's him.

Yes, I cut the head off a whale with a chainsaw,

but I put the head up on my wall, so I made use of it.

- Hey, what are you doing? I'm not crazy. - Okay, Bobby, let's go.

- Lock him up. - What are you doing?

- Hey! - He's got worms in his brain!

And he's got a dead bear in his trunk!

- I'm going to eat that bear! - He's a sicko!

- I'm going to eat that bear. - Okay. Let's take a walk.

What?

Maybe when you're done with him, you can come back for her.

This Jonas! He's so funny. He's funnier than all those comedians.

- What? - Henny Youngman and Milton Berle.

He could have been a comedian, but he chose science.

He chose science because he's a Jonas!

He's a Jonas! He's my Jonas!