All language subtitles for Still.Standing.S01E10_English

Teeswater is flying into
the 19th century with gusto.

(Laughs)

We got something for him!
-

Holy (beep).

I don't know sir if you're
dressed as a woman

or if you are a Viking.

This is so wrong.

(Laughs)

Usually the farthest I'll
go on a first date

is like under the shirt,
over the bra.

(Laughs)

When you grow up in a
small town in Newfoundland

you see the people have a
sense of humour

about hard times.

Check Check.

I turned that into a
career and hit the road.

MC: Mr. Jonny Harris!

Now I'm on a mission to
find the funny in the places

you'd least expect it:

Canada's struggling small towns.

Towns that are against the ropes

but hanging in there.

Still laughing in the
face of adversity.

Welcome to Teeswater!

♪

It seemed like the
quintessential Ontario town,

situated here
between Lake Huron

and well a whole
lot of farmland.

Here we are in
Teeswater Ontario!

(applause)

Let me tell
you something,

nothing says to people,
"welcome," more than

some orange pylons and a
road closed sign.

(Laughs)

(applause)

♪

There was a,
ah...

quirkiness to the place
right from the start.

This is Teeswater.

♪

This is Teeswater.
- Teeswater.

Teeswater.
- This is it.

Maybe our name comes from
some of the women around

town I'm not sure.

(Laughs)
I can't say.

They know who they are.

(Laughs)

Alright the main drag,
downtown Teeswater.

♪

I wouldn't call
it bustling.

When the train stopped
coming this town lost

its agricultural base and
businesses followed.

And that was it,
that was the downtown.

My hope was they hadn't
lost their sense of humour.

I love the name Teeswater,
it's - you know,

it's sort of playful.

It's definitely better
than the old town name, right,

which was Wingham 20 km.

(Laughs)

I got to have a lovely
chat with Mark Law right here.

(applause)

He's a wealth
of information.

He's the town journalist.

Does Teeswater really
need a journalist?

Could you not just open
your window and

sort of yell, "Fred won the
bingo last night"?

He knows every
detail of every place,

person, event
in Teeswater.

This town's a big hub for
the farming community.

We're at the end
of the railway.

The railway of
course went away.

Every time we'd stop at
a new building,

Mark'd be like,
well now,

the story with this
building is...

A young lady bought it after
it had been condemned,

didn't know
what to do with it,

ended up putting a hobby
horse in the window.

Is she single?

♪

This town's been
around a long time.

A three hour tour to
learn downtown Teeswater.

I've taken in Old Montreal
in less time than that.

(Laughs)

Here is Teeswater United
one of the

original churches in town.

I'm just thinking oh my God,
don't start in the 1800's

don't start in the 1800's.

We have elevator systems
and we also have

wireless internet.

Are you serious?

It's got a 32 stop organ,
it's got wireless internet.

Now I think it's a bit
weird that the best place

in town to surf for
naughty websites

is the United Church.

(Laughs)

Maybe that's what keeps
the people united.

(Laughs)

And maybe that's why the
organ has to be so loud.

(Laughs)

♪

The sense of community
started to disappear.

Mark explained to me that
commercial progress

in other towns took a
piece out of this one.

Also people were driving
to big box stores in the cities.

People were shopping
less in the town.

We're getting it back but
slowly in different ways.

I wanted see what
kind of person was

still making a go of it
on main street.

I went to visit
Ralph the barber.

Everybody in town thinks Ralph
is funny especially Ralph.

(Laughs)

What do you got in here?
- That's my pet mongoose.

You got a pet mongoose?
- My mongoose, yeah.

Harry's his name.
There's his paw.

Come on, they're quick.
There, he moved there.

Oh, yeah?
- They're really quite -

Oh jeez!
(Laughs)

(Laughs)

Everybody likes to have a laugh.

Everybody should have a
good laugh every day and I do.

I make damn sure I do.

How long have you been
in business here Ralph?

41 years.

Is that right?
- Yep

Oh,
there we go.

I'm not getting a
tooth pulled am I?

(Laughs)

It's been a long time
since I've done this.

Are you serious?

Don't tell me that
Ralph, my god.

I was like you know Ralph
anybody's that's going to laugh

at your jokes when
you got a straight razor

to their throat right.

(Laughs)

Let me see your
mongoose trick again.

Yeah I loved it,
I loved that.

(Laughs, applause)

I thought I was the one
supposed to be making the jokes

but it seems
everyone around here

has a dry sense of humour.

Teeswater concrete,
we dry hard.

Jaime Armstrong, we went
to pay him a visit,

what an operation
he's got going.

Three concrete yards.

A fleet of trucks.

We employ 40 people,
full and part time

and some students.

Mostly people
from Teeswater?

From the area,
yeah.

Hires all kind of
people from the area.

Pillar of the community,
yada yada yada.

He got a working
steam shovel!

(Laughs)

♪

Want to give it a try?

I'd love to give it a try.

I don't have to
dress like that do I?

No no you're good.
- Okay good.

And what I love is that
instead of having all this

stuff behind a
velvet rope at a museum,

he uses them to move
a massive pile of dirt

from one side of
his yard to the other one.

(Laughs)

Just jump up here.

Mike Mulligan eat
your heart out.

♪

It's blasting steam
out the front.

It's blasting
steam out the rear.

It's like burping and
farting at the same time.

(Laughs)

Oh,
oh, jeez.

Well now we're in trouble.
- I broke it!

(Laughs)

Here's a man he's playing
in the world's

largest sandbox folks.

(Laughs)

(applause)

Oh,
(beep)!

(Beep)!
- Farmer: Are you alright?

There comes my breakfast.

♪

The Four H kids were
kind enough to ask me out.

Cheese!

And then one of the kids
was explaining it to me.

It was like head,
hearts, hands...

I started getting nervous.

I thought these people
were harvesting organs.

(Laughs)

It's apparent to me that
you know kids who grow up

on farms you know they got to
start pitching in

right away and I never
had to do anything like that

when I was a kid.

I was more of
a three H kid.

I played a lot of
hungry, hungry hippo.

(Laughs)

So I took out the phone
book and of course

it being Teeswater, I flipped
open to the yellow page.

(Laughs)

And I found
the goat farm.

Turned out goat farming is
relatively new to these parts,

and one of things
keeping the region afloat.

I met the whole Van
Der Vlies family.

Four lovely kids
in the house.

And many more
kids in the barn.

And I thought there was
going to be maybe

ten or twenty goats.

I go in, there's hundreds,
hundreds and hundreds

of goats,
all in this square.

It was like the times
square of goats.

(Laughs)

And It smelled even
worse than times square.

(Laughs)

I think there's an air
freshener in the car

I might shove up my nose.

We have lots of work to do so

if you don't mind
giving us a hand.

I'm a hard worker for
upwards of half an hour

maybe even forty minutes.

There's only ten percent
of the male goats

who get chosen to... live.

But those guys get to
spend the rest of their lives

eating as much food
as they want and just

impregnating mate
after mate after mate.

Having all the sex they
could possibly want.

Let the fun begin.

Oh help yourself
buddy, make me proud.

There you go.

I think I would take my
odds on those chances.

(Laughs)

Look he's putting
on a show.

Yeah he is. He is.
- I know, he does.

That's the same way I
court yeah yeah,

I sort of do my bit and
then hopefully.

But then she got me to
hand milk one of the goats,

now that's something I've
never done in my life and

I felt a
little bit awkward,

it's kind of an intimate thing
you know get in between

the legs and really...

(Laughs)

This is so wrong.

...get your hands
on the teat.

(Laughs)

Be gentle remember when
you're touching the udder.

It's the first time
I met the goat.

(Laughs)

Yeah yeah,
the milk is coming.

(Laughs)

Usually the farthest I'll
go on a first date is

under the shirt,
over the bra.

(Laughs)

No you don't shake it out.
- Don't shake it.

You have to squeeze it out,
don't shake it.

I'm a guy,
so you're supposed to.

I know that's
why I'm telling you.

Now I will say that I did
give Onya twenty dollars

to go towards a bag of
feed so you could say

I bought the goat dinner
before I -

(Laughs)

How do I know when I'm done?

Well when there's
no more coming.

If there's still some
coming then it's not done.

Onya choose your words.

(Laughs)

And when the goats get
pregnant, somebody comes

along and gives
them an ultrasound.

Right there in the barn.

Be careful there's
babies in there.

Oh my god.
I'm sorry.

That's better medical
attention than most of us

are getting.

And these goats don't
even have a health card.

(Laughs)

♪

By then I was
feeling ready to get

my hands dirty for real.

I went and visited
Doug Ireland.

He's one of the biggest
suppliers of used tractor

and combine parts
in all of Ontario,

maybe even the country.

Are you going to
give me a hand here?

I figured I'd go help him
take an engine out of a

tractor because you know
I'm sort of mechanical.

I used to take the old
tickle pump and sludge shaft

out of my old
Honda all the time.

(Laughs)

You can undo that top
rad hose that's there.

What? Huh?
- Right here.

But Doug starts riding me.
He's a man of business right?

A man of action.

He felt like I wasn't
working fast enough.

How you getting
along there?

It looks like
you're struggling.

It would be
better if I had

like a longer wrench
or an assistant.

He was trying to give me
a hard time just because

I spilled brake fluid all over
the floor of his garage.

(Laughs)

Oh oh a little
bit more fluid.

That's a mess.

And coolant and
dirty motor oil.

(Laughs)

And the clean motor oil that's
supposed to go in afterwards.

(Laughs)

So then he sends me out on
this wild goose chase

out in his massive
tractor graveyard.

♪

I was out there
stumbling around rusty parts.

I didn't know what I need.

You know the only thing I
think I need is a tetanus shot.

(Laughs)

By the time I came back,
he'd replaced me.

You get rid of
me that fast!

So then I realized with Doug I
gotta push back.

If I'm gonna keep
some pride here. I gotta-

I gotta give him
a few so I said,

you got so much garbage out
there, I don't know

if you belong on
this show or hoarders.

(Laughs)

And you know what he said?

He didn't say anything.

(Laughs)

He chained me up
on his engine lift.

(Laughs)

(applause)

♪

I went back into town
to find out about the

future of Teeswater -
and the future stinks,

but in the good way!

The biggest thing going
on in Teeswater right now

is the new sewer system,
is that right?

Teeswater is flying into
the 19th century with gusto.

(Laughs)

It sort of begs the question if
you're only now getting the

sewage system,
for the last fifty years

where have you
been taking a poop?

(Laughs)

And I think I know,
right?

The Dairy Queen in Goderich,
right?

(Laughs)

♪

I went and visited
mayor Bill Goetz.

The man was a good
sport actually.

(applause)

What does somebody from
Teeswater call themselves?

If someone from Newfoundland
is a Newfoundlander

what's somebody from Teeswater?

That's a good question.

I heard the mayor
is an older gentleman.

Of course we know cause
we had him carbon dated.

(Laughs)

But his sense of humour
was a bit of a clue too.

Maybe I can
try one on you.

Alright.

Why did the chicken
cross the road?

Why?
- To get to the other side.

Did you make that joke up?

Oh no that's an old one.

Mayor Goetz, we're not
sure exactly how old you are

but we know it's
somewhere between Larry King

and a brontosaurus.

(Laughs)

He's experienced.

Experienced, that's a
better way of putting it yeah.

He's still got a healthy
head of hair on him too.

Sure,
yeah.

Sharon, Sharon
Chambers was nice enough to,

to show us around.

My job is chief
administrative officer

or CAO.

We are trying
to reach people

maybe from Toronto
or some bigger cities

to say why would
you come to Teeswater?

Why would you
land in Teeswater?

So what did you
come up with?

Well we think that we
are a tractor town.

Tractor town.
- Tractor town.

We think that that's a theme
we can really build off of.

Maybe every city person
thinks oh yeah if I could

just get out to the
country and have a farm

and get up with
the sun and.

Exactly.

That's a really sort
of exotic lifestyle.

Get the dung
on their boots and

be able to drive a tractor.

That's what we're thinking
about as tractor town is

bringing that
experience here.

Did you get a chance to
see the square dancing tractors?

The Farmall square
dancing tractors.

♪

I'd been hearing about it
since I first got here.

♪

Jonny.
- Doug.

How are ya?
- Good man good to see ya again.

So square
dancing tractors?

I'm not even sure
where to begin.

And they're doing all
these called dances in

the tractors
which was amazing.

The idea goes way back
to the 1950's when some of

these tractors were made
and they promoted the

tractors by square dancing
with them at shows like

the CNE and country fairs
and things like that.

The way they do
it they've got a larger

tractor which are the
male tractors and then the

smaller tractors which
are female tractors.

Why are some of you
dressed like women?

We have twelve
guys in the group.

We had to get six guys
that were girls and

six guys that were boys right?

So the male tractors dance
with the female tractors

which is good
you know cause

otherwise it would be weird.

(Laughs)

I don't know sir if
you're dressed as a woman

or if you are a Viking.

Man in green wig:
You want her number?

(Laughs)

Now these handles
are very important.

Hold onto the handles.
- Hold on tight yep.

Before the guys let me
drive a tractor myself,

I have to go through the
classic rookie initiation.

Is there an eject button
on one of these things?

(Laughs)

Good lucky,
Jonny.

Is there a strap
or anything?

You don't need a strap
on there, just hang on.

Alright, tell my mom
I died doing something stupid.

(Beep)!

Woohoo!
Oh, (beep)!

(Beep)!

Are you alright?
Are you alright?

I think they just
wanted to see me puke.

Are you still
back there buddy?

Here comes my breakfast!

Oh my god.

I need to try and focus
on one horizon point.

Feels good to be
on the ground again?

First time. There we go.
It's on the ground.

I was sure glad to see
these were guys having fun,

but I was pretty
sure as usual in this town

they were not laughing
"with" me, especially Doug.

(Laughs)

And then the town of
Teeswater punked me

country style.

♪

I went to visit the
Swamp Stompers, but

I didn't know at the time
what I was getting into.

(Laughs)

I'm starting to feel
nervous why are these guys

out doing this stuff in
the middle of the woods?

By themselves, like some
sort of secret society or

something like that.

It's like a group of
seven painting

meets Tim Burton or something.

♪

It's getting dark.

I thought maybe I was
going to end up being some

like some sort of
sacrificial offering to

some heathen god or
something like that.

(Laughs)

Okay that's it.

I don't know if there's
anyone here.

Teeswater Swamp Stompers.

This here's private
property we don't hanker

to no strangers
round here.

Well I was-
- We got something for ya.

Where do you reckon
you're going?

How'd you like some
of that, mister?

Jamie had invited me
to go out and visit the

Swamp Stompers and out of
the woods comes

Clayton Bell with no shirt and
a skunk skin over his

shoulder and a musket
and he shoots at me.

(Laughs)

How do you like
some of that mister?

No I'm fine thank you.

You come in peaceable?
- Oh absolutely.

Oh well then if that's the
case come on in

we'll have some
corn squeezings.

I just got a
fresh batch on.

I said Clayton I think
I'll just squeeze some corn

on my own
thank you very much.

I'll do without.

♪

Have a drink of
my chicken here.

Oh,
sorry.

Yum.

Not bad, not bad
it's pretty good.

Drinking from a
decapitated chicken,

all in a day's work.

Come on in Jonny.

♪

Okay, I get it,
you need a place where you can

get away from your
wives so you can drink

till you fall down.

(Laughs)

And by the way they're
dressed they don't need to

worry about the wives or
any women at all

coming out to the place.

(Laughs)

Weddings, parties,
dances whatever.

We broke in a grocery
store in London.

Two of the Canadian Open
fiddle champions

came from Teeswater.
- Yeah?

Yeah. One played with
us for a while.

Is that right?

Well I think you guys
should show me what you got.

Have a drop of that it
makes you play better.

Okay.

♪ She'll be coming around
the mountain when she comes. ♪

They've got all kinds of
homemade cobbled together

instruments and
one of the instruments

it was a piss pot with
beer caps stuck to it.

(Laughs)

This is not like
the good one is it?

I can play this one.

♪ She'll be driving six
white horses, ♪

♪ she'll be driving six
white horses, ♪

So then once
we'd had enough drinks,

we went outside to
shoot a cannon.

(Laughs)

We packed it with
gunpowder and cheerios.

(Laughs)
- I know.

She's got a bit
of recoil to her.

And I'm just sure,
somewhere in the States,

there's some CIA building
where they've got

satellite imagery of
the little tiny cannons

getting fired off in
Teeswater, Ontario.

They're like what the hell
are the Canadians

gettin' up to up there?

(Laughs)

Right on the powder.

Good shot Jonny!

I really fell
for this town.

♪

(Laughs)

This town found a way to
laugh through the hard times.

It was time for me to
rise to the occasion,

jump on the bandwagon of
"tractor town" and

ride off into the sunset...

but I wasn't going down
like some cliche ending.

Luckily I always carry
something for

just this kind of occasion.

(Laughs)

Alright boys,
let's dance.

♪

Teeswater taught me you
gotta take the bull by the

horn or take the
tractor by the wheel.

You're not gonna make it
here taking a back seat.

It's a good thing that
they got the male tractors

and the female tractors,
you know why?

Because if it was
all male tractors,

it might turn into
a tractor pull.

(Laughs)

Teeswater, Ontario where
men are men and

the women well,
double check.

(Laughs)

For the first time
since I arrived in

Teeswater my mom called.

And she says Jonathan
how's it going in Teeswater?

And I said mom I'm in the
middle of the woods,

half in the bag,
beating on piss pot and

shooting cereal out of a cannon.

(Laughs)

(applause)

She said,
why?

I said cause that's how
they do it in Teeswater.

Thanks so much everybody
you've been really great!

It was great.
It was a great show.

We had a blast.

I enjoyed it very much.

He was excellent,
excellent.

We're very proud
to be from Teeswater.

It's awesome, funny,
my cheeks hurt.

(Laughs)

I didn't pick up on his
accent when he was in the shop

but yeah he's got a little bit
of an eastern droll eh?

I'm dressed like a woman
driving a tractor,

there's nothing more small
town Ontario than that!

(Laughs)

♪