All language subtitles for My.Friend.Irma.1949.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX].SDH.eng

JANE: Well, this is
how New York looks

when you see it in the movies
and on picture postcards.

And this is how it looked
to me, Jane Stacey,

when I first came here
from Connecticut.

But New York's a great town.
It's got Park Avenue.

Lovely, isn't it?

Ah, I wish I lived there,
but I don't.

I live in Mrs. O'Reilly's
Boarding House

at 185 West 73rd Street,
Apartment 3B,

next to a charming
delicatessen.

But I still love New York,
because it's full
of unusual sights,

and the most unusual sight
in town is my friend Irma.

See if you can pick her out.

Having a little trouble?
Then let me help you spot her.

You see that street over
there that's being torn up?

And that sign that says,
"Men at work, beware"?

You notice how all
the normal people are
walking around that hole?

Well, in a few minutes,
you will be able to pick out

my roommate,
Irma Peterson. Watch.

[THUDS]

[PEOPLE CLAMORING]

Yes, you've probably
guessed it.

That's my friend Irma.

♪ My friend Irma says
"Bird dogs are a lie

♪ "I bought a pup
and he grew up

♪ "But he never
learned to fly"

♪ My friend Irma says
"A meatball is a dance

♪ "Where the lonesome
butchers go

♪ "When looking for romance"

♪ She bought a clock
last summer

♪ But now her wall is blank

♪ She heard
of daylight saving time

♪ And took it
right to the bank

♪ My friend Irma lives
in a world apart

♪ But men prefer
their dates with her

♪ She makes them
feel so smart

♪ Maybe my friend Irma

♪ Is not so very
dumb at heart ♪

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Good morning, Janie.
Mrs. O'Reilly,
I know why you're here.

You want the rent.
You always want the rent.

You love Irma and me
like your own daughters,
but business is business

and we're two months
late already, right?

But please don't tamper
with me this morning

because I haven't
had my coffee yet

and I can't find
the coffee pot. Coffee pot?

And don't tell me
only an idiot would
put it in the piano

because this is Irma's
week to keep house

and I've got to figure out
where an idiot would put it.

She was playing the radio.

Ha!
Now, Janie, let's...

Quiet, Mrs. O'Reilly.
I'm on the trail.

A-ha.

Butter, stove.
Coffee pot must be here.

You see? It all figures.

Shall I look in the
bathtub for the bread?

JANE: O'Reilly, you slay me.

And now, while
the coffee's perking,

I'm gonna tell you
a piece of good news

that will really knock
you right off your feet.

Janie, you got a chance
for a good job?

The best job
any girl ever got.

But if I stand around here
talking all morning,
I'll blow the whole thing.

So, look, be a dear
and get my clothes out
of the clothes closet

while I take a shower,
will you?

What dress do you
want to wear?

Mmm, I think I'll try
the nonchalant approach.

My brown dress with
the imitation-but-looks
like-real alligator belt,

bag and shoes.
All right, Janie.

Janie? Would you come
here for a minute? What is it?

It looks like Irma's been
doing a little housecleaning.

Well, wonder of wonders.

She even had the sense
to take the clothes out first.

Yes, where do you
suppose she put them?

Why, she probably...

Oh, no! Oh, mother!
Oh, murder!

Oh!

[PHONE RINGING]

I'll answer it,
Mrs. O'Reilly.

My feet are wet,
and I want to be sure
I'll be electrocuted.

Yes?

Hello, this is
Irma Peterson talking.

To whom have I
the pleasure of speaking to?

You have the pleasure of
speaking to Jane, Irma.

Oh, Jane, darling,
I called you because
I wanted to tell you

to be sure
not take a shower.

And why shouldn't
I take a shower

and be clean like all
other normal people?

[GIGGLES] Well, you see,
I painted the clothes closet,

and I hung all the
clothes in the shower.

Irma, when you
come home tonight

would you bring a piece
of good, strong rope with you?

Because there's something
else I want to hang in the
shower with the clothes.

Really, Jane? What?

You. Irma Peterson,
how could you be so stupid?

Irma?[PRESSES DIALPAD]
Irma, are you listening to me?

Sorry, your three
minutes are up.

Al?

Al, Jane's mad
at me because...

Quiet, Chicken.

I'm in the midst of
one of my biggest deals.

I'm sorry.

Hello, Joe? Al.
Got a problem.

Got all my dough riding
on Long Beach Sal
in the fourth race.

What's the good word?

Uh-huh, uh-huh,
uh-huh. Mmm-hmm.

Joe, you mean I lost my dough?

But you said
it was a sure thing.

You told me the horse
was wired and you had
the battery fixed.

What happened? What?

The horse won, but
the jockey got electrocuted?

Murder. So long, Joe.

What's wrong, Al, honey?
Black Friday.

All my deals backfiring.

If I didn't have such
ambition, who knows
where I'd be?

Here's your lunch, Al.
Thanks, Chicken.

What are you doing back
here again? You just got
your check this morning.

This is an emergency.
Bill, could I have an advance?

Promise you will not get
another job for a week.

It's against
the rules, Al.Fine thing.

Been coming here
four years steady

and can't build up
a credit rating.

Nothing I can do about it.

Beginning to lose my
faith in my fellow man.

Well, maybe
if you got a job...

Please, Chicken,
watch your language.

Only a question of time
before one of my deals
comes through.

I'm working on one now.
Can't miss.

What is it, Al?

Ripcords.

Got a chance to corner
the ripcord market

and sell them to
pajama manufacturers.

It's a natural.
You wake up in the morning,

bale out of your pajamas.
You like it?

Oh, it sounds wonderful,
Al, but gosh,

I'm getting a little
discouraged.

Discouraged? Why?

Well, we've been
engaged for five years

and we're not getting
any closer to that day

when we carry each other
across the threshold.

Gee, Al, I'm not getting
any younger, and, after all,

when I get married
and have children,

I don't want them
to be older than I am.

Look, Chicken, I think
you're being very impatient.

Al, but...
Please.

Every morning
when you go to work,
you take the bus, right?

You wait 15 minutes
for that bus, right? Right.

Fifteen minutes a day,
twice a day,
six times a week,

30 times a month,
12 times a year.

Do you realize
how much of your life

is spent waiting
for that crummy bus?

What about it, Al?
Well, I'm your fiance.

I think I deserve the same
consideration as a bus.

Oh, Al, I'm sorry
I questioned you.

When you explain,
it all seems so right.

Sure. It's that Jane
who's poisoning
your mind against me.

Oh, well, you know Jane.
She wants to marry
a man with money.

But I don't think
money is important.

Look, I have you,
and you have me,
and we both have nothing.

Come on, we'll buy
you a drink.

What'll it be?
One large one.

Chicken, you want one?

Oh, yes, please, Al.

A large one for the lady,
small one for me.
Want to lose weight.

Got you. What'd you like
to have, the California type
or the Florida type?

Well, I'd like
to have half of each.

You see, I've always
wanted to travel.

Please, Chicken.

Just a minute.

Seymour, California
needs a transfusion. Huh?

What are you doing
back there, sleeping?

Sleeping?
Are you kidding?

I'm standing back here
like a horse
working like a dog.

There are customers out here.

So what? I'm not
on a commission basis.

Now, wait a minute.
Don't be a big man
with me, Steve.

I'm standing back here
in this black hole
taking all the abuse

while you're out there
like a big man,
with a view yet.

Excuse me.
A little help problem.

What's the matter with you?
I asked you to squeeze
a few oranges

and you blow your top.
Blow my top?

I got an
occupational disease.

That cheap boss,

why don't he put
in electric squeezers?

Look what's
happening to me. So?

So is this something
for a young boy to go
through life with, yet?

Oh, don't exaggerate.
Exaggerating?

Do you realize
it's very difficult
to dance with a girl,

light a cigarette
and shave with
a hand like this?

Oh, stop bellyaching.
You'll get onto the job
once you get into it.

That's just the trouble.

I hate the job!

You've hated every job
we've ever had.

Certainly, because
I listen to you.

The last job you made me
take, a flapjack flipper.

It took me six months to
get rid of a swivel wrist.

Let me ask you one thing.

Why do you always
have to pick on jobs
that deform me?

Cheeta, listen.
Where do you begin?

I'm in there somewhere.

Oh, squeeze the oranges
before we get fired.

All right, I'll do it.

But you be careful
how you talk to me.

Remember, I haven't
been too well.

Oh, you're just
a hypochondriac.

[GASPS]

What's the matter with you?
You said a dirty word!

Now, look here, Seymour...

The least you could
do is show me some
sympathy, Steve.

When you were sick,
I was very considerate.

Remember when
the doctor gave you
only 30 days to live?

Yes.
Didn't I go out and
get you a calendar?

Look, I don't want
to argue with you.

We're making $35 a week
and it's steady.
We'll keep it that way.

You squeeze the oranges
back here, and I'll sell
them out there, okay?

Okay.

♪ Here's to love
Here's to love

♪ Here's to all that
love can stand for

♪ It's a wishful
wonderland for just you

♪ Here's to love
Love that love

[HUMMING]

♪ That without it
It's true

♪ It's the feeling
lovers swear by

♪ Better look out below

[HUMMING]

♪ Whereby
Hate to see you go

♪ And lately I kind of sigh

♪ As I see you rolling by

♪ Yes, it's love
that's growing

♪ Yes, it's love
It's showing

♪ Here's to love

♪ Here's to life with you ♪

Gee, you have
a wonderful voice.

Are you kidding?
Friend, did you ever
sing professionally?

Yeah, I'm a great
big opera singer.

I squeeze oranges
for a hobby.

Want to hear something
from an opera?

Oh, yes, will you sing, um,

Laugh, Clown, Laugh
from the opera Parcheesi?

Please, Chicken.
I like his voice, Al.

I like it, too,
but no one else does.

Everybody should.

If Irma likes you,
you're in.

Because Irma is
the average public.

She's got the common touch.

Common? Oh, Al.

[SOBBING]

Touchy dame.
What's the matter with her?

She's nuts about me.
But it bothers me. Why?

Don't know if she loves
me or my money.

That's one thing I don't
have to worry about.

Nobody's killing themselves
over a $35-a-week
orange juice salesman.

Why must you be one?
What do you mean?

Don't like to waste words,
friend, so I'll get right
to the point.

My boy, this is the
luckiest day of your life.

Are you in show business?
Indirectly, son.

For the past five years,
I'm what is technically
known as retired.

Collect an annuity
every week. Every week?

Like clockwork. So,
naturally, with all
this time on my hands,

I have developed a hobby.
Well, what's that?

Developing talent,
and helping them to the top.

Friend, under my auspices,
there is no telling
where you can go.

Why, I can have people
standing in line to hear
your golden voice.

I doubt it.
Friend, believe me,

when it comes to standing
in line, I am an authority.

Now, time is money.

I'm a busy man,
so we'll not haggle.

We'll offer you, with the
regular manager-artist
contract, the usual 10%.

Sounds fair.
And when you get
better, you'll get 15%.

I get 15%?
Slip of the tongue.
I get 15%.

See, you know your business,
son. What do you say?

It's not as simple as all
that. I have a partner.

I'd like to consult him.
Well...

I heard the whole thing.
We accept.

Oh, Seymour, this is Mr...
Just call me Al.

Yeah. Al, this is
my partner, Seymour.

Glad to know you.

See how
embarrassing
it gets?

It's an
occupational
disease.

Yeah. Well, boys,
what do you say?

Sounds all right.

What have we got
to lose? Let's go.

Jane?

Yes?

Are you mad at me?
No.

Are you sad at me?
No, no.

Then why don't
you look at me?

Because they have capital
punishment in New York,

and I don't think
I can beat the rap.

[SOBBING]

Oh, sweetie, don't cry.
You can't help it.

It's just that nature gave
some girls talent and brains

and, with you,
it slipped you a mickey.

[SNIFFLES]

I try so hard to please.

I know you do,
sweetie, and I hate

to keep jumping all
over you all the time,

but why, out of
365 days of the year,

did you have to pick
this day to ruin me?

Oh, how did I ruin you?
And why is today so important?

Because today I was
to be interviewed

for the job as
private secretary

to Richard Rhinelander III,

head of the Rhinelander
Investment Company.

So what?
"So what?"

Haven't you ever
read in the papers

where a poor secretary
marries her wealthy boss?

Why couldn't I be
Mrs. Richard Rhinelander III?

The third? What good is that
if he has two other wives?

Oh, please, honey.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello? Yes, Alice.

Yes, I know I'm late
for my interview,

but, you see,
there's been an accident

and I haven't got
a thing to wear.

Wait a minute,
I'll be right down.

I know where I can
get some clothes.[HANGS UP]

Oh, no, Jane. No.
No, you can't do that.

No! Oh, no!

[SCREAMS] Jane, no!

Hey, I'm gonna like
this neighborhood.

We just lose our job.
We ain't got
no place to live.

We ain't got from what
to eat. And already you're
thinking of luxuries yet.

Steve, you sure this
is the right place?

Certainly, this is
the right place. What are
you so suspicious about?

I don't know.
I think that guy's a phony.

He didn't get them shifty eyes
from watching tennis matches.

Oh, forget it. Every
big shot has a hideaway

where he can have
a little privacy
and this is probably Al's.

[HUMMING]

[GROANS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Just a minute.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yes?

This is an office?

Oh, hello. Al will be
here in just a minute.

Please, come in, gentlemen.

Just make yourselves
at home.

I'll get into something
more comfortable.

Oh, dear.

[BLOWING AIR]

Hey, Steve?

Hey, Steve, I come
from a very good family,

and I want to know just
one thing. Who's got the
opium concession here?

I'll be back
in just a minute.

Hi, Alice.
I'm sorry I'm late...

You're too late.
He's hired someone else.

Oh, no, he can't do that.

[BUZZING]
Wait for me.

I'll take it.

Who are you?

I'm Jane Stacey,
your new secretary.

Oh, but I've already
hired someone else.

Mr. Rhinelander,
I don't want you
to think that I'm bold

and you certainly have a right
to hire anyone you like,

but I just want you to know
that I've wanted this job

more than anything I've ever
wanted before in my life.

Would you mind explaining
what you're talking about?

Well, for two years,
I made friends with Alice,
your secretary,

and she promised me
that if she ever left,

she'd recommend me
for the job.

I took her to lunch
almost every day.

Mr. Rhinelander, I've got
a $65 investment in you.

Well, why did you go
to all this trouble?

Because I'd be
perfect for you.

I mean, I'd be
a perfect secretary.

I know everything there
is to know about you.

For instance on Mondays,
you go to the Plaza.

On Tuesdays, you go
to the 21 Club for lunch.

On Wednesdays, you have dinner
at your mother's house
on Long Island.

On Thursdays, you play
poker at your penthouse
on Park Avenue.

On Fridays, you go to the
Athletic Club and the
Stork Club in the evening.

On Saturdays, you play golf.

On Sundays, you go
horseback riding
in the early morning

if you don't have a hangover
from Saturday night.

And if you do, you go
to Jim's Steam Room
for a massage.

Amazing.
No, it's just research.

But really, Miss Stacey,
people just don't do this...

I'm sorry. I hope
you'll forgive me.

I'll go now.
Uh, Miss Stacey?

Yes?

[CHUCKLES] Take a letter.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: And now,
for the jackpot question.

What is the name of the song
and who's singing it?

Remember, if you guess it,
you get merchandise
worth $50,000.

Are you standing
by your radio? Yes.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Chicken, turn off the radio.

I'm trying to decide
what to do about
Steve's future.

Got a big problem
with the boys, and
you're playing the radio.

Telling you, you and them
contests driving me crazy.

Oh, please, Al.

MAN: And now, folks,
here's your first clue
to the song.

Bring my daughter
a glass of water.

Daughter, daughter,
that's someone's child.

Water is liquid.

Oh, it must be
Ol' Man River.

Chicken, believe me,
you've got no chance
to win this contest.

Why not?
For one thing,

all contest winners live
in one of two places,

Butte, Montana
or Keokuk, Iowa.

I'll move.
Ain't worth it.

And the only other way
you can win a contest

is if you have a husband
who isn't working

and you are the mother
of 32 children.

Thirty-two children?

[GASPS] Al, maybe...

Chicken, that contest is over
in two weeks. Be practical.

[DOORBELL RINGING]
Oh, Al.

[CLEARS THROAT]

They're playing
Ol' Man River?

Chicken, it's the doorbell.

Get it, please.
I am busy thinking.

Irma, will you hurry?

It's Jane.

Oh, Al, what about...
Say nothing. Nothing.

Ooh.

Honey, why does it take
you so long to answer...

Oh, no wonder. Well, the
least you can do is help me.

Okay, Jane.

Irma, I've got the job,
and that Richard
Rhinelander's a dream.

So good-looking
and so wealthy.

That's what can
come from work.

Chicken, she's starting
on me again.

Now, Jane,
you give Al a chance.

After all, he's really
a live wire.

Yeah, and it's only
a question of time

before somebody puts
a chair under him.

With talk like that,
I'm beginning to think
I'm not wanted for dinner.

Al, you can get a job
as a mind reader,

because tonight
I want to be alone.

Jane, got some plans
I want to talk to you about.

I'm not interested
in you and your plans.
I just want to be alone.

Jane, guarantee you...
Besides, I want to be
fresh and rested

for my job tomorrow.
But Jane.

Look, why don't you take
Irma out to dinner and
the movies for a change?

Break down,
spend a nickel.

But... But my deal.

You and your deals.

I don't want to hear
anymore about 'em.

Everything you've ever come
up with has been phony.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.
[GASPS]

What in the world
is going on in here?

I don't know, lady.
I'm just taking a shower.

[SCREAMS]

[HUFFING]

All right, let's have
an explanation,

and you'd better
make it good.

Will explain
everything, Jane.

Steve, that kid in there,
the good-looking one...

Does that give him a right
to be in my bedroom?

Yes, but...
I'm trying to
tell you, Jane,

he's my new find.
The guy sings like a bird.

And given 24 hours
with me as his manager,
he's going to go places.

Yes, he's going to go
places, and you're
going to follow him.

And as for that monstrosity
in the bathroom,

if he isn't out of here
in two seconds flat,
I'll call the police.

I heard everything
you said, lady,

and if I ain't welcome
here, I'm leaving.

[DOOR CLOSES]
Look, Jane, be reasonable.

All I'm asking is that
we accommodate the boys
here on the couch.

There's room
for both of them. Just for tonight.

They go, and you go.

Oh, please, Jane,
for my sake?

For your sake?
Oh, this'll mean
so much to Al and me.

To you?
Yes, Al has given
me his word

that if he makes
a success with Steve,

he'll be able to quit
the unemployment line
and marry me.

Oh, Jane, I don't want
to be an old maid.

What do you say, Jane?
Just for one night?

If you'll do this for me,

I'll make you best man
at my wedding.

All right, you two, come out.

We've met but not formally.
I'm Steve Laird.

Gentlemen, you may
consider this living room

the YMCA for one night.

Oh, Jane.
But I have news for you.

The YMCA doesn't serve
meals, and neither do I.

Who's worried about meals?
You are all my guests tonight.

Your guests?

Yes, we are leaving
for the Gypsy Tea Room
for dinner, immediately.

Give this to me slowly, Al.
Who's paying for all this?

We'll thank you
not to embarrass me.

Everything is taken care of.

Please, Jane,
come with us.

All right. I'll go.

But I've got the same feeling
Marie-Antoinette must've had

when she took
that chariot ride.

[CHUCKLES] Chariot ride.

Hey, can I have my pants?

My little pigeons.
Who's a pigeon?

It's only me,
Professor Kropotkin.

Oh, hello, Professor.
Hi, Professor.

Oh, Janie and Irma,
my two little proud beauties.

One with her head
in the air,

and the other
with air in her head.

[CHUCKLES]
Why, Professor.

Excuse me, girls, just
a little joke I picked up.

Well, Professor, as long
as we're going to have
dinner here,

what do you advise?

I advise that you
eat across the street.

Across the street?
The boss.

What's going on
out here, Kropotkin?

Mr. Ubang, these are
all friends of mine

who was going to eat
across the street,

but I said, instead,
they shall eat here

because we have
the best food in town.

Very good, Kropotkin.
But I'll take care
of the customers

and you go back there
and take care of your fiddle.

Okay.
Step right
this way, folks.

I'll take you
to your table,

and you can order
the best food in town.

Seymour, would
you care to dance?

Oh, I'd love to dance
with you, Irma,

but I'm gonna have
to take short steps.

I don't wanna be
too far from the table
when the food comes.

You see, I haven't
been too well.

What's the matter,
don't you believe
in fortunes?

No, I believe you
make your own life,

and you only get
what you plan for.

Not me. I like to take
it as it comes,

then if you're surprised,
you're on velvet.

What does it say?
I'm on velvet.

It says, "You are
placing your confidence

"in someone who
will enrich you."

Must mean Al.

Yes, Al's a pretty good
confidence man.

Well, what have
I got to lose?

Now what's yours say?

"Tomorrow is a day
of great consequence,

"a milestone on your
path to happiness."

It must be a stale cookie.
It should read, "Today."

Today?
Well, we met today.

No, no, it's tomorrow,

because tomorrow I start
a new job and everything.

I told you these
things were uncanny.

You think Irma would mind
if we eavesdropped a little?

No. What does it say?

"You are brilliant,
and your intellect

"is the envy of
all your friends."

[CHUCKLES]

After that, it's a cinch.
Seymour's is a blank.

Yes.

And that's how Steve
and I became pals.

But he's too easy-going.
He's not like me.

If somebody does something
I consider an offense,

I don't take it.
I fight back. I revolt.

Oh, Seymour, that's
a sign of character,

and I admire you for it.

I like men who are
offensive and revolting.

[CHUCKLES]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SPUTTERING]

It's getting worse
all the time.

All right, make
your announcement.

[TAPPING]

Ladies and gentlemen...

The Gypsy Tea Room is proud
to present its floor show.

They have a
floor show here? Yeah.

Who's in the show?
Well, uh...

The Gypsy Tea Room
is proud to present

a man who has been
acclaimed a singer,

Steve Laird.

[APPLAUSE]
What's this?

Do not quibble,
son, you're on.

Oh, not here.

Look, son, I am your manager.
Never question my judgment.

First rule of show business.

Mmm-hmm. Two and two
are beginning to make four.

You'd better sing, Steve.
Otherwise, it's the dishes.

I ain't gonna
wash no dishes.

I got a dishpan hand
already and it hurts.

Oh, they don't mean you.
You can't sing.

I can't wash dishes, either.

Just sit there.
Lots of luck.

[APPLAUSE]

Anything in particular?

No. Here, let's try this one.

E flat.
Okay, fine.

[VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ If your dreams
knew me longer

♪ And your arms
knew me more

♪ Then this plea
might be stronger

♪ Be a blessing, not a bore

♪ So why not try my love

♪ And see what goes

♪ You might find you like it

♪ Who knows? Who knows?

♪ Love me, love me

♪ Say you love me

♪ Just for fun

♪ Softly sigh it

♪ Try it, try it

♪ Just for fun

♪ If you're close to me

♪ Maybe you'll agree

♪ Here at hand's
that magic land

♪ We're seeking constantly

♪ Tingle, tingle

♪ When we mingle

♪ Just for fun

♪ Let's pretend
we'll never end

♪ What we've begun

♪ For if we play at love

♪ We may stay in love

♪ Then you'll be glad
you tried it

♪ Just for fun ♪

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you. Thank you.

Here, try this one.
Okay.

Now, what are you
doing out here?

The boss told me to come
out and do something,
or I do, do the dishes

so I came out, already.
I'm not through singing yet.

Well, don't get mad,
Steve. I just came out.
I thought I'd work.

Thought you'd what?

Woik. W-O-I-K, woik.
Oh, that's ridiculous.

Now go back to the table
until I'm through singing.

All right, if you're gonna
keep on singing, would you
do me a personal favor

and sing the song
you sing with the chore?

Chore?

Yeah, you know, when
the fellows in the band
all stand up together,

they sing with you. "Ah..."

C-H-O-I-R is choir.

I didn't know
you said it like that.

But I'd like you to do
the number anyway.

If you would do the
number with the chore,
I'd appreciate it?

You would what?

I said if you would
do the number,
I'd appreciate it?

Why do you leave the
last word up in the air?

It's the end of a sentence.
There's a period there.
You don't need it anymore.

You would say,
"I'm going to the corner."

Not, "I'm going
to the corner?"

Who talks like this?

You talk the way you want.
I talk that way
because listen.

Could I have that phrase
just once more?

I said, if you would
do the number,
I'd appreciate it?

What, are you asking me,
or are you telling me?

I'm wondering.
Oh, you're wondering.

Now, if you want to do
the number, okay,

and if you don't
want to do it, oh...

All right, if you
do me a favor,

you and I will
become friends.

I gotta do you
a favor first? That's right.

And if I do it,
we won't argue? Never again.

You swear?
Swear.

Scout's honor?
Scout's honor.

Take two giant steps.
Go back, you didn't say,
"May I?" [LAUGHS]

I'm all right now.
All right.

Now here's the favor
I want you to do.

What is it?
Go like this.
[CLICKS TONGUE]

Maybe I didn't hear you
correctly. What is that?

[CLICKS TONGUE]
Keep doing it.
Repeat it. Go ahead.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

♪ There's a song
in the air

♪ But the fair senorita
really doesn't care

♪ For that song in the air

♪ So I'll sing to the mule

♪ If you're sure
she won't think

♪ That I am just a fool

♪ Serenading a mule

♪ And try as she may

♪ In her voice is a flaw

♪ All that the lady can say

♪ Is...

[CARRYING NOTE]

[SCAT SINGING]

♪ You're the one for me
Hey! ♪

[APPLAUSE]

♪ Love me, love me

♪ Say you love me

♪ Just for fun ♪

What was the idea
of that?

Well, after all, they're
practically strangers.

Jane, why don't
you come to bed?

You said you wanted
to get in early

so you'd make a nice
impression on Richard.

JANE: Yes, I know
I did, sweetie,

but I'm just not tired,
that's all.

My, it's warm in here.

Ha, a little while ago,
you said it was cold.

[CHUCKLES] Yes, I know.

Funny how the temperature
jumps up and down

when there's
a man around. [GIGGLES]

Oh, Irma, don't be ridiculous.

[INHALES]

[GASPS]

Interesting view,
isn't it? It's the one I like.

Park Avenue?
Uh-huh.

It's pretty far, Jane.
It's not too far for me.

A lot of them try, but just
a few of them make it.

Well, I think
I've found a shortcut,
through Wall Street.

Well, do you think
the trip is worth it?

For me, it is, because
I've got to have it.

Why?

Because I'm a little
tired of my life, Steve.

I'm tired of getting up
at 7:00 in the morning,

sharing the subway with
the rest of the sardines,

pounding a typewriter all day
just so I can look forward

to a scintillating night
at Coney Island.

That doesn't sound too bad.

It sounds like
a pretty average life.

That's just it.
I hate being average.

All my life,
I've been average.

I came from an average family.

My father was a druggist,
never quite a doctor.

There's a difference.

Now that I've grown up,
I don't wear the
cheapest clothes,

but I can never
afford an original.

I don't starve, but
I don't drink champagne.

I'm just some place
hanging in the middle.

Oh, sure,
it's an average life,

but I'm sick and tired
of being average.

Well, with me,
it's different.
Just living is a kick.

I'm just as average as...

I mean, I'm a pretty
ambitious guy,

but what's the use
of living if you have
to kill yourself to live?

Well, I think I've found
an easier way.

Rhinelander.
Maybe.

The thing that gets
me all mixed up

is how I could have
figured you out all wrong.

How do you mean?

Well, tonight,
when I was singing
at the Gypsy Tea Room,

I looked over at you,
and I had a feeling that...

I guess I was wrong.

But thanks for
straightening me out.

STEVE: ♪ Love me, love me Say you love me

[STEVE HUMMING]

[CONTINUES HUMMING]
♪ Try it, try it

♪ La-da-da-dee

♪ You're so close to me

[STEVE HUMMING]

♪ La-da-dee La-da-dee

♪ Maybe you'll agree

♪ Tingle, tingle

♪ Just for fun

♪ Let's pretend
we'll never end

♪ What we've begun

[HUMMING]

♪ We may stay in love

♪ Then you'll be
glad you tried it

♪ Just for fun ♪
Steve?

Yes?

Stop singing, will you?
Why?

Just stop. That's all.

STEVE: Okay,
it's your house.[SIGHS]

Jane, you like him,
don't you?

I'm not interested
in what I like.

I'm interested in
what's good for me.

Good night, honey.

I'm a fool.

I should have said,
"Forget Park Avenue
and Richard Rhinelander."

I should have said,
"You're my kind of girl."

Then I should have
taken her in my arms

and said, "Love is
the important thing."

Then I should have said...
So say it, already,

kiss me, and we'll
all get some sleep.

"Mail in the middle.
Letters on the left."

"Pipe."

[SNIFFS]

"Likes tobacco kept moist."

That ought to do it.
RICHARD: It certainly should.

Oh! Mr. Rhinelander.

Do you know I keep tobacco
in there? Not goldfish.

But it says... I mean...

Do you mind
if I see what it says?

"Tips from Alice."

I'll go now.
No, no, please stay.

"Shy while dictating."

Shy while dictating?

"Smokes pipe after luncheon.
[CLEARS THROAT]

"Monday, directors'
meeting." Hmm.

I'm sorry, I was just
trying to be efficient.

Really? Now that
my life's an open book,
let's examine yours.

Now, let's see. Name?

Jane Stacey, correct?
Correct.

Age?
Just leave
a question mark.

Question mark?

Now, then, you live
at the Barbizon Home
for Women, right?

Wrong. I have
a charming apartment
on West 73rd Street.

Oh, I see.

Well, you live alone with
a mother who adores you?

No, I live with a roommate
named Irma, who...

Who is a secretary
like yourself, correct?

No, Irma's a novelist.

Well, you see,
I'm no good at biography.

Maybe I'll get your
friend, the novelist,
to write it some day.

Well, I'm afraid
she wouldn't have time,

because, you see,
besides her novel,

she's also engaged
to be married

to a very nice young
fellow. [CHUCKLES]

What does he do?

Er, he works for the
government. He's a collector.

I see. Well, now let's
get back to my life.

Excuse me.

Tuesday night, you have
dinner at the Stork Club.

Mmm-hmm. But with whom?
With Dorothy Danbury.

Oh, yes.

Miss Stacey, do you
like the Stork Club?

I've never been there,
Mr. Rhinelander.

Well, good, then it's
about time you went.

How would you like
to go with me tonight?

Who, me?
Yes, you. Why not?

Unless you don't care.
Oh, but I do.

I... I'd love to.

Good. Then it's
Stork Club tonight.

Oh, yes. Yes, sir.

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
If you can identify the name of the song

and who's singing it.

And so, don't forget
to listen tonight

when some lucky
person will win

$50,000 worth
of merchandise. I won't.

Remember, tonight,
over the same station,

it's your Lucky
Jackpot Program

with the grand prize of
$50,000 worth of merchandise,

so be sure you're home...

"Irma, stay home tonight."
Because we may call you.

"They may call me."

[BUZZING]

[BUZZING CONTINUES]

[BUZZING CONTINUES]
[SIGHS]

Miss Peterson, didn't
you hear that buzzer?

I wasn't sure. There was
an airplane overhead, and...

Is something wrong?

No. No, there's nothing wrong.
Everything's lovely.

But will you please
tell me where that letter
to the Goodrich Company is?

It's very simple.
I filed it where it belongs,
under "R."

Goodrich under "R"?
That's right.

Good and rich
means well-off,

and who do you know
that's well-off?

Rockefeller.
That's right.

So I filed it under "R."

Oh, I should have fired
you months ago,
but I can't.

It would take me years
to find out where
you keep things.

Where's your shorthand book?
I didn't bring it.

You didn't? And why not?

I didn't know you wanted
to give me dictation.

Of course not.
I'm just lonely.

I invited you in here
because I want to dance.

All right, Mr. Clyde.
Oh!

Will you get that shorthand
book before I go crazy?

Yes, Mr. Clyde. I don't know
why you get upset so easily.

[TUTS]

Silly man, gets himself
upset for no reason at all.

Let's see. Where could I
have put that notebook?

Gee, I must finish
that some day.

No, uh, let's see now.
I took a letter on Monday.

Oh, it rained Tuesday.
That's it.

Hiya, Chicken.
Oh, hello, Al, honey.

Got terrific news for you.

Got Steve booked
to sing at Coney
Island tonight.

Oh, Al, that's wonderful.
Not only that,

but have opened a little
office, and the boys are
living with me.

Oh, Chicken,
I'm really rolling now.

Oh, Al, I always
knew you'd succeed.

I just can't wait to hear
all the wonderful things
people say

about you after you're dead.
Thanks, Chicken.

Now, since the kid will be
a little nervous tonight,

and since he seems
to be stuck on Jane,

we'll naturally make things
smoother all around

if Jane was to show up
with you at Coney
Island tonight.

Well, that's a cinch.
Jane has no place to go.

Just pick us up at 8:00.
Great.

Hey!

How about a little
kiss for good luck? Oh, sure, Al.

Miss Peterson, do you
mind if I interrupt?

Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't
kiss anybody but Al.

Oh. [BODY THUDS]

[KICKING]

Mr. Clyde, why are
you lying there,
kicking your feet?

Irma, honey, I've got
the most wonderful news.

Oh, Jane, I laid out
all your things,

because the boys
will be here any minute

to pick us up, and we
don't want to be late.

Late for what?
Oh, Al's gotten
Steve a tryout

at Coney Island,
and we're going out
there to root for him.

Coney Island?
Are you kidding?

Take a look at this.
Oh.

Three weeks' salary.

And where do you think
your little roommate,

Jane Stacey,
is going tonight?

Well, to the Stork Club,
dancing to the smooth rhythms

of Xavier Cugat
and his orchestra.

And guess with whom?
Xavier Cugat?

No, honey, with no one
else but my boss,
Richard Rhinelander.

Oh, Irma, he's falling
for me like a ton of bricks.

Oh, Jane, Steve
will be so disappointed.

Al told him you were coming,
now you're scaring
like a Welsh rabbit.

I know you understand, honey.
Now, look, I've got to hurry

because I told him
I'd meet him at the
Plaza Bar at 7:30.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hi, Al.
Well, kids, let's
not stand around.

Let's get on the ball.
Tonight's the night.

Come on, Jane, how's
about getting dressed?

Time is money. Have
rented the boys' tuxedos
on an hourly basis.

Don't want to stand around
and eat up the profits.

Jane's not going with us, Al.
She's going to the Stork Club.

Oh, the boss came
through already, huh?

Yes, I am going out
with Mr. Rhinelander.
Do you mind?

I think a girl can go
where she wants to
without everybody inquiring

into her business and
staring at her as though
she were a criminal!

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

I'm hungry.

Look, boys...

You better get down there
and go over your music.

Chicken and I will be there
in time for the show.

Oh, you fellows
got cab fare?

No.
Here.

Here are the directions
how to get there.

Al...

Al, if you say one
thing about Jane, I'll...

[VOICE BREAKING] I'll...

She's none of the
things you're thinking.

I wouldn't trust
that dame any more

than I would my own
personal check.

How could she do this?

Demoralizing my star
on his opening night.

She'll hear you.
I do not...

[SOFTY] Care if she does.

But, Al, Jane's ambitious.

And this is a great
opportunity for her.

After all, how often

does a girl meet
a millionaire
with money?

A millionaire with money?

Chicken,
you really think

Jane has a chance with
that Rhinelander guy?

Of course.

Might have a thought
there, Chicken.

Uh-huh.

If Jane could
land this guy,

we, as her first dependents,

must benefit.

We might cook up
a little deal.

But only if it's legitimate,
and he knows about it.

Well, naturally,
Chicken, naturally.

Got a new angle.

If I could talk to the guy
for about five minutes...

Tell me, what time
does the sucker...

Uh, Richard arrive here?

Oh, he isn't coming here.

Uh, Jane's meeting him
at the Plaza Bar at 7:30.

Meeting a man
at a bar?

She's gonna
ruin everything.

What do you mean, Al?

Will explain.

Chicken, do you think
of Jane as a sister?

Oh, many times.

Good. Then that makes her
my sister-in-law.

Ain't gonna have
anybody in my family

runnin' around like that.

Must get to a phone.

But we have a phone.

Shh. The Professor.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hello?

Want to talk to
Mr. Rhinelander,
please.

Okay, Chicken,
get on the phone.

But I don't know
what to say.

Just say you're calling
for Ms. Jane Stacey.

She's been delayed,
she's only half-dressed,

and it would take
a load off her mind

if you would pick
her up at her house

instead of at the bar.
Got it?

Got it word for word.

Hello.

Just to play it safe,
let me have it back.

Uh, she would like you
to pick her up here

because she's half-dressed,
half-loaded

and would be
a very easy pickup.

Hold it, Chicken.
Forget what I said.

Just invite
the guy straight.

RICHARD: Yes?
Hello.

Uh, Ms. Jane Stacey
asked me to give you
a message.

She wants you to pick
her up at her apartment

at 185 73rd Street,
at 7:00.

Oh, all right.
All right,
I'll be there.

Goodbye.
[LINE DISCONNECTS]

Oh, he's coming, Al.
Great, Chicken.

Now, got anything to
drink at your place?

We have milk.
Milk!

Chicken, this guy's
a multimillionaire,

a blue blood.
He's used to the best.

I'll go out and get
a couple of bottles
of beer.

Chicken, stop
clownin' around.

Oh, I'm sorry, Al.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Irma, will you see
who it is?

Oh, you'll have to go.

I'm making my eyes up
to sparkle.

JANE: All right.
It's probably
Mrs. O'Reilly.

Mrs. O...

Oh.

Oh, I beg
your pardon, Madam.

Oh, Mr. Rhinelander.

Ms. Stacey?
What are you doing here?

Well, I was told to
pick you up at 7:00,

but I'm very sorry
if I'm early.

Why, Jane, I don't think
it's very nice of you

to keep your guest
in the hall.

Won't you please come in,
Mr. Rhinelander?

Yes, thank you.

Why, Jane, aren't you
going to introduce us?

Yes, yes.

Mr. Rhinelander,
this is my roommate,
Irma Peterson.

Oh, Ms. Peterson,
how do you do?

Ms. Stacey
told me about you.

I understand you write.

Of course, and I read
very well, too.

Well, I do have
a little trouble
with my spelling.

I beg your pardon?
[LAUGHING]

Uh, Irma has a great
sense of humor.

Yeah.
Oh, my sparkle.

Now, Mr. Rhinelander,

if you'll just make
yourself comfortable,
I won't be a minute.

Oh, Jane, you go ahead
and get dressed

and I'll have a nice,
long chat with
Mr. Rhinelander.

No, no, darling,
I need you in
the bedroom.

But who'll stay
with Mr. Rhinelander?[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Who called
for the beer man?

Well, company.

What a delightful surprise.

Mr. Rhinelander, uh,
that's my fiance, Al.

Oh, oh. How do you do?

Well, nice knowing
you, Richard.

There, Jane, now you
don't have to worry.

Richard has someone
to chat with,

and I can help you dress.

Don't things
work out wonderfully?

Yes, wonderfully.
Wonderfully.

If you'll excuse us,
Mr. Rhinelander.

Oh, that's, uh...

Be right with you, Rich.

Yeah.

Irma Peterson,
this is some of yours
and Al's work.

Oh, Jane, we only wanted
to save your reputation.

Meeting a man at a bar.

Save my reputation?

Letting him come to this,
this awful rooming house

and see me looking
like a savage.

But think how much nicer
you'll look to him

after you get dressed up.

Oh, Irma.
Oh, don't be upset.

He's comfortable in there,

and I know he'll get
along with Al famously.

Famously? If Richard
reaches for his wallet,

he'll shake hands with Al.

Oh.

Sounds good, huh?

Well, uh, frankly, Mr...

Friend, just call me Al.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, uh, frankly, Al,
uh, you see, uh,

my business
is stocks and bonds.

I know very little
about show business.

Safest investment
in the world.

Yeah, well, uh,

it hasn't been for me
on several occasions.

You see, I'm
fairly conservative,

but they nicked my mother
on a couple of turkeys,

and, uh, well, naturally,
I'm a little leery.

Friend, understand
your attitude.

Will not press the point.

Uh, thank you.
But about
the other matter.

Oh, now, look,
since you say

Jane has set her heart
on going to Coney Island,

I don't mind accepting
your invitation,

because I've never
been there.

You'll love it.
If you're anything
like me,

you get bored with
those fancy places.

Yeah, yeah.
[DOOR OPENS]

Well, I'm ready.
Shall we go?

Yes, we'd better
get started.

It's a long drive
to Coney Island.

Coney Island?

Why, sure, Al told me
it's your favorite spot.

And I'd like to go.
Is it all right?

Coney Island.
Yes, yes.

If you'd really
like to go.

Oh, sure, I think
it might be fun.

[TITTERS]

I... I'm so pleased
I could die.

Ladies first.

My hat.

Al swung it.

That's the way
I'd like to see Al,
swinging.

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]

I can't understand
that Mr. Ubang.

Who does he think he is,

keeping two big
artists waiting?

Oh, take it easy.

Stop using that lamp
to get a suntan.

You wanna get
electrocuted?

I'm only doin' it
because I'm nervous.

And don't tell me
not to be.

All temperamental artists
before an opening are nervous.

Mr. Laird?

STEVE: That's me.
Mr. Ubang?

Yeah. Pleased to know you.

Glad to know you.
I'm Seymour.

Uh, Mr. Laird, my brother
over at the Gypsy Tea Room

said that you're
a very fine singer.

Well, I do
the best I can.

Don't be modest.
I'm great, Mr. Ubang.

We're all set to go
to work tonight.

The team of
Seymour and Steve.

But before we start,
there's one thing
I have to know.

Where's the money?
Seymour.

Uh, just a minute.
Just a minute, please.

Are you a team?

Certainly, didn't your
brother tell you about me?

Oh. Oh, yes. Yes, yes,
he did tell me about you.

Well, Mr. Laird,
this is a tryout,
you know.

You'll probably do
about two numbers.

Fine.
How about me?
How long do I work?

You work
the whole evening.

The whole evening?
Yes, throughout.

Oh, wow, Mr. Ubang,

I'm glad to see
you know good talent.

Fortunately, I have enough
material. [LAUGHS]

Yeah. I'm...

Would you like to see
some of my impersonations?

I do Barry Fitzgerald.
Watch this one.

Father O'Malley,
I'd like for you to know

that there's no
possible way... Oh, come on.

If you don't like that,
I can do seals. Watch this.

[GRUNTING]
A male seal.
A female seal.

A male and a female seal.
[GRUNTING]

A baby seal.
[SCREECHES]

Let's go to
a dressing room,
please.

All right.
Mr. Ubang,

there's a third party
here. What about me?

Do you like the way
I'm dressed?

Oh, no, you need
something else.

Oh, well, what time
does the show start?

Well, Mr. Laird will start
in about an hour,

but you start
right away.

Well, I'm ready.
Where's my public?

They'll be clamoring
for you in a few minutes.

[GRUNTS]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[CRASHING]

Where am I
gonna put that car?

Where am I
gonna put that...[HORN HONKING]

I'm comin'. I'm comin'!

[HORN HONKING]

So this is the public
that's clamoring for me?

Never mind your public.
Park the car.

[CAR CRASHING]

[WHISTLES]

All right, I hear you!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Watch it, fellow.

Oh, look, Al,

there's Seymour's
twin brother
parking the car.

I ain't got no twin brother.
It's me, Seymour,

and what's happenin' to me
shouldn't happen to a dog,

a big one. A little one
couldn't handle it.

JANE: Well,
let's go in, shall we?

We don't want
to miss the show.

Oh, certainly not.
Park the car, son.

Don't give me none of that
"park the car" stuff.

Don't be a big man
with me, Al.

Please, I'm going to
miss the show.

I'm supposed to be the show.
Half, at least.

Steve and me are a team.

To me, this is not
equal billing.

Just be patient, Seymour.
Your time will come.

Remember, Rome was
not built in a day.

I'm standin'
out here freezin',

and this guy
gives me proverbs.

Park the car!
Park the car!

I knew you were
gonna say that.
Listen to me, Al...

Take it easy, Seymour.
On the next job,

you will be
the main feature.

Steve will be nothing.

That's the way
I like to hear
you talk.

Remember,
I am a great actor.

Know it, son. Know it.

In the meantime,
park the car.

That's what I say,
park the car.

What, do you two guys
have a one-track mind?

Park the car.
I'll park the car.

You blow your whistle.
Let me worry about the car.

Ooh!

Why do you push?
Are you crazy or somethin'?

It's nice of you
to come down
for the opening show.

What happened, slumming?

Al and Irma
Shanghaied me.

All the time, I thought
you came down to see me.

It's only powder.

I thought it was
a little gold dust
that had brushed off.

I thought
you wanted to dance?

Okay, I'll be good.

Rich, my boy,

let me put another head
on that champagne.

Oh, no, wait a minute, Al.
I think I've had enough.

I don't wanna wake up
in the morning,

scratching my head
way out to here.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, don't worry,
Mr. Rhinelander,

with your money,
you can get a hat
any size.

[LAUGHING]

You get it?
Ain't that rich? You know what?

I think I'm gonna relax
and just have a lot of fun.

[APPLAUSE]

[EXCLAIMS]
[LAUGHS]

Missed it.

You seem to have
been doing all right

while we were dancing.

I'm just helping
Richard to relax.

And am I relaxing!

Thank you,
Mr. Rhinelander,

for the use of
your dancing partner.

Oh, not at all, not at all,
just call me Richard.

Come over here
and have a drink.
Come on.

Oh, no, thanks just
the same, but I've got
to go to work.

Oh, you gotta work.
All right.

Ladies and gentlemen,
in line with our policy

of bringing you
the best of
entertainment,

we present Steve Laird.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ I was once
a melancholy sad one

♪ Nothing seemed to be
worth a whit

♪ Now this melancholy one
is such a glad one

♪ And my lamp of love is lit

♪ You're it

♪ See it in your smile
I hear it in your sigh

♪ That we have found
a feeling higher than high

♪ My own

♪ My only, my all

♪ Kindled by your kiss

♪ The warmth of your embrace

♪ The luster of the lovelight

♪ Lightin' your face

♪ My own

♪ My only

♪ My all

♪ Knock on wood
As well I should

♪ For all that
you're making of me

♪ Never thought
you'd love me

♪ But you do, you do

♪ And when I look up
at the stars

♪ And ask them all
what's new

♪ They join me in the answer

♪ "Darlin', it's you"

♪ My own

♪ Oh, my only

♪ My all ♪

Terrific, ain't he, Rich?

Yeah, he's great.

What do you think, Jane?

Oh, he's just
another singer.

My wife left
her handkerchief

in the glove compartment
of my car.

It's that green sedan,
back against the wall.

Get it, please?

Yes, sir!

[HORN BLARING]

These convertibles
never stand up!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Here's a toast to the most

♪ Romantic intention

♪ It's that art of the heart

♪ Most worthy of mention

♪ So pay attention

♪ Here's to love
Here's to love

♪ Here's to all
that love can stand for

♪ It's a wishful
wonderland for just you

♪ Here's to love
Here's to love

♪ There's a magic
touch about it

♪ And you're nothing
much without it

♪ It's true

♪ It's the feelin'
lovers swear by

♪ Whereby they celebrate

♪ Those who find it thereby

♪ Are feelin' only great

♪ And lately I kind of sigh

♪ When I see you smiling by

♪ Is this love
that's growin'?

♪ Yes, it's love
It's showin'

♪ Here's to love

♪ Here's to life with you

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Here's to love
Here's to love

♪ That's a thing
for jerks and rabbits

♪ Gets you in
the darnedest habits

♪ It's bad

♪ Here's to love
Nah, love

♪ Makes you feel
you're short on plasma

♪ I can feel
the same with asthma

♪ It's sad

♪ It's like sweet cream
sour turning

♪ Jelly on your mustache

♪ And when it
starts you burning

♪ You wind up just an ash
in the fireplace

♪ I'd rather sigh over
hot corned beef on rye

♪ Who wants love?
I'm lazy

♪ Who needs love?

♪ Who's crazy?

♪ Here's to love
Here's to life

♪ Alone

♪ It's a summer night
in Paris

♪ Fiesta in San Jose

♪ A 'andsome tweed by 'arris

♪ The road to Mandalay

♪ So lately I kind of sigh

♪ When I see you smilin' by

♪ Is this love
that's growin'?

♪ Yes, it's love
It's showin'

♪ Here's to love
Here's to life

♪ With you ♪

Oh, he's wonderful.

Richard, don't you think
we'd better go now?

Oh, no, Jane,

we've still got time
for another round,

another round,
another round,
haven't we?

Oh, sure. Jane,

we were just getting around
to discussing a little deal.

Yeah. Say, I've got
a wonderful idea.

Let's all go up
to my place afterwards
for a nightcap, huh?

Terrific. Terrific.

Well, I think that
would be... Ow!

No, thanks.
I have a headache,
I guess.

Uh, well, good night, Al.

Huh?

Well, okay.

Be talking to you, Rich.

All right.
Come on, Chicken.

Wonderful people.

You know, I think Irma's
not only sweet and brilliant,

but Al is as honest
as the day is long.

Wonderful people.

Just dropped by
to say good...

When did he trade
the eyes for
the glass ones?

Don't be silly.
Mr. Rhinelander
is not drunk.

He's just resting.
Really?

It's been a pleasure
meeting you, Richard.

Well, it's been
a pleasure
meeting you, Al.

Al?

Jane, are you sure
he's able to drive
you home?

Drive her home?

Why, the way I feel,
I could drive her
to Cleveland.

Let's go. Oh!

[GASPS]

Well, that's me,

never a date
but always a chauffeur.

This is it.

Be careful
with him, Steve.

Be careful of him?

What about me?

Go on, Steve,
get up.

No, make him get up.

Come on, now.

[GRUNTS]

I'd like to see you
carry him for a while.

You'll have to
excuse us now.

Jane?

Out here.

Well, he's all wrapped up
and tucked away.

Thanks, Steve.

You know,
given half a chance,

I'm an obliging guy.

It's beautiful up here,
isn't it?

Uh-huh.

It's just like
I always dreamed
it would be.

Yeah.

He seems to
like you, too.

You see, Steve,

it's like I told you
up on the roof
at our place.

These are the things
that I want...

It's pretty.

My mother left it to me.

I wouldn't want you to think
that I was a gold digger,

uh, but it's just a question
of wanting something

and then going after it.

And if you're figuring
on someday getting married,

then you might as well figure
on marrying somebody

instead of nobody.

You know?
Yeah.

Oh, I... I don't mean

that a girl should,
should marry
for money, exactly.

Oh, of course not.

But what's wrong
with a girl,

maybe, falling in love
with a guy

that's got it, you know?

And don't tell me
that it's harder

to fall in love
with a wealthy guy

than it is with a poor guy,
because th... That's silly.

Isn't that silly?

It's just too silly
to even talk about.

So that's why I figure
that maybe someday

Richard and I could be...

Could be...

Steve, don't.

Oh, please,
just stop that.

Just go away.

Jane, I love you.

No, Steve.

It's not enough.

Sorry, but that's
my best offer.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Richard, I'm leaving.
Are you all right?

Huh? What?

Ms. Stacey.

Well, I'm gonna have
to give you a raise.

I've never had
a secretary
this efficient.

But I...

Oh.

What is wrong, Seymour?

What is wrong?

Look at my name.

Look at the size
of my printing.

I don't know whether it says
"Seymour" or "no smoking."

Gives you
a mysterious air, son.

Now, don't start complaining.

Things are breakin' fine.

You and Steve have got
a lovely home here.

And Jane,
through Richard,

has fixed it for Steve
to meet Ralph Winston,

the big Broadway producer.

Ralph Winston?
What about me?

Your time will come, son.

Got to hold you
back a little.

Don't want to
push you too much.

Save you for a rainy day.

Rainy day? I got
some news for you, Al.

I get hungry
in clear weather.

Okay, son. I'm going
to level with you.

I'm a man who believes
in dealing above board.

Ha, ha, ha.

Seymour, has anyone
ever told you

that you have
a tragic face?

Tragic face?

You listen to me, Al,
you worry about yours.

Don't mean it
that way, friend.

You have a certain
dramatic quality

in your expression,
and I think

with a little practice,
you can become a fine actor.

And that's where
the money is.

Today, that's what
they need,
legitimate actors.

How do I become legitimate?

Well, it takes
practice, my boy.

Now there's the mirror.

Take a look at yourself.

Now, if you notice,

you have deep expression
in your eyes

and a very sensitive chin.

All the qualities
of a legitimate actor,

maybe even a great lover.

Yeah, but isn't
my voice too high?

Not necessarily.

You can make love
to tall girls.

Oh, well, what do I do to do
what you said I should do?

Well, first thing,
you've got to
practice speaking.

Now, let's take
some dramatic sentence
like, uh,

"You say you love me,

"but you don't even
know I'm alive."

You say you love me,

But you don't even know.
I'm alive?

No, no. Mustn't leave
any opening for doubt.

Make it
a definite statement.

You say you love me,
but you don't even.

No, I'm alive.

Now, that's closer, kid.
Keep practicing.

You say you know me,

and ain't it lovely
to be alive?

[HOARSELY]
You say you love me,

and I've loved you.
Living and loving.

Is that grand? No.
Why? I don't know.

[INTERCOM BUZZING]

Yes?

WOMAN: A Mr. Steve Laird is here.

Send him right in, please.

[DOOR OPENS]

Al said
you wanted to see me.

Steve, isn't it wonderful?

Mr. Rhinelander
has arranged for you

to meet Ralph Winston,
the Broadway producer.

Aren't you pleased?

You don't have
to toss me a bone

by havin' him fix up
a letter for me.

I don't go for that
kind of a payoff.

Steve, that's not true.
I don't play angles, Jane.

[DOOR CLOSES]

RICHARD: Yes?

Richard,
I've changed my mind.

If you still want me
to meet your mother
for dinner tonight,

I'd be more than pleased.

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Tonight, over this
same station,

it's your
Lucky Jackpot Program,

with a grand prize
of $50,000 worth
of merchandise,

so be sure you're home.

Don't worry.
I won't go anyplace tonight.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

I'm sorry, but...

Oh, hello, Al, honey.

Al, you're all
out of breath.

You shouldn't let
yourself get that way,

because breath is
good for you.

Look, Chicken,
came here for comfort,

not to be analyzed.

And shut that
doggone radio off.

[RADIO SHUTS OFF]

Oh, Al, what's the matter?
Is anything wrong?

Wrong?

Chicken, saw a pot of gold
at the end of a rainbow.

Just when
I'm about to grab it,

rainbow disappears.

Now, I haven't even
got a pot.

Oh, Al,
you always have me.

You have something to eat,
and you'll feel better.

I'm almost
too depressed to eat.

And it's all
that Jane's fault.

Shh. She'll hear you.

Don't care if she does.

First, I get
that Richard blind,

so he'll appreciate
my proposition.

She drags him away.

Then when he finally
comes through for me,

she has to have
a fight with Steve

and he walks out
and goes back to
the orange juice stand.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Al.

Tell you, Chicken,
if that Jane wasn't a dame

and I was in
better condition,

I'd haul off and slug her.

But, Al, everything's fine.

Jane's in there
getting dressed

to meet Richard's
mother tonight.

His mother.

Chicken, this puts
a whole new
complexion on it.

It does?

Why, this is the greatest
thing that ever happened.

I got a millionaire
brother-in-law!

Bless that Jane.

She's a sweet kid,
the salt of the earth.

But, Al, you know
what worries me?

I wonder if Jane
really loves Richard.

After all, money
doesn't bring happiness.

Chicken,
the guy who said that

is still seeing
his psychiatrist.

Got to run along.

Got to get
a hold of Steve

and convince him
that he can go places

if he'll forget Jane
and leave her to Richard.

But what do you want me
to do, Al?

Nothing, Chicken,
absolutely nothing.

You don't
have to worry.

I'm very good
at doing nothing.

Great, Chicken, because
if you meddled in this,

our marriage
could be delayed.

Conservatively speaking,

years and years.

Will be back for supper.

Jane, want me to
help you get dressed?

Jane?

Oh, Janie, what's wrong?

[SOBBING]

Nothing, Irma. Nothing.
I'll be all right.

Oh.

Tell me all about it.

You can think of me
as a mother,

but then don't go around
telling anybody my age.

[SNIFFLES]

Oh, Irma, all my life

I've wanted to marry
a millionaire,

and now, when I...
When I finally got one

and I'm ready
to reel him in,

I have to fall in love
with a guy

who hasn't even got
enough money for bait.

You mean Steve.

Mmm.

Gee, what're you gonna do?

I don't know, honey.
I just don't know.

My heart's got
a hold of my head,

and it's shaking it
by the throat.

Oh, honey, you really
are in a mess.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Excuse me,
Mrs. Rhinelander,

there's a Ms. Peterson
asking to see you.

Ms. Peterson?

I don't know any
Ms. Peterson, Henry.

She says it's in regard
to Ms. Jane Stacey,

Mr. Rhinelander's secretary.

Oh?

Oh.

Well, show her in, Henry.

Mrs. Rhinelander
will see you now,
Ms. Peterson.

Thank you.

Wait a minute.

Oh. Excuse me.

Ms. Peterson?

Yes, I... I'm the roommate
of your son's secretary.

Oh, I see.
Won't you sit down?

Oh, thank you.

My, if you'll excuse
the expression,

you're the spitting
image of Richard.

Except that he shaves.

Huh?

Oh.

[LAUGHS] Oh, thank you,

I think.

Would you care
for some tea?

No, thank you.

A cocktail?
No, thank you.

Oh. Gum?

Uh, well, not right now.

Cigarette?
Oh, thank you.

For Al.

Uh, Mrs. Rhinelander,
I'll come right
to the point.

Now, you're a woman,
and I'm a woman,

so I think we should
discuss this matter
as man to man.

I beg your pardon?

I don't know if you know it,
but my roommate,

a Jane Stacey,
works for your son.

I'm learning.

Naturally, since she's a girl
and he's a fellow,

you can't take
dictation all day.

Opposites attract.

You understand,
don't you?

You mean the relationship
between my son

and his secretary
is more than business.

My.

It's a pleasure to know
you're as sophisticated
as I am.

You see,
I know all about life,

because I'm
practically engaged.

Well, congratulations.

You see, Jane has one
terrible fault. She's...

[CLICKS TONGUE]

I can't even say it.

What is she, a neurotic?

Her religion has nothing
to do with it.

It's just that your son
has so much money

that she is drawn to him
like a maggot.

A maggot?

Of course,
I don't blame Jane

for being blinded
by gold,

because you know
how it glitters. Oh, yes.

But I don't think it's right
for her to marry Richard

just so she can
get the alimony

so she can marry Steve.

Steve?
Yes,

that's her other boyfriend,
the one she really loves.

Well, who, Al, Steve,
or Richard?

Please, Mrs. Rhinelander,
that would be bigamy.

I just don't know
what to say.

Well, the problem's yours.

I just thought
I'd tell you everything

so you'd know what to do,
so I'll tell you.

I'd just tell Richard
to forget all about Jane.

Goodbye, I'm off.

No more, thank you.

You were most generous
the first time. [LAUGHS]

MRS. RHINELANDER: Henry.
Yes, madam.

Short grapefruit juice.

Right.

Seymour. Fill it up.

Fill it up.

What's the matter
with you?

If you ain't gonna smile,

it's not a pleasure
to work with you.

Oh, dry up.

What kind of an attitude
is that to take?

Just because
you lost your dame,

you think the world
is coming to an end. Shut up.

Well, do you have to
walk around with a face
like that?

You gonna shut up or not?

I can talk if I wanna.
This is a free country,

and I got a perfect right
to squawk, too.

Yesterday, I was
on the road
to becoming a star.

Now I'm back at this.

I didn't mind
squeezing oranges
and lemons,

but the boss had to
put in grapefruits.

What's gonna happen
when he puts in
watermelons?

I won't have a hand left.
I'll have a paddle.

Seymour.
What?

That'll keep you quiet.

Steve?

Oh, gee, Steve,
I'm glad I found you.

Why?

Oh, excuse me.

Steve, Jane sent me.

She's cryin' her
heart out for you.

That's not the way
Al told it to me.

Don't pay any
attention to Al.

Look, Steve, I know Jane.
We're like sisters.

Of course, we're not
under the same skin,

but we're very close.

She's crazy
about you, Steve.

Yeah, but she likes
Park Avenue better.

No, she broke up
with Richard.

She sent me to tell you
she wants to see you tonight.

You're not kiddin'?
No.

You come to the house
tonight and find out.

When you get married,

you can name your
first child after me.

Oh, of course,
if it's a boy,

you'll have to call it
Mr. Peterson.

Goodbye.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Ms. Stacey?

Yes?

I'm Mrs. Rhinelander.

Richard's mother?

Yes.

Uh, oh, I...

Won't you come in?

Thank you.

[TITTERS]

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

Now, Ms. Stacey,
I'll come right
to the point.

I believe you have
a certain Ms. Peterson

living here with you.

You can imagine,
Ms. Stacey, how
horrified I was

when your roommate
told me... Oh, Jane, I fixed...

Fixed...

Oh, it's
the wrong apartment.

I live on another block.

Irma, my little pigeon,
you're trembling.

What's the matter?

Oh, professor, I'm sick.
Have you got an ice bag?

Oh, certainly.

You think Mrs. O'Reilly
gives me a deep freeze?

We'll take
the bottle of milk off,

you'll wear on your head.

Well, that
clarifies matters.

Now, Ms. Stacey,
knowing Richard
and having met you,

I can see why
he's interested
in you.

But I understand
from your roommate
that he's...

[BOTH LAUGH]

Well, as I was saying,

I understand
from your roommate

that there's
another young man,
Steve, involved.

Oh, well...
But naturally,

you find Richard
more attractive

because of his money.
Mrs. Rhinelander,

are you trying to imply

that I got the job
as... As Richard's
secretary,

so that I could marry
my wealthy boss?

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Not at all.

And I know.

How?
Ms. Stacey,

I was Richard's
father's secretary.

Oh.

But you married him,
didn't you?

Yes.

But I was
in love with him.

Good night, Ms. Stacey.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[EXCLAIMS]

Irma?

Irma Peterson,
I know you're up there.

Come down here this minute.
Do you hear me?

Well, Jane, what's new?

There are a few things
I want to talk...

Jane, can't you see
I'm sick?

[CRYING]

Jane, I'm sick.
I feel terrible.

Don't give me
that sick act,

because by the time
I'm through with you,

you'll have a relapse.

How dare you interfere
in my life,

and call on
Mrs. Rhinelander?

But, Jane, I was only
trying to help you.

You've been helping me

ever since
we moved in together,

and pretty soon
I'll be beyond help.

What can I say after
I say I'm sorry?

Well, I'm sorry
I ever moved in here
with you.

Irma Peterson,
listen to me.

You and I are through.

Our friendship
is at an end.

But, Jane...
And don't
"but, Jane" me.

I'm going out
with Richard tonight

if he'll still see me,
and when I get back,

if you're still
living here,

I'm going to move
to the YWCA.

But, Jane, are you a member?

[SCREAMS] I'll join!

[DOOR SLAMS]

Soakin' wet outside.

Chicken, how could you buy
a crazy hat like that?

[CRYING] Oh, Al.

Chicken, you're cryin'.
What's happened?

You didn't lose your job?
Oh, no, Al.

Oh, you had me scared
for a minute.

Chicken, don't worry
about anything,

because our future
has never been brighter.

As a matter of fact,

with Jane about
to hook Richard,

might be a double wedding.

Oh, Al,
you don't understand.

Jane doesn't want me
to live with her anymore.

What?

Jane refuses to live
with the sweetest,

most wonderful girl
in the world?

Why?

Just because I went
to Mrs. Rhinelander

to break up
Jane and Richard.

You went
to Mrs. Rhinelander?

Why, you...

Chicken, didn't I tell
you to do nothing?

But I thought...
With what?

Who told you to think?

But Jane
really loves Steve.

Who's talkin' about love?

Ain't bad enough
I lost my meal ticket,

you had to burn down
the bank.

Well, this is the end.

A wife is supposed
to help her husband

in sickness and health.

I'm sick of you,
and if I stick around,

you'll ruin my health,

so you and I are through!

Our engagement is off!

[CRYING]

Here's the engagement ring
you bought me.

[SNIFFLES]

[KISSES]

[SOBBING]

Irma?

Irma?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, stop playing
games, honey.

I didn't mean it.

Come back in.
Jane loves you.

Are you sure?

Because I just got
a phone call
from my mother.

Oh, well, that was just
some of Irma's work.

She thought that...
Oh, I don't care
what Irma thought.

I don't care
what my mother thinks.

Look, Jane.

I'm only interested
in what you think
about me.

Richard, need you ask?
Yes,

because I want to find out
about this fellow Steve.

Where does he fit in?

He doesn't.
Are you sure?

Oh, yes, I'm sure.
I'm... I'm through
with him.

I'll never see him again.

Oh, Jane.

I know this is
a little fast,

but ever since you came
to work for me,

I've been wanting
to tell you that...

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Jane, honey.

Oh, Steve, what are
you doing here?

I'm so glad
you sent for me.

That's cozy,
but what about me?

You?
Yes, me.

I happen to have
a date with Jane tonight.

What goes on here?

Yes, Jane,
what does go on here?

Well, I... I... I just
don't know what to say.

Well, I know what to do.

[SCREAMS]

Steve, how... How dare
you hit Richard?

It was easy.

[SCREAMS]

Richard, how dare
you hit Steve?

It was simple.

What goes on here?

Steve, my favorite client.

Been lookin'
all over for you.

Demand to know
who started
this trouble.

I'm glad
you asked that, Al.

You did.

Richard, are your
teeth all right?

Oh, Steve, what did
he do to your eye?

Jane, forget them two guys.

We got real trouble.

What's the matter?
Read it yourself.

"To whom it may concern.

"I have ruined
everybody's life,

"so now I am going
to ruin my own.

"P.S. Please do not
drag the river

"for my body
as I have hung myself.

"Guess who?
Irma Peterson."

Oh, Al, this is terrible.

JANE: Well,
don't just sit there.

Call the police.

Oh, only as the last resort.

It isn't that
I've got anything
against the police.

They're all right
as far as they go.

Trouble is,
every time they go,

they take some of
my friends with 'em.

Now let's not blow our tops.

Al, we've got
to do something.

If you don't care,
I do.

If I don't care?

Jane, how can you
say a thing like that?

Why, if anything happens
to my Chicken, I'll go crazy.

Oh, Lord,

if you bring back my Irma,
I promise you I'll...

I'll get a job.

What am I sayin'?

What am I sayin'?

Oh.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[TRAIN HORN BLARING]

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

Hello?

[JANE CRYING]

Janie, darling,
take it easy.

After all, the police
are doing all they can.

Irma,

my wonderful
little Irma.

Al, it's all your fault.

You used to
yell at her.

Don't pin no rap
on me, Jane.

Your vocal cords got
plenty of workout, too.

Yes, but I never
meant it.

Never meant it, either.

Love Chicken.
Love her dearly.

Just that she's so
hard to understand.

You see,
there's a thin line

between genius and insanity,

and the way that dame
kept swingin'
back and forth

made a nervous wreck
out of me.

But if I could
only see her again,

I would never yell

at my Chicken no more.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

JANE: Maybe it's Irma.

Hello.

Oh, it's you.

Certainly, it's me.
Hey, Steve,

I came over to tell you
we got fired.

Fired?

Can't you work
an orange juice stand
one night?

Well, not without you.

Every time I had to work
the cash register,

I hit five keys.

Oh, shut up
and sit down.

We have trouble here.
Irma committed suicide.

Oh.

I wish I knew
where she was,
I'd join her.

I didn't mean nothin'.

It's just because
we got fired.

I feel bad, too.

I can't do nothing now.
Everything...

[SCREAMS]

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Well, ladies
and gentlemen,

we're about to
call the winner

of the mammoth
$50,000 gift contest.

There goes
the giant wheel,

and someone will be
the lucky winner.

Our telephone operator
is waiting to call

the lucky winner,
who is...

Mrs. Hilda Klotz
of Keokuk, Iowa,

the mother of
32 children.

Al was right.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Hold it, folks.

Mrs. Klotz is disqualified.

She has no phone.

And there goes
the wheel again,

and the call goes to
Miss Irma Peterson...

Oh, that's me!
Just a minute.

...of 185 West
73rd Street, New York.

Wait a minute.
I'll be right there.

The orchestra will play
a short number

while our operator
calls her home.

Taxi! Taxi!

[PHONE RINGING]

Maybe it's the police.

Hello. What?

Irma Peterson?
They found her.

Oh, my wonderful Chicken,

cannot wait to see her.

Oh, shut up, Al.

Wh... Wh...
What are you saying?

You're trying to
locate Irma Peterson?

Yes, I know.

Is this the police?

I don't understand.

What?

What's the name
of what song?

The Lucky Jackpot Program?

How do you like that?

They're callin' Chicken
from the contest

and she has to pick
a moment like this

to knock herself off.

That dame never
had no consideration.

Hello, I'm sorry...
Jane, look.

Tell 'em
you're Irma Peterson.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I'm going to hang up.

Never, not with
50 grand at stake.

[IN FALSETTO]
Hello, I'm Irma Peterson.

Oh.
What's that?

Well, uh, uh,
I'm a very old woman.

I have a heavy cold.

You want to know
the name of the song

and who's singing it?

Just a moment.

Hey, hey, anybody
ever hear that program?

Al, you mercenary
monster, hang up.

Would you mind repeating
the question, please?

Well, the name of the song
you're playing is, uh...

Uh, is, uh...

Don't rush me, young man.

Irma, darling.

[PANTING]

Buttons and Bows.

It's Buttons and Bows.

What? Who's singing it?

Chicken, speak to me.
It's your Al.

If you love me,

tell 'em who's
singin' the song.

Bing Crosby.

Chicken, we won!
We won! We won!

Let me see now.

One of the airplanes,

we can sell to Joe
for smuggling purposes.

As for the armored car,

Mushie has always
wanted one.

Oh, must make a fortune
on this deal!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[PARROT SQUAWKING]

[DOG BARKING]

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
you can't imagine

the most incredible
display of gifts.

This apartment
is in a turmoil

and still the gifts
keep coming in.

Here is an oxygen outfit.

A new tire,
oil, another tire.

Oh, excuse me, horsey.

[SCREAMING]

[THUDDING]

Irma, honey,
what's the matter?

Oh, Jane, save me.
It's an octopus!

It's a diving suit.
Is it?

Now will you
please get dressed?

We've got to
get to the church.

Where do you want
me to put this, lady?

Nothing else goes in here.

Everything goes in
the other room.

Now, will you please
get out. You, too.

All of you.
Come on out of there.

But I haven't
finished my drapes.

I'm not interested
in your drapes.

Just get out.

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Irma, please hurry.

Well, don't worry
about me.

I'll be a bride
before you can
say "boo."

[SIGHING]
I'm so nervous.

Well, while
we're waiting,

we can have
a short rehearsal.

Without girls?
It's quite simple.

The best men can
act as substitutes
for the wives.

Yes, now, uh,

please take your
husbands' arms, ladies.

There, that's right.

And, uh, follow me
to the altar.

Happy, Jane?

More than
you'll ever know,
Steve, darling.

This way, Chicken.

Yes, Al, honey.

Let's try
the phone again.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Just think, honey,
in five minutes,

I'll be Mrs. Steve Laird.

And, after five years,
I'll be Mrs. Al...

Oh, I'm so nervous.

Don't worry, honey.

Nothing can happen
to us now.

I was wrong.

Anything can happen

if you live with
my friend Irma.