All language subtitles for Grindhouse.2007.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

[up-tempo music plays]

[narrator] They called him Machete.

[man] Seventy dollars a day for
yard work, a hundred for roofing.

Get in.

- One-twenty-five for septic. Sewage.
- Have you ever killed anyone before?

As you may know, illegal aliens,
such as yourself,

are being forced out of our country
at an alarming rate.

For the good of both our people...
our new senator must die.

And for that,
I will pay you $150,000... cash.

[narrator] He was given an offer
he couldn't refuse.

[Machete] I cost the most...
because I'm the best there is.

[grunts]

[narrator] Set up,
double-crossed and left for dead.

I took a vow of peace, and now you
want me to help you kill all these men?

Yes, bro.

I mean, Padre.

I'll see what I can do.

[tires screeching]

[narrator] He knows the score.

Where are my wife and daughter?

[narrator] He gets the women.

♪ He's bad

♪ Machete ♪

- [narrator] And he kills the bad guys.
- No!

Oh, shit.

[man] You mean that a Mexican
day laborer is a goddamn Federale?

- [men cheer]
- [narrator] But they soon realized...

He's coming after us.

...they just fucked
with the wrong Mexican.

- [groans]
- Action...

- ...suspense...
- [shouting]

- ...emotion.
- Please, Father, have mercy.

God has mercy. I don't.

If you're gonna hire Machete
to kill the bad guy,

you'd better make damn sure
the bad guy isn't you.

Machete.

Rated X.

Brought to you from your friends
at the Weinstein Company.

[up-tempo music plays]

[roars]

[up-tempo music plays]

[rock music plays]

You're real pretty tonight, Holly.

Goddamn it, girls! if you're gonna
do that shit, do it on stage!

Smoking hot. Phew.

Cherry Darling,
I told you too many fucking times,

you can't be up there crying
and all that shit.

Do you know what a go-go dance is?

- Useless talent number 12?
- No, it's a happy dance.

Get up there and you dance happy.
It's go-go, not cry-cry.

I'm quitting.

You say that
at least one night a week.

[sighs] I mean it this time.
I need a dramatic change in my life.

I've always said you're funny,

but if you don't stop crying,
I'm gonna fire your ass.

I don't want to fire your ass
because I like looking at your ass.

"Any girl leaving early
must check out with their finger

and have a bye-bye slip."

Here's my finger.

And here's my bye-bye slip.

We need some cash.

Dick! Fuck!

Aah! [grunts and groans]

Ass-bag!

Ow!

- [man] All right, boys. Come on.
- [indistinct chatter]

All right, all right. Come on.
You guys know the drill, huh?

Wait here, lieutenant. I'll handle this.

Hey, Abby.

I can see you've had
a spot of trouble, Romy.

Would you like to tell me what happened?

Uh, they escaped.

All three?

Yeah. I don't know, uh... I don't know
how they did it. Just, they got out...

I'm sorry, Romy,
but I just don't trust you anymore.

And you know the rules.

Oh, no. I'm out. I swear, Abby,
you're not gonna see me anymore.

- OK?
- [Abby] Not so fast.

I also want your balls.

I'm really quite attached to them.

Oh, sweetheart.
I was really attached to my specimens.

And now they're out there
in the night doing God knows what.

I can't do it, Abby, please.
Please, Abby.

Hey, hey! What are you guys...?!
[indistinct shouting]

You son of a bitch, Abby! Listen!
You don't need Abby. There's more!

There's more!
I could get you all you ever need!

Motherfucking pussies!
Let me go, you son of a bitch!

I can get you more! No! No!
[screaming]

Pick this up, please.

- [electrical squealing]
- [beeping]

Where's the shit?

The shit's right there.
The deal is still good.

No, it's not.

You held out on me.

Now I want all of it.

[men shouting]

[gasps]

[grunts and groans]

It looks like I got you
by the balls, Abby.

- You certainly have.
- So...

...I'll ask you one more time.

Where's...

...the...

...shit?

Everywhere!

[engine revving]

Oh, balls.

[tires screeching]

[engine sputtering]

Get that thing away from my pumps!

It's just overheating!
I need to get to town.

[panting]

[grunts] it's just
a stripped radiator cap.

- [hissing]
- Water leaks when it heats up.

No pressure.

- Are you OK?
- I'm just cherry.

Go on and have a seat anywhere.
I'll be right in.

- Here, take this with you.
- Not your good spring water.

Ain't nothing good about it.
I bottle it myself.

I get it right there out of the dam.

- Thanks, JT.
- We're serving inside tonight.

Best barbeque in Texas round the clock.

- I gotta go.
- Saving lives, are ya?

Now how did you know that?

[engine starts]

Now that's a rump roast.

I couldn't get off work this week.
But you only have to stay till ten.

[whispering] A friend will be here
before ten to pick up Tony.

♪ Going to eat your brains
and gain your knowledge

What did I tell you?
No playing with toys at the table.

- Didn't I tell you that?
- Yeah.

There's a packed suitcase under his bed.

Give it to Tony to take with him
when my friend picks him up.

I'll leave him watching TV.

But you need to be here
in the next 20 minutes. Thank you.

- [man] What happened to your tooth?
- Fell out.

Wow. Think you could say
a prayer for your old man?

- No dead bodies for Da-da tonight.
- No dead bodies for Dad tonight. Amen.

Amen.

- Who was that you were talking to?
- Babysitter. She's on her way.

- You believe her?
- No.

Me neither.

[grunts]

- Hey.
- [JT] Hey.

- How's it going, JT?
- All right.

- Still open, I see.
- Oh, yeah. All night.

- [dog whines]
- [JT] Free of charge.

Tonight is a special night.

- What's so special about tonight?
- Been open 25 years.

You're the second person
to show up tonight.

- Who's the first?
- Right there.

Must be passing through.
Seems only strangers eat here.

I still eat here, JT.

Oh, yeah, you sure do.

By the way, don't choke
on all that food you're eating.

Hello, Palomita.

I don't go by that name anymore.

So, you ever become
that fancy doctor?

Never did.

Thought for sure you would.
You talked about it enough.

That's the problem with goals,
they become the thing you talk about

instead of the thing you do.

That's my jacket.

I looked for it for two weeks.

- How long did you look for me, Wray?
- Jacket belonged to me, you didn't.

So, um... what are you doing now?

I'm going to be a stand-up comedian.

Really?

You're not funny.

That's what I've been trying to tell
everybody, but they say I'm hysterical.

But you're not.

There's a difference between
being frank and being dick.

Yeah, well, it's really good
seeing you again.

Oh, um...

...what name do you go by now? In case
I wanna catch one of your shows.

Cherry.

Cherry Darling.

Sounds like a stripper.

No, it sounds like a go-go dancer.
There's a difference.

Right.

Well... you'll always be
Palomita to me.

I need a ride.

What do you say El Wray?

I'll give you a ride.

Goodbye, Bill.

- Don't you mean "See you later?"
- Of course.

Hey, what's up, doc?

Little lady's looking
pretty good there.

Looks like she could suck
the bend out of a river. I'm kidding.

- Look at that shit.
- [Bill] What happened to your arm?

- Well, uh... I got bit.
- Bit? Bit by what?

Well, if I told you,
you probably wouldn't believe me.

Got some Bactine or something?

Ooh. Can't you just sew it up?

Well, normally, I would. I'd even be
doing something to stop the bleeding.

- Problem is, this one doesn't bleed.
- [man] Oh, shit. Check this out.

At this old military hospital, this one
guy came back from Iraq with this.

Ooh, chronic herpetic lesions.

When he urinated it came out through
these holes here, like a fountain.

Oh, Jesus. How'd you treat it?

Fuck that. I was never in Iraq.

Good for you. The shit they spread
around there you wouldn't believe.

I got Iraqi eyeballs a friend of mine
brought back to do some studies on.

Incredible. They were
completely milked over, mustard gas.

Actually, I still have those
in my fridge.

- It's a botfly, you think?
- Chronic, viral, ulcerative lesion.

That looks like gout.

- He's running a temperature of 105.
- [man] ls that bad?

- It's high.
- [man 2] Bad would be 108.

You can have a seizure, go psychotic...

...and probably die.

- Say "ahh."
- Aah.

- Oh! Jesus!
- Oh, nice. Black abscess tongue.

All abscesses should be drained, period.

- [mumbling] What are you doing?
- Shut up, Joe.

- [intercom beeps]
- Baby, get the needles.

- Be right there.
- [Bill on intercom] Right now.

Asshole.

It's spreading.

Holy shit.

[Bill] When did you say
you got this bite?

- [Joe] Just now.
- We gotta lose the arm, Joe.

- Lose the arm? What do you mean?
- It's spreading to your shoulder.

If we don't sever that arm now,
it's gonna take over your chest,

and we can't cut that off.

Well, shouldn't I get a second opinion?

Hi, Joe.

I'm going to give you
a very strong anesthetic

so you won't feel anything
during the procedure. These...

...are my friends. My yellow friend...

- ...is just to take the sting off.
- Ah!

My blue friend... you'll barely feel.

That means my yellow friend
is already taking effect.

See how fast my friends work?

And after my red-headed friend...

...you'll never see me again.

They all react differently.

- [car sputtering]
- Now what?

[man on radio] Dedicated to
Jungle Julia, in loving memory.

It's not the radiator.

Damn it!

- [gasps]
- [wind whistling]

Fucking thing. Cheap! [groans]

- [grumbling]
- [indistinct warbling]

Hey! Hey, hey!

Bastard! Bastard!

[gasping]

- [whimpering]
- [car accelerates]

- Hey! Hey!
- [horn honks]

- [screams]
- [man] Get outta the road, bitch!

[groans] Stop! Stop!
Please! Stop!

[screeching]

- [woman] No! No!
- [ripping]

- No!
- [grunting]

[growling]

What the hell is that?

- People picking up roadkill.
- What, like an armadillo?

Deer. We get a lot of them around here.

You know,
I read a statistic that said

that the eating of venison has risen
30 percent in the last few years.

Sixty percent of that's from roadkill.

People eat roadkill?

If you're driving out here
at 70 miles an hour

and a deer darts out in front of you,

if you blink or brake or swerve,
shit, you'll just kill yourself.

- So, what do you do?
- Pick 'em off. Just like this.

- Send it flying away from you.
- Unacceptable.

Oh, fuck!

[screams]

[truck hissing]

Cherry.

I thought you said if you saw a deer
you shouldn't fucking swerve!

That wasn't a deer.

- [screams]
- Cherry! Cherry! No!

[seatbelt clicks]

- [cocking rifle]
- [grunting]

- [growling]
- [Cherry] Ah!

Palomita.

- Don't let her die on me, Block.
- What do we got?

Car accident, heavy contusions about
the torso, possible spinal trauma...

...one severed limb.

Where's the leg?

Three sickos attacked her.
I shot at them.

I never miss.

They took the leg with them.

You have to come with us, Wray.
We need to talk about this.

- He has to sign her in.
- Do what now?

He's with her.
He's responsible for her.

He can fill this out after we talk.
Let's go.

What are you doing with a rifle, Wray?

Nothing. Was thinking about maybe doing
some hunting when the season breaks.

Come on, Wray. You know you're not
supposed to be doing that stuff anymore.

Here I stick my neck out for ya.

Now you've got a gal in your wrecked
truck with a missing leg?

A missing leg that's now missing?

And here you're saying in front of
everybody someone up and snatched it?

And that you shot them with a gun you
never should've had in the first place?

And that now they're gone?

Can we finish this conversation
somewhere else?

My thought exactly.

[man] Dr. Block,
three fresh ones rolling in.

- Christ, you're kidding.
- Automobile accident off Highway 18.

DOAs? Have Andy pick them up.

- That's unsanitary, doc.
- Helps me monitor my state of calmness.

Don't get worked up enough to crack it.

- Fuck!
- Might cut yourself pretty good.

Then I would know I was not calm.

What do you say now, doc?

- Somebody call my wife.
- [phone rings]

- Sheriff Hague.
- [JT] It's JT, sheriff.

JT, how's the barbecue business?

Ever since my bastard landlord
raised the rent, it's gone to shit.

I'm real sorry to hear about that.
I wish there was something I could do.

Right now, I ain't calling
my brother, I'm calling the sheriff.

I'm listening. What's the trouble?

[JT] There ain't no trouble,
not yet, anyway.

I got two delinquents been
hanging around here for over an hour.

They won't purchase,
and they won't leave.

- Never mind, here they come.
- You cook that meat at 250 degrees?

I don't remember.
I set the heat with my hand.

Give me that recipe or I'll raise
your rent higher than a Georgia pine.

Brother, ain't no Texan's
ever gonna give you his BBQ recipe.

That's a fact.
He'll take it to his grave.

I could be bleeding like a stuck pig,
I ain't gonna tell ya.

I could be dying in your arms,
I ain't gonna tell ya. [laughs]

We'll see about that.

[sighs]

You gonna look,
or are you gonna eat?

- You called for me?
- I need for you to see this.

- [woman] Looks like a no-brainer.
- [Bill] What does that mean?

No brain.
Scooped clean out of her skull.

[man] I know what this is.
Don't tell me. Liquefactive necrosis.

- [man 2] You think?
- Oh, sure.

Thank you, that'll be all.

[inhales, exhales deeply]

Did you know she was back in town?

No.

I didn't.

What happened to her?

I don't know, baby.

I thought you stopped seeing each other.

We have.

Well, yes, you have now.
She's fucking dead.

I mean, we stopped before.

I haven't talked to her in a while.

But you've written each other?

Here and there.

But nothing...

What're you doing?!

Let me see your last three messages.

- You have no right.
- I don't?

I don't have a right?

Show it to me.

- Show it to me.
- No.

Ahh!

Now that's just to take the sting off.

- Show it to me.
- No, please.

- [screams]
- Show it to me!

[needle drops on floor]

Now let's see how fast
your friends work.

[moaning]

That's pretty fast.

[beeping]

Oh, what do I know, my love?

Exactly.

That you're a cheating, lying...

...sack.

- I didn't want to hurt you.
- But you did.

Because you're insane.

And I was afraid
of what you might do to me...

...to our son.

I'm the mother of your son.

Ah!

And after this one...

...I'll never see you again.

- [man] Dr. Block?
- What?

- You've gotta see this.
- I'll be right there.

[gasping]

Where the hell are the bodies?

That's what we wanted to show you.
They're gone.

They didn't just get up
and walk out, did they?

[humming]

[gasping]

[gagging]

Shut the fuck up!
Somebody take care of this perp for me

- before I fucking kill him!
- What the hell is going on?

He was causing a ruckus
over at Skip's place, so I cuffed him,

and the son of a bitch,
he bit my goddamn finger off!

Quit your hollering
and get yourself a goddamn Band-Aid.

I'm not exaggerating, using colorful
speech. He bit my finger clean off!

Fucking shit!

Get out there and book him. I'll
fucking kill him if I have to do it.

Carlos, go get him.

Wray, you stay put.

[cocks gun]

- Are you sure he's in there?
- He was.

Motherfucker.

He's gone.

- Broke out the window.
- Where's my finger?

Found your ring.

Could it be the same guy
as your leg snatcher?

I didn't get a good look at mine.

[growling]

That him over there?

[Carlos screaming]

[Carlos continues screaming]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[growling]

- Wray!
- [growling]

Fuck.

You motherfucker!

[tires squealing]

- No, don't touch him!
- Why not?

- He's infected.
- With what?

- Everything.
- Wray!

Drop the fucking gun.

Where the fuck do you
think you're going?

- I'm gonna go get Cherry.
- Fine, but we're taking my car.

- I'm riding with you.
- [engine starts]

Don't make any sudden moves.

- [indistinct chattering]
- Viral infections.

- They came pouring in.
- [coughing]

Some are rapidly developing
coliform lesions. Highly contagious.

- What do you think?
- Self-preservation comes to mind.

Yeah. Let's get the hell out of here.

First, let me get my wife.

[saw whirring]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[shouting]

[gasping]

I love you, sweetie. There you go,
bunny rabbit. Come on, come on.

Open up now.

I want you to be around for a while.

I don't want you checking out just...

[grunts] Damn!

Ramona...

...you fart like a goddamn pack mule
since I've been back, goddamn!

[Hague] Hate to do this to you, Earl!
But we need every man on the job!

The shit has hit the fan!

Bring some guns and ammo!

Meet me at my brother's!

- I gotcha. I'll be there.
- [radio static]

You gotta eat quick, sweetie.
Come on.

- Oh, my.
- [growling softly]

Ah!

[panting, grunting]

Oh, my God.

[crying]

[grunts]

[engine revving]

[man screaming]

[tires screeching]

[people screaming]

[commotion continues]

What the hell is going on?

- Are you gonna give me a gun?
- Are you fucking kidding me?

[people screaming]

[grunting, screaming]

[Wray] Palomita?

- Get up. We're leaving.
- I can't walk.

So what? Get up!

- Get... [grunts]
- [screams]

Motherfucker! Look at me!

Look at me!

I was gonna be a stand-up comedian.
Who's gonna laugh now?

Some of the best jokes
are about cripples. Let's go.

- It's not funny. It's pathetic.
- Would you stop crying over fucking...

- ...spilt milk?!
- I have no leg!

[grunts]

Now you do. What do you think?

[indistinct screaming]

- You could carry me, Wray.
- Yeah? You never wanted that before.

Why start now?

Ahh!

This is fucking ridiculous.

The sheriff must've taken
the others to JT's. Get in!

[grunting] Goddamn it, wait for me.

[woman screams]

- My leg's stuck in the door.
- It's just wood.

- It's splintering!
- Will you just leave it alone?

Why is this happening to me?

Just do me a favor right now
and just stay strong.

Stay?

Yeah, baby, stay.

OK, my name is Electra. Fucking listen.

[speaking Spanish]

- [Tony] It's furry.
- [continues speaking Spanish]

It's a furry one.

El for Electra, Ame from Amelia.
Does that make any fucking sense?

[speaking Spanish]

You can call me whatever the fuck
you want. I don't give a shit.

- [doorbell ringing]
- [pounding on door]

- [speaks Spanish] You said ten!
- I'm sorry.

We can't be watching your kid
all goddamned night!

Your friend never showed up,
and we got shit to do!

That's right.

Then start doing it.

- [thud]
- [girl gasps]

Tony! We're leaving!

- Wait, my tarantula.
- Bring it, let's go.

And my turtle. And my scorpion.

We're not octopuses.
We can't carry everything.

- Octopi.
- Come on! Let's go.

Tony, what did I tell you? You can't
bring them all. Didn't I tell you that?

It's OK. They can live in the same tank.

- What about my pocket bike?
- It's in the trunk.

[screams]

Where you think you're going,
you fucking bitch?!

[gasps]

We're gonna fucking kill you!

[groaning]

[both screaming]

We're gonna kill you, bitch!

Are you sure you wanna do this?

[rattling]

Everybody grab a badge and a gun.
You're all deputies,

as of this moment forward,
except for you, Wray.

Nope.

- What do we got?
- Something's wrong up there.

JT always comes out and greets.
Let's go!

Try not to shoot yourselves.

Don't shoot each other.

But especially...

...don't shoot me.

[grunts]

[munching]

JT!

Go on! Get off him, Rusty!

Goddamn, JT.

- Yah!
- [cocks gun]

Ehh!

- [sighs]
- [chuckles] Barbeque?

Asshole.

- Damn good sausage link, JT.
- Best in Texas.

Must've passed out
after I killed those things.

Nice shooting.

Everybody, gather up supplies.
We head out in 20.

[horn blaring]

[honking]

I want you to open that for Mommy.

Now, take the gun.

Careful.

And if anyone
comes to the door that isn't me,

I want you to shoot them, OK?

I'm not kidding, Tony.
You shoot them.

Just like your video games.

You shoot them in the head.

What if it's Dad?

Especially if it's your dad.

[gasps] And be careful
where you point that thing.

You'll blow your own face off.
I'll be right back.

I love you.

[gunshot]

[moaning]

[sobs] Tony!

Hello, baby.

- [hair ripping]
- [groaning]

- [growling]
- [gasps]

Open!

Look what you did to our son!

Stay away!

Goddamn it, I told you
I didn't want to see you again.

Daddy!

Get your sorry ass in here!

If it's escape vehicles you want,
escape vehicles I got.

Right this way.

Watch that meat!

Meet my wife.

Jesse James custom Dominator.

I made Jesse a plate
of barbeque so good,

he made this baby for me
free of fucking charge. [chuckles]

Got anything that could
transport more people?

- Where's the top?
- Baby's chopped permanently.

Ain't got no roll bar,
chicken wire, none of that shit.

- No protection.
- And she's fast.

Nitrous injected, 350 horsepower engine.

Who are you? I mean really.
Wray's Wreckage?

That's what it says on your truck.

Are you a wrecker, Wray?

I'm nobody.

It's the easiest thing to remember.

So remember it.

Hey, you want some barbeque?

- Best in Texas.
- Aw, no thanks.

- What's the matter? You don't eat meat?
- Oh, I eat meat.

I also eat lots of shit.

- See this?
- What's that?

Shit-eating grin.

[laughing] You ought to be a comedian.

- What do you think of the leg?
- Oh, that's funny.

How's your stump?

They knocked it out something fierce.
Still can't feel a thing.

This must be the real Bone Shack.

- [sighs]
- [water bed sloshes]

- Old JT knows how to live.
- Like fuck he does.

- I like how you say "fuck."
- Good. Fuck you.

Fuck me?

Oh, so now you're the comedian.
Go ahead. Drop your pants.

That'll be good for a laugh.

I highly doubt that.

- That's my jacket.
- Yes, I know.

I looked for it for two weeks.

Look, you were being
an unbelievable dick.

I was walking out on you.

I was cold.
I took your fucking jacket.

So if you're gonna go on one of your
psycho, obsessive controlling rants

about a jacket, then fucking take it.

'Cause I'd rather fucking freeze than
fucking hear about it one more time.

- Did you find what was in the pocket?
- Fuck no.

Look for it.

No, the other one.

I was gonna give it to you,
but you left me.

You took the jacket.

[both] And I looked for it
for two weeks.

Read it.

"Two against the world."

Remember that?

I never forgot it.

Why'd you leave?

Because you didn't
believe in us or in me.

[film reel rattling]

[film slowing]

[all growling]

[Hague yelling]

I figured one of the new deputies
might end up shooting me,

- but not you, Tolo!
- Sorry! I'm sorry.

- Dumb-ass.
- You're gonna be all right.

McGraw is here
and a whole bunch of others.

Come on! Move your ass! Come on!

- [groans]
- [girls speaking Spanish]

[groaning]

What did I tell you, Tony?

Don't point the gun at yourself.

Didn't I tell you that?

Thank you for telling me about...
you know.

Don't mention it.
That's an order.

If I had known that you were...

...El Wray, I wouldn't have
given you such a hard time.

I didn't mean to be a prick about it.

"Need to know basis," that kind of shit.

Take this.

Do what you do best.

No, you're not.
Don't give him the gun.

Give him the gun, Tolo. [grunting]

Give him that gun.

Give him all the guns.

Holy shit.

That boy's got the devil in him.

We gotta fight them off.
Get to our vehicles.

- [woman] All right.
- [man] All right.

Everyone behind me.

- [growling, grunting]
- [screaming]

Outside, now!

[yelling indistinctly]

Goddamn you!

- Everybody back inside!
- [roaring]

You, Skip, front and center.

Go out front, start up the Kill Dozer.

We need it to transport
the other survivors.

You fucking crazy?
I'm not going out there.

- I'll cover you.
- [Skip] I'm not going.

- I never miss.
- Come on, Skip.

It's go-go, not cry-cry.

Cherry!

Oh, dear.

JT! You take whoever you can fit
in your convertible!

Everyone else on board!

- Skip, grab the twins! Come on with me!
- You take the chopper.

- I need someone else to drive my truck!
- I'll do it.

You're bleeding like a stuck pig,
your vision is blurred,

- and you're on your last leg.
- Anything else?

Don't wreck it.

Somebody grab the slaw. It ain't
no barbeque without coleslaw!

- I need a gun!
- Take this.

Fucking cool!

All right, y'all, head out.
I'll hold 'em off.

I can take care of myself.

Bye, daddy.

Remember how to ride a bike?

- Useless talent number 32.
- [revs engine]

Good. Anyone else have a car?

[brakes squeaking]

You sure you're OK driving this thing?

Hell, yeah.

Dakota! We're sorry about Tony.

Thanks.

You're engine is shot
and you've got three blown tires.

But I've got
a pocket bike in the trunk.

- Is it fast?
- Zero to 50 in four seconds.

You ride with her.

- I'm Cherry.
- You sure are.

Move out!

Damn shame.

- [dog barks]
- Rusty!

- [both scream]
- Goddamn it!

[moaning]

Sheriff, how much ammo we got?

Not enough.

Don't shoot! We're not infected!

[man] All survivors gotta come with us.

Especially you...

...El Wray.

I don't go by that name anymore.

[Cherry screams]

[grunting]

It's OK. It's OK.

We're here in quarantine
with the other survivors.

[coughing]

Where is here?

[Cherry] The old Army base.

El Wray?

That you?

He's with them.
I saw him in their convoy earlier.

I'm a scientist and a businessman.
Not military.

Which is why he's gonna tell us
what the fuck is going on.

They're stealing biochemical weapons.

- DC-2?
- Also known as Project Terror.

Designed to take out an entire populace
in a controlled, landlocked area.

You were supplying it to them.

So why'd they shut you out?

They found my supply.
It's under our feet.

Ten stories down.

The only treatment is a regimented
exposure to DC-2, itself.

- Delays the negative effects.
- They need it.

- Like a drug.
- Correct. We found that

a small percentage of people
are not affected by the gas itself.

And within this
small percentage lies a cure.

What do you want to do?

Mexico.

Put our backs against the ocean
and defend ourselves from there.

No. We have to get back to my lab.

This infection will spread
all over the world

to every man, woman and child,
unless I finish my antidote.

- You have an antidote?
- [door opens]

You! You! Come with us.

Move it! Move it, Peggy!

[grunts]

- You like Ava Gardner?
- Sorry?

Ava Gardner, do you like her?

Yeah, I guess.

I was just thinking that you, uh...

...kind of look like
Ava Gardner a little bit.

[elevator stops]

You got something you wanna say to me?

I have nothing to say to you.

You got nothing to say, huh?
That's funny.

'Cause I could've swore you just gave me
a "fuck you" look right now.

You wanna say "fuck you" to me?

Not at this moment.

Do you know what this is?

- A gun.
- It's simplicity itself.

You see, you point it
at what you want to die,

and you pull the little trigger here,
and a little bullet comes outta here.

And the little bullet
hits you right there.

And you know what?

You don't look like Ava Gardner no more.

Don't taunt me, tramp.

I am not one to be taunted. You got it?

Let me hear you say "I got it."

- I got it.
- You damn well better.

[elevator starts]

Tool.

That's it. I figured it out.

Salt. Got it all figured out. It's salt.

Blood is salty. That's all my sauce
needed was just a little more salt.

Just needed a little thickening agent,
you know what I'm talking about.

- What are you doing, JT?
- [JT] I gotta put more salt in it.

Do the same goddamned thing
the blood did.

Tell you what, brother,
that little bit of blood did the trick.

Don't do nothing stupid, JT.
I got it covered.

It's already got my sweat and tears.
Now all it needs is some blood!

- Drop the gun!
- JT!

[groaning]

- Do it now!
- OK, OK. Don't shoot!

JT, you all right?

- [JT grunts]
- [yells]

You all right, bro?

Goddamn it, I'm not
all right at all. Not at all.

- Wait here.
- Oh, I sure will.

[grunts]

Goddamn sauce.

[man on TV] Women in cages.

See them in action.

See them in love.

See them in terror.

White skin on the black market.

Soft flesh for hard cash.

Women in cages.

I'm gonna go get my dick wet.

She's got one leg.

Easier access.

You got a point.

Get the rest of this shit upstairs,
and we'll blow this entire floor.

[beeping]

- [mechanical whirring]
- [alarm sounds]

Get Lewis down here.

- He's getting his dick wet, sir.
- Get him the fuck down here now!

[inhaling]

[muffled grunts]

- [clicks on walkie-talkie]
- Lewis? Wilson?

[power generating down]

- Where are my men?
- I've got several right here.

- [squishing sounds]
- What the fuck's this?

They're balls, sweetheart.

I'm walking out of here
with the shit, Wray.

- Let us go.
- Tell me why we should.

- Because I earned it.
- How you figure that?

You want the story?
I'll spin it for you quick.

A termite's nest of caves
on the Afghan border,

me and my men, walking around
with our dicks in our hands

and our balls in our throats,
looking for America's most wanted.

- Bin Laden?
- Yeah.

For once, our intel was right on the
money. I come around a corner, bam,

- there he is, looking me in the eyes.
- Wait. You killed Bin Laden?

I put two in his heart,
one in his computer.

- So that was you?
- Yeah, that was me.

Class-A clusterfuck.
He wasn't supposed to be there,

we weren't supposed to be there,
and I sure as fuck

wasn't supposed to be the one
to punch his dialysis ticket.

So instead of a chest full of medals,
we got a face full of DC-2.

No cure.

That is not until we found somebody
from the other side

willing to sell us batches
of this shit.

Science comes first, but business
comes a close fucking second.

[Wray] Then you realized if you
could infect a large enough populace,

experiment on its survivors,
you'd find a cure.

I swore to my men that I'd do everything
in my power to keep them alive.

That's what I intend to do, Wray.

[gasping] Understand?

I never had a choice.

Neither do I, sir.

God bless you
and your service to this country.

- You're a doctor?
- [scoffs]

I was earlier tonight.

I always wanted to be a doctor.

Instead, I can do this.

[grunts] Useless talent number 66.

- I'm very pliable.
- A girlfriend of mine had a theory.

She said at some point in your life...

...you find a use for every
useless talent you ever had.

- It's like connecting the dots.
- I'm not that optimistic.

I feel like I'm sinking down the drain
and I can't get out.

She'd say... when you're stuck
in that spiral...

...you reach up.

What if there's nothing up there?

Just reach up.

- You're a dancer.
- I was earlier tonight.

Well, I'm pulling you out of retirement!

[grunting, groaning]

Get your ass up!

Now I'm starved for entertainment, baby,
and that means you. Radio!

[♪ Nouvelle Vague:
I'm Too Drunk To Fuck]

Well, baby, now!

That's what I'm talking about.
Dance it up.

Keep dancing!

I have seen me some crazy-ass shit
in my day...

...but I ain't never seen me
a one-legged stripper.

I've seen me a stripper
with one breast...

...and I've seen me a stripper
with 12 toes...

...and I've seen me a stripper
with no brains at all...

...but I ain't never seen me
a one-legged stripper.

And I've been to Morocco.

Dance, bitch!

Break a leg.

Break it off!

- [gasps]
- Dance for me, motherfucker.

- [grunts]
- [screams]

[grunts]

You thought it was pretty funny,
didn't you?

Actually, yes.

You gave me some wood,
now I'm gonna give you...

...some fucking wood!

[groans]

[gasps]

Your gas! You need your gas!

No, fuck the gas! Fuck it!
I'm just gonna have to make this quick!

[gasping]

[laughs]

[grunts]

- Where did you get that?
- Useless talent number 37.

[screams]

[growls]

[pounding on door]

- I broke my leg.
- [Wray] That's OK.

I made you something.

I do believe in you. Always have.

I believe that you could be better.

You deserve better...

...even better than me.

- Right now, I need you to become...
- [gun cocks]

...who you're meant to be.

Stand.

I'd stand clear if I were you.

Open that door, will you, baby?

[grunts]

[music keeps playing on radio]

They've destroyed most of the tanks.

Any that are left we'll get
on our way to the helicopters.

There are two helicopters,
big enough to take all of us.

Who can fly?

Can anyone else fly a helicopter?

I can fly, but no way in hell
I'm gonna fly tonight.

OK, cool. I'll fly.

Let's go.

I think we're gonna stay here, Wray.

You'll take care of this
for me then, sheriff?

- With pleasure.
- Three minutes.

- Your brother's a good man, JT.
- Best in Texas.

Hop on.

- No, the other way.
- Oh.

No, the other way.

The helicopters are on
the other side of this wall.

[indistinct yelling]

We make a run for it!

No! If we all get killed,
there's no stopping this plague.

Don't you get it?
We're the antidote!

- Well, is there another way around?
- Wait here.

I don't suppose there are any
other biochemical engineers around?

Take that as no.

We have to get over that wall.

I was thinking we could build us a new
place right there where the old one was.

You cook, I work the back.

You don't make that rent
so goddamn high.

You share the recipe,
we share the rent.

Start at 250 degrees.

I knew it. For how long?

- Twelve pounds?
- Sure.

Twelve pounds, 12 hours.

- Wrapped in tin foil, right?
- I don't use no goddamn foil.

Damn. Tomatoes? Fresh?

Canned.

- No shit?
- Yeah.

- Score me some?
- Oh, yeah.

'Cause we're brothers.

Thank you for this.

You just remember you got to take
this recipe to your grave.

I think I can goddamn guarantee that.

[breathes heavily]

That's our cue.

Cherry Darling...

...it's all you.

Let's go!

[growls, grunts]

[groans]

Wray!

Damn it, Wray!

OK, you need to get up
'cause we're leaving.

They told me I'd find you here.

I was beginning to lose hope.

I'm sorry... but I lied.

I did wanna hurt you.

My turn.

No more dead bodies for Daddy tonight.

Never did like that son of a bitch.

About as useless as a pecker on a pope.

- Don't touch anything.
- I want to fly it!

- He said not to touch anything!
- You don't know what you're doing!

I do know what I'm doing! Shut up!

Shut up! Sit down
and don't fucking touch anything!

[helicopter engines starting]

Everybody sit down!

Whoo! [cheers]

Hit the wipers.

- Go on, leave me.
- I am not leaving you here like this.

The motherfuckers around here
eat roadkill.

See? I'm funny.

- I made you laugh.
- [Wray] Go to the ocean.

Put your backs to it,
protect yourselves there.

I'm not leaving you, Wray.

It's two against the world.

It will be.

I promise.

I never miss.

- [whimpers]
- Don't worry, baby.

You'll find your way.

- [sobs]
- [gasping]

- [sobbing]
- [helicopter approaching]

Reach up!

Reach up!

[♪ Rose McGowen:
Two Against the World]

[vocalizing]

[Cherry] It's like you said
it would be, Wray.

I'm like you said I would be.

I find the lost...

...the weary...

...those that have no hope.

I find them and I lead them...

...to a land we've made for ourselves.

The land by the sea.

- [howling]
- [horse whinnies]

[woman continues vocalizing]

[Cherry] It's beautiful.

She's beautiful.

I wish you could see us... us two.

It's like you said it would be.

Two against the world, baby.

Two against the world.

[upbeat generic music playing]

[narrator] This film is a brilliant
achievement in motion picture history.

Finally, the truth
about Hitler's diabolical plans

to create a race
of superwomen can be told...

[wolf howling]

Werewolf Women of the SS!

Welcome to Death Camp 13,

home of the Nazi's diabolical plan
to create an army

of super-werewolf soldiers.

This project, it's failure...

...will be your demise.

- And the end of Germany, Boorman.
- Heil Hitler!

You have been chosen!

[chuckling] Rejoice!

[screaming]

I have found the perfect solution...
the She-Devils of Belzac.

[singing sultry German song]

[narrator] Can they, alone, supply the
blood needed to save Hitler's mad dream?

[woman screaming]

Or, will the pride of Germany
fall into ruin?

This is my project!

We are now in total control
of pure wolf.

This is an outrage!

[upbeat choral singing]

- [cheering]
- [gunfire]

- Silence!
- [narrator] Featuring Udo Kier,

Sheri Moon Zombie,

Tom Towles,

Sybil Danning,

Bill Moseley...

[clanging]

...and Nicolas Cage

as... Fu Manchu.

This is my Mecca!

[maniacal laughter]

[wolf howling]

Werewolf Women of the SS!

Written and directed by Rob Zombie.

[upbeat generic music playing]

[eerie music playing]

[narrator] If you...

...are thinking...

...of going...

...into...

...this house...

- [roaring]
- [screaming]

...don't.

If you...

...are thinking...

...of opening...

...this door...

...don't.

If you...

...are thinking...

...of checking out...

...the basement...

[moaning]

[moaning, groaning]

- [screaming]
- ...don't.

Don't look behind...

Don't look in there...

Don't look up...

Don't look anywhere.

[screaming]

Don't scream for help.

- [growling]
- Don't move a muscle.

[screaming]

Don't even breathe.

Don't, don't, don't, don't,

don't, don't, don't,

don't, don't, don't,

don't, don't, don't,

don't, don't, don't,

don't, don't!

If you are thinking
of seeing this film alone...

...don't!

[narrator #2] 'Don't'.

- [whistling]
- [heavy breathing]

[narrator] This holiday season...

...prepare to have
the stuffing scared out of you.

[screaming]

Thanksgiving.

In the town of Plymouth, Massachusetts,

the fourth Thursday in November

is the most celebrated day of the year.

[band playing upbeat tune]

The table is set.

The festivities have begun.

One uninvited guest has arrived.

And this year,
there will be no leftovers.

[people screaming]

[chaotic yelling]

Thanksgiving.

[girl giggling]

[narrator] White meat, dark meat...
all will be carved.

[groaning]

[screaming]

Thanksgiving.

Come on, Judy, how about it?

- Happy Thanksgiving, baby.
- [chuckling]

[man grunting]

[screaming]

Thanksgiving.

- Cool it, Judy!
- [sobbing]

You're safe.

Bobby's here.

[screaming]

It's blood.

Son of a bitch.

- [narrator] Arrive hungry...
- Happy Thanksgiving, Grandma!

- ...leave stuffed.
- [all gasping]

From Director Eli Roth...

...Thanksgiving.

You'll come home for the holidays...
in a body bag.

[all whimpering]

This February.

[upbeat generic music playing]

[man] Get more out of life.

Go out to a movie.

[marching band music playing]

[upbeat generic music playing]

[wild animal sounds]

[lion roaring]

[thunder crashing]

[lion roaring]

[engine revving]

[♪ Jack Nitzsche: The Last Race]

[engine revving]

[car honks]

[Arlene] Hold on, I've got to come up!

I've got to take
the world's biggest fucking piss.

- We can't be late!
- We won't!

[cars honking]

- Who's holding?
- If you're not, then nobody.

- We were kinda hoping you were.
- How are you not holding?

Jesus Christ, Shanna, it is
not my fucking job to supply y'all

- with weed when we go out.
- Whoa, whoa, little lady... [chuckles]

You're getting angry kinda quick,
don't you think? I was just teasing you.

I'm not angry. It just would be nice
if y'all didn't just count on me

all the fucking time, and surprise me
every once in a while with pot.

OK, mean girl in a high school movie,
you through having a tantrum?

- I'm not having a tantrum.
- All right, come on, guys. Don't fight.

I'll pay for it when we get some.

One, it's not about the money. It is
about the pain in the ass of scoring.

And two... We're not really fighting.

Arlene, you've forgotten what
hanging out with Jungle Julia is like.

That wasn't a fight. That was Julia
acting like a grumpy bitch

and me calling her on it
and indulging her at the same time.

Oh, billboard!

[all cheering]

OK, is Christian Simonson
gonna be there?

Bet your ass he is.

Christian Simonson,
the filmmaker, is in town.

He's got a big thing for Julia.

If he had a big thing for me,
he'd fucking call me

as opposed to disappearing
for six months.

And he'd get his ass
down here more often than he does.

And on my birthday,
he'd give me a fucking phone call.

But other than that,
he's putty in my hands.

So, what's the plan, man?

Margaritas and Mexican food
at Guero's, touch base

with Chris and Jesse, tell them about
later, and make damn sure they come.

Those other guys'll be waiting for us
to join them at the Texas Chili Parlor.

Oh, shit. Speaking of which, what
happened with you and Nate last night?

Well, you know, not much.
We just fucking met each other.

If you don't bust their balls a bit,
they never gonna respect you.

OK, we're clear on what
it is you didn't do.

How about enlightening us
on what it is you did do?

Nothing to write home about.

We just made out
on the couch for about 20 minutes.

- Dress, half-dressed, or naked?
- Dressed.

I said we made out,
we didn't do "the thing."

[gasps] Excuse me for living,
but what is "the thing?"

You know, it's everything but.

- They call that "the thing?"
- I call it "the thing."

- Do guys like "the thing?"
- They like it better than "no thing."

[all giggle]

OK, I want to get back
to what it is you did do.

So you're making out
on the couch with Nate, right?

Correct.

- Whose couch, his or your hotel room?
- What am I, stupid over here? Mine.

Were you making out
sitting up or lying down?

We started sitting up,

- we worked our way to lying down.
- The plot thickens. Who was on top?

I was straddling him.

- So, what about tonight?
- We'll see, Shanna.

I mean, I like Nate and all.
He's cute. He's a pretty good kisser.

- But it ain't a done deal.
- Ah, fuck Nate.

He's cute and all but
Jesse Letterman's gonna be all over her.

- Jesse Letterman, the director?
- He's a good friend.

- Maybe they can bring some pot.
- Fuck that. No!

I don't want to be either,
A: Depending on their fucking ass,

or B: Dependant on their ass.
Uh-uh. If we don't score ourselves,

we're gonna be stuck
with them all fucking night.

- Oh! Try Lanna Frank.
- Best idea you had all day.

Oh, hey, that's your
last billboard before Guero's.

Oh, come on. Give me a break.

Oh, come on, my ass.
We said every time!

OK.

[all cheering]

[car playing rock music]

Jules, let me get a drag. Thanks!

[door squeaking]

[engine humming]

[engine races]

[engine revs, tires screech]

[indistinct chatter, laughing]

Hey, this is...
my UT days, Arlene.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You want to join us?
- For a second, I'm with some friends.

Ooh...

So you must be... must be...
you must be the infamous Butterfly.

Shh!

- She don't know nothing about it.
- Know about what?

- When were y'all gonna tell her?
- Soon.

- Tell me what?
- Now thanks to you,

we gotta tell her sooner than later.

Cut the shit.
What the fuck is going on?

I said a little something
about you on the air today.

Julia, what the fuck did
you say about me on the radio?

All I said was,
I had a sexy friend named Butterfly

who's in from out of town
for the weekend.

And we would be going out
somewhere in Austin tonight.

And if they were out on the town
maybe they'd see us,

and I described you, and I said that
if they spotted you while we were out

if they'd do something,
you'd do something.

OK, now Julia, I'm serious. What did
you say and what did you say I'd do?

Anyhoo, I could explain what I said,
which would be boring,

or Marcy over here,
who is an incredible actress

could act it out for you,
which I think

will give you a better idea
of what you have in store for you.

OK, so just tell me your way.

- We'll act it out with Marcy?
- Sure.

- OK, give Marcy your drink.
- Thank you.

OK, so you're in a club or a bar
and Marcy is a kind of cute,

or kind of hot, or kind of sexy,
or better be fucking hysterically funny,

but not funny-looking guy
who you could fuck.

- Got it.
- OK, Marcy. Take it.

- Howdy.
- [sighing] Hi, there.

[chuckles, speaks in manly voice]

Excuse me, but your name
wouldn't be Butterfly would it?

Yes, it is, and it seems
you have me at a disadvantage.

- Barry.
- Pleased to meet you, Barry.

- Y'all are getting me hot.
- Shh!

So, is Butterfly your real name?

Yes, it is. And how did you know
my name, Barry?

I listened to Jungle Julia's
show this morning.

- Oh, you did, did you?
- Oh, yeah.

- I listen to her show every morning.
- Oh, you do, do you?

Yeah, she's like
the coolest lady in town. [chuckles]

- Don't you think she's got a big ass?
- Nah, man. I like her ass that way.

- She got a black girl's ass.
- [laughs]

That's what she says,
but in actual fact,

she doesn't really have
a black girl's ass.

- She's got a big ass.
- OK, what the fuck are you doing?

Oh, look who wants
to get to the point.

OK, we'll get to the point but,
for your information, skinny bitch,

black men and a whole lot
of motherfucking white men

have had plenty fun adoring my ass.

I don't wear their teeth marks
on my butt for nothing.

If you're not gonna buy me a drink
can I have mine back?

No, OK, OK, OK, OK.

[in manly voice]
So Butterfly, can I buy you a drink?

- I'd love one.
- What can I get you?

- I'll take a margarita.
- [chuckles] Here you go.

So, after they buy you a drink,
when they raise their glass to toast,

they look you dead in the eye
and repeat this poem:

The woods are lovely,
dark and deep

And I have promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep

Did you hear me Butterfly?

Miles to go before you sleep.

And then, if they say that...

- ...you gotta give them a lap dance.
- What?

- [laughs]
- If they call you Butterfly,

buy you a drink, repeat that poem,
you gotta give them a lap dance.

That's bullshit.
I ain't giving them nothing.

You can do it or not.

But if you don't, everybody in Austin's
gonna think you a chickenshit.

And I don't think you want everybody in
Austin thinking you're a chickenshit.

I ain't giving nobody no lap dance
'cause of what you said.

Look, you don't have to do it
for anyone you don't want.

I said you'd do it for
the first guy who says it, so...

...some geek comes over
trying to be cool,

just tell him you already did it
at another place earlier.

No harm, no foul,
but you get a free drink out of it.

But maybe, a little later in the
evening, you've had a few drinks,

you're kind of loosey-goosey,
you're safe with your girls,

then some kind of cute, kind of hot,
kind of sexy, hysterically funny,

but not funny-looking guy
comes up and says it.

Then, maybe you did it earlier,
maybe you didn't.

[♪ Smith: Baby it's you]

[indistinct chatter]

[rock music continues]

[cheering]

- Any dead soldiers here?
- These two. Thank you.

- Where the hell is Lanna Frank?
- That's a good fucking question.

[giggles]

Lanna Frank, where are you?

Well, come over already.
We're waiting for you.

- [jukebox blaring]
- Shit! Hold on!

[♪ T. Rex: Jeepster]

So where are you?

Come over already.
We're waiting for you.

No, we are not coming over there.

You come over here
like you said you would.

So, is it Shauna and the girls
at the lake house this weekend?

- Shauna?
- Oh, fuck, I...

Now, there is one thing that every girl
in the whole world whose name is Shanna

has in common with each other.
We all hate the name Shauna.

And we really hate it
when you call us Shauna.

[jukebox music fading]

[♪ Pino Donaggio: Sally and Jack]

Just remember, it's Shanna Banana,
not Shauna Banauna.

OK, but at some point in the evening,
I had fuckability stock.

- Yeah, I mean...
- [phone beeping]

...it wasn't bullish, but...

[piano music continues]

[rock music resumes]

OK, Warren is sending over shots
and you know the house rule.

If he sends over shots,
you've got to do them.

- What?
- Hey, them's the rules, baby.

Warren says it, we do it!

I love that philosophy.
"Warren says it, we do it."

- So, let's do it.
- What is it?

Hey, shots first, questions later.
Here we go, post time!

[Warren grunts]

[all yelling]

Woo-hoo!

- [Julia hollers]
- [all groaning]

Now, is that a tasty beverage
or is that a tasty beverage?

- What the fuck is it?
- Chartreuse.

The only liquor so good
they named a color after it.

[laughs]

- Who's down for dos Chartreuse?
- [cheering]

Not me. [chuckles]
I'm going out for a smoke.

OK, but careful where you keep
that hot flame, all right?

- [Warren] Blow up the joint.
- [door creaks]

[rain splattering]

[♪ Eddie Floyd: Good Love, Bad Love]

Drinks! What can we get you?

- Shanna Banana?
- Another big-ass Long Island iced tea.

- Bombay Sapphire and tonic. No ice.
- Good boy.

[chuckles]

[rain splashing]

Oh, hey, Punky, one of the lights is off
in the parking lot. Flip it!

[clicking]

[♪ Pacific Gas & Electric: Staggolee]

[crunching]

Look, you can't look like you're
trying to get her out of here

before Christian Simonson shows up,

but you gotta get her out of here
before Christian Simonson shows up.

What's the point? They're going
to Shanna's daddy's house at Lake LBJ

and it's no guys. Absolutely no guys.

OK, so after we bring the girls drinks,

in fairly rapid order, but not obvious,
we order two more rounds of shots.

[chuckles]
You think they're gonna fall for that?

We'll be very convincing.
Now it's time to turn up the volume.

No more fucking around.
We go to Jäger shots.

[chuckles] Man, they're not gonna
drink Jäger shots.

As long as the guy's buying the booze,
a fucking bitch will drink anything.

We can at least get one shot of Jäger
down these fucking bitches' throats.

After that, we'll see
if they got another Jäger in them.

You never know.
That could be the shot

that puts them
past the point of fuck-it.

Then all of a sudden,
"no guys at the lake house"

turns into "a couple guys
at the lake house."

My point exactly.

[snickering]

Dude, check it out. I wonder
if BJ brought the bear with him.

[crunching]

Jesus.

[humming]

[laughs] The dude fucking cut himself
falling out of his time machine.

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

[Julia] Where did you two
disappear to?

I had to get something out of the car
and Nate was gentlemanly enough

to escort me with his umbrella.

Ah... Good for you, Nate.

See that pretty girl sitting
by herself at the bar?

Who, the dirty hippie?

- Meow. She's not a hippie.
- She might as well be a hippie.

[chuckles]

Thank you, Timmy boy.

Well, do you know what
just happened to her?

No, but I know she's
a skinny fake blonde bitch.

[laughing]

Oh, I'm sorry. You were telling a story.
What about her?

- [chuckles]
- [phone rings]

[Pam] Hey, Warren!
Is there anybody in this place

you can vouch for
to give me a ride home?

- [clattering]
- Fair lady, your chariot awaits.

You've been eavesdropping?

[chuckles] There's "eavesdropping"
and "can't help but hear."

I think I belong in the latter category.

So, uh, Icy Hot,
you offering me a ride home?

I'm offering you a lift, if when
I'm ready to leave, you are, too.

And, when are you thinking
about leaving?

Truthfully, I'm not thinking about it.

When I do,
you will be the first to know.

Will you be able to, uh, drive later?

I know looks can be deceiving
but I'm a teetotaler.

I've been drinking club soda
and lime all night.

Now, I'm building up
to my big drink.

- Which is what?
- A virgin piña colada.

OK!

Why would someone who doesn't drink
spend hours at a bar drinking water?

You know, a bar offers all kind
of things other than alcohol.

Hmm, really? Like what?

Women.

Nacho Grande platters.

The fellowship of some fascinating
individuals, like Warren here.

Fair enough.
So what's your name, Icy?

Stuntman Mike.

Stuntman Mike's your name?

You ask anybody.

- Hey, Warren. Who is this guy?
- [Warren] Stuntman Mike.

- And who the hell is Stuntman Mike?
- [Warren] He's a stuntman.

[chuckling]

[laughs] Warren!
Six shots of Wild Turkey!

[whirring]

[♪ Joe Tex: The Love You Save]

[girl chuckles]

[Warren] Hey, if it ain't Lanna Frank.

- [kisses] Hey, baby.
- [Lanna Frank] How are you?

Hey, you.

- [coughs]
- What's shaking, bacon?

[chuckles] Hey.

- Holas, bitcholas.
- It's about fucking time.

Well, beggars can't be choosers.

Take a picture, it'll last longer.

What?

That table, it seems to keep
getting your attention.

Is that the girl
from the billboard outside?

- Yep!
- She sure is a striking-looking woman.

You got gin, tequila, Jäger...

- Look at that hair.
- Lots of leave-in conditioner.

Is that jealousy I detect?

Hardly. But, if you want
to get with Jungle Julia,

- there's a real easy way to do that.
- Really?

- And what would that be?
- Get famous.

You won't have to find her.
She'll find you.

And you don't even want to know
what she did for that billboard.

Enjoy it, cocksucker.
You've earned it.

- What did she ever do to you?
- We went to school together

from kindergarten through high school.
That's what she did to me.

She was her height right now at 12.

She was a monster. Half the guys
she still fucks from the old class

she used to beat up and
terrorize in the fifth grade.

I see. She used to beat you up
and take your chocolate milk?

That pituitary case might have
kicked my ass a couple of times.

Sorry, I'm built like a girl,
not a black man,

but I'd die before I ever gave
Julia Lucai my chocolate milk.

- [rain splattering]
- [music continues]

- Hey, are you famous or something?
- Or something.

No, no, no, no, really.

Hey, what do you do?

Really? What I do is work my ass off to
get my own record label off the ground.

But why that girl wanted a picture
of me is because I'm a local DJ.

Wait a minute.

You got a billboard by
Big Kahuna Burger don't you?

Yeah.

I got one there too, Zatoichi.

Yeah.

- Jungle Julia Lucai.
- Stuntman Mike McKay.

Well, good to meet you, Stuntman Mike.

Now my friends and I are going
to continue to get our weed on.

- Would you care for some?
- Thank you, Julia.

- But just the same, no thanks.
- Suit yourself.

But you know...

[grunting]

[gasping]

Oh, shit.

I gotta sn...

Sorry, nothing.

What the fuck was that?

[Warren] Actually, I do want you
to have a shot. [laughs]

You got some voucher here.
I asked him what movies you worked on,

no fucking clue.

Well, I really don't know
if he's ever done anything for sure.

I mean, he shows me an episode of
High Chaparral, a guy falls off a horse

he says it's him.

[Warren laughs]

You know the show The Virginian?

Yeah, well, there was another actor
on that show, Gary Clarke,

and I looked like him a bit.

Well, obviously before
I cut myself shaving.

Aw, I like it.

Well, damn, if ain't so sweet you
make sugar taste just like salt.

Anyway, I did a lot of Virginians
doubling Gary Clarke.

And then that show turned into
The Men of Shiloh,

they brought on
Lee Majors and I doubled him.

From that point on,
I specialized mostly in car stunts.

I did damn near the whole
third season of Vegas.

I was Robert Urich's driving double.

And then Bob did another show, Gavilan,

and he brought me with him
on that until...

And after that...

Do you know any of these shows
or people I'm talking about?

- Sorry. No?
- No.

So, how exactly does one become
a stuntman, Stuntman Mike?

[sighs] Well, in Hollywood,
anybody fool enough to throw himself

down a flight of stairs can usually
find somebody to pay him for it.

[giggles]

But really, I got into the business the
way most get into the stunt business.

How's that?

- My brother got me in it.
- Who's your brother?

- Stuntman Bob.
- [Pam snickers]

[beeps]

[beeping]

- I'm ready to blaze.
- Finally, yeah.

You need to catch up with us.

- Now the party can start.
- Yep.

Anyhoo, I'm sorry.
You forgive me?

But you have to be real nice to me
for the whole rest of the time I'm here.

[laughs] Promise.
You ready to go to the lake?

- Hm-hm.
- How about your little friend?

- You want to bring him?
- I thought no boys.

You want him to come,
Shanna won't mind.

So how about it?
Boys or just us girls?

- [mumbling] Us girls.
- Good idea.

[Stuntman Mike] Ladies.

Thanks.

Cheers, Butterfly.

The woods are lovely dark and deep

And I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep

Did you hear me, Butterfly?

Miles to go before you sleep.

- Sorry, Stuntman Burt.
- Mike.

Mike, she already broke off that dance.

Is that true?

Did I miss my chance?

Do I frighten you?

Is it my scar?

It's your car.

[sighing] Yeah, I know. Sorry.

[inhaling] It's my mom's car.

Have you been following us?

[chuckles] No, but that's what I love
about Austin. It's just so damn small.

- You've seen this guy before?
- Outside of Guero's.

And I saw you outside of Guero's, too.

You saw my car, I saw your legs.

Now, look, I ain't stalking you all,
but I didn't say I wasn't a wolf.

- So, you really weren't following us?
- I'm not following you, Butterfly.

I just got lucky.

So, how about that lap dance?

[Julia] Sorry, it was a one time
only offer and she did it at Antoine's.

No, she didn't.

- How do you know?
- I'm good that way.

- And you look a little touchéd.
- What's touchéd?

- Wounded slightly.
- Why should I be wounded?

Because you expected guys
to be pestering you all night,

but from your look, I can tell
nobody pestered you at all.

That kind of hurt your feelings a bit,
didn't it?

There are few things as fetching
as a bruised ego on a beautiful angel.

So...

How about that lap dance?

I think I'm gonna have
to give you a rain check.

Well, since you'll be leaving
in the next couple of days

that rain check will be worthless.
[sighs]

But that's OK.

I understand if
I make you uncomfortable.

You're still a nice girl
and I still like you.

But I must warn you of something...

You know how people say... [mimicking
John Wayne] "You're OK in my book?"

Or, "In my book, that's no good?"

Well, I actually have a book.

And everybody I ever meet
goes in this book.

And now I've met you
and you're going in the book.

[Arlene chuckles]

Except, I'm afraid I must file you...

- ...under "Chickenshit."
- And what if I did it?

Well, I definitely couldn't file you
under "Chickenshit" then, now could I?

What's your name again?

- Stuntman Mike.
- Well, Stuntman Mike, I'm Butterfly.

My friend Jungle Julia over here says
the jukebox inside is pretty impressive.

- Yeah, it is.
- Yeah.

Why don't you go get ready
for your lap dance?

[sighs]

- [indistinct chatter]
- I'm driving.

- Ready to go?
- Yeah. Bye.

- [Arlene] Bye.
- [Julia] Bye.

- I think you got Mike laid tonight.
- [both chuckle]

[Julia] Looking good,
Cannonball Run!

He's just giving me a ride.

- Oh, no doubt.
- Have a nice ride.

[both laugh]

Look, double fucks.

- Uh-uh, I am not gonna fuck him.
- I can hear you.

[both laugh]

- He's old enough to be my dad.
- I can still hear you.

[girls chuckling]

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

Wow, that's fucking scary.

Yeah, well, I wanted it to be
impressive, and scary tends to impress.

Is it safe?

It's better than safe,
it's death proof.

How do you make a car death proof?

Well, that's what stuntmen do.

You've seen a movie where a car
gets into some smash up

there ain't no way in hell
anybody's walking away from.

- Yeah.
- How do you think they accomplish that?

- CGI?
- [laughs]

Well, unfortunately, Pam, nowadays
more often than not, you're right.

Back in the all or nothing days,
the Vanishing Point days,

the Dirty Mary Crazy Larry days,
the White Line Fever days,

real cars smashing into real cars
with real dumb people driving them.

So, you give the stunt team
the car you want to smash up,

they take her and reinforce
that fucker everywhere and voilà...

You've got yourself
a death proof automobile.

[inhales]

That makes sense. I just didn't know
you could make a car death proof.

I can drive this baby into a brick wall
doing 125 miles an hour,

just for the experience.

[car door creaks]

[Pam] Why is your passenger seat
in a box?

Well, this is a movie car.

Sometimes, when you're shooting a crash,

director wants to put a camera in the
car, shoot the crash from the inside.

That's where you put the camera.
They call it a crash box. Here...

- [clanks]
- There you go.

[chuckles]

When you asked to drive me home,
you didn't mention

your car didn't have a passenger seat.

Yeah, well, actually,
I didn't ask to drive you home.

You asked me for a ride and I said yes.
But look at the bright side, Pam,

I won't be getting fresh,
putting my hand on your knee.

[chuckles]

That is the bright side. [grunts]

I thought so.

[slams]

[engine revs, tires drag]

[girls laughing]

[distant scream]

[crickets chirping]

[engine rumbling]

[giggles]

Well, Pam, which way you going,
left or right?

Right.

- Ah, that's too bad.
- Why?

Well, because it was a 50/50 shot
on whether you'd be going left or right.

See, we're both going left.

You could have just as easily been going
left, too, and if that was the case,

it would have been a while
before you started gettin' scared.

But since you're going the other way...

...I'm afraid you're gonna
have to start getting scared...

...immediately.

- What the fuck?!
- [engine revs, tires screech]

[tires screech]

You cocksucking motherfucker!

Fucking let me out of here!
I'll fucking rip your fucking...

Stop the fucking car!
[shouting]

[screaming]

- [truck honking]
- [screaming]

- [engine revs]
- [screeching]

[engine rumbling]

[car clanks]

[groaning]

[grunts]

[groans]

[sobs] OK, here's the thing.

[forced laugh]

I get it. This was all a joke,
and it's super funny.

It was really funny, OK?

But, um, if you could stop now, if...
[stammering]

If you just drop me off...

[gasping]

- I swear I'll never...
- Hey, Pam!

Remember when I said this car
was death proof?

Well, that wasn't a lie.
This car is 100 percent death proof.

Only, to get the benefit of it, honey,

you really need to be sitting
in my seat.

- [brakes screech]
- [grunting]

[engine rumbling]

[grunting]

[gasping]

[Pam groaning]

Now I've gotta catch me
my other girlfriends.

[tires screech]

No, no, no, no, no. It's Dave Dee,
Dozy, Beaky, Mitch and Tich.

So, you got it?

Thanks honey. You're gonna
play it next song, right?

Good boy.

[chuckles] Growl.

Bye-bye.

Who do you want to hear?

Dave Dee, Dozy,
Beaky, Mitch and Tich.

Who?

Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mitch and Tich.

- Who the fuck are they?
- For your information,

Pete Townshend, at one point,
almost quit The Who,

and if he had, he would have
ended up in this group

thus making it Dave Dee,
Dozy, Beaky, Mitch, Tich and Pete.

And if you ask me,
he should have.

- [music starts]
- That's my boy!

[♪ Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky,
Mick And Tich: Hold Tight]

[engine hums]

[laughing]

[tires screech]

[engine revs]

[screeching]

[engine revving]

[screeching]

[music continues]

[engine hums]

[Shanna] I wanna to hear
this part of the song louder!

[volume increases]

- [engine revs]
- [glass shatters]

[shattering]

- [engine revs]
- [screaming]

[shattering, screeching]

[hissing]

Do you know her name or anything?

[Stuntman Mike] Uh, I don't remember.

[door slams]

[man] Dr. Block?

[woman over PA]
Self restraints to room 310.

Self restraints to room 310.

Well, what's the patient's prognosis,
Dr. Block?

I don't really see it's
any of your business.

Come on now, sis.
You just tell us.

How bad is he?

He got banged up real good.

Busted nose, broken collar bone,
smashed up his left index finger.

Is that it?

He was real lucky.

[chuckles]

That will be all?

Why, that's more than enough
and I want to thank you, Dr. Block.

Son of a bitch!

So, Pop, what do you think?

Well, son number one...

...what I think is so goddamn ghoulish,
I hesitate to speak it out loud.

Well, give it a shot.

Well, what we have here is
a case of vehicular homicide.

That old boy murdered them
pretty little gals.

He used a car and not a hatchet,
but they're dead just the same.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Not a goddamn thing.

DA says there ain't no crime here.

Every one of them gals was swimming
in alcohol and floating on weed

and old Hooper in there came out
clean as a whistle.

Now you actually think that he
premeditatedly murdered them gals?

Well, I can't prove it but since
thinking don't cost nothing,

I can think it and I do.

Yeah, but Pop, he got pretty
banged up himself.

Hell, yeah, he got banged up,
but goddamn, them pretty little gals

look like a goddamn giant chewed
them up and spit them out.

Did any of them survive?

[snickers] Shit, two tons of metal
at 200 miles an hour,

flesh and bone and plain old Newton...

...they all princess died.

Why?

[camera shutter clicking]

[father]
Well, I'd guesstimate it's a sex thing.

Only way I can figure it.

High velocity impact,
twisted metal, busted glass,

all four souls taken
exactly at the same time.

Probably the only way that diabolical
degenerate can shoot his goo.

[clicking]

[engine humming]

[Abernathy]
You're timing couldn't be better, Zoë.

It just so happens that
we're all three off-duty

- for the next three days of shooting.
- Fucking hell, how does that happen?

I'm doing Lindsay Lohan's make-up
and she's off for the next three days.

There's no stunts being filmed
during that time so Kim's free

and Lee's on a "will notify"
for the next four days.

So, how's the shoot going?

Great! We're having the best time.

The director, Cecil Evans,
is so much fun.

We're making the coolest movie
and partying all the time.

Hell, yeah. The next job after
this one is definitely gonna suck.

So, let's hear it ladies. Set romances?
Who's getting it off?

That would be Lee and Toolbox.

Oh, Toolbox?
The name sounds promising.

- He's a grip.
- What he is, is a pervert.

[giggling] Well, he just keeps
sounding better and better.

What's his perversion?

[groans] He like to watch me pee.

[all giggling]

[chanting] Lee is sitting on a toilet
and Toolbox is watching her pee!

- [together] P-I-S-S-I-N-G.
- [laughing]

Yeah, but not no more.
Now she's getting it on with The Rock.

- You're having one off with The Rock?
- Not the real Rock.

He's this electrician named Bruce.
Kim started calling him The Rock

because he kinda looks like The Rock
so we all just call him The Rock.

Kim, dick department. Let's hear it.

Uh-uh, no dick this trip.

- I got a man.
- How long have you had this boyfriend?

- About three months.
- Who'd you steal him from?

Nobody!

- [Abernathy scoffing] Kim!
- What?

He totally had a girlfriend.

[Zoë] All Kim's boyfriends start out
as somebody else's boyfriend.

I did not steal him.

I didn't steal any of them.
They just... jumped ship.

- [Zoë snickers]
- [laughs]

- So what's your story, Abernathy?
- Oh, Abbie's got the big kahuna.

I had a set crush on Cecil.

"Set crush?" Nigga, please.
You were his set wife.

"Were" and "had" being
the key words here.

Bitch, you two are still
into each other and you know it.

Yeah, well, if he's so in love with me,

then why did he fuck
Daryl Hannah's stand-in?

- [snorting]
- [all chortling]

Yes, men are dogs.
Oh, it's so funny!

- Oh, it's so funny!
- Oh, stop acting all hurt.

Your ass is just mad.

- Yeah, he's a stand-in fucker.
- Bitch, you need to get over that shit.

- That was two weeks ago.
- Oh, well, now you put it like that...

[giggling]

Oh, I haven't told you the best part.
He fucked her on my birthday.

Oh, that's a horse
of a different color.

Thank you.

Did he know it was your birthday?
He's the director. He's kind of busy.

He ate a piece of my birthday cake
and he got me a present.

Yeah, I think he knew.

What did he get you?

He made me a tape.

- He made you a tape?
- [squeaking]

Wait, he didn't burn you a CD,
he made you a tape?

- Yeah.
- Oh, that is so romantic.

Yes, I know what you're gonna say,
so don't even go there.

Sounds like the test
of true love to me.

Look, I know you guys like him.

He's likeable.

But he fucked another woman
on my birthday.

How can you not be on my side?

- Well, I admit, that sounds bad.
- It is bad.

It just sounds like there's
a little more to it than that.

- Were you two fucking?
- Hell, no.

- Hello, is your name Abernathy?
- Sorry.

The answer to your question is no.
Of course not.

- What do you mean, "No, of course not?"
- The reason Cecil hasn't had

a girlfriend in six years
is because girls will fuck him.

And if you fuck Cecil,
you don't become one of his girlfriends.

Not to say I want to be his girlfriend,
but if I did want to be his girlfriend,

if I fucked him, I wouldn't be his
girlfriend. I'd be one of his regulars.

[scoffing] And I'm just getting
too fucking old for that shit.

- Have you let him do anything?
- Yes!

I've let him give me a foot massage
and when we go to the movies,

I've let him hold my hand.

Bitch, you might be acting
like you're 12 years old,

but he just acting like a man.

You need to break
that nigga off a piece.

Let me get this straight.

- You're not fucking him.
- Hm-hm.

- You're not sucking him.
- Hm-hm.

You're not giving him any tongue,
but Daryl Hannah's stand-in is?

You know, some cultures
might say he made the wiser choice.

- Oh!
- [cackling]

So, Zoë, Kim, and I are in the
Philippines at an outdoor rave.

- [Lee] What were you working on?
- Three Kicks to the Head, part three.

And admittedly,
we were a little fucked up.

- [Zoë] Cheers to that.
- Word.

Cheers.

So Zoë, the genius,
wants to take a picture of me.

[laughing]

It's dark as hell
and you can't see shit.

So, she's got her camera and keeps
saying, "Step back a little."

So I do.

Then, "A little further."
So I step back a little further.

Then, "A little more." So, I do.

Then I realize, I'm right at the edge
of a seven foot concrete ditch.

With God knows how many rocks,
and broken bottles, and rats in it.

And, if I fell in that fucking thing,

I probably would have
broken my fucking neck.

So I'm yelling at her,
"Zoë, you almost killed me!"

[all giggling]

So we laugh about it
and walk a little further,

and Zoë starts fuckin' around.

And damn if she doesn't
fall in the fucking ditch.

[laughs]

- [Lee] Nice.
- Nice.

Thank you. Yeah, thank you.

[chuckles] I remember taking a step
and looking down.

Just as I'm thinking, "There's that
ditch Abbie was talking about."

Bam! I'm in the fucking ditch, you know.

- What happened?
- What, with Zoë the cat?

Nothing. If I fell in that fucking thing

they would've had to helicopter me
out of there.

Zoë just lands on her feet.

But then, later, I started feeling
a little bad about myself.

Zoë falls in the ditch and it's nothing,
we're laughing about it.

If I fell in that fucking thing...

...I probably would have been
fucking paralyzed.

Honey, you can't think like that.
We all have our individual talents

and that just happens to be
one of Zoë's.

- [giggling]
- Well, physically speaking,

Zoë is amazing. I mean,
agility, reflexes, nimbleness.

There's few human beings that
can fuck with Zoë on that front.

- Kim, I like you, too.
- Aw...

Having said that, before you get
too envious of Zoë's prowess,

you're missing the most
important part of that story.

You didn't fall in the ditch. Zoë did.

Zoë even knew there was a ditch there
because you told her

and she still fell in.

So, Lee's right.
We all have our talents.

- Hey, I resemble that remark.
- [all laughing]

So Kim, you still pack a roscoe?

Check it out, bitch.

- Ooh, nice one, mate.
- I noticed.

- [Lee] What's a roscoe?
- Roscoe is a pistol.

- [Lee] You carry a gun?
- Uh-huh.

You have a license to carry it?

Yeah, when I became a Secret Service
agent, they gave me a license.

Oh, I didn't know you were...

OK, I didn't say it, all right?
Stop looking at me, I didn't say it.

God. Did you know
Kim carried a gun?

Yes. Now, do I approve? No.

Do I know? Yes.

Look, I don't know what
futuristic utopia you live in,

but the world I live in,
a bitch need a gun.

You can't get around the fact that
people who carry guns tend to get shot

more than people who don't.

And you can't get around the fact
that if I go down to the laundry room

in my building at midnight enough times,
I might get my ass raped.

- Don't do your laundry at midnight.
- Fuck that, I want to do my laundry

whenever the fuck
I want to do my laundry.

There are other things
you can carry other than a gun.

Pepper spray.

Uh, a motherfucker try to rape me,
I don't want to give him a skin rash.

- [laughs]
- I wanna shut that nigga down.

How about a knife, at least?

Yeah, you know what happens
to motherfuckers who carry knives?

They get shot.

Look, if I ever become a famous actress,
I won't carry a gun.

I'll hire me a do-dirt-nigga
and he'll carry the gun.

And when shit goes down,
I'll sit back and laugh.

But until that day,
it's wild west, motherfucker.

So Zoë, you thought about
what you want to do first?

It just so happens,
I know exactly what I want to do.

Oh, really? And what would that be?

To me, there's no point
in being in America

unless you can drive
a Detroit muscle car.

And I want to drive a Dodge Challenger,
fuck me, swinging balls out.

[all laughing]

[Abernathy] Um... Well, I guess
we could talk to transpo.

But does it have to be
a Dodge Challenger?

Not just that, it has to be a 1970
Dodge Challenger with a 440 engine.

[all laughing]

How in the fuck
do you expect to do that?

No worries, mate.
I've got it all worked out.

When I knew I was coming here,
I went online and found out

that the local paper here in Tennessee
is the Lebanon News Sentinel.

- So back home...
- I'm sorry. Where's home?

- Australia, right?
- What do you mean by that, mate?

Zoë's from New Zealand and you never,

I repeat, never call a Kiwi an Aussie.

That is, unless you want
your ass kicked.

- I'm so sorry. I really am.
- [laughing]

Oh, that's OK. We're just taking
the piss out of you, mate.

Auckland, to answer your question.

Anyway, I subscribed to
the local paper a month ago.

Now why in the fuck you want a local
redneck newspaper in New Zealand?

Pipe down and I'll tell you.

I've been getting
the paper for the last month

and I've been checking the classified
at the back looking at cars for sale.

So, as of yesterday, for sale,

in this town,
some dude is selling a stock

1970 Dodge Challenger with
a 440 engine and a white paint job.

And you want to buy it?

Kim, I may be stupid
but I'm not bloody stupid.

I want to say I want to buy it
so he'll let me test drive it.

A 1970 Dodge Challenger
with a white paint job?

Oh, Kowalski.

Kowalski from Vanishing Point.
Mate, it's a fucking classic.

If I can get this guy to let me
drive it without him,

I will blow the doors off that bitch.

What's Vanishing Point?

What's Vanishing Point?

Abs, I'm supposed to be
the illiterate one.

It's just one of the best American
movies ever made.

Actually, Zoë, most girls wouldn't
know Vanishing Point.

Excuse me, "most girls?"
What the fuck are you two?

Yeah, well, we're gearheads.
Of course we watched it.

Y'all grew up watching that
Pretty in Pink shit.

Oh, I like Pretty in Pink.

What, so you didn't watch
John Hughes movies?

Of course, I did. I'm a girl.
But I also watched car shit, too.

Vanishing Point, Dirty Mary Crazy Larry,
Gone in 60 Seconds, the real one.

Not that Angelina Jolie bullshit.

We have an outdoor theater in Auckland

that plays Vanishing Point,
Big Wednesday,

- all the classics.
- [laughs]

[horn honks]

- [horn honking]
- [dog barking]

What do you horny gals want?

[car door opens, slams]

Yeah, you got a 1970
Dodge Challenger for sale?

Right up here, ladies.

[birds chirping]

- This shit is off the fuckin' hook.
- Fuckin' legendary, mate.

Sweet as.
Well, if you'll excuse me for a moment,

I'd like to have a word alone
with my business associate.

- You ladies take your time.
- OK.

[man chuckles]

Mmm.

What are you waiting for?
Ask him to let you drive it by yourself.

I intend to. But first,
I need to ask you something.

What?

If he let's us take it out on our own,
I want to play Ship's Mast.

- Oh, hell no!
- Will you keep it down?

- Ain't no way I'm doing Ship's Mast.
- For Christ's sake...

- Don't blaspheme.
- Sorry.

Now, what did you say
after the last time?

- Look, I know what I said.
- What did you say?

I know I said we shouldn't
do this again...

No, you didn't say we shouldn't.
You said we ain't ever

- gonna to do that again.
- But...

"But," my ass! You said, not only are
we never gonna play Ship's Mast again,

but you also said, if you ever do
what you're trying to do now,

to not only refuse,

but that I had permission to physically
restrain your ass if necessary.

Now, did you or did you not say that?

- Well...
- No, no, no, no.

Answer the question, motherfucker.
Did you or did you not say that?

- Yes, I said that, however...
- Whatever with your "however."

I know I said it,
and I know I meant it.

Damn skippy, you meant it.

But when I said it,
I didn't mean in America.

- Oh, nigga, please!
- Really.

I meant we should never play Ship's Mast
again in New Zealand and Australia.

You are such a liar.

Look, I know what I said when I said it.

But when I said it, I didn't know
I'd ever come to America.

And when I said it, if I had of known
I was gonna come to America,

and have the opportunity
to play Ship's Mast on the fucking

Vanishing Point Challenger,
I would have added a "however."

Right?

[insects and birds chirping]

OK, oddly enough,
I actually understood that.

However...

Just because you talked yourself
into some stupid shit,

doesn't mean I have lost
my goddamn mind.

You need two people
to play Ship's Mast and I ain't playing.

[sighing]

I'll be your best friend.

I don't need me no best friend who
lives on the other side of planet Earth.

- I'll crack your back.
- You'll crack it anyway.

Well, of course,
I'll crack it anyway.

But now, while I'm here,
I'll be your back-cracking slave.

Whenever you want it, you got it.
You don't even have to ask for it.

You just order me to do it.

Just be like,
"Bitch get over here and get busy."

So... We're gonna see if this guy'll
let us take the car out without him.

If he does, you wait here with Lee
and we'll be back in a moment.

What?

I said, we're gonna see if this guy will
let us take the car out without him...

I heard what you said.
I just can't believe what you said.

You know, you two got
some fuckin' balls.

- What?
- Don't play dumb ass with me.

I've been up all night, I'm still a
little drunk, and I have a hangover.

I should be in my hotel room asleep.
Not fucking around here on tobacco road,

but because Zoë wanted to drive some
fucking Vanishing Point car, I'm here.

Now you two got the balls to ask me...

No, scratch that, tell me,
I gotta go make conversation

with Tom Joad while the cool kids
get to go out and play?

Bullshit on that.

- It ain't like that.
- Then what's it like, Kim?

You guys are our collateral.
He's never gonna go for it if we all go.

I really think one human being
will be collateral enough.

You're not gonna want to do
what we're doing.

What? To drive a car?

- We're doing more than that.
- What? Drive it fast?

[sighing] We're doing more than that.

Actually, we're paying you a compliment,
because we're gonna do some stupid shit.

[clears throat]

But that's OK. We're stunt people,
we ain't got good sense.

But you got good sense.
And anyone with good sense

- ain't gonna wanna do what we're doing.
- How do you know I don't wanna do it?

- 'Cause you're a mom.
- Yeah.

[scoffs] You know, we're supposed to be
this big posse, but that's the excuse

you guys use whenever
you want to exclude me from something.

So, what is it you two
daredevils are doing

that I'm just so uncool
I couldn't possibly understand.

You know, we're kind of conning this
guy so maybe it's best

if we don't go into detail about it
while he's watching us.

Besides, he's probably not gonna
let us do it anyway.

OK, how about this?

I'll talk him into it.
But if I talk him into it, I go along.

- How are you gonna do that?
- Ah! That's my problem.

But don't worry. [chuckles]
He'll say yes.

- What are you gonna do, blow him?
- No!

I'm gonna insinuate that Lee's
gonna blow him.

[laughing]

That's a good one.

Not really. But let me handle it.

We got a deal?

[chuckle]

OK, mommy, listen up.

You wanna hang with the cool kids,
you've got to be cool.

We take you along, you don't say shit.
You don't even say crap.

You just sit in the back and I don't
want to hear a peep out of your ass.

- You understand?
- Got it.

I'm serious. You start nagging us, we're
pulling over to the side of the road

kicking your ass out
and picking you up later.

Agreed.

[sighing]

OK.

Go work your magic.

- Hello, sir.
- Hello.

- What's your name?
- Jasper.

- Hello, Jasper. I'm Abernathy.
- Aber-what?

- Abernathy.
- What's your first name?

- That is my first name.
- What kind of first name is that?

- You know what? Just call me Abbie.
- OK, Abbie.

Jasper, we were wondering if my friends
and I could take the car out

for a little test drive out on our own.
Just to see if we're comfortable in it.

Why would I do something
stupid like that?

To better sell your automobile.

How do I know y'all
ain't just gonna steal it?

Four reasons, actually.

One, we're not thieves.
Two, that would be rude.

Three, we're staying at the Days Inn
in town, you can call the hotel,

check with management.
We're registered for the next month.

Actually, Zoë is not, but Kim and I are.
So, we're totally track down-able.

Who's Kim? The colored girl?

Yes, Kim would be the girl of color.
And reason number four,

and the most important, while we're
taking the car out for a little spin,

that'll give you a better opportunity
to get acquainted

with our other friend, Lee.

[chuckles]

Why does she look kinda familiar?

That would be because
she's a famous actress.

[Jasper chuckles]

Why's she dressed like that?

Well, you see, we're making
a Hollywood movie in town,

and it's a cheerleader movie,
and she's one of the cheerleaders.

- What's a cheerleader movie?
- A movie about cheerleaders.

Is it a porno movie?

- Yes, it is.
- [chuckles]

But, don't mention it. She's shy.

- [car honks]
- [dog barking]

Lee, this is Jasper.
Jasper, Lee.

You two kids stay out of trouble.

Hey, good-looking!
Be back to pick you up later!

Ta-ta.

[engine revs]

[Jasper chuckles, grunts]

Gulp.

[sighing]

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- I think I'm thinking it.
- What are you and you thinking?

I'm thinking we told your ass
to shut the fuck up.

- Where are y'all going?
- You stay put.

- I got to take a...
- [slams]

[birds chirping]

So you ready to do this?

You sure?

Well, I always don't want to do it
right before I'm gonna do it.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I know what you mean.
'Cause I don't want to do it.

- Kim.
- I'm just saying.

- If you're gonna take the piss out...
- I'm just saying.

You wanna start out on top?

It practically doesn't count
if you start on the top.

[chortling]

Here are your gloves.

No, no, no, no.
I'm wearing the jacket.

This is my jacket.

Um... Ain't you supposed to be
my slave or some shit?

Give it.

I'm the one who's on the fucking bonnet.

Bonnet, my ass. You're on the hood.

[pops lips]

[sighs]

Y'all, I think I hear a car coming.

- Give me your belt.
- Oh.

This is my cute shit.

Well... Fuck that.
Get Abernathy's belt.

Fine. We'll use Abbie's belt.

- Give me your belt.
- [Abernathy] No.

- Prada.
- Come on. Give her the belt.

- Magic word.
- Please. Give her the belt.

Just cause you asked nicely.

It's nice to be nice, Kim.

- Whatever.
- You know what?

Don't even fucking think about asking me
next time you want me to do your hair.

- Your ass gonna do it.
- Yeah, you'll ask pretty please, bitch.

'Cause that's what you do
when no one else is looking.

You ain't that fucking hard.
I ain't getting that shit.

Abernathy, don't get on
my nerves right now.

I got shit on my mind.

[Abernathy scoffing]
Ooh! You know, I ain't six.

[engine revs]

[tires screech]

[engine humming]

It's cold. Can we roll up
one of these windows?

[Zoë and Kim] No.

Hey, Abernathy.
Check this out.

[car humming]

What the fuck are you guys doing?

[pounding]

[Abernathy] What does that mean?

Whoa!

[engine roaring]

Faster, you black bitch, faster!

- [engine revs]
- [chuckles]

That fast enough for your bony ass?

[Zoë] Woo-hoo!

[Zoë chuckles] Whoa!

Abernathy, get your ass up here.

[Zoë cheering]

All righty.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

[Zoë cheering]

[laughs]

[howls]

Check it out bitch.
You want it fucking faster?

[yelling]

[♪ Eddie Beram:
Riot In Thunder Alley]

[Zoë hollers]

[Zoë cheers]

[chuckles]

[tires screech]

[Zoë laughs, squeals]

[engine accelerates]

- Oh, my God!
- What the fuck? Shit!

[screaming]

- [Kim] Zoë!
- [tires screech]

Damn it!

[brakes screech]

- Now!
- [engine revs]

- Did you do something to him?
- Nothing! Nothing! Shit!

- Shit! Here he comes!
- Zoë! Fuck!

- [screaming]
- [tires screech]

- Shit!
- Shit! Oh, shit!

- Hold on, Zoë!
- Whoa!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Zoë!

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Zoë!
- [screaming]

- Whoa!
- Zoë!

[engine revving]

Fuck you, motherfucker!
Fuck you!

Zoë! Zoë!

- I'm sorry I called you a black bitch.
- I forgive you. Hold the fuck on.

Whoa! Get away!

Oh, shit! I can't fucking see!
I can't see!

[Abernathy] Zoë, move your legs!

Fuck you!

- Come on, come on!
- [Zoë screams]

Redneck lunatic bastard!

Get away from me!

- Watch your fucking legs!
- Baby, just hold on.

[screams] Zoë!

- [Abernathy] Fuck you!
- Oh, my God!

[Abernathy] Come on, come on!

[Zoë] Fucking get away from me!

Oh, shit! I'm scared Kim,
I'm really scared.

I know, baby, just hold on.

Watch your feet!

- You wanna get hot? You wanna get hot?
- You fucking son of a bitch.

- Suck on this for a while, bitch!
- Motherfucker!

- [Abernathy] Zoë!
- [groans]

[Kim] Goddamn it!

[tires screeching]

[screaming]

[engine revs]

- [Abernathy] He's coming up!
- [Zoë] Oh, my God.

[Zoë] Get away from us, you cocksucker!

[Kim] Leave us alone!

- Fuck you, motherfucker!
- [Kim] Put your foot down!

[Kim] Zoë! Zoë!

- [Zoë sobs]
- [Kim] Hold on!

[screams]

[Abernathy] Zoë! Zoë!

- Look out!
- [truck honks]

[tires screech]

Get ready to fly, bitch!

[screams]

- Zoë!
- Zoë! Hold on!

[engine revs]

He's right on your ass!
He's right on your fucking ass!

[tires screech]

[engine revs]

[chuckling]

Hey! [cheering, laughing]

Hey! Ladies, that was fun!

[cackling]

Well, adios!

- [gunshot]
- Ow, fuck!

- Shit! Fuck!
- [engine revs]

Run away with your ass!
You better run, motherfucker!

[engine idling]

Bitch!

[sighing]

[Zoë] I'm OK!

[inhales] Oh, shit! Goddamn it!

[chuckling] Oh, you fucking bitch!

Of course you are. Of course you are.
What was I thinking?

[sputters]

What was I thinking?
Zoë, the fucking cat!

Whew! That was a close one.

- [giggling]
- [sighing]

You guys look like shit.

Who died?

- That's it!
- [giggling]

Zoë, are you OK?

Well, I'm gonna have
a hell of a bruise on my bum,

but aside from that, I'll be sweet.

[laughing]

So, where's the maniac?

I shot him and his punk ass sped off.

- You wanna go get him?
- Oh, hell yeah!

Honey, I think you might
want to get out.

Fuck that shit. Let's kill this bastard.

[♪ Jack Nitzsche: The Last Race]

OK, get your ass in the back,
let's go.

Fuck this motherfucker!

- Wait...
- Where the fuck you going?

I'll be back.

[metal clanks]

Yeah, that'll smart. Sweet, let's go.

Oh, fuck yeah, bitch. Come on.
Bring that shit.

Giddy up, girl!

[tires screech]

Yeah!

[groans]

[grunts]

[yells]

[grunts]

[yelling]

[grunts]

[groaning, sobbing] Come on!

[clinks]

[coughs]

Oh, why? Oh, no!

[sobbing, screaming]

Oh, do it! Do it!

Do it! [clinks]

[screaming]

[crying out] Oh, no!

No, no, no! No! God...

All right. Get it together.

Get, get... What are you...
What are you... What are you gonna do?

[Kim] Kick his ass, Zoë!
Kick his motherfucking ass!

- Hey! Now I wanna play!
- [screaming] Go away!

- [starting car]
- [Zoë] Fucking fuck you!

Where do you think you're
fucking going?

- [metal clanks]
- [screams]

Come here, you...!

[Zoë] Go!

[cheering]

I'm not done with your ass now,
motherfucker. I love your ass!

Oh, you're gonna wiggle your ass at me?

Oh, don't like it up the ass, do you,
you redneck lunatic bastard.

Oh, yeah, bitch. I'm gonna bust a nut
up in this bitch right now!

I'm the horniest motherfucker
on the road!

Boo-yah, bitch!

Ah!

[chuckling] Did you just hit a boat?

[cow moos]

Now, get him! Get him!

[Zoë] Now! Now! Now!
Get him! Get him!

Forget about the cows, motherfucker!
Move, motherfucker! Move!

Motherfucker!

I'm about to bust a nut
up in this bitch, motherfucker!

[birds chirping]

[squeaking]

Watch it! Watch it! Watch it!

Tappin' that ass. Tappin' that ass!
Tappin' it, tappin' it, tappin' it!

Son of a bitch!

[engine revs]

Oh, you know I can't let you go...

...without tapping that ass.

Oh, fuck me!

- One...
- Kim?

- ...more...
- Kim?

...time!

Boo-yah!

That's what I'm talking about, bitch!

[car honking]

[car honks]

[engine revs]

[car honks]

Oh, come on!

[tires screech]

[laughs]

[laughs] Come on!

You thought you lost us!
We're back, motherfucker! We're back!

Who's laughing now bitch?

Shit!

Come on!

[Kim] Here's Cha Cha! [laughs]

You miss us, you lunatic bastard?!

- I'm sorry!
- [Abernathy] What?

I didn't... I didn't mean anything.

I was just playing around.

- [Kim] Oh, he was just playing around.
- [Zoë] He was just playing.

- Well, I ain't playing with you.
- [screams]

[girls cheer]

[laughing]

[Zoë] Oh, look out! Look out!
Look out!

- What's your sign? [laughs]
- Cancer!

[Stuntman Mike yells]

[Zoë] Come on!

Don't run.
Don't run, motherfucker! Don't run!

Shit!

[tires screech]

[skidding, screeching]

- [girls scream]
- Yeah!

Yeah!

Jesus fucking Christ, it's about time!

[exhales]

- [Zoë] Yeah, you go.
- [Abernathy] Just go, go, go, go!

Please don't dead-end.
Please don't dead-end.

Please don't dead-end.
Please don't dead-end.

Please don't dead-end.

[all] Please don't dead-end.
Please don't dead-end.

Please don't dead-end.

Oh, there the motherfucker is!

- [Abernathy] Go, go, go!
- Get him! Get him! Get him!

[sighs, laughing]

[Stuntman Mike screaming] Help me!

[wailing] Help me!

[screaming]

- Be careful! My right arm's broken!
- [Zoë] This one?

[Stuntman Mike yells]

That's right, bitch.

You want some?

- Come on, motherfucker!
- My fuckin' ass!

[grunting]

[laughs]

Piece of shit!

[grunts]

- Bitch!
- [grunting, groaning]

Motherfucker!

Motherfucker!

Asshole!

[♪ April March: Chick Habit]

[cheering, laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

[crunching sound]