All language subtitles for Avenue 5 s01e09_English

Because you gotta clear
the filters which you do...

-After I ignite the en--
-...before you ignite.

(EXPLOSION)

-Is that a good explosion?
-Well, we were in it.

We are all going back to Earth.

Not if Mr. Judd
is on this shuttle you are not.

Why don't you take
one of these things?

-That came off pretty easy.
-It's like a movie set.

MIA: Everyone,
we're still on Earth!

-MAN: No.
-We can just walk out

of the airlock!

If you wanna go out,
you can go out.

-(CROWD YELLING)
-No, no!

-Is it my fault?
-Your arguments were confusing.

I was trying to be nuanced.

Well, I think you just nuanced
them to death!

We just watched seven people
stupid themselves to death.

At least they didn't suffer.

SPIKE MARTIN: No, they did.

It would've been ungodly agony.

-(PDA WATCH BEEPS)
-It's Matt.

-(WATCHES BEEP)
-What?

"I have changed the codes
to the airlock.

No one will ever use them again.

No more deaths,
no more tragedies."

That's good. That's smart.

How are we supposed to jettison
all this stuff now?

We need the codes.

Or what are we gonna do,
just open the sunroof?

That's dumb.
What Matt wrote is dumb.

"I came here to fix people,
but I need to fix myself.

You will not see me again."

Oh my god. Does that mean
he's gonna top himself?

I-- I am...

up to here with suicides.

Guys, if we can't jettison
this stuff in the next hour,

then we're all in this

for the long,
three-and-a-half-year stretch.

-Hour?
-One hour?

Yes!
Or 60 minutes,

if a longer-sounding number
makes you all feel better.

-For some reason, it does.
-RYAN CLARK: Matt, listen to me,

you can't do this, all right?

Life without you would be...

Hang up.
That pause is really telling.

The only word I could think of
was "easier."

Um... (GROANS)

Oh, fuck,
is this still recording?

-(WHOOSHING SOUND)
-Now I've sent it!

-(GASPING)
-What?

He's definitely
gonna kill himself now.

Flood his inbox, so everyone
send him a message.

Okay, flood.
Everybody. Everybody.

Hey, Matt, it's Judd from work.

-Um...
-(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

-Did you get my joke?
-Suicide never ends well.

-You're the son I never had...
-Hey, sweetie.

...the lover I never wanted.

My uncle killed himself.

Why don't you call me?
We'll go do something.

There's not really more to that.

I'm not very good at this,
and you know that,

so let's just pretend that I am,
and...

IRIS KIMURA: Matt, those people
were fucking idiots,

we're better off without them,
give us the goddamn codes.

(GASPING)
Iris!

What? That's basically
what we're all saying, right?

♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(SIGHS) Well, that was, uh,

certainly one of my more
eventful journeys.

No, no, no, it wasn't.
Uh, the official line is

it was a staggeringly
uneventful journey,

and I am now totally fine.
Uh-uh-uh! Remain in your seat.

What, you want me
to just sit here?

Yes,
and keep the engine running.

-It's an automated system--
-I don't care, shuttle man.

Excellent work. Well done.

NADIA: (VOICE BREAKING)
I miss Sarah so much.

JORDAN HATWAL:
If it's any consolation,

the way her hand shattered...
I mean, it was beautiful.

-It really was.
-(NADIA SOBS)

-How do you think he'll do it?
-Swallow broken glass.

No, how would Matt do it,
not how would you do it, Iris.

Wait, I got a new message
from Matt.

"Sorry, just to be clear,
I'm not going to kill myself."

-(ALL GROANING)
-RYAN: "I'm going to
hide out on the ship

for the next three and a half
years."

Pick a fucking lane, am I right?

This is what we're gonna do.
We are gonna find him,

we're gonna get the code,
and we're gonna kill him.

Okay? We're gonna split up
into groups.

Uh, Spike, you go with...
Uh, you with Doug.

Oh yeah! Boys on tour!

Concentrate on Deck Five.

Uh, Nadia, Billie, and Jordan,
you take H Sector,

including
the peripheral horseshoe.

It's... called the donut.

No, it doesn't go
all the way round.

It's-- It's always been
a horseshoe.

I call it a ringpiece.

No, that's not helpful.

It's not important
what it's called.

But we call it
the "nearly circle."

-Okay.
-BILLIE MCEVOY: Great.

And now, the F Sector,
Frank, Mads, and Mia,

including the galley.

Okay, rest of you with me.

HERMAN JUDD: How 'bout this
tough guy captain, huh?

Alpha to the nut sack.

-Proactive.
-Yeah, like a yogurt.

Uh, Karen and Iris, you better
carry on with the jettisoning,

because we're still short
of our target weight.

We will be ruthless.

But also, merciless.

Um...
Aren't those the same thing?

No. You need to be both.

-Oh. Okay.
-JUDD: Do the, um...

"you do that, you do this"
taking charge shit again.

-No.
-That's it. I miss that guy.

-FRANK KELLY: Matt!
Can you hear me?
-MIA: Matt?

-RYAN: Matt! Matt!
-JUDD: Matt!

-DOUG: Matt?
-We should come up with

code names
in case we get separated.

Oh, that's an awesome idea.

-Yeah.
-Yeah. Um...

-I'm gonna be Cobra.
-Shit! That's a good one.

What was I thinking?
The coupling.

Doug and Spike.
They're probably gonna end up

blowing each other
in a doorway.

-DOUG: Can I be Cobra?
-SPIKE: No, man, I'm Cobra.

DOUG: I could be Python.

SPIKE: Uh, that's just
another snake.

DOUG: Cobra's just the best.
I'm not gonna beat Cobra.

SPIKE: Yeah, I'm just gonna
call ya Doug.

-But I wanted to look captainy.
-Mm.

Seriously, my decision
to make a quick decision

was itself a bad decision.

I have
the decision-making powers

of a pigeon
trapped in a library.

A library. Why-- why is
the pigeon in the library?

I-- I saw a pigeon
in a library once.

It did not make good decisions.

FRANK: Matt, buddy.

MADS: Hey, Matt, this is Mads.
Remember me?

Kind of athletic build,
six feet.

-Good complexion.
-Seriously?

-What? I moisturize.
-No, I mean,

you're seriously yelling
about how good-looking you are

to a lunatic in the dark?

Oh my god. You know what?

-I think we gotta take a break.
-What?

(MIA GROANS)

Hey, hey, hey. You blew it.
You blew it, buddy.

Women don't like vanity in men.
It's emasculating.

(SIGHS) I'm just trying
to describe myself.

I know. And Doug would not
shout that out about himself,

-I'm just saying.
-Okay, well, Doug
doesn't moisturize his face.

Unless tears count.

-So, I'm like--
-What are we even supposed to do

when he find him? Arrest him?
(SIGHS, SNIFFLES)

No, we're not gonna arrest him.

-Go on.
-So, I'm like,

"If you want
a tight ten minutes, mate,

go fuck your dog."
And then I left.

-(BILLIE GASPS)
-I never went back.

-That is gross. I mean--
-CYRUS: (THROUGH WATCH) Billie.

-Yeah.
-As soon as we've
got the codes,

we need something from outside.

What-- What do we need
from outside?

CYRUS: Joe's hands and his head
for print recognition

in case Captain Ryan's
too crashy to dock the ship.

(SIGHS) Yeah.

We're gonna have to cut off
Joe's hands for his prints.

We're sending him out there
to dismember a corpse?

Yeah. We need his handprints
for recognition.

Oh, well, just making sure.

Maybe bring back his ass?
That'd be funny.

MATT SPENCER: (RECORDED VOICE)
Goodbye, Sarah.

Sarah, bridge crew.

To control a ship,
you need to know

how to control your emotions.
I do both.

MATT: I'm sorry, Sarah.

It gets lonely on the bridge,
but we love an audience.

Come see how we fly the ship.

MATT: Goodbye, Sarah.

She had a dignity to her,
don't you think?

How do I handle her?
The ship, that is.

-A sort of...
-SARAH: Come and visit us...

...potato-ey grandeur.

MATT: To dust, Sarah.

Sarah, bridge crew.
To learn how to control a ship,

you need to know
how to control your emotions.

-RYAN: (SIGHS) Look at them.
-SARAH: I do both. (GIGGLES)

Just ordinary idiots who went
out of an airlock one night.

-I could've saved them.
-We tried.

You know,
you can lead a horse to water,

but you can't stop it

from throwing itself
violently out of an airlock.

You can, with the most basic
horse harness.

-You could do that.
-Can you, though?

-Yeah.
-Hmm.

I'm the captain of a ship
that's leaking passengers.

Hey, hey...

I already lost seven good souls.

I'm not gonna lose an eighth.

-Eleven.
-What?

You've lost 11 good souls
in total.

Yeah, if you count
the other human beings

who also perished on this ship.
That's a lot.

That's a lot. Wow.

Wait a minute...

"Nothingness."
"White Light." "The Void."

I think I know
exactly where he is.

Oh my god!

You're doing a detective thing
with the words. I love it!

Come with me.
And you can call me Captain

'cause I think I deserve it
this time.

KAREN KELLY: This is all good,
but we need to think great.

Remember, weight is great. Okay?

Um-- Oh, this is the kind
of sacrifice we need.

How many guitars did you bring
on this trip?

-Nine.
-Oh.

-Go grab 'em all.
-KAREN: What are these?

Oh, they're-- they're stands
for my weights.

-I don't need 'em.
-IRIS: Mm-hmm.

-And where are your weights?
-No, I need those.

We need to jettison
excess weight,

and you won't contribute
literal weights?

Please. I personally threw out
Captain Ryan's rowing machine.

I mean, he doesn't need it.
He's in great shape, but, uh...

Is that true? About, uh...
Ryan's rowing machine?

You went in his room?

-What are you implying?
-Nothing.

Some people are saying
you had a thing with him.

But then, some other people
are saying,

"No, they didn't have a thing."

But then,
the first people are saying,

"No, yeah, they did."
So... I'm just saying, there--

there's a lot of confusion
around this issue.

I would appreciate
a little less bitching

and little more ditching, Iris.

Okay. We need to ditch
the heavy-duty booty.

-You seen anything like that?
-There's a reason they call me

the "All-Seeing Iris."
Get out of my way.

RYAN: Oh. He's not here.

Yeah... Why did you think
Matt would be here?

Well, I thought I noticed
these clues in his room,

these references
to the whiteness

-and the void and so on.
-Oh. Okay.

But the whole
of the spaceship is white,

and the whole of space
is a void, so...

That's a--
That's a very valid point.

I think I may have
overreached myself.

Hmm. Where are we right now?

Uh, this is the antechamber

-to the fusion drive.
-Ah.

Why does the fusion drive
need an antechamber?

-I don't know.
-Right. I keep forgetting that.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-Hey! Hey! Hi!
-WOMAN: Oh!

Uh... What's, um...
What's going on here?

I've just been relaxing
in the spa...

-Oh!
-...which is, um... still open?

-I think so.
-It is?

(LAUGHS) I mean,
I'm telling you it is.

Anyhoo, uh, what's--
what's happening?

We're getting all our shit
together

to throw out into space.

Oh, sure! (LAUGHS)
I knew that.

And, um...
uh, because I was, uh...

-in the waxing place--
what am I like? Um...
-Oh! (CHUCKLES)

I missed something
about dead bodies

flying out of the ship.

Some people threw themselves
out the airlock.

Oh, good Lord.

And, um... (CLEARS THROAT)
Would you say

it was the responsibility
of any crew?

No. No, not really, no.

Would you be willing to swear
to that in a court of law?

All right, if we threw
the pope's crown,

you think we could knock
the portrait off the wall?

IRIS: Maybe.

But we need the big-ticket
portable heavies.

How 'bout her?

Oh, baby. That is not a her.

(GRUNTING) Oh, yeah!

We're taking
your stupid fucking horse head

-out of the equation!
-Iris?

(BOTH PANTING)

(GULPS) Rav.

Is that it? Just a-- (LAUGHS)
Just a simple "Rav"?

See, I was expecting something
more along the lines of...

"Uh, sorry for surrounding

our groundbreaking luxury
cruise liner

-with shit and corpses."
-Right.

Shouldn't you be
at your workplace? On Earth?

Rav, Karen Kelly,
displeased to meet you.

I have a whole list
of grievances.

I wanna run through them all
with you later.

Don't you have a captain
to flirt with?

Now, you stop this,
and you take me to Judd.

JORDAN: This is nice.

BILLIE: Yeah,
we've got everything here.

You want a drink?

JORDAN: So, I was due to be in
a new TV drama.

BILLIE: Oh, really?
What was it?

JORDAN: It's called The Smasher,
and I play the Smasher.

And why is it called
The Smasher?

Well, that,
we don't want to reveal

until The Smasher season four.

But I assume it's because
you smash things.

-Sometimes.
-Right.

But I think we're gonna
try and make

a little more complicated
than that.

Yeah, I mean, that sounds...

-(SCOFFS) Just, wow. Really.
-Mm.

Um... I don't think I would
watch something like that,

but I think
a lot of people would.

Sarah used to say,
"Who's up for a drink or three?"

Normally, the--
the phrase is "or two."

(SOBS) A drink or two!

(CRYING)
I miss her so much!

Do you think that maybe
you should tell her a joke?

Just to kinda, like,
cheer her up.

'Cause you're funny,
you do jokes.

Well, I don't know if you can
cheer up a grieving person

with a joke.

At least, that's what they said
at my son's funeral.

-(LAUGHS)
-There you go.

-You did it.
-Funny! Bleak, but funny.

We need to go and look for Matt.

-JORDAN: Yeah.
-(NADIA SIGHS)

As if someone would want to
have a baby with you. (LAUGHS)

JORDAN: (FORCED CHUCKLE)
Yeah. That's it.

Poor Matt.

Space is a cruel mistress.

DOUG: Mmm.

You'd know about that,
wouldn't you, though? (CHUCKLES)

Super-Casanova.

NASA-nova.

Have you seen the tall weirdo?
(YELLS) Matt!

It's not a life, Doug.

What are you talking about?

You've landed on the stars.

Do you know what I do
for a living?

I co-manage
a sporting equipment store

with a diabetic racist
named Roy.

Sure, but now,
I'm a Punch and Judy Man.

I make balloon animals
for brats.

And brats' moms.

SPIKE: I don't even enjoy
the sex anymore.

Feels like I'm slapping
wet concrete.

Maybe I'm the balloon animal.

No.
You are not a balloon animal.

-Dumb losers say what?
-What?

-SPIKE: What?
-Oh, shit. We shouldn't
have said "what."

That was the whole--
Dammit, good one.

Where's your sex-crazed Russian?

Ugh, he's Swedish,
and he's exhausting.

Ooh. Ah.

Rav?

Hello, Douglas. How are you?
Gosh, this is awkward.

Last time I saw you,
you were kissing my neck.

Thank you so much
for trapping me up here

-with Barney fucking Rubble!
-DOUG: Mia!

God, for the last time,

I was legitimately trying
to help...

-Oh, were you?
-...save this miserable marriage

by sending him away from me
and you into orbit!

Get your hands away from
my girlfriend, mysterious lady.

Girlfriend?

No, no, no, no!

Hey! I know some street moves!
Okay?

I don't want to use
my street moves on you, man.

-MIA: Let's--
-(MADS GRUNTING)

-MIA: Guys--
-DOUG: Where is he?

-(MADS YELPS)
-(DOUG GRUNTS)

I thought this was gonna be
so much hotter than it is.

We're supposed to be
looking for Matt!

Sensing a lot of tension
in this room.

Every room you're in
ripples with tension.

(GRUNTING)

Come on, we're running out
of time to find Matt. This way!

MIA: Get your head
out of his ballsack! Let's go.

Why do I keep thinking
I'm clever? I'm not.

On a good day,
I'm barely not stupid.

-Matt!
-You are clever.

I remember saying that to Iris

the first time I saw
your headshot.

Well, exactly. I'm not clever,

but I look as if I should be.
(SCREECHES) Matt!

Maybe I should shave this off.

It's giving me delusions
of wisdom.

Actually, you can't.

Beardedness is stipulated
in your contract.

(SCREECHES) Matt!

MATT: Ryan. Judd.

What... the fuck
have you been doing?

Just, uh...

you know, having snack attacks
and shrieking.

Did you not hear...

I mean, you're not even hiding.

Well, we're all hiding.
I'm hiding.

-You're hiding.
-You are.

Wh-- What the hell
was "the void?"

-My empty tummy.
-Oh my god.

That makes so much more sense

than a random white room
with a big fan.

Okay, well, Matt,
we need the airlock codes.

No. I've been itemizing
my thoughts. Thought 309:

"Every year, we pass
the pre-anniversary of our death

but we don't even know it,
so we don't get presents."

Seriously, Matt, we need--
we need the codes now, so--

Thought 14:

"Poor octopus...

eight arms, but no hands.

Fuck you, God."

RYAN:
Yeah, that is a good point.

(YELLS) The codes!
Matt, we need the codes.

-Give me-- Give me the codes.
-Oh, jeez.

Where-- Where are they?
What are you doing?

What are you doing-- No,
you stand upright, and I'll--

No, no, no. You stay--

All right, full report.
What is going on?

Mom, you're sweet.

JUDD: Oh my god!

-Hi, Rav!
-Rav!

Not now, Ryan.
Oh, don't "Hey, Rav" me.

-You need to apologize.
-For what? About--

Oh, is this about the fact that
everybody on Earth hates you?

'Cause I am against that.

I'm sorry,
that's not good enough.

I had to leave
an entire planet behind

because a baying mob
wanted to bay me to death!

My life on Earth
is buggered because of you!

And all I'm asking is that you
just acknowledge that

and fucking apologize!

Whoa, whoa! You work for me.

With deep bloody regret, I do!

-(ALL GASP)
-(YELLS) Iris!

-That felt amazing!
-That's assault.

Right! Right.
Yes, that is assault.

-(ALL GASPING)
-JUDD: (SCREAMS) Iris!

-Why didn't I walk away? Iris!
-That's real violence.

Right, who's next? You.

RYAN: You better give her
the codes, Matt.

Violence is never the solution.

-Just hit him. I think hit him.
-Oh, oh, oh--

I haven't even touched you yet.

I'm telling you the number.
Oh-oh-oh-five.

Five?

-BILLIE: Cyrus?
Zero-zero-zero-five...
-For Avenue 5. I made it so that

anyone thinking rationally
would be able to guess it.

But anyone thinking
irrationally,

anyone suicidal, would not.

Well, I didn't get it.
Does that mean I'm suicidal?

Because honestly,
just give me the nod,

-and I'm ready to--
-Don't say that. Ever.

Uh, where's Judd?

SPIKE: He can't--
He can't have gotten far.

He must be headed
for the shuttle.

-What did you say?
-Oh, shittle.

-RAV MULCAIR: Mia--
-(ALL CLAMORING)

DOUG: Since when
is there a shuttle?

(PANTING)

What? All this time, I've been
unduly pleasant to everyone,

and there was a way to get off?

Can we ease up?
I have recent knees.

Come on, people, come on!
(CLAPPING)

-Faster, faster!
-(PANTING)

We run out of time,
I'm gonna be taking names,

room numbers, and teeth!

Honey,
people do not respond well

to threats of dental violence!

Well, you do, Frank.

JUDD: Go, go, go, go, starbuck!

Yes, sir.

Go! Go, go, go!

Yes, sir. We're going,
going, going, going.

That button initiates prelaunch.

The rest is automated.

What the fuck
is the point of having a pilot?

There is a second button.

I shall press that
in due course.

-Oh, good. That sounds fun.
-I'm Paul.

Oh, yes! I've bagged him!

This is what big game hunters
must feel like.

If I was that pilot,
I'd have my finger

on the ejector seat button
the whole way home.

You guys realize I hear
every word

you're saying about me.
It's very hurtful.

Uh... Well, Mr. Judd,

back on Earth,
people really hate you.

So if you go back, you're gonna
get ripped limb from limb,

and then bit of limb
from bit of limb, so...

No! Me? Why?

Uh, well, in order:
hatred, yes, you,

and because you contemplated
mass murder.

On second thought,
what's six months anyway?

I was in my mom's womb
longer than that.

It was great
getting to know you.

Thank you so much for sharing
that story about your name.

-He doesn't wanna go,
he doesn't wanna go.
-IRIS: No, no, no, no--

(ALL CLAMORING)

-Boom. The hero returns.
-Yeah!

Billie, your laugh.
It's a bit loud. Work on that.

What? Where the hell
are you going?

-JUDD: You tricked me!
-(CLAMORING)

Okay, the sad clown

seems to have misunderstood
what we're trying to do here.

All right,
let's start this mother!

Who the hell is he,
and why is he in Judd's seat?

That is Jordan Hatwal,

which is an anagram
for Huge Asshole!

Jordan, I did like you,
but I am very, very weird.

-That is true. She is.
-Where's the pilot gone?

Just remembered I've got to, uh,
change the, uh, travel catheter.

Fuck me!

-DOUG: Go on, go!
-MIA: What? What's happening?

You're gonna drive me
back to Earth?

That little boy's grown
into a man.

He's got himself some fat balls!

Our relationship
is more important

than your lateral career move.

-JORDAN: Jesus!
-DOUG: Go, get in there, honey.

MIA: Oh, my gosh!
I have never been

more attracted to you
than right now!

PAUL: Oh, oh, oh. Hey! Hey!
Only one of you can go home.

All right?
No one else sits that seat.

Doug, I want you to go.
I want you to get home safe.

No, it has to be you.
It has to be you.

-Fucking love you, Mia.
-Oh, Doug!

It never felt right to just yell
at someone like Mads

and have him just absorb it.

I also love you,
yellow princess.

Will you shut the shit up?

-(STAMMERS) Okay. Yeah.
-All that stuff about your laugh

and then trying to get
in the shuttle,

it was all just a joke.
An unclear joke.

You know, Jordan,
you are an unclear joke.

-(JUDD SCREAMS)
-(ALL GASP)

Hey. Did somebody order
the medieval feast?

-BILLIE: That Joe's bits?
-I, uh, stripped him for parts.

Did you only have a clear bag?

No, it actually took me
a while to find this.

It's biodegradable.

So, unfortunately,
are Joe's hands.

They burst in space.

Poor Joe, he'd be so sad
knowing he's not useful.

Handy.

Will you pause

the shitty
open mic night routine

for just two minutes?

I should definitely go.

It's what Sarah would want.

I honestly never heard her say
a good word about you, Nadia.

RYAN: (YELLING) Right!
No, no, no! What do you think--

-No, no, no, no!
Get back! Get back! Mia!
-MIA: No!

Right!
(SHRIEKING) That's it!

My patience has snapped

like a 200-year-old breadstick!
I've had it!

I am the captain still!

And I decide who stays
and who goes!

You two! Pinky and Perky! Out!

-Really?
-Go on! Get out!

MIA: You have an anger problem.

That's the captain I remember
from that headshot.

-MADS: Are they coming back?
-Yeah.

(NADIA SOBBING)

(QUIETLY)
Matt, give me Joe.

No-- no, no, no, don't do that,
not now. Just give me Joe.

Oh look, it's the Queen of Sheba
and the Frank of Sheba.

-Look busy.
-So, uh-- Whoa.

What's that?

It's a bag with some
of my friend in it.

Okay--

You're gonna need a cool bag
because that will drip.

Karen, sorry,
I don't mean to be impolite,

-but shut your piehole.
-Hey!

-Frank.
-Frank.

Just so everybody understands,
whoever goes back,

takes Joe with them. All right?

Okay, okay.

Maybe... (GAGS)
Maybe you should go.

What, me?

Get some rest.
Watch some cricket.

Why? Because I'm standing here
like this?

You realize I don't usually.

You're very unhappy.

You know that thing you do
where you act sarcastic

so we all feel sorry for you?
It works. We do.

Whatever it is
you were trying to do,

we appreciate that.

I related to you

-because you always fell short.
-Yeah.

You know what?
Maybe I should be captain.

It's-- It's kinda weird
that I'm not.

RYAN: Well, I am moved
by your faith.

And then your lack of it.
And now, your indifference.

Bye.

All right, come on, Chuckles,
let's go.

Yes, sir, I've--
I've pressed the button.

(SIGHS) All right.

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

RYAN: Billie? What--
Why aren't you doing the...

Why do you think?

Oh, fuck! No!

-No, I can't go.
-No?

You need my hands...

to-- to--
the big fucking steel--

because Joe's hands are now
pulped to buggery!

-Yeah.
-No, I've gotta stay.

But actually, this forgetfulness

makes me think
maybe you should go.

-Is he... always like that?
-BILLIE: Oh, yeah.

He occasionally switches up
the accent,

but for the most part, this is
what I've been dealing with.

Maybe I should go.

Frank!

Okay. No, I'm good.

Shut up, Frank, 'cause
the seat's got my name on it!

What? Oh, does the seat say
"Smasher Fuckboy" on it?

You know what? I'm done
with this hokey-pokey bull-S.

All right, uh,
set port side jettison.

Hit that baby!

JUDD: (AUTOMATED VOICE)
Jettison commencing.
Fifty-five, 54...

You know, you've been
my least favorite so far.

Well, you're not exactly
Audrey Hepburn, are you?

-So let's just... (SIGHS)
-JUDD: (AUTOMATED)
...forty-nine...

Yeah, well, it is time
for the second button.

JUDD: (AUTOMATED)
...forty-six, 45...

PAUL:
That was the second button.

JUDD: (SECOND AUTOMATED VOICE)
Shuttle launch commencing.

-JUDD: (FIRST AUTOMATED VOICE)
...forty-one...
-Sixty...

-...forty...
-...fifty-nine...

-...thirty-nine...
-...fifty-eight...

-...thirty-eight...
-...fifty-seven...

What is this,
a barbershit quartet?

This is like psychosis,

but without
any of the advantages.

Why would you use
your own voice?

I have a beautiful voice.

Iris, do you remember the day
that we recorded my numbers?

Yes, you struggled to count
in reverse,

so he counted up
and made us re-edit it.

(LAUGHS) So genius.

Okay, make a hole.
Judd coming through. Come on.

JUDD: Why am I going now?
I thought we all agreed

that every living creature
on Earth hated me.

Is it 40 or four for the launch?

-Get your talentless ass
outta here.
-No, no!

JUDD: (AUTOMATED)
...thirty-one...

-Airlocks open, yes.
-IRIS: Judd!

Get your talented ass in here!

And jettison.

-(RUMBLING)
-(ALL EXCLAIMING)

I didn't touch anything.

We just jettisoned
from the port side airlocks.

We're gonna home in six months,
baby.

That's the woman
who made me marry her!

You jettisoned out of the rear,
not the port side.

You said "port side."
It's the rear of the ship.

The port side airlock jettison,
yeah.

-No, the rear of the ship...
-No, the port--

...is where we were
jettisoning things out.

-Oh, that's right. Yeah.
-BILLIE: Yeah.

But no. Um... Because we had
so much stuff that--

And there are five airlocks
along the port side

and only two at the stern.
So it was more efficient,

you know,
to jettison from the port side.

No, the whole point

is to jettison
from the back of the ship

'cause that's what
pushes you forwards,

-in the direction you wanna go.
-(COUNTDOWN CONTINUES)

You've gotta... shit out
of the back of the ship.

This is basic shitting!

Even babies know that, Karen.
They shit out the back

-pretty consistently.
-Right.

Karen, babies shit
from the back!

I've seen babies do that.
They do it in diapers!

Right, does no one teach physics
in America?

-Somebody explain it properly!
-Cyrus. Cyrus, get on it.

If you push on the left,
if you push on the left...

-Then you p--
-...you push-- you change...

-Oh my god.
-She gets it now.

You have knocked us off course.

I feel like I'm dying
and my teeth are falling out.

-On our new trajectory...
-I don't wanna hear this.

CYRUS: ...the soonest
we could even attempt

a rescue from Earth...

-eight years.
-(SOBS)

(ALL SCREAM)

JUDD: (WAILING)
Iris!

Get that door, Doug!

No! No, you can't--
Don't-- You can't--

-(MIA YELLING)
-RYAN: Leave it!

The door is closed.

Yeah, I like to have it
like that when we go to space.

-(JUDD YELLS)
-No, no, no!

-Can you unclose it?
-No. No, it's on the auto-lock.

That's short for automatic lock.

Iris!

I'm trapped!

I need you to do something
really bad

so that everybody looks at you
and not at me, okay?

I feel like I've fallen
into nettles naked.

Remember when
Frank pushed the button?

Yeah! Remember that, right?

Frank pushed the button.
What an asshole Frank is.

I wonder which will go first,
the mind or the body?

(GRUNTING)

My money's on the mind.

-(ALL CLAMORING)
-JUDD: (AUTOMATED)
Detach. Detach.

-BILLIE: Get away from the door.
-MIA: No!

Too late.
It's officially too late!

No!

-Eight years. (CHUCKLES)
-JUDD: (AUTOMATED)
...fifteen, fourteen...

-MATT: (YELLING) Eight years!
-...thirteen, twelve...

That's longer
than the Beatles were together!

-JUDD: (AUTOMATED) ...nine...
-That's longer than
the Seven Years' War!

-You no-good
fucking side shitter.
-...six, five, four...

-It's true. I am Frank.
-...three, two...

-And I'm so sorry. (SOBS)
-...one. Launching.

Launching. Launching.

-(IRIS SCREAMS)
-Launching.

Iris!
You were like a coworker to me.

Don't touch my stuff!

Help! Stop it! Go back, go back!

-Go back!
-PAUL: Ow!

This has been a horrible day.

Iris!

You think she can hear me?

No.

But you may as well
keep screaming.

Iris!

ALL: (SCREAMING) Iris!

♪ (ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

♪ (DISCORDANT ELECTRONIC
MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪