Original subtitles

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When I landed it, what do you think? They had the same spinner in its mouth.

It was the bastard that got away the day before. 22 and a half pounder.

You never invited me to your swell friend's water. Swell friend?

I don't know about swell. He used to be a scrap iron merchant.

You should see his gypsy curls sticking out of his back velvet riding hat.

Riding hat? God help us. Sounds a bit of a lad. How's he like his money then, Terry?

Straightening local counsellors and town planners. Ah, that's the gait of being.

All his other lock, climbing up, stacked quarts. Would you say his home was?

I didn't. Oh, leave. Oh, put me beside him. You, you've con your own mother.

Then where would I fish on Sunday? I'm not giving him away.

Where's his father, Terry. Near Southampton on the River Tess. Cost him a fortune.

He could 50,000 pounds. He could get 50,500 pounds. He could go to the river.

Thank you. $20,000 for the fishing, right? So what do you think?

He fishes for salmon on his own water with dirty great lob worms.

Nice country, gentlemen. He is. You're a fire-walker.

Shall I help you with your notes, Rob?

Yeah. I must tell you, I go down in the back of his big back rolls.

See? Well, his name dropping all the way, you know. Lord Ser's MP, he's the lot.

Boasting about his millions.

So as you're going past this beautiful big manor house, he says,

that was mine, you note? I'll give it to the Derby and Joan club.

That's another story. Why don't you leave Alfa and let him finish?

Anyhow, to cut a long story short, when we get down there,

so he opens the boot of his... what is it? It all knows he dropped all that.

As I say, he opens his boot and there must have been a

thousand quids worth of Hardie's fishing gear in there.

You know, all the right mark. He then gets out a fire bucket.

It's all full of earth and lob worms.

Well, we don't go to the fire mouse, we go straight down to the water's edge.

He sticks on his Polaroid glasses, lays on the

edge, looks down in the water and he says,

ah yes, There's a butte laying there.

Before you knew where he was, he had three lob worms

trying to get out of the 15-pound salmon's mouth. Yes.

When he laid it on the bank, he said, the Queen Mother will like that.

Well, you must be joking. Queen Mother. He said she's in residence, you know,

and Earl Waters next to mine.

But they haven't caught a single salmon there this week. I shouldn't think so.

We're bleak and great buckets of worms going down.

Well, it starts more like the poacher in a millionaire. Poacher? Ignick your boots.

He says he can't send his boys to eat and on bread and dripping. Yes, luck.

Anyhow, when we get back to Fulham that night,

as I'm getting out the car he says to me,

Terry he says, you know a lot of people.

I was wondering, could I buy a knighthood knighthood? Well I'll give 50 grand.

Mind you my old woman wouldn't like it, but

then I'm a freeman of the city and you know

I'd like to be Lord Mary.

Sounds as if he might end up mayor of Pentonville, Nick, the way he's going.

He hasn't got no form. What do I tell you?

The new affluent society evolved from white collar cray.

Oh my God, do you realise one of these sons could finish up as Prime Minister?

Oh, no, straight up. You could.

Bink up gentlemen, it's past the time, I don't want to lose my license!

Come on, I'm going to get the money. I want to get to me kept.

Can I have a word with you? You've been sitting here all night keeping off.

I've got all these glasses to clear up. I'm short-starved.

Quick, what is it? I want a shut-up shot. Can you do me a check for a tenner?

I've told you before. I don't change kites. A fiver then? No, I said.

Free quid, old boy. Don't, oh boy, me. I've a box full of bouncing kites down there.

Could you lend me a cup of liquid? I don' lend.

You Here, take this,

Nicker. That's the entrance fee to your club. Oh, thanks, sir.

Well, boy. And give you a bouncer to Murray Fisher.

What's that? What's okay for that horse? You know that one. Oh, that was second.

Then I'll have a bit of a tickle now. Yeah, well, I thought that was...

Now and again, I'm sorry. May I speak to Sergeant Cox, please?

I'd love a drink, then. Oh, hello, Sergeant. It's George, yes.

Sergeant, it's my birthday today. Yeah, we could do that. It's due mine, Sergeant,

and I look, four of my very old friends will be having a little after time.

They're all members of the same lodge. Thank you very much, Sergeant!

Oh, Sergeant... Would you like to come to my lady's night? You and the Mrs.

Yes, off Scotland, the hour will be there. Superintendent Natchez, Grandmaster.

All right, Sergeant, I'll fix it. Oh, and, Sarge, thank you very much. Good night.

I'll just ask the lights, lads. How did you ever become a Mason?

So was he become a public that's straightened some, lad?

You've got to have at least three convictions before they'll let you into his lodge.

He's here. Where? Upstairs.

Rob! Me old mate! Ah, yeah. Fine, Betsy, fine. Never let you down to the...

Ah, thanks a lot, Terry. Good to see you, Rob. Hi, Tim Boy. Welcome home, Ron Boy.

George. Sorry about the old little rub.

Can't expect a young woman to wait eight years, I suppose.

I don't know, some can't wait a day.

Hazel rings me up at four o'clock in the morning. Some don't well me son.

That porridge is put a bit of weight on any. It's a fiddle.

I can do it out the porridge, though. All right, you ought to get out there.

I can't chew, Rod. I've got a pile of mine, got little plates.

Two hundred quiddy drop in the frozen.

Now I've gotta do a couple things first. I gotta get some money.

Here, Ron, how's the ferret taking his porridge?

Knocked him sick. You know, 30 stretches is a lot of Christmas pudding.

Is he all right? Has he got a screw straightened? He can have the earth for my part.

No, chew, worry about the ferrets. I'm looking all the rim.

I gave a screw a screw last week. and I'll keep him in snuff for a while.

Wish I could have said a birdie. Yeah, did like a bird. Well, don't we all?

But you can do the right sort, don'y? Now, money first, crump it after.

Anyway, have you been going over, son? Oh, I don't too bad. No fireworks.

I had a cup of tickles, but I don'en have to turn it up.

Tickle? Listen, lads, I think I've got the greatest tickle of them all.

I want a summing rod. something big. All right, well, let's have it then, George.

Let's get some money. Well, there's been a mob coming in here lately

using the public bar. Now, a little while ago, he offered me a gold watch.

And I knocked him back. What about a week late?

About a week later, I see me barman wearing a watch.

Well, when I have a look at it, it's the right mark, and it pours under Gwydwyrd.

So I got for him, didn't I? And he tells me it's same geezer,

sold it to him for a tenner. He's bent, and he...

Right, well, when he comes in next time, I'll give him the old work, you know.

Two or three last got you, see what he's made of. What a night, George.

Will you listen, Patsy? Will you Listen?

Come on, I'll give him two or three large scotches. See what he's made of.

Well, it turns out he's the number one choker on an airfield down near Southampton.

He's a security guard for the Queen's Bond. Number one, eh? What does that mean?

He's our number one man, stupid. He guards the bully, and he practically

sleeps with the gold. He's in there with it. What more do you want? A reference?

There are sometimes up to five million in there.

You left it all to be much sleep with a bastard. George could we use it?

No, leave him. Do without him. You come unstuck with mugs.

Yes, there's nothing worse than half-white mug. Where do you say this is?

Southampton. Yes, what about no airport near Southamptons?

I'm making it up, ain't I? Having a lock, fun and games.

Why don't you shut up, Patsy?

Look, there must be something to it, because my barman's

wearing four under quidworths on his wrist, isn't he?

He's spoken of this mug recently. Look, I had him in here a fortnight ago.

I had a little after time drink. It was his night off.

He was pleased as punch of course. I copped for the old lot after a few scotches.

Hey, George, what makes you so sure?

The circumstances, he come out with it so natural.

Newspaper happened to be laying down there on the table.

He cops the headlines on the front page.

More cobblers about the great train robbery, you know.

So I say nothing, ask him nothing.

Well then he starts boasting about his job and now no one can get into his place.

So I string him along a bit, don't I?

I say how some of these scoundrels can get in anywhere.

Well then, he tells me, you'll laugh.

The strong room is right in the middle of a field.

There's barbed wire, wire nets, all that cobblers.

He's locked inside and Carl led himself out.

Now he's visited every hour by two other guards.

I don't know the full SP. I didn't want to ask many questions.

I was waiting for the Scots to work. All right. Sounds very interesting.

So we've got an hour to play with.

Even if you copped for the gold, you'd never make the London in an hour.

I'd have to draw the box around there, wouldn't we?

Anyway, I don' believe there's that amount of gold anywhere.

I didn' believe it was two and a half million

on the train, but there was and they got it.

And the ferry got 30 years.

We're not here to discuss the train robbery. That's water under the bridge.

I was only one thinker. We'll have to go down and have a butchers. Time game.

Well, I caught weight.

Yeah, but if you've only got an hour, there's one or two things we've got to do.

Now, first thing we've gotta do is find the right place to dwell that box.

Yeah. Terry, that millionaire you was telling us about.

Ain't his man a right body airport? South Antrim, won't he? A couple of miles away.

Yeah, well, can't you get us an invite? Rowers all in.

I've always fancied the land, you gentler. I told you, leave off.

Right, then we go down and have a look at the layout tomorrow.

Yeah, we can have a nice day's fishing. Yeah, well we can, but you're not Tim.

You're going to go right into the airport and give your eyes a chance.

Ain't it nice? I fancy today's fishing!

You cop for this gold and you can go fishing in a barbers!

Come on, let's get down and get a hold of it.

Patsy boy, I don't want to hurt your feelings.

You're a good grafter, but let's face it, you

weren't blessed with the Queen's English.

So when we get down there, keep your gob shut.

Thank you.

Thank you.

you

Wait a minute, I've got a fish on here.

Fish, silly bastard, you're buying me a fishers.

You got everything under your fancy? He's telephoto, it's a milder sea vege.

Got nearly everything. I reckon we make the approach by water.

Sea is favorite, don't it? We'll see what Tim comes up with tonight on the roof.

Hey Terry, how far is your pal, the fishing tide couldn't spawn from it.

About four miles. All right, well let's go down and see him now.

Silly on, don' t rush it. He's a very useful man to me.

He mixes with all the other fish.

I even a retired commissioner of police comes down fishing.

Oh, he can't eat and speak the Queen's English. Why, can he?

No, but he's worth three million pounds, and he's director of the public company.

It doesn't matter how you speak when you've got that kind of money.

Imagine him eating dinner at this table.

Why, he cannot use a knife and fork, and it keeps gurgling.

One more word out of you about the way to table. I'll pick it up. Shut up.

I'll take it up, shut up.

Listen, Terry, if you don't want anything to do with it, you just say so, eh?

That's a long time.

money we're off this and so we get to meet the season of better you agree.

What does he think you are? Director of a property company.

You see go for this used to disquiet us shows his bookmakers clothes that it was

more than the Dutch company directors. Come out the back streets and not in it.

I went to the same school. They used to call him Cod size.

He's got two big eyes like current stuff on a suit for him.

He used to be a motor dealer. Made a lot out of out of crooked motors.

You copy cover billionaire out of ringing bolt. That's right.

He sold a bomb car side. He had to a petrol company for 50,000 pounds.

Then he left the motor business and decided to go straight.

He concentrated on straightening petrol companies agents

to push up the purchase price of land.

Then he moved on to local councils and the town planning department.

There's all cop and no blue there. MPs often lunch with him at the airport.

He gives money to old people's charities and the conservative party.

He loves coppers, despite the fact he got two

of them the sack for corruption last year.

He's an informer. Where? No, he fears he's kept quite a value.

Where do you come in, then? Crumpet. That's his weakness. Crumpets.

See, with all that money, he's too lazy to get the birds.

Well, you know, fellas, how lucky I am with the birds?

I'll borrow his rolls, pick up a couple of darlings

and swagger them back to his lovin' essence.

Who let you hit that? No, mate, it's Butler Charlie Charlie.

Who ever heard of a Butler called Charlie? Well, Charlie is.

And he wears no fancy clothes except when the lords and ladies are about.

He loves Charlie because Charlie's full of dirty jokes.

Watch it, mate. Archibald Cooper, MBE.

Grafter, Corruptor, Informer, Factor, Right Goats. You said it.

Mr. Clegg, you've always been down and pick up nothing. There's no taste in nothing.

You have a rector standing in six acres doing nothing.

Now you can decide whether to dispose of it or keep it.

Now you're all powerful body have only just taken your advice.

That's why you are their advisor. Reckon men disposal me at my reasonable price

and it's 10 grand for you. You see, for that's the next order.

I've got big development on. Maybe half a million profit.

You can have a bit more later on. Don't be a Mr. Nobody all your life.

I'm sorry, I couldn't do it. You're dressed up like a Pockstock this Clark.

You're cut 20 quid a week. You're worth a grand a week!

That's what you can have from me.

Let me have the first pass.

put it into me for 165 grand and there's 20% of the profit for you.

You can keep your ecclesiastical bosses happy. We'll be happy.

You can spend a month for my yacht in the south of France.

But I just couldn't do it.

I'm happy with my few pounds a week and a clear conscience. Now listen to me.

Don't you talk about conscience to me? Do you think all that mob in the city

have got conscience trouble? They've milked pension funds, insurance companies.

They're all at it.

Here, I'll tell you something about religious principles.

I've had a bishop up north, striking for years, advising what property to sell.

You know, if you used your loaf...

to become a millionaire.

Thank you. Bye.

Cop this, Graham. Don't be a Mr. Nobody all your life.

Everybody's got their price, Mr. Clegg. Well, you've now met one who hasn't.

I'll remain a Mr Nobody. Good day, sir.

Your friend Mr Terry is up. Sorry to intrude. Very boy! Nice to see you!

What were you doing in this part of the country?

I had a day's fishing with some property friends

of mine a couple of miles up the river.

Terry, Terry, why didn't you come here?

I mean I've got the best fishing in that car, aren't I?

The farm cost me a quarter of a million, didn't it?

Well where are your friends then? Out in the car. Charlie, bring Terry's friends in.

Very good. Nice to se you. Yeah, better get off this gear.

Emirates to see me at this outfit.

Oh, very nice. What? Oh, the picture. If you like it, it's a good picture, isn't it?

You know, one day they're going to call me Sir Archibald Cooper. Yes, you may laugh.

Oh.

This is Ronnie. Hello there. How do you do? And this is Pat Seagal. Mr. Major, come.

You're welcome. Any friend of Terry's is welcome.

You know, I want a wall of girls like him. His French accent and his good looks.

Nice to see you. Well, come on, have a drink. Charlie, bring in some bubbly...

No, it's fine. ...Champagne. She does, eh? She does. Thank you. Of course.

Ah, that's a good one. Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. Thank you so much.

Thank you for coming. Thank you again. Thank you too. Thank you and thank you.

Thank you as well. Thank you to all of you. Thank you. Oh, uh, 500 quid there.

Come on, sit there. I'll make yourself a sit-down.

No, no, no. Quid, lie me.

Remember when you couldn't pay the rent, 500 quit to that old cow.

Shut your gob. You're supposed to be a lady.

Oh, don't want to be lady.

You are the one who wants to be Sir Archie Boat Bloody Coon.

Don't you call me Archie, Boat. Archie's my name. He's a bit touchy on that.

Cool. Get out of here. You just listen to me. I'm not giving her no 500 quits.

She's on the fiddle, I suppose, I'll keep her.

That's right. Get upstairs. Get them steel rollers out your nose.

I suppose you think I didn't see you around the

staples with her yesterday, old sea-looking bitch.

Ooh, would you like to order in, Zarcher?

Yes, I know what she'd like you to order. You'd like a breakfast, wouldn't you?

But you got a bit of me, aren't you, bolder?

I'll get back to the shepherd's bush washing baths of your mother.

Ealy, my mother, I'll have it.

There's one thing your old woman fought shy at the bath all her life to do.

She's off again. A nice turn-up in front of these gentlemen. Then come out.

Well he is the lighter killer, Procedigal Bert lately.

Sorry about that. Now it's a change of large. Send them a bit barmy, you know.

Well go and sit down. Make yourselves at home. Go on. Thanks so much.

You can't do enough for some women. I'll take them to Buckingham Palace.

The Queen shook hands with her, a girl of

film premier for the National playing field,

and in front of Prince Philip she asked me for a snub. Oh, well, that's right.

Another thing, instead of coming on my yacht with

Lord and Lady Whitbread, what do you think?

She only goes and tells you if she'd rather pick ops with her mother.

Oh, yeah, I know. Ah, you're nice. Ah, it doesn't matter, it does't matter.

Come on, chaps. Let's forget it. Let's drink to the good life, right? Yes. Yes.

Yeah, she's a bit of a rucker. Eatery. You found any beautiful birds lately? Yes.

I've got a cracker for you. You haven't. Seventeen. Get out of it.

Long blonde hair down to her waist, wears kinky boots, says she loves me.

Goes right through the card.

I'll give it to you, but keep her in the family. Yeah.

Well, when can I see her? What's she do for a living?

She's a secretary in Knightsbridge. Oh, yeah. Uh, I'll know what.

Emma goes away to Brighton next week for a fortnight.

Why don't you bring her down, eh? Yeah.

Why don' you all come down for a few days fishing, shoot and ride in?

Oh, that's very nice. Yeah.

Are you free, both of you? Yeah, of course. Love to. Thanks a lot. You?

Yes. I've never caught a salmon, right? That's fixed. Now, er...

Why don't you ring me before you come? Say next Monday? Yeah.

It will have some sea trout fishing at night. You ever seen them at night?

No. Oh, they're marvellous. They glide. That's one moment, sir.

Can you get a girl to stay for a week? She'll do what I say. She said she loved me.

Good fish up, sir? Right through the card and on.

I love Bishop.

Yeah.

Oh yeah. Well, uh... I'll start

it with a thousand times.

No. Not at all, so fresh.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, let's say 30 minutes then.

Right on in. Bob-up. Yeah, Bob- Bob-Up Bishop. Bob-Up.

Uh, sorry boys. I must go.

It's the Bishop. He's introducing me to the Lord Lieutenant of the County.

And, uh, also, I'll be tonight. He did, uh...

Grant with new youth clubs at the County Press will all be there.

You know, don't you? Yeah.

So,

Sorry, I think you're starting on your left, aren't you?

Well, it's been a pleasure meeting you. Till next week then. That's it. Goodbye.

Bye-bye. Bye-Bye.

Bye. Terry, you won't forget about the girl, will you?

17, eh?

Can't wait. Nice next. Darling, it's a cracker.

Oh, you're so beautiful. All for a little you. All for little you!

And what will we have to do for all this? Nothing, Hazel, nothing.

Don't give me all that old fanny-tary. I've known you for three months, haven't I?

Well, I may be 18, but I'm not so daft. Now, what is it? Not another jail break.

No, darling. Oh, by the way... It's a hundred quid for Ronnie. Thanks, Ma.

What is it then? Just look 16. Just look sixteen, mate.

Why, oh, do I look 16?

I have a man who's crazy on schoolgirls, like it's nothing over 60.

Jesse, old man, you in the precure or something?

I do a couple of property deals with him.

I'm going to be in trouble with the taxman anyway. I need this deal.

But then we can get out. We live in the south of France. Say we do. Of course we.

Next thing you know, you'll be wanting me as a wife.

I do want to marry you, don't you?

Oh, why do you know? I must have this on the wrong finger.

Do I take it that we're engaged? Right, now let's get this straight. We're engaged.

We love you. We're going to be married. We're gonna live in the sun.

Before the bride and I time to have a double with somebody else.

said a word to her what do you think I'm a 22 carat mug I wouldn't tell me own

mother she'll keep archie busy down on the front then when it's all over I

whip her off to Monte Carlo she run of the strength through the newspapers by

the time I finish

all right Jim right how'd it go I haven't been wasting me time yeah take

the butchers at that

What's the picture? What do you want, my life?

Well, where's the cold dead? What's that? Lead?

Good work, Tim, boy. Ah, that's more like it. It's handsome.

I can't understand why they don't find a strong building.

That looks like an asbestos roof to me. It is. I've been up on it. On the roof? Yes.

I didn't tell you to do that. You might have messed it all up. Messed it up?

What part are you going to play? Come on, come on. Too old for that.

But I did put the job up, didn't I? Turn it up, George. What else, Tim?

I took a trip to Ireland, didn' I? When I came back from Dublin,

you were a little bit more than I thought.

instead of going up the slope for arrivals I

slipped away to a field at the side of the river.

Side of the River you say? Yeah, hold on look.

It runs right by the back of the building. Anyway I lay in the field.

Then at ten o'clock last night I got onto the roof.

I couldn't see much at first but after a couple

of minutes two guards came out of an office

at the gate of the compound. They walked twenty yards to the doors of the bond.

and done gold knows how many locks.

Then one of them goes inside carrying a can of tea.

He puts it down and away they go. Still can't make out what they built

a strong room in the middle of a field.

They haven't finished building a new terminal yet,

you lemon, that's a temporary building. The new one will be like the Bank of Israel.

I thought you were gonna tell us how to nick the gold.

I'll leave that to you, brain. Smell me, George.

You'd have been a bit of a new doony if you had been there, wouldn't you?

I have to get rid of the God. You have to have a knock out. Can we do his tea?

That's a bit of a joke. We'll have to do it before he gets it.

No, that's how. They make it in the office.

Tell you what, I think we'll have to do it up from the inside.

Tim, you'll have got in that roof again.

Me? What about you? Why don't you go up there for a check? You know it backwards.

If you don't want to go up, there I'll go up. I don't care. I want the money.

All right, then you go. I'll get in. He knows I can't leave our cheese.

Now, let's stick the roof to you. Now, Tim, you go out on the roof.

Now, see if there's any chance of getting it out too. See where they leave it.

Much obliged. Do I get paid overtime for this? Yeah, it's an idea.

What up with all the urea? Looks like he's starting when he's gone on strike.

Why don't you go up there now for a trowel?

I should be socially indispensable at all.

That's him I just said, get up on the roof. Now will you cut out the comedy?

All right, enough, then. Right, now let's go to the next

points.

now you know about that may that's a very well be up on the floor

you can you and your to be done at south and

now we'll meet up every day at eight is possible but a bridge

i will be on the two-way radio now we will meet up the day after tomorrow right

Thank you.

Don't move older.

Three miles. Both banks right up to the bridge body airfield.

Oh Charlie, me and Aisle are going for a nice trot through the forest.

Are the Aussies saddled? Yes, Garth. Don't call me Garth in front of guests.

Right, sir.

Bye.

until you see what's inside. Adam and Wellington, fireplaces,

Queen Anne furniture, Louis Kerns furniture.

Also, I got the finest collection of paintings in the country.

Constables a laugh in Cavalier, the stag of babe.

I think you're a bit of a stag yourself.

And I've got the original bed that Queen Elizabeth was first selected. No.

Come on, I'll show it to you.

Yeah.

Dolly, do you want Bobra about the horses?

That's a brand new spinning rod I've got there. Feel the weight of that.

I wouldn't know would I? The only fish I've ever had spin with chips

wrapped up in the news of the world. You are ignorant.

Why don't you educate yourself? I'll take you anywhere. Another cup of tea, sir.

Thanks. You should have a good day's fishing today, sir, so I stay for it.

Do you fish? Oh, yes, sir! Cigarette. No, thank you, sir I roll my own.

Yes, I fish for sea trout at the Erfield pool.

Can't get away during the day, of course, but I gather an alley every evening.

Good pool, that beautiful place. Herons, kingfishers. Really beautiful.

Brother reminds me of Lord Bondley's place in Devon. Devon, is that your house?

No, sir. I come from Dorset.

Now I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before.

possibly in the army during the war. I was never in the Army any time.

Well, to tell you the truth, sir, you have me worried too.

You see, I recognize you the first time you came here.

I'll say you're a very strange butler.

You know, you wrote cigarettes like an older... Don't say it, sir.

I also play chess.

No, look, I'm no more a genuine bachelor than you are a property deal.

You're on the run from the field. Oh, come on then, where was it?

On the Moor 55, being clear for nine years.

I was in the B-Wing U in the carpenter shop.

Of course Charlie the butler, what do you know about that?

If you've told us it's gone your way it's longer. You and the name of Ronnie Sharp.

As for me, well I've got seven points for robbing while battling

and to put me cards on the table,

well they've warned out from their rest in Lincolnshire.

Still, another man here, the Governor, takes me abroad with him on his yacht.

He doesn't know it yet, but...

a job becoming back. Lady Kerr mode. What do you think it was all past and the

council was a big deal never mind if they catch me I'll still get 10 years maybe

14 I don't want to die. One big through me. Thanks about it. By the way I heard from

Charlie Wilson number done 30 30 for the great train lobby at ill.

Go on. For him he was a good boy.

We are.

coming out into my being, you know?

Hey, you might have your chance.

Well? Sorry.

Are you going? Well, anytime.

I'm not sure what I'd better lose with a ten years' tax day in the face.

Bye, Frankie.

Yeah.

Yeah, well never mind about that. I've found a nice little insurance company

where I have a couple of million lying around doing nothing. Yeah.

Be in the office 10 o'clock Monday. I'm having lunch with the insurance staff

at half past 12, so that gives us a couple of hours of see how we can trim them up.

Right.

Thank you, ma'am.

Ha ha ha ha!

I wonder what's happened to Ronnie. Give him a buzz. All right.

Hello, Ron. What's happened?

See you in a few minutes. Bye, Doe.

Probably.

You're in trouble. Not serious, he says. He's on his way.

Oh! Trouble? Some word trouble with this bloody gear.

Don't take someone taking so far to my bloody neck.

Here. Oh, sure you're our one rabble, Lloyd. Hold on. Let's get this.

That's my bloody lot. I've bleed it. Turn it up will you? I've got a salmon on here.

I thought I had one, then. You think you're fishing for whales?

With half a loaf of bread and a float? Who gets all in the trouble if you fall?

Trouble? I've been in worse trouble in my life.

What's the charge, robbing a fish with a rye? That's a-so-gra-up.

Look at this! No luck at all. Water's a bit low. Ah, yes sir.

You and the Devon board and bring them up to the sea. Not many people, taken. No.

What do you want then? Devon blue. Ah, you see yellow belly. White

Cooper's pool.

Best pool on the river. Good day sir. Bye. Thank you very much.

fish is a violent fish. I don't think it's right.

Pull it out, you're a sufficient little. I'm still pleading.

You don't mind whacking someone over the head for a few quids,

but when it comes to that in a poor, no-no-no. I thought you fell in the river.

Sorry. The legs have it,

then. Mr. Butler is tumbling me. He knows I'm on the run.

Oh, Charlie? Yeah, Charlie. He's one of our own. He was on the move with me in 54.

He's done plenty of politics. What are we going to do then?

We'll have to put him in on it. It's not for me. I'm not grafting with no stranger.

More or no more. You told him nothing. I had to. Had to? Had to!

Come on, let's get out of here before the heavy mob will arrive. Hold on, hold on.

The heavy mob won't ever get here.

He won't grasp. He's wanting to steal Lady Camo's jewelry in Lincoln.

I read about him. He got a job with a butler and scarlet with all the top.

A sufferer, one of us. I tell you, we've got no worries. In fact, he's a godsend.

Now, we're going to need him. What do you say?

Doesn't look as though we've got much choice, does it?

Here, I think I've got a bit of a nibble. I ask you to listen to me.

Now why don't you turn it up? We're not down here for a lock. Lock?

I was up on the roof of that strongwagon last night in the freezing cold.

Don't have a go at me. I'm not having a go, are you? Don't let us have a round.

Let's get some money and round off.

right.

When I was on the roof I took out a bolt and I had a good butcher's through the

hole.

At 10pm the guard opened up the strong room and put down a can of tea.

I've measured

up exactly where we go through the roof.

It's 8 foot 9 from the front edge and 7 foot

2 from the near side. I'm happy. I timed them last night and we've got 2 and I mean

2 minutes from the time they put down the

his tea can.

Right, give us one of the details. Right.

Now bring up the tea can, they put it on the ledge.

They go out, they dub up the doors. They go back down the path and into the

office. Then they bring up their geese on the inside and tell him his tea's there.

They have a little matter and he gets up and goes down and picks up his tea.

And that's your lock. Two minutes. That's a bit doggy, Toby.

No, I think it's a dog, or what are you talking about?

Two minutes is a long time now.

I reckon he can trust a man up and top him in 25 seconds.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Let's get up there and have a go as soon as the banker. Right.

Then we'll have a going on Friday. Oh, no fair, Chiefs.

We'll have to go and have it go. Fancy it.

I shouldn't be all that gold-leaked fancy and I can't wait. Right.

Then Friday night is the Marley night.

Arise, Sir Archibald.

about a Cuba.

I must remind you I've battled in some of the best families in the country.

But don't tell me the Queen would be so bleeding roots to leave out my surname.

I'm in contact with Her Majesty in many ways and I can assure

you the way I'm telling you now, sir, is the correct way.

Now shall we try it again, sir?

Now, when I give you the third tap on the shoulder, you rise and you retire.

Bow and retire back.

Actually, you must never turn your back on Her Majesty if you've got that, sir.

Shall we try again, Sir?

flies when dancing. Oh, flies. Oh.

You ready, sir? Yeah.

Arise, Sir Archibald.

It's going well, sir. It's at the right. At your right, sir? Over here.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh! It's coming, boy. What is? A tap on the shoulder.

The Queen has bestowed me a knighthood for me charitable service. Yes! It's good.

Here's the lemonade! Come on, have a drink! Come on! Let's drink to the good life!

Are you marvelous? She's really good. I'm really good! Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!

It came this morning! Oh, excuse me a minute.

I've got you some drinks. Um, Sir Archibald Cooper speaking. I'll have a drink.

Yeah, yeah, that's right. Oh, and by the way, thanks for everything.

Oh, and let's make that $5,000 for the youth club.

No, not at all, it's a pleasure. Yeah, you're coming to the Aunt Ball, of course.

Yeah, that's right, tonight. Bob-

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ha ha ha ha!

Bye bye, dear, bye bye.

Good sort, old Bishop. Getting a bit expensive, though. Still, you never know.

It might make me a lord, eh, Charlie? Eh, what about Lord Cooper? Captain.

Let's raise our glasses to Sir Archibald. Oh, Sir Archiblald. Sir Archbald.

And he is the lady, Cooper. Courses makes Emperor Lady, doesn't he?

So when do you have to go down to the past? About three and a half weeks' time.

I'm surprised. This morning, I opened up the mail there.

But I was a little bit uncomfortable with it. You know, same couple.

Lady and Cooper, sir. Oh, come on. I'll be right back with you, Aisle.

Hello, I'm your mum.

Emma, Emma, you mustn't swear like that now darling, you're a lady now.

You

Yeah, that's right. You can call me Sir Archie from now on.

Yeah, and Emma, Emma, I'm going to buy you one of them lovely diamond...

What's their name? Tiara's. Who? Tiara. Yeah, Tiara, dear.

I can stick it, can I? You miserable old cow!

Stick it!

Oh, you can stick it too.

And get back to the eelshop with your conniving, old mother.

That's done it. She's coming back tomorrow.

I shall have to go up to London. Sorry to cut your stay short, boss.

I can't stand doing nagging, you know? We understand. But never mind!

The hunt for tonight is the best night out in the county.

They'll all remember Sartre-Bould, Cooper's fall.

Well, I'm going to have a quick bath.

Come on, I zone out. Come on. We'll show you back.

That's Friday out then.

I thought it was going to retire. And me?

Why did he group pig light and have to get lightened?

Because he put plenty of money about like Maudie Gregory. No, that's not.

Glad to have a try tonight.

Well, I suggest as soon as the hunt ball starts at 9 o'clock,

we head for the airport. Then we can easily be back here well before the dance

really gets going. Yeah, we get all the gear we need up there after sunset.

I'll give Tim and George a bus in Southampton.

No darling, no. No, I think, I see, I'm all... All...

Hello? He's all stoppy. I can't hear you. He's just a little stoppy...

He's only up there. Hello? Hello, old John. Lovely to hear you voice your... Hello?

Hello, John. Lovely to have you here. Hello?

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Thank you. noise.

I'll have to give her a ring.

Thank you.

I'm going to have to get out

of here now. Now, down to business.

We complete on Tuesday, 110,000 on paper.

Now he wants 20 in reddies under the table,

so bring the pudding to the office on Tuesday. 20 grand in tenors. What?

Shareholders, no, no trouble at all. Listen.

Get hold of a couple of poverty-stricken lords,

stick them on the board of directors,

give a benefit for cancer research or something,

and give that drunken reporter a ten for publishing it. Yeah. All right. Yeah.

Yeah, all right. See you Tuesday. Bye-bye. Bye-Bye.

Cornice, we'll get down to that spot. Now, look at her. That's it. That' it. Go on.

Oh,

oh, oh.

for the Chief Constable.

Ladies and gentlemen, although

this is hardly the occasion for making speeches,

I'm sure that you will all bear with me if I say a few words.

This evening is a happy occasion for all of us, as indeed it is every year.

But this year something has taken place which makes it especially memorable.

referred, of course, to something about which some of you present may already know.

The great honor which Her Majesty has graciously seen fit to bestow upon our host.

through him upon our country. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Mr. Mayor, on behalf of all of us here present,

offer you our sincere congratulations. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. President.

That is one other fact I must mention before we

get down to the serious business of the evening.

The future, Sir Archibald,

Well, probably be very angry with me for mentioning

it, but there's not really very much he can

do about it.

I refer, of course, to Mr Cooper's enormously

generous donation of 5,000 pounds to the new

youth club.

and this county have never taken the view that the increase in crime can be dealt

with purely by repressive measures. Not that we believe in coddling the criminal

either. Every now and then a taste of his own medicine will be no bad thing.

Yeah!

But in this enlightened day and age, so called,

the forces of law and order are fighting with one hand tied behind their back. Yeah.

my own particular hobby horse and perhaps this

is neither the time nor the place to ride it.

Mr. Cooper, it is my pleasant duty to extend to

you not only the thanks of the county and all

those who live in it, but the thanks also of all

of us who have the best interests at heart

of the youth of this nation. Here, here.

With more men like you, our future might indeed be

brighter. Our horizon's wider.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr Archibald Cooper. My lord, ladies and gentlemen.

The toast is Mr Archbald Cooper! Mr Archimald Cooper?

He's a jolly good man, love for he's a Jolly good fellow. Ah, thank you.

Uh, Mr. Chief Constable?

My lords, ladies and gentlemen.

You know it.

You're a jockey. No, but not in signage at Mishpov. Dance with an injured spade.

That's different, Simon.

We just bought a bay in Gelding. I'd love you to see it.

Let's try flying the fish out. Oh, that's so exciting.

As a wassailor, you must keep the kids off the streets.

Mr Cooper, please call me John. Oh, right. You'll call me Archie, won't you?

As a war-styler, the kids are off the street.

That's why I'd like Prince Philip to be separate for the national playing field.

There is a man I'd not like to talk to.

arranged. Our polo team will be playing here in three weeks time. Maybe I should...

John, I'm just... I doubt you think you're a bad guy on that world crew.

John, John, don't you be silly now, will you?

Now ring you about it next week. I won't take no for an answer, will I?

How about the Prince John? I've got a very nice person to shoot at.

I'm sure he'd like a couple of days shooting after his poem.

Splendid idea. I'll ring his secretary next week!

I go running every morning, have a round of golf and an hour in the gym.

Oh wonderful, I've always wanted to meet a boxer. Fill that for muscle.

It's like I am. I've never been to a boxing gym.

Would you take me? It would be such fun. Be my pleasure. Have you won any cups?

Of course. I was amateur champion at 17. That was before I turned pro, of course.

I was amateur weightlifting champion.

I do a 64 pound lift every morning before I go riding. Riding too?

You seem to do everything. Yes, well as a matter of fact...

George, why don't you leave off? You're jumping about like a two-year-old.

What deal was that? A local poacher doing one. What's the type?

Ted Basman.

happened. All those darlings in there and we're standing there like two right and

mugs. We come after gold and finish up with a cold. But the longer they are the less

we get if we get any. I suppose you're right George. Now taking a bit of a liberty.

I hope that Ronnie ain't come at all that's all. They're in there we're out here.

I reckon we've stood it. I suppose Terry's

finished up with the debauchery.

Putting some down, talking about his yacht in the south of France.

I bet he ain't told that the HP firm's just snatched his car back.

Oh John, there you are. I got you.

to be a dog he's promised to look at our girl

isn't it exciting how do you do face the

rate you're well done and mr. Cooper have you been shopping yes my dear as a

matter of fact I've just bought a thousand miniatures good gracious you'll be

buying the safe gallery that's good come along my dear let me show them to you

We're all...

collection in the country.

Oh, 69. Er, Remy Marta, Charles Trues.

Yeah. Try this, Kirst. I'll put you back up. Ah, Julie. Ah, Kitarik.

Sorry, my niece took one too many days ago. Your niece?

Excuse us a minute. That's all right. Just go and run and run, man. Come on.

Many a choice.

I'm standing for too much of this.

You reckon that Butler shot us? No, he's on the run.

George, here. Have a swig of this. You're getting in a right, Harry, tape.

I've only just tumbled that, Terry. They've got me on the roof.

They've gotten me out of here. They're in there having champagne and caviar

and weary in pork pies. Here, I'll

tell you, Jeff, another one.

Wonder what she's like.

Oh, that bird Terry's got. I bet she's got legs like a Shetland pony.

That's what he likes. Smothered in Dior armor. Ah! How fancy those classy birds.

I've never had one.

I think I'm better looking than him.

God knows what he does to him.

I suppose it's just thing and all those books he's been reading.

What did you say your name was? Dan. Dan.

I must say you have the most beautiful eyes. Thank you. May my day.

I'd like to get together with you sometime. Would you take me slum?

Thank you somewhere, that's for sure. Oh, lovely, I can't wait. Take my number.

The grade is double three to nine. Double three to... Excuse me, Miss.

Now I have a word to repeat, sir. A friend of yours is just gone out on the terrace.

You are too busy, but if you're not too busy telling the ladies how good you are,

there are things that will be attended to, sir...

What do you think? I've called the sea trout. Shut up and get in. Thank you.

Bye.

You've been out too, eh? Kitty,

where are you?

Kitty, Kitty, what are you doing here? Wow, wow.

You've out all my attention, eh. What have you been doing here, eh,

you've been with them little girly-kitty-guards, eh! Come on, Kitty.

share.

Mm.

On that bird out.

Bye.

I got this for you.

How can we run a country like ours when you've got oars going

with menaces and gangsters posing for photographs for the press?

As I said to the wife, then all them queers working for foreign powers.

And then the capitol, they've got civil servants having it off with spies.

Give him this copy of Fanny a little, he'll be mapping.

Talk about the donkey bear. Bert, we are in a right state.

You're right, Ari. What we need is a bloody revolution.

Have an apple on this crumble. You're a dead bride, Ari!

Bye.

I'll get you a tie.

Yeah, I got it on ya.

Thank you.

Bye.

Cheers, guys.

Bye bye.

Fine, then.

Tell me and find out what your girl wanted for a wedding present.

I'm not this strong boy.

Oh, well, if you've got a list in our table...

Take it out.

on.

Bye.

Thank

you. Bye.

Thank you. Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Beep

Bye.

Bye.

Thank you. Thank you, everyone.

Bye.

I think you'll be in self-hunting in about 30 minutes.

The train should get you to London by 2 o'clock. Charlie, a ring of pub at 3.

Good luck. Keeps the shovel down.

you

Thank

you. Thank you.

Bye.

Thank you.

You

Bye.

That, my darlings, is how I made my first video. That's very easy, doesn't it?

Are you clever? Clever? I don't know about that.

I couldn't read all right until I was 19. Yeah, but think what you might have been,

he could have been a better player. Do you know what? I'd have been

a dustful lamb of barracud. No, it's true. They'd tear me down,

because I couldn' fill up the form. Ha ha ha ha! I'm glad they did tear me, down.

Ha ha!

Bye.

Bye.

Don't you go and join a dancing, eh? Go on. Ah, uh, no, you don't.

Who would like a word with you? Chief Constable, sir. What does he want?

What the hell would I know? That's enough from you. Penguin. Where is he then?

By the door, sir, by the door.

You want to have a word? There's been a raid at the airport. Girls, ours.

They've got away with two million pounds. Gold bars? Gold.

Thank you for putting out the suspended show, but you understand I must go now.

Yes, of course. Good night, Mr. Cooper. Cheers, doctor.

wonderful party you were in great for Terry boys I've got to go up to London in

the morning do some business now keep out of Emma's wife up and drop you all I'll

be glad they're delighted I'll be leaving early good night then good night oh

I'm going to help. Here we go.

It's on me here. That's the bathroom.

Morning, sir. Morning.

I'm sorry to stop you like this, but it's

just a matter of routine after last night's

trouble. That's perfectly understandable.

Oh, well, before you go, sir, there was something I wanted to ask you.

Oh, why is it, officer? I found a tin of lob worms down by the airfield pool.

You know, I reckon somebody's boat's in the old water.

Of course, that old water bait, if you know, he's half a dove.

So I was reckoning as I've got Saturday afternoon off,

but with your permission, sir, I could perhaps do a little bit of fishing

and keep an eye on things for you.

Well, uh, why don't you have a word with Charles, my buck, right?

He'll tell you what beat to go of. Oh, thank you very much indeed, sir.

The wait was saying only last night, sir as the tide had been fixed him.

Oh, Thank you, officer. All right, Arnie Boy.

I'm going to get Charlie!

I just thought I wanted to see you.

I was coming up and looking at you this afternoon.

I'm taking you then to the next village and I'll show you for the governor.

I've got to be late. Oh, well, you've got all the time in the world for that.

Your governor will tend to be you telling the best place to do some fishing.

Oh, and the bishop's on the best feet. I tell you, well I'll change him then.

You've got our numbers free by the old mill. All right, thank you, Charlie.

I'll see you on Saturday afternoon then. Yeah, all right. Good fishing.

Get out of there.

Thank you.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha!

You should have seen the right more space when I gave him a weak chum. Ha ha.

Chummy? What? Chummy, you look ill.

Don't tap me on the shoulder like that, I've got a weak ticker. Sorry, Chummy.

I'll tell you what I want to see you. Come round here, Gav. It's a little bit quiet.

Around here. Look, we're having a benefit for the widow of the PC.

It was shot in Soho. She's got three kids. Say no more, Gav.

Anyone who shoots a copper should be bald in oil.

I sent a case of whiskey and a case a gin up the station.

Well, that's very generous of you. The benefit's on Friday week. It's a pound each.

I'd appreciate it if you could ship the few. Give me 50.

I'll sell them or give them away. Bless you. Oh, gov.

I didn't ask you or your pal if you wanted a drink. Calm down, Charming.

We've got a few more pubs to go. I hope to see you Friday week.

I did it, no. I don't want you to encourage them crook-excroppers. I can't help you.

They're either here for information or on the tap.

Anyway, that bloke-natch ain't a bad fella. Not a bad fellow, you're so...

Ah, there's one or two good ones in my home. You've got a chip on your shoulder.

Chip? Well, I know they put dust in me, turns it cost me too grand to get out of it.

I think we're all a little bit upset. Look, close the pub.

Let's have a quick game of cards.

I'll be glad to see the back of this pub. Why don't you come with us tomorrow then?

Look, I told you, I'm not leaving here for three months.

Just because my wax is three-underground, it don't mean I can't serve half a bidder.

Look, but you haven't got a clue. When all this dies down, I'll go into property

and become respectable like Archibald Cooper. Spectable, don't I?

I suppose climbing across the roof isn't a bit old-fashioned. But I'll come.

I bet. Oh, God, I did. And he owe I purchased business.

Hey, you know I won't be seeing you off tomorrow, don't you?

I've got a license, bit less do. Anyway, I don't lock airports.

We're not going by plane. We're going on a John Gloombus tour.

We'll leave the tour as soon as we get across the channel. What about Charlie?

We've got him another passport. We used to go to the... LAUGHTER

I've a proven sense of it. Yeah, here's your way.

Oh, lovely.

Bye.

Well, he is to 10.30 at the palace tomorrow. I'll drink to

that. Cheers.

Yeah.

he can get used to calling me, Sir Archie. Go on, try it.

You can come up now, Sir Archer. Ha ha ha ha!

Well.

I'm sorry, I can't take

you with me tomorrow, you know, but...

The family gives me a divorce. I'd like you to become Lady Cuba.

We never know. We might become a lord later.

Anybody dying?

There's a little present for you.

Oh Archie, it's beautiful.

Old for little me. Costs six grand.

Give me a kiss.

You want to become Lady Cooper? Call Sachi, darling.

secret. I've always

did 500 files on an insurance company,

and a public company, and let them organize tape over.

One more little deal before the Labour government messes up the property business.

We're going on world cruise, baby. Would you say? Yes, please. Then.

Here's to the good life. The good life!

What's that? Oh!

If we do these birds terry, read us the personal column of the times.

I could read, I will now ask you.

Don't worry about these, I can't speak a word of English.

Anyhow, we haven't got no copy of the time. Bye.

I'll be a friend until I run around the large gin business, will you?

I'll end the time, use paper. Sir, sir. So, all that on, gentlemen.

Don't be so late. Well, I know we all go to the casino tonight.

Have a nice orgy after. Now, you're a girl. I'm going to meet with a real gentleman.

He's going to introduce me to a type of lady who wants to sell her.

It's for old ladies and yachts. Oh, so we're not good enough for you.

Funny that you've got change of a pair. Now, snobbish the lights you've been get.

What do you want, up here, society? Hey, hey, hey. Not in front of the waiter.

Oh. Your time, sir. Thank you.

I know. You, me.

There's nothing in a personal column. Everything must be okay with George.

It doesn't make you laugh.

There's a picture of Sir Archibald Cooper on the Royal Lawn of Ascot.

Bring it to us. Watch it sight.

Sir Archie Ball Cooper, prospective conservative candidate for Southampton,

being congratulated on his first rid of the season by the Queen Mother.

His two-year-old justice was written by... Hey, look who else is there.

It's the picture of Basil there with a big hat on.

You know, she must have moved it in a manner as I checked over, am I right?

Would you? Right, see, she's only a brass. I mean, when men get to the top,

they all receive a chair right. Steal.

I don't suppose they let Emma go back to scrubbing floors. Emma ain't lost nothing.

He gives thousands away to charity, but he only gave her a tenor a week.

You ought to be. Don't stop with him now. You know he's got so much money,

he'll end up in the arse of law. Who said crime didn't pay? Yes, to the good life.

This is a good place to be, is it?

Well, I've just seen some right places down there,

done at least under a year between them on the moor. Who else do you think I saw?

Blueface Tommy the Informer. I think I'm off to Tangier's.

Relax. Sit down. Have a fizz.

Well, Chats, you know, after about three months down here,

now we've got some capital behind us,

I think we'll become respectable property men.

No more climbing over roots.

White collar crime, that's the business, Chaps.

Men of property. Here, you never know.

If we could get someone straightened in the ministry,

we might all end up,

sir Archie. Oh, so we got little Bert of Landiff.

Why not little Tim of Oxford? Ha, ha, ha. Here, there was a face in the nick with me

by the name of little Tor... at his brother, the new junior minister.

You never know. You'd better get him straight. What about the prime minister?

We might straighten them. Ah! Ha! Well, I don't know about you, Japs,

but I'm off to South America.

It's a good life.

Yeah!

you

you

.

.

Bye.

Thank you.

.

The End

Thank

you.

Ooooooooooooooo