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Let's kick things off with the midterm

Let's kick things off with the midterm

Let's kick things off with the midterm elections. With voting just one month

elections. With voting just one month

elections. With voting just one month away, Republicans are down in the polls.

away, Republicans are down in the polls.

away, Republicans are down in the polls. But President Trump is ready to campaign

But President Trump is ready to campaign

But President Trump is ready to campaign and stump for anyone who wants him.

and stump for anyone who wants him.

and stump for anyone who wants him. >> They actually don't want the president

>> They actually don't want the president

>> They actually don't want the president campaigning or stumping for them because

campaigning or stumping for them because

campaigning or stumping for them because he's too toxic.

he's too toxic.

he's too toxic. >> Republican candidates are running away

>> Republican candidates are running away

>> Republican candidates are running away from him like he's quote kryptonite.

from him like he's quote kryptonite.

from him like he's quote kryptonite. >> You're blanked if you mention him too

>> You're blanked if you mention him too

>> You're blanked if you mention him too much and you're blanked if you don't

much and you're blanked if you don't

much and you're blanked if you don't stay in his good graces.

stay in his good graces.

stay in his good graces. >> Quote, we've told them he cannot come.

You told the president he can't come.

You told the president he can't come.

You told the president he can't come. What did he say?

What did he say?

What did he say? >> I'm going to come.

>> But yes, Trump is about as popular as

>> But yes, Trump is about as popular as

>> But yes, Trump is about as popular as someone without a co mask at a

someone without a co mask at a

someone without a co mask at a Massachusetts lesbian bar. Which means

which means Republicans need to find a

which means Republicans need to find a

which means Republicans need to find a big issue that will resonate with

big issue that will resonate with

big issue that will resonate with voters. Who's got something? No bad

voters. Who's got something? No bad

voters. Who's got something? No bad ideas.

ideas.

ideas. >> Many airline pilots, flight attendants,

>> Many airline pilots, flight attendants,

>> Many airline pilots, flight attendants, and air traffic controllers are part of

and air traffic controllers are part of

and air traffic controllers are part of the furry community.

>> Almost no bad ideas. All right. Fine.

>> Almost no bad ideas. All right. Fine.

>> Almost no bad ideas. All right. Fine. Senator Tubberville, tell us more about

Senator Tubberville, tell us more about

Senator Tubberville, tell us more about this massive problem of furries on

this massive problem of furries on

this massive problem of furries on airplanes.

airplanes.

airplanes. >> It's terrifying when you think about

>> It's terrifying when you think about

>> It's terrifying when you think about this. When you walk onto a commercial

this. When you walk onto a commercial

this. When you walk onto a commercial flight, it's possible that the pilot

flight, it's possible that the pilot

flight, it's possible that the pilot flying your plane could have a deranged

flying your plane could have a deranged

flying your plane could have a deranged fetus of dressing up like an animal. You

fetus of dressing up like an animal. You

fetus of dressing up like an animal. You can't make this up.

can't make this up.

can't make this up. >> I think you did just make this up.

>> I think you did just make this up.

>> I think you did just make this up. >> Now, first of all, if you don't know

>> Now, first of all, if you don't know

>> Now, first of all, if you don't know what furries are, mom and dad, we're

what furries are, mom and dad, we're

what furries are, mom and dad, we're talking about members of a sexual

talking about members of a sexual

talking about members of a sexual subculture who dress up as cartoon

subculture who dress up as cartoon

subculture who dress up as cartoon animals. It's like if everyone in that

animals. It's like if everyone in that

animals. It's like if everyone in that Chuck-E-Cheese band each other.

Chuck-E-Cheese band each other.

Chuck-E-Cheese band each other. Think of it like regular sex, but with

Think of it like regular sex, but with

Think of it like regular sex, but with way more dry cleaning afterwards.

way more dry cleaning afterwards.

way more dry cleaning afterwards. But even if every pilot was a furry, to

But even if every pilot was a furry, to

But even if every pilot was a furry, to use a technical aviation term, who gives

use a technical aviation term, who gives

use a technical aviation term, who gives a flying?

a flying?

a flying? When my plane hits turbulence, I'm not

When my plane hits turbulence, I'm not

When my plane hits turbulence, I'm not like, "Oh my god, I hope the pilot's

like, "Oh my god, I hope the pilot's

like, "Oh my god, I hope the pilot's never been pegged by the fox from

never been pegged by the fox from

never been pegged by the fox from Zootopia."

So, I wouldn't exactly bet on that

So, I wouldn't exactly bet on that

So, I wouldn't exactly bet on that catching on. But that's okay because

catching on. But that's okay because

catching on. But that's okay because this week, Trump has a new opportunity

this week, Trump has a new opportunity

this week, Trump has a new opportunity to score a major foreign policy win. The

to score a major foreign policy win. The

to score a major foreign policy win. The leaders of the world's two biggest

leaders of the world's two biggest

leaders of the world's two biggest superpowers meeting right now.

superpowers meeting right now.

superpowers meeting right now. >> President Trump greeting China's leader

>> President Trump greeting China's leader

>> President Trump greeting China's leader Xihinping at Joint Base Andrews. The

Xihinping at Joint Base Andrews. The

Xihinping at Joint Base Andrews. The airport welcomed the first for a world

airport welcomed the first for a world

airport welcomed the first for a world leader besides the Pope since the 1960s.

leader besides the Pope since the 1960s.

leader besides the Pope since the 1960s. >> Trump picked him up at the airport.

>> Trump picked him up at the airport.

>> Trump picked him up at the airport. Okay, that is friendship. I don't even

Okay, that is friendship. I don't even

Okay, that is friendship. I don't even pick my own kid up at the airport. But

pick my own kid up at the airport. But

pick my own kid up at the airport. But the other reason to meet Xi at the

the other reason to meet Xi at the

the other reason to meet Xi at the airport was so that Trump could impress

airport was so that Trump could impress

airport was so that Trump could impress him with a flyover of B1 bombers. Let's

him with a flyover of B1 bombers. Let's

him with a flyover of B1 bombers. Let's show China that America never waivers

show China that America never waivers

show China that America never waivers and never flinches.

>> Oh my god, that is so embarrassing. Why

>> Oh my god, that is so embarrassing. Why

>> Oh my god, that is so embarrassing. Why did you wse like that? You are the one

did you wse like that? You are the one

did you wse like that? You are the one WHO ORDERED THE FLY OVER. It's like when

WHO ORDERED THE FLY OVER. It's like when

WHO ORDERED THE FLY OVER. It's like when a baby farts so loud that it scares

a baby farts so loud that it scares

a baby farts so loud that it scares itself.

itself.

itself. Anyway, this is not a good omen for

Anyway, this is not a good omen for

Anyway, this is not a good omen for negotiations with China. There are major

negotiations with China. There are major

negotiations with China. There are major issues at stake here. Trade, AI, the war

issues at stake here. Trade, AI, the war

issues at stake here. Trade, AI, the war with Iran. Now, President Xien knows all

with Iran. Now, President Xien knows all

with Iran. Now, President Xien knows all he has to do to rattle Trump is drop a

he has to do to rattle Trump is drop a

he has to do to rattle Trump is drop a book on the floor. And obviously, this

book on the floor. And obviously, this

book on the floor. And obviously, this is a very important meeting. So, Trump

is a very important meeting. So, Trump

is a very important meeting. So, Trump was focused as usual.

was focused as usual.

was focused as usual. >> Well, that was a great little meeting.

>> Well, that was a great little meeting.

>> Well, that was a great little meeting. It was a great greeting and I think they

It was a great greeting and I think they

It was a great greeting and I think they appreciated tremendous people. Uh, also

appreciated tremendous people. Uh, also

appreciated tremendous people. Uh, also it's very nice to land on what they

it's very nice to land on what they

it's very nice to land on what they consider to be the most beautiful

consider to be the most beautiful

consider to be the most beautiful helipad ever, ever built by far.

helipad ever, ever built by far.

helipad ever, ever built by far. Yeah, take that. Hospital roofs where

Yeah, take that. Hospital roofs where

Yeah, take that. Hospital roofs where people get heart transplants, you dusty

people get heart transplants, you dusty

Seriously, what is Trump talking about?

Seriously, what is Trump talking about?

Seriously, what is Trump talking about? The most beautiful helellipad ever. I

The most beautiful helellipad ever. I

The most beautiful helellipad ever. I mean, what does that even mean? How nice

mean, what does that even mean? How nice

mean, what does that even mean? How nice could a helellipad be? With the help of

could a helellipad be? With the help of

could a helellipad be? With the help of a new White House helipad, President

a new White House helipad, President

a new White House helipad, President Trump is pulling out all the stops.

Trump is pulling out all the stops.

Trump is pulling out all the stops. >> Oh my god, it's the most beautiful thing

>> Oh my god, it's the most beautiful thing

>> Oh my god, it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

I've ever seen.

I've ever seen. It's like looking into heaven.

It's like looking into heaven.

It's like looking into heaven. I wouldn't kick her off my south lawn.

I wouldn't kick her off my south lawn.

I wouldn't kick her off my south lawn. And who knows, maybe it impressed

And who knows, maybe it impressed

And who knows, maybe it impressed President Xi, too, because he made a big

President Xi, too, because he made a big

President Xi, too, because he made a big announcement at the first press

announcement at the first press

announcement at the first press conference.

conference.

conference. >> I have a piece of good news. In a few

>> I have a piece of good news. In a few

>> I have a piece of good news. In a few days, two pandas, Pingping and Fushuang,

days, two pandas, Pingping and Fushuang,

days, two pandas, Pingping and Fushuang, will come to their new home in Zoo

will come to their new home in Zoo

will come to their new home in Zoo Atlanta, and meet with the American

Atlanta, and meet with the American

Atlanta, and meet with the American people.

people.

people. >> YES. HELL YEAH. WE got pandas. YEAH.

>> SURE. China's pushing us out of the

>> SURE. China's pushing us out of the

>> SURE. China's pushing us out of the Pacific, seizing the global economy,

Pacific, seizing the global economy,

Pacific, seizing the global economy, reducing us to a second rate power, but

reducing us to a second rate power, but

reducing us to a second rate power, but pandas. WOO!

pandas. WOO!

pandas. WOO! Although there was one small hitch on

Although there was one small hitch on

Although there was one small hitch on the flight over when the pilot asked the

the flight over when the pilot asked the

the flight over when the pilot asked the pandas to please report to the cockpit.

Dirty birdies. Dirty birdies. But it

Dirty birdies. Dirty birdies. But it

Dirty birdies. Dirty birdies. But it seems like this meeting was off to a

seems like this meeting was off to a

seems like this meeting was off to a good start, which is going to disappoint

good start, which is going to disappoint

good start, which is going to disappoint one of Trump's biggest allies, John

one of Trump's biggest allies, John

one of Trump's biggest allies, John Kennedy, Louisiana senator and grandma

Kennedy, Louisiana senator and grandma

Kennedy, Louisiana senator and grandma who just wants one little kiss.

who just wants one little kiss.

who just wants one little kiss. He views China as the head of a new axis

He views China as the head of a new axis

He views China as the head of a new axis of evil, although he had a different way

of evil, although he had a different way

of evil, although he had a different way of saying it.

of saying it.

of saying it. >> I think that the people running Iran

>> I think that the people running Iran

>> I think that the people running Iran are reptiles.

are reptiles.

are reptiles. Um, and they're part of a colony of

Um, and they're part of a colony of

Um, and they're part of a colony of reptiles.

reptiles.

reptiles. China,

China,

China, North Korea, Russia, and as I said,

North Korea, Russia, and as I said,

North Korea, Russia, and as I said, Iran.

Iran.

Iran. The chief reptile, the quarterback

The chief reptile, the quarterback

The chief reptile, the quarterback is President Xi in China.

>> Got it. They're all reptiles, but also

>> Got it. They're all reptiles, but also

>> Got it. They're all reptiles, but also they play football.

they play football.

they play football. Kind of a weird metaphor, but I think I

Kind of a weird metaphor, but I think I

Kind of a weird metaphor, but I think I got it.

got it.

got it. >> All four of them are the same.

>> All four of them are the same.

>> All four of them are the same. It's like the same hooker in different

It's like the same hooker in different

It's like the same hooker in different dresses.

>> I don't think I got it.

>> I don't think I got it.

>> I don't think I got it. They're reptiles who play professional

They're reptiles who play professional

They're reptiles who play professional football, but they're also hookers.

football, but they're also hookers.

football, but they're also hookers. >> Okay, stop mixing metaphors. It's too

>> Okay, stop mixing metaphors. It's too

>> Okay, stop mixing metaphors. It's too much.

much.

much. >> They all lie like time share salesmen.

>> Wait, now the reptile football hookers

>> Wait, now the reptile football hookers

>> Wait, now the reptile football hookers are also time SHARE SALESMEN.

are also time SHARE SALESMEN.

are also time SHARE SALESMEN. This makes even less sense now. Why? Why

This makes even less sense now. Why? Why

This makes even less sense now. Why? Why do they have three jobs? Most lizards

do they have three jobs? Most lizards

do they have three jobs? Most lizards only have like one job. What is

only have like one job. What is

only have like one job. What is happening? Did you take donations from

happening? Did you take donations from

happening? Did you take donations from the metaphor lobby? Just say what you

the metaphor lobby? Just say what you

the metaphor lobby? Just say what you mean.

mean.

mean. >> I wouldn't turn my back on any of them

>> I wouldn't turn my back on any of them

>> I wouldn't turn my back on any of them even if they I thought and knew they

even if they I thought and knew they

even if they I thought and knew they were two days dead.

were two days dead.

were two days dead. >> Oh. OH, THAT'S JUST GREAT. NOW ALL the

>> Oh. OH, THAT'S JUST GREAT. NOW ALL the

>> Oh. OH, THAT'S JUST GREAT. NOW ALL the football hooker lizards are dead. I

football hooker lizards are dead. I

football hooker lizards are dead. I mean, LOOK AT HOW SAD THEIR PIMP IS. HE

mean, LOOK AT HOW SAD THEIR PIMP IS. HE

mean, LOOK AT HOW SAD THEIR PIMP IS. HE WASN'T like the others. He took care of

WASN'T like the others. He took care of

WASN'T like the others. He took care of them. They were like family. Actually,

them. They were like family. Actually,

them. They were like family. Actually, side note, sometimes they do go into a

side note, sometimes they do go into a

side note, sometimes they do go into a death-like state called torper, where

death-like state called torper, where

death-like state called torper, where they lower their metabolic rates to save

they lower their metabolic rates to save

they lower their metabolic rates to save energy.

energy.

energy. I'm talking about hookers, obviously.

I'm talking about hookers, obviously.

I'm talking about hookers, obviously. For more on this historic moment, we go

For more on this historic moment, we go

For more on this historic moment, we go live to the White House with Jordan

live to the White House with Jordan

live to the White House with Jordan Clipper.

Jordan, how is President Xi's visit

Jordan, how is President Xi's visit

Jordan, how is President Xi's visit going so far?

going so far?

going so far? >> Well, the leader of China was greeted by

>> Well, the leader of China was greeted by

>> Well, the leader of China was greeted by an old man scared of loud noises, then

an old man scared of loud noises, then

an old man scared of loud noises, then driven past a drain reflecting pool into

driven past a drain reflecting pool into

driven past a drain reflecting pool into the half-demolished ruins of the White

the half-demolished ruins of the White

the half-demolished ruins of the White House. It's an utter humiliation for

House. It's an utter humiliation for

House. It's an utter humiliation for America. So, it's going exactly as

America. So, it's going exactly as

America. So, it's going exactly as planned. And once again, President Trump

planned. And once again, President Trump

planned. And once again, President Trump is a genius.

is a genius.

is a genius. Wait, so Trump is smart for making us

Wait, so Trump is smart for making us

Wait, so Trump is smart for making us seem shitty?

seem shitty?

seem shitty? >> Oh, that's right. Or as Senator Kennedy

>> Oh, that's right. Or as Senator Kennedy

>> Oh, that's right. Or as Senator Kennedy would say, he's smarter than an alley

would say, he's smarter than an alley

would say, he's smarter than an alley cat outside a fish factory who's also a

cat outside a fish factory who's also a

cat outside a fish factory who's also a hooker.

>> I'm sorry. I'm lost.

>> I'm sorry. I'm lost.

>> I'm sorry. I'm lost. >> Uh, does a rooster crow when a Starbucks

>> Uh, does a rooster crow when a Starbucks

>> Uh, does a rooster crow when a Starbucks opens?

opens?

opens? >> No,

>> No,

>> No, >> it does if it's a hooker. Point is,

>> it does if it's a hooker. Point is,

>> it does if it's a hooker. Point is, this is all part of President Trump's

this is all part of President Trump's

this is all part of President Trump's long game. He's lulling China into a

long game. He's lulling China into a

long game. He's lulling China into a sense of overconfidence. She is going to

sense of overconfidence. She is going to

sense of overconfidence. She is going to head back home SAYING, "GUYS, AMERICA'S

head back home SAYING, "GUYS, AMERICA'S

head back home SAYING, "GUYS, AMERICA'S COOKED. SHUT DOWN THE KILLER AI." SEE,

COOKED. SHUT DOWN THE KILLER AI." SEE,

COOKED. SHUT DOWN THE KILLER AI." SEE, Trump's fooling him better than six

Trump's fooling him better than six

Trump's fooling him better than six frogs in a trench coat playing hooker

frogs in a trench coat playing hooker

frogs in a trench coat playing hooker games on a hooker corner with hookers.

games on a hooker corner with hookers.

games on a hooker corner with hookers. >> Okay. I I think you're overestimating

>> Okay. I I think you're overestimating

>> Okay. I I think you're overestimating Trump's intelligence here. If if he was

Trump's intelligence here. If if he was

Trump's intelligence here. If if he was smart, we wouldn't be losing a war with

smart, we wouldn't be losing a war with

smart, we wouldn't be losing a war with Iran right now.

Iran right now.

Iran right now. >> Does he? Does he? Does he? You still

>> Does he? Does he? Does he? You still

>> Does he? Does he? Does he? You still don't get it. It's the long game. We're

don't get it. It's the long game. We're

don't get it. It's the long game. We're losing the war on purpose so that China

losing the war on purpose so that China

losing the war on purpose so that China thinks we don't have any missiles left.

thinks we don't have any missiles left.

thinks we don't have any missiles left. >> But we don't have any missiles left.

>> But we don't have any missiles left.

>> But we don't have any missiles left. >> Exactly. He's that good. He's He's

>> Exactly. He's that good. He's He's

>> Exactly. He's that good. He's He's smoother than a clean shaven jellyfish

smoother than a clean shaven jellyfish

smoother than a clean shaven jellyfish lubed up with petroleum. Eager to engage

lubed up with petroleum. Eager to engage

lubed up with petroleum. Eager to engage in coinus for coinage, aka

in coinus for coinage, aka

in coinus for coinage, aka a hooker.

a hooker.

a hooker. >> Why are all these animals hookers?

>> Why are all these animals hookers?

>> Why are all these animals hookers? >> EXACTLY. THE POINT IS ALL THIS chaos and

>> EXACTLY. THE POINT IS ALL THIS chaos and

>> EXACTLY. THE POINT IS ALL THIS chaos and suffering Trump is imposing on the world

suffering Trump is imposing on the world

suffering Trump is imposing on the world is just part of his grand plan to get

is just part of his grand plan to get

is just part of his grand plan to get she to let his guard down before Trump

she to let his guard down before Trump

she to let his guard down before Trump makes his big move.

makes his big move.

makes his big move. >> And what is that big move? This this all

>> And what is that big move? This this all

>> And what is that big move? This this all feels like a series of stupid short

feels like a series of stupid short

feels like a series of stupid short games with no end in sight.

games with no end in sight.

games with no end in sight. >> You want to know what the big move is?

>> You want to know what the big move is?

>> You want to know what the big move is? >> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah. >> I'll tell you the big move. When they

>> I'll tell you the big move. When they

>> I'll tell you the big move. When they least expect it, we asked China for two

least expect it, we asked China for two

least expect it, we asked China for two more pandas.

more pandas.

more pandas. Boom. Genius. GENIUS. THINK ABOUT IT.

Boom. Genius. GENIUS. THINK ABOUT IT.

Boom. Genius. GENIUS. THINK ABOUT IT. THINK ABOUT IT. NOW WE GOT FOUR PANDAS.

THINK ABOUT IT. NOW WE GOT FOUR PANDAS.

THINK ABOUT IT. NOW WE GOT FOUR PANDAS. And once they mate, WE GOT INFINITE

And once they mate, WE GOT INFINITE

And once they mate, WE GOT INFINITE PANDAS.

PANDAS.

PANDAS. >> JORDAN, it's famously difficult to get

>> JORDAN, it's famously difficult to get

>> JORDAN, it's famously difficult to get pandas to mate.

pandas to mate.

pandas to mate. >> Oh, not these pandas. They're hookers.

>> Oh, not these pandas. They're hookers.

>> Oh, not these pandas. They're hookers. >> JORDAN CLEVER.