Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

# I'm not sick but I'm not well

# And I'm so hot

♪ Cos I'm in hell. ♪

MARK: There she is, hovering ominously - Dobby's yellow head.

I'm not about to masturbate looking at the head.

That's what they want me to do.

Hm, same noodle bar she went to yesterday, and Tuesday.

What's going on at the noodle bar?

Three-star reviews. It's possible she just likes the food.

But hard to completely believe.

Mark, can I put the heating on? I'm freezing.

No. Wear a jumper, walk about.

You want me to stride about the flat

covered in wool simply to stay alive?

New York? Uh-huh.

Seems Dobby never deleted me off her Find My Friends app.

This is your perfect way of going out with someone, isn't it?

Safe in your sexual GCHQ.

I'm trying to build up a picture of her mental state.

For example, there's this organic bakery she's been to this afternoon

and twice more this week.

I checked their Twitter and their carrot cake just ran out.

The other day, she was in and the same thing happened.

It could be a coincidence.

I'm not saying she's eating a whole

carrot cake every time she goes in there,

but you've got to admit, it's interesting.

Fascinating(!) Here's a radical idea.

Why don't you stop being a psycho and give her a ring?

She stopped answering my calls

after I went a bit overboard that time.

The million-text month?

Mm. So unfair.

The 327-text month.

Put it back, Jeremy.

That thing eats electricity.

It's only seven hours till the central heating comes back on.

'It's going in the vault. The new regime.

'Heater in the cupboard, tracker tag on the nice towel,

'mousetrap in the Frosties.'

It's great you do home visits.

I find it makes for a more conducive life-coaching environment

than you at my place, my socks

on the radiator and me sitting on a bongo.

I've done some more art boxes. 'Megan's so lovely.

'I'm definitely falling in love with her.

'But what the hell's she talking about?

'Focus. I need to give her

'a really useful, usable bit of actual handcrafted wisdom that...

'Ooh, is that Watchmen? I never saw Watchmen.'

DOOR OPENS

Sorry I'm back so early. I'll, um... I'll hide out in the bedroom.

No, it's OK. Jeremy, this is Joe, my boyfriend.

Oh, hey, Joe.

'He's eyeing me. There's an atmosphere.

'Does he want to hit me?'

Jeremy was just saying I should quit my job

and concentrate, like, 100% on my boxes.

'Fuck, did I?' JOE: Really?

Wow, that's a... That's a big one.

Sure. Big call. Quite the wise old guru.

Hey, less of the "old", young man.

I'm still young enough to give you a...bloody good...duffing up.

'We're not going to fight, but I

'reckon I could duff him up, if I needed to.

'Take him out, take him apart, sort him out big-time.

'I could...take him, definitely.

'If I needed to.'

Thanks for seeing me, Mark, mate. No problem.

'Mate? He wants my liver for a transplant? Well, he can't have it.

'And I'm saving my kidneys for little Ian.'

Look, um...

I don't think I've ever said this before, but I've got a huge...

Huge amount of respect for you, yeah?

When Ukip come to round us all up, you'll be there,

won't you, at the barricades, saying, "No"?

Oh, that's... That's very nice of you to say, Hans.

Yeah. So, er... Well, it's like this.

Er, I want you to be best man at my wedding.

Best man?

But what about Jez?

Molly hates him. I need a...norm.

And you, well, you're a real meat and potatoes, straight up and down,

beef Wellington, don't trust the Argies, dick in the vagina,

Cheddar cheese and chicken tikka masala man.

Thank you?

'There is nothing that could persuade me to strap myself to the huge,

'flaming Super Hans wedding zeppelin with a gang of drugged-up goons.

'Oh, hang on.'

Is...Dobby invited?

Er, yeah.

We've got a "no smackheads, no crackheads" rule, so, the, er...

The old long list is pretty short.

I mean, I-I'd love to come.

But maybe without being your best man.

Yeah, I bet you would, you cheeky fucker.

No, you're going to have to earn your rack of lamb, buddy.

'Oh, strap on the cummerbund.'

'Need to professionalise in here.

'Lose the lions, put up my certificate, get a filing cabinet.

'Except, have I got anything to f...?

'What is that?

'Wait, is that a fucking thermometer?

'He's finally bloody lost it.'

Hello. Hello.

What are you doing? Just taking a temperature reading.

I thought perhaps you'd bought your own fan heater.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

I need to get off for Fakenham, to be there the night before,

for everything.

'He's in his jacket, going to everything.' While I'm gone,

no turning the central heating to constant.

So, off you go, the best man.

I'm sorry, Jez.

The single best man there is.

You know they haven't even invited

me to the ceremony, just the reception.

I only said yes because of Dobby. To win her back.

I need to get back to the good times.

Hours on the sofa, DVDs and takeaway lamb pasanda.

I'm going to be the Mark Dobby always wanted,

who goes to those spoken-word poetry events

where most of the poems are by women

about the awesome power of the C-U-N-T.

You can't even say it.

There's enough unpleasantness in the world.

See you tomorrow.

'I have so many funny stories about Hans, where do I start?

'The time he tried to cut my legs off when he was tripping

'because he thought I was a demon? Or the time

'he just went straight for me with

'a chicken skewer for no apparent reason?

'Shit, Dobby's off-grid.

'She could be anywhere. So selfish.

'Quick Neighbourhood Watch over my own personal neighbourhood,

'then maybe a disappointing Skype chat with my son.

'There's nothing unethical about secretly filming my own flat.

'If he's got nothing to hide, he's got nothing to fear.

'A vest? That heat-thieving bastard.

'I should put a mousetrap in there. That'd be fun.'

PHONE RINGS

'It's time for the show trial.

'I'm going to make him confess his thermostat crimes.

'The heating Stasi are coming for you, Jeremy.'

Oh, hey, Mark. How's the advance party going?

Oh, good, Jeremy. You?

You're looking quite toasty over there.

Er, yeah, well, it was quite a warm day. 'Oh, really?

Not according to the Met Office, it's not.

Microclimate.

There is no microclimate around Apollo House.

Well, that would explain

why I'm feeling quite chilly now. You don't look chilly.

Brrrr. Bullshit.

It's an hour outside the agreed

heating window and the flat looks incredibly warm.

How could it look warm, you maniac?

DOORBELL RINGS

Who's that?

Oh, that'll be the Isis guys that I've invited round

to charge their mobiles on your coin. Don't joke.

Now, turn the heating off,

put a jumper on and text me a picture of you wearing it

in front of the thermostat with today's paper.

Hey. Oh, hi.

Er, wondered if you had time for a bit of life coaching,

um...off the clock.

Sure.

Hey, I know what the weird atmosphere is.

KNOCKING

Coming, Hans.

Oh, God, Dobby.

Hi. Wow!

Did you just arrive? Did-Did your phone die?

Er, yeah, it did. How did you know?

Great to see you.

I just wanted to say hi

and head off any potential weirdness

by being as weird as possible right now.

So, rrrraaaarrgh!

Good option. Blaaaargh!

'OK, she's still adorable. Time to go to DEFCON 1.

'Roll out the new Mark manifesto.'

Dobby, come in. There was actually something I wanted to say.

'No pressure, but go out with me or I'll hang myself.'

Hey. Er, my toothbrush isn't charging.

I think the voltages are wrong here.

Can I, er...? 'Who the fuck are you?

'And what have you got against 240 lovely British volts?'

Hi. Hi.

That's Gregory. Fuck this shit, it won't go in.

And what does Gregory do?

He's resting and writing a great blog about digital rights

and how Brooklyn is changing for the worse,

and comparing the different coffee shops he doesn't like

and how their coffee isn't real coffee.

And the carrot cakes?

Er, yeah, sometimes.

'I knew it.' OK. It's, er, charging.

I'm going to go back to the room. I think I've got a headache.

But I'm not sure.

You coming, Dobby?

Leave poor old million-text Mark to his surveillance.

That's Jeremy. What's Jeremy doing in my bedroom?

Mark, have you rigged your flat up with spycams?

Webcams. If Jeremy has nothing to hide, he has nothing to fear.

DOBBY: Who's that?

Some guy. He's taken some guy into my room.

Oh, God.

Is he going to sell all my stuff, or...

Or download something horrible onto my computer?

DOBBY: Wow.

OK. Jeremy's gone gay. OK.

Is he playing the field, or is this guy his boyfriend?

Don't know. He's always been pretty slutty and a bit...

But not actually the full...

God, maybe he does this every time I leave the house.

Oh, God, what are they going to do next?

I think I know what they're going to do next.

Well, why can't they do it in his bed?

We should turn this off. Yeah, we definitely should.

That reading light's going to go.

I wonder if they're going to be into

penetration or just clip each other off.

Yeah, that gives it a certain suspense.

I really feel I shouldn't be watching this.

Are they...

Is my room all right?

Your room's fine, but Jeremy's cock's getting quite the hammering.

Oi-oi, Marco, ready to go?

Molly's gang are staying here, so

Team Hans are off to burn down the village.

DOBBY: Ooh. What you watching?

Jez get fucked by some guy on Mark's webcam.

Right. Fair play.

How long you been filming Jez having sex, Mark?

It's accidental. I just wanted to make sure

he hadn't turned up the central heating.

You can relax on that front.

I don't think they're going to need any central heating.

'I will not watch this.

'I'm going to go and stare into the mirror and wait out the fucking

'like it's an air raid.' DOBBY: Whoo!

The reading light's gone, Mark. Ohh.

Anything else for the speech? Gregory, it's all cool.

Mark is not going to jump me.

He's not an alpha male asshole.

'Heh-heh! Everyone trusts the pathetic worm.

'It's good to be a pathetic worm.'

Stop being a psycho and go back to live-tweeting your headache.

Oh, right, I once fucking totalled a mate's car,

smashed the shit out of it big-time,

and we fell out and he came for me, but I did him.

Uh-huh. That's...

That's a good story. Um...

Any-Anything I could use that might be a bit more romantic?

Also, and I know this might sound

like a bit of a starter question, but...

What's your name?

Megan doesn't need to know about this. Right?

Oh, sure. Just watching TV with a guy.

It's like watching TV with Mark.

Except, generally, I don't have Mark's jizz on my leg.

How would it be if...?

I mean, I've had a really nice time and, er,

I don't want to push it, but...

What if I stayed over?

Er...

'Cuddling up all night with Joe,

'as if we were boyfriend and...boyfriend?

'Am I going to go the full three dimensions?'

Love to, but I've got to get on a coach to Norfolk.

It's... Best friend's wedding. Now?

Yeah, got to go.

Can't hang around here cuddling all night long.

Got to get on a night coach to King's Lynn, my friend.

I understand, and I'm sorry for being rude.

No, you've explained the economics

of running a rural taxi firm very clearly.

Three hours for a cab.

How are we going to get back? We're in the middle of nowhere.

Fuck! Right...

Oh, no, Hans. No, not that.

Wicked! Hitching! Well, one of us is definitely going to get murdered.

Probably bloody me. It's usually the girl.

Relax. There are three of us.

If they try anything, just whip out a bootlace and...

Take 'em out from behind - nice and easy.

Er... So, yeah, Dobs, I just wanted

to say, about the...million-text month...

Sorry.

I was just not feeling like chatting.

After the weird picnic, I just felt...

You know when you want to get the fuck out,

because you're getting suffocated?

Those last few months, me and you, do you remember?

We used to just sit on the sofa watching DVDs

and eating lamb pasanda like a pair of zombies.

Yeah. Was sort of like a living death, wasn't it?

'It was lovely.'

Yeah, cos I've actually been thinking of maybe training it to Budapest

and getting into mime and fucking street theatre.

Yeah? You don't want to hitch in England,

but you want to mime in Hungary?

Oh, God, no.

Why would anyone be driving around at this time?

It doesn't make any sense.

Dobby, we're not seriously going to get into a stranger's car?

It's an adventure, Mark. They could be anyone.

Poets, hippies, freaks, norms.

Maniacs, people smugglers, organ harvesters.

Mm, everyone's drinking the Kool-Aid.

I don't want any delicious Kool-Aid.

TINNY MUSIC 'The tinny vibration.

'God, that's annoying. That has got to hurt.

'I'm aggressively glancing. Constant eye flicks and no smile.

'Man, he's got to be hurting. This is inhuman.

'I'm slaying him.

'What the hell am I doing in this horrible coach

'instead of spooning with a lovely guy?

'Do I love Joe? Do I love Megan?

'Do I love this guy sitting next to me?

'Am I a guy who just slept with a guy, which is fine,

'or am I a guy who is a gay guy, which is also fine,

'or am I a guy who sometimes sleeps with guys and sometimes doesn't?

'Which is also fine.

'It's all totally fine.'

So, why are you all out, then?

You guys looking for a good time, or what?

'God, they're doggers. I'm going to get dogged.'

Oh, we've just been out for a few tomato juices, heading home.

Do you know anywhere haunted?

Properly haunted, not just bullshit for tourists?

What do you think? Have we got time for a quick detour?

We could go up to the old air-raid shelter up on the top road.

'Oh, my God. I knew someone was going to get murdered.'

WHISPERING: Hans! What?

Do not murder him. What did you say?

Er, nothing. Did you tell him to murder us?

No, no, I said not to murder you.

Just doing up my laces, guys. Relax, for fuck's sake.

Why are you talking about murdering us?

No, no murdering. It's a misunderstanding.

Cos if you come for us, I'll chop

you up and feed you into a fucking septic tank.

Touche. We...we relent. Seriously, no...no harm meant.

I-I momentarily thought that there was an outside chance that my pal

might be going to try to murder you

and I was just checking that he wasn't,

so...we're all good.

So, what's, er...what's your position on the whole euro situation?

Oh, my God. I thought Hans was actually going to garrotte him.

I know. And then I thought no-one was going to

challenge that guy on his xenophobic rant,

but I just had to say it, I couldn't let it go.

I think it's good how you said it.

I mean, I would have said it...eventually.

Maybe a bit closer to our destination.

How much further is it?

Fuck knows. Like, three miles.

Man, Molly's going to shit a house brick.

Right... I'm running.

No shoes? No, man.

Mother Nature's trainer, the human foot.

Right, laterz.

Oh, and, er, watch out for wolves.

There are no wolves in East Anglia, Hans.

Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, Marko.

Ooh, you fucker!

Oh, God. Five miles?

If it gets too freezing, we could always sleep in a barn.

'The prospect of spending the night

'huddled in a haystack with Dobby should be thrilling,

'but all I can think about is my hotel bed and my pillow chocolate.

'I want my pillow chocolate.

'Oh, no pillow chocolate.

'I don't expect them to actually run me a bath.

'I simply want to eat some chocolate off my pillow

'like a normal human being.' KNOCK ON DOOR

'Could it be Dobby?

'Maybe Gregory's minor headache was an aneurysm.

'Heh-heh! Naughty but nice.'

Oh.

Hey. I thought you'd be here tomorrow.

I am actually quite tired, so...

The inevitable Jez. How's the Dobby mission going?

Disaster. She's got a boyfriend.

She seems a lot happier, comfier in her own skin.

She's blossomed.

I hate it when that happens.

Yeah, so, um, I know we don't have that many heart-to-heart chats,

but, um, there's something I need to talk to you about.

Uh-huh. 'I know nothing. Don't pre-empt.'

'Blank face, blank face.'

Look, you're the last person

who I would ideally talk to about this,

but the fact is, this will come as something of a shock.

'Total surprise.'

Earlier tonight, I had sex with a man in my bedroom,

and... I'm...I'm sorry, in your bedroom?

Yeah. And...

I have feelings for this guy Joe,

but I kind of walked out on him and...

Just to clarify, you were in...your bedroom?

Yes, Mark.

Anyway, um, as I was saying, I really like this guy...

Not the kitchen, or-or the living room, or any other room in the flat?

I'm talking about possibly

the biggest thing that's ever happened in my life

and you're obsessing about...roomal geography?

No, fine. Go on. I-I-I'm sorry.

I thought I was just totally open, totally cool,

but now I wonder if

inside, I don't have some shame or confusion

deep in there. Uh-huh, I get it, mate.

And-And what, out-out of interest, was the temperature like in the room

when...when you were...doing it? Normal,

unheated, regular air temperature.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hey, Mark, Gregory forgot his toothbrush. Oh, hey, Jez.

Hey, Dobs. Sorry, am I interrupting?

I'll-I'll leave you two to... Sorry.

Good luck!

Dobby, are you all right?

Sorry, it's just...

I know something about you which I shouldn't really know,

but I do know, but it's not my fault.

Anyway, really great, Jez, everything, bye.

Did you...

Do you...know?

Look, I'm sorry, Jez, but I've...

I've got a webcam in my bedroom.

Oh, my God! You watched me...?

I saw the whole thing and so did Dobby.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hey, Mark, Dobs forgot the charger. Can I grab it?

Oh. Wow, you must be Jeremy.

Yes. How do you...

I, er...must have seen you before...

around.

See you later.

Him as well?

You chose to go into my bedroom. You...you filmed yourself.

I didn't know your room

was bristling with surveillance equipment.

DOOR OPENS

All right, Jez? Hans.

So, er, it's all cool with Molly.

Look, I just wanted to say about tonight, um...sorry...

about the garrotting.

I fucked up a nice lift home for us there and, er,

well, you didn't break my nuts about it.

That's what real mates do. They, er...

they take a pounding, but they still come up smiling.

Bit like Jez with that bloke in your bed.

God, has the entire world seen this fucking video?

I came here to talk to someone about this, get some perspective.

Turns out I can just read the fucking YouTube comments.

Yeah. They might be good comments.

Good afternoon. My name's Katie Mitchell...

JEZ: 'First mistake - no bouncers at the wedding. I'm in.

'Plus, the great thing is,

'I've escaped the strong, comforting arms of the sexy, affectionate man.'

...to conduct this ceremony for them today.

So, it's my great pleasure...

WHISPERING: Gregory sure loves his phone.

'Looking at his phone and she loves it. I could look at my phone.

'We all want to look at our phones.'

They will now recite the vows they have written together.

I will not fail nor falter.

I shall succeed. My perception is altered.

I do believe.

Faith is so strong now.

Nothing shall bar my way.

From conviction, no fiction.

This is my day.

I can move, move, move any mountain.

I can move, move, move any mountain.

BOTH: I can move, move, move any mountain.

Simon? MARK: 'Simon?

'Super Simon? Simon Hans?'

...and into my heart.

You are the best of men.

The truest, kindest, most generous of men.

JEZ: 'I think he might be the opposite of all those words.'

I'm getting married.

And I would punch in the throat anyone who tried to stop me.

That is how I feel today, Molly.

So suffused with love,

I'd put a glass in the face of anyone

who tried to stop us joining our souls together.

I'd hospitalise them.

Hear, hear.

The bride and groom!

MARK: 'Mention the seven years working in Richer Sounds in Kew,

'miss out the Thai jail,

'on to the bands, drop the first marriage,

'hit Jeremy and their long friendship,

'minus all the bad blood and occasional sucking each other off, blah, blah.

'Wrap up with a toast to the bride and groom, Hans, or possibly Simon,

'and his wife, whose Christian name I've unfortunately forgotten.

'Shit! I don't really know either of their names.

'There's Dobby. She doesn't like pasanda and quality TV drama.

'She likes hitchhiking and terrifying actual drama.

'We don't fit. Oh, my God!

'I'm letting go. I've crossed the bridge into adulthood. I'm moving on.

'I'm going to delete her off my GPS.

'Weird. It looks like she's right behind me.

'Fuck! What the...'

Oof! I know you're stalking Dobby.

I tracked your IP address. You still love her.

Gregory, believe me, I don't. I'm not. I've stopped.

When? Literally just now.

I was just about to delete her off my phone.

You douchebag!

I promise you, I don't like her any more.

She always saying exactly what she's thinking,

with no regards for the consequences

and she's got weird hair, and she smokes.

Ah, please don't punch me. I wish you both well.

I wish you both well!

Um... Excuse me, ladies and gents.

Excuse me. Oi!

Sorry, hi. Er, I'm afraid the, er, the best man, er, has gone AWOL.

Um, but don't worry.

Just eat some cheese and I'll get it sorted.

Jez, Jez.

Um, would you...

But I've got nothing prepared. That's all right.

Just freestyle it, man, yeah?

But don't, er... Obviously, don't rap.

Remember? After Stoke? You never rap.

GLASS DINGS

Hans...

Super Hans...

I've known Hans for many a year now.

It's been a long road and now, as you've found Molly,

er, and...

I don't really want to get into this, but I've started it now,

but I'm going to bring it round, so don't worry.

People said Molly wasn't right for you. That she was a downer.

But you know what? If someone loves someone, he just...loves them.

And if that person is considered to be a downer,

or even a yawn-a-thon, who cares?

And even if someone loves another man...or...

What's in a name?

Or gender?

Is it possible to love two people at once? Three?

Four is surely the limit.

But is it?

What is love anyway? Is it, er...

an act or a feeling...

or... Who am I to speak?

Who are you to listen?

Why is a marriage a marriage?

But society says it's wrong for two men to love one another

even though...

now it says it says that now it's OK?

Is it OK because society says it's OK? What next?

Dogs getting married?

Could I marry my own son?

No.

Possibly not?

Correct.

Or is it? What I'm trying to say

is that people should do whatever they want to do

at a temperature that suits them within limits.

Thank you.

'Pretty sure someone's going to print that speech on a tea towel someday.

'Yeah! Eat that, Obama.

'Fuck off, Mandela. Take that, Mark.

'I'm the best man. I'm the best man who ever lived.'

# Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me

# Just say you never met me

# I'm running underground with the moles

♪ Digging holes. ♪