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- [Richard] What's up there, fella?

See, I'm Richard, your son.

Let me put this amplifier on you.

Test, test, test.

How are you?

I'm Richard. (Stephen mumbles)

Yeah.

Thank you. (people chattering)

How are you? - Okay.

- You good? (somber music)

All right, here it goes.

Don't try to eat it now.

Not bad, huh? (somber music)

You like this, don't you?

I know you like this.

(soft piano music)

That's it, kiddo.

Caring for dad is a challenge of physical and mental health.

It was a lonely road

until I found others. - Do you have nightmares?

(soft piano music)

- Tell us about the injury.

- [Luke] My mind was a mess. We get lost in there.

Just suicidal.

- With cancer, that's dangerous.

- We're everywhere. - I wish I could be there

for all of it. - I'm not ready.

- Me and Matthew. - Join energy.

- (laughs) Have fun! - Fall deeper in love.

This is a common experience.

(soft piano music)

(car engines rumbling)

- Okay, you're almost there.

We have to.

No, you have to throw your gum first.

Throw your gum. - Yeah.

- [Carer] Okay. Okay, brush your teeth now.

- Thank you.

- [Carer] All right, okay.

Okay, go again and then close this.

Yes.

Turn off. Use this one.

Okay.

- (laughs) Thank you.

You're so good. My first son, Richard.

- Okay. - Yes! (laughs)

- You have to go walking now. - Thank you, sir.

- Move forward, one. - Oh, yeah.

- Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

- The father I've known- - Eight, seven.

- has been disappearing. (electronic bubbling)

- Mouses. (computer dings)

- Still my dad, but our relationship

is definitely changing. (electronic bubbling)

- Babble. - At age 15

when we were living on Jackson Street.

- Oh yeah. - And went to (indistinct).

And then, I was baptized there.

It was the greatest blessing throughout my whole life.

- There it is. - Yeah.

It's a beautiful one. - Little by little,

Alzheimer's, it's basically just taking away little bits

of his brain. - Egyptian.

- All right. And maybe a little bit of me too.

(group chattering)

Here we are at dinner with my aunts and uncles

about eight years ago.

And you can see him, he seems totally fine.

But the youngest of his 12 siblings pulls me aside

and says, "He's forgetting our names."

And not too much later, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's

and that started the road. - We'll get your mother.

- Well, she's gonna wait for us here

'cause we're coming back. - Okay.

(soft music)

- Good to see you too.

- I love you so much! - I love you too.

(soft piano music)

It's okay.

- You don't want gum.

What?

- He was mid stage at that point.

I think we get off here.

We get off here. - All right.

- My mom, it was taking care of an 84-year-old child

24 hours a day.

She needed my help because he kept wanting to leave

and open doors and wander in the streets.

- That's fresh tuna fish?

- Keep on eating Subway sandwiches

or going and buying donuts. - Which one?

There's so many before.

- He drove straight through, all the way through

that back wall.

You know, he liked to poop everywhere.

I clean up his poop and he had the strength

to open up drawers and turn on stoves

and try to open cans with a fork.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And he did it.

(soft piano music)

(people chattering)

Hi, I'm Richard Lui, live at MSNBC headquarters

here in New York City.

Thanks for being with us today.

We just have some new information

on the breaking news story.

The mass shooting come out of El Paso, Texas.

I've been a journalist for 15 years.

We're gonna continue next with Reverend Al Sharpton

and "Politics Nation."

Stick around. We'll be right back.

All right.

Right? The last second there, Ron.

Did you see that? - I see.

- Oh, I tell ya.

Being an anchor, you normally work eight days a week,

25 hours a day. - Run.

- Run. - Get out of here

before it's too late. - I don't know, man.

You know how it goes.

I'm not going anywhere. - Haven.

- Hi. - I went to my bosses

and I said, "You know, my dad just got diagnosed

and I know where this is going."

She and I came up with a plan so that

I could work part time.

So I work from Friday to Sunday and then Monday

I get up, to the airport, fly from New York

to San Francisco.

It's a 10-hour door to door.

Immediately go to care for my dad.

- Thank you, sir. - Fridays, I get up

and I reverse the entire trip

and that's three times a month, about 300,000 miles a year.

January 20th, we're taking a quick little walk.

Say hello to baba. - Yeah.

You're so good, I told you.

Ah, you're so good, son. (soft piano music)

- When I wasn't looking after my dad,

I was learning from others what it meant

to be a caregiver. - It's critical to document

the caregiver journey.

To convey the impact on their physical, psychological,

financial, and social wellbeing.

- Now it's three phases. - Yeah.

- And we start with becoming aware and adjusting.

- Yeah, which is the most difficult thing.

- It was probably three or four years before

I began to self-identify as a caregiver even though

I was providing those- - Did you say three

or four years? - Three or four years.

Absolutely. - The future we once planned

it's impossible now. - Right.

- So we're trying to build a new one that's just as good,

maybe better.

It's just hard coming to grips with the different part.

- They felt like they were on the same lonely road

that I thought I was on. - You don't take yourself.

- I'm a caregiver for my husband who's a-

- [Richard] Until we realized we're everywhere.

My children are or were ready to be caregivers.

- Wow, all no. - Everybody is battling-

- That's when I found Amy Bushatz.

She's also a journalist and her beat was caregiving stories.

She was also living through it herself.

- Letting my local community understand about caregivers

and that's not something that we do.

The longer that I spend in my community in Alaska,

the more I see that's true.

But the more they get to know me and they understand why

this is important and so they get to know Luke, right?

And they get to see this is who he is

and this is what we deal with at home

and this is maybe the part that you don't see everyday.

- [Richard] Right.

And so, I headed to Alaska to see what Amy and Luke

were living through at home. (soft music)

(soft music continues)

- No, it's sad that ...

Close enough. Yeah.

Okay, good stuff.

Hey, Steve, I am hunting down some information about

the Childcare Aware contract, which is, of course,

the ones that gives the subsidy if childcare

on base is full.

When I married a guy in the military,

my local news became military spouse and family issues.

I've been covering military spouse and family news

about eight years now.

Sailors and their families more money.

(Luke speaks indistinctly)

I'm making them some breakfast.

You wanna do lunches? - Sure.

- Cool.

It's not super cold, so you could probably

wear short sleeves with a sweatshirt if you want.

It's like 34. It's warm (laughs).

- Dave, eggs, table. - Okay.

- Thank you, sir. - Hucky, sit down, honey.

- You guys want some carrots? - Not at all.

- [Luke] Not at all?

All right, well, you have to have some carrots, okay?

Dave, do you want yogurt? - No.

- [Luke] Thank you, sir.

- Luke got out of the military on July 1, 2016.

And as far as I was concerned, okay,

he had some struggles, but he's not disabled.

- Let's go, big guy. - Okay.

We know he struggles with PTSD.

We think he probably bonked his head a couple times.

His neck hurts.

Sometimes, he has headaches. Not a big deal, okay?

So then, one day, at least in our house,

you wake up and there's this huge sum of money

in your bank account from the VA.

- Hmm? - What? Can I see the list?

- Mm-hmm. - Holy mother.

- Mm-hmm. - 'Cause he has,

at this point, gone through the process to be rated,

you know, what are your "disabilities"?

- Yeah. - And it's just like

this laundry list, page after page after page.

Mild traumatic brain injury, percentage, description,

cardiac disease, percentage, description.

And we discovered that the VA actually considers him

not 100% disabled, more like 350% disabled.

- Dave got that yesterday from school.

- [Luke] Yeah, he got it yesterday.

Is the only library book? - And I found that really sad.

I felt like I was now dealing with somebody

who was proclaimed broken and I didn't know really

how to process that and what to think about that.

It's upstairs. Do you want a hat?

- Thank you.

Get your backpack. Please go to school.

I love you.

I hope you have a great day. - Okay.

(somber music)

- Yeah! - Ah!

(somber music)

- Wow, that must've been tough.

So, Luke, tell us about the injury.

- I sustained my real bad TBIs,

traumatic brain injury, a decade ago, 2009.

A big one would be my vehicle rolling over

an IED and blowing up.

Most IEDs go up around a vehicle

and they're literally crushed by a shockwave inside of it.

I was in a vehicle where I was crushed to the point

that there were armored doors that blew off the vehicle

and released the pressure.

If they hadn't have been there,

I would not be sitting here today to talk to you.

I would've been turned into internal Jell-O.

(bombs blast) (high-pitched whirring)

But brain slams up against your skull

and it is damaged, bruised, and needs time to recover.

I probably should've went and laid down

for 10 days in a dark tent, but I took some aspirin,

went and threw up in my room, and went back to work

the next day. (high-pitched whirring)

(objects clattering)

(objects clattering)

(somber music)

I find healing in the mountains for myself mentally,

emotionally, even physically.

Check.

After 10 years on active duty, of 10 years of war,

we moved here knowing that it was going to help me heal

and, therefore, or family to heal, to grow,

to be better.

- We needed a fresh start. We needed to start over.

- Six, one. - When we moved here in 2016

and he was home all the time that's when

I really started noticing the forgetfulness.

- [Luke] One non-locking carabineer. Check.

One non-locking carabineer. Check.

- Multiple times, he would set his bag of PT stuff

on the back of his car and drive away.

Just a lot of stuff right and left.

Like, where is it?

Did you leave the stove on, you know?

Just spacing out.

He let our kids out for a walk and forgot they were gone.

State trooper brought them back.

It was very embarrassing. - Probe, two sets.

Avalung. Ski straps, ski straps, ski straps.

10 meters, one each.

Sometimes, you're husband forgets things.

My wife takes it for granted that I will forget things

and is pleasantly surprised when I don't.

Okay, brother, the reason I'm calling is I have

a lot of redundant gear for the climb up Hood.

I think that covers a lot of the stuff

you're gonna need outside of clothing other than

a harness and a helmet.

I think you should get your own helmet

and your own- - Okay.

- Harness.

The only thing I recommend is you need

to pick up your own harness and you need

to pick up your own helmet. - Okay, okay.

- So things that would be normal for other people,

they don't think that way.

It's almost as if going from A to Z,

I will go A, B, M, C, Q, Z. (soft music)

- It's very tempting to be angry at him.

I taught myself to stop and recalibrate.

We are angry at the brain injury, we are not angry at Luke.

Now, I would love to be able to tell you that when

he's being weird or crazy I think,

"Oh, he must be having a headache,"

and, oh, "Life's so hard for you."

Like, let's be really understanding.

That is not (laughs) at all what happens,

inevitably, right?

I say, "You are acting like a psycho," so (laughs) ...

- [Luke] (indistinct) that's good, Amy.

- No, it's not good at all.

Living with someone with a brain injury

is very stressful. (soft music)

- How do I deal with that? - How do you deal with that?

- Well, I mean, I see a therapist, so (laughs) ...

(soft music)

- We register isolation, discord, alienation,

in the exact same way that we register

a physical threat.

Over time, that can become difficulty

with complicated thinking, communicating with other people,

even displaying empathy.

So in that way, our isolation can become self perpetuating.

- I happened to meet Kate when she was an expert

on my show.

Joining me now is Kate Hendricks Thomas,

a former Marine and board member

of the Service Women's Action Network.

She was the leading voice in the world of Veteran wellness.

Kate, when you were serving, were you aware of this?

- Well, the scale and the reach of the current issue

is certainly larger than anything I faced while

I was on active duty.

'Cause when I was an officer of Marines-

- Thinking back, I felt like the questions

I needed to ask myself now emotionally were something

she knew well.

So I reached out to visit Kate.

(soft music)

(soft music continues)

- I'm gonna try something different

for dinner tonight. - Oh, no.

- So wish me luck. - Please don't.

- Hey, I'm trying to do something that Matthew will eat.

That's my goal. Meatballs.

Hello, honey bunny. - Mama, can I eat something?

- I'm gonna make dinner right now.

Take your shoes off.

You don't need shoes on in the house.

You're gonna try my meatballs. - Mama, I want waffles.

- You can have waffles after meatballs.

- Mm-hmm. - I want the waffles

and toast.

- You can have toast and meatballs.

- [Shane] I mean, you gotta have protein, dude.

- [Kate] Go sit at your spot and wait.

- [Shane] We first met when were at Tuscaloosa.

She was going for her PhD.

I had just gotten back from Iraq and I was finishing up

my master's degree.

- [Kate] He was just a steady person of character

and integrity and loyalty. - In 2014, we got married.

And Matthew was born that same year.

And it has been a whirlwind ever since.

- And about four weeks after he was born

we moved to South Carolina so I could start

my first job as a professor.

- [Shane] She has written three books.

She has done three TED Talks.

- We make up about seven percent of the population.

As long as I strove to be perfect,

as long as I never used ramps on the obstacle course,

I could be part of the club and I love that club.

I focus, a lot of the time, on trying to make

the transition back to civilian life easier

for military women.

- [Shane] Her mission in life was trying to cater to people

who were clearly in need.

But I have to balance her out.

She would constantly say, "Yes, and ..."

but overexerted herself one too many times.

- You have something called innate resilience.

- [Shane] And I can't always be there to be her guardrail.

- It's actually not bad, right?

You're pleading the fifth? (laughs)

- I'll let the middle of the night tell me whether or not-

- [Kate] It's not bad.

You're not gonna get food poisoned.

- No. - No way.

- You're right. - That's right.

- [Kate] Good? Thank you.

- Matthew teaches me well. (soft music)

(siren wails)

(monitor beeping) (people chattering)

- Why can't I get a recliner?

Husband chairs aren't made to be comfortable.

- Yeah. - Except in the mall.

- Yeah. - Then they are designed

to be comfortable 'cause a happy husband means

a happy wife. - Mm-hmm.

Well I appreciate you being here.

It's so hard to sit still for this whole thing.

- The oncologist said that it looked like somebody

had taken Kate and dipped her from head to toe,

every bone in her body.

She said, "We're looking at about six to 10 years."

And my initial response was,

"You mean six to 10 years for the treatment

to finally take effect or what do you mean?"

And she didn't answer.

I realized that that was how long Kate's gonna be

on this planet.

Cancer attacks the person and it only has one mission.

And you don't know when it's gonna complete that mission.

(bird squawks)

- Chemotherapy is expensive. - Just a little bit.

- We need to keep this for kindling.

- In this house, we say the word cancer, cancer,

with a little lilt in our voice because we don't want

to scare Matthew.

He doesn't really get yet that we're talking about

it just being him and daddy at some point.

We haven't really gone there yet.

- If you want. - Sure.

(somber music)

- He knows that my natural tendency is to move fast.

You know, the phrase I always use is power through.

You've gotta power through some hard things

and with cancer that's kinda dangerous.

(laughs) Now we're gonna get up, right?

Now we're up. Now we feel good.

I don't wanna lose my image of myself

as somebody that takes care of other people.

Like, that's always been such a big part

of my identity that the idea of slowing down

and letting other people do for me feels like losing myself.

(soft music)

- One time, me and Matthew were down here

and playing or doing something and she was standing

on those stairs and had tears streaming down her face.

And said that it felt like every bone in her body

was writhing and pinging in pain

and Matthew's standing right there with me

and looking up at her.

And you can't do anything, I mean ...

(soft music)

(car engines rumbling)

(soft music continues)

- I'm going to an intake appoint with the TBI clinic

to do what's called a round table consult

with a bunch of doctors and the TBI clinic.

This is my second round table, my first up here.

I bring her along to fill in the gaps.

- Well, so this is actually my first time doing

one of these.

- But it's putting you together doing this.

And you're going in a very difficult environment.

- Yeah, I'm sort of hoping to have a chance

to just weight, like counterbalance.

That's really like a major part of

the caregiver thing, right? - Yeah.

- That he has a perception of his injuries

and he has a perception of how he deals with stuff

and then I have a totally different perception.

For example, we did an intake appointment once

with a doctor who asked him like,

"Do you have nightmares?"

Or, "Do you have flashbacks?"

And he said, "No."

And I said, "Oh, I'm really sorry, but, yes, you do."

- There might be things that you need to discuss that

you haven't discussed and those get missed

and that hurts.

But at the same time, it's also a place where potentially

your spouse, your caregiver, can learn more about where

you're hurting and how they can help.

- [Richard] Could she say something that might hurt you?

- Yes, but I could also say something

that could hurt her, you know?

- It's hard to look in the face of your trauma.

The hardest thing is watching the emotional toll.

I can't fix that.

I can't influence that at all.

I can put him in front of resources,

I can go with him to appointments.

I can, you know, remember to make the phone call that

he can't remember to make, put it on his calendar

so he can do it.

I cannot control how he feels about stuff.

- 2012 was when, like, we realized there was

a big problem.

Honestly, our marriage fell apart.

I was completely giving my life to my career

and service to the Army.

And it wasn't until 2015 that I made the decision

to leave active duty.

So there was like a three-year period there just pain.

I'm gonna get Dave. - Okay. You mean Huck.

- Huck. Huck.

I'm gonna go get Huck.

If I can find my wallet.

Getting Huck, getting Huck.

(car engine rumbling)

So my perspective, driving is a little different

than other people.

What I look at is, all right, I'm coming in to a turn

and I know that this turn cuts and then turns left.

This is a perfect setup for an L ambush.

So if I wanted to, I would put a bomb right around

the corner and then one right in here.

I'd take out the front and lead vehicle

and then I would just kill everything in between.

- [Richard] So do you still think that way?

- Occasional. Or also all the time.

Everything can be a threat.

Every scrap of trash, every misplaced tree landing.

The further away you are from combat,

the easier it is to disassociate yourself

from those threats until you're triggered.

(alarm rings)

When I came back from deployment,

I started using substances to dull the pain,

over-the-counter medications, alcohol.

Yeah, you could tell my heart rate was going up.

I worked crazy, insane hours, had constant alertness,

watchfulness, inability to sleep.

We were about to redeploy to Afghanistan,

but I'd go for a run and I literally got, like,

a quarter mile down the road and I had this massive pain

in my left side and I, like, fall into

the bushes and just lay there.

I had 90% blockage in two arteries.

They were like, "We're doing emergency surgery

on you tomorrow morning."

The cardiologist was like, "I don't know how you're alive."

(heartbeat thumping)

Your job is killing you.

I was 29 years old.

After that, like, I literally spiraled out of control.

My mind was a mess.

I can do my job, great.

That world I get.

You want me to go home and be emotionally available

to my wife and kids?

The chaos of my home, the chaos that I created,

I didn't understand. - Can you sit?

In the (indistinct) Huck a buck.

- Our dad is a proud guy,

but a lot of stuff goes on with him.

- He went to war when Davey- - He went to war

when Davey was one. - got a endless headache.

- David, he went to war when David was one.

- A war that's still going on.

He protects our country.

The whole thing.

- He also protected the whole West.

- Yes, that is true.

- [Huck] Well, a bomb went off on his vehicle.

He was blown up and it hit his head.

- How do you talk about that with mom and dad?

- We just barely. - We don't talk about it

really at all.

- I come down, I see him putting his hands over his head

and I leave him alone.

- Some mornings, his headache is big.

Some morning it's small.

- Sometimes, he wakes up crying.

- There we go.

- [Luke] David, a lot of times, will be,

like, very consciously trying to be quiet or a lot of days

it'll be a migraine.

But a lot of days it'll be like,

because I have this low end headache,

I'm, like, super irritable.

He's the one that will be, like, visibly upset.

- I just like sense it. (soft music)

His face doesn't look normal. - All right.

- I see my dad and I get that weird feeling that

he's feeling pretty bad.

- So hold at engine start. - Okay.

(drone whirs)

- Just like you're doing.

You wanna keep it near us.

Oh, too much, too much, too much!

Too many movements. - Okay.

- Very small movements. - Okay.

- Got it?

- I need to get better at this.

- Yeah. We'll practice some more.

- If you think about somebody in terms of PTSD or TBI

and if you're emotional capacity is as cup

and you're operating at almost full at the time.

And you wake up in the morning and now today

you have a migraine, so now you are full.

And it disintegrates, right?

It's just all falls apart.

- Hey, Dave, put this away, please.

I've asked you.

This is the third time I've asked you to do it.

Kid rolls his eyes and it, boom, that's it.

(dramatic music) And we explode.

(glass shatters)

Anger and frustration and rage at times.

And they're kids. (kids laughing)

(glass shattering)

- What I really want in those moments

is for him to just go away.

Like, retreat, retreat, you know?

Like, if you need to cool off, go downstairs.

But that takes him admitting, like,

"I'm having a problem right now, I need to go,"

and that's hard. (soft music)

- At one point, Amy had been, like,

"Listen, you gotta go."

Like, "You're out of control.

Your substance abuse is out of control.

Your behavior is unacceptable the way you're treating me

and the children."

It was kinda like make or break.

(Amy grunts)

- He was imploding so much and full of

so much self loathing that he was willing

to throw away whatever. - Go, Amy.

(soft music) (Amy grunts)

- And then, comes this terrible, terrible moment

where I'm standing in my bedroom looking at my husband

who is literally sitting on the floor crying

saying that he doesn't know why he's here,

doesn't know why he's alive. (somber music)

- [Luke] In early 2014, I was really broken emotionally.

I was having suicidal ideations.

I was making a plan how to kill myself.

When you're in your own mind, we get lost in there.

It was the darkest moments in my life.

(soft piano music) (passengers chattering)

(car engines rumbling) (soft piano music)

- You want it?

No, you can't do that.

You left too much on. - (laughs) Okay.

I can't see.

- After the emotional toll of caring

for my father at home reached a breaking point,

we made that tough decision to move my father into

an assisted care facility.

It was better for everybody, but it's tough.

My sister really wanted him to be at home.

I did too, but I knew it was tearing my mom up.

She couldn't keep up.

When we left or when we weren't here, it was all her.

- My mom slept on the couch every night

so that if my dad got lost or opened the door

to try and leave she was there.

Mom never complained.

She never said anything. She just did it.

But she never slept in the bed again.

- [Rose] He likes this though. (Richard chuckles)

- [Richard] He's got that itch going on there.

- Well, okay, let's see what ...

(Stephen groans)

Okay, you're gonna exercise your fingers then, okay?

Up, one, two. (Stephen groans)

Three. You wanna sing?

- [Richard] Yeah, "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."

Here, use this- - You sing it.

No. - I'll do one little piggy.

- No, you- - One little ...

- [Richard] That's your specialty, mom.

* Twinkle, twinkle little star

* How I wonder what you are

* Up above the world - So now, he's at

a different stage, which means the challenges have shifted.

* Like a diamond in the sky - He can't walk.

None of those things that existed before are happening.

* How I wonder (Stephen groans)

Oh, that's enough.

- You really cranky, Baba? (Stephen groans)

Okay, it's 'cause you had a little water.

Alzheimer's took away the ability for my dad to swallow.

He basically forgot how to do it.

The food would go into his lungs,

which would cause not only coughing,

but potentially deadly pneumonia.

Come on over here.

So this one is French toast, this is eggs.

For the food, I use the white spoon.

My dad's doctors had brought up putting in

a stomach tube, but they also told us it's invasive

and rarely successful and actually advised against it.

And we'll just wait for this little thing

to show him to swallow.

You can do it.

We put together this very intricate, elaborate system

of spoon feeding at the first facility he went to.

I'll use the large black spoon for the cream of wheat

'cause it can hold more.

But it wasn't working.

My father's lowest weight was in the 90s.

The very idea of him having a stomach tube

and getting fed with a formula, that was after great debate

in my family about what was best for him.

- I love you. - You're so wonderful.

- One time, in the hospital, the doctor sat down

my mom and me and he said, "We cannot feed your dad.

Your dad keeps regurgitating.

You need to think about letting him go, like now."

- Hang in there, baba.

I mean, we know this one patient so well.

Sometimes, we had to fight what the advice was.

We ended up putting in the tube.

Going for a ride. (Rose laughs)

And it is what has been able to keep him with us.

All right, be careful of his fingers, mom.

All right, fella.

- No, no, that's too loose.

It'll come right off. - No.

- [Rose] I just want it-

- Just don't make it too tight.

- I'm not.

Are you gonna plan to read to him or not?

- Oh, chapter eight, right?

Jesus went to the Mount of Olives at dawn.

He appeared again in the temple courts.

(Stephen mumbles)

Yes. - (indistinct) verse?

- Yeah. - You remember this one?

My father wanted to become a youth pastor,

but it just wasn't enough to support the family.

So he became a social worker and my mom

an elementary school teacher

in some of the most difficult schools.

They did not pick well-paying jobs.

It was a sacrifice. We were on food stamps.

But it's the way they wanted to do it.

It's been super instructive for me this quiet lesson, right?

You need to live the way you want others to live.

You dig it?

Hey, Pastor Lui. (Rose laughs)

Doing good. - He's giving you

that kind of questioning look?

- You're wondering what I'm reading, don't you?

Okay. We're done bugging ya.

Ooh, wee, wee, oop.

He told me I looked good earlier.

- You look good? - Yeah.

He's obviously lost his sight too.

(Rose laughs) Right?

(soft music)

So, Mom, I don't know what you do with,

I bought 'em only because they look good.

How do you cook these?

You cook the beet like a potato.

- I thought this,

this is the part you throw away,

isn't it? - Yeah.

- I got cabbage too and I'm thinking just put it

on all one pot.

(violin music)

She took up lessons at the age of 79

to learn how to play the violin.

She loves music and it was her therapy.

She stopped for two years because

the caregiving became so intense.

That meant a lot for her.

- That's all I could do.

- [Richard] That sounded good though.

- If I should ever learn it back.

- So about six months ago, she started her lessons again

and it has brought her renewed joy and energy.

Unfortunately, spouses of those who have severe disease

or afflictions may past first because they give so much.

So I knew that I had to watch my mom

even though she did not wanna be watched.

(violin music)

Bravo. - Sure.

(cellphone rings)

- On the money, we have enough for how long?

Another month or so? - About a month

to six weeks maybe. - Okay. All right.

- The care home costs $10,000 a month,

which has depleted my mom's savings.

- When I start adding it up it was like it goes fast.

- But we know it's at least will take to get

to refinance another five to six months, until that,

so there's a gap of like four months in there.

All the kids don't agree on all the solutions on finances.

- Well, yeah, that's true in any family.

- Yeah.

In the back of my mind, I was worried if we could handle

another major turn financially and emotionally.

- Deed. - My dad's disease

was testing both his strength and ours.

(soft music)

(soft music continues)

- If these scans did show progression,

would we be moving to clinical trials or-

- We'd look to see what are available

and what looks good.

There's one that I-

- There's nothing you can do to go into remission

so you're throwing treatment at it.

When it stops working you throw a different treatment at it.

And there's no getting off treatment at any point.

You go as long as your body can hold up.

(helicopter blades whirring)

I spent 2005 in Fallujah.

I was so young at the time that I felt invincible

and never thought much of the fact

that Fallujah had a large burn pit.

There was black smoke all over the place all the time.

And water bottles that they would bring in

they would leave them on pallets in the sun

so the BPA could leach into the water

and we would drink that.

Now we know such things can cause cancer.

When we talk about hidden wounds,

we're often talking about mental health conditions

or brain injuries.

But maybe you leave with an exposure

that's gonna cause an autoimmune disorder down the road.

My original doctor strongly believed

that it was an exposure-related cancer.

It was so aggressive and it was rare

and I had no genetic markers, so it was weird that I had it.

I actually submitted a claim asking them

to consider that a service-related condition

because Matthew and Shane would get survivor's benefits

after I die.

But that claim got denied, the appeal got denied.

The only other woman I was stationed with in Iraq

has the exact same type of rare

and aggressive breast cancer so, to me, it makes sense.

I feel like I know where it came from.

(fire crackling)

- And your husband's doing okay?

- He had a little freakout recently.

He is really worried about finances

and logistics in the after.

You know, because going from dual income

to one income makes all that hard.

But he's managing and doing well.

- Gotcha. - I can't get him

to go to counseling though. - I was just gonna ask.

- Yeah, I've sent him once.

- [Doctor] (indistinct) has excellent options.

- I've sent him once and he came back

with pamphlets for me instead of

a counseling session for him.

Yeah, but I'm working on it. (soft music)

- We got a switch upgrade at the same time

as this for c1Secure and C1.Web.

I do IT project management for the government.

I wish there was a way for me to be paid

what I'm being paid right now and just stay home.

I'm not ready financially to be able to take over for this.

Everything was structured where basically Kate

was the primary breadwinner and I was secondary.

We have rocking chairs because

we always talked about growing old

and being able to see our kids and our grandkids

being able to play out in the front law after

a knockout career.

I'm not ready.

I'm not ready to be a single parent.

I don't know where to go from that point in time.

We have chemo Thursday, chemo Thursday,

and then I'm supposed to be in Richmond to work on the book.

I'll go straight to Virginia Cancer Specialist

to do my labs and then come home, hopefully,

in time to pick up Matthew.

- We need to make sure that this date in particular

you've got some kind of rest 'cause this is a lot.

- But then, we move into February and stuff slows down.

- That looks like an empty calendar.

- Yeah, we've got- - Are you okay?

Are you gonna live?

You have an empty calendar for February

and it's already in January. - We have basketball.

- Oh.

- We have Matthew's basketball.

- Okay. Oh, yeah.

- I have to apply for Matthew's benefits.

We gotta get that squared away.

We've gotta have the meeting with mom and dad

about the wills and the powers of attorney.

- Mm-hmm. - And then, the next day

is crazy.

It's gonna be absolutely nuts.

That night I've gotta go do the brain MRI

and I need somebody to drive me to that.

- Okay. - So whoever.

- The brain MRI is for? That's new to me.

- Yeah. Oh, maybe I didn't tell you about it.

Sorry, yeah, they're doing a brain MRI.

- Why? - Just to check.

I haven't had one in two years.

I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you about that.

- It's okay. - Not really a big deal.

I definitely downplay things with Shane

because he gets extremely worried and extremely scared.

There was a night where we thought the cancer

had spread to my liver.

We were scared.

And I walked into my bedroom and I saw him on his knees,

on the floor crying and it just it was like

a punch to the stomach.

Even as we struggled with new jobs

and we struggled with each other,

you couldn't have paid me to see that there was a problem.

And you could never have paid me to ask for help.

Come on.

(bird squawks)

You're gonna play at Shawn and Hadley's

and then you're gonna go play at Max and Lexi's.

Does that sound fun?

- Kate moving to another state next door

to her brother for help, me traveling across the country.

Distance was not gonna stop us and we showed that.

- Hi. - Hi.

(both laughing)

Is Matthew good to play for a couple hours?

- Of course. - Thank you, Lynn.

I'll see you later today. - Yeah. We'll be here.

- Okay. - All right.

- All right. Bye, hon.

- She doesn't want to show that she's in pain,

so a lot of times we don't know.

Everything's good, everything's fine.

And she's always been the leader of our family.

You just try to take the front from her.

Just kinda give her that feeling that she doesn't have

to ask for help.

We're just there for her.

- Okay, happy birthday. - Hi, happy birthday.

- Happy birthday, Shane. (group chattering)

- Oh, no. - Oh, no.

- Too many coats. - Look what you did, Joe.

- Look at what she's-

- All right, so it's always me.

- No, we're doing it.

- It was my coat that broke it.

* Happy birthday dear Shane

* Happy birthday to you

- [Group] Yay! - Yay!

- In Charleston, we basically knew no one here.

(family chattering)

They didn't miss a beat.

Every single body in this neighborhood ended up embracing us

and accepting us. (children chattering)

- It is about Kate, but it's also about Shane.

He needs support too.

We just have to remember that's going through

his own journey with this as well.

(children chattering)

- Wait, what? Show me that. (children chattering)

- I'm watching you.

- Nobody wants to think about what your kid's life

will be like without you, so I think it's really important

for us to let her know we're gonna be here.

We're not going anywhere.

We're gonna carry on and do what you would do.

- We need the village.

Right now we have the village. (group chattering)

- One, two, three. I had fun. - You're too heavy.

- I want Matthew to have everything.

- Two, three. - High-five.

I want him to have a beautiful childhood,

a stable childhood. (Kate speaks indistinctly)

Hey, Jack. Good morning. - Here.

- I wish I could be there for all of it.

(person speaks indistinctly)

It was like I was ...

I don't know when he's gonna lose his mom and I just,

I hope it's at an age where he understands

that I'm not leaving him.

I love him and I will always watch over him.

He's my world. Those boys are my world.

And I would do anything for them.

And so, to be letting them down like this is so hard.

- There they are. - There's Max and Matthew.

Looked, but he won't wave.

You know me. You know me. - Max is smiling.

- I just hope he knows that I loved him

with everything I had and I will do whatever it takes

to stay with him as long as I can.

(country music)

- I think mom wants a cookie. - David?

- Mom does want a cookie very badly.

- [Dave] Dad wants ...

* I'm won't rise above the (indistinct) *

* I wanna be ready

* Not blind or afraid

- See how he looks really wet right now?

But he's gonna dry off and then he's gonna be fluffy,

but he'll get there.

- [Amy] Well, his precious little heart.

- Smaug. - Come here, Smaug.

These are Angus.

And produce a lot of meat. - And milk?

- Nope. - No.

- See this girl down here?

That's a Guernsey.

She produces between two and four gallons a day.

- Here at the last state fair- - Do people pass out on me?

- Maybe, but not us. We'll be fine.

- Have fun. - Bye.

- Vertigo! - Whoo! All the way up!

- [Luke] Whoo! (Dave screams indistinctly)

- All right, buddy. (Luke and Dave scream)

Let me look in here.

Are there any sunglasses in there? Thanks.

These are the big old ones. (car engines rumbling)

- [Luke] It wasn't really the bomb that made me

have posttraumatic stress, buddy.

It was all the guys I had to bury.

- That? - I had a lot of soldiers die

under my command, buddy. - And it was so ...

- And it's hard knowing that- - It's so hard on you that-

- [Luke] decisions you made maybe caused guys to die.

- [Dave] It was so hard on you that

it gave you posttraumatic stress?

- [Luke] That and continued exposure to combat over

and for many, many, many days on end.

I had explored my trauma- - Is that it?

- [Luke] pretty intensely already. Yeah.

Like, the events of trauma that I've had.

You good?

But what I hadn't explored was the moral injury

that I continue to feel as an officer.

That burden that I have to carry.

I'm 10 years removed from combat

and there's not a week that goes by

that I'm not back in that desert

and a gun fight in my nightmares to my dreams.

(soft music)

We were in a sector of Afghanistan in the summer of 2009

that was the most deadly place on Earth to be.

And we started to address, all right,

we have a Cholera outbreak in these villages.

We were gonna out and inoculate a bunch of people.

I was staying back 'cause my job as the executor officer

is to run logistics.

On their way back from this village,

my company commander's vehicle was blown up.

He was killed, his driver was killed.

The battalion physician assistant was killed.

The battalion senior medical NCOIC was killed.

And that just spurred a cycle of we went hunting

for a week and a half. (helicopter blades whir)

My battalion was pretty much

in continuous combat operations.

We were fighting our way through, so ...

- Time to grieve? - No.

- 'Cause you take the grief and you just buried it.

And you replaced it with anger, you replaced it with rage.

- I mean, not at the time. - How do you deal with that?

- No, I wouldn't have ever identified that before now.

(dog yelps)

I think he was very careful about not sharing

or burdening me, he would probably say,

with his combat experience and the things that happened.

I found a picture the other day of a knife

and it's inscribed.

So I asked him like, "What is this?"

"Oh, well, I was gonna give that to my interpreter."

Okay. Oh, okay, well why didn't you?

"Oh, well, he was killed."

I had no idea, right?

No idea that that had even happened.

How can I help him if I don't know?

On the flip side, that's not my job to carry that.

Come on, dogs.

- This is a bad week for me just because the dates.

- Hi. - Hi.

- How many people come back from deployment

and they're 19, 20 years old?

We're kids. I was a couple years out of college.

With perspective, I now look back at that

and realize that compassion, empathy, love, grief,

those were things that I needed to express and share

with other soldiers, but those were things that I didn't.

(Luke sings indistinctly)

Oh, how our hearts beat high with joy whenever

we hear that glorious word.

- His sacred space is combat issues or the trauma

that happened at deployment.

My sacred space is having attended these memorial services

back home and sit four rows behind the widow.

I mean, that changed me.

I had a little baby, you know?

Luke 2.0 who was at risk of not having a dad come home.

I didn't wanna know how close I was to being

the person who got the knock on the door.

(soft music)

(thunderous blasts)

Darling, I am really behind in correspondence.

I'll make more of an effort, I promise.

You know whenever I miss you, I get out your love letters

to me and read them.

I can hear your voice when I do and it makes me feel

that you are right here next to me.

Finally, my mind, I will forever have the images

that are seared there.

I will forever see Graham happy and quiet.

The last person to look at him alive.

I will forever remember what seemed like an eternity

to get his body armor off, the weight of his body,

as I carried him to the top of the Stryker

where I gave him CPR till I was exhausted

and unable to go and the feeling that I had

of taking a pulse and not getting a heartbeat.

He is light in my life, if only for a short time,

but a light nonetheless.

That is what all soldiers are.

A light that shines and then goes out.

Sorry. So I'm shining for a long time.

Others, only for moments.

I prayed that the light of my life would not be my own.

I love you, darling. Luke.

Sorry.

(birds chirping)

I remember getting that email and being like,

"I don't wanna know this.

Why are you telling me this?

Stop." Right?

I would say where I am today,

you know can't speak for tomorrow (laughs) where I am today

is that I am okay knowing what I know and I don't need

to know any more, nor do I regret knowing what I know.

(waves crashing)

- As journalists, it's in our muscle set

to digest events quickly,

to understand the emotions behind the story,

and then get it out in a way that helps people.

And I think as a caregiver, that has helped me

to move down the road faster.

Dive in, figure out what needs to be done.

The flip side is sometimes we forget to stop and check

our own physical and mental health.

And I know it's taken a toll.

How's it going? This is my dad.

- This your dad? - Yeah.

All right, fella, here we go. (paramedics chattering)

Are you here for a Stephen Lui?

We just need an ambulance to transport him to Kaiser.

- [Richard] So his breath rate, basically.

- Okay. - 36 breaths per minute.

It's pretty consistent. - Okay.

Heart rate 140, 150.

We've had scares like this so many times.

And the injury to you doubles and triples

and it's a fact.

- [Paramedic] Worried about your breathing.

- [Richard] Each time, we have to be his voice.

What's up, buddy?

(Richard speaks indistinctly)

- [Paramedic] You're fighting hard.

You got some fight in you.

- [Kristen] Everything you can do, you do.

Our dad, that fighter, he hasn't given up.

- [Richard] A long trip, kiddo.

Six blocks. - Yes.

- If you can hear me, Baba, blink once.

If you recognize me, blink once.

Oh, you still recognize me. Little old me, huh?

One. Nice, you're still stretchy.

Two.

At some point, his brain is going to forget

how to regulate his heartbeat and slowly he'll forget

how to even breathe.

It's like watching somebody die in front of you

and you can't do anything.

The biggest trouble I have is does he wanna go?

But he's still in there and he's still enjoying us.

One more. It's more difficult.

(soft music)

Very good Sunday to you.

Some of the stories that we are watching for you.

As of this weekend, new COVID cases increased

by roughly 70% since a week ago

while hospitalizations increased by over 35%.

States like California and Florida and those who are not ...

COVID isolation took a toll.

Mom was left all alone.

Now as we did for my father,

we monitor my mom using cloud cameras.

It's quite comforting to be with her remotely

until something happens.

I wish I could do more.

You had to register? - Yeah.

- All right.

I don't always know how to feel about all this.

Oh, you first.

- Oh, there he is!

You're awake. Hi.

- For more than a year, I've had to visit

my dad standing outside a window

and he's laying down inside completely unaware

of what was happening all around him,

including mom falling.

This is the first time, in fact, we've been able

to visit him inside in over a year.

What's up, fella? - Hi, Baba.

- Thank you, Kathy. - Okay.

Look how alert is your father. (Kristen laughs)

- Hi, Baba. Oh.

He loves this more than anything, right? Still.

- Well, remember- - Oh, hi.

Are you scanning us? - Yeah.

- I love you, Baba. - Look at your eyes.

- Yes. Oh, almost.

- [Richard] I hope it didn't get stuck up there.

- Yeah. - Look at this.

Not a single wrinkle. - I know.

- Unlike me. - And eternal tan.

- [Richard] And eternal tan, yeah.

- [Kristen] Look, it's like lulling him to sleep.

- [Richard] My dad just turned 88

and he's still trucking along.

He made it through the pandemic not getting sick.

I mean, the guy's hanging on longer than we thought.

Good to see you. (Stephen groans)

- He's trying to talk to you. - I understand, Baba.

(Stephen groans softly)

But it's clear there's been a shift.

- [Kristen] I miss you.

I have to go. (Kristen sobs)

- [Richard] See you later, fella.

Be nice to everybody. (somber music)

(Kristen sobs)

- [Kristen] Hits a little harder this time.

- [Richard] It's okay. (Kristen sobs)

(waves crashing)

My dad passed away six months later.

But I think he let go when he was truly ready.

(soft music)

And I got to be there to help him through all of it.

(soft music continues)

- How are you doing today? - Great.

- Yeah, it's right back here.

- [Ultrasound Tech] So basically with this

we're checking the valves inside

the heart to make sure it's still squeezing properly.

- [Kate] And all the chemo hasn't

done something crazy to it? - Right.

Yeah, you wanna make sure there's no,

you know, extensive damage to the heart wall.

- [Kate] We're still doing workups to see if I get accepted

into the trial. - Gotcha.

- [Kate] I'm really hopeful about it though.

The drug is pretty promising. - Oh, that's really good.

- [Kate] Better than just throwing chemo at the problem.

My fifth line of treatment just failed

a couple of months ago and I saw progression

in my liver and in my skeletal system.

When it gets into your soft organs

you're worried about going into some kind of organ failure.

You know, you wouldn't think it's great

to get diagnosed with cancer when you're younger,

but, like, my liver's hung in there,

my heart has hung in there, so ...

- How old were you when you

were first diagnosed? - 38.

- Oh, wow, I mean, it's amazing that you're,

you know, kind of, I mean, you're attitude and everything.

It's just like it's- - Well, I've got a little boy,

so I think if it were just me,

I don't think I would do as much treatment

as I've done. - Mm-hmm.

- [Kate] But I wanna be around for him.

(birds chirping) (soft music)

- Oh, good..

Did you see Byron? - Yeah.

- [Kate] Nice job. You get a chore sticker.

- [Shane] Poom, poom, poom, poom, poom, poom, poom, poom

I've been working from home for well over a year

and almost three months now.

(laughs) There's one option.

COVID has helped us be able to spend more time together

that we had actually not really had

even right after Matthew was born.

- Thank you.

- We had 2020 be our year of kind of putting

our family bond above everything else.

* Good morning, good morning

* How are you this morning

* Good morning, good morning to you *

- [Kate] 2020 was a hard year.

I went through three different treatments

that didn't work out so well.

There was a period of time where I was on a drug

that was making me very sick

and it started causing lung problems.

I need your help.

I couldn't walk from my kitchen table

to my microwave without getting short of breath.

It was a really scary time and I didn't know,

I didn't know if I was gonna come out of that.

I felt for the first time that things were a little bit

out of control.

I was losing the battle.

Oh, you already got that. (Shane laughs)

And I had to really on Shane a lot more.

I'm so aware of my surroundings.

Daddy already helped me out with something

and I didn't even see it. - Classic.

- Classic. You're classic.

When I was in bed sick for over a month,

he ran the show and he was able to step up

and realize that even if he had to work full time,

parent full time, handle the running of the house,

without any help, he was actually able to do it.

- We're leaving in 11 minutes. - All right.

- I'm a control freak. I like to do things.

And for a long time, you know, I felt worried

that he was gonna be able to do everything

as I would've done it.

And I don't have that fear anymore.

- Love you. - Love you too.

(birds chirping)

- [Shane] So the last time you had a liver biopsy

it was really rough on you.

Do I need to help you get to that appointment?

- I should be okay to just go get labs drawn.

- Maybe we not try and be Marine on this one

and let's just-

- Do you wanna be off work another day?

- Who doesn't wanna be off work?

I have been paralyzed throughout this journey before

and felt like I couldn't act,

I couldn't do anything, I couldn't think of myself at all.

2019 was a scarcity mentality.

It was what am I losing, when am I losing it,

and being so anxious and worried that it was all consuming.

2021 Shane understands that I can't worry myself into

a place where I can't function.

Fun times. - It will be.

- [Shane] Basically, we just enjoy Shenandoah

to the fullest extent. - Mm-hmm.

- [Shane] Prior to the next treatment sprint.

- Yup. - Why don't you (laughs) ...

- But, luckily I- - So two years ago,

I was hopeful that the family had maybe six or 10 years.

Yes, yeah, good girl. You are a good girl.

Now I assume the clock is a lot shorter.

You listen.

I really wanna take advantage of this summer.

I wanna travel. - Thank you.

- [Kate] I feel good right now.

I want us to treat this summer like it might be

our last one. (children chattering)

Matthew is almost seven.

He's asking more questions. (children chattering)

He said to me recently, he put his hands on the table,

like a little adult and he said,

"I'm gonna try to say this without crying

but, Mom, when you die I'm gonna cry so, so hard.

It will be awful." - One, two?

- Yeah, I'm gonna take him with me.

- That's all I wanted to wish for.

My mom having no cancer and not being tired.

(soft music)

- Sorry, buddy. Did you have a hard day?

What was it a hard day for?

You feeling tired? - You see where your mask is?

- Are you just feeling sad? - Yes, they have two years.

- [Kate] I mean, he knows.

He knows that something's not good.

One blessing about a longterm terminal illness

is that you get to wrap your head around it

and your family gets to do the same thing.

I mean, what's normal in our family

is that mom is dying and I wanna do it with grace

and I wanna do it, like, thoughtful about the feelings

of the people around me.

Making sure that I'm calm about what's happening

so I can help everybody around me be calm too.

(soft music)

Jersey. - Thanks.

I know that when that time period comes I'm gonna break.

I'm gonna break hard.

That's the time for me and Matthew to walk through,

walk through those gates until we're able to turn the page

to open the next chapter. (soft music)

But I'm gonna let that come when it comes

rather than break now and diminish the time period

that we have left.

I'd rather fall deeper in love because you only get

one of these in a lifetime. (soft music)

- I moved up here with my family in 2016

to kind of find some peace after being

a Army ranger for 11 years.

Wears on you a little bit and I found that

in the outdoors.

Peer relationships, supporting each other,

getting in the outdoors, that's how you heal.

We take Veterans into the back country.

A lot of these folks that come out

they aren't seeking actively to get treatment

for physical or social or psychological ailments.

And literally, that peer relationship is the only therapy

or treatment that they're taking at the time.

- So I think the second drug crisis

that we have in America is the overprescribing

of psychotropic drugs.

What we're finding is what is solving our problems

is putting 35 pounds on your back

and going and walking through the mountain

for a couple days.

We're trying to be on the ground level

of developing the evidence that proves

the efficacy of these treatment modalities.

So cool. Glad you're here. (group laugh)

- This is a common human experience.

This is not something that we should hide,

that we should be afraid of, that we should not address.

(soft music)

So this is my PC from Afghanistan.

I will not ever get rid of it 'cause it fits me perfect.

This is a gift from my interpreter, Barack.

Of course, I have an Afghan flag in here.

It got banged up.

I look back on a lot of the losses that we suffered.

I still honor and think about those men every day.

But the shame that

I used to carry with that, a lot of it's gone.

Sharing your pain is scary 'cause it's vulnerable.

Courage is being okay with that vulnerability.

(soft music)

* Happy birthday to you

* Happy birthday to you

* Happy birthday dear, dad, yay *

* Happy birthday to you

- Don't blow it yet, I gotta take a picture.

Hon, hon, hon, I gotta get the moment.

I gotta get the moment.

Okay, all right, go. - What did you wish for?

What did you wish for? - Got right in my face.

- Did you get smoked? - Yes.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - What did you wish for?

- Here. - What did I wish for?

- Nothing.

- A grounded and peaceful year.

- Okay.

I'm proud of the way that we have been able

to communicate with them about this

and that we've been so intentional about it.

- Like, if we're all feeling stressed out

and we need a little break to think-

- Oh, you put shorts.

- we count to 10 and we think it through.

- When I was a kid, I memorized that whole book.

- You memorized, "Dreams"? - Mm-hmm.

- And then, it was like okay.

Let's talk about this and we'll talk about this

and we'll talk about this. - A goal is just to slow down

a bit to allow your system to relax.

Breathe in, taking air deep into your belly.

Think the number one.

Now exhale all of the air and think the word "relax."

- This is the perspective of the time

and knowing yourself more.

I am in a place where you realize that the hurt goes away

the more you look at it.

Things hurt more when you keep 'em in a box

and you never deal with it.

You gonna make SPG block appointment?

- I need to. - Okay.

- You got a headache right now?

- Yeah. - Aww.

You want me to put some oil you?

Yeah, put some oil on. Poor, baby.

Having to confront that and get to a place

where you can talk about that is really rewarding.

- Everybody in the bed. - My bed wasn't-

- Look, you got blankies all over the place.

What is going on here? - I don't know why.

I woke up last night- - The only thing that kept me

from taking my life-

- [Child] Everybody else in this world (indistinct) I pray.

- Amen.

The reason that I can carry on is not because of duty,

honor or country.

It's because of family, community, and love.

- Amen. (indistinct) (soft music)

(group chattering)

- [Richard] After my dad passed,

it's not like we thought everything

was gonna be magically done,

but we didn't expect mom to decline so fast.

It's tough and I'm learning that it's okay

to not feel okay and that I have to keep on asking,

while I care for her ...

So we'll just have leftovers, Mom.

Am I okay? What do you think of the bars?

They're at the same height as this too.

- [Kristen] Yeah, all the aunties were impressed

by how well she maneuvered that.

- [Richard] Where do you wanna sit to eat, Mom?

Wanna sit at the end here? - Yeah, so Mom almost escaped

to the garage.

- Is that correct?

- No, I only left her alone, like-

- You make a run for it? - I only left her alone

five minutes today. - The front window.

- Right now, we are literally on a 24/7 schedule.

She had two ears of corn.

So obviously, she got up and came back.

And the walker was right where it was.

- You had two ears of corn? - I didn't eat two.

She caught at the first half.

- My oldest brothers are local,

so they both come here on shifts.

So if there's not a caregiver or when my brother's here,

Richard and I are monitoring her on the Nest.

- Mom, it's working. - Well, I don't need-

- She doesn't have OCD or anything.

It's been really, really hard with our mom for me.

- That's what I thought. - And it happened so fast.

My parents are perfect, like, in my head, you know?

There's parts of me that just I don't wanna let go.

(soft music)

- [Richard] They were never lovey-dovey.

They were not like, you know, sneaking kisses

in the hallway or anything like that.

- I'll see you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

- [Richard] But to see the way she took care of him.

- Tomorrow. - After all the years

I watched the two of them, it's almost as though

my mom learned how to fall in love with him again.

- This is your special day.

("Happy Birthday")

* Birthday to you

* Happy birthday, dear baba

I don't think she would've found that out without going

through this journey, which has been so difficult,

and which she has given so much of herself.

I know that he would have loved to be able

to be here now to care for her.

As difficult as everything has been

and what we've had to go through,

I think his soul will say, "This was great for the family."

We shared the exhaustion, we shared the joy,

we shared the pain, and we shared the rewards together.

It was tough, but we all got better somehow.

(soft music)

You like that?

Whoo-wee. Feels good, huh? (nurses chattering)

* Break from Broken by Jay Allen *