Original subtitles

( rock music playing )

( school bell rings )

( laughter )

GOTCHA.

( laughter and squealing )

HEY!

THERE YOU GO!

OH, FUCK.

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

HMM.

FUCK, FUCK.

ANYBODY NEED ANYTHING...

LOOFAHED?

( laughter )

YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SANTA

CLAUS.

( laughter )

YOU WANT IT?

YOU WANT IT?

MAMA.

OOH, YEAH.

YEAH!

( laughs )

AGH!

MOM?

PEE WEE!

WILL YOU STOP JERKING OFF?

( screams )

JESUS, PEE WEE, GIVE IT A

REST.

I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO ASK WHY

YOU SAID, "MOM."

DON'T YOU EVER KNOCK?

NO, I DON'T.

YOU'VE BEEN HOME FROM COLLEGE

FOR TWO WEEKS AND YOU HAVEN'T

DONE A DAMN THING BUT JERK OFF.

YOU'RE TO BE AT YOUR UNCLE'S BY

NOON.

OH, THAT'S GOOD.

THAT FEEL GOOD?

( sighs )

HERE'S TO ANOTHER SUMMER,

TOMMY.

HEY!

YO, PEE WEE.

HOW'S IT HANGING, KID?

BARELY.

FUCK YOU.

WHAT'S WRONG, PEE WEE?

IT'S MY MOM.

SHE'S HASSLING ME TO GET A JOB

EVEN THOUGH I'M ALREADY

HOUSE-SITTING FOR MY UNCLE

HOWARD, BUT SHE SAYS THAT

DOESN'T COUNT.

ISN'T YOUR UNCLE HOWARD THE

ONE WITH THE PLACE ON ANGEL

BEACH?

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

IT'S WORTH A TRY.

BESIDES, THERE'S NO GIRLS

ANYWHERE.

WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYBODY?

WELL, I HEARD WENDY WENT TO

ITALY FOR THE SUMMER WITH THE

NEW BOYFRIEND.

GOD, I'M GONNA MISS THOSE

TATERS.

THANKS, TOMMY, RUB IT IN, WHY

DON'T YOU, HUH?

SORRY.

WELL, YOU KNOW, PEE WEE,

MAYBE IF YOUR DICK WAS BIGGER,

SHE WOULD'VE HUNG AROUND.

I MEAN, SHE GAVE A HELL OF A

BLOW JOB.

SWALLOWER.

OH, AND SHE LOVED ANAL.

VERY GENEROUS.

SHE HAD A MONSTER BUTTHOLE.

OKAY, I GET IT.

THANKS.

HEY, UNCLE HOWARD.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, PEE WEE.

KEEP THOSE DICK BEATERS AWAY

FROM ME.

YOUR MOM SAID SHE CAUGHT YOU

JERKING IT THIS MORNING.

OH, SORRY.

LISTEN, PEE WEE, I'M REALLY GLAD

YOU'LL BE HERE KEEPING AN EYE ON

MY THINGS WHILE I'M GONE INSTEAD

OF SOME STRANGER.

NOW THAT IS $1,000.

THAT'S FOR WATCHING MY PLACE.

I WANTED YOU TO HAVE IT IN

ADVANCE.

THANKS, UNCLE HOWARD.

TAKE CARE OF MY PLACE, PEE

WEE.

YOU GOT NOTHING TO WORRY

ABOUT.

YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.

I KNOW.

I KNOW.

( inhales deeply )

THANK YOU.

( grunts )

WELL, THIS DAY REALLY SUCKED

DICK, BOYS.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS SERIOUS NOW.

I NEED TO GET LAID.

IT'S BEEN LIKE TWO YEARS.

IT'S THE LONGEST I'VE EVER GONE

WITHOUT IT.

BESIDES THAT 17-YEAR STINT

YOU HAD BEFORE YOU HAD THAT

ONE-NIGHT STAND WITH WENDY?

( sighs )

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M SUCH A LOSER.

HEY, ONLY WHEN COMPARED TO

OTHER GUYS.

CHEER UP, BABE, THERE'S ALWAYS

PORKY'S.

PORKY'S?

THAT'S A MOB JOINT.

ANYONE WHO MESSES WITH PORKY

GETS SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP.

COME ON, PEE WEE, DON'T BE

SUCH A WORRYWART.

THEY GOT A WHOLE NEW SETUP OVER

THERE, NEW MANAGER, NEW GIRLS,

NEW EVERYTHING.

I EVEN HEAR THEY GOT PORN STARS

NOW.

( chuckles )

PORN.

I DON'T KNOW, TOMMY.

ARE YOU EVEN CONSIDERING

MEAT'S FEELINGS HERE?

YEAH, WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

YOU'VE GOT A COCK THE SIZE OF A

SLEDGEHAMMER, AND YOU'RE LEAVING

FOR THE NAVY AT THE END OF THE

SUMMER.

THAT'S PRACTICALLY A LICENSE FOR

PUSSY.

BULLSHIT!

I HAVEN'T BEEN LAID SINCE WENDY

EITHER, OKAY?

LOOK, I'M HORNY AS HELL, AND I'M

NOT TOO PROUD TO DRIVE ALL THE

WAY OUT TO BUMFUCK TO PAY FOR

IT.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK, PEE

WEE?

GIVE ME PUSSY OR GIVE ME

DEATH.

( engine revs )

( laughs )

LET'S GO!

LET'S GO, BOYS.

PEE WEE JUST BLEW HIS WAD.

WAIT UP, TWINKLE TOES.

OH, MY GOD.

TINA TOPPERS IS HERE?

WOW, I'VE SEEN ALL HER

MOVIES.

THAT'S RIGHT, GUEST STAR

PUSSY, AND IT'S ALL FOR SALE, MY

FRIEND.

ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS NAME YOUR

PRICE.

THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, TOMMY.

I KNOW, BUDDY.

I KNOW.

LET'S GET DINNER, BOYS.

ALL RIGHT!

COME ON, BOYS!

( rock music playing, indistinct

conversations )

THANK YOU FOR THE BOUNTY I'M

ABOUT TO RECEIVE.

( zipper unzips )

( guttural grunting )

( man squeals )

( slapping continues )

GO ON BACK.

YEAH, THANKS.

( giggles )

BUMMER, THE LINE FOR TINA

TOPPERS IS WAY LONG.

OH, I BET IT'S WORTH IT,

THOUGH.

( moans )

THANKS, YOU'RE VERY NICE.

NOT FOR ME.

ALL RIGHT, BOYS, LET'S GET SOME

DRINKS.

BARTENDER, ROUND OF BEERS FOR ME

AND MY BOYS, PLEASE.

36.

PEE?

I DON'T KNOW WHY I EVEN

MENTIONED THE MONEY.

BUT YOU DID.

HEY, WANNA PARTY?

NO, REALLY, I'M GOOD.

YOU'RE CUTE, THOUGH.

WHATEVER.

TIP INCLUDED.

CHEERS.

HEY, DAD.

HEY, BABY, HOW'S SCHOOL?

GETTING As.

THAT'S GREAT.

YOU KNOW, I WAS TALKING TO

TINA LAST NIGHT.

THIS PLACE COULD BE SUCH A GOLD

MINE.

SHELLY, THIS IS THE BEST

HUMP AND DUMP WEST OF THE

MISSISSIPPI.

I MEAN, THIS IS A MAN'S

BUSINESS, BABY.

TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT A GUY

WANTS.

NOT AS MUCH AS TINA DOES.

YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME YOU TALK

TO THAT TINSELTOWN TWAT--

SHE'S ONE OF THE BIGGEST

NAMES IN ADULT ENTERTAINMENT.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SAID--

TINSELTOWN TWAT.

AND SHE'S GETTING HER PhD IN

SEXUAL STUDIES.

SHE'S NO IDIOT.

SHE COULD BE THE NEXT DR. RUTH.

RIGHT, DR. ROOT ME SIX WAYS

FROM SUNDOWN.

HEY, DAD, YOU SHOULD BE

LISTENING TO HER.

SHE'S A LOT SMARTER THAN YOU

THINK.

WHY?

WHY?

PLEASE, THIS PLACE IS A DUMP.

YOU NEED TO UPSCALE.

WORK CONDITIONS ARE TERRIBLE--

LONG HOURS, LOUSY PAY, NO

HEALTH CARE.

SINCE YOU TOOK OVER, DAD, STAFF

TURNOVER HAS NEARLY DOUBLED FROM

WHEN UNCLE CYRUS HAD THE PLACE.

PLEASE, DON'T MENTION THAT

DUMBASS'S NAME.

HE ALMOST RUINED THE JOINT.

YOU'RE GOING TO DO THE SAME

THING IF YOU DON'T MAKE SOME

CHANGES.

SO I WROTE YOU UP A NEW BUSINESS

PLAN.

TAKE A LOOK.

OH, SHELLY, I'M SWAMPED HERE.

YEAH, I'LL-- I'LL LOOK AT IT.

WHEN I HAVE TIME, I WILL, I

PROMISE.

( rock music continues )

GET SOME HELP?

GENTLEMEN!

LET ME INTEREST YOU IN OUR

WORLD-FAMOUS PORKETTES.

( women giggling )

COME ON, GIRLS, IT'S

SHOWTIME.

ALL THE WAY FROM PITTSBURGH,

WE GOT LEAH.

LEAH LOST HER SENSE OF TASTE AND

SMELL IN A SMALL FIRE, SO DON'T

BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR A LITTLE

A.T.M.

SHE GOT THE MOUTH.

UH-HUH.

NEXT WE HAVE CRYSTAL ALL THE WAY

FROM ATLANTA.

CRYSTAL PREFERS TO USE THE BACK

DOOR.

( squeals )

WHAT CAN I SAY?

SHE'S CATHOLIC.

NEXT WE HAVE JENNY.

JENNY'S A SWEET THING FROM

OKLAHOMA.

SHE LOOKS YOUNG, DOESN'T SHE?

DENTURES.

OUT, EASY ACCESS.

THEN WE HAVE BRENDA.

BRENDA'S A LOCAL GIRL, HOT,

CORN-FED, AND READY FOR A

THREE-HOLE PUNCH.

I'LL SUCK THAT DICK, BABY!

THREE?

I WANT THOSE TWO.

HOW ABOUT YOU, BIG BOY?

YOU MADE YOUR SELECTION?

SHE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL

GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN.

TONIGHT.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

NO, I'M GOOD, GOT LAID

YESTERDAY MORNING.

DAD'S CLEANING LADY, SHE GOT A

THING FOR ME.

DUDE, SHE'S LIKE 60.

SHE'S 58, TIGHT AS A DRUM,

AND HOWLS LIKE A BANSHEE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, I'M GOOD.

WHO DO WE PAY?

YOU PAY ME, BOYS.

WELL, WE'D LIKE TO PAY FOR

A LITTLE FUN WITH SOME OF YOUR

GIRLS TONIGHT, IF YOU DON'T

MIND.

OH, YOU BOYS WANNA PARTY WITH

MY GIRLS, HUH?

YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF RICH

ANGEL BEACH PUSSIES TO ME.

YOU'RE HALF RIGHT.

WE'RE NOT RICH.

( chuckles )

THAT'S GONNA BE $250 AN HOUR

FOR EACH OF YOU.

NONE FOR ME, THANKS.

I'LL TAKE TWO.

WELL, ALL RIGHT, LITTLE

BUDDY.

IT'S GONNA BE 750.

YOU GOT THE CASH?

OH, YEAH, YOU KNOW, UM...

KEEP ON COUNTING.

( chuckles )

THERE YOU ARE.

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A

WAD, LADIES.

MY LITTLE MAN!

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY-- LITTLE

MAN, LITTLE DICK.

I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU,

PLAYING AROUND.

THAT'S WHAT WE DO HERE.

IT'S A MEN'S CLUB.

CAN I PLAY WITH THE GIRLS

NOW?

( cash register dings )

WE ONLY HAVE ONE RULE.

DON'T CUM IN OUR EYES, YOU GOT

IT?

MMM.

GOD, YOU'RE SO HOT.

( giggles )

YOU WANT US TO GIVE YOU,

LIKE, THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE?

WE CAN MAKE YOU HOT.

LAY DOWN.

( moaning )

OH, YES.

( kissing )

TAKE THAT BRA OFF.

DEAR LORD, AS YOU KNOW,

ORDINARILY, I'M NOT A PRAYING

MAN.

I MEAN, GOD KNOWS I SHOULD BE,

BUT...

OH, YEAH.

IF YOU COULD SEE YOUR WAY

CLEAR TO LETTING ME LAST LONGER

THAN A MINUTE, I PROMISE I WILL

GO TO CHURCH EVERY S-- OH, MY

GOD.

OH, YEAH, GRAB MY ASS.

I LOVE YOUR ASS.

OH, YEAH.

( grunts )

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT LITTLE

PECKERHEAD THINKS HE'S GONNA

BANG TWO OF MY GIRLS AT ONCE?

LITTLE MAN SAID HE WANTED THE

SECOND GIRL THERE FOR WHEN HE

WORE THE FIRST GIRL OUT.

OH, SHIT.

( both laugh )

THIS SEAT TAKEN?

SAVING IT FOR YOU.

CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?

NO, THANKS.

SO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?

YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.

SORRY, YOU JUST DON'T SEEM

LIKE THE TYPE TO COME TO

PORKY'S.

YOU KIND OF DO.

THANKS A LOT.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

EXCUSE ME.

LADIES, HI.

DON'T YOU THINK I SHOULD BE IN

ON THIS?

LITTLE BIT OF ACTION FOR THE GUY

WITH THE MONEY?

KIND OF DEEP POCKETS OVER HERE,

BIG CLIENT!

BY THE WAY, MY NAME'S MEAT.

I KNOW.

YOUR FATHER USED TO CLEAN OUR

POOL.

HEY, DID HE GAIN SOME WEIGHT?

YEAH.

OH, GOD, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

YEAH.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH

THAT?

LOOK AT ME.

DOES THE TERM "LOG SPLITTER"

MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

OKAY, I'M GONNA HAVE TO MEASURE

IT.

BE MY GUEST.

ALL RIGHT, I'VE GOT THREE

LEVELS, NORMAL, BIG--

AND MEAT.

HELL, NO.

I'M ACTUALLY CHAPERONING

WHILE MY FRIENDS, YOU KNOW, DO

THEIR THING.

ONE OF THEM'S JOINING THE NAVY,

AND WE WANTED TO GIVE HIM A NICE

SEND-OFF.

OH, HOW SWEET OF YOU.

YEAH?

YEAH.

SO HOW'S YOUR SUMMER?

ANY PLANS?

NOT A DAMN THING.

BORED AS HELL.

WELL, MAYBE WE CAN DO

SOMETHING SOMETIME...

TO CURE YOUR BOREDOM.

SMOOTH.

EXCUSE ME?

( both moaning )

HI.

LADIES, CAN I PLEASE--

FUCK OFF!

OH, YEAH.

MMM, YOU KNOW I LOVE THAT

TONGUE.

JACKPOT.

OOH, THANK YOU.

NO.

COME ON, I'M JOINING THE

NAVY.

I MEAN, WHO KNOWS HOW LONG IT'LL

BE.

I DON'T CARE.

I'M NOT A SOCK PUPPET.

BUT MAYBE I COULD PEEL THE

BANANA AND MAKE IT CRY.

HOW ABOUT A BLOW JOB?

OH, YEAH.

OKAY.

BUT I GOT ONE RULE-- DON'T MAKE

ME DEEP THROAT.

YOU GOT IT.

YOU TOUCH MY HEAD, IT'S OVER.

OKAY.

TALK TO THE GLAND, BABY.

TALK TO THE GLAND.

WOW!

THANK YOU.

HEY, DOES IT HURT WHEN YOU

WALK AROUND WITH THIS?

SOMETIMES.

DO YOU GET SPECIAL PANTS FOR

IT?

NO.

I DON'T KNOW, THIS IS GONNA

GIVE ME STRETCH MARKS.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.

( women moaning )

MM, YEAH, I WANT TO GET ON

TOP OF YOU.

EXCUSE ME, LADIES, HI, SORRY

TO BOTHER YOU, BUT IT'S ME

AGAIN, THE GUY WHO PAID FOR

THIS.

UM, I'M GONNA HAVE TO JOIN IN

HERE, OR I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO

JUST TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, ALL

RIGHT?

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LET ME IN.

WONDER WHAT'S TAKING HIM SO

LONG.

I DIDN'T THINK HE'D BE BUT A

MINUTE.

SO WHAT'S A GUY GOT TO DO TO GET

A GIRL'S NUMBER?

WELL, FOR STARTERS, HE'S GOT

TO ASK.

RIGHT.

( phone beeping )

DON'T LOSE IT.

DON'T WORRY.

HE'LL SEE YOU NOW.

THANKS.

NICE TALKING TO YOU.

YOU TOO.

HEY, WOULD YOU WANT TO COME TO A

PARTY THIS WEEKEND?

MAYBE.

CALL ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.

IF YOU CAN'T JOIN THEM, BEAT IT.

( woman moaning )

YEAH, KEEP DOING THAT.

OH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

( both giggling )

IS THAT EVEN A DICK?

THAT IS THE SMALLEST DICK I'VE

EVER SEEN!

OH, MY GOD!

YEAH, BUT IT WORKS EVERY

TIME.

OH!

OH, YEAH!

OH!

OH, DISGUSTING!

MY EYE!

I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!

( both shouting )

OH...

( Pee Wee shouting )

OH, GOD, YOU'RE THE BEST.

( moaning )

( chokes and gags )

OH, BABY, OH, SHIT, I'M

SORRY, I FORGOT.

WHAT THE--

OH, WHAT THE FUCK?

I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH MY

HEAD!

WHAT'D YOU EAT, CHILI?

GROSS, I GOT MORE CUSTOMERS,

ASSHOLE!

ARE WE EVER GOING TO TALK

ABOUT MY BUSINESS PLAN FOR THIS

PLACE?

SHELLY, DO NOT COME IN HERE

STIRRING UP MY GIRLS, TRYING TO

TELL ME HOW TO RUN MY BUSINESS.

YOU ARE NOT A BUSINESSWOMAN.

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

THIS.

YOU GREW UP WITH YOUR MOMMY A

LONG WAY FROM HERE.

( knock on door )

WHAT IS IT?

WE GOT PROBLEMS.

IF IT AIN'T ONE THING, IT'S

ANOTHER.

PORKY, WHERE ARE YOU?!

( all shouting )

HEY, HEY, HEY!

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S IN MY EYE!

I'M BLIND!

I CAN'T GET MY CONTACT OUT!

JEEZ, IS IT WRONG FOR A GUY

TO JERK IT WHILE TWO GIRLS GO AT

IT?

IT IS WHEN YOU CUM IN MY EYE,

YOU SHITHEAD!

SORRY.

THIS NO-DICK CAME IN MY EYE

WITH HIS STUPID BABY BATTER!

AND HE MADE ME BARF.

PORKY, HE'S NOT HUMAN.

IT'S HUGE, IT'S--

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, SHUT

THE FUCK UP, WILL YOU?!

OH, MY GOD!

THESE ARE MY GOOD SHOES!

AGAIN?

HOW MUCH CHILI DID YOU EAT?

THESE ARE MADE FROM THE

FORESKIN OF A RHINOCEROS.

YOU CAN'T GET THESE ANYMORE.

( crowd exclaiming and

shouting )

ALL RIGHT, YOU!

PENCIL DICK, YOU'RE OUT OF HERE!

BUT I DIDN'T GET TO DO

ANYTHING.

YOU BLEW YOUR GOO!

YOU'RE DONE UNLESS YOU WANT TO

PAY FOR ANOTHER ROUND!

EH?

WHAT ABOUT ME?

YOU'RE OUT OF HERE, TOO.

I DIDN'T EVEN CUM!

YEAH, WELL, I CAN'T HELP

THAT.

I WANT ALL OF YOU ANGEL BEACH

PUSSIES OUT OF HERE.

LISTEN, SIR--

YOU, TOO, ASSWIPE.

YOU'RE FREAKING OUT MY GIRLS!

NOW GET OUT!

WHAT ABOUT MY 750?

YOU PAID TO GET YOUR ROCKS

OFF.

YOU DID, NOW GET THE FUCK OUTTA

HERE!

( all shouting )

( door slams )

WELL, THAT WAS REALLY FUN.

YOU TWO CAMEL TOES CAN'T EVEN

GET LAID IN A WHOREHOUSE.

SHUT UP, TOMMY.

I GOT CHILI IN MY UNDERWEAR.

AND THAT MIGHT'VE BEEN THE LAST

TIME I GET LAID BEFORE I SHIP

OUT!

UH, HEY, DOUCHEBAGS, I DON'T

KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS ARE

COMPLAINING ABOUT BECAUSE I PAID

FOR IT, ALL RIGHT?

I JUST PAID 750 BUCKS TO JACK

OFF.

SHIT, I DID THAT ON THE WAY OVER

HERE.

NICE WORK.

THANK YOU.

LOOK, FELLAS, I THINK WE NEED

A NEW GAME PLAN HERE.

HOW ABOUT WE ALL REGROUP AT YOUR

UNCLE'S PLACE TOMORROW, YEAH?

YEAH.

OKAY.

( knock on door )

WHO IS IT?

TINA?

WE GOTTA TALK.

WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR

PROBLEM?

LISTEN, YOU'VE GOT ME BOOKED

17 TIMES TONIGHT.

IT'S A SLOW NIGHT.

CUTE.

YOU KNOW, HOW CAN YOU ASK ME TO

PERFORM THAT MANY TIMES IN ONE

NIGHT AND EXPECT THE SAME LEVEL

OF QUALITY EVERY TIME?

QUALITY?

WHO THE FUCK SAID ANYTHING ABOUT

QUALITY?

GUYS JUST WANT TO SHOOT THEIR

WAD, IN AND OUT.

IT'S SIMPLE.

MAYBE FOR YOU IT IS.

I'M NOT ASKING YOU.

I'M TELLING YOU.

WE GOT A CONTRACT, REMEMBER?

I KNOW.

AND WE ALSO HAVE AN AGREEMENT

THAT YOU LET ME DO THINGS MY

WAY, BUT ALL YOU WANT IS A FUCK

FACTORY.

YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT MY CUSTOMERS

TO THINK ABOUT, NOT TO MENTION

MY THESIS.

LOOK, MORE FUCKING EQUALS

MORE MONEY.

I MEAN, YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S

SUPPOSED TO BE A GENIUS, AND

WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT

ANYWAY?

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS LIE THERE

AND LET THESE JACKASSES DO ALL

THE WORK.

NOW RUN ALONG, MISS PhD.

YOU GOT CUSTOMERS WAITING TO

FORNICATE.

DAMN, LOOK AT PEE WEE'S

UNCLE'S CRIB.

WOW!

IF GIRLS SAW THIS PLACE,

THEIR CLOTHES WOULD FALL OFF.

THIS PLACE IS DOPE.

HOLY SHIT, PEE WEE, YOUR UNCLE

MUST BE DOING ALL RIGHT.

( farts )

DUDE, YOU'RE DOING THE TURD

DANCE.

YOU OKAY?

NO, MAN, LUNCH DID NOT AGREE

WITH ME.

MUST PAY WELL BEING A

FAGGY-ASS... HUH, PEE, HUH?!

HEY! ( farts )

DUDE, SERIOUSLY, DO YOU WANT ME

TO BREW COFFEE ON YOU?

BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, I'M ABOUT TO

SHART!

YEAH, YEAH, SHART, PEE WEE,

SHART!

QUICK, QUICK, COME ON, LET'S

GO, LET'S GO.

OKAY, TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES.

STAY RIGHT HERE.

DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.

YES, SIR.

( farting and splashing )

WHAT THE HELL?

DAMN, BOY!

LIGHT A MATCH, KID, SHIT.

WILL YOU STOP FUCKING WITH

ME?!

I HAVE TO SHIT!

( cell phone rings )

HELLO?

HEY, SHELLY, IT'S TOMMY FROM

PORKY'S LAST NIGHT, REMEMBER?

OH, OF COURSE I REMEMBER.

I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D CALL.

WHAT'S UP?

WELL, I JUST WANTED TO FOLLOW

UP ON THAT PARTY I WAS TELLING

YOU ABOUT.

( farting continues )

IT'S GONNA BE TOMORROW NIGHT AT

MY BUDDY'S PLACE IN ANGEL BEACH.

THINK YOU CAN MAKE IT?

SURE, I THINK I'M FREE.

TEXT ME THE ADDRESS AND TIME.

AWESOME.

HEY, ONE MORE THING.

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN BRING SOME

GIRLFRIENDS?

I THINK I CAN HANDLE THAT.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU

TOMORROW.

OKAY, BYE.

( farting continues )

DAMN.

DUDE, YOU GIVING BIRTH IN

THERE?

HEY, TOMMY, CHECK OUT ALL

THIS RICH GUY STUFF.

( toilet flushes )

SO MUCH BETTER.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

( toy squeaking )

HEY! HEY!

GUYS!

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T TOUCH

ANYTHING!

LOOK, TOMMY, DOGGY STYLE.

WORK THAT BITCH.

( squeaking )

GUYS!

THESE ARE MY UNCLE'S ANTIQUES!

THEY'RE HIS MOST PRIZED

POSSESSIONS!

WELL, IN THAT CASE, MEAT, YOU

ARE A DAMN GAZELLE.

GO GET ME A TOUCHDOWN.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, STOP,

GUYS, STOP!

FLAG ON THE PLAY!

WIDE OPEN.

TOUCHDOWN.

NO CHRIST AIR, TOMMY!

PUT IT DOWN!

SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO

FIRST?

Both: LET'S HAVE A PARTY.

BLOW 'EM UP.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO PARTY, NO BLOWING UP,

ABSOLUTELY NOT, END OF STORY,

THAT'S IT, PERIOD.

IT'S TOO LATE.

I INVITED A GIRL I MET AT

PORKY'S, AND SHE'S BRINGING OVER

SOME FRIENDS.

WHAT?

DUDE, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.

I DON'T WANT A HOOKER IN THIS

HOUSE.

OH, YOU'D PAY TO FUCK A

HOOKER, BUT YOU DON'T WANNA HAVE

ONE IN YOUR HOUSE?

THIS PARTY IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

NO, IT ISN'T.

IT'S GONNA BE FUN.

NO, IT WON'T.

WE COULD ALL GET LAID.

LITTLE CHUCKA-CHUCKA?

SO DO YOU EVEN KNOW THIS GUY?

SURE, I MET HIM AT PORKY'S

THE OTHER NIGHT.

( laughs )

YOU MET A GUY AT PORKY'S AND

YOU WANT TO GO TO HIS PARTY?

YOU'RE CRAZY.

HE'S NICE.

IT'S GONNA BE FUN.

BESIDES, YOU SAID YOURSELF

THERE'S NO GOOD GUYS AROUND THIS

SUMMER.

WELL, I WOULD LIKE TO MEET A

NICE GUY.

WELL, MAYBE TOMMY HAS SOME

NICE FRIENDS.

COME ON, LET'S MAKE THIS A HUGE

FUCKING PARTY.

( cell phone dialing )

( cell phone rings )

HEY, SHEL, WHAT'S UP?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TOMORROW?

YOU WANT TO COME TO A PARTY AT

ANGEL BEACH?

GOD, I'D LOVE TO, BUT I'VE

GOT TO WORK.

OH, TAKE THE DAY OFF.

YOU DESERVE IT.

YEAH, WELL, YOUR OLD MAN'S

GOT ME BOOKED SOLID.

FUCK HIM.

GET OUT OF THERE AND HAVE SOME

REAL FUN.

YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF.

I'LL TEXT YOU THE ADDRESS.

MAYBE.

( beep )

( women laughing, indistinct

conversations )

( doorbell rings )

HEY, LADIES, YOU LOOK

AWESOME.

COME ON IN.

HEY, TOMMY, THIS IS MY FRIEND

VANESSA.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

COME ON.

MAKE YOUR RESERVATIONS NOW,

GENTLEMEN.

SPACE IS LIMITED.

WE ONLY GOT A FEW SPOTS LEFT.

ONE-HOUR SESSION FOR MISS TINA

TOPPERS, $1,000.

NOW, THAT INCLUDES TAX,

BUT NO GRATUITY.

WHICH ONE OF YOU BITCHES IS UP

FIRST, HUH?

UP FIRST, YEAH.

HE IN FIRST.

HOW ABOUT SLOPPY SECONDS?

SLOPPY SECONDS.

YOU GOT SLOPPY SECONDS.

TASTY THIRDS?

TASTY THIRDS?

( man grunting, knock on door )

TINA, I NEED YOU DOWN THE

HALL.

BUT WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED

YET.

THIS NUMBNUTS AIN'T GONNA

TAKE LONG.

COME ON, I GOT DICKS WAITING.

LOOK, IF I'M NOT BACK IN

FIVE, START WITHOUT ME.

( grunts )

( rock music playing )

HEY!

YOU GUYS, YELLOW TAPE, NO

ENTRANCE, OKAY?

( cheering and laughter )

THANK YOU.

THAT WAY!

HELP.

NICE WORK.

QUITE A TURNOUT.

DO WE HAVE YOU TO THANK FOR

THAT?

I TOLD SOME FRIENDS FROM

SANTA CRUZ.

YEAH?

NOTHING TOO CRAZY.

( Meat talking indistinctly )

WELL, HELLO, BEAUTIFUL.

I'M MEAT.

I CAN TELL.

CAN YOU?

COME ON IN.

THANKS.

HOW YOU DOING, PEE?

YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?

WHAT DO YOU THINK, TOMMY,

HUH?

LOOSEN UP, PRINCESS.

YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF IN

FRONT OF THE GIRLS.

THIS IS A LOVELY HOUSE, PEE

WEE.

THANK YOU.

I'M TRYING TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.

HE'S JUST CONCERNED THAT

THINGS MIGHT GET A LITTLE OUT OF

HAND.

ISN'T THAT WHY YOU THROW A

PARTY IN THE FIRST PLACE?

LOOK, YOU GOTTA MAKE LIKE

ESKIMO SNATCH AND CHILL.

GO TO THE POOL AND CHECK OUT

SOME OF THAT FISHING.

OW.

GET IN THERE, CHAMP.

POOR GUY.

HE'S SO CUTE.

HE SEEMS SWEET.

YOU'RE A CHAMPION.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

HEY, YOU MUST BE PEE WEE.

THIS IS YOUR HOUSE, RIGHT?

GREAT PARTY.

THANKS.

YOU WANT TO COME IN?

THE WATER'S GREAT.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

NICE.

HEY, PEE WEE.

YOU WANT SOME COMPANY?

GET IN THERE, BIG BOY.

YOU LIVE HERE ALL ALONE?

WOW, WHAT DO YOU DO?

I'M A DENTIST.

OH.

THAT'S COOL.

( laughs )

EASY, BIG FELLA.

SORRY.

FEELS LIKE YOU'RE READY TO

GO.

WELL, MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING I

CAN DO ABOUT THAT.

OH...

HEY, UM, DO YOU HAVE A RETAINER

ON OR SOMETHING?

OH, MY GOD.

( grunts )

OH, YEAH!

OH, MY GOD.

( grunting and panting )

OH, YEAH!

OH...

( grunts )

OH!

OH-- OH, YEAH!

( laughs )

ALL RIGHT, LADIES, WHO'S

NEXT?

( all laughing )

( squealing )

( laughter )

OW! OW! OW!

TOMMY! MEAT!

TOMMY!

OH, BOY.

HELP ME!

HELP!

PULL IT!

PULL IT!

PULL ON THE ROCK!

ON THE ROCK!

DID YOU SHAVE YOUR PUBES?

YOU'RE BALD.

ONE! TWO!

OH, MY GOD.

THREE!

( grunts )

OH, GOSH.

OH, MY-- UGH.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON

TONIGHT?

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

DIDN'T YOU HEAR?

TINA TOOK THE DAY OFF.

ONE OF HER REGULARS TOLD ME.

SHE DID WHAT?

SHE TOOK THE DAY OFF.

WELL, SHE SURE AS SHIT DIDN'T

ASK ME.

WHO THE FUCK DOES SHE THINK SHE

IS?

MAN, YOU LOOK SO FAMILIAR.

YOU SURE WE NEVER MET?

YEAH, I REALLY DON'T GET OUT

MUCH.

SO, UM, WHEN DO YOU LEAVE TO

JOIN THE NAVY?

A FEW WEEKS.

THINK I MIGHT BE ABLE TO

CONVINCE YOU TO STAY?

I-I'LL STAY.

( hip-hop music playing )

I'M REALLY GLAD YOU CAME.

I'M REALLY GLAD YOU CALLED.

AND THANKS FOR BRINGING YOUR

FRIENDS.

DON'T MENTION IT.

( vomits )

WHY DID I LET THEM THROW THE

PARTY?!

( screams )

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

HEY.

HEY.

CAN I SIT DOWN?

OH, YEAH, PLEASE, COME ON.

SORRY, IT'S A NERVOUS HABIT.

YEAH, YOU LOOKED LIKE A

NERVOUS WRECK IN THERE.

OH, REALLY, DO I?

GREAT, I'M GLAD IT'S THAT

OBVIOUS.

SHIT, I'M JUST...

TRYING TO RELAX.

SHIT, IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW,

THIS IS MY UNCLE'S HOUSE, AND

I'M TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF IT,

AND I DON'T WANT TO BLOW IT.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU CARE ABOUT

YOUR UNCLE A LOT.

YEAH, YEAH, I DO, YOU KNOW?

HE'S ONE OF THE VERY FEW PEOPLE

I CAN ACTUALLY LOOK UP TO.

I MEAN, THE MAN'S A DENTIST, FOR

GOD'S SAKE, YOU KNOW?

AND HE'S ON A CRUISE IN THE

CARIBBEAN WHILE HIS JACKASS

NEPHEW IS TRASHING THE PLACE.

WELL, MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU

RELAX.

( bicycle bell rings )

WATCH IT, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!

( women cheer )

I'D BETTER GO CHECK ON

THINGS.

NO, NO WAY!

SORRY, THIS ROOM'S OFF-LIMITS.

EVERYBODY OUTSIDE!

GO! GO!

I MEAN IT!

LEAVE!

SHE'S ON THE LIST.

DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT HER.

BYE.

WOW.

THIS WHERE YOUR UNCLE KEEPS ALL

HIS FANCY STUFF?

YEAH, I GUESS.

I'M ONLY SUPPOSED TO COME IN

HERE TO DUST.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

WE COULD DO A LOT MORE IN HERE

THAN...

DUST.

LIKE WHAT?

OH!

OKAY.

( exhales sharply )

THAT WAS CLOSE.

OH, NO!

OH, GOD!

OH, MY GOD.

NOT THE VASES!

I GOT IT.

I GOT IT.

I GOT IT.

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

WAIT.

DID WE...

NO.

CLOSE, THOUGH.

TOO BAD.

JESUS.

WE SURE DID A NUMBER ON THIS

JOINT.

NO SHIT.

ANYONE SEEN PEE WEE?

OH, BOY.

HOLY SHIT.

WHAT AN ARMPIT.

WHOA.

( snoring )

WAKE UP, PEE WEE.

SHUT UP, MOM.

COME ON, PAL, WE SHOULD TALK.

( snoring )

BLACK CHICK NIPPLES.

OH, NO.

OH, NO, NO, NO!

OH, BUMMER ABOUT THAT, PEE

WEE.

OH, FUCK.

AND I HATE TO RAIN ON YOUR

PARADE, BUT WE'RE OUT OF BEER,

TOO.

( wails )

HEY, I KNOW, MAN, I KNOW, IT

SUCKS.

LOOK, BUT WE COULD GO TO THE

LIQUOR STORE AND PICK UP AN

18-PACK.

OH, PEE WEE.

( crying )

IT'S REALLY NOT THAT BAD.

SO WHAT'S THE DAMAGE?

WELL, BETWEEN ALL THE

ANTIQUES, GOTTA BE CLOSE TO 20,

25 Gs.

HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED

TO COME UP WITH THAT KIND OF

BREAD?

MAYBE WE COULD FIX THEM.

REALLY?

WHAT?

JUST TRYING TO HELP.

NO, BUT WE CAN REPLACE THEM.

HOW?

HOW ARE WE GOING TO PAY FOR

ALL THIS STUFF BEFORE MY UNCLE

HOWARD GETS BACK?

CHEER UP, BUDDY.

HEY, LOOK WHAT I FOUND.

IT'S A QUARTER FULL.

YEAH.

( sobs )

GREAT, YOU THINK 25 GRAND

OUGHT TO COVER ALL THAT CRAP?

WELL, I'M NO ANTIQUE DEALER,

BUT IT SHOULD.

AND HOW LONG UNTIL PEE WEE'S

UNCLE GETS BACK?

THREE WEEKS OR SO.

WHAT IF I SAID I KNOW HOW YOU

COULD GET THAT KIND OF MONEY IN

TIME?

HOW?

YOU'LL LOVE THIS.

HEY, HONEY.

HEY, LLOYD.

GOTTEN PAID YET?

WELL, WELL, NOW WHERE THE

FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?

I NEEDED THE DAY OFF.

I GOT IT COVERED.

YEAH, WELL, THAT AIN'T GOOD

ENOUGH.

YOU CAN'T JUST COME AND GO AS

YOU WANT.

I'M TRYING TO RUN A BUSINESS

HERE.

OH, NO SHIT.

AND YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THAT I'M

THE ONE WHO'S BRINGING IN ALL

THAT BUSINESS.

DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF.

NOW GET READY.

WE GOT 16 RESERVATIONS TONIGHT.

PORKY, YOU KNOW I LIKE TO

TAKE MY TIME WITH MY CLIENTS.

YOU ARE TAKING ALL THE FUN OUT

OF THE SEX.

( laughs )

WHO THE FUCK SAID THIS WAS

SUPPOSED TO BE FUN?

THIS IS A BUSINESS!

A BUSINESS.

I KNOW.

LOOK, I GET IT.

PEE WEE?

WE FIGURED OUT A WAY TO MAKE

ENOUGH MONEY TO REPLACE THE

ANTIQUES AND THE VASES BEFORE

YOUR UNCLE GETS BACK.

NOW IT MIGHT SOUND LIKE A

CRAZY IDEA WHEN YOU FIRST HEAR

IT.

TOMMY JUST ABOUT SHIT HIMSELF,

FOR INSTANCE.

I DID.

BUT I KNOW A LITTLE SOMETHING

ABOUT BUSINESS MANAGEMENT, AND

VANESSA IS A MARKETING MAJOR,

AND WITH TOMMY'S MAJOR IN HOTEL

MANAGEMENT, I'M TELLING YOU, WE

CAN PULL THIS OFF.

WE COULD REPLACE ALL THIS

STUFF AND MAYBE EVEN MAKE SOME

EXTRA FOR OURSELVES.

UH, PULL WHAT OFF?

THE PARTY LAST NIGHT GAVE ME

AN IDEA.

GUYS WOULD PAY TO PARTY HERE.

GUYS WOULD PAY A LOT TO PARTY

HERE WITH GIRLS.

PEOPLE WOULD PAY US SO THEY

COULD PARTY WITH GIRLS.

HEY, WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO

DRESS UP LIKE GIRLS, THOUGH,

WOULD WE?

MY GOD.

I'LL SUPPLY THE GIRLS.

YOU SUPPLY THE HOUSE.

THEY BRING US THE MONEY.

( laughs )

SEE, IF I DIDN'T KNOW ANY

BETTER, I'D THINK THAT YOU WERE

SUGGESTING WE OPEN UP A

WHOREHOUSE.

WE ARE.

OH, I SEE.

ARE YOU CRAZY?!

WE JUST GOT OUR ASSES KICKED,

AND WHAT DO YOU THINK PORKY'S

GONNA DO WHEN HE HEARS THAT

WE'RE STEALING HIS BUSINESS,

TOO?

LET'S DEAL WITH THAT

IF IT COMES UP.

IF?!

REALLY WITH THE IF?!

COME ON, PEE WEE.

HEY, DO YOU WANT TO SPEND THE

REST OF THE SUMMER SWIMMING IN A

POOL OF YOUR OWN SEMEN JUST

WAITING TO LET DOWN YOUR POOR

UNCLE HOWARD?

OR DO YOU WANT TO BE A PIMP, GET

THIS SHIT FIXED, MAKE A FEW

EXTRA BUCKS, AND BE THE HERO,

HUH?

YEAH.

HEY, HAVE I EVER STEERED YOU

WRONG?

EVERY DAY SINCE THE FIRST

GRADE.

SO WHY STOP NOW?

GIVE ME A LOVE TAP.

COME ON, GIVE ME SOME.

OKAY.

STAY AMAZING.

STAY AMAZING.

( laughs ) HE'S GOOD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, FIFTH GRADERS, ARE

YOU READY FOR OUR LITTLE

PRESENTATION?

YEAH.

OKAY, THE KEY TO THE SUCCESS

OF ANY NEW BUSINESS IS

WORD OF MOUTH.

AND THE BEST WAY TO BUILD

WORD OF MOUTH IS BY PROVIDING

SOMETHING SPECIAL TO THE

CUSTOMER.

WE NEED TO LOOK AT THE

COMPETITION.

WHO IS IT?

All: PORKY'S.

RIGHT.

AND WHAT IS SO SPECIAL ABOUT

PORKY'S?

THEY GOT HOT CHICKS.

YES, BUT WHAT KIND?

BARFY.

SELFISH.

OKAY, BUT WHAT ELSE?

WHAT IS PORKY'S BIGGEST DRAW?

UH, PORN STARS?

VERY GOOD, PEE WEE!

( laughs )

GOTCHA!

PORN STARS.

GUYS WOULD LINE UP AROUND THE

BLOCK FOR A HALF HOUR WITH A HOT

PORN STAR.

SO THAT'S WHAT WE NEED.

WE NEED A NAME TO PULL IN THE

CUSTOMERS, AND WE SHOULD HAVE

SOME NICE SCRATCH IN NO TIME.

YEAH, BUT WHERE THE HELL ARE

WE GOING TO GET A PORN STAR?

I KNOW ONE.

WE'LL RUN ADS IN ANGEL BEACH

SINGLES WEEKLY, AND I'M ALREADY

CREATING THE WEBSITE.

ISN'T THAT TERRIBLY ILLEGAL?

SURE, IT IS.

THEN WE SHOULDN'T DO IT.

BUT WE'LL PUT WEBCAMS IN ALL

THE ROOMS SO WE CAN SAY WE'RE

JUST MAKING SOME NICE HOMEGROWN

PORNOGRAPHY HERE.

NOTHING ILLEGAL ABOUT MAKING

A PORN VIDEO.

NO HARM, NO FOUL.

OKAY, JOB ASSIGNMENTS.

MEAT.

HERE.

MEAT, YOU GOT SECURITY DETAIL

AND THE BAR.

NICE.

GONNA KICK SOME ASS AND GOUGE

THEM.

NO, MEAT, MONITOR AND EXPEL.

WE CAN'T CAUSE ANY MORE DAMAGE

TO THIS PLACE, AND WE DON'T HAVE

A LIQUOR LICENSE, SO WE CAN'T

SELL A DROP OF BOOZE.

COMPLIMENTARY DRINKS ONLY.

COPY THAT.

SHELLY AND I WILL HANDLE THE

MONEY AND THE SCHEDULING.

WE'LL ALSO BE HANDLING THE

RECRUITMENT.

PEE?

WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHAT DO I DO?

YOU'LL BE THE HOST.

LET'S GO, FOLKS.

PEE WEE'S PORN HOUSE OPENS

FRIDAY.

( rock music playing )

OH, YEAH.

OW.

YOU LIKE THAT, DON'T YOU?

I PROMISE YOU WILL MAKE SO

MUCH MORE MONEY.

YEAH! ( laughs )

OKAY, JUST HUMOR ME FOR A

SECOND.

WHY A CATHOUSE?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE I'M JUST PISSED AT MY DAD.

HE THINKS I'M JUST A GIRL,

SO IHAVE NO IDEA HOW TO RUN

A BUSINESS, AND YET HE'S

PRACTICALLY RUNNING PORKY'S INTO

THE GROUND.

MAYBE I JUST WANT TO PROVE HIM

WRONG.

BESIDES, IT MIGHT BE FUN, AND

YOU KNOW WE CAN DO IT.

HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?

WELL, I HAD A PRETTY GOOD

TEACHER, YOU KNOW?

SO, WHAT ABOUT YOU AND PEE WEE?

HE'S A CUTIE IN A

SEX-STARVED, VIRGINAL SORT OF

WAY.

( laughs )

( footsteps approaching )

WE DO GOLDEN SHOWERS, ROMAN

SHOWERS, BROWN SHOWERS, AND

C.B.T.

WHAT'S C.B.T.?

COCK AND BALL TORTURE.

YOU WANT SOME?

WE'RE GONNA NEED YOUR NAME,

SIR.

( grunts )

SO I'M JUST A NAUGHTY

SCHOOLGIRL THAT LIKES TO BE

SPANKED.

OUTSTANDING.

WHEN CAN YOU START?

IN MY EXPERIENCE, I'VE FOUND

THAT MEN PREFER TO BUY BY THE

POUND.

HEY, THOSE ARE MINE.

AM I HIRED?

YEP.

YAY!

WOW.

SO WHEN CAN YOU, YOU KNOW--

I GOT THIS ONE.

YOU'RE HIRED.

( both giggle )

NEXT!

SO WHO NEEDS A LESSON?

YOU.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL

SKILLS?

MM-HMM.

( grunting )

( laughs )

I THINK WE HAVE AN OPENING IN

SECURITY.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS, WE OPEN

TONIGHT.

WE GOOD TO GO?

WE'VE HIRED 11 GIRLS, AND

THEY'LL BE HERE BY 5:00.

NICE.

HOW MANY RESERVATIONS WE GOT?

NINE SO FAR.

MEAT, ARE THE WEBCAMS ALL

INSTALLED AND THE BAR STOCKED?

YEP.

HOW ABOUT OUR PORN STAR?

IT'S TAKEN CARE OF.

WHO IS IT, BY THE WAY?

IT'S A SURPRISE.

( pop music playing on radio )

( music stops )

JESUS.

22?

WHAT DOES HE THINK I AM?

A WHORE.

NOW YOU GOT CUSTOMERS WAITING.

LOOK, I TOLD YOU, THE FEWER

THE GUYS, THE BETTER I CAN MAKE

IT FOR THEM.

WELL, FEWER GUYS MEAN LESS

MONEY, MISS PhD, AND IT'S ALL

ABOUT MONEY, HONEY.

QUANTITY, PRINCESS, NOT QUALITY.

NOW I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT

YOU'RE GONNA DO.

YOU'RE GONNA MARCH YOUR ASS TO

YOUR ROOM AND LET EVERY GUY WITH

1,000 BUCKS COME IN THERE AND

FUCK YOU ROTTEN.

YOU GOT IT?

FUCK YOU.

WHAT'D YOU JUST SAY?

I SAID FUCK YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I QUIT.

( rock music playing )

( door slams )

( indistinct conversations )

( cell phone rings )

YEAH, HEY, SHELLY.

THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT!

GET UP IN THERE, BITCH!

YEAH!

GREAT, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, LADIES.

HI, HOW ARE YOU?

THERE YOU GO.

GREAT.

HERE YOU GO.

( hip-hop music playing )

WHAT CAN I GET YOU?

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?

A MARGARITA?

YOU LOOK LIKE A CADILLAC MAN.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

SON.

HELL, YEAH.

GET MESSED UP.

GO GET SOME ASS.

ANY NEWS ON OUR PORN STAR?

I DON'T KNOW.

SHE SHOULD BE HERE BY NOW.

( hip-hop music continues )

( doorbell rings )

I KNOW YOU.

YES, YOU DO.

OH, MY GOD.

I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU.

YOU'RE TINA TOPPERS.

DID WE?

NO.

CLOSE, THOUGH.

THERE'S TINA, HEY.

HEY.

OH, MY GOD.

THE TINA TOPPERS?

IN MY HOUSE.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

All: HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

HEY, PORK.

HEY.

KIND OF SLOW IN HERE TONIGHT,

HUH?

NO SHIT.

THAT FUCKING WHORE.

( rock music playing )

( pop music playing )

GREAT, THANKS.

OKAY...

HI.

OH.

( both moaning )

MOMMY'S LITTLE BABY!

MOMMY'S LITTLE BOY!

NICE WORK.

LISTEN, MISTER, I'M NOT

SAYING YOU GOTTA TIP ME

OR NOTHING, BUT IT SURE WOULD

MOTIVATE ME TO ACTUALLY POUR THE

WHISKEY INTO THE GLASS.

HERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

SO WHY DO THEY CALL YOU PEE

WEE?

YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW?

IS IT BECAUSE YOU'RE SHORT?

YEAH.

YEAH, IT'S, UH, SOMETHING LIKE

THAT.

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE A

DENTIST?

YEAH.

YEAH, SURE.

YOU KNOW, UH, SEEMS TO BE

WORKING OUT WELL FOR MY UNCLE,

SO WHY NOT, RIGHT?

PLUS I ALREADY GOT TWO YEARS

INVESTED IN IT, AND I THINK MY

MOM WOULD KILL ME IF I CHANGE MY

MIND NOW, SO THERE YOU GO.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

IS MARKETING YOUR FUTURE?

OH, YOU BETCHA.

( laughs )

CHEERS.

( slurps )

( rock music playing, crowd

cheering )

SO, UH, WHAT TIME'S YOUR

NEXT, YOU KNOW, APPOINTMENT?

HE'S WAITING FOR ME NOW.

DO YOU NEED TO GET GOING?

NAH.

HE'S ONE OF MY REGULARS FROM

PORKY'S.

HE USUALLY STARTS WITHOUT ME.

SO ARE YOU REALLY LEAVING FOR

THE NAVY AT THE END OF THE

SUMMER?

WHAT'S YOUR HURRY?

I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE, YOU

KNOW?

I MEAN, MY OLD MAN'S BUSINESS IS

DRYING UP, AND WITH PEE WEE AND

TOMMY AWAY AT SCHOOL, I MEAN,

THERE'S NOT A LOT FOR ME TO

STICK AROUND HERE FOR ANYMORE.

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE GONE.

I'LL BE YOUR FRIEND.

( typing )

( laughs )

HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.

LOOK AT THIS.

( slurps )

WHOA.

HOLY SHIT BALLS.

I'M GOING IN, TOMMY.

I'M GOING IN.

ATTABOY.

( laughter )

ALL RIGHT, LADIES, WHO'S

READY TO DO THE BALONEY PONY?

( gasping and screaming )

OH, NO.

MMM!

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

TOUGH BREAK, KID.

IT'S A CURSE.

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME SOME,

THEN, HUH?

THAT SOUNDED AWFUL QUEER, PEE

WEE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, TOMMY,

OKAY?

HEY, MEAT.

I'VE GOT A SMALL DICK.

I GOT A DOORBELL, AN INNIE, NOT

AN OUTIE, A MIDGET PURPLE-HEADED

YOGURT SLINGER, A BABY CARROT--

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WE KNOW

YOU'RE HUNG LIKE A LIGHT SWITCH.

DON'T ADVERTISE IT.

YOU WANT PEOPLE TO HEAR?

MY NAME'S PEE WEE, MAN.

OKAY?

YOU DON'T THINK THAT GIVES

PEOPLE JUST A LITTLE BIT OF AN

IDEA, JUST A GUESS, JUST A

SMIDGEN?

WELL, YOU ARE SHORT.

COME ON, MAN, WHAT'S UP WITH THE

DOWNER ATTITUDE?

YOU ON THE RAG RIGHT NOW?

IT'S ALL GOOD.

WE ALMOST GOT ENOUGH BREAD TO

PAY FOR ALL THE ANTIQUES, AND

VANESSA TOTALLY WANTS YOU TO

FART ON HER BELLY BUTTON.

HOW DO YOU KNOW SHE EVEN

LIKES ME, HUH?

HMM?

JESUS.

SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL AND SMART,

AND SHE'S--

YOU TWO ARE THE SAME PERSON.

REALLY?

YEAH.

YOU THINK I'M BEAUTIFUL AND

SMART, TOO?

SURE.

YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND.

HEY, IT'S A NEW SHIRT, BABE,

COME ON.

YOU'RE A GOOD GUY.

RELEASE.

YOU'RE REALLY GOOD.

HEY.

FIRST GRADE, MAN.

( slurps )

HEY, LITTLE GUY.

PICK A STATION YOU LIKE.

YEAH.

COME ON.

COME ON, PEE.

EENIE, MEENIE, MINEY--

( laughter )

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

SHE LOOKS TOUGH.

NOT THIS TIME!

GO GET 'EM, TIGER!

COME HERE.

YEAH, COME HERE, BABY.

YOU WANT SOME OF THIS PUSSY.

( boxing bell dings )

( Pee Wee screaming )

GET HIM! GET HIM!

OH, OH, TOMMY.

OH, ENOUGH, END IT, PEE.

( women laughing )

OH!

TOMMY, MAN DOWN.

TOMMY, MAN DOWN.

MAN DOWN.

HE'S CRAWLING.

GET OUT OF HERE, YOU BITCH!

OW!

( door slams )

I CAN'T EVEN GET LAID IN MY

OWN WHOREHOUSE.

( whimpering )

THANK YOU.

CHANNEL TWO.

CHECK IT OUT.

( women moaning )

( slurps )

BE NICE.

FUCKING PEE.

I THINK I'M DYING.

YOU'RE NOT DYING.

NOW GET UP, CHAMP.

IT'S TIME TO CELEBRATE.

WHY?

BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, WE MADE A

SHITLOAD OF MONEY.

OKAY, EXACTLY HOW MUCH IS A

SHITLOAD AGAIN?

9,406 AND SOME CHANGE EVEN

AFTER WE TIPPED OUT THE GIRLS.

OH, MY GOD, TOMMY, ARE YOU

SAYING WE MADE 9,000...

406.

AND SOME CHANGE IN ONE NIGHT?

HOW?

I JUST LAID THERE.

A COUPLE MORE NIGHTS LIKE

LAST NIGHT AND WE'LL BE ABLE TO

REPLACE THE VASES AND MOST OF

THE ANTIQUES.

AND WE HAVE DOUBLE THE

RESERVATIONS FOR TONIGHT.

THE PHONE'S BEEN RINGING LIKE

CRAZY.

WAIT A MINUTE, YOU GUYS ARE

SAYING WE HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN?

OF COURSE WE ARE, PEE.

YOU HEARD SHELLY.

A COUPLE OF MORE NIGHTS LIKE

LAST NIGHT AND ALL YOUR TROUBLES

ARE GONE.

YEAH, AND I AM TOTALLY BOOKED

SOLID.

AND A LOT OF HIGH ROLLERS.

THREE MORE RESERVATIONS.

AT THIS RATE, WE'LL HAVE THE

MONEY IN NO TIME.

PEE WEE, NORMALLY I WOULD SAY

THIS WHOLE IDEA IS CRAZY, BUT

LOOKING AT HOW LAST NIGHT WENT,

I SAY GO FOR IT.

SHE'S RIGHT.

SHE'S USUALLY A REAL PUSSY.

THAT I AM.

OKAY, WHY NOT, HUH?

( hip-hop music playing )

HEY.

HEY.

EVERYONE'S DOWNSTAIRS.

WHAT'S THAT?

GO GET 'EM, HEF.

NOT TOO BAD.

( cash register dings )

HERE, TAKE THESE BEERS.

JESUS.

DON'T FORGET TO TIP YOUR

BARTENDERS, BOYS.

COME ON, WHAT THE FUCK?

NOT TOO SHABBY, HUH?

YOU ARE RUNNING A VERY

WELL-ORGANIZED CATHOUSE, MA'AM.

SO YOU AND PEE WEE SNUCK OUT

FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

WE HAD A GOOD TIME.

AND DID YOU GUYS MAKE THE

BEAST WITH TWO BACKS?

PLAY HIDE THE SALAMI?

NO!

DID YOU LET HIM SPANK YOU

LIKE A BAD GIRL?

BUMPING UGLIES?

I HAVEN'T BEEN A BAD, BAD

GIRL, AND IT'S NOT THAT UGLY.

( clears throat )

EVENING, EVERYONE.

ENJOYING THE PARTY?

PEE WEE.

OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE A PIMP,

PEE WEE.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

( whip cracks )

( rock music plays )

( laughing )

( dog panting )

PIZZA SUPREME.

SIT UP!

AH! AH! AH!

BAD DOG!

I'M STARVING.

GONNA ROCK THIS ONE!

( woman laughing )

( answering machine beeps )

PEE WEE, IT'S UNCLE HOWARD.

WELL, MY TRIP'S BEEN CUT SHORT,

AND I'LL BE HOME IN A FEW DAYS

NOW, SO BE SURE TO USE THE

DISINFECTANT.

THIS IS AWESOME.

I KNOW.

HEY, GUYS.

PEE WEE.

GOOD NEWS, PEE WEE, WE'RE

GONNA HAVE ALL THE MONEY SOONER

THAN WE THOUGHT.

YEP, LAST NIGHT, WE PULLED IN

OVER 11 GRAND.

WE'RE ALMOST THERE.

NICE!

BLOW 'EM UP!

BLOW IT UP!

HEY, YOU GUYS SEEN VANESSA?

I SAW HER THIS MORNING.

SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING SWIMMING.

AH, GOTCHA.

LISTEN TO YOU.

SHE WAS LOOKING FOR YOU,

TIGER.

HOW'D WE DO LAST NIGHT,

LLOYD?

YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW, PORK.

TELL ME.

WE DID SHIT, PORK.

( glass shatters, cat yowls )

AND LET ME GUESS, YOU THINK

IT'S 'CAUSE I LET THAT BITCH

TINA GET AWAY.

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

NO, BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE

THINKING.

PORKY, WE WANT TO TALK.

WHAT DO WE WANT TO TALK

ABOUT, LADIES?

WE'RE DONE.

LAST NIGHT WAS OUR LAST NIGHT.

YOUR LAST NIGHT.

AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO

NOW?

WE'RE THE ONLY HOUSE IN TOWN.

THERE'S A NEW PLACE DOWN AT

ANGEL BEACH.

REAL NICE AND A BETTER CUT.

ANGEL BEACH.

( chuckles )

WELL, YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS

DOWN THERE, THEN, BECAUSE YOU

DON'T HAVE A JOB HERE ANYMORE.

NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE,

ALL OF YOU.

GOD DAMN IT.

YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT A NEW

CATHOUSE IN ANGEL BEACH?

YOU TALKING ABOUT THIS?

I GUESS I AM.

SHIT.

HEY, VANESSA!

( grunts )

( laughs )

OKAY, THAT WAS GRACEFUL.

ARE YOU STILL DRUNK FROM LAST

NIGHT?

SOBER AS A JUDGE.

OH.

LOOK, THANKS FOR TRACKING

DOWN THOSE NEW VASES FOR ME.

YOU KNOW, I COULDN'T HAVE DONE

IT WITHOUT YOU.

SURE.

YOU JUST GOT TO KNOW WHERE TO

LOOK.

SOME OF THE ANTIQUES ARE GOING

TO BE A LITTLE HARDER, THOUGH.

WELL, UM, THANKS ANYWAY.

GLAD TO HELP.

( seagull screeches )

OH!

REALLY?!

( laughs )

OH, HERE.

HERE.

THANK YOU.

( groans )

WHAT COLOR IS THAT?

IS THAT PERIWINKLE?

I DON'T KNOW.

HEY.

HEY, YOU GUYS.

HI.

DO I SMELL BIRD SHIT?

YEAH, IT'S ME.

OH, CHARMING.

PEE WEE, TOMMY AND MEAT WANT TO

SEE YOU.

IT'S A SURPRISE.

OKAY.

UM, I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU GIRLS

LATER.

ALL RIGHT.

BLOW 'EM UP.

( laughs )

WHAT?

THAT GUY'S A WALKING, TALKING

TRAIN WRECK.

BUT HE'S SO CUTE, THOUGH.

HE'S GOT SOMETHING, I'LL GIVE

YOU THAT.

NOT SURE WHAT IT IS.

HEY.

ARE YOU EVER GOING TO TELL THE

GUYS THE REAL REASON YOU'RE

HELPING THEM?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

COME ON, SHEL, WE BOTH KNOW

YOU'RE ONLY STARTING A

WHOREHOUSE TO GET BACK AT YOUR

DAD.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

OKAY, MAYBE IT STARTED THAT WAY,

BUT I REALLY LIKE TOMMY NOW, AND

I WANT TO HELP PEE WEE.

ARE YOU EVER GOING TO TELL

THEM WHO YOUR DAD IS?

YOU CAN'T HIDE IT FOREVER.

I KNOW, BUT IT'S GOT TO BE

THE RIGHT TIME.

TOMMY WILL FREAK.

PEE WEE WILL HAVE A STROKE.

( both laugh )

OH, YOU REALLY LIKE HIM,

DON'T YOU?

HE'S NOT MY TYPE AT ALL.

NOT YOUR TYPE?

NERDS ALWAYS GO FOR YOU.

PEE WEE IS NOT A NERD.

OH, YES, HE IS.

BUT IT'S OKAY, NO, HE'S A

LOVABLE NERD.

( laughs )

( chuckles )

NO, NO WAY.

THAT'S NOT GOING TO ATTRACT ANY

ATTENTION AT ALL.

RELAX, PEE, IT'S ONLY FOR A

NIGHT.

WHAT HARM CAN IT DO?

COME ON, PAL, WE GOT CUSTOMERS

WAITING.

BLOW 'EM UP.

BLOW 'EM UP.

ATTABOY, CUTIE.

CAREFUL.

( rock music playing )

I GOT YOU.

HOW ABOUT A... WHAT DO YOU SAY?

I GOT THE ADDRESS RIGHT HERE.

PORK, WHY YOU WANT TO GO FUCK

WITH THIS?

SOMEBODY TOOK IT UPON

THEMSELVES TO PLAY AROUND IN MY

PIGPEN.

AND I DON'T LIKE THAT AT ALL.

NOW I'M GONNA FUCK 'EM UP.

LET'S GO, BROTHER.

SO WHAT YOU GOING TO DO,

SHOOT SOMEBODY?

I MIGHT GO TO JAIL, AND I

MIGHT NOT.

THAT MEANS I'M GOING TO JAIL,

THEN.

YEAH, YOU'LL GO TO JAIL FOR

SURE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK TOMMY AND SHELLY HAVE

THINGS UNDER CONTROL.

I STILL WANT TO KEEP AN EYE

ON THINGS.

I CAN'T AFFORD TO REPLACE

ANYTHING ELSE.

GOOD FOR YOU, PEE WEE.

GOOD FOR YOU.

HEY, CHECK IT OUT.

PEE WEE'S FINALLY GONNA SEAL THE

DEAL.

SPEAKING OF WHICH.

OH, DON'T EVEN BOTHER.

I MEAN, YOU MIGHT THINK HAVING A

HUGE COCK WOULD BE A GREAT

THING, BUT EVERY WOMAN WHO SEES

IT RUNS IN FEAR.

THEY THINK I'LL HURT THEM OR

SOMETHING.

IT'S BECOME A CURSE.

PLEASE.

YOU KNOW, THE RIGHT MUSCLE

TECHNIQUE AND A LITTLE LUBE, ALL

IN THE HANDS OF AN EXPERIENCED

WOMAN, IS ALL YOU NEED.

COME ON.

I COULD USE A BREAK.

I'LL SHOW YOU.

( low rumbling )

BRACE YOURSELF.

YOU SURE YOU'RE READY FOR THAT?

HONEY...

I HAVE BEEN REHEARSING FOR IT

MY WHOLE LIFE.

WELL, IN THAT CASE.

CHECK THIS OUT.

WHAT YOU THINK?

BETTER THAN PORKY'S?

BETTER THAN PORKY'S.

THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE MY SIGN.

NO, IT DOESN'T.

THIS IS A CROCK OF SHIT.

TAKE IT EASY, PORK.

AND WHO THE FUCK IS PEE WEE?

( pop music playing )

YOU?

IT'S THOSE LITTLE PUSSIES THAT

WERE RAISING HELL DOWN IN MY

PENS.

( chuckles )

GET 'EM, LLOYD.

COME HERE!

NO! NO!

WHAT THE FUCK?

GET THE FUCK OFF ME!

GIMME THAT FUCKING BAT!

GO AHEAD, SHIT FOR BRAINS,

MAKE YOUR MOVE.

GIMME THE FUCKING BAT.

EASY. EASY.

TRUST ME, IT'S EASY.

PUT THAT AWAY!

TINA?

I WORK HERE NOW.

YEAH, WELL, NOT ANYMORE,

YOU DON'T.

NONE OF YOU WORK HERE.

DADDY.

SHELLY.

DADDY?

SORRY, I WAS GONNA TELL YOU.

WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU

DOING HERE WITH ALL THESE

DEGENERATES?

THESE DEGENERATES ARE MY

FRIENDS.

I WORK HERE.

DAD, I DON'T WORK HERE, WORK

HERE.

I-- I MEAN, WE RUN THIS PLACE.

YOU RUN THIS PLACE?

DAMN RIGHT I DO.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW

MUCH MONEY I'VE LOST?

I HAVE SOME IDEA.

YOU'VE ALMOST RUINED ME.

YOU SHOULD'VE LISTENED TO ME

WHEN I WAS TRYING TO HELP YOU.

I TELL YOU WHAT, WHY DON'T

YOU AND ME TALK ABOUT THIS

OUTSIDE, ALL RIGHT?

NOW, BOYS, DON'T YOU BE STUPID.

I'M TELLING YOU.

WATCH 'EM, LLOYD.

BATTER UP, MOTHERFUCKERS.

YEAH, YOU, TOO.

PORKY IS SHELLY'S FATHER?

THIS IS SO FUCKED.

TELL ME ABOUT IT, PEE.

SHE WAS GOING TO TELL YOU

GUYS.

SHE WAS JUST WAITING FOR THE

RIGHT TIME.

WHY?

BECAUSE I CAN.

OH, SHIT.

YOU ARE RUNNING A WHOREHOUSE

WITH A BUNCH OF SNOT-NOSED PUNKS

FROM ANGEL BEACH.

I'M A DAMN GOOD

BUSINESSWOMAN, A LOT SMARTER

THAN YOU GIVE ME CREDIT FOR.

I BEAT YOU AT YOUR OWN GAME.

WELL, YOU CERTAINLY DID THAT.

BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,

SHELLY?

YOU'RE SMARTER THAN I AM.

YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME.

DAD...

YOU KNOW I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY.

YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU.

YEAH, I LOVE YOU, TOO, BUT

PUTTING YOUR OLD MAN OUT OF

BUSINESS IS A SERIOUSLY FUCKED-

UP WAY OF SHOWING YOUR

AFFECTION.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?

YOU GONNA STAY OPEN AND TAKE

ALL OF MY CUSTOMERS?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU MADE YOUR POINT.

YOU CAN RUN A BUSINESS.

I'LL MAKE THE CHANGES.

JUST DO ME A FAVOR.

GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND SHUT THIS

CIRCUS DOWN.

ON ONE CONDITION.

YOU GIVE MY FRIENDS THEIR MONEY

BACK.

WHAT MONEY?

THE 750 YOU TOOK FROM THEM.

YOU PROMISED TO GET THEM LAID.

OH, YEAH.

( chuckles )

YEAH, I CAN DO THAT.

I GUESS WITH MY DAUGHTER BEHIND

THEM, THEY'RE-- THEY'RE NOT

SUCH PUSSIES AFTER ALL.

COME ON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

10, YES.

INCREDIBLY GAY.

AWESOME.

EVERYBODY HAVE A GOOD NIGHT?

YOU KNOW IT.

YES.

NOW I KNOW WHY THEY CALL HIM

MEAT.

I GUESS HE'S BIG ENOUGH.

DUDE'S LIKE THAT.

AND I FOUND OUT WHY THEY

CALL HIM PEE WEE.

BUT IT'S OKAY.

HE'S GOT GIRTH AND...

VOLUME.

AND THERE IS PLENTY OF REPEAT

BUSINESS, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M

TALKING ABOUT.

HOW IS A GIRL GOING TO GET HER

BEAUTY SLEEP?

SO PORKY'S NOT GONNA KILL US?

NOPE.

HE'S JUST GLAD HE HAS HIS GIRLS

BACK.

HEY, HOW MUCH MONEY DID WE

MAKE, ANYWAY?

A LOT.

BOYS, WE MADE 29,982 BUCKS.

WOW.

OH, MY GOD!

WE DID IT!

YEAH!

THAT'S RIGHT, MR. PEE WEE!

MEAT!

( bells jangling )

SURE AS SHIT, BOYS, WE MADE

ENOUGH DOUGH TO REPLACE ALL

THOSE ANTIQUES AND VASES, AND

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?

WE DON'T HAVE TO WORK THIS

SUMMER?

NOT A SINGLE DAY, MY FRIEND.

( laughter )

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR.

SO, WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

WELL, MY UNCLE'S NOT DUE

BACK FOR ANOTHER COUPLE OF

WEEKS.

SO, UH, I GUESS WE COULD PARTY.

PARTY?

UNCLE HOWARD.

OH, SHIT.

OH, FUCK, THERE'S HIS UNCLE.

YOU'RE BACK.

YEAH, I LEFT YOU A MESSAGE.

WE'RE IN DEEP SHIT.

WE GOT OFF ON THIS ISLAND,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

NO ONE WAS WEARING CLOTHES.

MUST HAVE BEEN AWFUL.

IT WAS AT FIRST, BUT I GOT

USED TO IT, AND AFTER A WHILE,

MY CRUISE SHIP LEFT AND I WAS

ALL ALONE...

WITH THESE TWO.

SO YOU WERE SAYING SOMETHING

ABOUT A PARTY?

OH, UH, NOTHING, ACTUALLY.

NO.

NO, NO PARTY AT ALL.

EXCEPT FOR THE ONE WHERE MY

PEACE VASES GOT SMASHED.

OH.

RIGHT, UH, THAT PARTY.

UH...

SEE, WE, UM...

UH...

LOOK, I'M REALLY SORRY, UNCLE

HOWARD, BUT I MADE BACK ALL THE

MONEY, AND I'M GONNA MAKE IT UP

TO YOU, I SWEAR.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

BUT EVERYTHING IS ALL

BROKEN, AND I MADE THE MONEY

BACK, AND I'M GONNA REPLACE

EVERYTHING.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I SAW.

I DON'T GET IT.

PEE WEE, THIS VACATION DID

WONDERS FOR ME.

THESE ARE JUST THINGS.

THINGS DON'T MATTER.

WHAT MATTERS IS I'M A NEW MAN.

I HAD NO IDEA THAT SEX WAS SO

GOOD.

( laughter )

AND YOU KIDS HAVE FUN.

YOU TOO!

HEY, BE CAREFUL WITH HIM.

HE'S FRAGILE, OKAY?

OH, MY GOD.

HOLY SHIT, PEE WEE!

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE GOT AWAY

WITH THAT.

THAT REALLY JUST HAPPEN?

I THINK IT DID.

WE JUST GOT OFF SCOT- FREE.

I THINK WE DID.

WE SHOULD THROW A PARTY TO

CELEBRATE.

I DON'T KNOW, PEE, I'M KIND

OF PARTIED OUT RIGHT NOW, YOU

KNOW?

YEAH, MAN, I'M BEAT.

I THINK I NEED SOME SLEEP.

YEAH.

BULLSHIT!

( shouts )

( laughter and cheering )

( rock music playing )

YOU'RE GOING DOWN.

YOU'RE GOING DOWN, BOYS!

YOU'RE ALL GOING DOWN!

WHOO!

YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT,

MEAT!

STAY AMAZING.

STAY AMAZING. ( laughs )

HURRY UP, I'M OVERDICKED OUT

HERE.

( rock music playing )