Original subtitles

Over here. I found one.

You’re gonna be quite a surprise,

my little saboteur.

♪ Save me, save me, ah

♪ Save me, save me, save me, ah ♪

♪ Save me, save me, save me

♪ My hands are tied, you see? ♪

♪ And I’m trapped on the track ♪

♪ And this train of thought won’t stop for me ♪

♪ Save me, save me, save me, yes ♪

♪ A familiar enemy

♪ And what has gotten into me? ♪

♪ I’m gonna lose that zero ♪

♪ I’m gonna find me a hero ♪

♪ I’m gonna break the curse ♪

Hi, this is Ida Teeter.

I can’t be bugged right now.

Leave a message.

Hey, Ida. It’s Danielle. Just calling to let you know--

Well, there’s not really a nice way to put this, so I’ll just say it.

I’m gonna have to stand you up tonight.

The whole bug thing pretty much creeped the crap out of me

and I just can’t...

Uh, that was mean. Sorry, sweetheart.

I can’t go there.

Oh... Tobe.

How did you get out, hmm?

Ohh.

You just wanted to cheer mumsy up, didn’t you?

Oh, you little sweetie.

Oh, I know.

Stood up again?

I am so freaking pathetic.

I thought she really liked me, Max.

Oh, too bad.

She had a really nice rack, too.

She said the bug thing creeped the crap out of her.

That’s a very unattractive image.

I just wanna meet someone...

I connect with.

You’re into chicks, darling.

That’s a scientific impossibility.

What about that brunette that’s always sketching

downstairs by the elevator?

She’s not bad.

Well, her hair is always in her face.

I have to be able to look in a woman’s eyes--

I have to be able to look in a woman’s ass.

Well, not "in" a woman’s ass.

"At" it.

Anyways, I’ve seen hers,

and it’s pretty dang nice.

I don’t know.

She seems kind of...

weird.

Uh-huh.

Look, Idie,

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

Never tell the ladies what you do for a living.

And get rid of your pets.

I don’t even keep books about bugs around the house.

It drives the chickies away like poison.

Max, this is who I am.

Jeez...

I’m just saying, at some point you’re gonna have to make the choice.

Babes or bugs. Can’t have both.

All right, you creepy little sucker.

End of the line.

Delivery. Package, ma’am.

So the grad student says,

"My, oh, my, Professor.

"Is that a proboscis in your lab coat

or are you just happy to see me?"

Go on.

Go on.

I’ve seen you here before,

but I haven’t actually talked to you.

Oh, uh...

Hi. I am--

Ida Teeter. I know. I always sit here.

It’s a peaceful place for me to do my work

and it reminds me of my father.

Um...

What is your--

My name’s Misty Falls, but I’m not a hippy.

Nice to make your acquaintance...

Misty. So what is it you do here, Ida Teeter? Teeter-totter.

Uh...

Um, you know...

I work here.

I work here.

So, Ida Teeter, I was gonna get a cup of coffee later,

and I was wondering if you’d like to...

I don’t know why I said that. That was a stupid thing to say.

I hate coffee. I drink tea.

What was that? Huh?

What’s under your hand? Uh...

Pen broke.

Pen broke.

Uh, I’m sorry.

I’m kind of in a hurry.

Well, okay, Ida.

I understand.

Hmm.

Good evening.

Shoo! Scat! Shoo!

Shoo! Go on.

Ohh.

Well...

Hello.

Where are you from, little partner?

Miss Teeter?

I was hoping to catch you.

Hello, Miss Beasley.

What is happening, Ladybug? Give me some skin.

Are you ever going to take that thing off?

Halloween was over four months ago, kiddo.

I know. Ridiculous thing.

Always jamming up the washing machine.

Now, Ida,

there’s something we need to discuss.

Sure.

The neighbors have a problem,

and, frankly, I share their concern.

Yes, ma’am.

But when I moved in, you told me I could keep pets.

You did, Grandma.

Don’t interrupt, Betty.

I meant a dog, a cat, a goldfish,

a pot-bellied pig, but not--

You didn’t say that, Grandma.

Betty!

My pets are safer than goldfish.

There is no water to leak on the floor.

There is no barking.

Well, they do chirp a little bit, but only if--

I keep a clean building, Miss Teeter.

I cannot have bugs all over the place.

Hey, I’m a bug.

You want me in your apartment.

Yes, Miss Beasley, I know.

You do keep this place spotless.

And I promise you, my pets will never cause any trouble.

Oh, hello there, big fella.

Hello, Dario.

Look at your cute little tummy.

Hello?

Somebody sent me a package. A bug.

Ida?

What time is it?

I thought it was a mantid, but it’s just too...

bizarre.

Describe it to me. Hold on a second.

Stuart, you are so sneaky.

There you go, Stewie, little dude.

You are a sweetie.

Ida? Oh.

I almost forgot.

That artist gal is the bee’s knees!

So adorable.

So I am going to take some vitamins,

grow some nuts overnight, and ask her to dinner tomorrow.

Hey, how about that?

Girls in lust.

You better give me a full description

of what happens afterwards.

It’s great material for the shower in the morning.

You are so gross.

Ohh. Okay.

It has a head like a--

Did you hear that?

Oh, Max.

It’s so beautiful.

How many segments on its abdomen? Hold on. Let me check.

It’s originally from Brazil,

but I have no idea who sent it to me.

Whoa, cowboy. It’s aggressive.

Look, Ida, I’m really beat.

Let’s look it up in the lab tomorrow morning.

Wish me luck, Mick.

That’s a very good name for you.

See you later, Mickey old pal.

Hi, um, Misty.

I was wondering if you would--

I mean,

if you’re not busy or anything, if you would like to go, uh--

Would you like to come have dinner with me tonight?

You asked her out?

Yes. And she was totally receptive.

And she drew this really neat pixie drawing of me.

That’s all she draws: pixies.

It’s her thing.

You tell her about your "thing"?

No. Not a peep, General.

Good. Now, you’re probably gonna want to go to her place--

Look at this. Oh, my God!

Let’s get out of here.

It’s not North American. Is it Chinese?

Sure is. Look at its head.

Hey, how about that?

Chinese food that’s actually from China.

This place rocks.

Nervous? Who? Me?

Yeah, but I’m always really nervous.

This is a cool place. You come here a lot?

Yes.

I’m a regular.

But I’ve never been here-- On a date? Oh...

Is this a date? God, I’m so stupid. Why did I just say that?

I think that you’re very attractive

and I would just crack like a fortune cookie if I didn’t say it, so--

There. I said it.

You think I’m attractive?

Mm-hmm.

Really?

Chow mein down.

Um...

I thought maybe we could go see a movie later,

but I looked in the paper and it’s just all horror and talking monkeys, so...

I rented something.

I hope you don’t think I’m... presumptuous.

Okay. Um, what is it about? Texas pixies.

Do you have a DVD player?

I thought we could watch it at your place.

All I have is a VHS.

I’m sorry. You're going a little too fast for me.

Yeah, that does really seem... calculated. No, no.

I mean you’re talking a little too fast for me.

Oh!

I couldn’t understand what you were saying.

I was just asking if you have a DVD player.

Yes. Yes, I do.

Okay, so after this, we can go to your place.

Um...

Babes or bugs. You can’t have both.

Actually, uh... it’s kind of a mess over there,

and my landlady, she’s very, um...

Oh, sure. What the heck?

We can go to my place. Ladybug has my back.

Watch your step.

This building’s really cool.

My place is a total cockroach factory compared to this.

Hmm... well,

Miss Beasley keeps a pretty clean place around here.

Betty, you little brat.

I’m not Betty, I'm...

Ladybug. I am sorry.

Give me some skin.

Misty, this is my friend, the Ladybug.

Oh, cool.

Are you a fairy?

No, but I love fairies.

Betty, it’s time for bed.

Hello, Lana.

Good evening, Miss Teeter.

Oh, you have a beautiful daughter, ma’am.

It’s her granddaughter.

God! Good line, Misty.

Very good line.

Wow.

This is "snugsville."

Yeah.

Cool.

Is that the bedroom?

Oh, don’t go in there!

Don’t go in there.

Oh, I didn’t mean anything by it.

No, I-I just-- I don’t-- I don't--

I just, um...

Would you like a drink? Yeah. Yes.

Oh, yeah. Thank you.

I don’t really have anything to mix with it.

That’s okay. Thank you, Ida.

Is this the most boring first date ever?

Why are you calling me?

Just wanted to hear how your hot date went.

I have an important date in the shower in the morning.

It is still going, and it is boiling,

and she is here, and we are watching a movie.

You get rid of the bugs? Um...

Yes. Really?

Wow. I didn’t think you’d ever-- Where’d you put them?

In the bedroom.

Ida, the idea was to get her into the bedroom.

What the hell were you thinking?

I-- Damn it!

I wasn’t thinking.

I didn’t know that she would be so easy.

Not that she’s easy--

But, uh, I like her, she likes me.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Shit, shit.

Shit. Shit!

Ida, Ida-- Max, what do I do?

Breathe deeply.

Listen to me.

Go in there and make your move.

But don’t let her see the bugs.

All right. Call me in the morning.

I take a shower at 6:30--

Are you cold? I have some--

Where am I? Oh.

Oops.

Were you tucking me in?

That’s so sweet.

Um...

Are you okay to drive?

Uh-- Um--

Oh, um...

Do you want me to go?

No, uh--

No.

I...don’t want you to go.

I can stay?

Um...

You probably need pajamas

and, um, privacy, so...

I’m just gonna, um...

I don’t... need pajamas.

Or privacy.

Come here.

Yeah. Come here.

Uh...

Am I, uh, being too aggressive?

Um, no.

But let’s just...

be tender.

Oh... my...

gosh.

What is this? I’m sorry.

I-I...

I’m going to get rid of them.

Is this a Lucanus laetus?

From Thailand? You know about stag beetles?

No, not really,

but my dad was the big-wig bug professor at the college

up until about a year ago, when he decided he needed

to get away from me because he found out--

Your father is Professor Malcolm Wolf?

He was my favorite professor in college.

I learned so much from him. Wow, what a coincidence.

How is he do--

Wait a minute.

You told me your last name was-- Mama was a hippy.

She gave me my own last name.

So...

you’re not bothered by them?

Some people are... bothered by them. No.

When I said this place was "snugsville,"

I guess it’s really "bugsville."

I love it.

Uh-oh.

Looks like one of your babies got loose.

Damn it! Mick!

You wouldn’t wanna help me look for him, would you?

I mean, we would have to be careful.

It’s kind of aggressive, but...

If you want to, we could...

♪ There goes that look again ♪

♪ Did I blow your mind again? ♪

♪ Did I say something wrong again? ♪

♪ Sorry if I do offend your heart ♪

♪ You never ask me how

♪ I feel when the lights are dim ♪

♪ I’m always in the crowd ♪

♪ To hide my face

♪ ’Cause I know they’re gonna tell me ♪

♪ Think of a place where they can’t ever drag me down ♪

♪ How we destroy the weak when we hide and seek ♪

♪ There goes that look again ♪

♪ Did I blow your mind again? ♪

♪ Did I say--

I’m so sorry.

Are you all right?

I didn’t hit you that hard, did I?

No, I just feel a little weak.

I guess I’m paying for all that whiskey I drank.

You should lay down.

Doesn’t feel like you have a fever.

Do you really give a shit? What?

Do you really care about me, Ida?

Um...

Yes. Yes, I do.

You make me feel like myself.

Hey...

what’s wrong, sweetie?

Nothing...

now that I finally have you.

This is absurd. No insect looks like this. I’m telling you.

That is what it looks like. Exactly.

Okay. Bring it in. Prove it.

Um... I can’t.

It kind of got loose and now we can’t find it.

"We?"

Who drew these?

I described it to Misty, and she drew them for me.

She is such a great artist.

Misty, Misty, Misty.

You sound like you’re in love.

Yeah. I kind of am.

So?

Just take it easy.

You gotta leave ’em wanting more.

What?

I want to spend every minute

I possibly can with this person,

and you’re telling me to take it easy?

Look, I’m glad to see you’re getting some action from something besides mantids,

but you might wanna take it easy, kiddo.

Women can drain your vital juices.

And not just - the sex ones, either. - Max!

You are worse than a high school chick sometimes. What?

We will take it at our own pace,

if that is fine with you and your juices.

Welcome home!

♪ L’amour ♪

♪ L’amour ♪

Oh.

Are you all right, sweet stuff? Mm-hmm.

Are you still not feeling well? I’m okay.

Well...

we haven’t exactly been sleeping a lot

these last few nights.

That’s true.

Let’s get you settled in.

Betty, no!

Sure about this? Sure it’s not too fast?

I have never been so sure about anything in my life, Misty.

I kind of love you.

You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear you say that.

No one’s ever loved me before.

It feels so...

I don’t know.

Like something inside

is just telling me that I need to be here.

Right here, right now. With you.

I feel it, too.

Couldn’t catch him.

Hey, what’s wrong, Grandma?

Stewie.

Stewie.

Oh.

There you are, this whole time, nesting in our pillow.

Mama Ida’s gonna be stoked you’re okay.

What is it? The mystery man from Brazil,

who sent me that unclassified insect.

He wrote me a letter.

I think he’s kind of a kook.

What do you mean?

Well, he seems to think that

that weird bug he sent me is dangerous.

Venomous maybe.

He’s crazy. Who wrote this?

He doesn’t identify himself.

But... it’s strange.

There’s an apologetic tone to the letter,

like he intentionally kept this information from me

when he sent the package, and then thought better of it.

And what’s weirder is I think I know this guy.

He writes like he knows me, but...

I just can’t...

call him up for some reason.

Juices, juices, juices. Shut up. I’m serious.

An insect that hunts and kills mammals?

There’s no such thing.

There’s a dog that's missing in my building.

And that bug is loose in there somewhere.

And what’s funny is that same little pooch

was messing with him when I found him on my doorstep.

So, not only does he hunt warm-blooded animals, he holds grudges?

"He?" No, no, no.

See, that’s the other weird thing.

I couldn’t tell if he was male or female.

All you have to do is lift up his-- He doesn’t have one.

Malcolm Wolf!

Whoa!

Where did you come from?

I heard you coming up the stairs.

Miss Teeter!

Were they kissing, Grandma?

Ooh!

I’d like to have a word with you, Miss Teeter.

Hey, Ida, can I have a kiss, too?

You-- You think that’s funny?

Hey, I want a kiss, too!

Now, you two-- you two-- you two--

You two-- You two--

Hey, I think we just broke her, Ide. Misty! Please.

Miss Beasley, I’m sorry, but-- Shut your mouth!

You-You-You--

You! You! You!

You stuck on a hard part of the alphabet or something?

Misty, what is wrong with you?

Now, Miss Beasley,

I know you probably don’t approve of... us.

But it is our right--Right?

Let me tell you something, Miss Teeter.

Since you don’t have enough decency

to close your doors or windows,

I’ve heard you two.

I’ve seen you two.

Are you saying it’s your right

to pollute the mind of my little granddaughter?

You know she looks up to you,

has stars in her eyes for you,

and all this time you must have been--

You must have been looking at her

like she was a little piece of meat!

Now wait just a goddamn minute, Lana!

How dare you!

And I’ve had complaints!

Complaints about your little pets.

Seems one of them got loose and now we have a missing dog.

I saw the filthy thing. It ran right across my feet!

They’re hearing it crawling in the walls, Miss Teeter.

Yes, okay. Jeez.

I am missing one specimen,

but that has nothing to do with--

The fact that the old bag doesn’t like clam lickers?

Don’t you try making trouble for me,

you potty-mouthed little shits!

I want you out of here in 14 days.

Out!

Give me some skin, Ida.

Ow, Grandma. Ow.

Lana, don’t do that!

Seven days!

I want you-- you deviants--

out of here in seven goddamn days!

Wow.

Somebody needs to get laid.

Are you okay, sweetie?

How could you stand there and laugh and make jokes

while that awful woman was saying those things?

I’m sorry.

I didn’t mean to agitate the situation,

and I certainly didn’t mean to make you cry.

Well, I am crying, damn it!

Oh, God.

It’s bad enough she was saying those things about us,

but Betty...

Oh, jeez!

Betty.

You were laughing. So I was laughing!

Big, fat, fucking deal, Ida!

You are such a baby!

I stay here all day, washing your dirty underwear,

doing your dishes, and feeding your stupid fucking bugs!

And then you try and give me shit?

That cunt down the hall’s the one you should be mad at!

Not me! Goddamn it!

Misty, I-I--

I just-- I-- I’m sorry.

You ungrateful, whiney little bitch!

I should rip your fucking eyes out

for talking to me like that!

Fuck! Shit!

I hate you, you fucking twat!

Fuck! Cunt!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Wake up.

There you go. Wake up.

I’m sorry about all of this,

but I really need to talk to you about--

I just had the most strangest,

most beautiful dream.

I dreamt that I was a little fairy lying on a lily pad.

And then this beautiful, giant bug landed on me.

And he held my arms over my head

and he pierced my belly with his proboscis.

And then I just laid there

as he pumped me full of his juices.

What do you think it means?

Maybe the bug symbolizes me? No.

I think it’s about my dad.

He never really approved of me.

Don’t do that.

We like it dark in here.

"We?"

Hello? Hey.

You got another letter from your man in Brazil.

What’s wrong? I...just...

Having problems at home.

See? I told you.

Once they move in, they completely transform into something else.

Max, that’s enough.

I’m gonna come in there right now, okay?

I’m worried that maybe-- Shit!

I just-- I’ll just tell you when I get there.

You mind if I open this?

These are a kick in the crotch.

Um...

Are you gonna be okay for about an hour?

Hmm.

You gotta see this.

Ho! Your homey from Brazil’s got quite a sense of humor.

There’s even illustrations.

Check this out.

"The insect is known to inhabit

"the nests of birds and other small animals,

"where it behaves like a parasite,

"inserting its proboscis

"and drinking the animal’s blood,

replacing what it takes with a unique toxin."

Wait. There’s more.

"This toxin the bug injects,

"is a protein,

"which, once it finds its way into the bloodstream,

causes mutations."

That’s not even physiologically possible.

You can’t mix an exoskeleton with an endoskeleton.

This is the best part.

"This protein invades the host’s DNA

and the bird is impregnated with the insect’s young."

I think this one’s actually pretty good.

You all right?

I think Misty got bit.

You’re yankin' my chicken, right?

Why don’t you like me, Miss Beasley?

Do you really want to know, dear?

Yes, I really want to know, dear.

I don’t like you because I think you are perverse.

You, your lady friend,

and your disgusting little pets.

I don’t want scum like you within a mile of my granddaughter.

She’s a good girl,

and I don’t want her exposed to a couple of--

Dykes? Lesbos? Fuzz-bumpers?

Is that what you’re trying to say?

You afraid your precious little Ladybug,

she’s gonna grow up one day and she’s gonna like other ladybugs, hmm?

Or maybe we’re gonna infect her

with some kind of pussy-eating virus, it that it?

You are just foul, young lady.

You’re a monster!

You’re right.

I’m sorry, Daddy.

What?

"Daddy?"

What-- What’s wrong with you?

Grandma?

Can I have my ice cream sandwich now?

Grandma?

Honey. Honey.

Oh.

Oh, my God, Misty. What happened?

Old bag fell down the stairs.

Misty.

Could you just leave us alone for a minute please?

Yeah.

I’m kind of tired anyway, so I’m gonna go hit the sack,

if that’s okay with you, thanks.

Please be a booty call. Please be a booty call.

Hello? Max, can you come over right away, please?

Something terrible has happened. You okay?

I’ll explain it to you when you get here.

I’m there.

You wanna join me?

There’s nothing wrong with me.

And I guess we won’t have to move, either, with old Beasley gone, eh?

The woman is dead, Misty.

That’s terrible.

I think the bug bit you.

Have you seen it?

The bug? Which one, Ida?

You’ve got 'em all over this flippin’ place, lover.

You know what bug I’m talking about, Misty.

You’ve been hiding it, haven’t you?

Okay.

Ya got me. It’s in your pillow.

And he’s a cute little guy, too.

Misty...

it’s infected you.

You don’t understand, Ida.

It hasn’t infected me at all.

In fact-- Listen to me.

Misty, your father, he sent it to me.

I don’t know why, but he did.

I know why he sent it to you, Ida. Why?

You know?

He sent you the bug so that it would bite you

and infect you

and make you go fuckin’ crazy!

He wanted me to be repulsed by you,

because he knew I was in love with you.

But...

I got the package before--

I’ve loved you for years, Ida.

I used to come to Daddy’s classes,

and I would just stare at you

and draw you... for hours.

I’ve always loved you, Ida. But it’s okay.

’Cause I still have you.

And...

Ida!

Today is the day.

I felt them kicking all night long.

You’re gonna beat me?

I can’t believe you’re gonna beat me.

I got knocked up first, you know.

You think it’ll be a boy or a girl?

Oh, probably a few hundred of each.

Then we should send Daddy a few hundred cigars.