Original subtitles

So I got Nancy the frozen pig's heart for Valentine's Day.

But I can't decide which is more romantic...

that she finds it next to her pillow in the morning...

or the front seat of her car...

so she can think of me all the way to work.

[horn honking]

(Hank) The mail never comes this early.

Talking about an old special delivery.

You know what I'm saying, man? Guaranteed overnight, too, man.

Boy, Boomhauer's sure got a way with the ladies.

That poor bastard has to celebrate Valentine's Day...

a dozen times with a dozen women.

Yeah. Poor Boomhauer, running around like a fool.

I could just cry for him. I think I'll go do that.

Hey, you're all dressed up. You kids going to the dentist?

Today's the Valentine's Day flower sale.

If a girl likes you, she buys you a carnation.

It's just a scam perpetrated by the floral industrial complex, right, Dad?

That's right, Joseph.

But still, you don't want to look like some flowerless loser.

What about me?

Now that Connie and I broke up, I could end up like Joseph last year.

No offense, Joseph.

I don't want to end up like me last year, either.

Bobby, you've got nothing to worry about.

But if you don't have any flowers by lunch...

just start coughing and go to the nurse's office.

I'll pick you up.

Hey, wait for me!

[children chattering]

Okay, even Acne Pete has a flower. That's a good sign.

-Hey, Bobby. -Willa Harris.

Call the principal. Someone's smoking.

[chuckles]

-Oh, thank God. -Man, I'm dead.

Happy Black History Month.

I'm just kidding. Happy Valentine's Day.

But FYl, it is Black History Month.

Bobby, did you save me a spot?

There's always gonna be a special place in my heart...

and on my shirt for you, Connie.

You guys are so sophisticated.

When Doug and Shannon broke up, Shannon spit on his bike...

and you know what he did on her driveway.

Oh, man, it's Charisse.

She's so tall and her braces are so shiny.

Do you think she caught me sniffing her scrunchy that time?

Hey, Bobby.

Don't move.

Yeah, like.... What?

If you want to give Joseph a flower, you better hurry while he still has room.

A bunch of us are gonna make fun of the janitor later.

Bring something to throw.

[sighing]

Dude.

You totally didn't have to do that for me, and you totally did.

You totally rock.

That took courage.

I haven't even hit my growth spurt yet, and I'm already a stud.

[laughing]

Bobby the ladies' man.

You know, your father and l are going two-stepping tonight...

to celebrate Valentine's Day.

And because my little man has been such a grown-up...

no baby-sitter.

Yes!

[crickets chirping]

Yep.

Yep.

Hey, Bill, you're not doing anything tonight, are you?

Great. We're leaving Bobby alone for the first time.

You think you could just check in on him, make sure everything's okay?

Can do!

Bill, not now. In a while.

And don't let him know we asked you, even if it makes you feel important.

[doorbell ringing]

[knocking on door]

Oh, Bobby, I didn't know you were home.

I just stopped by to see if your dad wanted to borrow my comb.

He's not here. My folks went out on their Valentine's date.

Oh, that's sweet. Valentine's Day is nice for couples.

I haven't celebrated that particular holiday since my wife left me.

I'll tell my dad you stopped by.

Are you in a hurry? Is Connie in there? I don't hear anything.

Did she fall and hit her head?

Mr. Dauterive, Connie and I broke up weeks ago.

Oh, my God, that's terrible. Are you okay?

Yeah, it's all cool. We're still friends.

Friends. Yeah. I thought Lenore and l would still be friends...

but here I am, all alone.

No one to have dinner with.

[sighing]

-I'll have dinner with you. -You will? Great.

I'll take you to the all-we-can-eat. Let me go put on some sweatpants.

[music playing]

[people chattering]

Thanks for joining me, Bobby.

When I come here alone, they stick me at the table behind the big-screen TV.

Can I get you anything else? Some dessert?

More wings.

At least if you're feeling full, you're feeling something.

I always thought you drank and ate for fun.

No, don't feel sorry for me. Being alone's not all bad.

You don't have to dress to impress.

That frees up a lot of time, which I fill with sleeping...

because being awake is too depressing.

But as a single guy yourself--

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I am not single. I'm available.

Available.

Whatever gets you through the day.

No, really. You should've seen me at school today.

I got so many flowers, I gave myself a nickname.

""Bobby Flowers.""

I got flowers from a woman once.

Turns out she was having one of those contests with her friends...

to see who could bring the most pathetic guy to a party.

They called it a Pig Dance. We won.

I don't think those girls are playing a trick on me.

I mean, they were giggling a lot, but that's because I'm funny, right?

Wait. Stop right there.

You could drive yourself crazy...

trying to figure out all the reasons women are laughing at you.

[mumbling]

[mumbling]

[music playing]

(Peggy) Look at those two.

Trippy McLeftfoot and his little gal, Clumsy.

They have absolutely no rhythm. And they think they can beat us?

Oh, no. Not two years in a row.

Aid daicers to the floor!

Now remember, rock step, rock step, glide step, windmill.

Okay, let's do it. One and two and--

-Clear the floor, you two. -What? We're out?

I refuse to acknowledge any tap before you have seen us windmill.

-Don't make me tap you again. -It's not over!

Hank, come on, windmill! Come on, windmill! Windmill!

[crickets chirping]

Make yourself at home, Bobby.

Take your shoes off, or leave them on if you want to keep your socks clean.

(priest) You may kiss the bride,

I preseit Mr, aid Mrs,,,,

My God! What happened to you?

Yeah. I looked pretty good back then, didn't l?

Of course, that was before Lenore started cheating on me.

Two weeks before.

[crying]

Yeah, but can't you meet someone else, like on the lnternet?

-You can use your old picture. -No, no, no.

What are the odds of me finding another beautiful, classy lady...

passed out in my lap at a Molly Hatchet concert?

What about me?

You think another pretty Asian girl is gonna move in next door?

No. You get one chance at love...

and if you screw that up, you're gonna be alone forever.

(Bobby) What about this one?

""Dear Bobby, I'll love you forever. Connie.""

That was a lie. I had a letter just like that from Lenore.

I had to destroy it before it destroyed me.

[exclaiming]

When it rains, it pours. Let's get you cleaned up and home.

You'll probably want to start sleeping soon.

(Hank) We may not have won the contest, but at least it was kind of romantic.

You and me against the world and all.

[Bobby and Bill sobbing]

Bobby?

Lenore!

Connie!

[both crying]

Why are you moping about Connie? You were just fine when it ended.

If I remember correctly, the breakup was mutual.

It was the last thing we did together.

-Bobby, you'll find someone else. -Mr. Dauterive didn't.

The only thing you need to know about Bill Dauterive...

is to stay away from him.

Everything that man touches turns to...

Bill.

Can I sleep with you guys tonight?

-Hank? -No.

[gulping]

Bobby, it worked.

I called Charisse, and I was all, ""You want to go to a party?""

And she was all, ""Okay."" And I was all, ""Cool.""

But inside I'm like....

[exclaiming]

So now I have to have a party.

What do I wear? What do I serve? What do I play?

[burping]

I can't believe I let Connie get away.

If she would just love me again...

I would build her a beautiful cage and never let her out.

Hey, guys.

Would you sign a petition to change our school name...

from Tom Landry Middle School to Tom Landry Learning Space?

I'd do anything for you, Connie.

Okay.

Hey, Joseph's having a Valentine's party. You wanna go?

Well, the party is next door...

and with all that noise, I won't be able to study anyway, so, sure.

Yes! We are back together. Oh, baby, this feels so right.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Bobby, we're just friends.

Pumpkin, don't use the F-word on me. Not me.

This is your cuddle monster talking.

Hey, Leventhal. Bobby and Connie back together.

-Pass it on. -Yeah. Well, I'm gonna go now.

And we should probably go to the party separately...

and maybe at different times.

Connie, don't leave me!

Dude, is this what I do to chicks?

[birds chirping]

Hey, Bobby. How was school?

We're out of Cool Whip? Oh, man!

So, Dale tells me Joseph's having a shindig.

-You thinking of asking someone? -I already asked Connie.

She didn't want to have anything to do with me.

Okay, then she's dead to you. It's time to move on.

-ls there anyone else you like? -I guess, Willa Harris.

But I'm telling you, she's gonna say no.

Say no to Bobby Hill and chocolates? I do not think so.

I have seen her go through bake sale brownies like a wood chipper.

You give her a call. We'll give you some privacy.

This could work.

Willa Harris is so-so in the looks and popularity departments.

She will not say no.

-Willa. That's a cute name. -Hey, it's Bobby.

I was just wondering if you'd be my date to Joseph's party.

[laughing]

All right.

Come on, it'll be fun. Please?

Please, please, please, please. Connie, don't hang up!

I've got your favorite chocolates right here, Assorted,

The oies you love so much,

Why cai 't you love me,,,

the way you love these assorted chocolates?

I'm sweet on you, Connie.

Connie, I'm your little candy man.

[beeping]

No!

(girl) This will be really good. Come on.

(boy) Yeah, come on, let's go.

(girl #2) Thanks, Mom. See you later.

Hey, Bobby. I gotta tell you, you're not gonna find happiness in there.

I've tried.

I'm not supposed to talk to you, Mr. Dauterive.

My mom gave me this whistle in case you start giving me advice.

Check out Bobby.

Connie.

You still miss her, don't you?

[sobbing]

You know, my only regret with Lenore...

is that I didn't make that one last grand romantic gesture to win her back.

-Wait. So maybe it's not too late for me? -It's not.

-Maybe I don't have to end up like you? -You don't.

All right!

[groaning]

[li Too Deep by Sum 41 playing]

[children chattering]

(boy) Someone took my soda! Where's my soda?

One time in math class...

I chewed an eraser off my pencil and threw it at the back of your head.

-That was you? -Yeah.

Cool.

Hey, Dad.

[grunting]

Not now, Joseph. I'm rounding first base here.

The moment's ruined.

[crickets chirping]

[doorbell ringing]

Who wants to fall in love?

Cupid is here. He's got one arrow left...

and it's going straight into Connie Souphanousinphone's heart.

-Bobby sprouted wings. -Oh, God!

(Connie) Ow!

You shot her in the eye.

Oh, gross. You licked it.

What are you doing? You're ruining my party.

What? You wouldn't even be having this party if it wasn't for me.

You'd just be sitting alone going, ""Dude, like.... I'm so....""

Come on, get....

Watch it. You're pulling off the wings.

Let go. I'm not leaving.

I am not leaving unless Connie leaves with me.

[Bobby groaning]

[children grunting]

[children cheering]

Bobby!

Well, Bobby, it's better than wondering, ""what if....""

[birds chirping]

Hank, Bobby's been asleep for 15 hours. We have to do something to cheer him up.

So, I am taking his church shoes to have taps put on them.

That's just a Band-Aid, Peggy. We need to find a cure.

Then teach him, Hank. Teach him to pitch woo.

I don't know how to do that. What did I do with you?

Nothing. I did it all, as always.

Bye.

Boomhauer.

Thanks, Boomhauer. Do whatever it takes. Put gel in his hair if you have to.

Hank, where's Bobby?

[scatting]

-I got mine done, too. -Don't worry. Bobby's in good hands.

Boomhauer's gonna fix everything Bill broke.

Boomhauer?

Well, I try to shield you from this kind of stuff, Peggy...

but Boomhauer is pretty good with the ladies...

and he's agreed to show Bobby some of his secrets.

Hank, the man's longest relationship was a three-day weekend.

-What kind of secrets could he have? -I don't know.

-He wouldn't tell me. -Well, he could be doing anything.

He could be taking Bobby to a pickup bar. Or a Hooters.

-Oh, God. -That's right, Hank.

(Boomhauer) Ain't no worries, Little B. We're gonna get you back on track.

We gonna be talking about an old secret, dang old strong enough for man...

but that was made for woman, you know?

There really is a secret to getting women?

Please, I need to know. I won't tell anyone. I swear. I swear.

Hey, man, there ain't no jokes about here, man.

I'm talking about, you're gonna take a solemn oath, man.

-Talking about that old Bibbly-B. -l, Bobby Hill...

Now I'm gonna cross my dang old heart, talking about, I pledge allegiance...

-tell you what, man. -...do solemnly swear....

(Peggy) We should have given Bobby a pager.

He might have become a drug dealer...

but at least we would always know where he is.

Come on, man, you just talking about an old, dang old fishing magician, man.

Talking about a dang old....

What are we doing at Shelwyn's?

I thought you were gonna show me your lady secrets.

Mmm-hmm.

[women chattering]

Hey, man, you just watch old B-Dog, and you'll learn, man.

Hey, pretty lady, why don't you talk about how I'm maybe gonna call you sometime?

Yeah, I don't think so.

Hey there, pretty lady, talking about I might give you a call sometime, man.

Oh, please.

Hey, baby, you know what I'm talking about.

You look good on your feet, but you're gonna look better on my bed.

I'm talking about giving me them digits, man.

Why don't you go home and take another cologne bath?

You just got blown off three times.

Yeah, so?

It doesn't fit.

Yeah, man, and maybe I'm gonna show you something in old size Boom.

You don't work here. Get away from my feet.

Hey, that's Boomhauer's car. Yep. He always takes two spots.

Yeah, man. Check it out, man.

She went and entered in my dang old PalmPilot.

But you got shot down by 23 women...

before you got that phone number.

It ain't no thing.

So this is your big secret?

You just ask every woman you see until one of them finally says yes?

Man, you're gonna tell my.... My old secret, man.

You know what, Mr. Boomhauer?

I'm pretty sure this is not the way I'm gonna find real love.

[laughing] Man, what you talking about, dang old ""love""?

[music playing]

Well, I guess Boomhauer's secret isn't in housewares.

And it's not in the portrait studio...

although I did see a very ugly baby there.

This place is so boring.

What's wrong with you?

Where do I start?

You could start with the shoehorn on your nose.

You know, I honestly forgot I still had it there.

Are you laughing at me, or.... Who cares? I'll take it.

-I'm Bobby. -Debby.

Debbie with an ""i-e"" or Debby with a ""y""?

-""Y."" -""Y"" with a ""y"" or with a ""w-h-y""?

[laughing]

-There he is. -lt is always the last place you look.

Because after that, there's no reason to keep looking.

What are you guys doing here?

We.... Buying shoes.

Excuse me, do you have these in a size 16-and-a-half?

[laughing]

Your mom's funny, too.

Hey, you wanna go wear hats and pretend we're mannequins?

Okay.

Hey, Hank, Peggy, man. How you doing?

I'm at this store here buying shoes for my mom, man.

I'm gonna.... You know, Mother's Day coming up, you know?

She look lovely in Jimmy Choo, you know, man?

Look at my boy.

(Hank) Whoa, Boomhauer.

That's the women's changing room. The men's is over there.

God dang it all, man!

Don't mention it. I owed you for fixing up my boy.

(Bobby) I'm your little caidy mai,

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