Original subtitles

♪ Sometimes I talk out loud ♪

♪ When there's no one else around ♪

Excuse me. Are you Alice Anderson?

Daughter of Jeanie Anderson?

Yeah. I mean, yes, that's me.

I'm actually supposed to be picking her up right now.

It's kind of our thing, family tradition, you know.

I pick her up when she travels and she picks me up when...

Miss.

- Is she in trouble? - I'd say so.

Did she fly with an illegal animal again?

- No. - Did she threaten to start a dance party

in the aisles of the plane if she got cut off?

- Because normally she is joking. - No.

Please tell me she didn't hook up with a pilot again.

I can't... I can't have her banned from another airline.

We are now boarding Delta...

- Follow me, please. - What?

Mom, are you okay? What happened?

What happened is...

I'm engaged!

Woo!

- Oh my god. - Woo!

You guys really commit to a prank.

Oh honey, it's no prank.

This is the real deal.

Are you being serious right now?

You were only gone for six days.

She was only gone for six days.

I know. But when you know, you know.

- You know. - No!

Ma...

Honey, I can't wait for you to meet Wayne.

He's actually flying in tomorrow.

Is alcohol even allowed in here?

Oh, not at all.

I confiscated it from a guy earlier this morning.

You don't want to know where.

- To your mom! - Yay!

- Cheers! - Cheers!

Woo!

♪ But you're the one to blame ♪

♪ Cause now that they're not together ♪

♪ I finally feel okay ♪

I just don't understand.

You were in Sedona for less than a week

and now you're engaged to some random guy?

Oh, Wayne isn't random.

Ugh... Okay.

What's his last name?

Um... Appleby?

No. Appleton?

- Granny Smith. - Mom...

It's something to do with apples, but...

but that's not important. I know the important things.

He's kind and funny.

He's a great cook.

Do you know that you can make a lasagna from hot dogs and mustard?

Gross.

Mom.

Please listen to me.

I'm worried about you.

You've just fallen in love so many times and it never...

Oh, honey, this is different.

Just keep an open mind.

Wayne's gonna be here tomorrow and you're gonna love him.

Fuji! Wayne Fuji!

I knew it had to do with apples.

I was so close.

Bagel Bar! Alice, you're the best.

Well, I have to make work a little fun for my team.

I got you gluten free.

You're so good to us. Thank you, HR Mommy.

Please don't call me Mommy.

We were bummed you couldn't make it to karaoke last night.

- Mm-hmm. - I think I made Beyoncé proud.

Well, even though public singing is my number one

stress dream, I was sad to miss it.

But I had to pick my mom up at the airport, so...

Oh! Jeanie's back from the retreat thingy. Was it good?

Yeah! She got engaged to a guy she met there, so that's fun.

- Anyway... - Wait, wait.

Jeanie got engaged?

Yes, she did.

But, point being, I need to tell

you about our new PTO policy.

Um...

- More. - That's insane.

Alice's mom is next level.

Tell him about the time that your mom was a groupie for Nickelback and pulled you

out of high school for a month to go on tour with them.

- Anyway... - Let's get back to the engagement.

Have you met this guy yet?

No, he's flying in tonight, so I have to spend my lunch break

looking him up online and maybe running a background check.

Or... Just a thought...

maybe we could look him up right now.

Okay, only if we counted as team building.

- Yes! - Yes!

Go team!

It says his last job was renting fog machines to strip clubs.

Huh.

I wouldn't even think that was a gig, because the whole

point would be to see the women, but what do I know?

He can't be as bad as he looks online, right?

He's wearing a t-shirt that says,

"I own two pythons, and one's in my pants."

No... No... No.

She's not marrying this man!

So...

- I've been thinking... - You want bangs?

Honey, I'm sorry.

I don't think you have the forehead for them.

No. I... What?

I've been thinking about you and Wayne.

I... I wanted to talk to you before he got here.

Mom, you know I love you

and I want you to be happy,

but I'm worried you're moving a little fast here.

That retreat was supposed to be about working

through your grief, not boning some guy

showing off his snake tattoos online.

Did you look him up?

With an open mind?

But yes!

Okay.

First of all, he only has one snake tattoo,

and it all connects on his cute little butt cheek.

- Okay. - And... Second of all,

I did work through my grief.

I only cried over Queenie once, the whole trip.

They served nuts on the plane.

You know how she felt about squirrels.

Well, hey! There's my woman!

- Oh! - Baby, baby, come over here!

Alice, this is Wayne, my fiancée.

- Alice. - Hi. Oh.

- Hey. Now, listen. - Hi.

I know you're a grown woman, but I want to tell you something.

I intend to be the world's best dad, and I want to get a mug to prove it.

She's a cutie pie. You're a cutie pie.

This is so exciting for my two favorite people to meet.

- Yeah. Um, say, Wayne. - Huh?

Could you ask our waiter for some more, um, uh, napkins?

- Napkins? Sure, can do. - Mm-hmm.

- Okay. - Hold my bowie for me.

Will you, beanie?

That's sweet. That's sweet sugar.

Ohh...

Woo!

You cannot marry that guy.

This is the start of an episode of "Dateline."

Oh, my God. It's heavy. No!

You know, I was worried you would do this.

Start judging him for his looks and his education and his hepatitis.

His what?

Mom, you are rushing into this.

Mm. If you say so.

You are not being rational.

Love isn't rational.

Oh, but I forgot... you don't believe in romance.

Oh, I believe in romance.

I just prefer to be in control of my life.

Not lost in some pheromone-induced mania.

- I am not like you. - Oh, you're exactly like me.

I raised two beautiful daughters.

You and Queenie are exactly like me.

Stop comparing me to your dog.

- It's a compliment. - It's not!

Hey... ladies.

Now, I could not track down the waiter

and get those napkins, but got something better.

Boom!

Use as much as you want. We can wipe our hands with it.

Thank you.

And again, if you ever want me to set you up with someone, let me know.

Oh, thank you. But no, thank you.

- I don't have time to date right now. - Alice, come on.

I mean, don't you want to meet a mega nerd like yourself?

Let your little freak flag fly?

My freak flag is doing just fine in storage right now, thank you.

- Is it? - I don't have time.

I'm working overtime to try to get this director of human resources job.

And now, I have to deal with my mother's train wreck of an engagement?

No.

Is he really as bad as we thought?

He's worse. She's so blinded by love.

She can't see the parade of red flags he's laid out for her.

And when this relationship inevitably ends like they always do,

in six to eight months, she will be devastated and hysterical.

And who will have to pick up the pieces?

Me.

It never works.

I mean, come on.

She doesn't even know who my dad is.

Are we really surprised?

Woo!

Woo!

Oh, hi!

You mowing the lawn or going to winter formal?

I hit one of my gnomes.

Oh well.

Thank you for coming over.

Oh my God.

Oh, I know.

Doesn't Queenie look beautiful?

She really does.

I hired the same photographer who did your senior portrait.

Nothing but the best for my two daughters.

Mom, for the last time, your human daughter is not the same as a dog.

I asked you here because I want you to know I heard your concerns.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Wayne and I agreed.

Planning a wedding is just too much work.

And weddings cost a fortune.

That's true.

That is so responsible.

Yes, so we're going to Elope in Buffalo next Saturday.

What?

You want to get married next weekend?

Mm-hmm.

And...

Alice, I have a very important question to ask you.

Uh-huh.

Will you be my maid of honor?

Oh... You're maid of honor...

Mom, I'm so touched, obviously.

And I really would like to say yes, but I...

Yes! Oh, I'm so glad we got that sorted because I have so much to do.

I have to go shoe shopping.

I have to go dress shopping.

I have to pack up this entire house.

Pack up the house?

Didn't I tell you I'm selling the house?

You're selling the house?

Wayne says we need seed money for the new business.

- What business? - Oh, that's still in beta.

Hold on!

You are saying that you want to sell our house,

the site of all of our memories,

to give cash to a guy you just met for a business that doesn't exist yet?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm not going to give it to him.

Then it would be taxed.

Oh, my God.

No, we're going to wait till we're married and combine assets.

It's the least I can do to support his dream

because he's moving here for me.

Look what the cat dragged in.

- Whoa! - Me!

- You, baby. - Thank you for your credit card.

- You betcha, honey. - And I got something for you.

Oh, my god. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm leaving. I'm going to work.

Come on, baby. Let's dance.

- Let's dance. - I'm going.

- Oh, bye, honey. - Oh, bye, baby, baby, baby.

- Hey, hon. - Hm?

So you sent a company-wide email with zero exclamation marks,

and I'm wondering if you're okay.

My mom wants to marry Python Pants next week.

- Next week? - Next week.

And I can't let it happen.

- Oh, he's really that bad. - He's awful.

He's making her sell her house to steal all her money, to start some business.

He's just... He's got his claws in her deep, you know?

- Ew. - Ew.

Damn. Red Flag City.

Mm-hmm.

But your mom is a grown-ass woman, and she'll just

have to live with the decisions that she makes.

My mom is mentally a teenager.

She can't...

- You're right. - Yeah. Why?

Her decisions.

I have to make her think it's her decision to call things off with him.

Yeah.

But what is my mom more than anything else?

Horny.

Fair.

What else?

Self-centered.

Yes.

She's been talking about her next chapter

of life for years, so I just have to make

her see all the paths she won't be able

to take in her next chapter if she's with Wayne.

Mm-hmm. Are you sure that this is the path that you want to take?

Because you've been working so hard to get your promotion, and...

If I could do this at literally any other time, I would

but if this man breaks her heart and steals her nest egg,

I fear she will never recover, and I have to protect her.

So that's what I'm gonna do.

- Hi. - Hi.

What are you doing here?

I was just getting in the bath. Do you want to come in?

- Uh, no. - I've had a bath today, thanks.

I tried calling, but your voicemail's full.

- Oh. - I have an idea.

What if, instead of flying to Buffalo,

we drive to Buffalo together?

Like a road trip?

A bachelorette road trip?

Yeah. I'll plan all the stops.

Wait, but what about your job?

You never take time off.

I can bring my laptop and work on the road.

I've already told Lainey to call me

if there's anything I absolutely have to handle

because how often does my mom get married?

Well, I'm pretty sure ceremonies in Belize don't count in the U.S.

Okay. I'm gonna choose not to unpack that right now.

I know Wayne might feel a little weird about being left in a new city all alone.

Oh, no, no, no.

He's so busy scouting locations for the new business.

I love how independent he is.

- Mm-hmm. - I'm just gonna tell him

to meet us in Buffalo before the wedding, and it will be just us.

Great!

A mother-daughter bachelorette party road trip.

- Yes. - We'll leave tomorrow?

Yes. Oh, I'm so excited.

- I love you. - I love you too, Mom.

I... I just want you to be so, so happy.

You know that, right?

Jeanie, come back! Our bubble bath's almost done bubbling.

I gotta go. I'm so happy.

- Love you, honey. - Okay. See you tomorrow.

Here we go.

Ta-da!

I just got us a serious upgrade for next to nothing.

You're welcome.

But what about the trunk space?

And what is next to nothing for a rental car cost?

Don't worry about it.

I'm selling my house.

I'm about to be flush with cash.

Really?

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Be careful.

Queenie's in there.

You brought her remains?

I would never travel without her.

If you were dead, I'd bring you along, too.

Don't ever do that.

You couldn't stop me.

You'd be dead.

Mom.

We need a picture before we hit the road.

- Yeah. - Okay.

One, two, three.

And off we go.

♪ I have lived a lonely life ♪

Ooh! Mom?

- Yeah? - Do you have a hair tie?

Oh... hold on.

Okay.

- Let me... - Oh!

♪ Looking through the night ♪

♪ Looking for a light ♪

- Ah! - How's that?

Great, actually.

♪ Somewhere lost at sea ♪

- ♪ A feather on the breeze ♪ - Breeze...

Oh, I love this song!

- ♪ Carry me away ♪ - Away...

Oh, come on... dance with me.

Mom, I'm driving. Ten and two.

Oh, come on.

Okay...

♪ You keep me strong ♪

Woo!

♪ You give me hope ♪

♪ You... ♪

♪ You make me proud ♪

Oh, I think I swallowed a bug!

Ew.

This would not have happened if you hadn't insisted on getting a convertible.

Oh, honey, it's just a few bugs.

It's no big deal.

Oh, no.

- What's wrong? - I know him.

- That guy over there by the brown van. - Oh...

- Ex-boyfriend? - No!

He's just an annoying kid I went to high school with.

Wesley Darvin.

Mm...

- Hey, Wesley! - Mom, no!

- Yoo-hoo! - Stop!

Uh, hi. Do I know you?

I'm Alice Anderson's mom.

She actually wanted to say hi to you.

She's right over here.

Alice?

Oh, there she is.

Alice Anderson?

It's been a while.

- Hey. - Hey.

Hi.

Oh, wow.

She was just saying how cool she thought your van was.

Oh.

I've never accused that thing of being cool.

- It's, uh, very retro. - Yeah.

Well, we bought it off the guy who painted it in 1972.

- Ahh. All right. - Who's we?

- Girlfriend? - No, no.

My bandmate, Clive.

- Uh, I'm in a band. - Oh, wow.

We're on tour.

- And Clive's just in there. - Mmm.

Clive!

That's Clive. Yeah.

- Woo-hoo. - Hey.

He's, uh...

He's shy.

So you two are friends, huh?

- No. Not even a little bit. - Yeah.

Come on. You hated me in high school.

- I didn't hate you. - Oh?

I hated the way you were constantly trying to one-up me.

I don't think I ever tried to one-up you.

I think I just one-upped you.

And you still ended up valedictorian.

You were very...

driven.

Anyway, we should be going.

Oh, no. We have a few more minutes.

Keep catching up.

I'm sorry. I knew I recognized you.

Did you... did you come to school on a horse one time?

- Alice's 16th birthday. - Mm-hmm.

She wanted a car.

But I was dating a guy at the equestrian center,

and I thought, this is a pretty cool ride, too.

No-brainer.

We-we talked about that for a solid year.

Yeah, you guys didn't stop neighing at me in the hallways.

I have no recollection of this.

So where's your band playing next?

Uh, we've got a gig in Rochester.

So we thought, what the hell, let's pack up the van,

hit the road, see where the wind takes us, and we'll,

uh, we'll play small gigs along the way.

So you're going on a tour with only one booked gig?

- Yep. - Wow.

Not the overachiever I remember.

Well. Times change.

Well, that's pretty weird, because we're on the way to Buffalo.

- Mom. - So you two should exchange numbers.

- We don't have to... - That's a great idea, actually.

- Yeah, see? - Here, uh, my phone is dead, so...

An actual old-fashioned pen?

Wow.

Still carry one of those, huh?

Take that.

Um, just, uh, text me.

If only to get recommendations for awesome diners and pit stops along the way.

Uh, maybe we can grab a milkshake and you and I can reminisce

about the good old days of AP Physics.

Clive and I have done this route before, so...

You hear that, honey?

He's experienced.

Okay.

We're virgins.

We're leaving.

- Wow! - Let's go, Mom. Get in the car.

Um, and, uh, nice, uh, panty pony.

Very chic.

Oh! He likes your panties.

These are pantyhose in my hair?

Mom!

You have to go out with him.

He's so cute.

Me and Wesley Darvin?

No way.

Besides, he wasn't even asking me to hang out like that.

Oh.

I disagree.

I like him.

Yeah, you liking a guy is a red flag.

You know, Mom...

Once you get married, you won't be able to just...

meet cute guys and flirt with them anymore.

I'm getting married. I'm not turning into a nun.

Plus, Wayne and I aren't the jealous types.

Oh, really?

Even though he used to work in strip clubs?

You kinda left that part out

when you said he used to be in sales.

Oh, the past is the past.

And I am not judgmental about sex work.

Hmph. Really though, Mom?

Do you ever worry that...

I'm not concerned a bit.

Wayne and I have gotten through some very tough times.

Because we communicate.

Hey, Mom.

Take this freeway.

Are we going to Cheryl's?

It wouldn't be your bachelorette party if we

didn't go to see your oldest bestest friend, right?

Woo!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

I knew Cheryl was successful, but not like giant-mansion successful.

What did she do again?

Oh, she's the head of all product distribution of the Midwest.

- Wow. - Mm-hmm.

Oh my God, Jee-Jee.

I'm so glad you're here.

Oh. It's been way too long.

I know.

I mean, the last time I saw you, I think I still had my original eyelids.

Now I blink like a 22-year-old.

Oh.

Alice, you're all grown up.

Oh my God.

The last time I saw you, you were still in that

awkward phase that girls have when they're 13.

I was 17.

The world needs late bloomers. Mm?

I cannot believe that you're getting hitched, Jee-Jee.

- I know. - I mean, oh my God.

Okay. The only reason to marry a man

that fast, tight pants, from a fat wallet.

Or a fat something else.

Oh, honey, you have no idea.

Okay, ladies. You two.

You know, I just realized you're actually

like alternate versions of each other.

You met working together.

You both built wonderful careers.

Bought your own homes.

You've done a lot as independent ladies.

Mom, maybe you should be going into business again with Cheryl.

Your oldest best friend who you know and trust.

Hm?

I think our business days are over.

Aww.

Cher's like my big sister.

Aw, you calling me old?

Oh, and have your team of plastic surgeons come after me?

- Never. - You know me too well.

All right. Mm. Ladies, finish your champagne.

I got a little surprise.

- What? - What is that?

What is going on?

I'm like your fairy garden.

What is this?

Okay, don't look at any of the price tags, because I already bought 'em all.

Cher, this is too much.

Oh, pish posh.

I mean, you said you haven't bought a wedding dress yet

and, you know, I wanted to assist.

And, you know, help Alice.

Poor Alice over there.

Find some clothes that aren't so drab.

Drab?

You look like an HR lady.

But I am an HR lady.

Okay.

Where do we start?

Mmm, no.

- Oh? - Oh...

Ooh...

Hm?

No! I love it.

Turn around.

I like it.

Sorry if I'm hurting you.

Oh, please, honey.

After what you did to me when you were born, I can take it.

Hm.

This is fun, Mom.

Yeah.

We haven't had a girls' day like this in a long time, huh?

Well, we went to that winter matinee last year.

Oh, no.

Tax Evasion Garrett met us there.

No, that was two years ago.

Last year was Jobless Bob.

Oh. Yeah.

I haven't had the best track record with men, have I?

No, you haven't.

That's why I'm so glad that I met Wayne.

He's such a lovely guy.

Well, you look beautiful, Mom.

Agh, bad news, ladies.

Looks like the DEA are on their way.

Did she just say the DEA?

Yeah, this is not good.

Apologies for being such a rude host,

but it's probably best if you just hit the road.

You know, before the feds arrive.

Product distribution.

That's drugs.

She's a drug dealer?

That's how you're so rich?

And you two worked together.

Were you like Pablo Escobar?

Oh, no. We were very low-level back then.

Here's is for you. Just make a little wedding gift.

It was lovely seeing you both. I'll see you at the wedding.

- Okay. - Go on, honey.

- Mom. - You gotta go fast.

- Come on, Mom. - Faster!

It's okay.

You're going 90 miles an hour.

Well, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Cheryl.

Aunt Cheryl's like a... kingpin?

What?

That's funny you say that.

That D.A.R.E. program must have really worked.

Why wouldn't you ever tell me this?

Because I didn't think you'd ever understand.

Oh, I don't understand.

This is so irresponsible, Mom.

Oh, my God.

You could have gone to jail.

I mean, why would you risk it?

There's not a lot of jobs for young single mothers without a college education.

And I wanted a better life for you.

So I just worked until I could buy a house and get out.

And I don't regret any of it.

Whoa, Mom.

I guess I never really thought about it like that.

I mean...

it must have been really hard for you

all by yourself with a newborn and nobody to rely on.

- But you know what? - What?

Now I have Wayne to lean on.

My soulmate.

Uh-huh.

What's that smell?

89 bucks a night.

Okay.

I'm gonna go freshen up and see if there's a bar.

Yeah, good idea.

I'll change, too.

What? Why? You look so good.

I'm overdressed for a motel bar, no?

Well, at least let me give you something

of mine that kind of shows off the goods.

What makes you think I didn't bring

anything that shows off the goods?

Fine.

Thank you.

Oh, god.

Hi.

Is that Alice Anderson in a sexy black dress I see on my screen? Woo!

Is it too much?

It's so tight.

No, it's perfect.

I'm so glad that you're finally letting loose

and shutting off those "Girls Gone Mild" vibes.

Apparently we're going to a bar later.

I love that.

It's literally the last thing I want to do right now, but we're connecting, so...

It's a great idea.

You know, your choices should always

be bolder than your turtlenecks, Alice.

Deepak Chopra said that.

No, he did not.

But I get your point.

One drink can't hurt, right?

Ahh.

Wow.

I can feel the earth spinning, I think.

It's amazing.

That's what love feels like.

I'll take your word for it.

Honey... you've got to get out there and date more.

No. I watched you be heartbroken over and over for my whole life.

No, no dating.

Mm-mm.

You don't date because of me?

I didn't think you absorbed all that.

I mean... It's okay.

Oh, Mom. I'm okay.

I don't even need a man.

And I just always needed a man.

Ya think?

I...

Sorry.

I just mean...

Are you...

Are you sure you want to marry this guy you've only known for six days?

Yeah.

In Buffalo?

Why Buffalo?

You know I had a hard time growing up.

My parents...

I know, Mom.

Well...

One weekend...

We went to Buffalo.

And we had the best time.

Everyone was so happy.

It really felt like family.

Hmm.

So I was really sad when we were leaving and...

I saw this couple.

And they were getting married in the chapel.

And it was so beautiful.

And I just thought...

If I ever get married...

I'm gonna get married right here because...

Buffalo is just the happiest place on earth.

I want you to be happy.

But do you think this is gonna last?

Oh, I will.

Wayne isn't like any other man I dated.

He only wants what's best for me.

I promise.

You believe me, right?

I, um...

I believe we...

Need to ride that.

Yes!

- Come on. - Okay.

Jeanie: Get on her, honey!

- Yeah! Woo! - Woo-hoo!

- Okay... - Look at her go!

That's my girl! Oh, yeah!

Yeah! She gets her hips from me!

Ride that bull, honey!

Ride it!

She's doin' it! She's doin' it!

Whoa!

Oh! Honey! Alice! Alice!

Got you!

That's payback for the airport!

- Ooh. - Are you okay, honey?

- Yeah. - You sure?

Yeah. Hundred percent. I just need one sec.

Oh!

Oh! Boy!

I don't know what got me worse...

The booze or the bull.

Oh.

It's the booze.

Trust me.

Hey, we're really close to Columbus.

You know, some, um...

Fresh air might really help me... walk around.

Enjoy the beauty of Ohio.

Isn't that pretty far out of the way?

- No, it's... - Or did you plan a stop for us?

No. No plan.

Hey, Mom.

Could you go inside and get me a bottle of water?

Oh, and maybe a box of those mini gas station donuts?

Mini gas station donuts?

Yeah.

The ones with the powdered sugar all over them.

Oh.

Okay.

How did I raise you so wrong?

Okay.

This is gonna work.

I just need a...

reason to get us there.

Okay.

Just a quick...

Okay, come on, Alice.

You gotta do this, otherwise your mom is gonna get fondled by a strip club

con artist with produce for the rest of your life.

Ew!

Come on!

Lock in.

Ah!

Shit!

Ow!

Oh, no!

Oh! Honey!

- What's wrong? - I think I chipped my ulna.

Oh! Where's that?

It's my elbow!

Oh... Oh.

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna find the nearest doctor's office.

You bang your elbow and you run to a plastic surgeon's office?

What do you think they're gonna do, Botox the bruise?

Miss Anderson, I'm Dr...

Tim?

Jeanie?

- Oh! - My God.

You two know each other?

It's been a while.

- How are you? - Wow!

So, uh, you finally opened your own practice?

I always told you I would.

You went to Harvard Medical School?

Uh-huh, yeah.

After the Peace Corps, I realized my true calling was medicine.

Wow.

And what better way to help people than cosmetic surgery?

Because when you look your best, you feel your best.

I guess that is true.

Must be a nice paycheck too, huh?

Jeanie, it's so good to see you.

Um, wait, Mom.

Is this the Tim you dated when I was three?

That you said was the great love of your life?

Um, I might have said something like that.

Well, I mean, of course this was before Wayne.

Wait a second, who's Wayne?

My fiancé.

- Oh. Congrats. - Mm-hmm.

So much you two don't know about each other.

Maybe we should spend an extra day or two here and you and this Harvard-educated,

rich doctor with an excellent jawline.

Did you get that done?

Not my business.

You two could catch up.

Jeanie, I've missed you so much.

You!

I warned you.

Nancy! Oh, you look terrific!

He does great work!

Nancy, Jeanie just stopped in with her daughter.

Oh, my God! Mom?

I warned you!

Next time you come near my husband, it would be your last!

Your husband?

He is not wearing a wedding ring!

You are not wearing a wedding ring!

No! No, no, no, no, Nancy!

No! Nancy! No!

You're gonna hurt someone.

- Run! - Nancy! Nancy!

Oh, my God! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Oh, my God!

- Get in the car! - Oh, my god, Mom!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Don't even think about coming back!

That was insane.

It'll be fine.

How's your elbow?

What? Oh, better. Thank you.

I'm really sorry it made us go there.

Well, you know, it's not like you knew it was my ex's practice.

Yeah.

Small world.

It did seem like you two were kind of having a moment

there before we almost got murdered by his wife.

You know, it's funny.

I spent the last two decades fantasizing about Tim, you know, the one who got away.

Yeah.

Now I see exactly what was wrong.

Like that he's married?

Well, yeah, but also, he never stood up for me.

With Wayne, I always feel so supported.

Yeah.

Oh, shit!

I wasn't speeding. Will you hand me my purse?

I threw it in the back.

Oh my god.

Why is there cocaine in our car?

Because Cheryl is a very generous gift giver.

It's worth a fortune.

Mom, the cop is gonna see this.

And then I'm gonna go to prison.

I'm gonna go to prison with my mom.

Oh my god.

What are you doing?

- Oh my god. - Okay. Listen to me, Alice.

Men will do anything if you flirt with them in the right way.

It's our superpower as women.

Mom, I can't. I'm not like you.

Yes, you are.

You just have to do three things...

Use his name, laugh at whatever he says, and give him a look like this.

- I can't do that. - Oh, yes you can.

No.

I trust you. Love you.

No, I can't, mom. I can't.

Uh... Hi.

Officer Dinkleman.

Wow. Cool name.

You know why I pulled you over?

No.

Officer Dinkleman. I don't.

You got a busted taillight.

Well...

We hit a deer.

From the back.

Crazy, right?

I mean, what are the odds?

So funny. Not for the deer.

Oh, it's a powder explosion.

My daughter just loves those mini gas station donuts.

- Dinkleman. - Gross. No one likes those.

Oh, I do. They're my guilty pleasure.

Must have spilled them when we hit the deer.

If you promise to go to a mechanic, I can give you a warning.

Really?

Mm-hm. Safe travels.

Thank you.

I can't believe that actually worked.

So proud of you, honey.

We just have to work on your flirting face.

Why was the lip-bite too much?

Mm. I'd have given more cannibal than coquette.

- Okay. - I can take that feedback.

Speaking of coquette, we need to get this stuff out of here immediately.

- Mm. - Good call with the donuts, mom.

How'd you come up with that?

I still have few tricks up my sleeve.

- Yeah. - Come on. I'm hungry. Let's go.

Okay.

Is that... No, it couldn't be.

Don't I know you from... from high school?

Do you remember? It's me. Hey.

How are you here?

Oh, I just happened to be passing by my favorite pit stop.

Which is why I recommended it to your mother yesterday.

Oh, did you?

I thought it would be rude if I didn't text him after he gave you his number.

- Mm. - So, uh, seeing as you're here,

Clive and I are playing at a festival

nearby, so it'd be great if you two came through.

Oh. We have a lot of driving to do today, mother.

So, I just don't know that we have time.

Come on. It'll be fun.

You can leave immediately after we finish playing,

and I will play so fast, just for you.

- Sure. - Okay. Good. Okay. Great.

Woo!

Good. All right. Uh, Clive is waiting in the van,

so, uh, I will text you the address.

Okay. Great. Thank you very much.

- And, uh, may I? - Yep.

We'll see you later.

- Okay. - Woo-hoo!

- This'll be fun. - What are you up to?

Oh, come on.

- I can feel it. - Ah.

Unbelievable.

Oh, what great outfits.

No, this is not a music festival.

This is gonna be so much fun.

I always wanted to be a wench.

Oh, I like your cape.

Oh, my goodness.

What is over here?

Is this harvest stuff?

Woo.

Wow...

♪ On a cold and rainy afternoon ♪

♪ You found my pieces ♪

♪ Fighting back to life ♪

♪ Facially you're lifting me ♪

♪ From my arms... ♪

Look at those fingers go.

That's why you date guitarists and not drummers.

- Mom! - Never drummers.

Okay.

All right. Thank you very much.

That's been our time.

What? Mom? No. Mom.

I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna be a second.

Okay?

Hey.

Hey.

- That was great. - Thanks.

I mean, really, really great.

Thanks so much.

And thank you so much for coming.

Well, yeah.

We would certainly not forbear it, good sir.

Okay.

It's a little Renaissance Faire Shake... speare.

You know, we wouldn't have missed it.

And, uh, look, I know you said you had

to hit the road or whatever, but this is a...

really cool place and, uh, I don't know, did you

want to maybe take a walk, check it out and catch up?

I do, um, it's just we, well, we have a schedule

and I can't really abandon my mom.

- Oh. - Oh, oh, no.

How would I ever find shelter or ale without my daughter?

Well...

Honey, I know you think you have to take care

of me, but you don't because I'm older than you.

- Barely. - Mm-hm.

Why don't you kids go have some fun and make me a grandbaby?

- Mom! - Oh, come on, we're at a ren faire.

- Just go plunder each other's booty. - Please ignore her.

Wow.

Let's go.

Yes. Okay.

- Clive, is it? - Yes.

Come on, Clive, let's go find a cup of mead.

Yeah, okay.

Let's do it.

Let's see what you got, Katniss Everdeen.

Just give it a little...

Pull it back a little bit.

Pull back. You got this. You got this.

And...

Ha!

Not bad.

- Wait, same time, ready? - Uh-huh.

Okay, go. One, two, three.

Two.

Congrats.

Oh, your lap is so comfy.

Oh.

- I look like a princess. - You absolutely do.

Oh, yes.

Oh, ooh, ooh.

Woo!

Thanks for inviting me and my mom.

- Of course. - This is fun.

You two seem close.

I didn't mean to open up a can of worms like I'm so...

That wasn't a trick question or...

It's okay. My mom and I are a work in progress.

How so?

Do you want the real answer or...?

The real answer.

It's sort of like my whole life I have been her single mom.

And if I recall, your father wasn't around, right? Yeah.

- Mm-mm. - Sorry to bring that up.

It's okay.

You can't miss what you don't know.

Not that I have, like, crazy daddy issues or something.

I'm sorry, I've got bad news.

- What? - You are at a Renaissance faire.

On a date with a guy from a band.

You have got daddy issues.

Okay. Okay, I see your point.

- What? - This is a date, right?

Good sir.

I do not share a turkey leg with just anyone.

Okay, well, I'm very happy to hear that.

Now, if only we had some desserts, like a huge stack of mini-powdered doughnuts.

- You like those? - They're the best dessert easily.

- Top ten. - I know!

- They're the greatest. - Incredible.

- Top two. - My favorite.

And they're not two.

Wow!

And, just to put your mind at ease, I grew up in a household

with a happily married couple, and look how that worked out.

I live in a van, and my parents don't return my phone calls.

- Really? - Yeah.

I'm...

I'm so sorry, why?

I did the whole law school thing, got a great job at a great firm,

and I was miserable.

And one day I was going to work, and there

was a homeless gentleman playing some music.

I was so jealous that he got to sing, and I was stuck writing

NDAs for diaper companies.

So, I gave him all the money I had in my pocket, and I quit.

Wow.

That's how it happened.

- Mm-hm. - How about you?

I bet you're doing something amazing.

I was so intimidated by you in high school.

- What? - Yeah!

- You were? - Obviously.

Okay...

Brilliant. Creative. Beautiful.

I was shaking in my orthopedic sneakers every time you walked by.

Well, that is very sweet.

I'm going to disappoint you.

I don't think so.

I work in HR now.

It is very... whatever.

If you think it's "whatever," then you should do something else.

Like, quit my job and become a singer?

I'm just saying that you should go after whatever you want

because you are too amazing to settle for anything less.

What I want is to go back to your van.

Really?

Really.

Mm.

- Hm? - We fell asleep?

Mm-hmm.

Oh! Oh no! Hi!

- Hi. - I left my mom alone.

All night. Um... Okay.

Uh... Oh my god. I can't believe we did that last night.

I can't believe I did that last night.

Did... Did what?

Because there was...

We did a lot last night.

Wait. Um... My mother.

Um... When, uh... When can I see you again?

You want to see me again.

Yeah. Do you, uh...

Do you want to see me again?

Yeah.

Well, uh... How about, uh...

Just off the top of my head about a Buffalo, maybe?

- Oh? - Yeah.

You're gonna be there with your mom, right?

- Mm-hmm. - And we'll be passing through...

- Um... - Um...

The mailbox belonging to Jeanie Anderson is full.

Is full. Come on, Mom.

Okay.

- Hi! - Alice! Hi.

I have really big news and...

Hold on. Did you get laid?

- You're glowing. - Yeah.

Last night, a guy I went to high school with...

I slept in his van.

I mean, wow.

That is something that I would do, and that's not a compliment.

I know!

Well, listen, it's gonna be hard to be a groupie when they...

promote you.

What do you know?

I mean, I may have accidentally eavesdropped on a certain meeting

where they were talking about a director position, and you don't look excited.

No, I... I am. I just...

I'm just starting to wonder if I want to be in HR for the rest of my life.

Babe, I've been waiting for you to say that for two years now.

So you don't think I'm crazy if I pass on the promotion?

No, I don't think you're crazy, but speaking of crazy,

how goes Operation Wedding Crash?

I'm starting to feel so guilty, actually.

We're having so much fun together.

And I... I don't know, maybe she's not

this train wreck I always think she is,

or...

that she definitely used to be.

Okay, so you are sleeping in a van, prioritizing work-life balance,

and giving Jeanie the benefit of the doubt.

Who are you?

I don't know.

New Alice.

I can't wait to meet her. Bye!

Oh...

Hello?

She did what?!

No, I'm... I'm coming right now.

I know you're the professionals, but trust me.

It's circle, circle, flick, nibble.

- Blammo! - Ohhh.

There's our favorite inmate!

Oh, Officer Brent!

Hi, sweetie.

How are you?

Uh, not great.

You broke into someone's house and fell asleep on their couch.

- What were you doing? - I had to pee.

After drinking all day with Clive?

And the bathrooms were out of order.

So you broke into someone's house?

You're lucky the homeowners don't want to press charges.

Oh, you see?

So it's no big deal.

It is a big deal.

Breaking and entering is literally a big deal.

There are consequences for your actions. I mean...

I mean, not in this case, I understand, but normally in the real world.

Come on!

Okay, there's no need to be so dramatic.

I mean, it's not like anyone got hurt.

I got hurt.

I am hurt.

Do you not understand that worrying about you hurts me?

Worrying all the time, not knowing if you're okay, following you around,

cleaning up all of your messes.

I haven't had a day to be irresponsible ever!

I had one night of fun and you're in jail!

You think that's dramatic?

Alice, that's not fair.

Nothing about our relationship is fair!

Oh, my god.

I actually can't believe I thought things were changing!

Ha!

So, there's some paperwork that needs to be filled out.

Yeah, I'll handle it.

I always handle it.

Have fun saying goodbye to all your fancy new friends.

Ladies.

- Okay... - Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Also took the liberty of charging Mrs. Anderson's

cell phone for her after we used it to play Heads Up.

You played games in jail?

Your mom talked us into it.

We had a blast.

Bet there's never a dull moment with her around, is there?

No, there isn't.

Okay, I'll go grab her personals and bring her out.

Okay, thanks.

Uh... Hello?

Jeanie Bean!

Oh! Wayne, no, this is Alice.

My mom...

can't come to the phone right now.

Well, I've been calling her all night. Is she alright?

See, I gotta get her opinion on the location for Suds and Swig.

Huh? Suds and Swig?

Yeah, see, that's the business we're starting.

It's a laundromat that's also a bar.

Now, listen up. Get this. You ready?

Get your clothes washed while you get sloshed.

It's catchy, right?

Mmm, genius.

See, only thing is, she's gotta apply for the liquor license.

I can't legally do it.

Even though that "incident" was 30 frickin' years ago.

Wayne?

Yeah.

The reason my mom can't come to the phone

right now is because she met someone else.

I'm sorry. It's over.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on here.

That can't be.

You see, we're soulmates.

You know, we're two sunny bunnies and a honey hutch.

I understand that this is, um,

probably hard to hear, but, you know, she and, uh, Daryl are very much in love.

If you're...

Just so very happy together and she didn't know

how to tell you, because she does

really care about you, but the wedding is off.

I'm sorry. Goodbye.

Daryl!

Daryl!

What kind of name is Daryl?

I'll be a monkey's uncle.

Block.

Jeanie: Sweet freedom!

I've got your phone.

- Thank you. - Mm-hm.

Okay.

Let's see.

Okay.

Everything is here.

- We're all set. - Okay, great.

What is that?

It's Queenie. I told you.

You got her stuffed?

Well, I couldn't say goodbye to this wittle face.

Oh, no!

Has she been with you this whole time?

I told you that.

I thought you meant you were bringing her ashes!

Ew!

No!

Was she with us all day at the festival?

Well, I couldn't leave her in the hot car.

- That wouldn't be right. - Mom.

Also, the rental car would smell like formaldehyde.

Ew!

Oh, please put her away.

I feel like she's staring at me.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

- Aw. - Ugh.

Are you still mad at me, sweetie?

Let's just forget about it.

We have a long day ahead of us.

Hmm.

Mom.

Mom! Oh!

Hi.

Wait.

Where are we?

Come on.

You'll see.

We're here because it's a part of your history.

College is the chapter that you never got to finish.

Oh... I don't need to finish it.

Mom, your dream was to be a veterinarian.

No, and then I got pregnant with you and my dream became being your mom.

But I don't want you to give up your dream for me.

You could have both.

I spoke to the dean, and they offer continuing education classes for adults.

This could be your next chapter, Mom.

Honey, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I don't have that dream anymore.

And I don't have very good memories about this place.

Mom.

I know leaving here early was hard.

But you can come back.

You can do this. We're here.

Let's go in.

For me.

What if I run into some of my old classmates?

Mom.

Anyone you went to college with has either graduated, retired, or is dead.

Oh.

- Right. - Right?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Okay.

The dean of the veterinary school has office hours today.

Getting a brochure can't hurt, right?

Sure. We're here anyway.

Just right here.

Oh. Mom.

Mom.

Ohh... Can I pet your dog?

Okay.

Oh.

Dean Stevens.

Hi.

Are you a student at the school?

Oh. No. I'm not a student. Thank you though.

My mom used to be.

Hey. Mom.

Mom.

Come meet the dean.

Huh?

- Peter. - Jean?

Peter, I had no idea.

Oh, I see.

He brought her here for what?

- Guilt? More money? - No.

Let's not forget you're an adult.

A legal adult.

Alice. We need to go.

Jean, I gave you $10,000 to not be involved.

- We had an agreement. - Hey!

We don't want your goddamn money!

My mom raised me all on her own.

Bought us a house on her own.

Paid for my college on her own.

We don't need anything from you!

Come on, mom.

Come on.

I didn't want you to find out that way.

You didn't want me to find out at all.

Did you love him?

I really thought I did.

But then I got pregnant.

And I saw the real him.

You could have told me who he was.

Peter made it very clear that he didn't want contact.

Not ever.

So...

I just decided it was better to lie rather than make you feel unwanted.

I understand you wanting to protect me as a child.

But when I got older...

I didn't know how to tell you.

I had already lied for so long.

I just...

I just thought it was better to leave it alone.

Yeah.

I...

That makes sense.

Let's just go to a motel and call it for today.

I'm exhausted.

Sound good?

- Okay. - Okay.

I've tried Wayne six times and it still says it's not in service.

Hmph.

I mean, he does use a pay-as-you-go.

So, he probably just hasn't had time to get a new card.

Running around, getting ready for the wedding.

I mean, I can't believe that's already here.

It's tomorrow.

Yeah, me neither.

Okay, well...

I'll go take off my face.

Just kidding.

I'll keep it.

Mm.

- Night. - Night.

- I got it. - Okay.

I'm supposed to meet Wes at the Canal Park Overlook.

If you want to meet me there after.

Okay.

I thought I'd take pictures with Queenie by the water.

- Mm. - Try Wayne again.

His phone still isn't working.

And the wedding's in six hours.

But he'll be there.

I know he will.

So... Okay, well...

Go have fun.

Find Wes.

- Hey. - Hey.

- So happy you're here. - Oh, yeah.

I was starting to get nervous when I didn't get your text back.

- Oh, sorry. Uh... - You're good.

Where'd you park your van?

Just a few blocks away.

Why?

Well, let's go.

Hey. Wait. You okay?

Yeah. I'm fine.

- Come on. - Hey, hey, hey.

Don't get me wrong.

The thought of sleeping together again sounds incredible

but I thought maybe we could go for a walk first.

Talk. Hear how you've been.

Trust me. You don't want to hear about any of that.

- Of course I do. - Let's just... Come on.

Alice, stop.

Is everything okay?

No. It's not. My mom got arrested.

What?

Because I chose myself for one night and I hung out with you.

And I wasn't watching out for her.

Then I met my long lost father who it turns out is really a dick.

And my mom has actually known about him my entire life.

And chose to keep him a secret from me.

So, no, Wes, everything is not okay.

And I would just love to be distracted and go and have some fun, meaningless sex.

Because apparently that's a thing that I do now.

Meaningless.

I mean...

Please don't pretend to be heartbroken about it.

I know that's what men want.

Sex without commitment.

I'm... I'm in.

You got it.

That's not what I want.

Okay.

Tell me what you want.

Well...

Well, for starters, how about some clarity

with the girl I've liked since the ninth grade?

Maybe take her out on a real date?

See where things go?

Where are things gonna go, Wes?

I have a stable, regimented life in St. Louis and you live in a van.

Can we just let this fling be what it is?

Can it just be fun?

Is that clear enough for you?

Yeah.

Look, I'm not trying to hurt you.

I'm just trying to be realistic.

Are you?

Or are you just giving up on something before

you've even tried because you're too damn scared?

I'll see you around.

Hi, sweetie!

Hi, where's Wes?

Uh... He's gone, Mom.

I-I don't want to talk about it.

- Can we just go? - What?

- Please. - Oh! Wayne!

Honey, whatever I did, I'm sorry.

I just had to come see you.

How did you even find us here?

Well, we share locations on our phone, just like we share everything.

At least we used to.

Please, baby, just talk to me.

Look, we don't have to start a business.

Hell, we don't even have to get hitched today.

I just love you so much, baby.

I'll do anything.

Don't give up on us. Please, babe.

I'm just begging you.

I'm begging you, please.

You're the one who hasn't called.

I've been so worried, and your phone's not working.

What you talking about?

I called you 14 times yesterday.

Ever since Alice told me you found someone new.

And I'm going to tell you this right now.

I will fight this Daryl guy for your love, or form a... a... a throuple.

You told him I met someone else?

Wayne, can I have a minute alone with my mom, please?

Well, sure thing. Uh...

Okay, I'll be back.

I'll be back. Don't forget about me.

Don't forget about me.

Don't go far.

Mom, I'm so sorry.

I was only trying to protect you from yourself.

Well, lying to me is not protecting me.

Except for when you do it?

Do you have any idea how much it hurts me?

That you have known who my father is my whole life?

All those times I asked you?

I'm sorry, honey.

I know I made mistakes back then.

You're still making them, Mom.

And I am trying so hard to help you because I love you.

And I love you.

But you don't listen.

- Of course I do. - No, you don't.

I tried to talk to you about my concerns

about Wayne and you just brushed them off.

I planned this entire trip to try to get through to you.

To show you that there's a better path

for you than marrying some weirdo that you just met

whose boozy laundromat is gonna bankrupt you.

Alice! I know you don't support this.

But this is my life.

And you have to accept that I'm making good decisions.

All that's happened this week is that you're a magnet for bad decisions.

And I don't know that I have the energy

to keep helping you clean them up anymore.

Well, I'm not asking you to, honey.

Maybe you just like fixing my life so you don't have to live yours.

What?

You need to be the new Alice that I've seen

coming out of her shell this week.

You have to stop playing it safe.

- You have to have fun. - You want me to have fun like you?

Honey, I know I haven't always been the best mother.

And I wish I had grown up sooner so that you didn't have to.

But I have always done right by my daughters.

- And you and Queenie... - Don't

- Are just the light... - No, Mom!

This is not your daughter!

This was a dog!

This was a dog!

I am not a dog!

I am your daughter!

Queenie!

Oh!

Oh, my God.

Mom, I didn't mean to do that.

She threw a puppy into the river!

No, I didn't. Well, I mean, I did.

But it wasn't alive.

It was stuffed. It was dead before.

I... Oh, my God.

I can't do this.

Mom, I can't do this. I...

It hurts me too much to watch you throw your life away.

I have to go. I'm sorry.

Alice!

Hello.

Alice!

It's Cheryl.

When will you be here?

I'm not coming.

What?

You're the maid of honor.

I know.

Mom and I had a big fight, and I'm not coming.

Oh, my God. Listen.

I knew that she was eventually gonna blow up at you

for your mind-gamey, don't-get-married road trip.

Wait... She knew?

The whole time?

You're about as subtle as a yeast infection.

Jeanie told me about it, you know, when you two were here.

But she swore that it was all worth it,

but, you know, to spend all that time with you.

You're really not coming to your own mother's wedding?

No.

I-I don't know what to tell you, Cheryl.

I give up, okay?

I'm going to return the rental car.

I'm flying back to St. Louis.

I doubt she even wants me there anyway.

She loves you, you know?

She loves you more than anything.

♪ Give what I couldn’t give ♪

Uhhhh...

You know the movie "Cars?"

I know it's not real, but I think this one felt pain.

The-the good thing is...

I did get the insurance.

Hold on.

- I guess that's good. - I have it here somewhere.

Mm.

I actually need the car for one more day.

- I have to be... - Oh, no. I-I can't do that, miss.

Look at this thing. It's a liability issue.

That's okay. Just rent me something else.

- Please. - Oh, no.

All our other cars are booked.

All of these cars are booked?

You want another car?

Look at what you did to one of our best cars!

I know.

I know.

I know I did a bad thing.

I was kind of a bad girl.

But if you... if you could help me out, I promise you,

I will take such good care of her.

I just need her for just one more day.

Eh...

Keith?

- Keith, is it? - Uh...

This is a powerful name.

Yeah, it's Celtic.

Really?

It means "wood."

Celtic Keith.

So big and strong.

Could you please just be powerful for me and help me out?

All right.

I'm gonna have to run it by my boss.

Or...

Or...

We...

We could keep this between you and me.

- Oh. - Oh.

Oh. You like to party.

Yeah. I do.

Sometimes. I'm cool.

Thank you, Keith.

- Bye, miss. - Bye!

Oh, I gotta call Mom.

Hey, Mom!

♪ I have lived a lonely life ♪

Okay...

♪ A wave on broken ice ♪

Where?

♪ Looking through the night ♪

Oooh... no, no, no, no, no...

Damn it.

Oh! I should have listened to Keith!

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Ow!

There's my baby!

Oh!

Oh, I'm coming, Mom!

Oh, my god! You see this girl?

Oh, my girl! You look beautiful!

♪ To feel like I belong ♪

What?

♪ You make me proud ♪ ♪ You are my song ♪

Today, we join in marriage.

Jeanie Anderson and Wayne Fuji.

- Whoo! - Wayne, do you have the rings?

- Wha... got you... - Oh!

Put on your dainty little finger.

Do you, Wayne Fuji, take Jeanie Anderson to be your loving wife?

Hell to the yeah.

♪ I am not afraid ♪

♪ There is strength in change ♪

And do you, Jeanie Anderson, take Wayne Fuji to be your loving husband?

I...

Wait! Wait!

Alice, you're here!

- Yeah. - Wait!

To object?

No, I'm here to support. I'm sorry I'm late, Mom.

That's okay. You're here. That's all that matters.

I love you so much.

I love you too. I wouldn't miss this for the world.

I mean, how often does my mom get married?

Not counting the Belize.

I'm really sorry that I lied to you both.

I, um...

No, honey.

I'm so sorry I didn't tell you about your dad.

And for not realizing how much I put on you all those years.

Why don't we call it even?

Since I launched Queenie into the river.

Um, speaking of...

Apparently you can adopt a dog in Buffalo in five minutes.

Oh my goodness!

Who is this angel?

This is a wedding present and an apology.

I have filled out all of the adoption papers and paid all of the fees.

So all you have to do is name him.

I'm gonna name him Kingy.

- Okay. - Oh! Oh, I love him.

Thank you, sweetheart. You know me so well.

You're welcome. I love you, Mom.

Okay.

Okay.

Honey. What's wrong?

I'm sorry, Darlin', but... Sweetheart.

I apologize, but don't you remember at the retreat?

I told you that I was allergic to doggies.

I just thought that was a sick, dark joke.

Hold up.

Gather yourself, Wayne.

Here's the thing.

I'm gonna take the Benadryl.

I'm gonna take the Claritin.

I'm gonna even get the steroids.

If I can't get them, I'm gonna find them.

- Oh, yeah. - Because I love you.

I love you, and I'll do anything for you.

A puppy, a doggy, whatever you want.

I love you. Please continue, Cheryl.

All righty, then.

- Jeanie, do you take Wayne... - No, wait a second.

I cannot do this to this man.

I love you, honey.

Oh, Kingy, I'm sorry, but I love this human man so much.

And clearly, he would do anything for me.

Mm-hmm.

And I'm trying to be more responsible like my daughter.

So, Kingy, I'm gonna have to find you a new home.

No, no, no, I object.

Oh, no, not to this.

I just mean I'll take the dog.

Oh, Alice, you don't have to do that.

I got it.

New Alice, remember?

Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.

Look at me.

I'm a...

I got a dog.

Okay.

In conclusion, Jeanie Anderson, do you take Wayne Fuji to be your loving husband?

I do.

I do.

I do, I do, I do, I do...

And I pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss... er, okay. Kiss away.

Whoa!

Woo!

Mom!

Dream come true!

Dream come true!

Dream come true!

Let's party now!

Party! Woo-hoo! I love you!

Hey, there's my maid of honor.

- Hey, baby. - Hi.

Hey!

Who invited you? Haha!

Congratulations, Mom.

You look so beautiful.

Aw, thank you, honey.

Where's Kingy?

Oh, um, Aunt Cheryl said she wanted to take him for a spin on the dance floor.

Yeah.

Are you all right?

I know you didn't really want this for me.

Mom, I am so happy for you.

Truly.

I just...

I'm realizing that I want this too.

You want a wedding in Buffalo?

No. But love.

To be with someone who would do anything for me, like Wayne will for you.

It...

It's really special.

And I think I had a shot at it, but I got scared.

I don't want to be scared all the time anymore.

Wes was pretty special, huh?

Yeah, he was.

Well...

maybe you'll run into him sometime

and then you never know what will happen.

No, I'm pretty sure he hates me.

Hm.

I'm not so sure about that.

I hired them as the wedding band.

What are you waiting for?

- Go get him. - Yeah.

Hm.

- Hey, I know I was a jerk and I said... - Uh-huh.

- Some pretty awful things... - Yeah.

But I really, really like you.

And that's a little scary for me.

That never happens to me because I never let it happen.

I don't want to pull back this time with you, so...

Would you maybe give me a second chance?

We can...

see where this thing goes?

Yeah, it's a date.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Okay.

Woo!

Hi, Mom.

- Yup. - Yep.

Oh! Uh!

Who is it?

It's me, Mom.

- Woo! - Wow.

Hi.

What happened in there?

Oh, honey.

Marriage is bliss.

Mom, I'm so happy you're happy.

Is that Alice?

It's Alice, honey.

Hey! Hi!

Hi.

Can I have a moment with you right now?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

I am so psyched to be part of your life.

Thanks.

That's really sweet.

I'm really happy to have you in my life.

- Oh, thank you. - As my Wayne.

Really?

Yeah.

And, um, hey, for what it's worth, I actually

think your boozy laundromat is a really good idea.

Really? Why don't you come on in?

We'll order some grub.

We'll hang out.

Got a big screen TV.

Um, it's getting pretty close to checkout time, and...

Um, honey, I know we talked about flying back together.

You want to change the plan.

I do. I-I swear. I am gonna work on being more stable.

Mom, it's okay. I actually want to change the plan, too.

Uh, you do?

Yeah.

Um, last night, Wes invited me on tour with the band.

Just a couple weeks.

But I've never taken a trip that wasn't for work till now.

And I want to do something for me.

- Yeah. - And what about your job?

Well, I have my laptop with me, and if they don't like that,

I'm... okay with it.

Oh, honey, that is so irresponsible. I am so proud of you.

I'm gonna make you a promise. I will not put the house

on the market until you return.

Then, we will go through it all together.

And we can organize it or whatever your cute little type-A brain wants.

That really means a lot to me, Mom.

- Come here. - Oh, come here.

Oh, group hug.

Okay. Okay.

All right. I love you.

Bye bye! Woo-hoo!

Okay.

- You good to go? - Yeah.

- Hello. - You ready to go?

Hey, Clive.

You ready to go?

- Yep. - Okay.

Good. Okay.

- Let's go. - All righty.

So, Rochester's the next stop.

- What's after that? - After that, we play it by ear.

Cool. I love that. Just see where the wind takes us.

- It's killing you, isn't it? - 100%.

So, last night, I actually came up with a potential schedule.

It's really loose.

This is color-coded by hour.

No, no.

See, these two hours right here, those are scheduled, unscheduled free time.

You're insane. You know that, right?

Yeah, I get it from my mom.