Original subtitles

[Exclaiming]

Dale, your wife's a weather personality.

Does she have any idea when this drought's gonna end?

No relief in sight.

And that's straight from the a.p. News wire

to Nancy to me to you.

Well, stage 1 water rationing wasn't too bad.

I just cut out peggy's crystal light.

When we hit stage 2, I took away bobby's baths.

But stage 3 is killing my lawn,

and that affects everyone.

Bobby!

Have you lost your mind?

I've got a girlfriend now.

She expects me to smell a certain way.

Then suck it up and take a shower.

Eh, I don't like to stand that long.

Hey, uh...

j.j., how'd we do?

You're just at your weekly allotment.

Dang it! I scrimpe d and saved all week.

Why don't you get a couple of those new low-flow toilets?

They use about half as much water

and, uh, the water company is giving 'em out for free.

Well, I don't know. My toilets have given me

15 years of dependable service.

I'm not one of those guys who turns 40

and runs out and buys fancy new toilets.

(kahn) Check it out, hank hill.

Who got the green thumb now, hayseed?

What? How, in stage 3, could you...

. I use secret Asian watering technique

ah, come on. That's crazy.

Don't let my geniu s in mathematics

blind you to my mystical side.

I could spit in a thimble and water central park.

[Laughing]

Goodbye, toilets. Thanks for everything.

New low-flow toilets. Boy, this is exciting.

But I guess you guys are probably used to it by now.

Yeah, I'm used to it.

[Flushing]

?? [humming]

♪ Don't spit into the wind ♪

♪ you don't pull the mask off? ♪

What the...

[flushing]

Dang it.

[Flushing]

Still?

[Toilet flushing]

[People cheering on t.v.]

[Toilet flushing]

[Clearing throat]

. Heck of a game

so, uh, Peggy, uh, I'm just curious.

How many flushes was that?

A lady does not discuss such matters.

It was 6.

I'm averaging 4 myself, but I'm just a kid.

[Sighs]

This is crazy.

If you have to flush twice,

you're already using as much water as our old toilets.

But we're flushing 3, 4, 6 times.

We're not saving any water.

If anything, we are wasting water.

Ah, I'm gonna call the water company,

see about gettin' the high-flows back.

Uh-uh. I already called.

They take the old toilets, they smash 'em up

then dump them in the gulf of Mexico

to make an artificial coral reef.

(bobby) Mom, you needed 7.

That's it.

[Toilet flushing]

(bobby) Thanks for the help with the algebra homework.

Now, if you ever need help with your homework,

Sanjay owes me a favor.

[Clicking tongue]

[Grunts]

[Bobby groans]

So, was I 20 gallons over my limit,

or was it a cool 40?

Look, I already told you, it's $100.

It's a bribe, not a tip.

Ok. Ok.

. Best $100 I ever spent

so, this dirty money going for more steroids

or hair plugs?

I [Guffawing

just kidding.

Ah, you all right, jack lalanne.

[Engine running]

[Doorbell ringing]

[Exclaims]

Hey, what you doing?

. I'm here to take a bath

are you crazy? Get out!

Legally I can shoot you now.

With what? A water pistol?

You seem to have plenty of the wet stuff these days,

don't you, sir?

[Laughing nervously]

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

I use secret Asian watering technique.

Best $100 you ever spent.

[Exclaims]

What you want?

Baths and lots of 'em.

Oh, and I'm tired of.

. Climbing in and ou t of connie's window

from now on I'll be using the front door.

Excuse me. Where do you keep your good toilets?

Sorry. We don't stock the good toilets anymore.

Just the low-flows.

And even if I did have the high-flows,

it would be illegal to install them in heimlich county.

I which idiot made it illega

to install a working toile t in your own bathroom?

The board of zoning and resources,

ordinance 621-a.

? The board of zoning and resources did this

huh, I love their setback requirements.

(Nate) The motion to postpone item 25 until next week carries.

Any other business?

[Hank clears throat]

. Hank hill here

assistant manager, strickland propane.

May I first say what an honor it is

to be addressing this distinguished board.

Now, I recently installed

low-flow, uh, fixtures in my home.

Mr. Hill, uh, in order to even discuss this issue,

it would have to be on the agenda.

Ok. Then let's put it on the agenda.

Sir, only a member of the board of zoning and resources

can place items on the agenda.

But my toilets...

mr. Hill, your time is up. We appreciate your comments.

Uh, mr. Chairman, I'd like to remind the members of the board

that it is earl's birthday.

I move we wish earl happy birthday.

(ed) I second the motion.

(Nate) All in favor?

(board members) Aye.

The motion carries. Happy birthday, earl.

[Crickets chirping]

(hank) Then before I knew it my time was up.

. I never even got to mentio n the sorry state of my lawn

did you move to extend tim e for consideration of the pending question?

What? How'd you do that?

Hank, I am a veteran of p.t.a. Meetings,

both as a "p" and a "t."

And I have read the bible of parliamentary procedure

known as robert's rules of order.

Sounds like someone should run for mayor.

I mean, you are the smartest man in town, dad.

[Hank chuckles]

Well...

you know, there's nothing sayin'

I couldn't run for a spot on the board of zoning and resources.

Well, you can coun t on my vote,

. Assuming I agree with your platform.

I, hank hill, do hereby submit

this application

to be on the ballot for election

to the board of zoning and resources.

I will build my platform on thick, healthy lawns

made possible by efficient toilets

that don't waste water.

Ok, you're in.

You hear that, bobby? Your old man's on the ballot.

. There is no ballot

there's been an empty seat on the board for the past 4 years.

Congratulations. You're a board member.

We won!

No, bobby. Arlen won.

[Sighs] It's gone from "evergreen" to "amber mist."

Ashes to ashes.

We'd have so much more water for our lawns

if we didn't have that stupid toilet law.

I'm gonna use all the power of my position

to get our old toilets back.

They say power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Hank, can you introduce me to Madeleine albright?

People, people,

there are limits to our newly empowered friend hank's power.

He deals in simple county-level matters

like the permit I need to build my new fence.

Now, dale, first you need to write up your proposal.

Then you need to present it to the board for a vote.

And then democracy happens.

I get a new fence!

♪ Give me fence, lots of fence ♪

♪ hey, please fence me in, yeah! ♪

♪ Give me fence, lots of fence ♪

♪ please fence me in? ♪

(Nate) Motion to approve item 39,

the resolution to include in the city fee ordinance

the smart-growth incentives.

Second.

All in favor?

(all) Aye.

(hank) Aye!

Motion passes. Next order of business:

Mr. Dale gribble's request for a zoning variance.

Uh, in the interes t of impartiality,

I would like to pu t on the record

that dale gribble is a close friend and neighbor.

And I will add that I know hi m

r to be a good fat he

and a responsible citizen of arlen.

Well put.

Mr. Chairman, board members,

basically what I am envisioning

is a 12-foot, 10,000-volt, electrified

protective fence with guard tower. Thank you.

Dale, that is the single, dumbest...

all in favor?

You're makin' me look like a jackass.

[Sighs] All in favor of mr. Gribble's variance?

Nay.

(all) Nay.

Request denied.

You're dead to me.

Final order of business, item 41,

has also been put on the agenda by mr. Hill.

Chairman yields the floor.

Thank you, chairman has ha way.

[Clears throat]

1.6 gallons per flush per low-flow toilet.

Sounds pretty good, doesn't it?

But, unfortunately, in the real world,

, where things don't flush like they do in the movies

it can take 3, 4,

or in the case of my wife, Peggy hill,

6 flushes

to completely remove solid waste.

The fact is, these toilets are squandering more water

than they are saving. Thank you.

Mr. Hill, I want to assure you

that the board fully considered

all viewpoints, before approving ordinance 621-a.

See you all Wednesday.

Oh, what am I saying?

I'll see you Sunday at earl's party.

There's a party?

Hey, I know you.

Chair recognizes hank hill.

[Chuckles]

Seriously, hank, I want you to see something.

Because of the worsening drought,

we thought we'd swap these high-flows for a couple of water-savers.

So, um, why don't you take the old toilets,

be happy,

and we'll move on to the important business

of zoning and resources?

Well, that's mighty nice of you, Nate,

but that would be breaking the law.

So, until I get that law revoked,

I'm gonna have to say:

"Not yet."

You're a real boy scout, aren't you, hank?

Made it to eagle. Good night.

[Murmurs]

Mr. Gribble.

[Yells]

Ah, don't sneak up... ah, uh, I almost...

oh, I'm sorry.

I hear you're hank hill's neighbor.

I... I just want to talk to you about a little piece of business.

Go on.

Mr. Gribble, we're both adults here...

. (hank) Oh, no

what are you doing?

Well, I was listenin' to your mother

tell me about her day.

. And then it hit me

freezer shavings. They're made of water.

[Blowing]

Oh, look at all the frost

inside this box of fletcher's corny dogs.

Thank you, Jesus.

[Crickets chirping]

I [Alarm beeping

[groaning]

[Tap squeaks]

[Grunts]

Hey, mcnugget! What the hell you doing?

Shh, my dad will hear us.

You're breaking our agreement. My bribe not big enough

to cover your bath, my slip 'n slide, and your father's lawn.

Something gotta give, and it not gonna be my slip 'n slide.

And it's not gonna be my dad's lawn.

Forget the baths.

. Done. And you can forget your front-door privileges

all right.

All right.

[Speaking Laotian]

Come on, bobby. You slept through the bus.

Sweet saint augustine!

[Gasps] It worked that fast?

Yeah. How about that?

I was hoping those freezer shavings would work,

but between you and me, I had my doubts.

[Car door shuts]

Hmm. That's a handsome lawn.

Well, your Raleigh saint augustine

is a real deep-rooted sod.

And it takes a pretty picture, too.

(Nate) These were taken over the last several nights

by a private investigator.

If I'm not mistaken, that's your boy

violating the water-rationing laws

with your neighbor's hose.

Bobby?

Don't worry. I'll keep your secret, unless, of course

you want to keep pushing that toilet issue.

I idolized you!

[Sighs] Bobby, you stole water.

You violated both the letter

and the spirit of the water-rationing rules.

Dad, I didn't steal the water.

Mr. So up ha no us in phone let me have it.

Don't lie to me, son. Kahn hates my lawn.

No, it's true.

. I mean, I had to blackmail him

blackmail?

[Sighs] Mr. So up ha no us in phone started it.

I caught him bribing the meter reader guy.

Oh, god! J.j., too?

But, dad, I saved your lawn.

I don't have a lawn, I have a crime scene.

And that grass is getting the death penalty.

No more water.

[Birds chirping]

(bobby) Dad, guess what!

I just took a 30-second shower.

And I'm gonna dry myself off on the lawn.

[Grunting]

. The lawn's dead, bobby. You're just makin' mud

(dale) Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Here, kitty.

[Sighs] Dale, you can't build that fence.

You need a variance.

Variance-schmariance, puddin' and pie.

Signed by Nate has ha way?

Where'd you get that?

Stop interrogating me. I'll never crack.

What are you talking about?

All right! I did it!

I took the photos of the illegal lawn hydration for has ha way.

What? You sold me out for a stupid fence?

. You bet I did. I'm so ashamed

here. Tear it up

if that empty gesture will make you feel better.

[Gasps]

Hank, you're alive to me.

Call me.

[Panting]

[Bobby grunts]

Connie?

?? [playing violin]

[Grunts]

[Groans]

Hashaway.

Dad, I found out somethin' about has ha way

that you could use against him.

Bobby, you keep your dirt.

I've got enough where my lawn used to be.

Dad, listen.

I was climbing through connie's window, and then I...

the window? Your mother said kahn was lettin' you use the front door.

He was.

But I gave that up to water your lawn.

[Gavel pounding]

This meeting is called to order.

Sorry I took so long.

I went to powder my nose.

It took 8 flushes.

Oh. This has got to stop.

(Nate) First item of business.

Uh, oh.

Well, it's our old friend's proposal

to repeal ordinance 621-a.

I believe mr. Hill now wants to rescind his proposal.

No, sir, I do not.

You see, the envelope in front of mr. Hashaway there

contains photographs of my son

watering my lawn with stolen water.

I accept full responsibility

and after tonight's meeting, I will resign my position.

But why is Nate has ha way fighting so hard

to keep low-flow toilets?

Because his company, has ha way fixtures,

is the exclusive supplier

of low-flow toilets to the water company.

That's right. He makes money off 621-a.

And that's why I move that we vote to overturn it.

I second the motion.

All right. Call for a vote.

(all) Nay.

What? But these toilets he's selling, they don't work.

Well, I don't own one personally.

Never even used one.

But I've known nat e for 18 years.

, and if he says these low-flows are good for arlen.

. I'm inclined to believe him

it's 5-to-0 against you, mr. Hill.

How do you vote?

[Sighs]

I vote...

. (Peggy) Hank, wait

ok. Until you say "aye" or "nay,"

. This vote is not final

and any member who leaves before it's final,

forfeits their vote.

. It's all right here in robert's rules of order

so they can't leave. So what?

, so, eventually

they will have to go to the bathroom.

The low-flows.

Hank, I have 2 years' wort h of my musings columns

in my purse.

Start reading. Do not let up.

Mr. Hill, do you have the floor?

Yes, I do. But before I vote,

I think it's important to read these things to, uh, you.

[Clearing throat]

"You know it's autumn when the leaves are leaving

and the pine needles are sticking around."

[Laughing]

Sorry. Go on.

Oh, god dang it! It's a filibuster.

[All chattering]

"I'm tired of reading negative stories

"about today's youth.

You might say I'm on an all-pro-teen diet."

I'm not Ieavin'. I'm just goin' to the john.

Be my guest.

"The people who say

"you can't make an omelet without cracking eggs

"are always pretty hard-boiled." huh.

[Toilet flushing]

Mr. Hill.

[Toilet flushing]

"They say time flies.

"But with the way the airlines are going these days,

maybe time should take the bus."

[Toilet flushing]

That's right. The bus.

"They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away,

"but if you don't go to the doctor for regular check-ups,

"you're bananas." No.

"Both people and rivers make deposits..."

This is just sadistic.

I wouldn't go in the john.

I'll use the ladies'.

Too late. Somebody already broke it.

Nate, those low-flow toilets are junk.

I'm voting with hank.

Me, too. I'm not sure I can even make it home.

You're a bunch of babies.

I'm changing my vote.

Same here.

Fine. Have it your way, you do-gooding phonies.

I hope you all rot in hell.

See you next Tuesday.

It looks like Nate forfeits his vote.

I vote yes.

The repeal of ordinance 621-a passes, and I quit.

[All sigh]

Way to go, dad! You did it!

From now on

no one will flush a toilet in this town.

. Without thanking hank hill

yeah. Well, it was still worth it.

[Toilet flushing]

(hank) Still?