Original subtitles

[Ducks quacking]

[Screaming]

[All exclaiming]

[Exclaiming]

[Giggling]

[Sighs]

Shouldn't she be wearing a life vest?

No.

[Luanne continues screaming]

[Birds chirping]

Here we go.

[Both laughing]

[Car horn honking]

Let's go, kahn jr.

I'll see you later, bobby.

Wait, I can ride home with you.

We could sit in the back and hold hands.

Maybe next time.

My mom's got this new moisturizer I've been sneaking.

Very smooth.

My hands are still pruney.

It wouldn't be fair to you.

What?

You still haven't told the m we're dating.

It's not you, bobby. It's just...

my dad has his heart set on me going out with chane Wassanasong.

Who whatsanonsom?

Chane. He's Laotian.

But does he make you laugh?

You are getting sleepy. Sleepy.

You will tell your parents about us,

and you will quit smoking.

[Car horn honking]

[Giggling] I'll tell them. I promise.

[Car engine starting]

I??[humming

son, why is there a towel on your head?

You, sir, are getting sleepy.

From now on you will buy only brand-name cola.

[Sighs.

Just go change

hey, boomhauer!

Peggy won't let me in her car.

Can I go home with you?

No way, man.

You know, dang old last rays, man.

No sun on the dark side of the moon, man.

Go home with gribble.

Ok.

Call me later if you wanna talk about how much fun we had today.

[Both gasp]

[Both scream]

[Sighs]

[Both screaming]

Bobby, have you seen luanne?

No, she's my cousin.

I'm gonna ride home with Joseph.

Oh, man! What'd she look like? Come on. Come on.

. I don't wanna think about it

she's got big boobs, doesn't she?

Yes. I knew it.

Luanne is practically my sister.

I'm not supposed to see her in that state of affairs.

I just gotta get that picture out of my head.

Put it in my head. Tell me everything

was she wearing high heels?

She wasn't wearin' anything.

Oh, man.

I'm gonna picture her in high heels.

[Sighing]

[Birds chirping]

[Dog barking]

[Car alarm wailing]

[Mumbling]

I got dang old...

huh?

Uh-oh.

Hey, bobby,

uh, I thought we could walk to school together today.

We walk to school together every day.

And we don't leave for another 20 minutes.

I can't go back home.

My dad already armed the perimeter.

Hey, luanne.

Hi.

[Sighs]

[Both laughing]

[Dog barking]

Hey, man.

What you looking at, man?

[Mumbling]

[Horn blaring]

[Car tires screeching]

Hey, man. What you doin', man?

In a bad way, man.

What you gonna do without no flip-flops, man?

I don't wanna cross the street like on dang hot coals, man.

Dogs barking like a dang old chicken

runnin' around with his head cut off, man.

Head cut off.

Oops.

So, I'm walking to my truck and bam!

Right into a spider web.

[Chuckles]

I sneezed for a half an hour.

My class was canceled and the library was closed

[giggles]

I love college.

(Joseph) Hey, bobby.

I thought I'd come over and help you with your math homework.

We're kind of in the middle of dinner right now.

I'll wait.

Hey, luanne.

Yeah, hi.

Patient exhibiting classic signs of schizophrenia...

I wake up and I'm sunburned and I don't, like,

don't dang know where I am, man.

Possibly a threat to himself and others.

And go home, man. What do you say?

Recommendation: 72-hou r involuntary commitment

oh, dang.

Ok, boomhauer, you win.

I promise not to tell hank. What?

You're where?

The booby hatch?

Wait. The gentlemen's club or the mental hospital?

Oh, my god!

There must have been some kind of misunderstanding.

Oh, there was?

I'll be right there.

[Kissing]

Oh, come on, where you goin'?

I'm not leaving without my kiss.

I can wait.

I can destroy you.

"Mrs. Johnson's bag has 6 puppies,

and mr. Peterson's bag has minus 4 puppies."

(luanne) Good night, uncle hank, aunt Peggy.

She's goin' to bed

maybe I could see her naked when she's changin'.

I wish you could get that excited about my math homework.

Goin' to bed, luanne?

Nope.

First I got to shower.

[Exclaims]

Joseph, my parents are right down the hall.

Why don't your doors have keyholes?

You're really startin' to creep me out.

Now, go home.

[Gasps]

Bobby, it's perfectly natural to want to see a woman naked,

but I am your cousin.

Now, the first time was an accident,

but if I catch you again, you are going to hell.

. Are you crazy? We're gonna get caught.

. I could go to hell

I can't help myself.

I got a monkey on my back and it wants to see luanne naked.

Ok. One quick look and then you go home.

[Joseph exclaims]

(Joseph) I can't see anything. It's all fogged up.

Too bad. She likes hot showers.

Does she?

Give me those.

[Grunting]

[Thuds]

[Screaming]

Joseph?

Uh-oh.

(Connie) Bobby?

Bobby.

Hey, Connie.

How dare you, bobby?

Peeping at me is bad enough,

but bringing your friend over to scope me out, too?

Connie, please, you don't...

is this what you're looking for?

Is this what you came to see?

Well, take a good look, you pervs.

You disgust me.

Honest, Connie, we weren't looking at you.

We were looking at...

birds.

Birds?

Joseph and I were lookin' at birds.

We were bird-watching.

At night?

You know a better time to see an owl?

Or, uh...

bat? A... a bat?

You're not only a pervert, you're a liar.

I'm a liar?

Have you told your parents we're dating like you said you would?

No. And maybe now I don't have to.

Maybe you don't.

Maybe I don't.

Oops!

Hey, look.

[Owl hooting]

Ok, smoking break's over.

Last one inside loses internet privileges.

[Birds chirping]

[Mumbling]

(dale) Hey, you, crazy guy.

I'll give you a smoke if you trade clothes with me.

Boomhauer.

Man, that dang about time, gribble, man.

Man, old hit the road, man.

Infiltration of mental hospital complete.

. Proceed to phase 2.

. Exfiltration of mental hospital

[dale grunting]

Apparently, this door.

Has some sort of anti-opening device

[groans]

[Metal rattling]

I don't remember my locker combination.

Connie keeps track of that kind of stuff.

She's still icing me out,

trying to get me to crack.

You can't tell her the truth.

? What are you gonna say

you let me cop a look at your naked cousin?

Oh!

Hey, Connie.

Bobby.

Come on, baby. Don't be that way.

Why don't you come over tonight?

I got a new laser pointer.

Sorry, bobby, I have plans.

No, wait.

I'm not sorry.

Which is wh y so many people

are suddenly allergic to peanuts.

S the peanuts ar e emitting toxin

as an evolutionary defense mechanism.

. They're tired of being eaten

and now they'r e fightin' back.

I see.

Anyhoo,

I just stopped by to pick up my buddy boomhauer.

. You see, we're bot h in here by mistake

now, I can't vouch for boomhauer,

but I am most definitely not crazy.

Go on.

Did you just say, "go, mom"?

Now who's the crazy one?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Did you try telling them you're not crazy?

Uh-huh.

No, I don't see any reason why hank has to know.

Can I tell boomhauer?

No. Ok. I'll be right there.

[Laughing]

[Sighs]

[Car horn honking]

Connie soup ha no us in phone, meet chane wassanasong.

[Exclaims]

You are much more beautiful than your picture led me to believe.

What picture?

I sent him picture. So what?

. Go have great time

chane, maybe we can sit in the back seat and hold hands?

[Gasps]

[Whimpers]

Now, I know this I s gonna sound crazy,

pardon me, insane,

but 2 of my best friends.

. Have been accidentally committed to this nuthouse

I'll get the doctor on call.

Just don't let anyone touch my scissors.

Hmm.

Mmm.

Man, I can't take it anymore.

Talk about that old crazy roommate.

Trying to get me to swallow my dang old tongue, man.

Hold that thought. I think I hear bill.

It's just that in the alley

no one cares what I have to say,

but here I feel heard and accepted,

. And, dare I say, loved

ping pong? Yo.

[Door creaking]

(bobby) Have a nice time?

Bobby?

Did he win that for you at the carnival?

No, um, chane collects them.

But uh, otherwise, he's the man of my dreams and I'm going to marry him

you can't.

Why not?

Oh, all right.

We weren't bird-watching. We were peeping.

Now call off the wedding.

Well, thank you for finally telling the truth.

Yeah, but we weren't peeping at you.

I accidentally saw luanne naked at the river,

and I told Joseph,

and he got jealous 'cause he's in love with her.

So then he wanted to see her naked,

and I said ok, but just for a little,

and then you caught us.

So you weren't peeping at me?

You got to believe me, Connie.

I would never peep at you.

Never ever.

I guess I shouldn' t be surprised.

I mean, who would want to look at me when they could look at her?

I would.

Not through a window or anything,

but in the same room together.

I mean, you are my girlfriend, aren't you?

Yes.

Well, that's what boyfriends and girlfriends do.

They take off their clothes and then they look at each other naked.

I guess.

Sure they do.

I mean, don't you want to see me naked?

Ok.

Oh, really? Hmm.

[Titters]

Well, if you don't want to... no, it's... t-tell you what.

Um, maybe we could just start with our shirts, you know?

What's the rush? We got our whole lives ahead of us.

Ok. You first.

[Sighs]

Ok.

You've got a pretty body.

Thank you.

Here goes.

So, how was date with chane...

[exclaims]

Kahn, what's going on?

[Exclaims]

(kahn) Oh, my!

Repeat after me.

Bobby hill is not your boyfriend.

Chane wassanasong is your boyfriend.

No, he's not.

Chane wassanasong is your boyfriend.

Mom, we had one date.

I don't even like... chane wassanasong...

chane wassanasong is a boring know-it-all

who only talks about himself and cheats at miniature golf.

I don't want to date him.

I want to date bobby.

You think that boy have future?

That not baby fat. That permanent.

. Kahn jr., you leave me no choice

you are grounded.

Bobby hill is not allowed on my property

[scoffs]

(Joseph)First you cop a look at luanne,

then you see Connie naked?

Man, when did you become such a player?

I didn't see Connie naked.

I only saw her bellybutton.

How is it? Incredible.

But I'll never see it again.

Connie's grounded

and when my dad hears about this,

he's gonna ground me, too.

You'll be stuck in the house all day with luanne?

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

??[humming]

We gotta get out of here.

The smokin' breaks are too short,

the food is good at best,

and the antidepressant s are making my mouth dry and happy.

Can I get some glitter, please?

Why don't we just call hank?

No.

Hank must never know we were in here.

Our society stigmatizes the mentally ill.

And rightly so. These people are nuts.

If we're ever gonn a bust out of here,

we'll need our wits about us.

So, from now on, no more taking pills.

We'll save them up and the n sell them to the guards.

And with that money, we'll buy a rope.

Man, what're you talking about?

Stupid plan never gonna work.

? Oh, really? You have a better idea

yeah, man. I tell you what. About every day about 2:15, man,

that old laundry truck, man.

Come on in on coffee break, all do, nothin' to it, man.

[Laughing]

That is the worst plan I have ever heard.

But this is a democracy, so we'll put it to a vote.

All in favor of boomhauer's plan?

I must admit I am surprised by the results.

I figured I had at least my support.

Well, what are you gonna do?

[Birds chirping]

[Sighs]

[Scraping]

Hey, kahn, I thought I heard someone mixing concrete.

Oh, that's right.

I'm building fence, big fence, 8 feet tall

between your house and my house.

8 feet, huh?

Yeah, you see, kahn,

"in this neighborhood side fences have to be 5'6" or under.

It's not in the code or anything,

it's just somethin' I'm trying to enforce.

You really want to help me, hank hill?

You keep your dirt y little boy's hands

off my innocent, genius daughter.

Now, what's that supposed to mean?

Last night I catch bobby half-naked in connie's room.

Bobby?

Truth about your little bo y not so pretty after all,

is it, hank hill?

He girl-crazy sex fiend.

That boy's gonna get a talking-to, I tell you what.

[Chuckling]

[Sighs]

[Groans]

[Grunts]

[Grunting]

Ron.

[Fire alarm ringing]

[All yelling]

Ok, man. Come on, move. Move. Move.

[Grunts]

[Dale yelling]

[Bill yelling]

(dale) How did they find out about this?

Uh, I might've mentioned something in group.

[Screaming]

Don't take the dang old...

[screams]

[Groans]

First one to regain consciousness

calls hank.

All right. I just spoke with your doctor.

Boomhauer, you were kept for the mandatory 72 hours

and since you don't seem to be a threat to yourself or others,

you're free to go.

All right, man. Dang old hank, man.

Uh, dale, you were never actually admitted, so you're also free to go.

But, uh, the doctor thinks.

That you should keep on takin' your medication

[grunts]

Easier to swallow.

And, bill, the doctor says

that since you checked yourself in voluntarily,

you can leave whenever you want.

Yeah, I know, but I... I think I'll stay a few more days.

I'm makin' some real progress here.

Bill, just get in the truck.

No!

I learned in group that I sacrifice my feelings too easily

my feelings are valid, hank. I'm valid.

Oh, I made this for you.

You will call chane wassanasong.

. And apologize for not calling sooner

here. I wrote out Laotian chitchat for you.

Make sure you use honorific verb form.

[Giggling]

Oh, you think this is funny?

Not many Laotian boys in arlen.

Don't piss this away.

[Laser light beeping]

[Exclaims]

[Laughing]

Go ahead. Try to sneak into my daughter's room now.

Stupid redneck.

[Whispering] Bobby. Bobby.

Connie. Come down here. I miss you.

I can't move or I'll set off my dad's security light.

Don't move.

[Car approaching]

[Gasps]

Dad, w-what're you doin' here?

I was just gettin' the guys out of the insane asylum.

? What're you doin' here

[sighs]

The, uh, 10-footer ought to do it.

Th-the middle one.

Hurry, bobby.

[Screaming]

[Kahn cursing]

I know a couple of those words.

I better go. Bye.

I see you. Kahn see everything.

You know, you're not too big to be spanked,

you dirty little hillbilly.

Aunt Peggy, mr. Kahn saw me naked.

Oh, man.

(dale) Did you just say, "go, mom"?