Original subtitles

[Theme music]

[Computer beeping]

[Vacuum cleaner whirring]

Shoot.

Okay, no problem.

The exclamation point is a crutch anyway.

Maybe that's a clever musing.

Mom, I'm home from school. I think I'm gonna soak my feet.

Tough day, Bobby?

- We got this new sub who... - What's her name?

- Mrs. Donavan. - Donavan?

She has been out of the game for three years...

getting her Master's degree or something.

Why would they pick her instead of me?

- Maybe it's alphabetical. - No.

That was struck down in Zackare ll a versus State of Texas,

Just like Donavan to swipe my gig.

Meantime, I am stuck here all day, grunting out musings for 10 cents a word.

Plenty of room in the soak bucket.

MAN: [Singing] I don't know, but I've heard sa Id.

PLATOON: [Singing] Russky's ass I s m I ghty red.

MAN: I don't know, but I've been to Id.

PLATOON: S I tt I n'Bu ll's ass I s m I ghty co Id.

[Exclaims in shock]

[lntense instrumental music]

That flag's getting awfully close to that fire for my comfort...

and for the flag's.

Pursuant to United States Code...

Title 36, Section 176 K:

"When a flag becomes faded and worn, it is burned with honor."

That's the flag I saluted for the last 20 years.

I was hazed under that flag.

I was married under that flag.

[Fire crackling]

[Solemn instrumental music]

Permission to give this flag a loving home, sir.

I will raise her every morning at dawn. I will lower her every night before dusk.

- I will store her... - Do you have a 90-foot pole?

I got a 40-foot pole, sir.

I'll go to Home Depot, sir.

MRS. DONAVAN: I have your essays,

Normally, I try not to give too many "A's"...

but this time, it didn't really come up.

[Groans]

[Bell ringing]

[Students chattering]

You wanted to see me, Mrs. Donavan?

No, I just wanted to confirm that you can read.

[Exclaims sadly]

An "F" in English? Bobby, you speak English.

Hank, it is not entirely Bobby's fault.

That Donavan has had it in for me...

ever since I was assigned the parking space under the tree.

She hates me, and is just taking it out on you.

No, this is not an "F" paper.

- It is a solid "D." - What does it matter?

Mrs. Donavan's making me come up with a new topic...

and she'll probably give me another "F," thanks to you, Mom.

[Marching-band instrumental music]

[Marching-band instrumental music continues]

BILL: It's magnificent.

[Bobby moaning]

[Flag flapping]

[Bobby exclaims in surprise]

Wind. No, flag.

Mom, Dad, I finally picked my essay topic.

"Why Bobby Hill Loves America."

I'd like to see your teacher give an "F" to the U.S. of A.

Hank, that woman could fail ice cubes to the Eskimos.

- How's it going, honey? - Not so good.

[Bobby sighs heavily]

Mom, do you have trouble getting started when you write your musings?

[Laughing]

No, not at all. I just sit down, and I write what I feel.

I Peggy Hill the heck out of it.

Okay. We're going to need an opening line...

one that's gonna grab people's attention.

[Exclaims pensively]

Anything.

[Exclaims excitedly]

How about:

"U.S.A. stands for United States of America"?

That's crappy. I'm gonna get another "F."

With that attitude, and a poorly written essay, yes.

You have got a great attitude, Mom.

You could probably write a great essay.

Only because I am a professional writer.

Now, let's see.

How about something like:

[Peggy gasps]

"If you take the 'U' out of U.S.A., what do you get?"

"'S.A.' An essay that will explain to you..."

"Why Bobby Hill loves America."

Mom, you are on a roll.

[Laughing]

Get me a soda.

[Light country instrumental music]

[Peggy laughing]

PEGGY: Oh, Peggy.

[Students chattering]

[Bobby gasps]

What are you doing here? You're not teaching today.

No, I was not asked to.

I just thought I would stop by and see if Mrs. Donavan...

got a chance to grade your essay. Did she?

- Hello, Peggy. - Peggy.

Listen, my son wanted me to ask you if you got a chance to grade his essay.

No, I haven't had a chance yet.

A quick turnaround when marking a student's paper...

is the most important rule of teaching.

Yes. I wish I could stay and chat...

but I've got to teach a class. And you?

I could stay and chat.

[Exclaims in surprise]

Bobby, may I have a word with you?

Honey, Bobby, you forgot your pencil this morning.

- As did I. - I'm glad you're here.

I was just about to return your son's essay.

- Wow, an "A"! - Yeah.

So, just an "A"? Not an "A" plus?

You have to tell me how you came up with that opening line.

I'm gonna be honest with you, Mrs. Donavan.

I was stuck. So I went to my...

All I did was...

That came to me while I was taking a bath.

I find my best ideas come to me...

while I am soaking in the tub...

sipping on a cup of cocoa.

That's very interesting...

because when I am stuck on a musing column...

what I like to do is find someone helpful to bounce ideas off of.

That's not really my style. What works for me, see, is the cocoa.

That's because you're a writer, Bobby.

Your mother's just a muser.

It looks like the torch has been passed and it has finally been lit.

[Bell ringing]

PEGGY: "Credit where credit is due..."

"Is not just a phrase for bankers and lawyers."

Good, but not great.

Why don't you just get Bobby to help you?

He got an "A," Aunt Peggy. Let's be honest.

When was the last time me or you got an "A"?

May 24th, 1974.

I find that adverbs are overrated...

and that your adjectives are your go-to guys.

There's my little Shakespeare.

We got a pep rally coming up...

and I want you to read that essay of yours to the children.

All right, I'll do it for the children.

Hank, take a look at these and tell me I'm not crazy.

"My Husband's Love Affair With Beer..."

"And Why I'm Not Jealous."

- I do like beer. - I thought it was great, too.

But apparently, the arts editor of The Ar I en Bystander...

thinks people are much more interested in celebrity birthdays...

- than in reading my musings. - They stopped running your musings?

Hank, they think the public doesn't care what is on my mind.

Don't give up.

Look at Bobby. He got an "F" and bounced right back.

This is like an "F" for you.

All you need to do is find a good topic like Bobby did...

though I wouldn't go near the flag.

Bobby's pretty much written the final word on that.

- I wrote Bobby's essay. - What?

No, that flag inspired Bobby to greater heights.

- It was all me. - You wrote the whole thing?

He has never even thanked me. Not once.

Would it kill him to say to people, "My mom helped me with that line"...

or, "My mom wrote it. I had nothing to do with it"?

I agree he shouldn't take credit...

but you shouldn't have written it for him in the first place.

From where I'm sitting, you both screwed up.

What are you gonna do about it?

- I cannot speak for Bobby... - You have no problem writing for him.

Damn straight. I got an "A."

[Kahn moaning]

Gwyneth So up ha no us in phone, where's my lunch?

Kahn, wake up. It's 10:30. You're late for work.

What? Minh, it's still dark out.

[Kahn moaning]

[Mysterious instrumental music]

[Kahn screaming]

[Birds chirping]

Kahn, you touch that flag...

that'll be the last thing you ever touch.

[Exclaims warningly]

[Exclaims quizzically]

[Both yelling]

[Racy instrumental music]

[Screaming hysterically]

[Growling]

- Hey, Bobby. - Hey, Clark.

I've never said anything, but I really admire your writing.

Uh, huh.

- If I had a gift like yours, I'd share it. - That's nice.

- If I had a gift like yours, I'd share it. - That's nice.

"My Favorite Hobby." It's due Thursday.

I'll turn it in Friday so they don't get suspicious.

[Slow instrumental music]

Hey, Bobby!

[Crickets chirping]

You have something you want to say to me?

Yeah. Everyone's asking me to help them with their papers...

because, you know, I'm the best writer in school.

Really? You are not the best writer in the school.

I am. I wrote that essay. Me!

- I never said you didn't. - Yes, you did!

If you don't mind, I have to get back to my musings column...

because no one is gonna write it for me.

I thought The Bystander wasn't running musings anymore.

Yes, in the time it took them to turn down my last batch...

I have written 185 more...

161 of those being pure gold.

The rest are re-submissions.

[Computer keys clicking]

[Slow instrumental music]

[Grunts]

[Pants]

"If you like knitting, you'll love this yarn."

[Exclaims delightedly]

Clark Peters, my boy, you found your hobby.

Did you read The Bystander this morning, Hank?

No, not yet.

It's Frank Gorshin's birthday. He was The Riddler, you know.

Next to the birthday column, Hank.

Your musings are back. Good for you.

- How'd you do it? - I bought ad space.

[Exclaims doubtfully]

Damn right. Let the readers get hooked again.

That's when I pull the ad and wait for the call.

[Mysterious instrumental music]

[Exclaims quizzically]

[Exclaims smugly]

[Students chattering]

MRS. DONAVAN: So many people like to knit.

- I see you read my column. - Twice.

Well, thank you.

Would you mind writing a letter to the editor to that effect?

If I write one for you, I'd have to write one for Clark Peters.

If you think it would... I don't follow.

It seems both you and Clark Peters...

believe that, "When it comes to tea cozies..."

"It's either crochet or the highway."

That doesn't sound like the Clark Peters I know.

The Clark Peters I know likes to burn things.

Oh, my God. I feel so plagiarized.

Plagiarism. That's a serious accusation...

one you might have to level at my entire seventh grade class...

which has turned in papers on "Napkin Rings, Those Useful Things"...

"Autumn: Love it or Leaf lt"...

and my favorite, "Did You Know Emily's Husband..."

"Is Having an Affair With Root Beer?"

Don't worry, she's not jealous.

Wait. Obviously, someone has hacked into my Kaypro.

I can believe that...

or I can believe the nine children who told me...

Bobby wrote their essays.

[Exclaims in surprise]

Bobby Hill! Get over here!

How dare you steal my musings?

It's your fault for writing my flag essay and getting me an "A."

Nobody bothered me when I was a "C" student.

Bobby!

Now we're getting somewhere.

If I may steal something from your musings, "the sauce thickens."

What do you want? Money? I spent it all on that ad.

I think the right thing to do would be to apologize.

- Right. Bobby, tell her you're sorry. - No, not to me...

but to the entire student body.

And what better place than tomorrow's assembly?

I suggest you each wr I te your own apo I og I es,

Otherwise, I will file a formal complaint with Principal Moss.

What did they teach you in that graduate school?

How to survive.

[Bobby sighing]

I guess deep down inside...

part of me always knew I didn't deserve that "A."

God. When those students see me on stage...

they're gonna expect me to receive another...

Not a self-administered tongue-lashing.

I'm sorry, I cannot do it. I won't. It is not fair to the students.

What you two did was wrong. You've not only disgraced the flag...

you've disgraced the republic for which it stands.

If I were you, I'd start writing your apologies.

And if I were you, I'd hide yours from Bobby.

This is all my fault, Mom. I'm so sorry.

I am sorry, too.

But I will be damned if I'm gonna get up on that stage...

- and apologize to that woman. - We have no choice.

If we don't go to the assembly, Mrs. Donavan's gonna turn us in...

to Principal Moss.

Don't worry. We are going to that assembly...

and we are gonna put on one hell of a show.

- What do you mean? - Those students don't need an apology...

they need something to believe in. And that's what we'll give them.

Boy loves his country, mother loves her son.

It's as American as apple pie.

And if Donavan says "Boo," they'll hang her for treason.

Yeah! I love apple pie!

PEGGY: That flag got us into this mess, and that flag is gonna get us out.

PEGGY: At tomorrow's assembly, we will give those saps...

a good old-fashioned star-spangled snow job.

We w ill set I t a ll up ton I ght,

[Stealthy instrumental music]

Get the keys to his truck from his pants while I distract him. Go.

Honey, is the grout cracking around the tub?

What?

HANK: Good Lord.

[Whispering] Now, at night, Mr. Dauterive keeps that flag...

folded in his garage. So if...

[Bobby gasps]

[Dramatic instrumental music]

[Sneezes]

All right. Change in plan.

I've taken down laundry, I can take down a flag.

And I can drive a truck.

Yeah.

Okay, little more. Keep coming.

Little more. Okay, you're fine. All right.

Now, let's fold as we go.

And, remember, we are stealing this flag, we are not disgracing it.

Ready?

[Peggy yelling]

[Dog barking in distance]

PEGGY: Bobby, honey, do not look over. Wait.

No, that makes you look guilty. Look over.

[Mysterious instrumental music]

Perfect.

The flag! Quick, get back in that truck.

We have got to retrace our steps.

[Gripping instrumental music]

Oh, no! Bobby, get out and check.

Please, let it be a speed bump. Come on, speed bump.

PEGGY: Speed bump, right? BOBBY: No, it's the flag.

And it's wrapped around the axle.

All right. Slowly drive forward.

[Flag ripping]

BOBBY: Okay. And you're free.

When you start your speech, I'll pull a rope...

and Old Glory will unfurl behind you.

Then, hold for applause.

When we get the music pumping and the dry ice all going...

and those flares are lit, they will not know what hit them.

I want to see what the flares look like from the back of the house.

Light the flares!

They are beautiful.

This is going to work.

BOBBY: Mom! PEGGY: God, no!

[Fire alarm ringing]

PEGGY: Bobby, save the flag! BOBBY: It's already burned and wet.

Don't just stand there. Rip it down and let's get out of here!

[Gripping instrumental music]

[Car tires screeching]

[Grunts]

[Car tires screeching]

[Bill wailing]

[Bill crying]

What kind of animal would do such a thing?

A bear.

[Bobby moans]

I present this flag for final inspection...

and fitting disposal, sir.

[Solemn instrumental music]

Has this flag been inspected by the sergeant at arms?

SERGEANT AT ARMS: Yes, sir.

Sergeant, what does the inspection show and what do you recommend?

SERGEANT AT ARMS: Since this flag has become old, ripped, wet...

burned, and soiled upon in a tribute of service...

I recommend that it fittingly be destroyed by burning, sir.

[Bill whimpering]

PRINCIPAL MOSS: And the JV basketball team collected $24.60

well short of their goal,

Now it's my honor and privilege...

to introduce one of T, I, M, S,'s best and brightest,

Look out for this kid, Bobby Hill,

[Audience applauding]

I go away for three years and you take my parking space...

right from under me. No, ma'am.

"I'm not a banker or a lawyer..."

"But I believe in giving credit where credit is due."

A great writer wrote those words,

My mom, Peggy Hill,

She also wrote my essay...

and many of yours,

What has this school taught us about the flag?

I say the Pledge of Allegiance every day...

but I don't know what it means,

I hear The Star-Spangled Banner before every football game...

but by "Oh, say can you see", ,,

I'm looking for the guy with the peanuts,

But today, I watched a grown man cry...

while his flag burned,

And when I saw how much it meant to him...

I realized how much it should have meant to me,

So, tomorrow, if you're sitting next to me in detention...

and one of your spitballs comes anywhere near that flag...

you had better watch your back,

Tom Landry rules!

[Audience cheering]

God bless America.

That was terrific, Bobby, I can see why that got an "A,"

[Exclaims in exasperation]

Now, let's bring on the marching band,

[Marching-band instrumental music]

[Theme music]

BOBBY: What works for me, see, is the cocoa,