Original subtitles

[Theme song]

[Christmassy instrumental music]

Boy, I tell you what, Chappy, you've got some good-looking trees this year.

Is that a dig?

'Cause it ain't funny, Hank.

I wasn't trying to be funny.

Sorry, Hank, but people ain't buying trees this year.

They're buying batteries and bottled water.

It's the millennium, Hank.

That's crazy.

Everyone's known about the millennium for almost a year now.

You know, I have on good authority...

from Texas Propane Association Commissioner Murray Hogarth...

personal friend...

that there will be no disruption of essential services.

Well, I'm not panicking. You wanna know why?

Because Chappy takes care of Chappy.

Want a piece of cornbread?

Make it myself with no electric tools.

Must be the elbow grease that makes it taste so good.

That or the lard. Render it myself.

You're like a pioneer, Chappy.

I live in a shack, I poop in an outhouse...

I eat what I kill. Let the grid go down, Lord.

I don't need it.

There isn't a Mrs. Chappy, is there, Chappy?

I tell you what, man, them Y2K, man...

them mainframe gonna come crashing down, man...

that grid, man, like in Apoca I ypse Now, man.

"The horror, the horror."

Oh, lord. Dale.

You know, this Y2K thing is tailor-made for paranoid freaks like him.

Gentlemen, sorry I'm late, but I had a fantastic day.

I went to the Army Navy store.

What'd you buy? A battleship?

No, Hank. Don't be a silly.

I bought an American flag decal.

It signifies my full faith and confidence in the United States government...

in these trying and uncertain times.

Well, it's taken 2,000 years, but Dale, you're finally making sense.

Team USA.

[Drumroll]

Let's see.

Four sacks of seed corn, 18 cases of breakfast bars, strawberry...

18 cases of breakfast bars, assorted...

two CO2-pressurized drums of Mountain Dew.

- Sug'. - No one's gonna catch the Big D. Off guard.

[Making karate noises]

The real problem will be obtaining fresh meat.

A breeding pair of gerbils.

Dale, honey.

One of those is a hamster.

Laugh now, lady.

After a month of eating cockroaches, you will be begging for gerbster.

PEGGY: Okey-dokey. How's this one?

"Although there is no 'L' in 'Christmas'..."

"There is 'Noel' in Christmas."

I see.

BOBBY: The second one is "N-O-E-L."

That's a different word. That is very funny, Mom.

Laugh.

[Luanne laughs forcedly]

[Hank humming]

[Singing] Me and my drum.

Who wants to go to Mega Lo Mart and buy some tinsel?

BOBBY: I do! LUANNE: I do!

Peggy? Tinsel?

MAN: Our pr I ces are Ho Ho Low,

ANNOUNCER: Attent I on, A, J, we need to br I ng that box over to a I s I e...

There's a run on triple-ply bunny soft.

- What about quilted aloe Vera? - I don't know. It's not my brand.

Well, it's my brand.

Bobby, you're not all hepped up on this Y2K hoo-ha, are you?

I just saw a man wheeling 300 rolls of triple-ply...

- and it made me uneasy. - That man is a nut job.

He's no nut job. I used to work for Dell Computer.

I know things.

Dell Computer. Excuse me, but I have a Kaypro.

Now, can you tell me if it will be Y2K-compliant?

[Woman laughing]

Kaypro?

My watch has more memory than that piece of crap.

Do you know what I think, Dad?

Nut job.

[Printer printing]

HANK: Peggy, I need your help. PEGGY: I need hard copies!

I could lose everything, Hank. Everything!

Seven-letter Boggle words, my Peggy Hill self-abridged thesaurus...

musings, ponderings on the way to being musings...

rap music, wrapping paper.

I know I can crack that nut,

[Printer printing]

Peggy, why don't you take off that nasal strip?

Maybe your snoring will drown out the sound of that dang printer.

Do not blame me. Blame the freaking millennium.

[Slow instrumental music]

[Peggy yawns]

[printer continues]

Oh, no! My opinions!

Hey, Dale? You own a computer, don't you?

I have a system.

Well, I'm gonna surprise Peggy this year.

- I'm gonna get her a new computer. - A computer?

I mean, a computer?

It's a shame to see all our friends and neighbors acting so selfish.

Fred Nickelson cut an old lady off yesterday in the checkout line.

The JV basketball coach.

Greedy.

If everyone hoards, there'll be nothing left to go around.

And he who does hoard will have unreasonable power.

You and I seem to be the only ones around here that have our heads on straight.

Completely straight.

The machines are down for compliance testing.

Hold the phone!

- Whack-a-Mole is up and running. - Of course it's running.

There's no computer in your Whack-a-Mole game.

It's a basic peg-and-gear system...

with a simple servomotor controlling each rodent.

They don't make them like this...

Hank! Found one.

Now, hold on, Dale. I wanna make sure it's Y2K-compliant...

because Peggy's Kaypro evidently is not.

Kaypro? That wasn't Y1K-compliant.

All home computers are Y2K-compliant now.

But the mainframes...

if people would spend a little less time worrying...

and a little more time reading a brilliantly written op-ed piece...

by former FCC Chairman Reed Hundt...

then they'd realize that our government has everything under control.

I'd like to read that article, Dale, and I'll take that computer. The gray one.

Shoot. Our system is down. I can't ring you up.

Well, just write me out a receipt.

Sir, the computer is down.

I can't sell you a computer, I can't check our inventory...

I can't lock the front door.

It's impossible to figure out the sales tax.

- It's eight percent. - Yes.

And eight is a key on the computer.

[Tense instrumental music]

Hey, Peggy.

- Where's Hank? - Hank?

He went someplace. I can't tell you.

He went Christmas-shopping, didn't he?

BILL: So, I moved all the combs to the lower drawer...

which was practically empty, and now it's base-wide policy.

Yeah. So, all the barbers at Fort Blandon...

Tell me the part about what Hank is getting me for Christmas.

A computer.

BILL: Anyway... PEGGY: Yeah!

So, remember I said I'd tell you about the brushes?

Peggy?

You had her with the combs. Dang!

DALE: Sug', I'll be in my think-hole.

[Footsteps on stairs]

[Dale exclaims]

My Dew!

How could you do this to me, Puff-Puff?

My cigarettes!

No!

Well, I hope you took your heart pills this morning, Mr. Strickland...

'cause it looks like it's gonna be a rough one.

No, not me, Hank.

There's a lynch mob out there. They've gone Y2-kooky. I'm outta here.

Sir, have you forgotten the Gasser's Creed?

"I promise to dispense"...

I don't have time for that.

Debbie and me are going to the desert to ride out the apocalypse.

STRICKLAND: I'll be back in two weeks.

[People murmuring]

Don't worry. We've got plenty of propane to go around.

Hey, JoeJack. What do you got left in the tanks?

The tanks are tapped out. We got nothing.

What? But we were supposed to get a shipment in this morning.

[People murmuring angrily]

HANK: Okay. It's officially an emergency.

I'm gonna put a call in to Texas Propane Commissioner Murray Hogarth.

[People exclaim]

He'll have a bobtail here in no time.

Murray Hogarth, please.

Hi, Murray. Hank Hill calling.

My supplier left me holding the...

What?

But you promised me there were procedures in place.

What does this have to do with Y2K?

What does "temporarily non-compliant" mean?

Murray, stop crying.

Act like a commissioner, for God's sake.

So, where's our propane?

Nothing to panic about, okay? I've got some extra tanks in the back.

So, if you'll just form a line...

single-file, please. That's it.

Okay. There are procedures in place.

Procedures. Procedures.

Forgive me, Lord, for what I'm about to do.

[Tense instrumental music]

Hank's getting me a new computer for Christmas.

Well, I think it's romantic.

- Did it make the news? - Did what make the news?

Over at work. Murray Hogarth was crying...

Peggy, this computer thing could be big.

You were right to be worried.

I am more than worried, Hank. I am panicked.

I am panicked that my old computer is gonna drag this family down...

into the depths of chaos.

Yeah. Let's get rid of that old computer.

Exactly. I agree.

Let's get rid of that old computer, shall we?

He is such a bad actor.

Let me in!

Dale. Thank goodness.

Everyone else is losing their mind...

- and you're the only... - Shut up!

I don't have time for your little problems. My gerbil screwed me.

- What? - I'm ruined!

All the planning and the secret hoarding.

- You've been hoarding? - Duh!

I need foodstuffs. What do you got?

I have got nothing for a liar like you.

- You've got three tanks of propane. - How did you know that?

Hank, I have dedicated my life...

to getting ahead of others in times of crisis.

This is my time.

Fine. It's your time. So what do we do?

I have no idea.

CHAPPY: Okay. You're gonna need your own wheat grinder.

I'll teach you how to grow your own mung beans in old paper towels.

I live in a shack and I poop in an outhouse.

That's it? This is your go-to guy?

An outhouse and monkey beans?

I couldn't take on the freaking bicentennial...

with an outhouse and monkey beans...

let alone the millennium!

- Is that a dig? - You listen to me, Clem Kadiddlehopper...

and you listen good.

1.2 trillion lines of lethal software code.

Yeah, and 30 billion embedded microchips.

All going down!

Utilities will fail, nuclear weapons will launch themselves!

Wait. Hold on. Now, don't cut me out.

- We can work as a team, right? - I'll take care of tools and supplies.

You guys are in charge of food.

Try to stay focused.

[Tense instrumental music]

[Dale and Chappy moaning and groaning]

HANK: Now, I know that your mom wants a computer for Christmas...

but she'll thank me come January 1...

when this is the only gift on the block that'll work.

And when that grid goes down, you know what's gonna happen?

- I don't know what a grid is. - Exactly. Nobody does.

And they certainly won't know what time it is.

And that's when they'll be knocking on our door, asking to use our clock.

What happened to your power drill?

It's gone. Got rid of it.

Traded it to a fool for a sack of corn.

We've only got six days...

to stock up on aloe Vera quilted toilet paper.

I'll get the truck.

DALE: Shush. Let me handle this.

My friend Chappy and I both have wives...

for whom we are looking for presents.

Christmas dogs to put under the tree.

How about this Lhasa Apso?

No, that's way too small.

Yeah. Let's see.

This one's old and kind of ropey.

My wife would not enjoy it.

Maybe you two should step away from the cages.

Please, my wife is in a wheelchair.

All she wants for Christmas is a big, fat dog...

with lots of meat on his haunches.

I'll take all nine of those little dogs on top. Wrap them up.

BOBBY: We have Chr I stmas!

Have we lost power?

Don't know. But when we do, we'll be ready.

Okay, Bobby, honey, why don't you get us started?

I love it!

You did drop some pretty big hints.

- All right, who's next? - Me!

Thanks. It's...

Yeah, thanks.

Careful, Luanne. They don't call it a mangle for nothing.

It's a laundry mangle.

For a white Christmas.

That's 4,000 sheets.

Thank you, Bobby.

I got you a Discman...

and, Uncle Hank, I got you a pair of Timberland boots.

And I got toilet paper and a laundry mangle.

HANK: Peggy, your turn. PEGGY: Is it bigger than a mouse pad?

Why don't you go find out? It's in your office.

[Slow instrumental music]

[Peggy gasps]

That is not a computer.

No, it's a Stromwell from 1910.

I do not want a grandfather clock!

And I do not want toilet paper.

Fine!

I'll take the grandfather clock. It's a great grandfather clock!

I'll bet you're ready for the millennium, Coach Landry.

You won 270 games...

and all you needed was one suit...

and one hat...

and that one expression.

[Hank sniffs]

Oops!

[Hank moans]

[Surreal instrumental music]

PEGGY: Hank, I am taking Bobby and Luanne to get real presents.

And I'm gonna be driving a car, if that's okay wth you,

[Tense instrumental music]

[Clock chimes]

[Hank groans]

[Fast-paced surreal instrumental music]

[Hanks screams]

Are you guys crazy? Don't stick your heads out there.

You'll get whacked.

- Peggy! - I'm gonna get a computer.

[Peggy screams in pain]

Bobby!

Bobby Mole,

- I'm wearing diapers, Father. - What?

I'm going backwards. I'm a baby now.

The future is bad. You said so yourself.

MOLE: Up and down. Join the party.

Join the party. Up and down.

This is insanity. Keep your heads down.

HANK: Tom Landry?

Hello, Hank.

Coach Landry, you've got to get off the platform.

It's a peg-and-gear. In a couple of seconds, it's gonna push you through that hole.

- I know. - But aren't you scared?

- You're gonna get whacked. - Not every time, Hank.

The times you don't, it's pretty sweet.

Sunshine, fresh air, a little football on the TV in the arcade.

Every time I go up, I see a little more.

Well, my turn again.

Yeah, Cowboys are p I ay I ng,

Attaboy, Troy!

Come on, Bobby, it'll be all right.

Coach Landry said so.

No. I like it here. It's safe. And it's quilted.

Bobby, come with me.

Everything is gonna be just fine.

[Hank screams]

[Tense instrumental music]

PEGGY: Goodness' sakes. Hank! BOBBY: Dad! Are you okay?

[Hank coughs and wheezes]

Yeah, I'm okay. We're all gonna be okay.

- What are you doing? - Bobby, trust me.

I want to apologize to everyone for almost ruining Christmas.

There really is nothing to be afraid of about this millennium.

Heck, the year 2,000 only happens once in the history of man...

and we're darn lucky to see it happen.

Peggy, do you remember how excited you were...

when you rolled over the odometer in your Buick?

Imagine if the whole world had been in that car with you.

[All exclaim in awe]

Oh Hank, honey, don't burn the clock.

You know, the more I see it...

the more I think it makes me look like an intellectual.

Ah actually, Peggy, I got you a real Christmas present.

- A system? Really? - The blueberry one.

It'll be here tomorrow.

Oh, Hank.

[Sentimental instrumental music]

KAHN: Hey, hillbillies!

Those aren't logs, you know, Yeah, they're for wipie-wipie,

[Soft Christmassy instrumental music]

[Theme music]

DALE: You will be begging for gerbster,