Original subtitles

[Theme music]

Come on, Ladybird, fetch.

That's right, You can get it,

Come on, girl.

[Bobby grunting]

[Scoffs]

Fine, it can stay there for all I care.

Get it. Come on.

[Hank sighs]

Get him the ball, already.

Here you go, boy. Take it easy on Ladybird, Bobby.

She's 91 years old in dog years.

Each time she fetches, it's like seven fetches for you or me.

Well, tell Ladybird I'm done playing 'cause she only listens to you.

[Bobby grunts in anger]

[Ladybird whimpers]

Attagirl!

[Raccoon churring]

Hold on, little fellow. This happened to me once.

You hungry?

Let's see what Santa's got in his goodie bag.

[Raccoon churring]

What a crime.

If you are not a hungry man, Luanne...

you shouldn't be taking on the Hungry-Man dinner.

Bobby. At the table.

PEGGY: I am tired of finding crumbs in the bathtub.

Is it me, or are they making these things bigger?

You don't want that. Tonight's garbage is...

I brought you something special.

You know, the b I ack around your eyes I ooks just li ke a mask,

I'm gonna call you Masky.

No, wait. I can beat that. Bandit.

Mind if I join you?

[Soft instrumental music]

[Bandit churring]

And how about a marshmallow chaser?

[Bandit churring]

[Churring]

Fish. Snakes.

Yup. The dog's the only animal that makes sense.

And I suppose a cat might work.

If you're a little girl or an old lady, you know, who's sick.

[Dog barks]

[Bandit churrs]

[Bandit churring]

Can I buy this, Dad?

Bobby, this is a pet store, not a toy store.

You know how much they mark that junk up.

Excuse me. How much is it to get your dog's picture put on this mug?

So we're eating dinner, and Ladybird starts to beg.

That says it all right there.

BOBBY: Mrs. Gribble said it wasn't gonna rain.

BOBBY: Accuweather, my foot!

Here. I'm gonna leave this open.

And you can use the streetlight as a nightlight.

[Hank grunts quizzically]

HANK: What in the...

[Hank exclaims in surprise]

You're gonna wish you messed up somebody else's garage...

you furry bastard.

[Ominous instrumental music]

[Gasps]

[Bandit churring]

HANK: Bastard!

I'm gonna take out the garbage.

No, Bobby, there is a raccoon out there and it almost...

literally attacked your father.

Raccoon?

Don't worry. I'm gonna get rid of it.

Bandit was just hungry, Dad.

Bandit? You name a pet. You name a guitar.

You do not name a filthy animal.

And you do not feed it our garbage.

No wonder it was rooting around in the garage.

It was looking for more of your handouts.

It's not a handout when you feed Ladybird, is it?

Ladybird is a member of this family. You've seen our Christmas cards.

Yeah, I've also seen her drink out of the toilet, wipe herself on the carpet...

- sniff another dog's... - Enough!

Bandit is a wild, disease-ridden animal that will bite your face.

Now, does that sound like something Ladybird would do?

Ladybird doesn't do anything anymore. She's too old.

Bobby, Ladybird is in the room.

The who I e garage I ooked li ke one of those horror mov I es,

You know, tools all over the place.

Yup. Sounds like a raccoon...

or a possum imitating the behavior of a raccoon.

Or a squirrel.

What I'm getting at is, I'll handle it.

No, thanks, Dale. I've already taken care of it.

I've put out a spring-loaded live trap this morning.

A trap? The only one that's going to get trapped is you, Hank.

Trapped into thinking a trap actually works.

Who wants to...

[Bill screaming]

[Boomhauer mumbling]

[Bandit churring]

HANK: Get out of here, you furry bastard.

My card.

DALE: No worries, Hank.

I've played out this scenario 1,000 times in my mind.

Most of them I have won.

Are you gonna need the raccoon's pelt intact for a hat?

I thought you were gonna trap Bandit and free him in the woods.

Why is everything you're wearing so sharp?

You're not gonna hurt my raccoon, are you?

That's entirely up to him, Bobby.

[Ominous instrumental music]

Hank, once I crawl in there, I want you to quickly cover the hole with the screen.

That's the only way in and the only way out for the raccoon.

Do not remove the screen, no matter how much I plead...

or beg you, do not remove the screen.

[Bandit churring]

DALE: Hank!

Open the screen. For God's sake, Hank, I'm begging you...

open the screen!

[Dale screaming]

HANK: That's it. I'm taking it off. DALE: Get him off!

You promised Dale you wouldn't.

DALE: He's big!

That's enough.

[Dale screaming]

[Bandit snarling]

[Hank gasps]

[Ladybird barking and growling]

[Bandit churring]

HANK: Get off her!

[Ladybird snarling]

HANK: Ladybird!

BOBBY: Bandit, come back!

My God! Ladybird's hurt. Someone call 911.

I give you one little thing to do and you screw it up.

[Gloomy instrumental music]

[Hank sighs]

I can't find Ladybird anywhere.

BOBBY: [Panting] Dad. HANK: Any luck, Son?

I looked all over the neighborhood.

No sign of Bandit. Not even a dropping.

What? You've been looking for that dang raccoon?

It would have attacked me if it weren't for Ladybird.

And now my dog's out there, possibly hurt, exposed to the elements...

and even if she does find something to eat, who's gonna mix in an egg?

I'll find Ladybird.

Lucky for you I'm not only an exterminator...

I'm also a bounty hunter.

DALE: My other card.

Tell me I sent you. You'll get 100/0 off.

HANK: That picture was taken at her birthday party last month.

Sorry, I don't have a more recent photo.

I don't wanna get your hopes up.

The odds of finding a dog that has run away are not...

Ladybird did not run away.

She got in a fight with a raccoon and took off after it.

Raccoon?

Hank, let me take over.

As one animal-control professional to another...

it was what appeared to be a raccoon.

But I only saw it briefly, and it was dark, so I don't know.

It's too bad you didn't catch it.

'Cause without being able to autopsy the raccoon...

we don't know if it gave your dog rabies.

Rabies?

Now, as I said, I am an animal-control professional.

Explain to Hank how you get rabies.

TERRY: Raccoon bite is the most common way, followed by rat bites...

- and then raccoon scratches. - What?

Raccoon scratches moved up to third.

Good for them.

[Ominous instrumental music]

What does it say?

NANCY: "The earliest symptoms of clinical rabies in humans are chills."

I'm cold, Nancy, so cold.

- You're in your underwear, sug'. - Read on.

"Some sufferers may have a sore throat."

[Croaking] My throat's on fire.

NANCY: "Diarrhea."

Go on.

"They may also feel anxious or fearful of things with no clear reason."

[Yells]

Nancy, I think I have rabies!

Dale, you're gonna be fine.

All we have to do is get you to a doctor so they can give you a shot.

Sorry, seven shots.

Let's say I don't get the shots.

Is it possible to live a normal life infected with rabies?

No.

LUANNE: And please make sure Ladybird is safe and without rabies.

And if rabies is part of your divine plan...

then please change your plan and send us back Ladybird rabies-free.

- And Bandit, too. Amen. - No, sir.

Bandit is not in this prayer. It's Bandit's fault we're in this mess...

or your fault for feeding him.

I'll let you decide, Lord.

Now, Hank, I know Ladybird is just fine. She saved your life.

I'm sure she can save her own.

I hope you're right. But if she's out there suffering with rabies...

I'll have to shoot her, and with my aim, I'll probably have to shoot her twice.

Oh, God!

Okay. Ladybird, good. Rabies, bad. I just wanna find Bandit.

We all wanna find Bandit, Bobby.

It's the only way they can figure out if Ladybird's got rabies.

How do they do that?

Well, they take off its head.

[Knocking on door]

I don't want to abuse the privilege...

but I need you to get Dale out of the basement again.

All right. Everybody ready?

And go.

[Nancy clears throat]

Dale, honey, pizza's here.

[Dale grunts in approval]

DALE: Pizza.

[Door unlocking]

[Dale shrieks]

No, Nancy! Look, Nancy, they're taking...

[Dale screaming]

All right, Dale. We can do this the easy way...

or we can do it the hard way.

[Dale grunting]

Do it the hard way.

[Dale yelling and grunting]

[Boomhauer grunts]

[Bill groans]

HANK: Get in there. BILL: Come on!

I'm worried about Bandit.

I'm worried about my dad. And Bandit.

See, I settled down. Now, give me back my hat.

It's easy for you to sit there with a head full of thick, gorgeous hair...

laughing at me. Please.

I told you, Dale, I'll give you the hat back after you get the shots.

HANK: Dale! Where are you... CROSSING GUARD: Hey!

HANK: Dale, get back here!

[Dale groans]

Okay.

A raccoon, Ladybird, and Dale are on the loose...

and they all might be rabid.

Peggy, you should stay here in case Ladybird comes home.

Not "if," Hank. "Whether or not."

The rest of us are going to cover every inch of Arlen.

And I'm gonna need somebody to help Nancy in case Dale comes home.

HANK: Okay, any volunteers?

I had my hand up first.

[Solemn instrumental music]

[Chomping]

[Slow instrumental music]

Survival Diary update.

I have been drinking dewdrops found on the forest leaves...

and I have been eating mushrooms and moths.

Mostly mushrooms.

My rabies has taken a turn for the worse.

I am starting to hallucinate.

When I close my eyes, I can see strange characters running around...

chasing colorful geometric shapes in a dark and infinite limbo.

I have stopped closing my eyes.

I fear I am going mad!

Survival reminder: Need hammer and nails.

And batteries for tape recorder.

Also need new tape recorder.

[Solemn instrumental music]

[Table saw whirring]

[Hank sobbing]

[Solemn instrumental music]

[Clears throat]

[Both gasp]

Dale?

[Hisses]

[Gasps]

[Yells]

Hot!

[Hisses]

You need a shot, sug'.

[Yelling]

[Nancy gasps]

[Dale yelling]

[Telephone ringing]

Hello?

TERRY: Mr, H ill, th I s I s V I c Terry from an I ma I contro I,

We've had reports of a b I oodhound wa I k I ng funny by the campgrounds...

at the Mar I e ll a Sherry Sh I vers State Park, We're head I ng there now,

I'm on my way. Just in case you find her first...

when you call her name, say the first half longer than the second.

Ladybird. You got that?

TERRY: Mr, H ill, I f we get there and the dog I s act I ng strange...

we'll have to put Ladyb I rd down,

Oh, no.

TERRY: Mr, H ill? Are you there? I'm sorry,

I meant we'll have to put Ladyb I rd down,

Now, Bill, if you see Ladybird first, fire this flare...

straight up in the air, not at her.

All right, Bobby, let's...

BILL: False alarm!

[Soft instrumental music]

What are you doing, Bobby?

If you're looking for that raccoon, you're wasting your time.

It's probably two towns over by now, eating some other kid's garbage.

At least Bandit never ate my lunch until after I'd thrown it out.

That's what I'd call common courtesy.

Yeah.

I remember the time Ladybird jumped up and ate your...

peanut-butter sandwich right off your plate.

I thought she'd never stop licking the roof of her mouth, I tell you what.

[Sighs]

I never laughed that hard ever again.

[Somber instrumental music]

Ladybird.

Come here, girl. Come to Daddy...

so he can send you to...

[Sniffs]

Doggy heaven.

[Bird screeching]

[Lightly suspenseful instrumental music]

[Birds chirping]

What the heck...

[Yelling]

[Whimpering]

[Slow instrumental music]

[Groans]

Dad, you're okay.

Don't look him in the eye. It makes him start howling.

[Dale makes karate sound]

Thought you could just waltz in here and kill me, did you?

So did he.

Damn it, Dale! You stupid...

You will speak only when I say you can speak.

Remove the tape, Dale.

Okay, you can speak.

Let us go now and I promise I won't kick your ass later.

I'm sorry but I can't do that, Hank.

I've got plans for you.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to drain all the blood out of your body.

Then I'm going to replace my blood with your non-rabid blood...

which will both cure me and give me...

all your knowledge of propane and propane accessories.

I think you might be eating the wrong kind of mushrooms, Dale.

I know what I'm doing. These mushrooms have been keeping me alive.

But what I don't know, Hank, is how you can still talk...

when there's a million bugs squiggling in and out of your mouth.

Yeah, I can talk.

And you just wait until Bill and Boomhauer find us.

[Bill whooping]

Geronimo! Water's great!

BOOMHAUER: Dang old Geronimo! Dang old...

Let's see you try and sell your way out of this one, propane salesman.

Where's your precious propane now?

[Cackling]

[Coughing]

Yeah, you got me, Dale. There is no way out of this.

So, if I understand your plan...

it is to replace your rabies blood with my clean blood. Is that right?

- Who gave you a copy of my plan? - You told me.

So, step one, drain my blood.

And, since you can't stand the sight of blood...

I guess you'll have to hand me my pocketknife.

I'll do more than hand it to you. I'll open it for you.

You might wanna step back, Dale. There is going to be a lot of blood. A lot.

[Dale groans]

Okay, there. That's the vein.

[Hank exclaims in pain]

- Boy, that smarts. - Wait a minute.

You've never cried out in pain in your life.

That's what I get for trusting you to drain your own blood.

[Dale makes karate sound]

[Stuttering] Okay, Dale, take it easy. I'm sorry. I made a mistake.

I shouldn't have done that. I should have cut my veins.

Shut up! I'm tired of your face.

[Growling]

Ladybird!

[Ladybird growling]

All right, dog. You wanna tango?

[Ladybird snarling]

[Dale screaming]

[Ladybird snarling and barking]

Bobby, the knife.

[Screaming]

Get your dog away from me. She's got the rabies!

Ladybird! Down, girl.

BOBBY: Dad, watch out. HANK: That's it. Come here.

BOBBY: She's got rabies. She'll bite you.

No, she's just wounded and scared. I'm her master. She'd never bite me.

- Dad, look out! - Bobby, don't.

Shoot her! Shoot her with the gun!

HANK: Bobby, no! DALE: Yes, Bobby!

[Gunshot]

You missed her!

[Sighs] Ladybird.

You see? I was right. It's a good thing you missed, Bobby.

I didn't miss, Dad.

[Somber instrumental music]

- Bandit? - I saw him coming.

I think he was gonna bite you.

DALE: This isn't over.

So long, suckers.

[Dale yelling]

[Hank sighs]

DALE: Hank, I can see your house from up here.

I guess I'm glad Bandit didn't have rabies.

So, at least we know Ladybird and Mr. Gribble will be okay.

HANK: That's right, Son.

- Thanks for building the cross. - No problem, Bobby.

- I'm gonna say a few words now, Dad. - I understand.

[Bobby churring]

HANK: Amen,

[Gentle instrumental music]

HANK: Say, Bobby, I know this won't be for a while...

but when Ladybird dies, how about if I let you pick our next pet.

BOBBY: Really? Okay. I'm gonna get a possum.

HANK: No. No possums. BOBBY: An ostrich then.

HANK: I was thinking more of a traditional pet, Bobby.

HANK: Like another dog. BOBBY: Okay.

BOBBY: Can I get a poodle? HANK: No,

DALE: So long, suckers,