Original subtitles

[Tires screeching]

[Honking]

[Honking]

[Honking continues]

[Brakes screeching]

[Chuckling] Yeah.

Yahoo, buddy!

(Bill) That is one right here.

She is power. Enormous yellow power.

I feel like my whole life's been leading to this day.

So let's see how you guys did.

(Bill) It's the biggest septic tank they had.

They sold one just like it to a bowlin' alley in Austin.

The guy tried to put us in a little home unit.

I told him, "you don't know bill."

Yeah, that's what he said.

(Hank) It's a shame we have to put her in the ground.

[Sighing] I should have hit the old tank by now, bill.

Are you sure you surveyed it precisely?

Uh, sure.

I mean, that... that's my recollection. Mmm-hmm.

[Sighs]

Oh, there, that's where it is.

My mistake. Sorry.

Maybe the tank's in the front.

I don't know.

[Sighs]

You just killed your whole back lawn,

a perfectly innocent lawn.

Ok, big shot. Where's your tank?

Side lawn, 8 feet out, 9 feet 7 inches from the pavement.

Side lawn. Mine's on the side lawn, too.

[Sighs] Bill, you can't just Mark it where you think it might be.

That's not real marking.

The flag is in.

(Dale) I am the hoe master. Hear me hoe.

Dale, no!

(Hank) Dale, what the... put on the brake!

(Dale) Mayday!

[Exclaims]

Hank.

Hank, you were right about it being complicated,

but wrong to make me want to try it so badly.

Where are you goin'?

To buy the "I" pipes for your septic tank.

Road trip.

You're staying here.

Can I come?

No.

I'll stay in the truck.

Oh, he's right.

I never would have stayed in the truck.

No, that's a straight pipe.

I'm lookin' for an "I" pipe.

"L's" are straight.

Lower case maybe, but...

Ok, fine. I'm looking for a capital "I" pipe.

It bends at a right angle.

Pipes don't bend. All pipes are straight.

All pipes can't be straight. If they were,

your department store wouldn't be selling

those "u" pipes right behind your shoulder.

Those aren't pipes.

[Sighs] Uh, wait a minute.

There has to be more than one size drill bit.

There are different size holes.

Don't know what an "I" pipe is? How do you think that happens?

What the...

Nice truck.

Does the job, then some.

Did you get the recall notice about the belts?

Back in '94?

Yep.

Got it.

So, picked up some kind of "I" pipe?

Yep, 2.25 inch.

Septic?

Yeah.

It's my neighbor's.

We rented a loader backhoe for the job.

I hear Mason's got a new design.

That's what I rented.

Well, then I won't keep you.

So then my professor says to me

that I have the greatest potential

of any junior college student that he's ever seen.

And then he asked me to dinner

to talk about it some more, and drinks!

[Exclaims]

Dinner and drinks?

Luanne, honey, I'm so proud of you.

Well, what are you smiling about?

Huh, well, I met a guy.

Uh-huh?

Yeah, at the mega lo mart.

We have the same truck, same year, same color.

Smart guy, too. He knew what an "I" pipe was for. It was nice.

Are you gonna see him again?

Oh, I don't know.

You know, just a one-time thing

with a guy in a parking lot, you know. That's all.

[Brakes screeching]

[Handbrake creaks]

Hey, "I" pipe. How you doing?

You, uh, fillin' up with super?

Regular.

Just kiddin'.

Oh.

[Chuckles]

[Car honking]

Hey, uh, you got someplace you need to be,

or maybe you wanna grab a beer?

Imported?

What? N-No, no, domestic.

[Both laughing]

Imported. I gotta watch you.

♪ [Music playing]

You know, Peggy, we're having the best time.

No, we didn't talk about that.

No, he didn't mention it.

That didn't come up, either.

Look, I'll be home later.

♪ Hey, listen to me dog before you start to whine ♪

♪ that side's yours and this side's mine ♪

♪ move it on over ♪

(Dale) More, more, more.

Is it open?

Almost. Try again.

W-What are you doin'?

[Exclaims]

Get out of there.

[Sighs]

Did you stop to think

that maybe the backhoe wasn't the best tool

for openin' up a beer can?

Yeah, Hank, I did.

Uh, oh, man!

Hank did it.

[Sighs]

What would you guys think

if someone had a beer with us out here?

Like someone just wanders over, like a stranger?

No. No, this guy I know. Good guy.

It's a big alley.

[Honking]

Why, Hank sure does seem excited.

Hal, this is Dale, bill, and boomhauer.

Hey, fellas.

Yo.

Say, look, uh, Hank told me about your situation.

And I was thinking you could use a metal detector

to trace the pipes back to your tank.

[Laughs]

A metal detector?

The detector would go off constantly

due to the high levels of extraterrestrial alloy in our soil

which acts as a homing beacon to the martian capital of

[mumbling]

City.

[Laughs]

Yeah, yeah. That's a good joke, Dale.

Dale sure can tell a joke.

Hey, you know, on the way over,

I passed this huge track hoe, 14-tonner.

What do you say we go check her out?

Sorry, but we've got business to transact.

I'll go.

[Truck doors shut]

[Tires screeching]

[Crickets chirping]

Hank's gonna come back

now.

Nope.

Now.

Nope.

Man, this is dang old pathetic, man.

Got better things to do than sit around

talking about old Jenny getting that sheriff, man, dang old... later.

I'm surprised boomhauer stayed as long as he did.

[Crickets chirping]

All right, then.

[Sighing] Yep.

[Beer cans rattling]

[Groans]

What are you guys doin'?

Oh, so you care what we're doing, do you?

Uh, he doesn't care.

You said you'd be back in a minute.

We waited a minute, then we waited another.

Then after about a million minutes,

I forgot why I was countin'.

W-What's the big deal?

You don't get upset when I come home late from work.

One: We get very upset when you work late.

And, 2: You were out with him.

Didn't you think Peggy might be worried

you bein' gone so long?

I called her.

Yeah, well...

We're being phased out.

Out.

Ow!

Do not watch the eyes, Bobby.

The eyes cannot be trusted.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice... ow!

Hey, Peggy.

Hal just took me to this store

that only sells fireplace hardware.

Fireplace hardware?

Boomhauer must have been in hog heaven.

Uh, yeah, well, I didn't really invite boomhauer

or bill, or Dale, for that matter.

Mom!

What? Part of the fun with hal

is doin' new stuff with someone new.

And if the guys can't handle that,

well, that's why I don't tell 'em.

[Brakes squeal]

Hank.

Hal.

So, where's that bait-and-tackle shop you won't shut up about?

False alarm, Hank. Went last night.

They didn't know a floater from a sinker.

Now, you wanna see a great new store,

make a left at the light, then out to mcmaynerbury.

Sport shop that spins around.

(Hal) Used to be a restaurant.

(Hank) Hmm.

10:15. Hank picks up hal.

What?

[Tape rewinding]

(Dale on tape) 10:15. Hank picks up hal.

(Bill on tape) What?

I said, "10:15. Hank picks up hal."

[Gasping] Hank and hal I see.

So, this guy is tryin' to fill a service tank,

uh-huh.

And the drip-lip vent is in the 6:00 position.

Instead of 12:00?

Exactly.

You sure you never worked in propane?

Hobby. That's all.

(Dale) I'm losin' him, slowly.

♪ And the night got deathly quiet ♪

(Both) ♪ and his face lost all expression ♪

♪ said, "if you're gonna play the game, boy ♪"

♪ you gotta learn to play it right" ♪

♪ "you got to know when to hold 'em" ♪

♪ when to hold 'em ♪

♪ I was a highwayman ♪

(Dale) ♪ along the coach roads I did ride ♪

♪ with sword and pistol by my side ♪

(Bill) Sing it, brother!

[Van door shuts]

[Groaning]

[Exclaims]

What's that? There, there, over there!

(Dale) Hey.

[Backhoe humming]

Dale. Bill.

Dale. Bill.

Boy, I tell you, your tank's as big as a school bus.

Laid in pretty nicely, all the same.

All I see is trespassin'.

Hank.

Hal.

That was our project.

You should be thankin' me.

Hal worked that backhoe so fast,

we're gonna save a couple of days' rental.

Yeah, and with the money you saved,

you can buy your friend hal a dozen roses.

Now you're buyin' him roses?

That's it, Hank. It's us or him.

[Sighs] You can't make me choose.

Us or him.

All right. Him.

"Him" means hal, you know.

That's the way we phrased the question.

[Sighs]

You know where I think we went wrong?

Makin' him choose.

Where we went wrong

is not stayin' with that backhoe.

Whoever controls the backhoe, controls Hank.

You think?

Yes, I do think.

As long as we're, for lack of a better word,

"incompetent" with the backhoe,

we will be hankless.

I know a place we can practice.

The army's got an old minefield.

No one's ever there.

Don't be insane, bill.

We'll never get past security.

But I know an abandoned pet cemetery with our names on it.

[Whirring]

Nice hole, bill.

Thank you.

May I?

Please.

(Dale) Nickel says I can pick that dandelion over there,

bring it back here,

blow on it, and make a wish.

(Dale) Come on.

(Bill) Come on, honey pie!

Come on, baby. Come on.

(Bill) Come on, sweetie. Come on, baby.

Bill, shift your weight. Lean forward.

All right.

[Bill grunting]

[Dale groans]

[Both yelling]

[Both moaning]

Maybe we could, uh, hold onto that tree branch,

uh, and swing out of the hole like a monkey in the jungle.

[Both yelling]

[Crickets chirping]

Help!

Someone, help!

Oh, forget it. No one can hear us.

Or if they can, they don't care.

You're lucky. You're in the army.

You've got a trackin' device in your teeth.

They'll find you.

I'll tell 'em where you are.

You're good people.

Hal, it's Hank. Beer?

Sure. Uh, well, no, that won't work.

My wife will have dinner ready in an hour,

and you're over 20 minutes away.

Yeah, next time.

[Sighs]

So, Bobby, you know, it's been a while

since we've had a shoeshine party.

I'll get my box.

Hank, you don't really wanna watch Bobby shine your shoes.

Honey, why don't you go out into the alley

and have a beer with the guys?

[Sighs]

All right. What about Bobby?

[Laughing] It is spa-Peggy and meatballs night.

You do not have to worry about Bobby.

[Slurps]

[Birds chirping]

Boomhauer.

Yo, Hank.

[Dog barking]

Yep.

Yep.

Used to be a lot more lively around here.

Yep.

So, uh, got any big dates?

Man, leave me alone, man!

I don't talk about that old question.

Questions, questions, questions. Like my dang old mother, man:

"Boomhauer, when you gonna get married,

make me a grandmother?"

[Boomhauer mumbling]

[Squealing]

[Gasps]

An exterminator in a pet cemetery.

I have many enemies here.

[Whimpering]

Took me about 17 minutes to get here.

[Scoffs]

Took me 18.

Maybe tomorrow we can meet...

Uh, I don't know.

Uh, that exxon over there, that ought to even things out.

Uh, I don't know.

I only get a 45-minute lunch hour.

Let's try getting together tonight.

Ah, I don't know. By the time I get home from strickland propane

and come down from the day...

Let's shoot for next Saturday.

Yeah, yeah.

[Groans]

No, Saturday's Bobby's football game,

and he really likes me to watch it with him.

Hmmm.

Hmmm.

Huh.

I guess this is it, then.

Yeah.

Well, you take care of that truck of yours.

[Honking]

♪ [Music playing]

[Sighs]

I'm gonna miss that crazy bastard.

[Screeching]

(Dale) We invested all that time.

And effort, maybe, in Hank,

and he has forsaken us.

Everything forsakes me.

I mean, sometimes I... I think I should

just stop puttin' myself out there.

We don't need Hank.

We are 2 beta males at the top of our game.

And you didn't mention that we're lovable,

and that I've got a lot of love to give.

I know.

How's the market been treatin' you, sir?

[Doorbell ringing] I took a pretty big hit today.

I got worries.

Where's my backhoe, Hank?

Hey, how are you?

You wanna come in, have a beer?

I want my backhoe.

It wasn't returned by Dale gribble or bill dauterive?

No.

I saw them drive off on joyride with backhoe.

You mean they missing?

Minh! Yeah, hey, minh!

2 down, 2 to go!

[Gasps]

There's gotta be somethin' to eat in that box.

(Bill) Ok, you got it. Oh!

[Chuckles]

Looks like a fun project.

[Both exclaim]

It is none of your business.

We were just on our lunch break, which is over.

So if you do not mind,

we will be getting back to work.

That's better. That's good.

(Bill) Did you see it move?

All right. Well, I'll get out of your hair.

But before I go, I am curious.

What's the best way of drivin' out of that hole?

I mean, you guys have more experience with this machine than me.

What do you think? Would it be better

to widen the hole beyond the tree

then extend the boom, plant the bucket, let out the outriggers,

then release and re-plant the bucket...

Wait, wait.

W-We'll humor your little experiment,

but you'll have to slow down.

On your left there, pull the extender as far back...

Left, is it?

Yeah, the lever closest to me.

Take that in your hand.

Good.

Little more. Little more. Keep goin'. Good!

[Groaning]

My legs.

Well, you haven't moved in about 50 hours.

Thanks, but no thanks, hal's friend.

Where is hal?

Huh, Hank?

Hal's gone. Yep.

All right, let's go.

You think you can ignore me for 2 days,

and then act like nothin' happened?

[Sighs] All right, look.

You guys are somethin' hal'll never be:

My neighbors.

Apology accepted.

[Blowing nose]

[Groaning]

(Bill) Friendship is our country's sweetest wine.

(Hank) All right, you're very delirious.

(Dale) So, I was thinkin', on the backhoe rental,

your friend hal should chip in.

I mean, he used it, too.

(Hank) I can put you back in the ground.

[Dale mumbling]