Original subtitles

[Exclaims]

Oh, another thanksgivin'

with Hank hill's famous smoked Turkey.

[Moans]

What can I bring this year, Hank? Uh, uh, straws?

Uh, well, bill, we're, uh...

Uh, and by "we"

I mean me, my family, and this Turkey,

we're all goin' to Montana for Thanksgiving.

Oh.

Yeah. See, Peggy and her mom don't always get along,

and now mother platter's starting to take it out on propane.

She says it can't get the job done

when it comes to smoking Turkey.

Well, I'm not gonna let that go.

So, for Peggy's sake I gotta prove her mom wrong.

Now, uh, this doesn't leave the alley,

but, uh, Peggy's parents wanted to take us

to a restaurant for Thanksgiving.

Mmm-mmm.

But don't worry.

I convinced 'em to have the meal at their house,

and I'm goin' with my standard plan:

Cowboys game, dinner at 5:00,

and serve dessert in time for home alone.

[Chuckles]

They broke into the wrong kid's house. Heh-heh.

Hey, man, you got me thinkin' about dang old mom boomhauer, man.

I think I'll fly out to Miami beach, man.

Talk about a blind date with a neighbor, man.

Great, great, great, great granddaughter, man. She's 40.

So you're leaving, too.

I hate Thanksgiving.

Let's go, Bobby. It's almost 10:00.

With the Dallas traffic, we won't get to the airport till noon,

and that flight leaves at 4:00 with or without us.

[Sniffing]

The Turkey smells good.

Can I hold it on my lap to sniff for the ride?

[Sighs]

The Turkey rides up front with me, away from the rear defroster.

I just talked to your grandma, and I went out on a limb

and promised moistness and smokiness.

My mother called? Oh.

I wanted to tell her that I'm gonna bake my brown Betty.

Yeah, uh, she said not to bother.

She'll just pick up some Sara Lee.

Uh, oh, sure. But if my brother were making brown Betty,

she'd freaking lick the bowl.

What a coincidence, Hank.

I have to go to the Dallas-fort worth airport

to pick up my uncle who's comin' in for Thanksgiving.

What time's his flight?

What time's your flight?

4:00.

4:00. Mmm-hmm?

I can drive you to the airport.

Ok. I guess that'll save me some time.

Which uncle is it?

Bill.

Huh, so you're named after him?

I said Stan.

Ok, uncle Hank, I'm all ready.

My first time seein' daddy since mama second-degree

assaulted him with a fork.

[Exclaiming] This is so exciting.

Boy, it sure is.

Now, I like to keep all our airline tickets in the travel caddy.

Luanne, if you don't mind...

Uh...

Uh, Hank, could I please talk to you for a minute?

Well, luanne does not have a ticket.

You were supposed to buy tickets for the family.

That's right. I bought tickets

for all 3 members of the hill family.

Hank hill, Peggy hill and Bobby hill.

The hills.

[Gasps] What is the matter with you?

As far as luanne knows, you love her

and you consider her a part of this family.

Do not let her know that you neglected to buy her a ticket.

Well, I think she's gonna find out when we leave her here.

No, sir. You will buy luanne a ticket at the airport.

And it is not gonna be easy,

because the day before Thanksgiving is,

in my opinion, one of the busiest travel days of the year.

[Cars honking]

[Engine revving]

[Brakes squealing]

Ok, bill.

That zone's for loading and unloading only.

We can take it from here.

Well, then it's off to uncle st...

You said Stan.

[Sighs]

Ok, Hank, you win. Stan it is.

[Sighs]

Did you pack your own bags

and have they been in your sight at all times?

Well, I had to set 'em on the curb

when I unloaded 'em from the trunk.

But they were in your sight.

No, I had my back turned.

But just for a moment.

Well, I'd say it was more like a minute than a moment.

Oh, for god's sake, just say they were in your sight, Hank.

Peggy, the man is an official of the United States airlines.

I'd be committing perjury.

It's clean.

So just the 2 bags, then?

Yup. And this tank of propane.

Oh, man!

Oh, don't worry.

That was in my sight the entire time.

[People chattering]

[Sighs]

They let that woman bring an oxygen tank on the plane.

[Woman chattering on P.A. system]

[Whoops]

I get to use my junior-college I.D.

That's me in the picture.

I got the giggles 'cause there were these 4 girls

and they...

[Laughing]

[Chuckles]

Well, now we've all got the giggles.

You better sit down over there. Yeah.

Any seats left to billings?

Yes, sir. That'll be $719.

What? I paid $250 for my ticket.

That's the price I want.

Sir, you bought your ticket 6 months ago.

You are buying miss platter's ticket on the day of travel.

All right, listen. Miss platter is traveling to Montana

to see her father for Thanksgiving.

She hasn't seen him in years.

Doesn't that mean anything to your airline?

[Sighs]

I'm gonna write a personal check,

and in the memo line I am writing "unfair."

[Man chattering on P.A. system]

How long are you gonna be in Arizona, Mr. Redcorn?

Well, just for the Thanksgiving weekend.

Hey, do your people even celebrate thanksgivin'?

We did, once.

[Rain pattering]

Uh, sug', maybe I should see John redcorn to the gate,

make sure he gets off all right.

Good idea, sweetheart.

Joseph and I will go find a broken meter to park the bug-abago.

Uncle Hank, a man just asked me

if I wanted to join the mile high club.

Could you get me an application?

Well, I would think they would have 'em on the plane, luanne.

(Kahn) Hey, Hank!

Look, minh, it's the early birds.

[Laughs]

Hey, Hank, our flight same time as yours.

I saw you leave house at 10:00 A.M.

We leave 5 hours later.

You still waiting, you dumb redneck.

Yeah, ok. Happy Thanksgiving.

Oh, yeah. You, too.

Ok, mother platter, we're all set to board here,

so, uh, hope you're ready to eat some smoked Turkey

with humble pie for dessert.

Uh, no, Peggy's still plannin' to make a brown Betty.

Yeah, yeah, I was just, uh...

Never mind.

(Man on p.A.System) Good afternoon, passengers traveling to billings.

We regret to inform you that the bad weather.

Has forced a delay of your flight.

What?

But my daddy's on a day pass.

Excuse me, sir. Hank hill.

I would like to volunteer my services in any way necessary

to help get this plane off the ground, so put me to work.

Sir, crowding me will not get you out any faster.

It's sleeting out there and the runways are like skating rinks.

[Gasps]

Uh, uncle Hank, they can't delay Thanksgiving, can they?

They just did.

No, mother platter, I'm not calling from the plane.

Those phones are only for emergencies.

We just have a small delay.

Hank, I wanna make sure

my mom has all the ingredients for my brown Betty.

Which I have made every year from 1976

until I die, inclusive.

I will need margarine and not butter.

Is that Peggy?

(Hank) Yeah.

Tell her we use butter in this house.

Uh, ok.

She got butter, didn't she?

[Timer dings]

(Man on radio) Ooh, you said it, bing.

The weather outside here is frightful.

If you're flying out d.F.W., bad news.

All flights are delayed.

[Sniggers]

[All protesting]

They should let the man do his job.

Dad, I know you said to try,

but I can't eat this.

It's salad.

Hank, the boy needs protein or he'll pass out.

Now, break open that box.

Thanksgiving will go on with a one-legged Turkey.

One-legged Turkey?

I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.

Other than, "shame on you."

Oh!

(Connie) Hey, Bobby.

Ooh, Connie.

How'd you get that teriyaki-beef bowl so fast?

My dad.

[Bobby groaning]

Here you go, ma'am.

Uh-uh, I'm district manager, pitching in.

Crazy day, huh?

[Laughs]

Go to the front of the line.

Mr. So up ha no us in phone will give you some food.

Hold up, Bobby.

That ain't right. We're not animals.

We'll wait in line like everybody else.

Hank, the ability to cut ahead in line

is what separates us from the animals.

Ok, people, personal insults and criticisms directed toward me.

Will not get your plane out any faster.

In just a few minutes we will begin...

(Man) You're an ass!

We will begin de-icing your plane for take-off.

Thank you, sir.

Ruthann, I was just in the bathroom next to the pilot.

He told me they don't have enough workers to de-ice their planes.

But t.W.A. Does, and they're honoring all tickets.

[Peggy speaking Spanish]

Yes, do you know where I can catch the t.W.A. Flight?

I think it's gate cincuenta y ocho.

[Woman chattering on P.A. system]

58.

Come on, Hank. You heard the man.

We have to go to gate cincuenta y ocho. Andale!

That was nothing but third-hand gossip.

You're a ct in' like you're drunk.

[Gasps]

Look, Bobby, choc full of chips

just opened a second register.

Oh, god!

Hank! Hank! Bobby got away.

What?

Get him! Go get him!

(Hank) Bobby! What are you...

[Panting]

[Grunts]

What's the matter with you?

[Panting]

Cookies.

Hank, did you hear that announcement?

The gate agent just said we're supposed to go to the t.W.A. Flight.

What? Uh, all right. Let me go ask him and...

No, there is no time.

The plane leaves in 10 minutes.

Joseph, here's a roll of quarter-sized aluminum slugs.

Go knock yourself out at the video arcade.

[Chuckling]

[People laughing]

Shackelford. Admiral rusty shackelford.

I'll keep my coat.

Admiral, admiral.

Lady admiral, admiral.

I'm sorry, admiral.

There's no smoking in the terminal building.

You're not sorry, and I'm not an admiral.

For the 3rd time, sir, we don't even fly to Montana.

Well, you check it again.

My wife heard an official announcement.

Tell her, Peggy.

All right, Peggy, you lied to me about the announcement.

That's strike one.

What?

Oh, don't start with that baseball.

That's 2.

What happens when he gets to 3?

He doesn't know.

Where's everybody going?

Did we miss the flight?

No. It's been canceled till tomorrow morning.

Canceled? Now you listen to me.

I know my rights as a passenger, and you...

Attention, remaining passengers.

We are holding a block of rooms at the econosuites.

A shuttle Van is waiting to take you there.

Nope. Uh-uh. There are too many people and not enough seats.

Do the math, Hank.

Well, if this Van fills up, they'll send a 2nd one.

Hank rutherford hill, is "naive" your middle name?

There is no second Van, and there will never be

enough rooms at the hotel.

(Boomhauer) Hey, yo, man! Hank, man!

Looks like a dang old layover, man.

Looks like I'm going to wind up

something special on the ground, man.

You know what I'm saying?

The hotel vans are over here.

Where is he going?

Hank, we are fighting a war here

called "Thanksgiving at the airport."

Now, we can either stand here and take it like the French,

or we can beat the rest of these chumps to the hotel. Now, come on.

Hank, Peggy!

[Groans]

(Bill) Hey, did you hear?

Uh, the whole airport's shut down.

We're stuck here all night.

Bill, get the car.

Mr. Dauterive, did your uncle's flight get in ok?

Oh, yeah, sure.

So can we meet him?

No. He... he's back in arlen.

Then why are you here?

We had a fight. He bit me.

Bill, I still don't understand why you're actually here.

Do you want a ride or not?

Bill, keep your eyes on the road.

No, don't worry, Peggy.

[Tires screeching]

[Buzzing]

Strike 2-and-a-half.

[Sighs]

[Grunts]

Um.

[Exclaims]

Get the hell out of there.

There's no smokin' in the airport.

(Hank) Well, that was a wonderful waste of time.

[Inhaling]

[Exclaims]

[Yells]

Admiral in distress! Admiral in distress!

Now, we wanna be on the first flight tomorrow morning.

So I'm gonna set my watch alarm for 5:30.

(Man on P.A. system) Paging passenger Tom gannoway.

Please pick up the nearest white courtesy phone.

Peggy, Peggy I think that's Tom gannoway.

All right. Good night, everybody.

[Watch alarm beeping]

(Man on p.A.System) Good morning, and happy thanksgivin' to you all.

I'm pleased to announce flight 211 to billings is now boarding.

We know it's been a difficult night,

but in appreciation of your Patience,

your headsets will be free.

Miss platter, we've oversold the coach section.

Since you're traveling on a full-fare coach ticket,

we're going to bump you up to first class.

[Giggles]

Good morning, hills.

Yes, I use gold club miles to upgrade to honeymoon suite.

Best rest of my life.

Yeah? Well, I was too excited to sleep, I tell you what.

I'm goin' to visit my in-laws.

I'm sorry, sir. You're gonna have to check that.

[Sighs] This isn't fair.

It meets the cubic feet requirement.

It's just oddly shaped.

Oh, for god's sake, Hank.

There's no time. Just check it.

(Stewardess) Please hurry up and take your seats.

We only have a small break in the weather to take off.

Well, they're still loading the luggage.

Looks like a good crew.

Boy, that big girl can really toss a bag.

Look at her.

Um. That curtain over there. What's it for?

It separates first class from coach.

I'd like that closed.

Hey, there's my Turkey box.

[Chuckles]

Ah, those dogs sure know a good smoked Turkey when they smell it.

(Handler) Let's get out of here!

Hey, they're not gonna forget my Turkey, are they?

Peggy, get the stewardess.

Oh, no, forget it. Here comes somebody.

(Hank) What? What in the heck is he doin'?

My god, Hank! That's the bomb squad.

There's a bomb?

No, no, it's not a bomb. It's a Turkey.

I-It's a smoked Turkey, you idiot.

Get away from there. Stop that!

(Hank) You... you there.

Oh, please, god, no!

[Explosion]

[Gagging]

(Stewardess) I'm sorry, but the bad weather has moved back in,

and we've lost our window for take-off.

You blew up the wrong man's Turkey.

Now get me to Montana.

I've got 10 hours to buy and smoke a bird.

Well, d.F.W. Is completely shut down.

[Exclaims]

Love field is gettin' flights out.

There's one to Montana that leaves in an hour.

Love field is clear across town.

The airport bus is Ieavin' in 5 minutes.

It's your only chance.

D-Did you hear something? W-What'd he say?

Uh, nothing.

Looks like we're gonna be here a while.

Dang airlines, you know.

Yeah.

Get your bags, start walking.

Bobby, luanne, follow me.

Hank, where are we going? What the...

Just walk.

Walk slowly. Walk. Walk. Walk.

Run!

[Peggy and Bobby groaning]

[Bobby panting]

Oh, Hank, they are jammed butt to gut in there. There's no room.

You said this was war, right?

Well, I'm tired of fighting fair.

We're gonna do it your way, Peggy,

the dirty way.

Hold on. I got 4 more.

You can try.

Bobby, I need an inch.

[Groans]

[Grunts]

Montana, here we come.

[Engine revving]

[Sighs]

Wait. Stop the bus.

[Brakes squealing]

Y'all have a happy Thanksgiving.

No, it was not brown Betty.

No, it was bread.

When I gave up my place on that bus,

I assumed the food court would be open.

Well, I told my mother we weren't gonna make it,

and she was disappointed.

And luanne, honey, I'm sorry, but your father...

Your father had to go back to the oil rig.

There were no flight delays in Montana.

[Sobs]

The temperature's been in the mid-seventies.

[Sobbing] Oh, no!

[Sniffing] They went swimming.

[Peggy crying]

Hey, boomhauer, I'm sorry you didn't get to see your mother.

Hey, man, you wanna talk about sorry, man.

That dang old stewardess, dang old born again

talking about a dang old cold shower.

4 hours stuck on the tarmac.

I look out window, what do I see?

A frozen gribble.

The only thing that kept me goin'

was my will to smoke again

and the ashtrays from an alitalia flight.

(John) There you are, Nancy.

I've been searching all over the airport for you.

Oh, Dale, I searched for you as well.

[Sniffing] This is the worst Thanksgiving ever.

Come on, everybody.

We've all got a lot to be thankful about.

It doesn't matter if we're in Montana or California or Miami.

The important thing is we're all together.

So let's have our Thanksgiving dinner.

Now, uh, I've got a stick of gum.

I was saving it for the airplane,

you know, to pop my ears.

I have some leftover pizza from papa Capone's.

Yo, man, I got them dang old airplane nuts, man.

Dang old bag, man. That's about all I got.

I have a can of yams.

Uh, I got some Turkey and all the trimmings.

Uh, actually, I don't have anything.

I... I don't even have an uncle Stan.

I... I made him up.

Yeah, yeah, I kind of figured that.

Very sad.

I guess cold pizza's better than nothing.

It doesn't have to be cold.

(Hank) Ok.

As is tradition,

I will now carve the Thanksgiving pizza.

(Peggy) Wait a second.

With those sugar packets,

these pats of margarine, some leftover pizza crust,

and that propane grill, I can Jerry bake us up a brown Betty.

(Hank) Well, you do make the best brown Betty...

(Peggy) Yes, I do.

(Bill) I hate Thanksgiving.