Original subtitles

Did you win?

"Sorry. Please drink another beer."

That's what I call losing the battle, but winning the war.

Yeah, hurry up, Hank. Finish your beer.

It could be the winning alamo beer can.

The odds of winning that contest are 1-in-1,000,000.

Yeah, if you only drink one beer.

[Slurping]

Ah.

Ah.

Imagine, Hank. A trip to New Orleans,

a chance to meet "dandy" Don Meredith

and win one of those really big cardboard checks.

Mmm.

"Sorry. Please drink another beer."

Well, they ask nicely.

"Sorry. Please drink another beer."

[Belching]

That made some room.

Well, I think I'm gonna call it a night.

Pour it on the ground. See if you won.

I have never poured out beer, even to put out a grass fire.

(Luanne) Hey, uncle Hank.

(Hank) Luanne.

[Slurping]

Ah.

[Screaming]

First of all, you didn't win anything.

Uh-uh, I won $1 million.

No, the contest gives the winner the right

to go to the Dallas cowboys-New Orleans saints game

and throw a football through a small hole

in a large beer can for $1 million.

Or have Dallas cowboys legend Don Meredith throw it to win $100,000.

If you'd read the point-of-purchase display at 7-11, you'd know that.

Ok. So I throw the ball through the hole and then I win.

No, I paid for that beer. So it's mine.

Let's just say it is your beer.

How old are you?

19-and-a-half.

Exactly. If you tried to claim your prize

you'd be incarcerated for underage drinking.

So, if it's your beer, you'd get to go to jail.

Now, if it's my beer, you get to come to New Orleans with us.

Your call.

New Orleans!

[Giggles]

So, Hank, what are you gonna do with the $100,000?

Course, you could go for the $1 million.

[All laughing]

You know, I don't think a civilian's ever made it.

A 10-yard pass through a 1-foot hole,

people screaming in the stands.

Thank god for Don Meredith.

(Dale) Thank you, god.

It's like they're paying us $100,000 to meet Don Meredith.

Something I would have done for free.

That money could pay for Bobby's college,

and a mini-fridge for his dorm room.

Yeah.

You know, we could buy all sorts of higher education

and appliances with, uh, $1 million.

What?

Are you really thinking of taking that throw yourself?

(Hank) Uh,

what would you think if I was thinking that?

Hank, honey, if you are willing to give up

a sure thing and go for the million,

well, you've got more frijoles than any man I've ever known.

[Moans]

What you doing, Hank?

Uh, I'm just seeing what it's gonna be like

for Don Meredith at the super do me.

How about I come with?

I've always wanted to eat fried dough

in the most corrupt city on earth.

Uh, that's nice and all, but you don't have to bother.

It's no bother. You can drive us

and we'll stay in your hotel room.

[Sighs] Well,

I guess we could...

Wingo, men! We're going to "nahlens"!

You know, I'll come with, too.

The dauterives are from Louisiana.

I lived in the bayou till I was 6 years old.

My aunt Esme still lives there.

You think we could look her up?

[Sighs]

Dang it, I know we can.

I planned out the route to New Orleans very carefully.

There is plenty of time for a side trip.

Bill, I didn't know you grew up

in cajun country and I don't care.

[Grunts]

Hmm.

And how is my man with the golden arm?

Call the bank.

Make sure they have room in our account for $1 million.

You're gonna go for it?

Oh, Hank. Yeah.

Well, I made 42 out of 50.

Would have made 43 but I used a throw to drop a blue Jay at 20 feet

before he could poop on your car.

You're that good.

Mmm-hmm

I guess you could say my aim is deadly.

[Chuckling]

That blue Jay is fine, though.

[Clerk speaking cajun French]

[Laughing]

Uh, he's speaking some kind of French.

Let me handle this. I speak Spanish.

It's the same thing. Hey!

[Speaking broken Spanish]

He wants a tip.

[Speaking cajun French]

Well, I had no idea that you spoke cajun.

Perhaps that's because I try not to ask you questions.

I had no idea either.

[Speaking cajun French]

(Hank) Good lord.

I always figured your family lived in a tarpaper shack.

Nope.

[Birds chirping]

[All exclaiming]

[Gasps]

Oh!

[Speaking French]

[Speaking French]

(Bill) Hank, Peggy, Bobby, hi.

Luanne, Dale, boomhauer.

Who are you?

Answers in the form of English, please.

The man of the house.

Dale gribble.

I am Rose, the youngest.

Oh, yeah.

I am Lilly, the youngest looking.

You're terrible.

I am violetta, the pretty one.

You are a garden of women.

And you are the Guillaume we've heard so much about.

The last remaining dauterive male or, should I say...

Oh, don't bother.

[Grunting]

[Chuckling]

You kind of snuck up on me there.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I've always been a creeper.

Violetta says I creep like the kudzu vines

that are slowly, but surely strangling our Dixie.

Ah.

What fascinating thing are you all doing?

Uh, I'm gonna be throwing at a target about yea big

at the cowboys-saints game.

If I make it, I win $1 million.

Golden Richards was a Dallas cowboy.

Yeah, yeah, he caught a touchdown pass in super bowl xii.

He was a beautiful man.

I knew him briefly.

[Groans]

My husband, alfonse dauterive,

Guillaume's uncle by blood.

When did he pass?

Oh, he lingers in a room in the back of the house,

hanging on by the thread of a hope

he'll see the dauterive name

passed on to another generation.

Does Guillaume have any sons?

Nope. Bill is unhappily divorced and without child.

[Sighs]

Pity. The dauterive blood is down to a trickle.

My 2 sons and my son-in-law, jirac, Renee, and emeril

died of arteriosclerosis in their 20s.

Leaving 3 desperate childless widows

to wander this house.

They are strings on a harp

stretched far too taut.

If they are not strummed soon, I'm afraid...

[Chuckling]

Well, they really need to be strummed.

This is right out of Shakespeare.

This is my husband jirac.

The Louisiana diet will kill a man as surely as a sword.

Uh-huh. So, uh, well,

y-y-you're not married?

I'm all alone in this world, Guillaume.

[Speaking French]

[Both moaning]

[Gasps]

[Groans]

[Triangle chiming]

Rose? Rose?

Oh, hello, Lilly. That was pretty.

Was that a song or... or is it suppertime?

[Sighs]

My late husband Renee and I used to make music together.

Now they're only notes.

♪ [Playing accordion]

♪ [Humming]

Oh, you play beautifully.

I'm as surprised as you are.

[Moaning]

[Both moaning]

[Groans]

Robaire,

a young gentleman like you should dress for dinner.

Let's just poke around my old chifforobe

and find you something suitable.

My lord.

This muggy November weather gives me the horribles.

Robaire, this here is velvet, not velveteen.

A gentleman must learn the difference.

My lord.

(Jobaire) Dinner, like youth, will be served.

[People chattering]

Yo.

(Lilly) Hello.

I present you young master robaire.

[All applauding and murmuring]

Lovely.

Oh, my god.

Uh, Bobby, why don't you let me sit next to jobaire

so we can, uh, talk sports.

So, uh,

jobaire, how do the saints look this year, huh?

[Chuckles] I'm more familiar with sinners than saints, my dear,

and sinners always look good.

♪ [Playing accordion]

[Panting]

[Hank sighs]

Get me out of here.

Honey, you need to try and relax before your big throw.

[Sighing] Yeah.

You know, I'm not sure being a millionaire is such a good idea.

Bobby's only been around rich people for a few hours

and he already looks like that kid on the paint can.

There's more to it than that, isn't there?

[Sighs]

This place. It... it gives me the creeps.

Everything's upside down.

Bill's getting women, and Bobby, well...

I missed a bunch of throws today and I'm just thinking

what happens when I get to the super do me

with all those fans watching?

Don't you think Don Meredith missed a few passes in practice?

But when the game was on the line, he put it right on the money

to "bullet" Bob Hayes and Lance "no pants" rentzel.

See, that's just it. He's the quarterback.

I bet if the contest was about

selling propane, he'd let me do it.

You can do this.

Then, after we get back to arlen,

we'll put the $1 million in a trust fund

so it won't ruin Bobby till after we're dead.

[Sighing]

I hate zydeco.

(Hank) Where's your bag, bill?

I've decided to stay for a few days.

Bill, those women are trying to seduce you.

You think so, too?

I was afraid it was just me.

Listen to me. 2 of these women

are widows of the dead dauterive sons.

They are only related by marriage.

So, they are in play.

But one of them is your flesh-and-blood cousin.

She is your ticket to hell.

Oh, my god. Which one is my cousin?

That I do not know.

So, just to be safe, keep your hands off all 3.

I still have a 2-out-of-3 chance.

I never had those odds.

Bill, if you think...

Goodbye, Peggy.

Well, I need a window seat

because this flower is wilting.

Oh, lord! All right, everyone in the car.

Now. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

Have a pleasant journey,

and don't be afraid to ask directions

from someone who has already been

where you think you need to go.

What's that supposed to mean?

Let "dandy" Don Meredith take the throw.

[Sighs]

Hank, I'd like you to meet Don Meredith.

Uh, so, you must be Hank hill.

[Chuckles] Mr. Meredith,

I have admired you from your playing days

to Monday night football to your iced-tea commercials.

Well, my mom always calls me "Don" or "Donnie."

[Chuckles] Wow! That's a great story, Mr. Meredith.

Uh, sir, this is my wife, Peggy.

If you were a woman

I believe my husband would have married you instead of me.

[Chuckles] Funny how life works out.

Well, who's this little future nose guard?

Look, Don, I'm a dandy, too.

Why, you sure are, little sport.

[Chuckles] Yeah.

Hey, that reminds me, Don. I've got your old Jersey

for you to wear during the contest.

[Whistles]

Nah. I hung that thing up a long time ago.

Why don't you let my friend Hank here wear it?

Oh, I would be honored.

You got the pants, too?

Oh, yeah. Cowboy metallic blue.

[Both chuckle]

Like father, like son.

There you go, sport.

[Grunting]

[Screams]

Oh, Rose.

I was just tidying up your husband's grave.

Oh, you are a sweet, sweet man.

D-a-u...

Dauterive! Your husband is a dauterive, and he's dead.

Take me. Ok.

[Bill and Rose moaning]

[Crowd cheering]

[Marching band music]

Now's the time to fake an injury if you want to.

It's halftime, Hank. We're on.

[Crowd cheering]

Now it's time for the alamo beer.

Million dollar throw.

Alamo beer would like to welcome our contest winner,

Hank hill from arlen, Texas.

And Dallas cowboy legend, "dandy" Don Meredith.

Hey, dad!

What's it gonna be, Hank?

Are you gonna go for the million.

Or are you gonna let "dandy" Don try for $100,000?

Don't worry, Peggy.

Our boy's going to college.

I'm gonna take the sure thing.

Aren't you gonna take off your jacket?

[Grunts]

[Crowd exclaiming]

Tough break, son.

(Alamo man) How about a nice hand for "dandy" Don Meredith?

He didn't even take off his jacket.

I want a do-over.

I could have made that throw.

Hey, where are you going?

You owe my son a college education.

Hey, you! Get back here. Oh!

[Crowd exclaiming]

Rose?

Uh-uh, it is I, violetta.

Oh, I'm glad you're here.

Can I ask you something?

The answer is yes.

Yeah, I know. But your first husband,

what is the name on his final resting crypt?

Answer him, violetta.

Lilly, be gone!

Hi, Lilly. This is wrong.

Violetta is your blood cousin, Guillaume.

She's lying.

I am not your cousin. She is.

You are the liar.

Guillaume.

Rose?

We are not alone.

Yes. I know. She is your cousin.

No, she is.

No, she is.

[Women grunting]

[Groans]

Jobaire?

Your cousin is violetta.

[Both hissing]

Now, how long you been sitting there?

35 years.

I was the quarterback, and I had a clear path to the end zone.

But, instead, I handed it off to a guy in a fuzzy coat

who threw it like a place-kicker.

I do believe I'll give room service a jingle.

And have them send up some etouffee.

(Bobby) No!

(Hank) Hey!

Hold it right there.

What do you want?

An apology.

Ha, you're the one who blindsided a quarterback at the knees, hoss.

Uh, well, yeah,

I guess that was unsportsmanlike conduct.

I'm sorry. But still... well.

Here's my point.

I would have made that throw.

Uh-huh!

If "if" and "buts" were candy and nuts,

we'd all have a merry Christmas.

I would have.

All right, hoss, prove it.

Take us to the super do me, cabby.

Violetta tells me she discovered you

in a compromising position with Rose and Lilly.

Tell me this.

Were you here to till the soil and nurture the vine

or were you just playing in the garden?

Playing.

I think it would be best if you took your leave.

Can I say goodbye to the girls?

10 yards,

one shot.

Congratulations, son. You feel better?

No, it's not the same.

There's no fans in the stands.

There's no pressure, and I didn't win $1 million.

Let me tell you something, Hank.

What happened yesterday is gone.

Maybe you would have made that throw, but you picked me.

Yeah, I picked you. But I thought at least

you would have taken off your jacket.

Hank, I practiced that throw all week at home.

I even made a 10-foot-tall replica of the alamo beer can.

It gets cold in new Mexico this time of the year.

So I wore my coat.

I wasn't gonna change that yesterday.

I didn't want to screw up my throwing motion.

Huh, well,

had I known that, I probably wouldn't have tackled you.

Damned if I didn't want to come through for you.

I'm sorry I let you down,

but you'll be a lot happier if you let this one go, Hank.

I'll never have a chance like this again.

Nope, you won't.

You know, there's something I wanted as much as you wanted that $1 million.

Don, you have everything.

You were a cowboy during the Landry years.

I wanted to go to the super bowl.

Came close, but it never happened.

Never will. And that's all right.

I've never looked back.

It is an honor just to be on the field with you, "dandy" Don.

You know, I built a 10-foot alamo beer can, too.

Huh, did you spot-weld it or hot glue? Weld.

That's the only way to go, hoss.

Nice weekend, bill?

Both of 'em.

(Hank) Wow, that's a great story, Mr. Meredith.