Original subtitles

♪ [Music playing]

Look at her, the rubbermason 170l.

Sure-grip handles, multi-terrain tires,

50-gallon capacity.

Yeah. Sold. Mmm-hmm.

All-terrain, man.

Gentlemen, this trash can is indestructible.

You can tip it, you can run it over with your truck,

you can drop it from the moon

and provided it made it through the atmosphere,

it would hit the ground ready to accept your refuse.

Oh. How... how many beer cans do you think she can hold? 1,000?

She can hold 1,000 beer cans when she's half full

with 1,000 beer cans.

Hey, I see you get new deep fryer.

Well, actually, kahn, it's an injection-molded...

Joking.

You hillbillies chew on that while I'm jetting off to Hawaii

for biggest computer convention there is,

systems expo Maui in Hawaii.

You going dang old Hawaii, man,

dang old grass skirts, man, old dig it.

♪ [Humming]

Yeah, man.

That's not even the best part.

My boss wants me to give big-time speech.

I get 5 whole minutes.

Peons only get 3.

You ever make 5-minute speech, Hank?

No. Only 3.

Baby-sitter violate parole?

Yeah, I'd say that's an issue.

Kahn, we have no nanny for Connie.

[Moaning]

Cruel, cruel fate.

This Maui speech could be my steppingstone

from systems analyst to senior systems analyst.

Connie's old enough to stay by herself, right?

No, kahn.

Maybe Connie can stay with one of the neighbors.

[Shudders]

(Minh) But which evil is lesser?

[Smoke detector beeping]

[Sighs]

The smoke detectors work, kahn.

The toilet seats are clamped down,

and I put new non-slip daisies in each tub.

So, aloha.

Here's Connie's baby-sitting book, version 4.0

with seafood-allergy upgrade.

(Minh) Everything you need to know is in here.

It teach you how to be a parent this week.

What time Connie should eat, acceptable reading material.

Newsweek?

[Chuckles] Not in this house.

Oh, how very nice. You included recipes.

[Exclaiming]

Oh, look, and pictures.

Well, that's good because I have no idea

what scrambled eggs look like.

[Car horn honking] Oh, that's the limo to airport.

This is anti-bacterial hand gel.

Leave a thin protective film on you at all time.

I see you next week.

I can't believe your girlfriend is going to be living with you.

My parents won't even let me go in a chat room.

I know. And my dad said we could camp out in the living room

in our sleeping bags.

In our sleeping bags.

You're going to be seeing each other in nothing but your pajamas.

I never thought about it like that.

[Bobby moans]

Choo-choo trains. Oh, man.

Ah!

The turtles, these may work.

[Groans]

[Doorbell ringing]

Man! What you doing, man?

Old coming over here like this, man?

I need some advice.

I don't know what to sleep in.

You know, if there's a girl in the house.

Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang old

there's a girl in the house right now, man. Uh-huh

then what should I wear?

Well, you know, dang old can't go wrong with old silk, man.

Some old kind of flannel, man.

Dang old itch your bottom, man.

She wears top, he wears bottom.

You know what I'm saying, man?

Yeah, I was thinking the ninja turtles with underwear.

I tell you what, man, let me know how it goes, man,

how that dang old works out.

First call, man.

(Bobby) I always put my napkin on my lap.

I sit down, boom, on my lap.

[Giggling]

This is a great dinner, Mrs. Hill.

Well, we have your mother to thank for that.

She recommended that I stir the macaroni with a spoon.

No more burned hands, Hank.

And the steak, tastes so clean.

Well, that's the propane, Connie.

You see, it's a much smoother grill than charcoal

and at a fraction of the cost.

You know what I've always wondered?

Propane is called liquid petroleum, but isn't it a gas, Mr. Hill?

Please, Connie, call me Hank.

(Connie) And my dad just crawled out the window and never paid.

So this is gossip.

[Chuckles]

It's pretty good.

If you're done, Mrs. Hill, I'll take your plate in with mine.

And she has manners, too.

May I take those plates out of your way, sir.

And can I tempt you with some toaster strudels

or are we watching our figures?

Just take the plates, Bobby.

Very good, sir.

[Sighs]

This is nice, just the two of us.

The squeak of the gloves.

The lemony smell.

Uh, there's still a big hunk of fat on this one.

Thanks, I'm glad you're here.

We make a good team.

Let me hook you up with some more suds.

My name is... what?

My name is... who?

My name is slick a-slick a slim shady.

Extended club mix.

♪ [Beat boxing]

Hey, deejay, everybody is a wick-wick-wack...

All right, kids, lights out.

Good night, Mr. and Mrs. Hill.

It's pretty dark.

Are you scared?

It's not that dark in here.

Oh, but sure, I could be a little scared.

I could get my night light.

No, that's ok, Bobby, good night.

I guess I'm tired, too.

[Alarm ringing]

So, are your lips numb?

A gentleman does not kiss and tell.

You chickened out.

Yes, sir, I did.

Now she's gonna think you don't like her.

I know.

Don't worry. I'm busting a move tonight.

[Bobby yawning]

(Bobby) Boy! I'm so tired.

I'd better hurry up and get to bed

before I fall asleep right here at the table.

[Scoffing]

How many cows do you people eat in a year?

Wait, we figured this out once.

Can I please be excused?

Uh, well, sure.

Me, too, please.

You rushed off before dessert.

And I took the Liberty of snagging us each a piece of bundt cake.

I just brushed my teeth.

So did I.

If you just brushed your teeth,

then why are you eating bundt cake?

You're just going to have to brush your teeth again.

Why don't you ever think?

[Moans]

Connie, do you like your syrup warm or cold?

Personally, I could go either way.

Can you bother someone else for 5 minutes

so I can go to the bathroom?

Yes.

[Grunts]

Connie, honey, it's past 8:00 already.

(Connie) Um...

I do not know what she's doing in there for so long.

I think she's taking a Bobby break.

Hank, you're gonna have to take Connie to school.

Bobby and I are late already.

[Sighs]

Is Mrs. Hill home?

No, she left for school already.

[Stuttering] I-I'm just...

I'm sorry?

Um,

it's just that I'm... and I...

Huh?

"Mr. Hill, I just got my first period."

[Screams]

(Hank) Oh, god!

I don't want you to worry about a thing, Connie.

I passed the osha emergency management course

all 9 years I was required to take it.

Are you sure about this?

Pretty sure.

[Groans]

Come on. Come on. Come on.

"Vaccination record, complete list of prime numbers."

Don't worry, Connie, we're gonna get through this somehow.

Ok, do you have any idea how to tie a tourniquet?

No.

[Sobbing]

Oh, man!

This is the best speech ever written.

J.f.k. Got nothing on me. "Profiles in jealousy."

You need to relax, kahn. Come, we throw frisbee,

where it land, that's where we make crazy love.

Oh, yeah.

I am bad boy of systems analysis.

[Ringing]

[Sighs]

(Man on phone) Tom Landry middle school.

I need to speak with Mrs. Peggy hill.

I'm sorry. District policy prohibits

disturbing a teacher in the classroom.

Peggy is my wife and I want her disturbed right now.

I'll connect you to her voice mail.

No, but...

(Woman) The person you have reached...

(Peggy) Hello, this is Peggy hill.

I am so sorry I cannot take your call.

Please leave a message.

(Woman) ...Is not available. To leave a message...

[Ringing]

Hello.

[Gulping]

Um.

(Tilly) Hello?

[Sighs]

Is she gonna be ok?

She is going to be fine.

I've taken care of things for now,

but here's a list of products for Connie,

which you can pick up at any pharmacy.

[Sighs]

Couldn't you just give her the stuff?

You are a hospital.

No, you have to go and buy them.

I mean, let's say I got stitches.

You might send me home with a box of band-aids

if I asked for them, right?

Band-aids aren't going to work in this situation.

Please don't try band-aids.

(Announcer on P.A. system) Clean up, aisle 2b.

[Sighing] Aisle 8a.

Boy, we sure are a long way from automotive.

You have your list? Yes.

Just because I started my period doesn't mean

I can't hold on to a piece of paper.

Ok then, I'll just, uh, wait right here for you.

[Sighing]

Come on, Connie, pick something, anything.

Don't make me come down there.

[Groaning]

[Sobbing]

[Groans]

No! Hold on, Connie.

This really sucks, Mr. Hill.

My mom taught me nothing.

$6.95 for one stupid box?

Oh, I only have $5.

Can I borrow 2 stupid dollars?

It-it's ok, Connie, it's on me.

We'll get you all set up here.

Oh, Chuck.

(Connie) You know, Mr. Hill,

maybe this isn't such a big deal after all.

No, not such a big deal.

In fact, this is such a little deal

that we won't have to talk about it anymore.

Now, how do I change one of these things?

[Car tires screeching] What the...

[All screaming]

[Car tires screeching]

I can't look.

She never even got to see her first trash day.

[Gasping]

[Laughs]

Big bad can.

Where's Bobby?

It's Connie.

Hank, what is it?

You know, the special time in girls' lives

and freshness and all that.

Oh, my lord!

Oh, poor Connie.

Poor Connie?

Poor me. I had to learn about mega lo absorbency.

You went down aisle 8a?

We have been married for 20 years

and I can't get you past aisle 5.

I wasn't joyriding, Peggy.

It was a medical emergency.

Well, why didn't you call me sooner?

I tried calling you, I tried calling minh and kahn.

I even hung up on my own mother.

And she's such a nice woman.

Well, Hank, you did your best, but I'm in charge now.

You keep trying minh and kahn.

I'll talk to Connie and then I'll talk to Bobby.

I don't think Bobby should know about this.

It's bad enough that I know about this.

Do you want to be in charge, Hank?

No.

Uh-oh.

Last time you were waiting for me,

I learned about goldfish heaven.

Come on, Bobby, let's go to what-a-burger.

All right!

Oh, god! Where's ladybird?

I now pass the sword to my good friend.

Kahn soup ha no us in phone.

[Audience applauding]

[Cell phone rings]

Hello?

Oh, Hank hill, what do you want?

Kahn is at the podium.

[Shrieks]

Gentlemen and ladies of systems analysis.

What really bring us together here:

Systems or the sunshine?

I think we do best to remember the words of Maya angelou...

[Screams]

[Yells]

Bobby, you are at an age now when,

well, things are starting to change.

And while some things are better learned through guessing

or certain educational films,

some things are better learned from your parents.

Mom, why don't you gather your thoughts

while I get another order of onion rings.

Connie started her period.

What's that now?

She has taken her first steps to becoming a woman.

She can't be a woman. I'm still a kid.

Look at me, I even got the kids' meal.

I love this toy. Oh, Bobby.

Honey, you will catch up, eventually.

This year, next year, it does not matter when,

because you will always be mommy's little man.

[Groaning]

So, Connie.

You want to go jump off the bike ramp?

No.

Play soccer?

No.

Go swimming at the rec center?

[Sighs]

You know what I want to do, Bobby?

Sit here. Fine.

You sit on that couch. I'm young.

I'm young and alive

and I'm going outside to enjoy life.

[Sighs]

[Grunts]

[Cooing]

Word is, Connie's aunt flo is in town.

Yeah, probably 'cause she started her period.

She's got the curse and I think I caused it.

All my hormones being too close to her hormones.

It's all over, Bobby.

I heard that when girls get the curse,

they only go out with hairy high-school guys with cars.

I-I've got peach fuzz and a bike.

Where is my daughter?

I want to wake her up from this chicken-fried nightmare.

Mom, dad.

[Moaning]

It is very nice to see you again, kahn Jr.

Go with your mother. Yes.

You know, you could thank me for taking care of this, kahn.

It wasn't exactly easy.

Thank you? You're lucky I don't sue you.

Luck has nothing to do with it.

You've got no case.

[Truck approaching]

There's still time, hurry.

She's got room for 3 more.

♪ [Humming]

[Screams]

Hey, man, what you doing with that old trash?

I'll call 911, man.

Everything I love is taken from me.

What are you talking about?

She was my can.

(Female narrator on t.V.) The mother sings a gentle song.

Welcoming her calf to a watery new world.

Oh, minh, she's doing it again.

Help me. Make her stop.

I'm on it.

Mom, I was really mean to Bobby and I don't know why.

He annoying little boy.

Mom.

Kahn Jr

you have a p.M.S.

It's hard but very easy to understand.

You just yell and yell or you just cry and cry.

But it feels like I'm doing both of those at the same time.

Connie, you feel things more now.

Makes sad movies truly excellent.

You watch Titanic on the right day, it blow you away.

And you get intuition.

And I get to have babies.

Whoa, slow down, kahn Jr.

I tell you now what my mother told me.

[Speaking Laotian]

Mom, you don't know Bobby.

He's not like all the other boys.

All men are the same.

But now you are different.

And you must act different, like an adult.

Except at movie theater, where you child,

and your father and I students.

[Sighing]

[Sighing]

So, uh,

Dr. Hurtig says your teeth are looking good.

Attaboy!

Dad.

I think Connie is going to break up with me because she hates me.

She doesn't hate you.

Yes, she does.

She's no longer the girl who fell in love with me.

Now she's just the woman who yells at me.

Bobby, every woman has a period

of... of time, every month.

Even mom?

Bobby, if we're gonna get through this,

you cannot ask me questions like that.

My bad.

Now, every month a woman has this time

when she gets very angry at everything.

And usually, men are the everything.

It's like a tire fire. Trying to put it out only makes it worse.

You just got to let it burn.

Grab a beer and let it burn.

Hank hill, you ruin my life.

What can I do for you?

Uh, Connie left some things at my house.

I thought she might want them back.

Hey, Mr. Hill.

Thanks for letting me stay with you.

Sorry it was so boring.

[Chuckles] Yep.

[Giggles]

What the hell was that?

Why didn't she cry at you?

All she ever does is cry at me. It's not fair.

I make more money than you.

I think it's been a long day for all of us.

Tomorrow will be easier. For me, anyway.

Sure, everything easy for you.

You world's best father.

I seen the mug.

Me? I'm nothing.

I want mug, too, Hank hill.

Well, I just so happen to have a book here

that might help you out with that.

Oh, and, uh, I added an extra chapter at the beginning.

"Aisle 8a."

What is "aisle 8a"?

You know, it's the one next to the deodorants

and the, uh, ointments.

[Moaning]

Yeah. I know.

♪ [Playing]

Is this a bad time?

My mom says we shouldn't be alone together anymore

and that you only want one thing.

Did she say what that was, because I am so confused.

Me, too. This sucks.

So, now you're a woman?

Technically, I think I'm only a woman 4 days a month.

Only 4 days?

Well, that's for most people.

But you're super-organized.

I bet you can get through it in 2 days.

I don't think that's how it works.

[Sighs]

You know, if I was becoming a man

I wouldn't dump you.

I don't want to dump you, Bobby.

I still want to be your girlfriend.

But for those 4 days, when I'm a woman,

I don't want to be anywhere near you.

Deal. I'll see you in 2 days.

(Peggy) Do you want to be in charge, Hank?

(Hank) No.