Original subtitles

Oh, hey, Kimmy.

My God, would you look at all this mis-delivered mail?

This government can't do anything right.

Well, what can you expect from a president

with no real-world postal experience?

Anything for me?

Yeah, there's some tapes for Titus from Columbia House.

Oh, sweet!

We ordered the Rain Man soundtrack!

Sweet.

Also...

there's a letter for a Kimmy...

Oh, no, never mind,

because this is for Kimmy Schmidt.

Oh, that's probably for me, actually.

You know, Schmidt sounds a lot like Smith.

So you're saying that you're Kimberly Schmidt?

It's probably from my friend Cyndee.

Nope.

From the state of Indiana, you've been served.

What? Lillian!

See, I'm a drug lookout and a process server.

This way, when business is bad,

oof, business is good.

The new tapes are here!

- Tape day! - Forget the tapes.

I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that.

The Reverend's trial is starting,

and they called me as a witness.

What channel is it on?

I mean...

what channel is it on?

I'm trying to say something supportive.

What channel is it on?

I don't want to go, Titus.

Think of the greater good, girl.

You think the Reverend Martin Luther King

wanted to wear a bikini and put on angel wings

and gyrate on the "gay pride parade" float?

Foop, I'm mixing up my struggles.

Why do I have to go to a stupid trial?

I never want to see the stupid Reverend again.

And why stupid now?

I mean, Jacqueline is flipping out about her divorce.

Dong wants us to get married

before he gets kicked out of the country.

- I can't handle all this! - Superfoop!

Your trial isn't gonna be on national TV.

I'll have to watch it on the Internet.

What if I get cyber-bullied?

Well, I'm sorry it's inconvenient for you

to be entertained by the darkest chapter of my life.

Kimmy, sweetheart...

I'm gonna go to the library and watch it.

Damn it, I'm really trying to comfort you.

I'm gonna go to the library and watch it.

I'm gonna go... Sorry.

Library... Nope. You know what? Forget it.

I'm just gonna go to the library and watch it.

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

♪ Damn it ♪

"Women kidnapped"...

"bunker, trial."

Nope, not the one in the abandoned Bennigan's.

Not that one or that one.

Come on, Florida.

Scrolling, scrolling.

Indiana.

Finally.

What is up, society?

I'm Carla Tuesday live at the trial

of Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne

for kidnapping, lying to a census worker,

and, according to neighbors,

leaving Christmas lights up way too long.

There's Cyndee Pokorny.

Cyndee Pokorny, who are you wearing?

Kathy Ireland for Family Dollar.

Ooh, Donna Maria Nuñez.

Donna Maria Nuñez, ay-ay-ay.

Everyone in Durnsville loves your Mole Women mole Sauce.

This trial is a sham.

The Reverend only has to answer to Gosh Himself,

and that online quiz that tells him

which 90210 character he is.

He is Andrea.

The defendant, Richard Wayne,

is now entering the courtroom.

That's the Reverend?

It's not what I expected.

- Well, who do we have here? - Carla Tuesday, WDUR, the Dur.

Reverend Richard, is it true

that you'll be representing yourself?

Carla, let me tell you a little story.

I was walking on the beach with the Lord,

and there were two sets of footprints in the sand,

and then there were three sets of footprints,

and I said, "Who's that?"

And the Lord said, "It's Dale Earnhardt.

He's a big fan of yours."

My client won't be answering any more of your questions.

Stay in school, kids.

He cleans up well.

Back to you, Trent.

Good morning, Vera.

How is she today?

I don't know.

She didn't even touch her breakfast.

Good morning, Kimmy.

Mrs... Not Voorhees Anymore.

You look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

No, I got that lasered off.

Look, Kimmy, I know

that I have been overwhelmed with everything lately...

My cheating ex-husband, De Blasio's war on the rich,

not to mention these crow's feet

that I found in Buckley's bedroom.

And then you tell me you're a Mole Woman?

It's a lot.

Yeah, well, imagine being me.

Absolutely not!

But now I am in daily sessions with Tristafé,

and he says that none of that matters

because it has nothing to do with my me.

If I just follow my bliss,

I don't even have to think about that stuff.

I wish I could do that.

I can't even sleep at night.

I tried counting sheep, but then I started thinking,

"Why are all those sheep jumping over that fence?

What are they so afraid of? What's chasing them?"

You should go to Tristafé with me.

So it's like a group thing?

'Cause I didn't love

the last group thing you took me to.

Um... Mrs. Voorhees?

Oh, Kimmy, it's nothing weird.

It's just a fitness class.

Oh, okay.

Am I dressed all right?

The answer to that has never been yes.

There is no world outside this room.

This time is a sacrifice at the altar of you.

And who are you?

I am me!

I'm Marcia. He's Chris.

Who here likes justice?

That's why...

You...

Need to pronounce Reverend Wayne guilty.

Guilty.

Dang it.

Sorry, Marcia.

No, don't ever apologize

for trying your hardest.

Well, I'm not a fancy "lawyer" like these two.

Heck, the only book I ever read is the good book,

The Andromeda Strain by Michael Crichton.

And, of course, I never go anywhere

without my pocket Bible.

Now, this book has saved me in more ways than one.

In Vietnam, it stopped a bullet.

That was in 1994.

See, I'm a man of faith.

I believe in Gosh and his son Jeepers

and the Holy Ghost, who is here today supporting me.

Don't let that influence you.

I guess my point is,

last time I checked,

faith wasn't a crime in this country.

Mr. Foreman, can you read

what's written on this $20 bill

right under the words "The United States of America"?

"In God we trust."

Thank you. You may keep that.

So why am I being tried for my belief

that the apocalypse is coming?

Ladies and gentlemen...

the only thing I'm guilty of

is trying to save these girls from the end of days.

I just done goofed up the math and got the date wrong.

Now, if being bad at math is against the law,

well, then lock me up.

But you better lock up Bob from the CostRite too,

'cause he gives worse change than Obama.

Not my president.

Oh, my.

He is wonderful.

I mean, he's a bad person, but...

he sure is watchable.

Be quiet, Titus.

I'm trying to listen.

Shh!

I'd like to play you folks a little song

about another crazy preacher you might have heard of.

His name was Jesus.

♪ He was a one-eyed, one-horned ♪

♪ Flying purple people-eater ♪

♪ One-eyed, one-horned flying purple people-eater ♪

♪ One-eyed, one-horned flying purple people-eater ♪

♪ Sure looked strange to me ♪

♪ A one-eyed, one-horned flying purple people-eater ♪

♪ One-eyed, one-horned flying purple people-eater ♪

That was amazing.

I really focused on my me.

I didn't think about anything else.

Isn't it refreshing?

Next time, let's go early

so we can get bikes next to each other.

Oh, Kimmy, no.

You can't ride in the front row with me.

Tristafé will summon you forward when you've earned it.

I'll never forget where I was

when Tristafé asked me to join the front row.

I was in spin class.

I bet you'll be moving up soon.

You must have had an amazing trainer

down in the bunker.

Um...

I'm not running a restaurant here, Gretchen.

This is dinner.

Kimmy!

A little higher.

Sorry.

- How's that? - Yeah.

That was actually one of the things

I was trying not to think about.

But now I'm thinking about the bunker and the Reverend

and Dong getting deported

and that time I called my teacher "Mommy."

Oh, no, not Cyndee.

Oh, now I'm thinking about my divorce

and being on my own and how I had to listen

to that list of things you were thinking about.

When's the next class?

Hey, Kimmy, it's Cyndee Pokorny.

We were kidnapped together.

Uh, just wondering where you are,

'cause it's going real good here,

except it's going real bad.

Reverend Richard is a great man.

He didn't kidnap us. He saved us.

And he would have saved everyone

if he wasn't so worried about it being a sausage fest.

I'd like to use one of our do-overs, please.

Does anybody here speak Spanish?

Of course.

She said that the bunker was great,

and she'd do it again.

Mm!

I think you might have me confused with someone else.

I've never been to Durnsville in my life.

Yeah, you're a surprise witness.

If we knew who you were, it wouldn't be a surprise.

Anyhoo, you got to get here.

I'm supposed to testify tomorrow,

and you know how tricky the Reverend is.

And our lawyers don't seem to know

what the heck they're doing!

How do you think that went, Cyndee?

B? B-plus?

So is this your first case or...?

Ah, I love it.

See, this is why we moved here... Anonymity.

In Durnsville, we're just Marcia and Chris,

not famously incompetent California prosecutors.

Hey, he's in jail now.

So who has four thumbs and loosened that jelly jar?

The only thing that's important here

is for me and you

to see where this relationship can go.

Yeah.

Pedal, pedal.

Be like a drunk girl getting out of a cab,

and leave everything behind...

Your bag, your keys!

Yes, that ginger in the corner

is going to have to call her landlord from a pay phone!

Whoo!

Scream, you drunk mess! Scream!

Turn your resistance all the way up to Gandhi.

Oh!

Oh, it's supposed to hurt.

It's Gandhi.

Whoo!

Follow your bliss...

Trademark Tristafé.

Imagine yourself on a beautiful beach,

on a bicycle!

I see a dolphin!

Yes, it's beautiful.

I see it, too.

You're a liar!

You see no dolphin.

Tell me more of the dolphin, ginger.

There is only here.

There is only now.

My mind is so blank,

I don't even know how to "tark anymelg."

And so we are done.

And unclip, ladies.

I prefer my students in ponytails

so I can imagine them...

as ponies.

Tcha-kamo, feenahnay.

Can you believe we biked all day?

Tristafé is amazing.

"Tristafé is amazing."

That sounded exactly like me.

That was like listening to a mirror.

Be quiet, Kimmy.

And clean that up.

But Tristafé says...

You don't tell me what Tristafé says.

I brought you to SpiritCycle.

And how do you repay me?

You take my bike and exile me to the second row

with those sloppy baby-weight disasters.

Tristafé warned me you would lash out tonight.

Oh, really?

And exactly when did you have

a private conversation with Tristafé?

The front row had a cucumber-water cool-down

with him after class.

Now I guess I'll have to tell Tristafé

that you forgot your place and yelled at a first-row bike.

No.

No, no, please!

- Please. - Good.

Now drink.

Ha, ah...

I can taste your power.

Mmm.

What are you doing here?

The trial started already.

Titus, I've decided I'm not going.

What? But you have to!

The only thing I have to do is follow my bliss.

And Indiana is nowhere near my mind beach.

What white nonsense is this?

It's SpiritCycle.

And Tristafé is teaching me to leave everything behind,

like a toddler at an out-of-state

fast-food restaurant.

Listen to me.

Your lawyers' opening statement was mostly a slideshow

of their trip to see the fall colors.

If you don't go down there,

they might set the Reverend free.

That has nothing to do with this.

Kimmy... Kimmy...

Okay, bye.

Ms. Pokorny, we've never met before, have we?

Yes, you kept me in an underground bunker

for 15 years.

That's weird,

because in your deposition, you describe this man,

or more likely... woman,

as having a big, bushy beard.

Yes, that's right.

A beard?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

do you see a beard?

I told you I'm not very good at math, Ms. Pokorny.

I've been very up front about that.

But even to me, your story doesn't add up.

He makes some really good points.

I can see where he's coming from.

Reasonable doubt, you know?

Find your beach, my little ponies.

The sun is shining.

The waves are crashing. The...

Jacqueline, get off my beach. Find your own.

This isn't fair to people with no imagination.

I'm there!

It's beautiful!

Kimmy!

Kimmy, wait up!

What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here!

Neither should you. We need you in Durnsville.

No, I'm not going.

This only proves that the Reverend was right.

Without him, we turn against each other,

like when Dylan tells the whole team that David is Jewish

in School Ties.

Kimmy, no! Don't leave us!

I'm sorry. It just doesn't fit.

Really? Darn it.

I swear, I'm gonna find out who this glove belongs to.

I know.

Now...

Reverend...

If you were me...

what would you ask you?

Well, if I were you,

I would ask me about...

♪ A long, long time ago ♪

♪ I can still remember... ♪

Why doesn't someone ask him

how come after the apocalypse didn't happen

he didn't let us go?

- Sit down and shut up! - Shut your mouth!

No, it's a fair question.

You see, I worked for years

on figuring out the date of the apocalypse...

June 6, 2006,

6-6-6.

It came to me while I was watching Sesame Street.

The number of the day was 9, and I was in my gravity boots.

But when that day came and went,

I felt like a real heel.

What can I say?

I'm hard on myself.

But I wasn't about to give up on those girls,

because I, or whoever was down in that bunker,

had them in there since 1998,

getting ready for the Rapture.

And you know how long it takes ladies to get ready.

This one.

Oh, pfft.

My point is, what if I had let them out

and then the Rapture happened, like, two days later?

Because the Bible says...

it's coming.

And I know it's coming soon.

That doesn't scare me.

The signs are all around you if you just open your eyes.

Men debasing themselves for pleasure...

and the few good among us...

That's me.

I'm good.

Powerless against the faceless evil

of petty tyranny...

just like in School Ties.

The library is closed.

I'm powerless against the faceless evil of petty tyranny.

Oh, God!

It's happening!

Evil will rise from the depths of the Earth.

Bottles and models, bitches!

Ugh!

What white nonsense was that?

Woman shall lie with beast.

Get a hold of yourself, Titus.

And the Devil herself shall appear in a cloud of smoke

and drag you down to the foulest pit of hell.

Hey, Titus.

You want to go to Boston Market?

It's the Devil!

Ha! I'm not the Devil.

The sulfur smell is 'cause I'm doing a hard-boiled egg cleanse.

Lillian, I got sucked in by a crazy person,

and I started to believe what he was saying.

And if that happened to me, with my iron will...

Iron will!

You couldn't even stay standing for this whole conversation.

My point is, that man is dangerous,

and he must be stopped,

and there's only one person who can do it.

Kimberly, that man is dangerous.

No, get off my beach.

Get your beach out of my

Olympic men's figure skating locker room.

We all have our fantasies.

That monster told you how to dress,

how to wear your hair, what to think.

He locked you up and told you

the outside world didn't exist anymore,

and you believed him.

No, I didn't.

I never believed a word the Reverend said.

I'm not talking about the Reverend.

I'm talking about him.

Tristafé? No, he's not...

Look at yourself, "girlfrenemy"...

The clothes, the hair.

You walk around spouting his gibberish.

Of course he spouts gibberish.

He studied spirit biking in Giberia.

And I'm not locked up anywhere.

I can go wherever I want.

I just can't unclip my shoes.

Oh!

Oh, my goodness, are you okay?

SpiritCycle is a cult.

It's just another cult.

Why does this keep happening? What's wrong with me?

But it could happen to anyone. It almost happened to me.

You, with your iron will?

That's what I said.

You're right.

I have to go to Durnsville.

Kimberly, when I first heard about your dealio,

all I cared about was the lurid, titillating details.

Like how we built Can Man to practice kissing on,

and we only had one rule...

Don't fall in love with Can Man?

But Can Man was irresistible?

No. No.

All I care about is helping my friend.

So... I'm coming with you.

You'd do that for me?

So I can see the trial without ads.

Sorry!

I meant...

so I can see the trial without ads.

I'm really trying to be supportive here.

I'm your friend.

So I'm gonna come to Durnsville with you,

so I can see the trial without ads.

Thanks, Titus.

I just need to take care of something first.

Time to clip in.

Ladies!

And gay guy.

This is a spin-tervention.

That man is a fraud!

Kimmy, how dare you?

I gifted you with the sacred words...

Tcha-kamo, feenahnay.

Sacred words?

"Tcha-kamo, feenahnay"

is from Iko Iko,

from the Rain Man soundtrack.

Is that a brand-new cassette tape

of the Rain Man soundtrack?

And his name isn't Tristafé.

It's Christopher!

He just pronounces it like an idiot.

You ever wonder why it's so dark in here?

Kimmy, don't touch those.

Oh!

And he's not even pedaling his bike.

It's just a video.

That's how he does ten classes a day.

Kimmy, don't move that monitor.

Oh!

Don't judge! IBS is real!

He was on the toilet the whole time?

Oh, God. That's what the candles are for.

They're also to set the mood.

Why do we keep doing this to ourselves,

replacing one stupid male authority figure with another,

like Days of Our Lives replaces Roman Bradys.

I like the first Roman.

You're a moron!

Sorry. That's just wrong.

Jacqueline, is Christopher here really any different

than Julian?

Is he different than any guy who tells you

he'll make you richer or prettier or safer

if you just let him make all the decisions?

But when it's time to look at fabric swatches

for the banquette, he's got no opinion.

Sure, that.

Kimmy...

I need to find out who I really am,

not just wait for some guy to come and tell me.

And I need a few days off.

I'm going to Durnsville to testify against the Reverend.

Oh, Kimmy.

I'll dock your pay accordingly.

Usually you can't hear that 'cause of the music.

All right, ladies, today is a gift.

That's why we call it the present.

Let's lock and load.

Good night, everybody!